The Twilight Illustrated Guide: Edward Cullen ‘The Arsehole That Launched a Thousand Twihards!’

Last time we delved into the terrifying history of Dr Carlisle Cullen who likes to pimp out dying rape victims to his son for funsies! Surely, it couldn’t get much worse but it does as we now dive into the history of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Now, I have read ahead and hell no am I tackling that cesspit/dream-boat on my own. So I would like to introduce my co-hater: Imogen!

Victoria: Welcome and are you ready to help me tackle the dreamiest (most terrifying) man in the Twilight Universe?

Imogen: Hell yes! Let’s immerse ourselves into the twisted world of everyone’s favourite killer disco ball. My God do I need a less masochistic hobby.

Victoria: Tell me about it! So let’s look at Meyer’s depiction of the man that sent a thousand Twihards squeeing.


Victoria: I must say, he looks like a raging douchenozzle. Look at his shirt! I love how his underage pecs are just desperate to break through.

Imogen: He really looks like the very definition of a fuckboy. Can’t say I expect anything more from Meyer’s wet dream.

Victoria: I agree, he looks so disdainful which I guess is pretty accurate as he looks down on anyone that isn’t a vampire.

Imogen: And then on anyone who isn’t his precious Bella. What a sad little life he must lead.

Victoria: The next section is just when he was born and transformed which was 1917 which we already know. Now I must quote his physical description as it made me crack up especially after what I said about him in Carlisle’s section.

Imogen: Lay it on me let’s hear about his bronze hair. JUST SAY GINGER!

“Edward is thin and lanky but muscular. He has untidy bronze hair and boyish looks.”

Victoria: Ahem:


Honestly, how do these pictures keep finding their way into Edward discussions? It’s baffling!

Imogen: Oh Bella, sweetie what are you doing?

Victoria: HAHA! Indeed, it’s just proving my pedesatry theory. The next bit is his stupid powers but I’m making note as Meyer feels the need to tell us that Bella is immune. Jesus! WE KNOW!!!


Victoria: Don’t forget it is to highlight to us mere pond scum how special and unique Bella is compared to us. Now are you up for some academic failure? Oh and for some Meyer wanking over the awesome that is Edward? Two for one!

Imogen: Bring on the crippling self hatred for reading this garbage!

“He has two medical degrees but has never worked as a doctor. His other graduate degrees are in literature, mathematics, law, mechanical engineering, several languages, art history, and international business.”

Victoria: *Bops Imogen with a wiffle bat* HE IS AMAZING! BOW TO HIM!!!

Imogen: So this man could literally cure cancer and instead chooses to seduce a teenager? Seems legit. I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! HE IS TRASH PERSONIFIED!

Victoria: I guess you could argue that he couldn’t as the Volturi would kill him for exposure, even though they suck at blending in. However, the big point though is how could he complete a medical degree? Look at how he is described. He is depicted as a lithe *cough* eros *cough* boyish teenager so how on earth could he pass for 22 when you would start medical training in the US and still pass for 26 when he completed it. Also the big one is how the hell did he even complete it if it is a sunny day?! You can’t just skip medical school for camping! Another point, how on earth did he do the practicals when surrounded by blood? This makes no sense and it’s pissing me off.

Imogen: Come on Victoria, you know Meyer operates outside the confines of logical possibility! I guess she would say the pathetic humans didn’t notice his age and that the sun was somehow dormant where he studied. Perhaps he somehow studied online before the invention of competent computer technology?

Victoria: I don’t think he could get away missing practicals which is a huge part of a medical degree. I know Meyer would hand wave it but it is still stupid. It pains me how little she thinks as if I am meant to buy these things existing in our world then she needs to make it believable.

Imogen: She just relies on the rest of humanity to be as stupid as she is. Pity for her we aren’t as moronic as her ridiculously misanthropic characters would have us believe.

Victoria: Too true, I have scanned those forums so I know what those Twihards think. Now before we explode from the lack of sense, I’ll sum up the last of his profile before we get to the history as it is pointless and boring. She just feels the need to tell us that he likes music and and what car he is which we know about as Bella loves to talk about the Volvo of Great Justice.

Now his history section is dark and full of failure so I hope you are ready for Meyer to show us how she knows nothing about history.

Imogen: My inner historian is already furious.

Victoria: Same here, trust me. So let’s start with some creepy implications first. Edward is an only child to Elizabeth and Edward Masen. His father was a lawyer and clearly a successful one as he gave that whiny brat everything he wanted from private school to music lessons but due to working away a lot which meant he didn’t give Edward the emotional love that he needed. Is that why Edward is a needy bitch then?

Imogen: Oftentimes the abused become abusers so I guess his father’s neglect turned him into the sociopath he is today. Nice work Meyer subtly blaming it on someone else.

Victoria: Hmm… that is a fair point. I am noticing a pattern with fathers in this universe. Think about it, Charlie is nothing but a busted Dad that Bella upgrades when she becomes a Cullen as Carlisle becomes her father in law and he describes her as a beloved daughter. Especially as at that point the thought was that Bella would never see Charlie again so she traded her busted one for the God that is Carlisle. Now look at Edward. His father lavished stuff on him but he never mentions his father in cannon, it is always his mother. I think it is once again because Edward upgraded his emotionally distant father for the emotionally coddling Carlisle. Whenever Carlisle talks about Edward it is always about how he is the favourite child (ew) and how he is the best thing ever.

Which is a total history failure as parents from higher class families rarely emotionally indulged their children so historically the father depiction isn’t unusual for that time.

Imogen: Meyer really enjoys wanking over her perfect vampires and villainising humans, huh. Carlisle saying that of course Edward must get into heaven and Bella nodding in ‘fervent agreement’ makes me break out in hives this God complex is so sickening.

Victoria: It is beyond sickening when it comes to those two. They honestly talk about each other like they are lovers. SUCK IT BELLA!

We then get with the mother that she was emotionally coddling as he was the centre of her life. I know that is normal for parents but when it comes to Meyer and her depictions of love then that just creeps me out beyond reason. I’ll ask again, is this why Edward is such a needy bitch?

Imogen: *Cough* they’re gay *cough*

If Elizabeth did actually suspect then why would she want her son to live as his whiny bitch self forever with the bonus of murderous tendencies thrown in? Love in the Twilight Saga is weird.

Victoria: Edward is so far in the closet that he frequently has tea with Aslan and Mr Tumnus.

Oh we shall come to that, don’t you worry but next is clear historical failure so if I were you I would put a pillow on your desk to prevent a concussion from head-desking. I am so grabbing margarita for this bullshit. Ready?

Imogen: I have already put aside money to pay for the massive dent I will soon make in my wall. Let’s go.

Victoria: Good to know! We have how Edward is a genius and now I shall quote:

“As he grew older, Edward became enamoured of the life of a soldier. World War I raged during most of his adolescence, and Edward dreamed of the day he could join the battle.”

Victoria: Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this if his date of of birth was say 1895 or something and he was born in the U.K. as that would make perfect sense as so many young men were enamoured in the beginning of WWI but by 1916 that dream was pretty much dead due to the death toll and suffering. Also the U.S. was isolationist at that time! If this was WWII and he was American then I could buy it but not this.

Imogen: Good lord Meyer really cannot be bothered with the slightest bit of research can she. Also how are we supposed to buy his being a genius if he was so eager to go on a suicide mission??

Victoria: Exactly! If this was WWII then it would make sense as the drive for that in the States was huge and seen as a great honour to fight the Third Reich. I honestly think Meyer is confusing both wars as the U.S. wanted nothing to do with the war until 1917. Also if he was that desperate then he could have signed up and lied about his age which men did all the time in that war and we know Edward loves lying. I think he just wanted to go out and kill things in all honesty.

Imogen: She really doesn’t give a single fuck about historical accuracy does she? Jesus Christ she’s an insult to her profession and the millions of authors that do painstaking research for their novels.
Yup, well thank fuck he got that wish fulfilled. Good for Edward.

Victoria: You are completely right. I have bitched about this hundreds of times that she cannot write historical characters for the life of her. It is insulting to authors that do the research to create realistic historical characters and situations. I said this about Edythe in ‘Life and Death’ she should not have sounded like Edward in a wig. Meyer is a hack!


We next have the Spanish Flu which neatly kills Edward’s father off really quickly so he can get a newer and better father in Carlisle. Do you mind if I go and throw something?

Imogen: She’s a complete disgrace compared to authors like Robin LaFevers who write brilliant historical novels along with author’s notes explaining the slight liberties they had to take for the story and the regret they feel for it.

And yet the boy that puberty failed somehow survived? By all means throw anything you want I certainly plan on doing so!

Victoria: Why thank you! *THROWS WARDROBE!*

That is very true, how did Edward manage to survive when he is built like that? Anyway, the bit that always gets me. Elizabeth begs Carlisle to save Edward and he thinks that she suspects he is supernatural. Let’s look at the Guide’s picture of him again:


He doesn’t look that supernatural except for the fact he looks pretentious but whatever. Why do I get the impression that Carlisle told himself that to justify it to himself that he stole a stunning and boyish waif to turn into his “companion”.

Imogen: Elizabeth was delirious with fever at this point and likely incapable of rational thought I doubt she even told him to save Edward at all…

What a fucking creep this man is!

Victoria: It screams of: “I swear I didn’t know she was fifteen!”

Imogen: Hermione.gif

Victoria: Oh and that section is cut in the book by shoving this picture after that the What The Fuck. It’s Edward’s piano, as if we care:


Answer is that we don’t.

Oh sweet Jesus. I must quote the next bit!

“Carlisle took Edward from the hospital late that night, carrying the unconscious boy home.”


Imogen: Yes, Meyer we already know Edward is perfect at everything and we’re long bored of it a picture of a piano isn’t going to make us care.


Victoria: I can only think of money keeping her out. Edward’s father gets one last mention where he is completely tossed into the trash as it is said that Carlisle is the father that he always wanted. Well yeah, Carlisle let’s him do whatever he wants and praises him constantly.

We then get to hear how he reads minds but take note that it is only surface thoughts which becomes relevant in a minute.

Now, what is hilarious is that apparently Edward always had a knack for reading people. OK, so when he is telling us that Bella is so selfless and kind but the reader sees how selfish and shallow she is that it shows this supposed character trait fails. Show, don’t tell. ALSO STOP HOLDING MY HAND, MEYER!

Imogen: So much for his being able to read people ugh Meyer doesn’t even know shit about her own characters

Victoria: Nope, she has them act one way and then tells us how they should be because she thinks we are stupid. We then have Edward throwing his entire human family away as Esme the doormat has arrived and she is the best mother ever. Suck it, Elizabeth! Edward has better now.

This leads us into his vigilante days or as Meyer likes to call it: experiencing an alternative lifestyle.

Imogen: Sigh

Victoria: On one hand I find it hilarious that she is using a homosexual euphemism for Edward after everything we have said.

On the other hand I am furious as she is trying to downplay fucking murder which is what he did. He went out and murdered hundreds for his own selfish greed.

So now I am confused as being furious and amused is giving me a hernia.

Imogen: Haha it’s as if Meyer is trying to tell us something…

One can accept that it is as justified as murder can be but to trivialise it so much is psychotic I fear for this woman’s sanity.

Victoria: Now what gets me is that she is hand-waving it by having it that he only goes for murderers and rapists in ‘Twilight’ but he isn’t doing it for the good of humans. He is doing it for food and not just any food but a glorious feast. Hardly a good thing as he only reads surface thoughts and how many people go out thinking “Oh! I fancy raping someone today!”

What I find that destroys her argument is that his first victim is Esme’s ex-husband. Yes, he was a domestic abuser but does he deserve to die an excruciating death that feeds that pampered arsehole?

Imogen: I’d say he deserves to die but certainly not for another future domestic abuser’s parasitic pleasure where’s the justice in that?

Victoria: Exactly, this is the problem as there is no justice. Vigilantism is a very grey area but he isn’t Batman who is doing for the good of Gotham. He is doing it to feed like a King which destroys any argument for any good of his actions.

I personally don’t agree as I don’t believe in the Death Penalty but we are agreed that this is no form of justice.

Imogen: Exactly, yes Edward is ridding the world of a monster but only because he is a monster himself.

Victoria: It’s why it scares me when Bella says it’s reasonable as these people could have been mentally ill and needed help or would never have acted on those thoughts but Edward just ate them anyway.

Imogen: It’s sickening.

Victoria: Especially when Meyer says this:

“I like that Edward’s not so clean-cut, that he has a dark side, that he’s doing things that are not clearly legal or illegal.”

Last I heard murder was fucking illegal! God, this woman scares me.


Victoria: Let’s leave this mess behind and move onto how Esme thought he was gay as he had no romantic love. It’s phrased that she was seriously concerned about him and that’s when Carlisle found Rosalie! Explains why Carlisle picked up the dying rape victim, as she was hot and would be a good test for Edward’s sexual orientation.

Imogen: youtube 2

This is too fucked up for words.

So what if he’s gay, Esme? So what and if Carlisle had any of his alleged compassion he wouldn’t have turned Rosalie in the hope she’d be Edwards sex slave.

Victoria: I can enrage you further if you wish?

Imogen: Go ahead!

