‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 16 “More History Fail, Shitting on Nurses and Pyschosis. Fun Times!”

When we last felt off we saw how allergic Meyer is to research. We have similar crap in this chapter but we are so close to the finish so that is a reason to celebrate. Off we go!

First off is to discuss is the name Carine. What is frustrating though is that I can’t find anything about this name except that it is French origin. I must admit that I doubt a Church of England vicar (I refuses to use pastor) who lived during some of the most heated religious persecution era’s would choose an obviously French name when England and France have been at each other’s throats for decades and France was a Catholic country at this point. I think Meyer picked it as she thinks France is the land of class and she thinks her vampires are classiest things to walk this earth. I just don’t think it fits, it may mean pure and kind which Meyer would want for Lady Carlisle as she thinks he/she are those things but it just doesn’t fit for the era. She should have gone for Catherine as that begins with a C but is a very common name for those times, after all Henry VIII had three wives named Catherine/Katherine.

Anyway, they walk into her office and ask Carine if she can carry on her dramatic tale of stupid. Edythe manhandles Beau around the room for some strange reason and they stare at some paintings. Carine has no time for story time or character building as she just tells Edythe to tell her personal story as she needs to go to the hospital. I still have no idea why Carine doesn’t have a London accent as they are stuck in a sense so surely she is just putting on the American accent. Oh, I don’t even know why I try and make sense of this crap.

Beau whines that they are speaking at a normal volume just for him as his human’s ears suck. They then carry on with our little story and Edythe has to go on how awesome Carine is as she after two centuries has become immune to human blood. It’s the same story of how Carine tried to kill herself but she couldn’t as she is an awesome vampire. Edythe irritates me by saying how difficult it is to resist blood as a new-born which is going to piss me off later.

Edythe destroys the whole science and nature argument again by saying there are few ways that can kill a vampire. I know, it is still annoying as nature doesn’t not create super charged beasts that can’t be killed or defeated by its prey. Everything has its weaknesses, I’m still convinced that I could take one of these things out with a flame thrower. Anyway, Carine ate some deer, swam to France blah blah blah, we know all of this and it’s copy and pasted.

Beau has the same shock as Bella did that they don’t need to breathe, well of course they don’t as they are reanimated corpses, duh! Carine gets to Italy where she meets the Volturi and when I first read this I was confused as the names are: Sulpicia, Marcus and Athendora. I was confused as the two female names are Aro’s and Cauis’ wives’ names. It becomes clear soon and it is stupid and completely unnecessary but we will come to that later.

Just in case I am confused about who is the good vampire is then the painter helped me out as Carine is wearing white. Thanks for that! Then I got confused again as Edythe points out this other girl who is called Mele and is Sulpicia’s little thief and is a servant. Well, that’s new. What is stupid though is that when Beau asks what happened to them, Edythe for some reason just says they are still there and they tried to convince Carine to eat people. Now what is odd is that Edythe does know their history and it seems bizarre that she doesn’t explain it here but explains later in the most badly timed info dump. It’s on the same level of randomness as when Bella sat and pondered about the vampire babies the night before her wedding as some sort of strange and stupid foreshadowing for the rest of the book but didn’t fit as why would she think about death babies the night before her wedding.

We then have Carine wandering off to America and she began working as a nurse. I know Meyer is trying to fit Carine with the times by having her as a nurse but well she didn’t have to be. Elizabeth Blackwell became the first female doctor in 1847 and if Carine is as amazing as they say then I can’t see why she wasn’t able to became a doctor too. Edythe even says she exceeded the skills of all surgeons but due to being a woman then she couldn’t be a doctor. There are a few issues here:

• Again, why?! There is a pretty impressive list that shows women doctors from 1847 after Blackwell in the USA. That took me three minutes to find so it isn’t hard.

• Why surgeons? That seems odd to me as surgery was still in its infancy before antibiotics, anaesthesia and sterilisation so why compare to them for this time.

• Also how on earth did she exceed the skills of surgeons if she wasn’t able to train as a doctor? Where on earth did she get the cadavers to practise on if she wasn’t studying with them? I am now convinced that Carine broke into cemeteries at night and stole freshly buried corpses to play with. Great, just what we needed. More horrible implications.

• SCREW YOU! Nurses are the backbone of medicine and so under appreciated. They learn anatomy and physiology just like doctors and learn all about diseases and treatments. Many times it is the nurse that will save your life as they spend more time with patients than doctors and can spot misdiagnoses as the doctor may spend ten minutes with a patient but nurses are there far more. They are not there to just wash patients and hold their hands. They train damn hard to become a nurse and people choose to be nurses not because they aren’t smart enough to be a doctor. I hate that attitude so much as my Mum is a nurse and an amazing one at that. So I will say it again: FUCK YOU!

Then Edythe has to shit on human doctors by saying she did what she could to save people from the doctors, well less able ones. Guess what, I have already said this but will say it again: most nurses do that! Nurses are a patient’s biggest advocate as they know them so it’s nothing special for Carine to do that. It is just such a disgusting implication that nurses are not good enough and are lowly morons who only wipe bums all day. I can almost hear Meyer saying to a nurse who was trying to give her advice “Pah, you’re just a nurse”.

After that awful crap, we now have Edythe telling us again how she was changed. We now have Edythe telling Beau how she went off to ‘experiment’ *sniggers*. I must admit it does enrage me with how she describes her murderous spree:

“I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence – about ten years after I was … born … created, whatever created you want to call it.”

It is not rebellious it is fucking murder! How is this so hard to comprehend?! I hate Meyer trying to sanitise her vampires to the point that they are just Gods who drink blood. No, they are murdering scum and no amounts of flowery and sanitising language will make it different. If anything it makes them worse as they clearly aren’t repentant as they refuse to acknowledge what they have done.

Beau proves that he is meant to be a vampire as he has no issues with that and thinks Edythe murdering hundreds of people is reasonable. Beau is a psychopath, there is no other explanation. At least pretend to be shocked and repulsed! He just doesn’t care that hundreds of people died horrendous deaths because Edythe was being a brat. Also, it is not teenage rebellion, that would be getting a piercing that your parents forbade you to get or drinking value branded vodka in the park. This is just murder, pure and simple.

There is no point screaming at Meyer to have changed this as she agrees with Beau/Bella. She thinks that vampires have every right to kill people as we are beneath her abominations. If you want to be horrified, then I suggest you read this link:

http://www.twilightlexicon.com/2007/05/20/personal-correspondence-12/

Well, Edythe finds this hilarious! She also justifies it by saying she went for would be murderers and rapists but no it doesn’t as Edythe has no right to be judge, jury and executioner. What if that person had a mental illness and wouldn’t have committed the thoughts they had as Edythe only reads surface thoughts. How does she know unless they are wandering around thinking: “Hmm, I’m in the mood for some murdering today.” You just don’t know but even if they were evil then why does Edythe think she has any right to just murder them. Also, she is just using that to excuse her awful behaviour.

Edythe decides that her red eyes made her sad so she went back to Carine and Earnest and they welcomed her back with no discussion of the mass murder she committed. These people are the worst parents ever! Surely they should have condemned her for her actions or something?!? Especially as we always hear about how much they respect human life. Well clearly not. It is obvious in these books that Meyer hates boundaries and rules so wrote the perfect parents who inflict none of that on their spawn. Parents don’t scold and have boundaries just to be downers but so they don’t raise tyrants.

They promptly forget Edythe’s murder sprees to satisfy her own appetite by looking at her room. They look at her CDs and Edythe is deliriously happy as she likes that she has found a fellow psychopath to love. Beau tells her that she isn’t that scary. I can assure you that she is as she is deranged. Edythe sees this as a challenge as she loves the idea of fear, it gets her off. She growls at him. Ooo scwary!! I don’t find the idea of a small teenager growling at me that scary.

She then proceeds to tackle him and purr for some strange reason. I didn’t know that Edythe was a cat too. Beau says that she is a terrifying monster which pleases Edythe as she a sick woman with murder fetishes. Then he says he loves her because I think Meyer realised that Bella and Edward barely said it to each other so is cramming it in. Archie and Jessamine storm in and Archie feels the need to make this tasteless joke:

“It sounded like you were having Beau for lunch,” Archie said, “and we came to see if you would share.”

HAHAHA MURDER IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!! LAUGH.

Grumpy Cat

NO!

The thing is though, is that they could have been deadly serious as they know Edythe is struggling with bloodlust for Beau. Also, if they were at serious then consider that no one has bothered to come and help Beau and to try and save his life, even Earnest with his apparent love for all things didn’t bother even though he probably heard this growling and pouncing crap. They just didn’t care! I can really see how much they want to protect humanity.

OK, let’s say they know it was just playing then that is still a tasteless joke as Beau knows the situation and with a psycho like Jessamine hanging around then it just makes it worse. These people are horrible.

We end the chapter with Archie inviting Edythe and Beau to play baseball later on and with that we are done. Wow, this was relatively short.

Next time we don’t see vampire baseball as Beau can’t see it due to his sucky eyes and the climax wanders in drunk and throws up cheap vodka on my shoes. Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 15 “The Historical Research is as Successful as Charles I’s Reign”

Last chapter consisted of just talking and it was dull and horrifying which is actually pretty impressive. This time we get to meet the Cullens officially and as Meyer thinks everything she wrote with them is perfect then I suspect a lot of copy and pasting but as we have learnt by now that doesn’t mean there will be nothing stupid and/or horrifying.

Beau wakes up and Edythe has to tell him how awesome he is as his hair is perfect. She says all this in his rocking chair which creeps me out. I can just imagine her breathing heavily while rubbing her thighs when she watches him sleep while sinisterly rocking in that chair slowly. *Shudder* Considering everything she writes is unicorns and rainbows as nothing bad happens to these people she has a unique ability to scare the crap out of me with her creepy and psychotic characters.

Beau for some strange reason sinks to his knees to stroke Edythe’s face. I swear to God; this man is so close to sacrificing a chicken in honour of this woman. Edythe mentions that Charlie has already left as God forbid they are inconvenienced in any way. Beau then utters this utterly bizarre line:

“He’d be gone all day. So it was just me and Edythe, in an empty house, with no need to go anywhere. So much time. I felt like some crazy old miser, gloating over his piles of gold coins, only instead of coins, it was seconds that I hoarded.”

First image I got was this:

scrooge_mcduck-e1334907919275

That is such a bizarre statement to make over time and even though it says the gold represents time I am still convinced he means Edythe as well. Ownership is love, yo! Also, he is clearly thinking with his pecker. You know he is after their talk last night.