Victoria: After Edward saw this dying gang rape victim that has been violated again by his ‘Daddy’ saw that he wanted him to hit that. He decided no not because of what happened to her but because he mind-raped her and decided she was shallow and self-absorbed. Please feel free to throw something.

Imogen: Edward really hates women doesn’t he? I understand why he’s irritated rosalie from the moment they met.

Victoria: Well, Meyer hand waves it and says that they have a sibling style love. I’ve never seen any love between them so that is bullshit. At least we are close to the end! So next up is Edward meeting the Denali women who are blonde so therefore whores but Edward was too good for that.

Imogen: Oh god, here we go. I can’t wait to hear about how everybody but Bella is a slut.

Victoria: Sadly Meyer is saving that for their section but we do have Edward rejecting Tanya who is the leader of the blondes.

Imogen: And on what grounds exactly?

Victoria: Well, I remember in ‘Midnight Sun’ he hints very heavily that as if he would want that! She is blonde and has had sex before which means she is used so therefore not perfect. Edward deserves perfect, goddammit!

Imogen: I’d say poor Tanya but she made a lucky escape in my opinion.

Victoria: Oh, she is very lucky. The last section for Edward is about Bella and I am not quoting as I am looking forward to dinner so therefore don’t want to vomit. Basically to sum up: Edward met Bella who is so amazing, beautiful, special, unique and wonderful. Her mind was private and her blood sang for him which meant he found instant love.

So that’s the history part finished. I won’t bother with his famous quotes as it’s just his stupid quotes about Bella. I will however end with this quote which I know you would love to express your feelings for. So please, go ahead and rant as this is straight from Meyer’s own mouth:

“Unfortunately Edward isn’t based on anybody – he is all imagination and wishing. I think his allure is partially due to his old-fashioned manners. He’s a gentleman, and those are hard to come by these days.”

Imogen: A
Has she read her books?!

Victoria: Remember this is her wank fantasy and thinks he is perfect.

Imogen: In what universe are serial killing stalkers who relish in being abusive to their conveniently weak girlfriends gentlemen?? Really Meyer I’d like to know. Also I must laugh at the irony of the world ‘gentle’ being part of that word because well… the honeymoon..

Victoria: I think we say that Edward is a misogynic, racist, murdering, abusive and disgusting pit stain on humanity.

Imogen: A pit stain on humanity that should just go fuck himself as clearly no one else is good enough too.

Victoria: Too true and on that note I would say that we are now done with Edward! Which is a relief and thank you Imogen as I couldn’t have done it without you. I hope you’ll join me again for this atrocious guide as we have many more fucked up characters to dissect.

Imogen: You can count on it! If we survived him we can survive the others!

Oh and if anyone cares, here is a picture of Bella’s honeymoon island which is impossible as that is clearly a pacific island plopped into the Atlantic Ocean where these tropical paradises don’t exist. I hope Bella enjoyed the sand fleas in her cooch.

Isle Esme.JPG

Lovely, so next time I will be dissecting Esme. Oh joy, that doormat brings me such happiness.

Happy blogging!


The Twilight Illustrated Guide: Carlisle Cullen Oh Joy! Let’s Make Psychotic Characters More Psychotic.

Righto, it’s been ages since I have written anything as I am lazy and well…. look at this?! So this time we are delving into the insanity ridden brains that is Carlisle (Call me Daddy) Cullen. I will make a special dedication to Imogen Russell for this as she hates these arseholes just as much as I do but indulges me in these rants and I thank her for it. I just realised this is the worst thank you ever, damn. I send you chocolates or cacti! Anyway, this section does promise illustrations (they are from my phone so apologies for the crappy quality but it is a hardback and I only have two hands) but please make note of these things. I will be saving my rant at the end of the Cullen section so be patient but do keep an eye on the type of illustrations we get.

First things first is that I am moving the introduction to the end as it essentially fits better with their location and house section at the end of the Cullen section. So let’s dive into Dr. Carlisle Cullen, the man with thousands of lives on his hands. Woop!

Carlisle Cullen


So we start off with his age (23) which is funny as Meyer went on about how those human peasants in Stuart England had no idea what dates were (I have ranted enough and I will put up the link in a bit so you can see my epic rant if you so wish).

I am not even a paragraph in and I want to vomit. Meyer feels the need to tell me about his movie star looks. *Breaths* WE GET IT!!! HE IS HANDSOME, HOT AND A GREEK GOD!!! We then hear how he has worked as a professor. Ermmm…. I have a question. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE GET AWAY WITH THAT!?! Never mind the nonsense of how he would never get references or fake certificates as once again I have ranted enough:

I want to bring up his age. Edward explicitly says to Bella in ‘New Moon’ that Carlisle can barely pass for 30 when he is pretending to be 33 so how on earth could he pass as a professor as they would be a lot older. If anyone says that he could be passing off as a child prodigy then I swear I will bite you as there is no way he could get away with that as surely those places would remember little Carlisle (Doctor Feel Good) and comment on it. This is utter bullshit and I’m only the first page yet I want to throw something. *Drinks Wine*

We hear that his hobbies are collecting art and books. Well, we never hear about his books except that he allocated his library as Bella’s birthing room so he can’t care about them that much if he doesn’t mind blood, mucus, and all manner of other bodily fluids on his priceless first editions. I collect books! My prize possession is ‘Pet Sematary’ First Edition from the U.S. and I will not let anyone (except my partner and Mum) touch it as it is my baby. Carlisle clearly doesn’t care as he is happy for Bella to spread all manner of crap in his library from her Alien birth. Nope, this is obvious that it is just collecting because of MONEY! He doesn’t give a crap about the historical significance or the pure love of the story. He is just showing off how sophisticated he is and how much money he has. Hence my prized book, it’s worth bugger all but it’s my favourite book so it is priceless to me. I hate these nouveau riche bastards. It’s the same with the art, we only know that they are priceless but nothing about the history or personal value.

Classless bores.

Right now we go onto the history. I really don’t want to repeat myself with the same old crap that I ranted about in ‘Life and Death’. The only difference is is that Carlisle actually went to the vampires in the mythical London sewers to fight rather than Carine who stayed home like a good little woman. The historical fail is exactly the same so here is the link below:

Meyer goes on to explain Carlisle’s struggle with the thirst which I don’t buy as all Bree, Beau and Bella did was hold their breath. It’s really not that hard. He then ate some deer and travelled *snore*. We know all this so I am bored. What I do love is that Carlisle admired the Volturi’s “civility” compared to the rat vampires. HAHA! It’s OK if they like art while murdering people. How compassionate, Carlisle. Especially as it says here that they constantly mutilated people to tempt him as Aro found that shit hilarious. Oh, Aro, you scamp! We then get the crap about he spawned the legend (which Meyer made up) of the Good Vampire. If he is a good vampire then I am a kitchen sponge.

Blergh, Carlisle was all lonely and shit so he went to America in the hopes of finding other deer eating vamps.


It was not meant to be…

Mr Krabs.jpg

Awww, I’m all sad.


I find it hilarious that he could only start his career in medicine in America as Italians clearly know jack shit and those Catholics he lived with know nothing either. The Volturi are clearly Catholics so don’t fight me. Well, I’m a Catholic (barely) and have Italian descent so I’m going to dust off my rosaries and throw passata at Meyer.

Now, we get to his turning of Edward which is hilarious as it is continually said how he wants a companion. Funny how he is described as a Greek God and picks a lithe seventeen year old boy for his *cough* companion.

Oh my! How did that link get there?


Same as that picture, hmmm….. I have no idea what happened here. I better call Scooby Do and the gang as we have a mystery here.

I love how it was Edward’s mother that convinced him as she begged Carlisle to save her son even though she was out of it from flu and drugs so probably had no clue what that entailed as I doubt vampire entered her brain. Carlisle must have thought: “Sweet! I always wanted an Eros of my own, shame I don’t have a cockerel to give him.” Yep, shameless Classics and Peodophilia joke, you are welcome.

Oh here is a picture of the ward, as if any of us even care:


HAHAHA!!! Edward’s goodness and purity was what made Carlisle save him! One I am beyond disgusted but I am sticking with my Ancient Greek analogy otherwise I may die. Edward is as good and pure as a festering ulcer on Henry VIII’s leg (I am history heavy today). Do you know Carlisle, tell that to the hundreds he kills in ten years time for being a greedy arsehole.

Blah blah blah we get how he changed a suicidal woman who wanted to die and made her his flesh light but it was true love. What freaks me out is that he met her when she was ten with a broken leg and that memory prompts him to turn her and have sex with her. Do you know, I think we have more than enough peodphillia in these books with Quill and Jacob with their child brides. Why do we need more? *Sobs*

I vomited again as now Carlisle is happy as he has a family, a murdering family but still. Now we hit Rosalie and I am so quoting as if I have to look at it then so do you. I do warn you all that it is disgusting and I strongly advise a cuddly toy, cat or booze. Whatever makes you feel better. Ready?

“She had been beaten, sexually assaulted, and left for dead. Struck by the waste of a beautiful young life, Carlisle bought Rosalie home and transformed her, hoping in the back of his mind that one day she might be a companion for Edward.”

*Closes Book*

*Looks at Book*





Honestly, think about it. Rosalie has just been gang raped and beaten to the point of death and all Carlisle thinks is how hot she is and how she would make a good bed buddy for Edward. He never asks her what she wants or anything. When you think of the sexual connotations with most vampire myths then Carlisle essentially raped her again just to offer her up on a plate for another man. She has no autonomy or anything but Carlisle couldn’t give a shit as well it worked well for the doormat that is Esme.

Well it turns out that Edward doesn’t want a woman that is used *seethes with disgust*. He is Edward Cullen and he wants pure, goddammit! I now want to die.

Rosalie brings him Emmett and Carlisle thinks “eh, I should throw her a bone so whatevs I’ll turn him.” How lovely. We end his story with his summed up meeting with wolves as who gives a shit about them as they are just lowly wolves (I hate this) and how Alice barged her way into the Cullen house as she is an obnoxious bitch.

So we finish up this section with famous quotes as I already want to cry again as it’s just wanking over Edward’s goodness, praising the awesome that is Bella and him being a racist shit by saying he had not been to veterinarian school as LOL they are just dogs, as if they are people. I hate you Carlisle.

So that is Carlisle Cullen finished! Next time is Edward Cullen, resident dreamboat/psychopath. Oh yay, I can’t wait.

Cat toast.jpg

The Twilight Illustrated Guide: Vampires *INTERNAL SCREAMING*

Sorry for the delay! I had an accident and really hurt my foot but I had a cruise and life/job crap to deal with. Enough excuses!

Righto, we’ve had Meyer talk utter crap for over 66 pages with no illustrations so let’s hope I will finally get what this guide promised and that is answers and pictures (SPOILER ALERT: No pictures). Let’s crack on as the subject is now vampires which I’m sure will be hilarious and so horrendously stupid that I have blocked my ears up so my brain doesn’t leak through. Shall we?

I already cracked up in the small introduction as it says that Sparklepires share certain similarities to vampires but are more unique. Right……. Well, I guess they drink blood so that sort of counts but as we will see many of the Hollywood myths are just shrugged off. Also yeah, they are unique. Uniquely stupid. Next is Meyer trying to use science to explain the sparkling:

The cellular membrane of a vampire is not as soft or permeable as in a human cell; it has crystalline properties that cause the surface of vampire skin to react prismatically, giving the vampire a glitter-like shimmer in sunlight.

Huh? What is this crap?

Next up is ‘Beauty’, this is going to make me want to die. I can just tell. I can’t quote everything but my God! She is going on about how their white faces create a flawless face. Don’t believe me?

The perfect smoothness, gloss, and even color of the skin give the allusion of a flawless face.

Blergh, that’s revolting. Hasn’t Meyer heard about personal tastes? I really would not find these angular, corpse white rocks as attractive. I’m going to have to quote again as this is just gross and if I have to look at it then so do you:

Like humans, vampires are drawn to beauty. When choosing a human for the transformation process, vampires are as likely as humans to be motivated by a beautiful face and body.

Meyer really needs to stop clubbing me to death with a log about how beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, amazing and hawt Bella Swan is. It makes me want to die and get in the bleach bath again. I GET IT!!!

Next is their creepy skin colour and when added to the beauty section it just comes across as insanely racist and White is Right vibes. She says that the venom leaches all pigment from the skin and no matter what your skin colour is then you will turn very pale but maybe a slight olive tone if you weren’t white to begin with. That added to the fact that these things are meant to be the pinnacle of beauty seems very off to me. This may be shocking to hear but not everyone finds insanely white skin to be the pinnacle of beauty. She also talks about how the venom removes all tattoos, freckles, moles and scars which I find terrifying as these Sparklepires just sound like dolls and that is creepy. Once again, many people find tattoos and freckles attractive but Meyer says they are the best so fuck freckles! Meyer knows what is true perfection. *Dies*

Now we move onto eye colour. They are petrol gauges, how is this hard? Black = hungry, in ‘Twilight’, ‘New Moon’ and ‘Eclipse’ then gold = good/fed and red = evil/fed. Obviously, that gets sketchy when we hit ‘Breaking Dawn’ when the Cullens are friends with plenty of murderers. Oh sorry, I mean ‘traditional vampires’. Whatever makes them feel better, I guess.