Beau is all devastated that Edythe left for ten minutes to change while he was asleep as he is a clingy piss-ant. Edythe then gets all doe eyed as Beau said he loved her in between his snores and drooling. I went into this last chapter so no point again but people don’t say this shit in their sleep. They then just stare at each other and say how much they love each other and how they are each other’s lives now as hobbies, friends and family are null and void when it comes to love. I will never understand this attitude. When I love someone romantically I don’t want to see their face all the time as familiarity breeds contempt, I guess it’s because I don’t have a Twu Wuv. Oh Noes! Na, I still don’t care as that would drive me bat shit crazy. Next up is more humanity bashing as Beau’s stomach rumbles:

“Humanity is so overrated”

Why?! Because you need to feed? That is just stupid and I hate your whining.

WAHHHH!!! 69

Wow, haven’t seen him complain in a while. I think it’s because he has been too busy staring at Edythe to whine as his brain can’t do two things at once. Beau acts like a tit and pretends to grab his throat and Edythe just glares at him as she hates whimsy. Beau goes off to get changed and then promptly creeps me out again:

“I did think to grab a pullover, so she wouldn’t worry about me getting cold.”

I know it sounds innocent but with all the stuff of Edward and Edythe treating them like children then it just creeps me out to no end. Beau enters the kitchen and asks Edythe what she will be making for him even though she says food smells rank to her now and well it is his damn kitchen. Make it yourself, you swine!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 66

Beau starts eating his cereal like a savage and Beau asks Edythe what she would like to do today. She does say she has an idea if he is up for it but Beau as he is a mindless golem due to love says he will like it no matter what. Anyway, Edythe asks if he would like to meet her family today. Beau starts choking and once he is OK, Edythe feels the need to scold him as it made her nervous. SHUT UP!! People don’t choke on purpose, you stupid chicken.

Beau ponders this for a while and for some stupid reason Edythe gets off on the fact that she thinks she has finally scared him. Why on earth does she want to scare him? It is not because she wants him to leave as she will just stalk him anyway. Then for some strange reason Beau thinks there will be a fight between Royal and Edythe, this is just destroying the statements that the Cullens are such a loving family. They clearly only tolerate each other for survival.

Edythe mentions that Archie has already seen that they may pop over and for some reason this makes Beau go all coy like a Bennett sister. He is worried about what Archie may have seen last night. WHY!?! YOU DID NOTHING!?! He makes it sound like that they shagged on the floor for hours on end. All they did was cuddle, well kind of. Beau has the maturity of a seven-year-old.

Once, again Meyer does not think about what she is writing as she makes a tasteless joke about how the Cullens were taking bets on whether Edythe would kill him. How is that funny?! It’s murder and would affect many people but all they think about is taking bets as it hilarious. These people are psychotic and if this was a horror story then kudos to the author but I am meant to aspire to be one of these awful things. I still have no idea why they drink animal blood as they clearly don’t give a flying shit about human lives. You could argue that they were always like this, even as humans but we know they weren’t from the guide. In the guide they are all fairly decent people who met horrific ends but none of them show any inkling to this level of sociopathy. The venom clearly warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic monster who doesn’t care about murder and actively finds it funny. It has nothing to do with them being a top predator as I think most of us find animal cruelty sickening and would not find it funny. Those who do find animal cruelty funny are usually those who are sociopathic and psychotic. So them being a predator is no excuse, they are just horrible people.

Beau agrees to go to their house which shows how stupid he considering he knows that these people don’t care about whether he lives or dies. Edythe then demands that Beau introduces her to Charlie as his girlfriend. Beau has decided that he hasn’t been pathetic enough so whines that girlfriend doesn’t sound enough to describe their epic love that is better than yours! It’s been a few days, Beau. Calm the fuck down.

They then go on about how they want to be together forever and ever as their love is just so great. Well, Beau says that and Edythe looks bummed out which makes me think that Beau has definitely decided that he wants to be a vampire as mortality is an issue here when it comes to forever, especially when one is immortal.

Next Edythe grabs his face and lightly touched her cold dead lips to his which I am sure makes all of Beau’s blood flood into his penis as he then faints. He explains that he forgot to breathe, no one forgets to breathe you moron. This was stupid in the original and it is stupid here but can’t slam it as it is not a mistake but because Meyer loves this scene as she herself is a moron.

They then drive to a Casa de Cullen and it is still the great stone Georgian style monstrosity that it was before. How on earth was this able to be built in a National and therefore government owned forest? It’s like that stupid arse stone cottage which shouldn’t exist in ‘Breaking Dawn’, these are just giant pimples in a National Forest. They go on and Meyer fails again by implying that this awful thing is old as it has had renovations such as a massive window taking over one side of the house. There is no way an old mansion would just be plonked in a forest, especially as the land would have been inhabited by loggers who built with wood. Old mansions are in inhabited places like towns so the rich can show off how much money they have. But let’s say for arguments sake that is was for reasons then what the hell is Earnest doing!?! Just like Esme, he has no taste and loves destroying historic buildings. I just hope to God; they don’t go to Rome as he would probably paint over the Sistine Chapel with a nice Egyptian Cotton matt paint.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 30

They spot Carine and Earnest but we also need to be reminded that the Cullens have money and no concept of colour as Beau observes a huge white grand piano. Moving on! Beau gets a boner for Edythe’s mum which is creepy and observes how kind Earnest looks. I am sure he is as much of a doormat as Esme was who does nothing but hums and cuddles her babies after they brutally murdered someone.

They take forever to say hello and Beau says how he feels part of the family within two seconds, he is clearly plotting it. Archie then squees with delight and shouts out “Edy!” which is an odd nickname for Edythe due to the length of her name and the syllables. Edward maybe be two but Edy does sound like a nickname whereas it just sounds weird here.

Archie still comes across as much of a twee little twit that Alice was, so Meyer needs to man it up by giving Beau a one armed bro-hug. She really says that, and I am sure they made sure that their testicles aren’t touching as that would mean they are gay now. Meyer loves to use the term bro whenever there is any sort of male closeness as if she is terrified that they will seem effeminate and therefore gay. Men can hug other men, it’s not weird and it is normal but adding the word “bro” just sounds like Beau is trying to protect his fragile masculinity. Once again it’s like the insane products you see like MAN HAND SOAP FOR MEN!! GRRR MEN!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 67

Beau is shocked to think that Archie already likes him, it is because he is a slave to his visions and saw you as friends so BAM you are now. That’s because relationship building is hard work and Meyer doesn’t have time for that. Archie tells Beau that he smells yummy as we must bow to the awesome of Beau! Also, that is so inappropriate as Beau doesn’t know who made the bets for his death and he knows his smell made Edythe almost eat him. Not funny!!

Jessamine decides to lit up a magical spliff as Beau now feels all serene and relaxed. That gift is creepy. She then just stares at him and says hello which Beau wanks over as everyone is so welcoming. They are just saying hello, calm down. Edythe and Carine stare dramatically at each other so Beau decides that it has been a while since he has slated his mother:

“I was going to buy a grand piano for my mother. She wasn’t really good.”

Why was that even unnecessary? They then marvel over Edythe’s awesome and Daddy Earnest creeps me out as much as Mummy Esme by chiding someone older than him for showing off but still glows with pride. It creeps me out it seems with Esme that she is so obsessed with babies and children that she is incapable of not wrapping up her adult surrogate vampires with blankets and singing at them.

Well, Edythe starts playing and everyone marvels over her awesome as she is the greatest piano player that ever played. I just can’t get excited as these people are always too good so the surprise is completely gone. Edythe then plays Beau’s lullaby and I am creeped out again as lullabies are for babies and small children, not lovers. Blergh! This whole chapter is creeping me out.

Meyer decides that the introductions were enough character building for one day so all the Cullens disappear to give them privacy. That is stupid as surely they want to get to know the guy that could put their entire family in danger but also to see if the guy their favourite child (she so is) is dating is good enough for her. Edythe blathers on about how Earnest loves him which again is stupid as they exchanged a few sentences together which was nothing more than polite conversation.

Even though everyone bows down and worships Beau, he still has to whine because Royal is the only one who won’t. I don’t know why he cares so much. Edythe explains that he is jealous as he wants to be human.

WAHHHH!!! 70

Then we get this stupidity as to why Earnest thinks Beau is the greatest:

“Earnest probably wouldn’t care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time he’s been worrying about me, afraid I was too young when Carine changed me, that there was something missing from my essential makeup.”

You hear that everyone! If you don’t find your true love immediately or have no interest in romance, then there is something wrong with you. It’s not your choice to not pursue that, it is actually because there is something missing from your brain. How lovely! I wonder how Earnest would feel if Edythe came home with McKayla instead? Probably burst into flames.

I am so slamming it with a sexist point as it’s now worse as it’s Edythe as so many women get this attitude as they get older. Think about it women who never marry get slammed with the term spinster which is unflattering and usually makes people think of Miss Havisham. Whereas men carry the label of bachelor which has none of those bad connotations of an unloved shrew who will die alone and be eaten by her thousands of cats as they are the only ones who loved her.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 68

Meyer decides to hint at the climax but it doesn’t come across as subtle, it comes across as:

ARCHIE SAID MAN EATING VAMPIRES ARE AROUND BUT WE WON’T SEE THEM, NOPE, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM EVER AS THEY WILL GO ELSEWHERE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

ducky

Yeah, they so won’t meet these people eating vampires at the end of the day. It makes it even more stupid now as we know the plot. Edythe explains that Carine will ask them to hunt elsewhere due to their reputation, nothing about the blatant murder of human beings. These people are awful.

They stroll around the house and Beau spots a huge cross on the wall decides that because it looks old means it must be valuable. Just like Bella, Beau only sees the price tag rather than the historical significance as he is a classless bore.

We will now enter historical fail time!

Edythe explains that it was Carine’s father’s cross and that she was born in 1640 in London. She comments that it could have been another date as the peasant folk didn’t have a sense of time. Well, actually you would find that they did as the Gregorian calendar was in full use by the 1500s.

I get the impression that Meyer, due to and no offense to any Americans out there but due to Meyer’s stupidity probably just thinks Oh! that’s old as taught American history is a lot shorter than Europe’s due to people ignoring the Native Americans. I think Meyer thinks that the 1640s is like super old and therefore confuses the Stuart period with Medieval which it is not by any means. There are arguments about when the Early Modern Era starts, some historians say 1492 with the discovery of the Americas or 1533 with the dissolution of the Catholic church under Henry VIII. The Stuart era was hardly Medieval due to the advances in science, understanding and the experiences of becoming more global by conquering people.

She says that he was an Anglican Pastor but he would be far more likely to have been known as Protestant Vicar so once again this is a history fail. He believed in witches, vampires and werewolves and went out on little hunting parties. Edythe states that a lot of innocent people were burnt at the stake (no shit).

Well once again, Meyer fails her history as yes, witch persecutions were still going on but in England, however, this was dying out by 1663 when Carine was turned but when they did execute those accused then they preferred to hang them first. Burning witches in the 1600s was wide spread in German speaking countries and Scotland but not in England. So, we have another fail.

But it’s not just witches! There are also vampires but once again, vampire myth wasn’t a huge thing in England. Most of the myths for vampires in that era were from Eastern Europe. The vampire myth was very common there but not so much in England. The vampire myth became popular in the late 1700s when Gothic literature emerged. Witches were the big deal in the Stuart Era for persecution which again was already dying out. I think she is using her American centric history here as witch persecutions did continue for longer when we in England were pretty much over it. I guess we could say that her father was just a lunatic who continued to believe but I call fail.

Carine believed in science apparently which I find odd as she shouldn’t have been taught this if she was a vicar’s daughter. She was not of the higher classes where they were educated but in languages rather than science. She should not have this knowledge or understanding as it’s not like she could just walk into a newsagents and subscribe to National Geographic. She wanted him to look at true evidence but what true evidence? Where on earth would she learn what the true evidence is? Maybe, to look at the reasons why these people couldn’t be witches but she would have been raised with these superstitions and to most they were more than that. They were fact and widely believed. Her father clearly believed it and scoffed at her science knowledge so where on earth did she learn the sciences?! I know it is Meyer trying to make Carine look more awesome but it doesn’t as it just doesn’t make any sense.

Carine’s father finds some vampires in the mythical sewers of Stuart London. Also, why would they live in these mythical sewers? These are super-charged Meyer Vampires, why are they hiding away from humans that they can easily kill and living like rats. Edythe feels the need to stamp on humanity by commenting that as if these vampires would flee in fear from pathetic humans who have pathetic weapons. Well then, why are living like rats in a mythical sewer?! However, Carine was at home so how would she know that they waited at one end with weapons and tried to smoke them out. She would have no idea that they fled as when he got home, they were confronted by a vampire. It’s not described like that as this is:

STORY TIME!

She is holding my hand through this and it’s annoying. There are so many dramatic pauses and so many: “oooo who could it be in the house.” Edythe has to pause Carine’s terror as even though the guy was dressed as a beggar he was pretty. Thanks for that, we really needed to pause this dramatic tale of drama to remind us that vampires are pretty.

This vampire speaks Latin as he is better than humans but what do you know! Carine speaks Latin too, which again is unusual as there are two types of Latin: Roman and Medieval (specifically church). Medieval Latin which is primarily used for scholarship learning of the church and is rarely spoken. For another dose of fail, Medieval Latin was used in the Catholic Church which is a huge no no in Protestant England. It would seem very unlikely that a Protestant vicar would teach his daughter this, it also would be unlikely he would know it well. He would have had the King James version of the Bible which was published in 1611 and was translated into English. I would say we are in 1663 now as Carlisle so therefore Carine turned at age 23. So Let’s be generous due to life expectancy and say that her father is fifty years old even then he would have been born two years after the King James Bible was published. He would have no reason to learn Latin for Biblical study as he has his new shiny Bible. So let’s go for Roman Latin, Carine would have absolutely no reason or the means to learn this and where would she learn it? This is just Meyer wanking over how refined her vampires and Carine are.

Then we get all Soap Opera with Carine’s Dad throwing himself on the vampire. They talk as if they are in a day time soap opera with the vampire declaring:

“Go to hell knowing this – that what you love will become all you hate.”

Do you want some cheese with that ham?

I almost expected him to start laughing while twirling his moustache. He then bites Carine and tortures the vicar while she watches and it’s all very dramatic. Funny how Carine remembers all this but Edythe who is much younger remembers fuck all.

Anyway! That is the end of that awful chapter. Next time is Edythe and Beau talking some more which is always thrilling but at least the climax is inching closer.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 14 “Abuse, Murder and Vampire Sex! Oh My! ”

I have been lagging with this recently, we have had a huge heatwave so I have been making the most of the sun and reading ‘The Lord of the Rings’ as it’s set reading for my masters. Also I have been avoiding this, as well, look at it! The meadow was infuriating and this chapter is just weird and stupid. Also it is just pure filler but we are getting close to the end and I really need to finish this by September. Off we go!

We start straight off the previous chapter and Edythe is driving Beau home. Edythe feels the need be a Negative Nancy as she can’t just say she likes fifties music but has to shit on the sixties, seventies and eighties. They aren’t just one category, there are very broad genres in each decade so I think she is just being a snot. She likes Classical music as she is more refined and therefore better than you humans who enjoyed the Jackson Five or the Beatles. Oh, Beau and therefore Meyer wanks over how perfect her voice is.

Beau asks her how old she is and she looks dramatically at the sunset and tells us her life story in which she died in 1918 from Spanish Flu. She says she doesn’t remember it well which when this was ‘Twilight’ then that was fine and understandable as it had been a long time. Now though, nope it doesn’t stick since ‘Breaking Dawn’ and the guide have been published. Bella explicitly states after she is turned that she made a conscious effort to remember her human life with Edward (fuck friends and family) and boasts how it took her less than a second to cement those memories in her brain forever as she has a super vampire brain now. So this now looks callous and awful of Edythe rather than understandable. She clearly chose to forget her parents, especially her mother who begged Carine to save her daughter’s life by any means necessary. The mother who lavished Edythe with love and attention which looks even worse considering ‘Breaking Dawn’ is a giant ode to motherhood. Edythe chose to leave her mother behind in the muddy memories of humanity rather than keep her permanently in her mind and memories. It’s almost like Edythe saw that she was now an awesome vampire and had entered a higher existence so chose to forget the lowly past of humanity which means goodbye parents. I know Meyer probably did not think about this as she doesn’t think at all about implications of what she writes but this just makes Edythe look even more awful due to lazy writing.

She notes that she remembers the transformation which makes sense and wanks over how amazing Carine is for being able to bite Edythe. Once again, ‘Breaking Dawn’ ruined this amazing skill considering all Edward did was dribble into a syringe and inject Bella. This just makes Carine look like a goddamn moron now, especially as she is a damn doctor so has access to syringes. It’s amazing how much cannon that book destroyed.

We have the same crap of how Carine was lonely so bit Edythe for her own selfish needs especially as I am sure Edythe believes she has no soul too and is damned. We now have the name of Man Esme which is Earnest. I have no complaints there as that fits the time period. Carine will be discussed later. They then run through the rest of the Cullens and we have an added line which when used for Rosalie is just sick and that’s about how she was turned after being gang raped to death and presented as a concubine to Edward. That is beyond sick but we must look at it from the view of Royal now who had a different attack. Trust me, it is so beyond idiotic and when I asked my Dad for historical advice he just boggled at the stupidity but we can’t discuss it here as it comes later but there will be so many words!

Then she comments on Eleanor’s transformation and how she was mauled by a bear. Our insightful and intelligent protagonists asks if she made it.

NAW!! YOU THINK!!!

Fucking moron.

Then she wanks over the awesome of Archie and Jessamine about how they developed a conscience. Well, no as the other books kind of destroy that. Yes, Jasper was bummed out due to the death screams of the people he brutally murdered but it was Alice that forced him into this lifestyle as he wants her to put out. He has thought many times about how he would go back to eating people and how he wanted to do that just give them the tiniest power boost for the new born army battle. Jasper is only an animal eater to make Alice happy, I am certain he would change his mind if she did. So I am certain that Jessamine is exactly the same.

Then we have Alice who is a total slave to her visions. She had almighty tantrums in ‘Midnight Sun’ as she saw Bella as a vampire or dead and she had to have her way as she doesn’t like to be wrong about her visions. Alice woke up and saw her future with the Cullens and their diet with Jasper so she went with that outcome as she hates to be wrong. I’m sure that if she woke up and saw herself slaughtering the population of Manhattan then she would do it. It’s nothing about a conscience but proving her visions are correct as she is a brat and wants her way. She would completely change her mind if she saw her and Jasper frolicking through a field of corpses that she and Jasper had murdered. Archie is exactly the same. These statements now fail because we have seen these atrocious people for 4.5 books now.

Edythe then explains how Archie can see the future and it’s the same crap as the original. She then talks about how people eating vampires are nomads whereas they can settle in one place and interact with humans. Well, they barely interact with humans as they view them as beneath them and they only settle for four to five years at a time so they are nomads but just have a house and sofa instead.

They discuss walking around in the day due to sparkles and Beau thinks that this is where the myth comes from in terms of why they can’t be in the sun. Edythe agrees which is now stupid as she knows exactly where that myth is from and that’s the Volturi as they spread false myths around so real vampires aren’t easily detected. How, I know that she knows this? She explicitly tells Beau this later on in the book! Editing and consistency are friends! USE THEM!

They then marvel over how awesome Archie is for not being a savage people eater. Beau invites Edythe in to his home and manages to shit on his dad and wank over Edythe:

“I couldn’t picture it, a goddess sitting in my dad’s shabby kitchen chair.”

Oh barf! That is vile and stop being an arsehole to your Dad. Edythe starts rooting around his cupboards which is damn rude, Beau ponders this as it’s like she has been here before.

SHE IS STALKING YOU!! HOW IS THIS NOT PENETRATING YOUR THICK SKULL!!!

Beau starts eating scorching lasagne and asks an interesting question about whether or not Edythe misses food. I think that is fair as when you think of it Edythe just drinks blood to survive, not even yummy people blood but unappealing animal blood. She drinks it for need and not enjoyment. She no longer has the joy of having different flavours and textures anymore or the pleasure of eating an elaborate meal for a special occasion and she will never have the fun of trying something new and loving it. This would be a genuine downside of vampirism as you no longer have the creativity of food anymore but are just drinking to live.

PAHAHA!!! Did any of us really think there would be a downfall to vampirism? Yeah right:

“She shook her head. “I hardly remember food. I couldn’t even tell you what my favourites were. It doesn’t smell… edible now.””

So she clearly chose to forget all of her human life, if she had a traumatic one then fine but she was a pampered little princess so no. She decided it wasn’t worth remembering and didn’t. That second line could have been a really interesting topic, she could smell something that she used to love but it no longer smells edible which is a small but stark reminder of everything she lost when she turned.

Nope, she just forgot as there can be no downsides to becoming an abomination. Beau even asks her if there is anything she misses about being human. Remember, this all new so Meyer isn’t just changing pronouns and she is still forgetting or ignoring what she set up about vampirism. It’s sloppy! Edythe says no as she doesn’t remember anything, I have already ranted but this here just makes Edythe look awful as she couldn’t be bothered to take a whole second to remember her family and Meyer look stupid. Carine remembers her life!! Time is no damn excuse as Carine is much older, the is just proof that Edythe is a deplorable person.