Next is teeth, which never made any sense to me. She describes them as being the same as human teeth but razor sharp which is fine but how can Edward finish eating deer without a drop of blood on him? It’s impossible as he tears through their throats and drinks but the tearing would cause blood to get on him as he isn’t puncturing the skin. It’s just another instance of Meyer sanitizing her vampires as she is removing the fangs, but she keeps doing this and by ‘Breaking Dawn’ I think the word ‘vampire’ is rarely used and replaced with ‘immortal’.

So, let’s crack on with movement. She fails evolution and nature again as she talks about when Sparklepires are stressed or in fear then they freeze up and don’t move. FAIL! That is a prey animal reaction. Look at ‘Jurassic Park’, and how they are told not to move when the T-Rex is around as the PREDATOR will spot them as they are the PREY! My God, it doesn’t make Sparklepires better than sucky humans who jump up when startled as that is a predator reaction.

She now talks about petrification which becomes really stupid as we go along as she said if vampires don’t move for a thousand or so years then they develop onion skin and milky eyes. That is stupid as Aro and friends moved a plenty over their lives as they went on raiding missions to collect new vampires so why would they petrify? Marcus, I could buy as he sits there like an emo slug but not Aro and Caius who seem pretty active. It is obvious that once we had the Cullen’s murderer friends that the whole red = evil thing had to be changed so it became milky eyes = evil instead. She does tell us that their strength and eyesight is not harmed with petrification because as if Sparklepires have any limitations.

She is now trying to explain Sparklepire fluids and I giggled again due to the stupid. She explains that the venom between cells makes movement possible. Does Meyer think that cells float around in liquid? That’s stupid and we could be nothing but squish on the floor, or not even that. All cells are connected and now my brain is hurting. She explains that venom replaces all fluids and keeps the eyes moving. Does she think we have googly eyes just floating around? If so then I hope she does not help her children with any biology homework. Then she says this:

Most notably absent is the circulatory system.

Ermmm….. OK, how does Edward get an erection then? Is he just constantly hard because of reasons or which is my personal favourite theory is that Bella was talking crap when saying the sex is just the best ever as he was prodding her with his little wrinkly worm. Actually, fuck it! I declare this as the most appropriate theory as it is hilarious.

mongolian death worm larvae tight

Seems legit.

Next we move to ‘Abilities and Limitations’, what limitations? Seriously?! She feels the need to tell me that her Sparklepires are so much better than me because they are physically and mentally stronger. I’ll give her the physical but not the mental as even I as a lowly human could guess before the oh-so amazing Cullens that Victoria was behind the Newborn Army as I have a functioning brain stem. She then starts waxing lovingly over how strong and smart they are which is just annoying. Funnily enough, after all that Sparklepire praise there was no mention of limitations which is stupid as these things are meant to be science based and nature doesn’t create supercharged predators with no weaknesses.

Now we jump to immortality! She says how they do not age (well duh) and how they don’t develop mentally or emotionally after their transformation. How does this work? Surely then Carlisle would think the air is just disgusting and be treating his patients with bloodletting with unsanitary instruments? Also how do they develop new interests or learn? Is it just memory and reciting things like a parrot? Why do I even bother in all honesty. I can only just say it’s crap and move on to other stupid things. She then goes to great lengths to reassure me that no human could destroy a vampire as they need to be torn apart and burnt. I once again call bullshit, the human race loves to kill things and is very good at it. We have so many weapons that could destroy those things and those are the only ones the public knows about. I’m sure there are top secret weapons that could wipe out these abominations if all it takes is breaking them and burning them. Does Meyer think the army only fights with crossbows and axes?

So, let’s go to nutrition and she feels the need to remind that Sparklepires have no circulatory system. Yes, I know as I just read it and all I can picture is Edward’s wrinkly worm penis.

mongolian death worm larvae mouth

I think that is pretty accurate.

Thanks for that. Meyer tells us that blood is absorbed through their bodies to make them stronger but assures us that they cannot starve to death. Honestly, give them just a few limitations! She then tells us that they can’t digest solid food and have to force it back up. Just say vomit! Also, this makes their wasteful actions with food stupid. Just eat the damn food and chuck it up at the end of the day if it doesn’t cause any harm and would make them fit in more. Na, can’t have that as we need our clever and plucky heroine to notice their strange ways compared to the human morons she is surrounded by. She then tells us that animal blood is just as nutritious which makes her Sparklepires even worse as they are choosing to murder (this is not a vegetarian/vegan argument) humans just because it tastes nicer. ARSEHOLES!

So, let’s go onto ‘Supernatural Abilities’, this is going to be really wanky. I can just tell. She tells us that their human traits get intensified after the transformation and she is clearly talking about Carlisle as she comments that a human with a deep value of human life can avoid human blood, He doesn’t have much of a deep value as he said “Not my problem” when dozens were being murdered. However, what annoys me is that she just comments on the Cullens, no one else which says to me that she has no imagination.

What I do find infuriating is that she claims their gifts are supernatural which makes no sense as she loves to bleat on about how her vampires are based in science (I can’t rant anymore about how stupid that is). I really wouldn’t mind if say Alice had a knack for say betting on sports and was always right and this manifested into her vampire powers but having her as a genuine psychic pisses me off.

Oh for the love of…. She had to say how vampires are drawn to beauty again. IS BELLA BEAUTIFUL OR NOT?!?! She clearly is as everyone seems to fawn over her.

Now onto Newborns! Meyer basically says they are all uncontrollable and can’t think as they are insane with thirst. Uh-huh, sure:

“The problem with humans was that they just never had enough blood in them.”

“I thought how stupid people were, how oblivious, and I was glad I wasn’t one of the clueless.”

That is the first chapter of Bree Tanner the newborn vampire from ‘Eclipse’, yeah she sounds totally insane. I felt bad when she died in ‘Eclipse’ but after reading that novella then I am chuffed she died as she is a freaking psycho.

Also I only have three words for this crap that newborn vampires are insane with bloodlust:



Enough said.

Blergh, she next takes too many words to talk about vampire transformation in which she says how hard it is to do as the blood is too much. Well, I stand by that vampires in this universe are morons as it took Edward to think “Oh, maybe I should inject my venom in to work” and lo! It works! Vampires are seriously stupid if they never thought about doing that before. She wanks over how amazing Carlisle is for doing it as it takes so much self control but Aro has done it loads of times as well as Sasha who were people eaters. It’s not that hard!

She next talks about singers which freaks me out as it is so about Bella and her bacon and coffee blood. Considering vampire lore usually links biting with sex and every vampire thinks Bella is just the yummiest then yeah…. I have just made myself uncomfortable again.

The next section is vampire history but I’m skipping it as it will come up again in the character profiles so no point repeating myself. I will comment on Immortal Children though as that is truly disturbing. Meyer describes them as being frozen at their mental age but goes to great pains to tell me how adorable they are. I frankly find them disturbing as imagine a baby being bitten that cannot understand the pain which can turn you insane but also think of what has happened to that child. They will never grow to understand life, love and loss but also to never appreciate art, music, theatre, film or anything. That is beyond cruel! Meyer talks about how the thirst is like third degree burns (she is stupid as that kills the nerves) but a child cannot understand that and will kill to make the pain go away but will live in constant torment of pain for all of eternity. Also, she has just told us how hard it is to turn a human as the blood lust takeovers and they kill their victim, so just how many babies did these bastards kill to make one a success. This is disgusting but Meyer wants me to think the Volturi are big meanies for killing these things as they are just so gosh darn cute. I think the vampires who did this deserve the punishment they get for condemning a child to a life of torment to act as a handbag. Also the Volturi are putting these children out of their misery as it was the weird vampires who decided they were all the rage that truly killed them.

Next is vampire myths which I don’t see the point in ranting about as I will be here until I die. I will say this though, the myths she talks about are very much Hollywood inventions and apparently the Volturi spread them to protect themselves. Whatever. I will comment on this though, the one they couldn’t dispel was that vampires are beautiful. OK!


Hot, yo.

She then bangs on about how it is just so uncommon for people drinkers to travel in groups except that ‘Breaking Dawn’ showed the exact opposite and that just pisses me off as it is just to show that the Cullens are just so damn special, well they are not.

Next is the hybrid which is just going to be the joys of Scrappy Doo, Oh I mean Renesmee Cullen. Blergh! She pisses me off by saying there are only five which is ridiculous as this was not a known thing before that gnome appeared so how do they know that other vampires haven’t done that. Oh wait, it would detract from Bella and Edward having a love better than us mere humans, my bad!

Meyer then tells us that they share human and vampire traits which I still don’t get as the only things they share with humans is blood, human heartbeat and they are warm. That’s honestly it! What makes no sense though is that hybrids bite their way out their mothers at birth but how do they survive? They aren’t vampires that are indestructible so who raises them after their Alien birth? Nature doesn’t give a shit if you have understanding relatives to raise you. These things shouldn’t exist! What pisses me off the most though is that they can eat human food but choose to murder and drink people because it’s yummy. I hate these things so much. Next is just Meyer showing how they are the perfect babies as they are born with adult intelligence and are just so much better than human babies. This is from a mother of three. I am now uncomfortable again.

Well, at least that is the end of this section. Next is the Cullens! Ermm…. Yay? I’ll probably split them up as my God! Happy Blogging!

The Twilight Illustrated Guide: ‘A Conversation with Shannon Hale’ Part 2 I Swear I Will Throw a Cactus!

I should recap what I covered in the last post but what is the point? I can just sum it up that Meyer is deluded or a liar. All good? Excellent, let’s get cracking and the next section is on the rewards of writing. I am willing to bet it is all about the rabid Twihards licking her boots and telling her that she is just so awesome.

What she is actually saying is that she loves the writing but answering her fans, going on tour to see her fans and editing are just like, so totally hard and she doesn’t like that as she is a REAL AUTHOR and they like to write rather than rub shoulders with the unclean and ignorant masses. Harsh? Maybe but after 100,000 words of recap for ‘Life and Death’ then I just don’t care as I am getting serious “I’m so special, teehee, I don’t want to be adored, tehee” vibe.

She then talks about how the characters talk to her and that’s how she gets the conversation so natural. They don’t talk like normal people, it’s purple and bloated prose for the majority of them and with Jacob it’s purple with some faux-teenage boy talk which makes my eyes bleed. They then laugh about how special they are as no rational person would want to be an AUTHOR!

They are special, goddammit! Worship them!

They then move on to endings and discuss having happy endings in which Meyer just blathers on how it was inevitable and says she couldn’t change anything. The thing is though is that most people like happy endings and there is nothing wrong with that but you want the pain and struggle to make the ending mean something. Look at Disney! They threw Mufasa off a cliff in front of his son, Bambi’s mum got a slug to the heart, Ray died in ‘The Princess and the Frog’ and the toys in ‘Toy Story’ were almost burnt alive after they thought Andy threw them out. They know that to make the ending worth while and for the happiness to mean something then the audience has to be emotionally hurt first to achieve that. Bella whining for a month while the Volturi fart around picking their best robes of evil, about how she is going to die does not count. Not even Irina dying, which no one seems to give a shit about, counts as we didn’t know this person so didn’t care. So yes, Meyer fails.

Blergh, they start talking about ‘New Moon’ and the bit that already has me foaming at the mouth is when she talks about how it was inevitable that Jasper would try and eat Bella. OK, fine, he went batshit over a small paper cut but that means the Cullens are awful as he should not be in school if all it takes is a paper cut to make him go completely crazy and try and eat someone. If anyone thinks about Bella’s bacon blood then I will throw things as I hate her bacon blood. However, what makes no sense is that he goes crazy over a paper cut (they must have wrapped her gift in razor blades) after he was there in the ballet studio when she bleeding like crazy and he was very hungry. I want sense, I really don’t ask for much.

She then blows her own trumpet by saying how clever she is for taking the main character or love interest away. Actually, yes you can. He may not be Harry’s love interest but Ron leaving was a huge blow to him and we saw that. I’m sure there are plenty of romances that have done this, so no Meyer I refuse to applaud you.

I burst out laughing again:

That’s one of the biggest changes in Breaking Dawn, that Edward becomes an optimist.

I’m laughing but confused. Have I read the right book? I’m sure I have. Let’s break it down to the key points in the novel and how Edward reacted. Bullet list time!

1. Bella thinks she is pregnant: Edward sits like a useless rock until he declares that he is going to get the rusty coathanger and a rag soaked in ether.
2. Bella is pregnant with Demonspawn: Edward lays on the ground and eats dirt.
3. Bella is transforming but not moving: Edward stares at her stupidly convinced he fucked up.
4. Volturi coming to kill them: Tells everyone they are going to die and won’t train Bella as she is going to die with him so what’s the point.

Optimist my arse!! He is only optimistic about Bella’s vampire crap only because it allows everyone to be in awe of her and worship her like the Mary Sue she is. Anyway, we are now hitting the good bit: On Criticism!

Oh, well scratch that as that was disappointing. She is basically saying that you can’t please everybody which is fair as you can’t but knowing the full blown tantrum she had when people dared not to like ‘Breaking Dawn’ and she said they weren’t real fans then this doesn’t work. I think judging by when this interview took place that she has no idea how bad criticism can get as her fans haven’t turned on her yet. What I do find brilliant is that it is the readers getting the blame if they don’t like what has happened to the characters in the sequels as they just spent too much time imagining what they want them to be. No, that is not the case and I think I showed that in my previous post of my breakdown of each character. They then whine for a page about how much criticism hurts but I think I yelled enough about this on the last post. I’ll end that section with: GROW UP!!