Edythe says there is one downside to vampirism and that’s not sleeping. I’m sure that will be temporary as I think we know Beau will become a vampire so we know thanks to Bella and Edward that they will spend all night banging away like horny rats which they will think is better than sleep. Beau asks her what her nightly routine is and she confesses that she stares at him while he sleeps.

IMG_0303

(That’s my cat who loves to stare at my dog while she sleeps)

Beau is horrified for all the wrong reasons, like Bella is as Oh Noes! He may have said something embarrassing in his sleep.

Twilight

He really needs to sort out his priorities.

Anyway, apparently he goes on about how he misses his mother (doubtful) and how much he loves Edythe. People don’t say this shit when they sleep talk. I sleep talk a lot and the nonsense that comes out my mouth such as declaring that Rudolph is actually a rabbit and how I had 10,000 pork steaks in a sack. People usually talk utter crap in their sleep and I know it’s not just me. My man partner woke me up one night by going on about this great red tower, as I was now awake I wanted to know more and asked him about it. The bastard just whispered that it was a secret and started snoring. I wanted to know!!

Charlie comes home and Beau basically calls him a shabby pig as he blends in well with his crappy furniture. What an arsehole. Charlie for some strange reason becomes fascinated with the idea of Beau’s love life and suggests he dates McKayla and then goes on about dating other girls. It was completely out of nowhere but it was all for Beau to mentally wank over how he has the most perfect girl so why would he settle for this lowly human girls. Beau has taste, bitches.

Beau decides to act as suspicious as possible as he yawns loudly and declares he is off to bed and drags his feet as slowly as possible. He comments that his Dad looks dejected over the fact that his son can’t stand to be in the same room as him but Beau doesn’t give a flying shit and leaves anyway.

Beau wanders into his room and spots Edythe there; he is so shocked that his heart hurts. Errm… why? He knows she has been staring at him all night for months. Instead of saying he needs a few minutes, Beau for some strange reason says he needs a human minute so he can get changed and washed. I’m sure vampires wash too, especially if they are wrestling terrified animals in the dirt all the time, I doubt they stay magically clean when covered in mud and blood.

Shockingly enough, while Beau is changing he comments on his shirt he wears to bed which is from a BBQ place he liked in Phoenix. It’s not much but it is more personality than Bella. He hand-waves his outfit as Edythe knows what he wears from her frequent stalking. He is so blasé about this! I would be horrified but I don’t see the point of harping on about this as it has been discussed to death. We know it’s creepy and disturbing so there isn’t much else I can add.

Charlie bumps into Beau on the landing and once again Beau acts suspiciously by exclaiming loudly that he is so going to bed. I think this is to show what a bad liar he is but this is the only instance as he lies all the time and gets away with it.

Edythe for some strange reason has to pick on his shirt which is a pig smiling in between two buns and asking if the pig should look so happy to be food. Well, I don’t know Edythe, how about you ask Bambi the next time you slaughter a deer with your bare hands.

Edythe then snuggles up to Beau and for some reason all her bloodlust over his blood has gone. As we know it’s because she decided she would just think herself out of her blood lust. Yes, with addiction your mind has to be ready to give up your vice but it’s not exactly that easy. You don’t think yourself over it and suddenly you are. If that was true, then we wouldn’t have so many relapsed heroin users. This just shows how sheltered Meyer is as she has no idea what true addiction is like, you don’t have to experience it yourself to see it but she is stupid. Meyer has explicitly said that human blood is an addiction, that is not something you just get over because you feel like it otherwise we wouldn’t have drug, alcohol, nicotine and caffeine addicts. Edythe hand waves murder by saying she has decided not to now as that’s how addiction works. Well isn’t that lovely, so it’s not insane blood lust but deciding. I hate this book. Beau says that is sounds easy but Edythe tells him that is so not easy even though what she just said completely contradicts that.

Next Edythe wraps Beau in a full body blanket condom as skin touching is a no no when you are not married which we learnt in ‘Eclipse’ and ‘Breaking Dawn’. Edythe then bangs on about how powerful the emotion of jealousy is and how she wanted to shit a brick when McKayla asked him to the dance. She describes fury and again judging by ‘Midnight Sun’ I am sure Edythe wanted to crush McKayla’s skull just like Edward. That is just abusive and possessive. Once, again I discussed this at length with ‘Grey’ but let’s do it again! Why, because it is gender flipped now!

I explained in full that it is not romantic or love when your partner descends into foaming mouthed gorilla territory because someone else has interest in them. It is abusive and possessive because they therefore do not trust you. Insane jealousy is not romantic. Too many romances show this trope but it always the man lapsing into a fit. Now the main topic of conversation as now is the time to do it as we know the humans who love Beau are gone now and we don’t have a gender flipped ‘New Moon’ and beyond to discuss this. However, I am sure Edythe would be just as possessive and vile as Edward was. It needs to be discussed as when you look up signs of mental abuse in couples then it is always “How does your friend dress like? Has SHE changed?” It is almost always SHE because it is seen as a male trait to be possessive and therefore abusive. How about when it’s women doing this? How is it portrayed? Well there is now a worrying trend that girlfriends who are possessive and jealous are deemed as cute, crazy teehee and adorably possessive. Observe:

Amazing Qualities You Only Possess if You’re a Jealous Girlfriend

https://www.buzzfeed.com/essencegant/21-amazing-qualities-you-only-possess-if-youre-a-jealous-gir?utm_term=.wkRBRK5385#.mu5W7MqLNq

There are so many more articles like this on Buzzfeed. It is seen as cute and loving. Well it is not cute. It’s damn well abusive and it is no wonder why men do not come forward more often to report to mental abuse. Reverse the gender in that article and it would be flagged as abusive. I am sick of this trend and sadly many probably wouldn’t think Edythe as abusive but if we go via Edward cannon where he is accused of abusive constantly then Edythe is just as guilty. Edythe is describing the fury and hatred she felt due to jealousy. It is not OK! This has to stop; women abuse men too. Men are not weak and pathetic if they are mentally and physically abused as it does happen. I have seen it where it is brushed off as he is a guy but if you went through the warning signs then it would fit. Edythe is just as a bad as Edward, we have already seen insane jealousy, and stalking. Luckily we don’t see some of the worst due to not having gender flipped ‘New Moon’, ‘Eclipse’ and ‘Breaking Dawn’ but remember that it could happen and flip Edward’s disgusting behaviour where he dismantled Bella’s engine to stop her seeing Jacob. Now imagine it was Edythe. We may not see the worse but it’s there and gender does not change abuse.

Abuse is abuse!

Anyway, Edythe goes on about how happy she was when stalking Beau when he mentioned her name. She then goes on about how awful McKayla is which is totally unnecessary and reiterates my point. Apparently these are all human feelings. Again I really don’t think many humans fantasise about smashing a love rival’s skull into fragments with their bare hands. Anyway, even if they did they probably couldn’t but a vampire could so it’s deadly serious. Also don’t blame this on human emotions as we know from Bella that vampire emotions are 1000% stronger so this is just her psychotic mentally surfacing but blaming it on humanity.

I HATE THIS BOOK!!

Beau for some reason goes on about how Royal was meant for Edythe and how can he compete with his rock hard abs.

*Heavy Breathing*

PEOPLE AREN’T FUCKING PROPERTY!!!!!

Edythe rushes in to reassure Beau that Royal is the property of Eleanor and even so that wouldn’t matter as Beau is so much better. Then Edythe says this:

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours …all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”

Blergh! So you aren’t complete unless you have found a love interest. I loathe the phrase ‘other half’ as that suggests that you aren’t complete as a person without a love interest. Shockingly, people can be happy when single. You aren’t any less of a person without a partner.

Edythe asks if Beau turning his back on humanity is worth it? Well, yes as he thinks humans suck just like Bella. I wonder if this is an odd throwback to ‘Breaking Dawn’ when Edward all of sudden laments about taking away Bella’s ability for babies on their wedding night even though she had never shown the slightest interest in them before. I think my suspicions are confirmed because Beau says no and she says not yet. I think she worries about Beau not spreading his wangsty seed everywhere. All I can say is thank goodness! We don’t need another Renesmee.

Charlie decides to check on his boring son and then Edythe asks Beau if she would like it if she sang him to sleep. EW! It was creepy in ‘Twilight’ and it is still creepy now. Beau says he doesn’t want to sleep so Edythe wants to know what he would like to do. I am pretty sure he wants sex. Why? Well:

“Honestly? A lot of things. None of them careful.”

As he can’t sex her up for reasons that we shall see, Beau asks her why she bothers not murdering people as it seems like such effort. If this is Beau/Bella’s reasoning, then I am still shocked she had super/stupid self-control as she/he doesn’t seem to give a shit about murder. He honestly says he doesn’t see why she bothers. Hunny, sweetie pie, it’s pretty simple:

MURDER IS WRONG!!!

I don’t want any arguments about how it’s no different to meat eaters. Humans are sapient which means they can reason, this is why it is frowned upon to eat dolphins and apes as they are very similar in terms of sapience. Vampires murder people with family, hopes and dreams for a quick fix. Also Beau shows what a sociopath he is as he doesn’t care about murder. Well, it’s not like it’s anybody he knows (Bella’s attitude).

Edythe goes on about how they do, because they want to retain their humanity. You could also say murder is wrong as that is pretty simple. They then go on about powers but it’s the same shit.

We then have new crap of Edythe pondering where vampires come from. She said maybe evolution or creation and how it is easy to imagine a creator creating vampires as they created sharks as well as seals.

FAIL!!

We know Meyer considers her vampires as scientific (I don’t even know) but she fails at science in evolution terms. The shark or orca are not unstoppable predators. Every predator has a weakness as nature doesn’t create super charged predators. Seals can escape sharks and orcas. Antelope escape cheetahs many times due to the stamina of the cheetah. Vampires have no weaknesses so therefore impossible in evolution terms. If it’s creation by God, then that has some very dodgy implications. God created man to be the pinnacle so why would God create a predator who outright murders these humans but they have no chance to stop it. That’s the Christian God but the Jewish and Islamic Gods would be the same. Basically this fails beyond all reason. There are also many uncomfortable implications in these books that vampires are compared to angels and a higher plain of existence, even Carlisle is described in God-like descriptions. I very much doubt any God would condone out right murder for desire as we have seen from Bella that vampire thirst is merely an “Ow”.

We then have a strange throwback to ‘Breaking Dawn’:

“We have tomorrow, and the next day and then next….”

Doesn’t that sound like:

“”Forever and forever and forever,” he murmured.”

Beau is now in heat and decides to ask Edythe if she can go into heat like a horny cat. That took one sentence, Beau takes a page. He does say he is super aware of his circularity system which clearly means he has a raging boner. He also has to say how she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. So yes, he wants to bang Edythe but won’t say it. Then I was shocked:

“She laughed again. Are you asking me about sex, Beau?”

I’m shocked as she said sex. Wow, Meyer look how you have grown.

“Sex and Vampires One-Oh-One, We all started out human, Beau, and most of those human desires are still there – just obscured by more powerful desires.”

Right so all the crap Edward gave about humans and hormones and you are still doing the same by implying we are just horny little ferrets and therefore inferior. PAHAHA!!! It is explicitly said that Rosalie and Emmett banged non-stop for ten years!!! She then said vampires form stronger bonds as they are better. Ergh!

Next up is Edythe saying she can’t have sex with Beau as he is a delicate snowflake and she would kill him. We had this issue with Bella and Edward but it is worse here. Let’s talk about sex!

• If they stick with good old fashioned missionary then yes, I could buy the danger angle as she could go for his throat easily while he was ploughing it into her.
• THERE ARE OTHER POSITIONS! The films proved this with Bella riding Edward cowgirl style. Beau and Edythe could go for doggy as he would be in control and she has no access to veins. There are other positions for sex and if anything it is easier with a human man as they are usually able to adapt more to different positions as they have the penis.
• We know this is stupid as Edward went on about how dangerous it was but when he put a ring on it then it was all good. He was willing to slip it into to Bella and she loved it!
• It would be impossible for them to have sex anyway as Edythe is ice cold. Little Beau would shrink faster than you could blink. I don’t think his warm and erect penis would last in an ice cold cavass.

She says that when he is giving her one then she could crush his skull when she was meant to stroke his face. DOGGY STYLE!!! My God, it is not that hard. Go on Amazon and get a sex book, please!!

I have to admit that I have no idea who is talking now as there are no person tags for the stream of dialogue but I am sure it has to be Edythe speaking:

“Do you have any experience with sex and humans?”

Naw, he prefers donkey sex!

Why was humans even there? I think if Beau is going to have sex then it would be with a human rather than a goat. Well, I hope. That’s why I was confused as it is a weird phrase. It must be Beau though as he blushes.

They then go on about how their love is more special than human love as they will sex each other up out of love rather than lust. *Slow Clap* That does not make your vampires special as we humans are not constant horny ducks who just shag constantly. Again, this is rich considering Bella forgets she has a child due to her raging horn and how she wants to shag Edward then and there when the pivotal moment of Charlie coming to see Bella post vampirism for the first time. From what we have seen, vampires are far worse when it comes to sex.

Edythe then goes on about his eyes and twitching again as she describes them as a sky without clouds and I keep thinking of chocolate brown. Oh Jesus Christ! Apparently Beau has ten admirers. Yes, this is not as extreme as Bella who had the whole school plus teachers. Ergh, but it is still disgusting.

Then I am freaked out as Edythe wanks over Beau’s arms which seems very strange. Why arms? Anyway, Edythe goes on about how wonderful Beau is and I want to throw up. She then sings him a lullaby.

THE END!!

Thank God!! That was awful, there was so much fail in that chapter but no counts. I missed them. I am sorry for the length but it needed to be done. Next time, we get to see the Cullens which is pointless but we are getting close to the end.

YAY!!!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 13 “The Meadow of Great Sparkling Fail!”

This is it, we are at THE chapter that started this God forsaken series. This is the chapter that was Meyer’s wet dream where she dreamt of a sparkly boy in the meadow telling this girl how much he loved her but wanted to kill her. I would say that she ate too much cheese late at night and to forget it but no, she found a spark lit up inside her (sleep orgasm) and had to write this story out. This awful chapter sparked the mess of the series to come which brought us Twihards, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, Renesmee and The Vamp (seriously, look that up, it’s weird and disturbing). It will be interesting to see how this pans out (I red-penned this ages ago so I can barely remember what happens except the sparkles) but I am almost certain it was a little of copy and pasting with disturbing extras peppered onto a steak made out of horse shit. Robert Pattinson summed this up perfectly and I do implore you to watch the video underneath as it’s hilarious.

Anyway, enough dawdling! Let’s enter the Meadow of Great Sparkling Fail!

OH JESUS CHRIST!!! NO I DON’T WANT THIS CHAPTER!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!

do-not-want-dog

LOOK AT THIS:

“I thought about falling to my knees on purpose. This was the kind of beauty you worshipped. The kind you built temples for and offered sacrifices to. I wishes I had something in my empty hands to give her, but what would a goddess want from a mediocre mortal like me?”

I am boggling. I am going to quote myself as in what my red pen notes say:

“What the ever loving crap is that?”

That is Beau’s reaction to her sparkling. Really!?! I know I have joked about Beau slaughtering a chicken for Edythe and dancing in a circle. I know I am picture heavy today but I imagine this as it just makes me feel better:

Gordon.png

This is a thousand times worse than Bella’s reaction. This is beyond creepy as he has gone beyond just thinking she is hot but actually worshiping her. Granted, Bella did too but not to the point of sacrificing goats. I still don’t get why the sparkles are meant to be beautiful, especially as ‘The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner’ pretty much ruined that when they went on about how they look like disco balls which I found hilarious as it seemed like hanging a lampshade on the utter stupidity that sparkling is.

Also it just shows what a shallow prick he is again as he has to worship such beauty and is trying to be humble but we know different. Also! I think I need a serious bleach bath and a dousing of wine straight into my veins as the sound of Meyer fapping hard away about her self-insert is utterly disgusting and I don’t think I will ever be clean again. I imagine that this was Meyer after writing that paragraph:

spiderman orgasm

I’m running away from that as fast as possible as its gross. Beau is still gawping at Edythe and she asks him if he is scared. Ermm…. I must ask quickly during this wank fest errmm…. Why? Why is this scary? It’s just sparkling, it’s not like she is ripping the heads of goats or something. It’s just glittering. I must admit, I have never understood the hatred for the sparkling as it doesn’t happen often and vampire myths can change and often have with time. Make fun of her reasoning as it’s stupid as she has no idea how physics works but the sparkling is pretty inoffensive. We have so much more that we can rip apart, no need to waste time on something that barely features.

Beau tells Edythe that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen; he likes to remind us that he is telling the truth which is helpful as he is a lying liar who lies. Edythe asks if he is repulsed by her lack of humanity. Well, any normal person would be but not because of the sparkling but because you are a raging psychopath. Why would anyone think that sparkling is terrifying and repulsive, yeah it is a bit weird but not horrific. Beau answers with this:

“I’m feeling like humanity is pretty overrated.”

Jesus, even Bella didn’t start shitting on humanity this quickly! The message that humans are as low as pond scum are spread throughout this obnoxious series but it really smacks you in the face like bad beef in ‘Breaking Dawn’, especially when Bella turns into a vampire. It is nothing but the constant drum beat of how humanity is the worst and how being a vampire is the best. I will never understand why anyone would want to be one of those abominations. Hey! Quick check list:

• Never sleeping! Never being able to shut the world and your mind away.
• Never eating or drinking (not blood) again! No variations in diet.
• Seeing loved ones grow, change and die while you are stuck forever.
• Never growing or changing yourself.
• Never being able to settle and make long lasting friends (who aren’t murderous vampires) as they will notice you never changing.
• Never having children.
• Never having pets as it has been stated animals hate vampires.
• Never dying. That is a negative as imagine how different humans will be in thousands of years time.
• Never being able to see the world during the day due to sparkling. You can’t enjoy the beach in the Maldives or the vibrancy of Australia during the day.
• Boredom! Linked to never dying but having endless time but limited with what you can do.
• Acting like an animal when blood is near.

Yes, you get to be sparkly, pretty, powerful and immortal but I think what I listed doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest, to me personally. Most vampires are nomadic animals who just travel in pairs and slaughter humans for food in the wilderness. That sounds horrendous and I would rather not but Beau thinks that is the berries. Do you know, if he wants that then fine but he doesn’t need to slam humanity constantly as it just makes him look awful as he feels like he deserves the best as he is Beaufort Swan, bitches! It’s the High School fantasy all over again, where the mousy brunette becomes beautiful and then topples the mean girl to become the meanest girl out there.

I’m skipping the next few pages as it is just Beau stroking Edythe’s arm and trying to make sure that she won’t rip his head off in the process. Oh, and Edythe thinks it’s the best feeling ever. She needs to get out more.

Edythe brings up her favourite topic which is finding out if Beau is terrified of her. Why does she get off on the thought of scaring him? It’s creepy! Beau then huffs her breath; these people are freaks! Well, Edythe does freak out and runs off unto the woods. She asks him if he can give her moment which means more human bashing as Beau needs to inform us that it is loud enough for his pigeon ears.

Edythe comes back and we get the crap about how she is world’s best predator and decides to demonstrate this by destroying nature. I know she is trying to scare Beau as she gets off on that but I bet Beau loves it as he hates nature so is probably orgasming over its destruction via Edythe. I have proof of this theory:

“I’d never seen her so completely freed of her careful human façade. She’d never been less human … or more beautiful. I couldn’t move, like a bird trapped by the eyes of a snake.”

Hmm…. Where to start. Yep, called it, he loves watching the destruction of nature. I bet he loves Trump. OK, yes it isn’t a general human activity to rip apart trees but I still don’t think it’s that astonishing and dropping the façade as she looks human. If she turned into a llama demon, then fine but it just seems to be a bit dramatic to me. Also, look at the human bashing, her throwing off her human façade makes her more beautiful as humans are too dull for Beau. Plenty of humans destroy nature, Beau, not just vampires. Also that phrase about the snake is odd. Yes, plenty of snakes will eat birds but their most common prey is rodents. Captive snakes eat frozen mice after all. I would have changed bird to mouse as it seems a bit odd to me but maybe it’s because birds are seen as more attractive than mice which are usually considered vermin and Beau can’t be that! It is just a very odd phrase.

Edythe stops destroying nature and sits next to Beau and promises that she won’t murder him. They talk about how they never want to leave each other, even though Edythe finally admits she is selfish and won’t leave him alone. She also likes to remind him about how she wants to murder him.

We then get the exact same shit of Edythe describing him as her favourite ice cream, but then decides to go on about alcoholics and describes humans as stale beer but Beau is cognac. Then we have the line that so many Twihards love for some strange reason:

“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”

Nothing shows love like addiction! I know it’s his blood but that was what drew her to him. They just love huffing each other like paint which indicates addiction. We then have the same nonsense of Edythe discussing this with her sisters and how yummy people blood is. She says Eleanor has brutally murdered two people because they smelled extra yummy but it is described like this:

“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?”