Next up is ‘Breaking Dawn’, I think I will pour a glass of wine for that cesspit. Shannon Hale goes on about how it is her favourite of the series which makes me instantly view her suspiciously as an AUTHOR. Let’s take away the Demonspawn, it’s so badly written and littered with grammar and spelling mistakes, the characters are OOC, and nothing happens! She says the pregnancy bit is her favourite but it’s just everyone staring at Bella’s fertile womb. Nothing happens and anything that goes wrong is fixed within ten minutes. Oh Bella is dying and starving so let’s give her blood! Oh lookie, Bella looks fine within twenty minutes, phew. There is no tension whatsoever.

They go on about horror, which I guess you could say that the was birth horrifying as this Happy and Fluffy Land so Edward gutting his wife like a fish would be quite surprising. Then Meyer pisses me off.

We live in a time where having a baby is not so much more dangerous than giving blood. I mean it’s horrible, but it’s unlikely that you’re going to die.

Miss J

Excuse me? Is this woman deluded, as I really think she must be. How dare she sit there and be so flippant when women die every day from complications and many of the times their babies die with them. There are so many things that could go wrong with a pregnancy and for her to sit and shrug just seems so disrespectful when so many of her readers may have experienced traumatic births. Bella may not have had such a hard time if her doctor was not such a dumbarse who kept on her on the sofa with no IV and then carried around bridal style. That birth was clearly an attempt to make Bella look more special and this confirms it. Oh! Look at Bella and how she suffered the most traumatic birth ever so she could be the ultimate Mother Goddess and throw her fertile womb in people’s faces.


She then goes on about how she wanted Bella’s pregnancy to be one a kin to historical ones where you would be likely to die. Again, if Carlisle wasn’t such a dumbarse and gave her an emergency cesarean before the baby started doing the riverdance on her liver then maybe she wouldn’t have needed to be stabbed while conscious. The medical fail really hurts me. She gave everyone lobotomies just so Bella could have her violent birth especially as she is now priding herself on how violent it was. No, it was stupid and hilarious.


She then says that if she had just said that humans and vampires can have babies then people may have liked ‘Breaking Dawn’. She should have had foreshadowing in the actual text but no, I doubt they would have liked it as they hate that damn baby as she is basically Scrappy Do. She is like a locust plague that just consumes every character and does nothing but steal the spotlight. The majority of fans were teenage girls that wanted the romance and not Bella’s amazing spawn. Apart from the first part, the majority of the book was about the spawn and the fans hated that which is not surprising.

She then dares to enrage me again!

Vampires cannot have babies … because vampires aren’t real. [Laughs] And vampires can’t have babies with humans, because humans can’t actually copulate with vampires – because vampires are not real [SH Laughs] It’s a fantasy.

I swear to God, I want to throw a cactus. No, bad Meyer, bad! If you sit there and say that your creations are scientific and are based in the real world then you damn well better have a good explanation for how things happen and work. This woman is a hack, I need to believe that these things exist to be able to enjoy the story. Harry Potter does it’s best to explain why wizards live in secret and explains how they do it which is what is needed if I am going to believe that there is a wizard school in Scotland. Also, she just sounds really bitchy for being called out on the fact that she is nothing but a lazy hack. I am so pissed off now *seethes*.

Meyer then insults me more by saying how adorable it is that people love her books so much and think of them as so real that they actually want explanations for things. That’s it! FUCK THIS!!!


*Smoking slightly*

No Meyer, I hate your books and if you are writing in the real world with SCIENTIFIC vampires then you damn well better try and explain your abominations.

Shannon Hale is then stupid by asking if Demonspawn’s bite is venomous, it’s the damn book you love so much. Good Lord, these people are morons! She keeps insulting me as she is now saying Bella so did struggle with her vampire thirst. Meyer, we were reading in her first POV and all she said was “Ouch”, I am not to be convinced that she is not a raging Mary Sue.

Shannon Hale asks why ‘Breaking Dawn’ made Meyer so happy, well she was reading her own wank fantasy and was probably like this when she finished writing:

spiderman orgasm

Yeah. They are now talking about literary inspiration and Meyer has the nerve to compare Bella to Jane Eyre. I really don’t think I need to sit and explain how spineless, selfish, vain, sociopathic and bitchy Bella doesn’t have anything in common with Jane Eyre. I’ll just give myself another hernia.

This part is so much worse than the first as I feel like I’m being punched constantly as she is now banging on about how everyone would have died if they fought the Volturi. Meyer just shows how she is the worst military tactician ever as the Cullens had Captain Planet, Zafrina who could blind you or make you see anything she wanted, Kate who could electrify you, a ton of werewolves and Bella who can turn off abilities. The Volturi didn’t have a chance but Meyer is stupid and lazy so she will keep beating the mental battle until she dies.

Now my Shakespeare knowledge is dying as Meyer says she loves ‘The Merchant of Venice’ due to the happy couples getting happy endings. How this woman passed her English degree is beyond me. That play is seen as highly problematic as Shylock was sick to death of people screwing him over in his job and he is screwed over again by the very white and racist protagonists. He then has to give up everything he owns and forced to give up his Jewish faith to Christianity. Yeah, such a happy and fun ending.

They start wittering and wanking on about how they are AUTHORS who WRITE as they are such special AUTHORS! I’m skipping it as this is killing me and I want this interview to end. Same as the next section as I really don’t think anyone wants to read about Meyer wanking more about she is so successful and how amazing her books are, it’s tedious and horrible.

She then talks about how easy it was to write in the POV of Jacob and Edward which I agree with as they are the same as Bella. The only differences is that Edward is a genocidal maniac who likes to talk constantly and end everything in interrogatives. Oh and wank over the amazing awesome that is Bella. Jacob likes to spout purple prose while inserting teen talk that sounds so beyond fake and stupid. Oh and wank over the amazing awesome that is Bella. Honestly, what teenage boy imagines a teenage girl pregnant with his spawn which such happiness. That’s why it is easier because she cannot write separate characters with their own voices for the life of her.

She then refuses to say if there are any messages in her books, well there are plenty such as sex before marriage makes you a whore (not men of course), you should change yourself for your man and beauty means everything. She says she likes that people take from her books the message to wait for the perfect man as she says women shouldn’t settle for the mean boy. PAHAHAHA!!! That’s what Bella does, oh that is hilarious! If Edward is perfect then I’m an armadillo. I love how she is praising herself again too but also saying how that is so not her message.

SH: On the flip side, if someone comes away thinking that the moral story of New Moon is that there is only one person who’s right for you in the whole world and if they leave you then life is not worth living…

That was damn message in that book!! THE BOOK WENT BLANK FOR FOUR MONTHS!!!


Bella wouldn’t eat, listen to music, read, or watch TV as it was just too painful. She tried to kill herself on multiple occasions and then threw herself back into Edward’s arms the minute he turned up. This is such bullshit!!! Meyer says there is no message but that is crap as it’s literature and there will always be messages in it. Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining!

They both then whine about how it’s the readers fault if they get damaging messages from their books as it’s not like they wanted those messages there. Here is a thing, use your fucking brains and think about you’re writing especially when the main audience is impressionable teenage girls. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ on a Cracker!

I’m summing up the section on Celebrity and Success as it’s just Meyer whining how hard it is to be so loved and adored by fans which makes me fear for my laptop’s life as I may just hurl it out the window if I have to recap that. This is the same as them as wanking over each other about how awesome they are for being AUTHORS and I have truly reached the end of my tether with these self obsessed twits.

Thankfully that is the end of the interview. WOO!!! Next time will be Meyer trying to explain her scientific vampires which I think we know will be hilarious and mind numbingly stupid. At least we are getting onto the main meat of this thing as I don’t think I could take anymore self-congratulating wanking without losing what little sanity I have left. I’m so grabbing wine now. Toodles!

The Twilight Illustrated Guide: ‘A Conversation with Shannon Hale’ Part 1 Time to Crack Out the Brain Bleach!

It’s been so long since I actually wrote anything for this due to the stress of university but now I am back. It’s been an interesting few months where I have met someone amazing who loves my ranting (Lord help him if he didn’t) and I have been getting my confidence back which has been great. Still though, I have missed this so I thought I should do something simple to get me back but also rage inducing as that calms me. So what better than the ‘Twilight Illustrated Guide’, it is simple as its a guide to fill in the gaps (SPOILER ALERT! It doesn’t) and it’s rage inducing as well, it’s Twilight! I lost my shit dozens of times with ‘Life and Death’ so I am sure this will be no different. I also think this thing should be tackled as it’s really stupid and creates more plot holes than swiss cheese but also as it was published after the ‘Breaking Dawn’ fiasco then it hasn’t received much of a bashing as it should. This thing is copy and pasted crap that had no right to be published in hardcover but like ‘Life and Death’ there is horror and stupidity hiding in each page to cause you to have an aneurysm due to head-desking constantly.

So let’s get cracking! The first part will be ‘A Conversation with Shannon Hale’ but I won’t transcribe the whole interview as it’s not worth it and I would be here until I retired (66 Goddamn Pages! FRONT AND BACK!). Anyway, it means we get pure Stephenie Meyer logic which is both baffling and infuriating. Tally ho!


I have not gone even one page before I am pissed off and want to throw the damn book against the wall but I don’t want to damage my walls as I want my deposit back. First thing that has annoyed me is this line:

I love hanging out with authors, and I don’t get a chance to do it very often. So I oh-so-casually suggested my ‘baffy’ (Best-Author-Friends-Forever)

I think I may have died.

1. GROW UP! Baffy, really? How old are you? Twelve? My God, the utter immaturity of that term has caused me a hernia.
2. We get it, Meyer. You are an AUTHOR and you need to ram it down my throat how you are an AUTHOR who likes to be with other AUTHORS as you WRITE as that what AUTHORS do, which you happen to be.

She then just blathers on how much fun it was to spend a weekend with her AUTHOR friend and how it was the easiest interview she ever had. Well, duh! Of course it is as she is a friend who likes your work for some strange reason so she is hardly going to ask you probing and intense questions like why are your books so damn sexist? Also the second thing that pissed me off is that this interview took place on the 29th of August 2008, this was published in 2011. That is appalling, especially as I don’t think ‘Breaking Dawn’ was even published at this point or at the very latest it had been released for a week. Three years is a long time, especially after the controversy and ‘Midnight Sun’ fall out, this just strikes me as incredibly lazy and just hoping to flog more money out of Twihards but many had already abandoned the fandom by then so this is just a slap in face and shows how she doesn’t care anymore.

Blergh, the first section is about that fucking dream and her saying she needs to get it on record. WE KNOW! She has talked about the wet dream of her talking to the sparkly boy in the meadow who loved her but also wanted to eat her about a thousand times. She then just blathers on about how the dream intrigued her so she ignored her children to write the abomination that became ‘Twilight’. I’m really not bothering with this section as it is just Meyer talking about writing this thing at night as her children are so needy so she threw them in front of the TV so she could write which makes me feel uncomfortable.

She then goes on about how great it is to be a WRITER and AUTHOR! I don’t care, I just want to get to the real meat as she is just repeating herself constantly about how much she READS as she was meant to be an AUTHOR! It is screaming of look how unique and special she is which makes me want to curl up in a ball, especially as she is saying how AUTHORS have a special type of insanity as they can escape into an extra reality. I personally find that insulting, I don’t write creatively but I do that as do so many other people. What about avid gamers or those who spend hours playing role playing games where they create their own unique character for multiple sessions? It feels like she needs to beat me with how special she is for having that and how she was destined to be an AUTHOR.

I’m skipping the section on the writing process as I’m not a writer so I can’t criticise her. However, I am so going to criticise her for this:

SH: Obviously, millions of people now have read what you wrote. Is it still terrifying for you, every time you put a book out?

SM: Yeah …. And with good reason. Because the world has changed – and the way books are received is different now. People are very vocal. And I do not have a lot of calluses on my creative soul – every blow feels like the first one. I have not learned how to take that lightly or let it roll off of me. I know it’s something I need to learn before I go mad – but it’s not something I’ve perfected.

1. GROW UP!! (Apologies for the caps locking) You sound like a twelve year old and a Suethor.
2. I find this hysterical considering when this was done as I am sure she hasn’t had the full brunt of criticism and backlash from ‘Breaking Dawn’. Also she never learns this as she once again blamed everyone else for why ‘The Host’ movie sucked rather than see that the source material was awful.
3. GROW UP!! Seriously, Meyer is meant to be a professional AUTHOR as she loves to tell us. Part of that, even for aspiring authors is letting people read your drafts who you know will kick your arse and tell you if things need fixing. I get people asking me to read their essays and creative works because they know I will tell them straight. I am not attacking them as a person but something is clearly not translating well and it needs to be fixed. Meyer cannot separate herself from her work and refuses to so she surrounds herself with admirers who will do nothing but praise her. I’ve known aspiring authors like this and refuse to accept help as they have it in their heads that their work is a masterpiece but the problem is that even though it may be in their heads a masterpiece doesn’t mean the world will think so. Good betas will tell you what to fix rather than lick your boots and if people aren’t mature enough to understand that then they should not put their work out there for the world to see.