The Cullens brutally murdering someone extra yummy for something to eat is a bit different from me eating an entire tub of ice cream in my pyjamas of shame. I won’t say why just yet but this line becomes so important at the end and there will be tantrums. This line will, actually fuck it this whole heroin description will lose all credibility at the end. So make a mental note of this my dear readers and there will be so many words!

I hate this blasé attitude towards cold blooded murder! I do not want any comparison with meat eaters as due to the high intelligence most societies will not eat apes and dolphins which are considered completely separate from eating a chicken. A life is a life yes but these people have hopes, dreams and families but because one of the Cullens thought one of them smelt particularly yummy then they decide to end that for a brief ten minutes of satisfaction. That is murder, end of.

Beau then decides to wank over the prospect over his own murder. Judging by the worship earlier, I think he would have run up the stairs of Chichen Itza to have his heart ripped out if it was for Edythe. She then makes excuses for Eleanor as they were strangers that she ate, it would have been bad if she had known them. That is horrendous as most people feel compassion for strangers who have been hurt. Look at all the love from around the world in the recent terror attacks! Imagine if most of the world didn’t care because hey, it’s not like they know these people who were injured and died. This is beyond worrying and disturbing.

Edythe admits that she thought of murdering him when they first met as well as lots of children but didn’t because that would inconvenience Carine. Not the mindless and cold blooded murders of over twenty people, na they are just lowly humans. How I am meant to believe these people care about humans as they clearly don’t. I have no clue why they only hunt animals as they have shown no indication of caring about humans.

Edythe then goes on about how she thought Beau was a demon (he is) sent to torture her and she kept thinking how she could lure him away to kill him. That is not like a shark who only acts on instinct towards blood as they go into machine mode. She coldly and calculatingly thought of how to murder Beau. That is not insane with blood lust. To prove this, I am going to quote what Edward said in ‘Midnight Sun’ as he plans it so calmly that it just shows what a psychotic arsehole he and therefore Edythe is. Sorry for the long quote but it is needed:

“Destroy evidence. Collateral damage….

I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.

The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.
I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.
The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.

Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.

If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.

But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn’t have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door—block that and they were trapped.

It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear…and I’d be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.

And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.”

Oh, swoon! Don’t they sound like someone we want to aspire to date. I will say it again: I HATE THIS SERIES!

I am certain that was Edythe’s thoughts as it is terrifying to note that Meyer claimed she felt like she was more akin to Edward after writing ‘Midnight Sun’. Look at that!! That is disturbing and I am now scared, not the sparkling but the cold and calculated plots for mass murder. That is not the frantic outburst of the blood thirsty shark within but calculated murder.

Edythe feels the need to tell Beau and therefore us that she considered murdering the frail human (she says that) to abduct Beau. As Beau has no regard for his own life said he would have followed her even though she was a big fat meanie to him.

Edythe explains how she ran off to Alaska but decided to come back as he was just an insignificant human. Once, again I am not getting the impression that she has any compassion for humanity but thinks that they are just vermin. She shows this attitude again by saying that she thought she could treat him like any other human. Yes, with disdain!

She then explains her shit fit when the car came to kill him and thought that it couldn’t be Beau that died, anyone else is fair game though. I’m skipping the rest as it is just a re-hashing of chapter three. I will mention that she admires for Beau for his brains as he saw past the human façade, no he just got boners over your perfection which is not the same thing.

Edythe declares that she can’t live without him even though they have only been cordial for a few days. I am not a fan of romances but if I read one then I like to see the build-up of love. I love the end of ‘Mockinjay’ when Katniss tells Peeta that she loves him as it is genuine growth of her feelings. I get this book is romance but it is just literally them ignoring each other, talking a bit and then BAM!! Twu Luv. It’s pretty unrealistic and dull.

Next is the stupid quote that so many Twihards have tattooed on them about the lion and the lamb. I am not quoting it as it hasn’t changed and makes me want to puke. Edythe goes on about how humans shy away from them which still makes no sense as she said that they are beautiful and smell good to attract their prey. Which is it!?!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 29

The next page is her listening to his heart and I don’t care so I am skipping as nothing has changed. Beau admits that he has been constantly thinking about her and fantasising about her since day one which means he is a massive stalker. They sort of hold each other for a bit while Beau huffs her stench but once again we get some anorexia vibes:

“down her sharp shoulder blades”

How lovely. Edythe tries to explain that she is hungry for some boning as well as his murder. Kinky. She is also very confused by her lady boner as she has never had it before. It is fine to have urges before you meet your love partner as it is called hormones! We aren’t birds who mate for life but animals that have sex for pleasure but don’t need to be in a true love setting to notice those feelings. This is so stupid and also could be damaging as a teenager could be in an abusive relationship but because the sex is good and they desire it then they must be destined true loves as you don’t have these desires till you meet them. Oh Jesus, that is Ana’s feelings for Christian Grey. She isn’t a dirty whore for rutting like a horny squirrel with Christian Grey every given second of the day because he was her true love. That is Ana’s disturbed reasoning as she is so judgemental to any woman who enjoys sex for sex sake as they are whores in her warped mind.

Beau says he understands which makes sense as he is always packing wood when Edythe is around. They stare at each other a bit longer until Edythe decides she wants to take him back to his truck the fast way. She asks him to climb on her back and Beau is just shocked as she is a puny woman! Oh, sorry, it’s because she is so small.

STORY TIME!

Whenever my man partner gets drunk he wants piggybacks all the time. I have honestly no idea why. After one New Years Eve and we were walking back and he leapt up and jumped on my back wanting a piggyback ride. When I threw him off he wanted to run races. Again, I have no idea why. We went to a beer festival so he was drunk and wanted a piggyback ride. I am pretty short and at the time was pretty thin and I carried him quite a distance from the bathroom to our table in a field to a round of applause. Yes, he does this when drunk but he has no issue with a woman giving him a piggyback ride as that is his strange drunken ritual and never felt that his masculinity was being compromised. Beau is trying to pretend that it is because she is so delicate and thin so therefore couldn’t carry his man weight even though he saw her ripping trees apart. He seems the type to buy SHARK PUNCH SHAMPOO as God forbid a man smells like a fruit.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 65

They travel at the speed of light and Beau is scared for some strange reason, I don’t even know or care. Edythe jokes that he looks whiter than her even though he is clearly disorientated. Isn’t she a sweetie.

Anyway, Edythe decides that she wants to try kissing even though it is more just her batting her stone cold dead lips on his for a few seconds. Pretty much how children make Ken and Barbie kiss. Hmm….sexy, not! Beau practically soils himself and grabs her face but Edythe has to run away so she won’t kill him. Granted this is a good obstacle for forbidden love as she feels for him but could kill him so that adds a danger element but we all know that it will only last a chapter as Meyer hates conflict.

Edythe praises herself for not killing him and then says that Beau is a horn-dog due to being human. REALLY?!? Do I need to remind you, Meyer, of Bella and Edward who forget they have a child as they can’t stop shagging in their cottage or Rosalie and Emmett who couldn’t stop having sex for a decade straight in which Bella said that she and Edward are worse. Vampires are like those rodents who shag themselves to death. Human issue, my arse!

Beau is wobbling all over the place after the tamest kiss ever so Edythe decides that she will drive him home as he is clearly drunk from love. No, it is because the blood has drained from his brain to his penis.

That is the end of the chapter!

Not much was changed from the chapter but I think we can all agree that there were some horrifying new additions. I am happy to have got the shameless wet dream chapter over with as that means we are closing in on the ‘plot’. Next up is a pointless chapter in which they talk some more and discuss vampire/human sex which fails completely.

Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 12 “Let’s Glorify Murder, Victim Blaming and Eating Disorders! *THROWS CACTUS*”

We just spent another chapter of the Crab People of Forks fawning over the awesome that is Beau and Edythe. It was both horrifying and boring. The chapter ended with Bonnie and Jules turning up and Beau giving them the stink eye as they dare to have more experience with vampires than Beau. Gawd, he knows them best!! He is such a twit.

We start this chapter with Charlie being all excited that his friend has come over to see him. We see some genuine characterisation between the three as they laugh and joke with each other. Jules, once again comes across as far more likeable than Edythe could ever be. Beau decides that all of this is offensive to him to goes inside so he doesn’t have to be a part of this merrymaking (I’m re-reading The Lord of the Rings for university and I love that phrase). They decide to stay for the game, shocking as I thought women didn’t understand complicated man games like sports! Bonnie drops Jules in it by saying how she was excited to see Beau again (Why?!?).

Beau decides to cook grilled cheese sarnies so he can further his avoidance of merrymaking as he is a boring old Sacksville-Baggins. Jules decides to take up the unenviable task of making small talk with Beau and he actually shows some interest in her life which is shocking in its own right and asks if she has finished her car. Naturally, we have to get back to the Cullens so Jules asks who was driving the awesome Volvo. I really doubt someone who loves classic cars and is building a VW Rabbit would really think a silver Volvo was that amazing as she would more likely be impressed with the horse power and other car things rather than a price tag. This is just another case of Meyer moving a character’s lips to make them fawn over the Cullens.

Beau tells Jules that the driver was Edythe Cullen and to his shock she doesn’t fawn over how amazing that information is but just laughs. I love you Jules, please phase into a werewolf now and rip Edythe apart. We then have the stupidity of Jules saying that Bonnie wouldn’t tell Charlie due to him cutting off his best friend all because she dared to not like virtual strangers. It was ridiculous in the original and it is still stupid here. Not enough to award points though as Meyer would never remove anything that didn’t make the Cullens look like tortured heroes and the werewolves as nothing else but prejudiced jerks.

Beau basically sticks around just to see if Bonnie will say anything and not because he actually wants to socialise with anyone that isn’t a Cullen. Now, we must say goodbye to our first character that gets to depart this mess. Bye Jules! *Waves* I hope you don’t become the whiney arsehole that Jacob became. Beau decides that he doesn’t want to talk to his father but Charlie would quite like to connect to his son. Sadly, Charlie asks why doesn’t Beau go to the dance with McKayla. I think this is just so Beau can go on about how much better Edythe is compared to that human scum. It wasn’t this bad in the original which is odd but it must be to make Edythe and therefore Meyer seem more special. Beau then lies off his arse by saying he is just like daddykins while smiling so his Dad won’t spend time with him.

Beau wakes up and is cheerful according to Charlie, I still doubt it as nothing makes him happy. He goes outside and Edythe is there. SHOCKING!!! She flourishes her dimples her again which is getting on my nerves as much as the blushing descriptions. Beau asks Edythe about what she did last night and as a true Edwardian lady she tells him to shut the fuck up as it is still her turn for the interrogations.
Edythe is shocked that Beau has no romantic history as he is such a yummy little gummy bear and how could not have won the heart of some fair maiden. Blergh! This chapter is so boring! Nothing has changed as now it’s the same shit of Edythe and Archie leaving at lunch to slaughter some of the local fauna. Beau asks Edythe if she cannot leave her Volvo at his house just in case Charlie sees, we then have this:

“And then, if you don’t come home, it will be a complete mystery, won’t it?”

Murder is hilarious! Haha!! Think of the shenanigans that will ensue. I hate this book so much and that is the lightest of the total flippancy of murder that this books gets. It gets so much worse. Edythe is then pissy when he asks her what she is hunting and giggles when Beau calls it her unusual lifestyle which makes me think of something kinky.

Beau then whines that the Cullens don’t seem to like him but Edythe tells him that he is the most fascinating person she has ever known. She must have spent her vampire years in a hole as he is mind numbingly dull. Beau agrees with me and says he is the most boring person he knows. I know this is to make him sound humble and we as the audience are meant to shout that he is so not boring but I agree with him. He makes watching paint dry sound like a rave. Ergh, we now have some human bashing. Observe:

“”Having the advantages I do,” she murmured, touching one finger to her forehead, “I have a better – than – average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you … you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise.””

He takes you by surprise as he thinks with his boner rather than his brain because if he used his grey matter then he would have run a mile when she said how much she wants to kill him and how she stalks him. Also Edythe says that he isn’t like most humans as they are just dullards> I disagree as his thought process pretty much consists of:

I HATE THE WEATHER!

EDYTHE IS FIT!

I HATE RAIN!

EW! HUMANS ARE GROSS!

RAIN SUCKS!

I LOVE EDYTHE’S EYEBROW!

Yeah, he is facisnating. Royal then decides to glare at Beau for some reason so Edythe hisses at her brother. Ooooo scary! They then discuss Beau’s possible murder as the reason why Royal is pissy with them. Not because murdering a young man is bad but because his family may get caught out. These people are horrible.

Edythe finally leaves even though I don’t see how the school would allow this if she was fine all day and looking perky. Also, she would never have perfect grades. This is still stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 28

Beau meets Archie and it is boring in all honesty. Archie then frolics off which still sounds silly after Edythe speaks to him coldly. Why is she so horrible to her family? I’m meant to think the Cullens are a big and happy family but they all seem to hate each other and stick with each out of convenience rather than familial love. They love their romantic partners but treat each other with utter contempt and hostility. Yet, I am supposed to idealise these people but it just doesn’t make any sense. I would rather be in a happy human family then be part of the Cullens.

Edythe begs Beau to be safe and remarks that it is very difficult for him to safe in Forks. No it isn’t! He had a car accident, the most dangerous thing for him is a vampire who wants to eat him. Hmm…. I wonder who that could be, Edythe?

Beau then considers ditching school himself but realises that others would figure out he was with Edythe and if she out right murders him the next day then she may be inconvenienced. Wow, that’s ermmm…… romantic? Is that meant to be the right word as that just sounds like someone trying to hide domestic abuse.

We then have Beau contemplating his relationship with Edythe and declares that they have to face off his potential murder as they need to stop balancing. I hate random words dropping like a wet tissue in chapters to explain the chapter title, it just comes across as random and lazy. Beau decides that he doesn’t mind getting brutally murdered by Edythe as the prospect of her leaving is just too hard.

Beau chats with McKayla and she politely asks what his plans are for the weekend and Beau gets all pissy as she asks if he planning on ‘studying’ with Edythe. I don’t know why people care to be honest. She says he is welcome to join them at the dance as his exciting plans of laundry made her pity him. Beau still has to be a little bitch and snap at her. McKayla, who has more of a spine snaps back at him. I am meant to think she is being a bitch but I think it’s great someone stands up to his whiney and entitled behaviour.

WAHHHH!!! 68

Beau walks to the parking lot and lo and behold his car is there. Beau doesn’t contemplate that Edythe is a massive stalker who went through his stuff. He gets home and tells his Dad that he won’t be going to Seattle and will spend the day at home. Charlie for some strange reason says that Beau is easy to live with. I doubt that, it would be like living with severe damp and mould.

Beau then goes on and on about his own brutal murder and is wondering if there will be anything left of his corpse for his Dad to mourn over. He then wonders how devastating it would be for Charlie to lose his only son. This entirely new and I know why, it’s pure foreshadowing.

He decides that he would prefer it if his murderers are never caught which would probably give Charlie some closure but he wouldn’t them to be inconvenienced in any way for his horrific murder. He even says that he wouldn’t want them to feel threatened. This is sick! How on earth can someone think like this? He doesn’t seem to give a shit about how his father would feel and is far more concerned about his murderers. That sounds so much like victim blaming and Beau sounds like a victim making excuses to make life for his abuser easier. This is just beyond sick and sends out the worst messages.

Beau considers briefly that he might go to Seattle and that part of Edythe is hoping for that. Once again, this is just sick. That is basically Edythe saying while Beau lies on the floor dying:

“Well I did tell you that I may murder you and that it was up to you if you wanted to have a date. I did also flutter my dimples and other awkward flirtings while saying how much I care for you but I wanted you to change your mind so I wouldn’t murder you. Well, how could I help myself? This is clearly your fault and you wanted to be brutally murdered at seventeen.”

This is pure victim blaming and it is disgusting. He is choosing to trust her not to kill him but she thinks if she cryptically warns him enough then that takes away all her responsibility if she does kill him as she totally warned him.

I hate this book so much. Beau is an idiot by making it easier for his killer to face no ramifications but also he is being manipulated by a pretty vampire. Beau even declares that there is no choice and has to be with Edythe no matter what. Once again, he sounds like a domestic abuse victim who has been so manipulated that they feel like they have no choice but to be with their abuser. This book has the worst messages and I will never understand how Meyer has never realised this.

I know why she doesn’t understand this. Meyer is trying to ramp up the drama of their date to the extreme, which is stupid as we have read Twilight so we know that she doesn’t murder him. Meyer is desperately trying to ramp up the drama to show how much Beau’s love has changed Edythe as she won’t eat him because of their special love. It is just another instance of that awful message that the love of a good woman/man can change the bad boy/girl which as we know barely works in real life as those people end up buried in the basement.

Beau then decides to wonder how it would feel being drained of blood till he dies. He speaks with such a flat tone that he doesn’t sound like he particularly cares that he may die a horrible death tomorrow. He is concerned that it would be unlike Hollywood depictions because of her brutal slaughterings of woodland creatures. He then thinks that it would probably be a gentle death as it is Edythe. This is just bizarre! He must have severe issues to be calmly thinking about the real possibility of a preventable death the next day.

Beau decides to be edgy by drinking cold medicine which is hardly irresponsible drug use as cold medication is hardly going to knock you out. He even says when he wakes up that he slept well due to his ‘drug abuse’. Drinking a bit of cold medication is hardly drug abuse and this just makes Meyer look naive and immature.

Edythe knocks and she laughs that they match. It is because they are so dull and only wear beige. They get in his car and Beau incorrectly states that his car could be Edythe’s car’s grandfather which is incorrect as cars like boats are referred to in feminine pronouns. Beau asks where they are going and Edythe explains that they are going to go hiking.

Edythe asks who knows that they are together and Beau explains that no one knows and she gets angry as that just makes things easier for her to murder him and therefore all his fault if he dies. She actually says this:

“Is it the weather? Seasonal affective disorder? Has Forks made you so depressed that you’re actually suicidal?”.

Suicide is not funny and why does Fork’s weather even come into this? Edythe is a pure abuser who is blaming Beau for whatever harm she may do to him. It’s almost like: “Why do you make me angry? I don’t want to hit you but you make me!” Meyer would probably argue that it is not like that as she wants Beau to tell people so is therefore not trying to isolate him. It’s not that at all, she knew he wouldn’t tell anyone and is using that as almost an excuse to hurt him. She is acting furious that he hasn’t told anyone which is a contradiction as she said it would cause problems for her if she did outright murder him. She is a manipulative witch.

They get out of the car and both decide that I haven’t suffered enough as we go from victim blaming and murder to Beau/Meyer wanking over Edythe/Meyer. Observe:

“I could see the delicate shapes of her shoulder blades almost like furled wings under her pale skin. Her arms were so thin…”

Ew! Beau sounds just as flowery as Bella and who on earth describes shoulder blades like that. That is bizarre and why is he fetishizing her extreme thinness? She sounds like a bag of bones and I am guessing that is what Meyer wishes she was as Edythe is her self-insert. It’s sad really and I may have had sympathy if it wasn’t for the fact that Edythe in her extreme thinness is described as perfect constantly which can be damaging to the young girls reading this. That isn’t the end of that though as we have more:

“I’d never seem so much of her skin. Her pale arms, her slim shoulders, the fragile-looking twigs of her collarbones, the vulnerable hollows above them, the swanlike column of her neck, the gentle swell of her breasts – don’t stare, don’t stare – and her ribs I could nearly count under the thin cotton. She was too perfect, I realised with a crushing wave of despair. There was no way this goddess could ever belong to me.”

WHY, GOD, WHY!?!

• This has gone beyond being thin, this sounds like anorexia to me. Read that again and see what he says. He is fetishizing her fragile and prominent shoulder blades, they clearly stick out quite a bit to show off hollows and that he can count her ribs underneath her top which shows how much they must stick out. This is not healthy! She sounds painfully thin and malnourished but Beau loves it! He thinks that this is perfect. What the hell was Meyer thinking?! Anorexia is not sexy but a dangerous and life destroying mental illness that is very well known to affect teenage girls which is her core demographic. This is sick and is promoting a very damaging ideal as Edythe is constantly described as perfect so to impressionable young girls that sounds like anorexia = perfect appearance. Meyer has often said that she doesn’t think about what she is writing and it clearly shows here. Bella was never described like this who was Meyer’s last self-insert. This is so beyond vile, especially as I am someone who has battled eating disorders due to societal demands for being slim. This has made me so angry that young girls read this and that Meyer is once again adding extra vile messages into her series.

• This also fails due to history. Edythe as an Edwardian woman from a middle to high class family would very unlikely be this thin. Edwardian ideals were for women to be curvy with broader features such as hips. Larger body weight was seen as attractive due to the logic that they would shoot out babies easier and that meant that her family were affluent enough to have rich and decent food throughout the day. Bigger sizes meant affluent families which was very attractive in those times. Thin frames became highly popular in the 1920s but Edythe was already a vampire then. Thin bodies in the Edwardian period screamed poor and working class because it was obvious that your family didn’t have enough money to feed your family. Things are flipped now as being thin shows you can afford healthy organic food with a personal trainer whereas bigger bodies now indicate that the person is poor and has to rely on cheap and unhealthy foods that are packed with calories to survive.