They then both whine for a while about how it is just so hard being an AUTHOR as people are just so mean. She then says this about her characters which cracked me up to no end:

You can’t change who they are to make the story go any easier.

PAHAHAHAHA!!!! That is hilarious. OK, so let’s take prudish and extreme virgin Edward, whom I am convinced would never have polished the sparkly knob, who at his wedding climbs under Bella’s dress to remove her garter with his teeth and then throws it in the face of Mike Newton. Yeah, that is so in character for Edward. Even him leaving in ‘New Moon’ is out of character as this is the man that stalked her before he even knew she was interested and refuses to leave her side for a minute, suddenly ups and leaves. No it was not for her safety, it was completely out of character and he had to leave so Bella could fawn over Jacob.

Next is Meyer talking about how Jacob was nothing but a plot device to tell Bella that Edward was a vampire as she is too stupid to figure it out and mysteries are hard to write as that requires skill and effort. What I love is how she uses a real Native American tribe as crappy plot device, that’s just lovely but I won’t go into it too much now as I am planning on a post about the werewolves and how problematic they are. What is hilarious and aggravating at the same time is Meyer talking about how Jacob grew as a character (likeable to an arsehole) and how he was no longer a plot device. Well, he may not have been in ‘New Moon’ and ‘Eclipse’ but he damn well was in ‘Breaking Dawn’, he only appears briefly in one chapter in Part One and that is to scream about vampire sex and Bella forgets him instantly when faced with sparkly penis. He has his own section in Part Two but the minute he imprints on Demonspawn then he is reset into his ‘Twilight’ mode and is basically a device to babysit so Bella can have all the hot monkey sex she wants with Edward without the inconvenience of a child. So yeah, she is talking complete crap.

By the time I got to Breaking Dawn the characters were so fleshed out – and their allegiances were so strong to whatever they hated or loved – that it made the story just a whole lot richer when I came to it the second time, because there was so much more backstory to it.

*Sigh* I’m going to have to break this shit down as there is so much to discuss. Right, the characters, lets break them down pre and post ‘Breaking Dawn’.


Pre: Prudish and extreme virgin, ridiculously ‘protective’ *cough* abusive, coward and Edwardian gentleman.

Post: Bella’s handbag and sparkly dildo. All he does is praise Bella but also eats dirt when she is pregnant. He is nothing but an accessory to show how Bella has the hottest husband ever, so there! All his characterisation, except cowardness is gone.


Pre: Twee, perky, appreciation for fashion and miniature Edward for the fact that she throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.

Post: CLOTHES! That’s all she cares about and dresses Bella’s corpse in a silk dress which is creepy. She does nothing but squawk about clothes.


Pre: Bitchy blonde who is also very vain due to said blondness but also wants babies.

Post: Fucking physco who wants to kill Bella and steal babies but is reset to being just a blonde minion. Did I mention that she was blonde?


Pre: Dumb muscle who doesn’t take life too seriously.

Post: Dumb muscle who just wants to kill things and has the maturity of a six year old when it comes to sex.


Pre: Useless mother figure who is nothing but a living fleshlight for Carlisle.

Post: Useless mother figure who is nothing but a living fleshlight for Carlisle.


Pre: Fucking psycho who scares the living daylights out of me.

Post: Fucking psycho who scares the living daylights out of me but only appears a handful of times.


Pre: Father figure and head of the Cullen family. Believes in peace and non violence.
Post: Creepy Aro stand in and is the worst doctor ever.


Pre: Melodramatic and always believes the worst is going to happen and that there is no hope even if there is a good chance everyone will be fine. Speaks in horrendous purple prose.

Post: Talks about “snarfing eggs” and “killing her buzz”. Looks like her brain has been eaten by Demonspawn as she just claps and declares that everything will be just peachy.


Pre: Started off likeable until he was upgraded to love interest in which he became a raging arsehole and P-G date rapist.

Post: Reset to plot device. He is nothing but a babysitter so Bella can do the nasty with Edward all night and provide dumb muscle for the battle.

So yeah, it is plainly obvious that their previous characterisation did not affect the outcome of their ‘Breaking Dawn’ personas as they were left in their Forever Dawn mode. Even the Twilight forums comment how much the characters seem out of character which says a lot.

She then bangs on about how Edward overthinks everything and always feels guilty. I call bullshit as he never feels guilty and doesn’t care that he has killed hundreds of people. Also this is the man that contemplated genocide on a tribe because of a simple accident. He is an arsehole but Jacob is no better. She talks about how he never thinks about anything but I can assure he does. He loved to talk endlessly about each step he took while he plotted to eat Bella’s baby before he imprinted on it. So yeah, Jacob does think and probably way too much but it is just melodramatic, whiney and scarily rapey.

I burst out laughing when she says that she always wanted to give Bella the choice of who to love and that choice is important. Why am I laughing? Well considering at the end of ‘Eclipse’ Bella tells Jacob that loving Edward was never a choice but a need like imprinting. So that really destroys her choice argument doesn’t it?

Meyer then insults everyone by saying no matter what she knew the events of ‘Breaking Dawn’ would happen and how she was clearly leading up to it. No, she wasn’t. There was nothing in the previous books that indicated Bella would have a creepy baby that Jacob declared as his child bride. She is either deluded or lying. She argues that she didn’t want to make it obvious but that does not excuse the total lack of foreshadowing that occured, it came out of nowhere. We knew the final Harry Potter book would include a showdown with Voldemort and people would have rightly been furious if what actually happened was if Voldemort wandered off and Harry frollicked in Beauxbatons for a year while trying to free house elves instead as it would make no sense.

Meyer than talks about how Bella wouldn’t have changed a thing and would have gone through what she had and I want to say well, duh. She got everything she ever wanted without doing anything. She got her beauty, immortality, money, perfect dildo and dream life with very little work and suffering. Even the Jacob triangle worked out easily as he imprinted on her baby and was just fine and dandy with Bella rejecting him and becoming a vampire.

I’m going to end the first part here as I have ranted a lot and I still have half of the interview to go. Next time will be Part 2 of this heinous interview and then we can move on to the good stuff such as vampires, which I promise is hilarious.

Pet Sematary: The Rebirth of Frankenstein

I thought I would post one of my academic works on here as I had so much fun writing it. I hope you all enjoy!

Since ‘Frankenstein’ was published in 1818 by Mary Shelley, the story has taken hold of the public imagination like no other. One of the earliest transformations of Frankenstein was depicted in Richard Brinsley Peake’s play which first performed in 1823 and the only stage depiction that Mary Shelley saw in her lifetime. This adaptation sees the creature transformed from an articulate and sympathetic being to a blue skinned mute. This adaptation is clearly the inspiration for Hollywood’s later cinematic adaptations. This gave birth to James Whale’s version (1931), providing the world with the iconic image of the creature in Boris Karloff’s performance which grew so familiar it re-emerged repeatedly in Comic Books and pastiche such as the Munsters TV show. However, Stephen King notes in his non-fictional work Danse Macabre (1981) how far the twentieth-century view of the creature has drifted from Shelley’s original concept, replacing the articulate, athletic warrior-sage of the novel with a dull witted, often speechless monster with bolts sticking out of his neck. This is why it must seem odd to many to see this work standing alongside W. W. Jacobs’s celebrated story ‘The Monkey’s Paw’ (1902) as the inspiration for Stephen King’s bleakest work of horror, but the similarities are startling. When reading both side by side the reader can see how the journeys of both Victor Frankenstein and Dr Louis Creed run parallel as both men of science turn their backs on what is deemed to be the laws of nature. The aim of this work is to pick apart both novels to compare and contrast to see how Frankenstein was reinvented for the purposes of the late twentieth century through Stephen King’s Pet Sematary.

Stephen King is seen as one of the greatest horror writers in the modern age due to his keen interest in the psychology of his characters. From the beginning of his career he has been profoundly influenced by the acknowledged classics of the horror genre, as can be clearly seen for instance in his second published novel Salems Lot (1975) which develops a modern day Dracula story. When King discusses the horror genre it is more than clear that he has a particular respect and love for Shelley’s great novel:

How did it happen that this modest gothic tale, which was only about a hundred pages long in its first draft (Ms Shelley’s husband, Percy encouraged her to flesh it out), became caught in a kind of cultural echo chamber, amplifying through the years until, a hundred and sixty-four years later, we have a cereal called Frankenberry […] an old TV series called The Munsters […] Aurora Frankenstein model kits […] and a saying such as ‘He looked like Frankenstein’ as a kind of apotheosis of ugly?

The problem with the Frankenstein myth, as King and anyone who understands the novel knows, is that the Creature has been manipulated by Hollywood from a sympathetic but articulate creature to a mute and stupid but is still seen as sympathetic in the earlier films but the creature has been warped for film adaptations. In Pet Sematary it feels like Victor Frankenstein finally gets a modern twist, escaping from his caricature as a cackling scientist with his deformed assistant Fritz. Through Pet Sematary we see a likeable young doctor who is willing to defy and challenge the laws of nature that all things must die to bring his son back to life, thus mirroring Victor Frankenstein’s journey to create life through scientific means due to the loss of his mother.

The first aspect to analyse is how both novels came to be, due to the fact that both Shelley and King used personal experiences as inspiration for their respective novels. The circumstances of Frankenstein’s creation are well known , having been immortalised by for instance the opening section of James Whale’s movie Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and the Ken Russell movie Gothic (1986) after staying with Lord Byron in Switzerland and trapped in bad weather a group of friends, including Percy Bysshe-Shelley and John Polidori, decided each to write a ghost story to pass the time. Being unable to write one herself, Mary Shelley listened to her companions as they discussed Luigi Galvani’s electrical experiments on dissected frogs and whether it was possible to bring the deceased back to life through the use of electricity. This gave rise to Mary Shelley’s dream of a creature watching it’s creator in bed which later became one of the key scenes in the novel. She argued that what terrified her must terrify others which became known as looking over your shoulder type of horror, and pressed ahead to write the novel with her husband Percy overseeing her work at every stage.

It is known to those who are fans of his work that this is the book King doesn’t like to talk about. This is due to his feeling that this was the novel in which he went too far and is notably the bleakest novel he has ever written as there is no happy ending or hope of one. This novel almost never saw publication and if it wasn’t for the fact that King was in dispute with his publisher Doubleday at the time and that he needed to produce one more novel before he could end the contract it would not have been published. His reason for why he finds this book so repulsive was the inspiration. King had recently relocated to a small town in Maine so that he could work at the University of Maine. His house was situated on a very busy road that had claimed the lives of many of the towns’ pets and this included his own daughter’s cat Smucky, who incidentally is mentioned in the novel but not as Louis’ daughter’s cat but an unknown child’s deceased cat. Smucky is constantly mentioned in Louis’ thoughts after Gage’s death and has hence been reanimated in literature. When his son Owen, who was the same age as Gage, almost ran into the road, King started to wonder ‘What If?’ – and thus Pet Sematary was born.

There are other thematic links between Frankenstein and Pet Sematary, above all the fears attached to parenthood and childbirth. King was rocked to the core at the prospect of losing his son on the road, while Mary Shelley was traumatised by the very processes of giving birth and becoming a mother, both because her mother had died ten days after her birth and on account of losing many children through premature births. Many critics argue that these fears inspired the dream that triggered her writing of the novel, and that her fear of giving birth can be detected in her narrative. This can be seen in Kenneth Branagh’s 1994 adaptation of Frankenstein in which Victor is depicted as a bad mother due to the abandonment of his creation as well as the creation scenes showing influence from childbirth.

Both are exceptionally bleak books without hopeful endings and this appears to stem from their inspiration but also from the idea that to accept death is the most natural road, rather than to try and defy mortality – a position that only one of the protagonists comes to understand and accept which would be Victor.

Both Victor and Louis Creed are devoted to their families but there are aspects of both of them that find their families a burden. This can be seen with Victor in the early sections of the novel where he is isolating himself in his study to the point where he looks ill from lack of exposure to daylight but also neglects to answer letters from Elizabeth who would later become his wife:

I pursued my undertaking with unremitting ardour. My cheek had grown pale with study, and my person had become emaciated with confinement.

However, with Louis this attitude of unhealthy detachment from the outside world, and above all from his family, occurs much earlier in the narrative, when he daydreams of leaving his family by the side of the road to go and work at Disney World in Florida due to his irritation with his family moving cross country. This day dream develops throughout the narrative to only including Gage and occasionally Church.

The key word in the quoted passage that links the two doctors together is the word ‘secret’. Both of these men relish the secrets they are keeping from their loved ones in the beginning such as when Victor is working on his ‘experiments’. This is also clear with Louis Creed, but one of the most startling examples of his love of secrets comes after the death of Church the cat but before he is resurrected home and lies to his daughter telling her that he hadn’t seen Church since dinner:

“Oh boy, you would have made a great murderer – cool as a cucumber. Dr. Creed, when did you last see the deceased? He came in for supper. Had a plate of beef stew, in fact. Haven’t seen him since.”

There is no shame in lying to his daughter, but it is perhaps unseemly how far he relishes it. Victor feels to be the same very early on while he is working on his ‘experiment’ but this changes when he sees the outcome of his creation and the horror he feels when he first looks upon it. This is very similar to Louis’s reaction to successfully lying to his family about Church’s fate. Louis relishes the secret of Church’s death until the cat comes home and is wrong. Both men are horrified by what they have created but they then take different paths, both of which lead to their destruction. Victor shuns the empathetic but hideous creature due to its appearance, a response which transforms it into the hateful wretch that seeks to destroy Victor. Victor feels that if he shuns the creature then the problem will just go away but that of course does not happen. To quote Pet Sematary, in a phrase that seems to apply equally to both novels:

“What you buy is what you own, and sooner or later what you own will come back to you.”

Both men have their creations ‘come back’ to them. Victor ignores and shuns his creation but as the quote explains by ignoring the situation ruins Victor’s moment of happiness when he is able to marry Elizabeth but this all destroyed on their wedding night when the creature kills her as Victor destroyed his prospective mate. Whereas Louis fully accepts responsibility for what he has done, going so far as to clean up Church’s kills, but hiding them from his family, observing ruefully that he now owns Church due to his burial in the Micmac burial ground as Jud explains that you bury your own in the cemetery and Louis sees this to mean that the reanimated Church is now his rather than his daughter’s. This backfires on Louis as he becomes too complacent with Church’s presence and uses his changes to rationalise his plan of resurrecting his son, Gage.

It is no mistake that the student who sets off the events in Pet Sematary is named Victor Pascow; it is as if Victor Frankenstein is there to warn Louis about the consequences of exploiting the Micmac burial ground.

This adds another interesting parallel between the two stories as both provide elements of the situation in the U.S.A. towards the Native Americans. The creature expresses sympathy with the Native Americans due to their treatment by the American government which saw their sacred lands taken from them. The Creature is heartbroken as he is empathetic towards those he feels are being wrongly treated by an unjust society which mirrors his feelings and treatment. He laments the way humans treat each other so viciously and the reader can see the childlike innocence of the creature being stripped away with the realisation of the horrors of the world. This is also due to appearances as the Creature is never given a chance to show his good personality as he is immediately shunned by all those who see him or worse is treated with complete scorn and ridicule. He becomes attached to the peasant family and wants to help them but is shunned, he runs a parallel with the Native Americans who first tried to help the settlers but were then horribly persecuted and slaughtered. The ‘Other’ is usually treated with mistrust and contempt by the majority. However, in Pet Sematary the Native Americans are treated with indifference but Rachel shows her ingrained racial constructs when after she has heard that the Micmac’s want their land back, she is ignores that but exclaims with delight to hear that this land is part of her property and says that she ‘owns it’. Jud replies that the land is part of the property which Louis notes is not the same thing. It appears to show the arrogance of white settlers assuming that they own Native American lands and never consider the repercussions and it is more than clear that the white settlers of Ludlow are not to be trusted with the powers of the Micmac burial ground as they use it for selfish gains and have no respect as to what those grounds mean to the tribe. The Micmac tribe knows that the Wendigo is not to be trusted and knew to abandon burying their dead there when it became apparent that the ground had gone ‘sour’.

Once again it is important to quote two things that Victor Pascow says to Louis Creed before and after his own death as it provides a clear parallel to Victor Frankenstein’s journey in his story:

“The soil of a man’s heart is stonier; a man grows what he can and tends it.”
“Don’t go beyond, no matter how much you feel you need to, Doctor. The barrier was not made to be broken. Remember this: there is more power here than you know. It is old and always restless. Remember.”

The first quote refers to secrets, invoking the idea that men due to their nature are more inclined than women to keep secrets away from their loved ones and this is explained by Jud to Louis which is shown when it is revealed that Jud had been unfaithful to his wife throughout their marriage but he believed these secrets protected his wife’s sanity. The idea of men having to keep their secrets in check to protect their loved proves to be futile as it is revealed by the Wendigo that Norma knew and had cheated too. It would appear to show that men should not feel justified in keeping secrets from women to protect them due to their gender. If both Victor and Louis had been honest to the women in their lives then neither women would have died. This accounts for the wrongful execution of Justine for William’s death.

Women are ultimately the ones who suffer the most in both novels due to the misogynist view that they are not strong enough to handle the truth of what their husbands have done. It shows a clear gender division and when the reader sees descriptions of Elizabeth it is always how sweet, innocent and kind she is which infantilises the character and in turn in Victor’s mind justifies his secrets. He never gives Elizabeth the chance to show her strength of character. Rachel is described as damaged due to the death of her sister at a young age which gave her a phobia of death. However, Louis also has the view that Rachel is too delicate to handle unpleasant truths which the reader sees early on that Rachel never knew that her father tried to bribe Louis to leave her as he deemed him not good enough for his daughter. Rachel struggles through the novel especially after Gage’s death in which the men surround and treat her like a child believing she can’t cope. Like Elizabeth, Rachel’s strength is there but is diminished due to the narrative focusing on Louis’ grief and increasing insanity. In both novels the focus is on the male characters such as Victor, Walton and the Creature whereas the focus in Pet Sematary is on Louis, Jud and Gage which means that the women are often sidelined but are ultimately the main casualties. The women in both novels are clearly restrained in the domestic spheres and are confined to the caring and supportive roles to the dominant male characters.

The theme of secrets is not just defined by these two men but by their mentors who empathise with both protagonists. Victor’s teacher Waldman doesn’t scoff at the young man’s interest in alchemy like his other tutors; instead he supplements it with his own specialist knowledge and later confesses that he was pleased to finally have a student he could take under his wing and with whom he could share his most treasured knowledge. Louis has a similar relationship with his neighbour Jud Crandall, who comes to view him with fatherly affection and who reveals to him the secret of the Micmac burial ground.

In the end both men suffer utter destruction, with Victor losing his entire family to the creature and embarking on a quest to end his creation’s life while Louis has to kill his son and see the bodies of his wife and father figure. One vital aspect is that both men try to impart their secrets to others: Victor to Captain Walton as he lies dying, in an effort to warn him about the dangers of meddling too far with nature, while Louis tries to lure his friend Steve into helping bury his deceased wife Rachel in the Micmac burial ground. Steve almost follows him, feeling the influence of the Wendigo, but then pulls away. It is established that the Wendigo has influenced the events in the novel in many instances such as when Jud tries to stay awake to wait for Louis and to stop him from burying Gage in burial ground. Jud acknowledges that his drowsiness is caused by the forces of the burial ground. The Wendigo influence doesn’t cause the events but helpfully moves it a long as it was still Louis’ decision to reanimate Gage.

It’s never explained but Jud suggests that the place gets hold of you and that you must share its secrets, and this seems to explain Louis’ reasoning to try and lure Steve to the burial ground as it is explained that is a secret that people can’t help to share. Both, then, try to tell their dark secrets, but only Victor does so with good intentions.

The creations are polar opposites in representation but also shed light on Louis and Victor’s perspectives on their actions throughout the novel. Victor’s creation on the outside is a hideous creature that is treated with scorn and hatred but has a good heart at the beginning. The creature only wants acceptance and love but is shunned by his creator and the peasant family that he learns the art of language from. This rejection is what causes the creature to commit his first major crime: that is, to kill young William Frankenstein, both because the boy scorns him and also because he is a close relative of the creator who shunned him. The creature was not created evil but slowly became murderous due to the treatment society dealt him with. This is in stark contrast to Gage Creed. The big part of Louis’s rationalising that Gage will return whole was on account of Church the cat, who seemed to look very much as he did before his death. Unlike animals, who appear stupid and clumsy, humans come back as demonic forces but lull their creators into a false sense of security even though they emit an aura of wrongness. This is defined in the Encyclopaedia of Fantasy, as most found in horror and supernatural fiction that sees the real world violated by supernatural elements.

The demonic forces in Pet Sematary are said to be the Wendigo which is a Native American mythical creature that is often blamed for the outbreaks of cannibalism in tribes due to the starvation faced as a result of European colonisation. The victims of cannibalism buried in the Micmac burial ground are blamed for the land going sour as it is said that those who resort to cannibalism have been touched by the Wendigo. It is the Wendigo’s power that reanimates the dead and acts as vessel. All of those that come back have the element of wrongness due to being violated by the supernatural force of the Wendigo.This may explain the hostile actions of the Wendigo as it is probably an act of revenge for the the atrocities committed against the Micmac tribe. However, this is not the case as in Native American folklore the Wendigo is the equivalent to a monovalent and evil demon that is connected to the winter and starvation. It is clear that this creature is myth associated with the troubles that Native Americans faced when the European settlers came to the continent. It is the Micmac’s who need to be entrusted with the burial ground to prevent the Wendigo from possessing corpses for its own gains. This further links the novel to Frankenstein as the creature has sympathies with the Native American people when he overhears the struggles they face: I heard of the discovery of America, and wept with Safie over the hapless fate of its original inhabitants. The creature is distraught to learn of the social injustices and sympathises. The Creature embarks on quest of revenge to those that have wronged him but also a society that has shunned them. The Wendigo in Native American folklore is an evil creature but in the novel it becomes clear that it is a metaphor for white colonists ignoring native beliefs and culture but also appropriating them too as the Micmacs know what the burial ground does and wants it back as it is clear that the white settlers of Ludlow are not to be trusted with its power. Both are highlighting the social injustices of the time, when Frankenstein was published Native Americans faced great injustice and were stripped of their lands for colonisers which ties together the time of Pet Sematary which was published at a time when Native Americans were fighting the U.S. government to reclaim their lands.

In conclusion, there is a reason that the Frankenstein myth and Stephen King’s novels have come to embody the ‘post-industrial modernity’. Both Shelley and King know how to play on the fears of those around them but also delve into very personal fears of loss and rejection. This makes both works highly effective and I can personally say that ‘Frankenstein’ and ‘Pet Sematary’ affected me deeply due to the social injustices to those who are different from the anglo-western normative, bereavement and utter bleakness of the stories told.

It seems odd to post something with a lack of anger and insults but I am pretty sure my next lot will have that. I’m going to take a break from ‘Pet Semetary’ (I have one last post to do on the subject) and take a bash at the representation of the Native Americans in ‘Twilight’ or ‘The Twilight Illustrated Guide’ as my God, I’m in need of a rage and they are perfect!

Darker (Christian Grey Sequel): I Need My Brain Bleach!!! *Sobbing*

Why do I honestly do this to myself?! It’s scary to think that my first review was Grey and now look what I have read in between. Well, the damage is done and I have now read Darker which is Fifty Shades Darker but from Christian Grey’s point of view. Now, I have read some of the worst fiction to darken a book store but I honestly think this is truly the worst. It was both boring and horrifying. I am not going to do a chapter by chapter recap for a few reasons:

*No point what’s so ever! It’s the same damn book. Yes, Life and Death technically was but that had huge discussions to go with it due to the gender swap. This is just the same story with Grey being annoying or disgusting. No one needs to be subjected to that.

*The chapters are split by days and one Saturday is literally a 100 pages long! That is not good for recapping and reviewing.

This post is mainly about Christian Grey as everyone is a cardboard cutout who only speaks to praise our arsehole of a love interest. Now I must go through the safety check list:

*Wine CHECK!
*Unicorn Hooded Blanket CHECK!
*Brain Bleach CHECK!
*Life Jacket CHECK!

Excellent, all set to go. The first thing to discuss before we reach Christian Grey is the blurb as it thinks I am a fucking moron!! The entire blurb is interrogatives! Here is one of four she puts:

“And if Christian does win Ana back, can a man so dark and damaged ever hope to keep her?”


NO! Bad Book! BAD! *Gets Fly Swat*



The others are; oh will Leila hurt Ana and other such crap. That blurb is insulting and stupid as the people who picked up this shit know the damn plot. *Punches Cushion*

Let’s discuss the arsehole that is Christian Grey! Now, during the first review I said even though Grey made me want to die as he is a psychotic bastard but it was still better to hear that rather than Ana the child who has a prudish sub-conscious and a sex goddess who is constantly on heat. I take that all back!!! Please give me that point of view instead as this was beyond tolerable, he is either an abusive arsehole or a love-sick and whiny teenager who WON’T SHUT UP!!!! I swear to God all this man does for 546 pages is go on and on and on and on and on about how Ana will surely leave him when she finds out that he is a monster and likes shagging mother surrogates because he is a creepy arsehole. I swear every page looks like this:

“She doesn’t know the monster.
The monster is not worthy of her love”

It is repetitive, bad form and just so boring. He just doesn’t stop whining and I know it’s for us to think “Oh noes! Christian you are amazing and worthy!” Well, no I just wanted to stick his head in a blender as he is still the abusive arsehole that he was but whinier. He honestly sounded like Edward in Midnight Sun, “Oh Bella won’t love me as I’m a vampire but I am going to watch her from the bushes anyway!” His constant words of how he is a monster would have more effect if he didn’t stalk her and hatch plans to win her back within five pages. If he really felt like that then he should have told her about his creepy fetish of shagging pseudo-mummy figures when she agreed to be with him and never leave him again. As we all know, he does tell her and she accepts it while being horrified for about a page (maybe a chapter if I’m being generous). Yet, he still whines!!!! All he does is go on about how she will leave him in either his thoughts and speech. The speech side bothers me as it feels abusive as he keeps saying she won’t love him enough and will just leave him while shattering his very existence and he may as well die without her. He even falls to floor in a frankly fake way to his knees when all she wants is a night away to think after being scared that she isn’t right for him. He emotionally blackmails her that she promised never to leave and then proposes. He is such a manipulative snake.

Right, let’s go back and start at the beginning. Grey is pissed that he has to wait a few hours to stalk/see Ana as he decided he wants her back. He picks her up and takes her to the helicopter while expressing his wish that he could rape her then and there as he describes how unwilling she looks but he wants her NOW! This is disgusting and thank goodness I have my Shiraz. They go to her friend Jose’s art exhibition and we get a new vile quality to add to our errmm….. hero? We know he is a sexist, rapist, abusive and narcissistic prick. Well, we now need to add racism to the list as that is exactly what we want in a love interest!

“He’s a good looking son of a bitch, for a dope smoker.”

*Pinches nose and breathes heavily*

E.L. James, do you know how it looks when you say the only person of colour and of Latin American descent is a dope smoker? It was never, ever established in this series that he smoked weed. Guess what that looks like? “Oh he is brown and from Mexico or something, of course he smokes weed! Isn’t that what they all do while wearing sombreros and napping? This why we need the wall. MURICA!!!!”


Congratulations E.L. James, you have now made your love interest, who is apparently the dreamiest guy, ever into a racist prick to add on to his other disgusting qualities. Anyway, shock horror Ana and Grey get back together and that is when we start the dance of how he is a monster and how Ana is the most amazing woman to ever grace the planet and don’t you dare forget it!

It really is so bloody tedious. She does something simple like making eggs and he goes on about how amazing she is. Sadly, we also have a lot of the annoying child sections thrown in where he doesn’t stop going on about apples and being burnt. I know I should care but I don’t as he was only abused until he was four, it was horrific yes but from the age of four he was adopted by the rich and indulgent Greys compared to other children who are thrown around from foster home to foster home for years but they don’t abuse others and use their past as an excuse. It really pisses me off. We also sadly, get more vile retcon when it comes to his mother, Ella (I am not calling her the crack whore, like Grey). We knew in the trilogy that Ella made her son a chocolate cake for this birthday, which is one of the instances that shows that she did love and care for her son. James, really tries to beat it into us that she is evil because she called him ‘maggot’ and kindly shows us the scene when she was going to make his cake by showing a beaten woman showing a client into her room and promising to make him a cake afterwards but calls him maggot. That fails on so many levels! The use of the word ‘maggot’ does not convince me she is evil and hates her son as why would she make him a damn birthday cake? She would not do that as that costs money which they clearly don’t have as Grey loves to go on about how poor they were. She would not waste her time and money on her son if she didn’t love him, I can’t even see her keeping him if that’s the case as why would she? Give him up and go back to the crack. It is honestly just so lazy and James thinks we will believe she is a evil by throwing in this word for retcon sake. This is pure telling and not showing but then again fans think Grey is the best so I’m sure they believe this crap too.

The other aspect to discuss is Leila, the mentally ill ex-submissive that was stalking Grey and Ana. In the original we have the utter nonsense that a mentally ill and filthy girl just happened to get a gun permit in Washington, which is pretty strict, for plot sake. Well, James who loves to retcon likes to tell us that she forged the papers to get the permit.

Disgusted Cat

*Groans*, this is so stupid and my brain hurts. How on earth could a homeless, stinking, mentally ill young woman have gotten forged papers for a gun permit. The book describes her as damaged and vacant due to her illness but yet she had enough gusto and mental sufficiency to find a forger and pay him for papers which is hilarious as when Grey finds her she has no belongings. This has to be the worst retcon ever as it just makes the stupid even worse. This woman needs to research! Oh wait, it’s a wank fantasy! Never mind!

So part of me was impressed (very small part) with Grey when he takes care of Leila as he does seem to care about her wellbeing and what happened to her. This is completely ruined when he notices how filthy she is from being homeless. Does he feel utter horror and sympathy that someone he claimed to have cared about once has been reduced to this pitiful and tragic state? PAHAHAHAHA!!!! Of course not! He just goes on about how she stinks and it reminds him of his tragic past with his mother’s pimp because she smells icky like him. Wow, I can really see how good his heart is. *Eye Roll*

To be honest, the rest is just the same. We get no extra back story as whenever we have Grey talking to someone else then it’s just him going on about Ana and is she talking about him. There is no extra backstory or characterisation. Everyone is just as boring as before and waving pom-poms for Grey and Ana’s golden vagina. The sex scenes are the same but interrupted with Grey talking about Ana if she is property which is nothing new and going on about how she will leave him. More time is spent fleshing out their banging then plot, and no I am not surprised.

Aspects that should have involved more fleshing out were skipped through quickly like his helicopter crash, all he does is whine that Ros is excited to be in a helicopter for the first time as joy annoys him. Even his conversation with his mother when she learns he was in a sexual relationship with her friend at 15 is rushed through. All we get is her patting him and saying she is angry and then we are done! Yes, she is horrified that her friend is a pedophile but it lasts two pages as we need to go on about Ana rather than plot building. I can’t even talk about Ana, as there is nothing different but Grey/James wanking over the self-insert with declarations of how awesome she is when we know she is as smart and interesting as a cabbage.

So basically, this book is pure trash and I would honestly say this is the worst one of this series which is an accomplishment. This book should flesh out the characters and show us scenes that we haven’t read then rehashing the same shit with Grey whining all the damn time. I expected to be horrified and I was but not as much as I was with Grey. If anything I was just very bored, which is shocking as Darker in Ana’s point of view is vile. It still is but you can only be shocked once. I was appalled with the racism and the notion that maybe beating a woman till she cries is good for her as women love to cry to get hold of their emotions don’t they? Oh, wait! Most don’t, maybe I should tell James but she’ll block me like every other critic who calls her out for this abusive shit.

So we are done! I do not recommend reading this, even for the horror or lols as you won’t get many of that but may be good as a cure for insomnia. I’m not sure what I’ll do next as I am back to university in January but I am sure I’ll figure out something. Happy Holidays!

IT: Tim Curry Did IT Better!


Yes, yes, yes I am horrendously late to this little gathering (as usual), I did see this in October but it has taken me this long to write about because of …… reasons. Yup! Anyway, I have to do this now because there is a darker cloud descending on this universe that is even worse than Pennywise loose on Derry. Yes, the release of ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Grey Edition is due to be released next week and because I hate myself means I will review/recap the shit out of that thing. It will probably take months and gallons of booze as my God, we thought Twilight was bad, well this is a different beast. I may even wear a life jacket while writing it as I need to take as many safety measures on board with that thing.

Anyway! I saw the new instalment of IT with a friend of mine and I did enjoy it. Promise! However, there were glaring problems with it and I am going to take you all through it as I want you to suffer with me.


I know it sends petty but I hate how they took a character of colour with amazing growth and the one responsible for solving the 27 year mystery as just a black guy. The book is set in the 1950s (when they are children) and Mike has understandably a hard time fitting in with the Maine and the vastly white town of Derry. Mike doesn’t lay down and whine but is a strong character and it is through his father that he learns about the 27 year mystery of Pennywise. His father was a veteran of WWII and settled in Derry but experienced horrendous racial abuse due to his skin colour but his father loved Derry as the place he became settled and produced a scrap book to document the history of the town. This works as we will find out (SPOILER ALERT) that Mike becomes the towns librarian. He took his love of the towns history from his father and is the only one to settle.

Yet, in the film he is nothing but the black kid. He barely has any lines and his arc with his father about dealing with racial prejudice is just gone. There is a whole segment of how Mike’s dog; Mr Chips is killed by the psycho Henry Bowers due to him believing that his father has been persecuted by black man loving cops. Sounds racist, damn yes it is as Bower’s father killed Mike’s father’s chickens due to his race and Henry feeling like he must avenge his father. He uses the most racist words when killing Mike’s dog and the audiences truly feels disgusted about the racial abuse and segregation that Mike and his family goes through. This has been cut! All we see is Mike traumatised by a fire that killed his family which neatly removes any character arc that he gets. He is just the black kid and he stays like that. Which is a complete shame as his character is transferred to:


Ah Ben, he is such a sweetie in the book. He is well read and considerate but I stand by he should never have been given Mike’s story arc. Yes, they handwave it and say that due to Ben being new (translates as fat which therefore means: EW NERD) that he is the one who figures out the 27 year secret to Pennywise, Just because he is new, fat, white and wears glasses I guess. It really annoys me as Ben has his own arc to follow without stealing Mike’s and therefore making the stand in token person of colour which he becomes. Ben is very intelligent and this helps him become what he becomes in the adult years which is an architect but he isn’t the historian, that’s Mike! We never see Ben’s skills as an architect like we do in the book. He just plays the fat and love sick puppy. Like Mike he has no growth whatsoever.


Oh, Bev! What to say about you?! I loathe that she became so sexualised that it is ridiculous. Yes, I have read the book and that scene *shudder* but Bev is so much more than meat to be stared at. Bev is strong considering her upbringing of abuse (the sexual abuse is never known as it was Pennywise that instigated it) and she is one of the boys in the Losers Club. I almost threw something when I saw her being taken to Pennywise’s lair as what the hell is that?! She is the one who was given the slingshot to fire the silver bullets at IT in the first half of the book so why now in the film is she the helpless female and is captured for the big, strong men to come and claim her. She seems to be there for very awkward and prison related wank fodder. All we see is her in her underwear and then captured for the big strong men to come and rescue her. EWWW GROSS!!! NO!!!

Why cant we have a strong female in horror fiction? Why!?! *Sobbing* What makes this shitfest even worse is that it takes Ben to kiss her while she is comatose to bring her back from the deadlights and back to herself. *Throws Wardrobe* For Christ sakes can we please have a strong female protagonist?!?
Bev is nothing but a prepubescent wank fodder, which makes me want to die. She was so much more in the books but she has been reduced to the feminine ideal of useless that needs rescuing by a man.


I am not going to lie that I found the lack of child death disappointing. They are in the novel (Yes I know there is a weird orgy scene but go with me here) but in the film in it is pretty sanitised. I find that a shame as a lot of the deaths mentioned are tragic due to the repercussions that we see. Also all we see is Bill being obsessed with his brother which is fair but it lacks the edge the novel has that Bill knows George is dead.

Henry Bowers

Is he dead?!?! He surely must be but we need him for the second part.

Final Thoughts

I enjoyed the film, I really did but Timmy Curry did it better. I can’t help it but you have excellent source material so use it! I loathe that Mike becomes the random black guy that stands there and Bev is just there as someone to be rescued as women can’t take care of their own. Blergh, they’ll want to vote next. Anyway, next is Grey’s version of Fifty Shades Darker and to be honest I would rather face Pennywise in the Sewer.

Disney Role Models: Elsa (Frozen) vs. Hercules (Well Duh!)


Hades really sums up about how I feel about this topic. He is awesome so I am good with this. Hey-ho! Let’s Go!

This blog post is inspired by several conversations I have had regarding the film ‘Frozen’. For those who know me, know that I hate that goddamn film with a passion! If you don’t then here is a link to my review to see my reasons as to why I hate this film.

Anyway, during a conversation at an event I was in the minority in my hatred for the film which never surprises me but the thing that I found surprising was the vocal outrage that I said that I found Elsa to be useless and whiney with her powers and especially in terms of when I made the comparison with “Hercules”. As this is the introduction I won’t go into it now but will discuss it in length in this post. I decided that ‘Hercules’ was the best comparison for reasons I have said before but I will go into more detail here. Also ‘Hercules’ is so ridiculously underrated in my opinion, considering it has very empowering messages that I feel it is this film’s time to shine against the lazy crap that is ‘Frozen’.

I am also sick of this film being lauded as amazing for female empowerment as it really isn’t, especially when you look closely at the messages that are shown. This is why I have brought up ‘Hercules’ as even when you compare the two, the argument is thrown out as Hercules is a man and the film is apparently aiming to the macho man. I want to show why that is wrong. It maybe my bias showing but I identify very strongly with Hercules and I promise to explain!

Please remember that this is biased as I loathe ‘Frozen’ and am determined to prove that it is overrated crap. I will try and be fair though. (sort of)
Both of our protagonists have very powerful gifts that can easily be used to destroy everything around them. Elsa has her ice powers and Hercules has his super strength. Both of them are shunned for their powers too. Elsa accidentally strikes her sister with her ice-beam and needs to be cured by trolls, this leads to Elsa shutting herself away with her gloves made out of angst. I refuse to believe that her parents shut her away as they do not have a son so therefore Elsa would automatically become the reigning monarch after the death of her father. Why shut her away as she needs to learn the rules of the land and court so making her a social novice would be detrimental to the kingdom when (not if) she rules. This makes me believe that she shut herself away in guilt, which is understandable but there comes a point when you need to pick yourself and get over it, especially when your sister is outside of your door begging you to build a goddamn snowman. We see the span of this guilt and self-rejection for over ten years, it was accident and for the love of God, get over it! Please! I hate angst!! Oh, Jesus, I’m having flashbacks of Bella and her Goddamn Hole. It is not good to be reminded of the most useless literary female protagonist as that really doesn’t say much for your so called empowered female.

I’m not going to lie but I have little patience with long term self-pitying over something small. Elsa could have tried to learn to control and use her powers for good. She didn’t, she sat there and wallowed in her room for ten years. GAHHH!!! IT”S BELLA AGAIN!!! *PICKS UP FLY SWAT!* This is why it all comes to disaster at her coronation where she iced things and caused eternal winter while running away. She may have her “I don’t care song” in “Let it Go” but then she just sits in her castle and whines some more which is understandable after what has happened. What is unacceptable is that she does not care that she hit her sister with the ice-beam that she knows WILL KILL HER and just sits and whines some more. That is not empowering at all. Please tell me how this is empowering towards woman?!

I will bring up a well-loved female protagonist before I discuss Hercules and that is Mulan. She has her moment of self-pity which is damn well understandable as she is stranded in a snow ridden valley and has been shamed for being a woman in the army. When she sees that the Huns have survived and things are bad she doesn’t curl in a ball to die in the snow. She gets off her arse and rides to the capitol to warn and fight against the enemy. Praise Mulan for female empowerment, not Elsa.

Now we come to Hercules. He is brought up in a peasant home in Greece but has his powers from the failed attempt of his murder by Hades, he may now be mortal but he retained his God-like strength. He is loved by his parents but is shunned by everyone around him. He is desperate to be like everyone else and to belong. However, the big thing is that he tries, he wants to play discus with the boys at the market even though they don’t trust him and his strength. He is also keen to help a man in the market struggling with an oversize amphora as he thinks his strength can help. He does it because he is a good person and eager for acceptance but unlike Elsa, he tries. He clearly has a reputation as an over eager clutz and group of boys either out-right reject him or are nervous around him due to his powers proving disastrous at times. Hercules knows this but he still tries to be accepted and most importantly to help.

Elsa doesn’t, she shuts herself away and won’t come out at all. I know we all have different experiences and Elsa is clearly depressed but I think it is wrong to outright reject Hercules’ struggles because he is a man and to commend Elsa as strong and empowered because she is a woman. It should be a goal that we try no matter what our gender is but if we are depressed then that is understandable regardless of gender. However, we shouldn’t laud Elsa’s depression as empowerment as that just shows that women have a right to be openly depressed but as Hercules is a macho man, according to some, then he should get up and deal with life which is extremely damaging as male depression is often ignored and not recognised until it is too late.

Anyway, we see Hercules destroy the market place because he tried to catch a discus due to his super strength. The town shun him and call him Jerkules. Hercules is clearly upset as he has been going through this his whole life but still desperately tries to be accepted. I’m sorry but I honestly feel more for Hercules as Elsa shuts herself away after one incident and I am meant to totally understand that but Hercules who honestly tries his best after constant rejection yet he is just an image of macho masculinity so cannot be compared to Elsa? No, I really don’t agree with that.

What I also find commendable about Hercules is that he finds out that night that his parents are in fact his adoptive parents and all he has to go on is a Zeus medallion. Does he sit and whine which would be understandable, no he is determined to find where he belongs and goes to the Temple of Zeus for answers. Hercules is a very proactive person considering all the rejection he has had in his life. Hercules learns the origins of his powers and is determined to join his parents in Mount Olympus, he doesn’t lie down with the massive task ahead but faces it head on as he wants to be where he feels like he belongs. I honestly found that far more empowering as I have been honest about my depression and Aspergers. I feel rejected so often due to my Aspegers as I get it is hard for people to like me and I’m like Marmite but at the same time I am not going to curl up in a damn ball and not try. I have to try and if I keep getting rejected then fine. I will live with it but at least I tried as I desperately want to find where I belong.

I loathe the argument that “Hercules” does not count as he is a macho masculine man. No, he is not. Hercules is sensitive and adores Meg for her sassy awesomeness, it is a genuine story. Anyway, it should not matter that I am comparing them as the gender should not matter here and Hercules cannot be accused of male privilege as he for most of his life was a peasant who was out-casted by his village whereas Elsa was a monarch with extraordinary privilege, wealth and influence. I find that appalling that Hercules’ experiences have been said to be pointless due to his gender as he has very similar experiences to Elsa but isn’t worshipped as an amazing role model when she is not.

What I find frustrating is the argument is that it is completely understandable for Elsa to abandon her people to anyone to sit in angst ball in her castle. I said this before and I will say it again: it is not understandable when you are a person with enormous privilege to abandon your people to God knows what because some people were mean to you. GROW UP! Look at Elizabeth I, how many derided her for being a woman of power in a patriarchal society. She ruled with strength and knew her country needed her strength and valour. Elsa just runs away as people are mean to her.

Hercules may have utilised the masculine trope of strength but he did it for good and to help people. However, he was willing to give it all up to save the woman he loved and cared for but even after he realised she betrayed him still ventured out to meet the Cyclops to save the people of Thebes and then Olympus. Hercules is a true hero as he never thought twice about sacrificing himself for Meg and the people which therefore proved himself a true hero. He showed that his strength did not make a hero but the strength of his heart. His heart was true to the core and he was selfless.

Elsa never has that realisation. She never returns to her kingdom for the good of others and as a sacrifice for the greater good. She does it because Hans forces her and then just does it because well, meh why not. I’m guessing because of the evils. She never has a moment when she realises that the need of the many is more important than her feelings. The people needed a stable monarchy after the death of their king at a young age. She will not accept responsibility and has power over those of who defy her. She needed to act like a true monarch and stand up for herself. She is a very weak individual. I honestly find it sad that she is worshiped as a strong female icon when she is in fact weak, which has nothing due to her gender, and lays there and whines. When I want female strength then I will turn to Mulan or Tiana not the Disney version of Bella Swan. If anything, I find it funny that so many people who love Elsa loathe Bella. They are the damn same if you take away Edward. They lay there and whine about their Goddamn Hole.

I understand this is a massive rant but it infuriates me when Elsa is lauded as a great feminine icon when she really isn’t. She just whines in isolation and could not care less about what happened to her sister. I will say it again but I completely disagree that Hercules can’t be used as a comparison as he is male. He may be defined by strength but he is very caring and compassionate but also most importantly selfless in the end. He goes through a character arc, he goes from rejection to peacock to selfless hero. He is very human and I think he is a role model due to who he is as his heart is what makes him a true hero, not his strength. Hercules shows that masculine heroes are not defined by their muscles but their emotions. This is very important in a society where men are told not to cry and show emotion yet Hercules shows that your heart and emotions are what is more important. I can’t think of a better role model than that. On that note for all those who feel down, depressed and/or worthless than I stand by that Hercules has the best words to ever give you:

Everyone can go the distance.

Louis Creed from ‘Pet Sematary’: The soil of a man’s heart is stonier, Louis


It’s been ages since I last posted but to be fair I have had a whole new university to navigate (the library is a scary fortress) and naturally to those that know me would not be surprised that I changed my course as I do this a lot. Enough excuses though! I have promised a discussion on Louis Creed from ‘Pet Sematary’ so here it is. Also it’s Halloween time so seems like the right time!

I wanted to do a whole post on Louis and his actions as he is a very complex man but we get the impression from the novel that Louis would fall prey to the Wendigo’s influence and was powerless to resist. Well, the novel also tells otherwise and Louis was the perfect prey for the Micmac Burial Ground and the Wendigo because of who he was. So in standard fare, I will go into this issue in excruciating detail. Hey – Ho! Let’s Go!

Louis’s Love of Secrets

This is a huge issue that leads to Louis’ and his family’s destruction. Louis loves to keep secrets and he feels validated when he is told:

“The soil of a man’s heart is stonier, Louis. A man grows what he can, and he tends it.”

He is basically believing that a man’s heart is harder to penetrate with love and emotion but also how tough his heart is. He believes that he is the keeper of many secrets such as Church, his night time stroll with Pascow and the deal his father in law made to him. However, in many instances he takes glee and pleasure from these secrets.

Let’s discuss the first in terms of importance and that is his stroll with Pascow after he is killed. Pascow takes Louis to the Pet Sematary and points to the Deadfall and warns him never to cross no matter how tempted he is to cross. Louis never remembers this even though he remembers the whole dream. If anything what gets Louis is that when he wakes up and finds his feet covered in dirt and thus realizing that he has been to the Sematary and it wasn’t a dream is not the shocking realization that a spirit has sought him out to warn him but his skills at covering it up. He bundles the sheets up and disposes of them and goes into the shower while laughing manically while he imagines committing murder and how he could get away with it due to his lying skills. He even scares Rachel in this scene due to his manic laughter.

His lying skills become even better after Church’s death and resurrection. Church takes up the hobby of killing with much gusto then he had ever done before but Louis makes sure that his family never see these kills. He even notes that on Christmas Eve when Church kills a huge crow and eats its eye in front of him that no one must ever see this as Church is his cat now. After all, what you buy is what you own and what you own comes home to you. Louis hates clearing up the kills but he does it anyway as he keeps his secrets buried inside and the worst one is what could have prevented the entire story from happening.

Louis’ relationship with his father in law; Irwin, is exceptionally tense. When Louis was a med school student, Irwin offered him his entire tuition fee up front if he stopped seeing Rachel, again which Louis refused. However, Louis never told this to Rachel so she just sees it as an awkward situation where her husband refuses to be friendly to her father. This attitude leads to the events and tragedy to come because:

If Louis Went to Chicago, Then Pet Sematary Would Never Happen
Yes, if Louis honestly had swallowed his pride then nothing would have ever happened. Think about it, Louis let his wife take two very young children on multiple flights to her parents on a family holiday alone because he couldn’t deal with her father. That is utterly selfish as his wife loves her parents and he should suck it up and deal with it for a few days for his wife’s sake. She is also agonizing how much Louis won’t tolerate them but she doesn’t know why because Louis won’t tell her. She just thinks Louis dislikes them but he should be there for her.

I don’t care what Irwin did as some in-laws are hellish but you try your best as you do it for your loved one. Louis didn’t which left him alone with Church, so he was prime meat for the Wendigo to influence Church across that mean road to his death. If Louis had just sucked up his man pride and go to Chicago, then Church would either have been left in a kennel or if he had been home and been hit then Jud would have just buried him in the safe burial ground as you bury your own in Micmac Burial Ground. Louis’ selfishness and pride started the events of ‘Pet Sematary”.

Louis Loves His Son More

This may sound harsh but in all honesty when reading the book multiple times that I truly think that if it was his daughter that had died then Louis would have left her dead. Louis clearly loves Gage more and that is why that Louis risks and loses everything by burying Gage in the Micmac Burial Ground. Most of the time when Louis talks about Ellie is in the negative, he talks about how she talks too much and how sometimes he just wants to smack her. He never once considers her when Gage dies but just thinks about himself.

Whereas with Gage, he constantly talks about how proud he is of him and how sad he is when after Gage’s first haircut he is shedding his blonde locks to reveal Rachel’s brown hair. When he speaks to his children on Thanksgiving he grows bored of Ellie’s “prattling” but enjoys talking to Gage. In the chapter before Gage’s death we have Louis describing his last perfect day which does not include his wife or daughter but only his son. He is relieved that his wife and daughter are away to not interrupt his last happy day. This does not signal a particularly good image on Louis and this may be why he does not comfort them and help them once Gage dies and leaves them to it.

We are even privy to Louis’ fantasies and the constant is the Disney World Orlando dream, he even fantasizes that he could leave his family by the road but this evolves to Louis just having Gage with him wearing mouse ears. It is more than obvious who Louis’ true affections are towards.

Louis loves Ellie but clearly loves Gage more and this is why the Wendigo targets Gage as chances are Louis would not have exhumed and buried Ellie in the Micmac Burial ground.

Louis’ Arrogance

Louis prides himself as a man of science and I don’t think it was any coincidence that King made Louis a doctor. I think this what the Wendigo preyed on but Louis’ arrogance was what caused the events to occur. Throughout the novel, Louis has lots of evidence that the burial ground is sour and evil but he ignores as he thinks he knows better. He even tries to rationalize it when he thought Gage had water on the brain which causes disabilities that he would love him no matter what even he was (I’m sorry but I am quoting) a “retard”. I hate that fucking word as I’m autistic but it was the 80s so I shall forgive. Louis refuses to acknowledge the story of Timmy Baterman as he is a doctor and knows better than these small town yokels. He constantly talks about how he doesn’t believe in souls as he never felt one even though Victor Pascow appears in his room to warn him like Ebenezer Scrooge but like Scrooge he blames it on other things, maybe a bad piece of food. We know it’s not the case but Louis refuses to acknowledge it, unlike Scrooge in the end. He convinces himself that Gage will be fine which is the influence of the Wendigo but also his pride and arrogance. Louis believes as a doctor he is far more intelligent and worldly so therefore refuses to listen to Jud as he is just a small town man even though he has seen it occur.

Final Thoughts

I find Louis a fascinating character as we see both the influence of the supernatural but also the repercussions of a man’s pride and arrogance. The Wendigo preyed on Louis specifically and I think that is due to the type of man he is and his attitudes. He was prime meat for the Wendigo and he succumbed which lead to the destruction of his entire life and family.

Next time, I will be looking at Frozen again as I have had a few debates with people about why I loathe the film and I thought it best to put down my argument. I will be looking at comparing Elsa with Hercules specifically. Then I must find something else, tempted to review the film ‘IT’ even though it been out for ages but I am rather slow with the it (pahaha I’m hilarious!) thing.