• Edythe would look sick and poor to her peers and unlikely to have been seen as attractive in her social circles. People may say it is because she died of the Spanish Flu at that may have been why she is this thin but no, as that fails too, as Spanish Flu was relatively quick to succumb to so she would not have lost that much weight before her transformation unless she was already very slim to begin with. Also, this couldn’t be true as Meyer would not want her avatar to look sickly as she wants to be Edythe and she has to be perfect.

• I seriously doubt that a seventeen-year-old boy would comment on the gentle swell of someone’s breasts as that doesn’t sound realistic or natural for his demographic.

• WOMEN ARE NOT POSSESSIONS!!! No one belongs to anyone as that just sounds like property ownership and I am sick to death of this message that is constantly being broadcast in this series.

Wow, that was a massive rant over a small paragraph but thankfully the chapter is almost over. They start hiking and Beau mentions that he killed three goldfish in a row which Edythe finds exceptionally funny. I find it funny that many serial killers start off by killing animals so naturally she would find this funny as she is a raging psychopath.

They walk into the meadow and Beau decides to sound just like Bella and goes on about the pretty flowers which sounds odd for a teenage boy. Edythe takes a deep breath and then steps in the sunlight and thankfully we end there.

That chapter was awful! I wanted to start peeling off my skin, ergh and next is the meadow with those God awful sappy love declarations. Before we end though, let us say farewell to Jeremy, McKayla, Taylor, Erica, Allen and Logan as they are pretty much gone. They appear very briefly in the last chapter but they will no longer have any speaking lines. They were pointless characters anyway but now we enter pure vampire company rather than humans. Can’t wait for the constant humanity bashing which will be coming in thick and fast. Ermm….. yay?

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 11 “Beau Has an Electricity Fetish, Kinky Bugger”

I’m on a roll this week! I think it is because I have completed red lining my hard copy of this book and saw how this thing ended. It’s spurred me on to get to that as my goodness there is so much fail rather than pointless filler. Last time we saw Beau banging on about man codes and what an obsessive freak he was. Next we have pretty much the same nonsense as it is just pure filler to pad this crap out.

We start with everyone and the text says everyone staring at Beau and Edythe as they walk into Biology. I really don’t get why anybody cares. Mrs Banner rolls in a TV and VCR which I struggle to believe as DVDs were cheap by then. I think this maybe Meyer being stuck in the 90s or its Meyer trying to show how poor this Crab People town is. I won’t award it a point as I suspect it’s the latter.

We then get a massive paragraph which I am so not quoting as it’s weird and long in which Beau goes on and on about how the electric current between him and Edythe is so strong that it’s almost painful. He is so turned on by his electricity fetish that he must touch Edythe’s “perfect” face. This goes on for a page!

They then struggle to say goodbye to each other as it will be a whole hour till they see each other again and it hurts.

Spongebob

Beau goes to gym and whines that the badminton racket he has is so dangerous. No it’s not, the racket would barely hurt you and a shuttlecock is practically weightless. Stop trying to make a stupid statement to heighten drama for your clumsiness which has disappeared for a while. McKayla partners up with Beau and he has the gall to say this:

“Sometimes it was really easy to like McKayla.”

It’s because she is a nice girl who is friendly to you but because she doesn’t have that ‘perfect’ face then she is still just a peasant to him. He would rather have the model who is constantly switching between extreme moods and has the personality of a cabbage. It has nothing to do with genders either as I thought this about Bella when it came to Mike.

Beau manages to defy the laws of physics to do something stupidly clumsy. They both leave gym together and Meyer decides to change that stupid line of Mike not liking Edward and Bella together because she looked like something he wanted to eat to:

“So she just snaps her fingers and you heel?”

“Guess so.”

Well yes, but I think this was changed so Meyer could shuv a great middle finger to her critics. She is trying to say:

“See Bella isn’t a doormat because she is a woman but it’s because she is a human! Look how strong Edythe is as other girls are noticing and she is a girl! It’s about first love, dammit.”

Nope, it doesn’t prove anything as Bella was a doormat because she is the most useless character to step foot in literature. Not because she is human but because she just likes to flop around till someone picks her up and does everything for her. This change of line is not fixing anything; Edythe doesn’t come across as strong but an abusive witch.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 62

Beau responds to this by walking away, yeah that really proves a point. He meets up with Edythe and once again she shows what a little bitch she is:

“Though I wouldn’t have minded if you’d hit that girl just a little harder.”

Why!?! What has that poor girl done to you, Edythe? She is just a bully and I can’t stand her. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean being a nasty bully. Edythe agrees not to maul McKayla to death and Beau says this:

“It was hard to process. Edythe was just so … delicate.”

You know she is a super strong vampire! Why is this so hard to comprehend? Meyer is seriously failing at her feminist argument.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 63

They talk about mind reading for a bit and I mention it as Edythe has to again show how much she seems to hate Royal as she admits that she says the worst things she can think of to his face. I don’t get this. Is it because Royal is now a man that Meyer wants to bash him some more or was it because she wanted to add this into the original but didn’t as she said many of her changes were fixes to suit her. If it is the latter than that is disturbing as Rosalie was a gang rape victim which killed her. Why go to so much effort to make that person sound even worse. I don’t even want to go into the horrible implications that these changes could suggest. I am so moving on.

They then go to the car and watch as Royal’s convertible is being fawned over by men as girls don’t understand cars, it confuses their tiny brains. I’m surprised though as Beau still says he doesn’t understand cars. According to Meyer, I thought men loved that? Maybe it’s because Beau is special compared to those Neanderthals.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 64

Beau asks why he can’t see Edythe hunt and that she seemed mad. Edythe asks if that frightened him, Beau even notes that she is hopeful. Why does she want him to be scared of her? I really don’t buy that it’s because she would hope he would change his mind about her as I am sure she would still stalk him. I think she gets off on it to be honest. Beau has an electricity fetish and Edythe has an abuser fetish. How lovely!

Edythe basically explains that they act like total savage animals who torture their food and he may get hurt as she can’t turn off her brutal nature. Why am I meant to aspire to be one of these things? I like my humanity, thank you. Beau goes on about his electricity fetish again and forgets to breath. You don’t forget and that is stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 27

They say goodbye and we skip the entire afternoon as Edythe isn’t there. Beau does dream about her though with more electricity. He wakes up and goes on about how his hair is too thick which you think a man would be very grateful about and how he is too pale. I am not buying the humble act as women are queuing up to date you (no idea why).

Charlie asks again if Beau is going to the dance, why bother Charlie? Charlie is worried that his son is upset that no one asked him and is maybe upset by that. Beau has to be a total arsehole though and say in his head that he so totally had loads of invitations as he is BEAUFORT SWAN, BITCHES!

He then ponders about what to do about Taylor and therefore Logan. Tell her! It is really not hard. I hate it when authors try and ramp up the drama with mundane crap like this. It’s very simple and therefore becomes very annoying.

It’s hardly a life and death situation (see what I did there, I’m hilarious).

Tumbleweed

He gets in the car with Edythe and naturally waxes poetically about Edythe. She then decides to bombard Beau with questions. Beau proves that like Bella he has no personality as he says his favourite colour is gold but it changes daily depending on Edythe’s eyes that day. That is sad and pathetic. Edythe continues to question Beau about his favourite books, music and movies but us readers never find out what those are. I am not advocating more pages for this book because I think I would cry but instead cut the constant wanking of Edythe so we can get some idea of Beau’s personality. Remember, Bella was empty so girls could step into her shoes and be the girl that gets wooed by Edward Cullen, basically fulfilling the fantasy. Are teenage boys reading this to get the fantasy of bagging the hottest girl in school? No, the readers are still mostly heterosexual females so Beau being empty fulfils no fantasy so he just comes across as exceptionally dull and empty.

Oh Jesus, No!! We are now entering a God awful scene of Beau fixing his Taylor problem. I hate this section so much but summing it up doesn’t not give you the true awfulness of this scene. It’s long but I am quoting this whole thing. I’m putting it in bold so it’s easier to read with my comments in between.

“Taylor, can I have a minute?” I said as I walked up to her. I didn’t say it quietly.

She was right in the very middle of the cluster. Logan turned to glower at me with his fish green eyes.

Why does Beau have to be a nasty bastard to Logan? Why focus on that? It is just unnecessarily catty and not needed.

Sure, Beau,” Taylor said, looking confused.

“Look,” I said, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Everyone fell silent. Jeremy’s eyes got all round. Allen looked embarrassed. McKayla shot me a critical glance, like she couldn’t believe I was doing it this way. But she didn’t know exactly what I was doing, or why I needed this audience.

McKayla is looking at you that way because she thinks you are being a douche and humiliating Taylor in front of her friends and no what Beau actually does is no better. It’s stupid and doesn’t work but we will get there. Also why do we need a laundry list of how everyone is reacting? The audience doesn’t care.

Taylor was shocked. “What?”

I scowled. It was easy – I was pretty angry right now that I hadn’t talked myself out of this, or come up with a better way. But it was too late for improv now.

If Beau had just told her that he wasn’t interested in the first place, then we wouldn’t need this stupid scene. Also why is Beau so angry? It is a simple misunderstanding which he has had plenty of time to fix and tell her the truth. It almost sounds like he wants to humiliate her for daring to think she could have him. Also the next scene will show why the last sentence is insane as he couldn’t just tell her the truth but instead came up and rehearsed this stupid scene which is what that line implies.

”I’m tired of being a pawn in your game, Taylor. Do you even realize that I have feelings of my own? And all I can do is watch while you use me to make some jealous.” My eyes darted to Logan, whose mouth was hanging open, and back to Taylor. “You don’t care if you break my heart in the process. Is it being beautiful that’s made you so cruel?”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!

Bullet list time:

• No one would buy this as Beau spends all his time with Edythe or staring at her. No one would buy that he likes Taylor, unless they are as stupid as Beau.
• I think it would be obvious to everyone that this is a lie as he doesn’t spend any time with Taylor.
• Meyer has clearly been watching too many rom-coms. I keep thinking of Legally Blonde when Elle says to the nerdy guy about how they had a hot and steamy night but he never called in front of a girl he fancies so she would date him as woman love dogs, am I right? I think Meyer was trying to recreate that scene to make Logan want Taylor more as she clearly likes him if she is willing to use someone to make him jealous.
• Or Meyer wanted Taylor to be humiliated in front of everyone and to make them think she is nothing but a cock-teasing bitch who deserves scorn as she dared to fancy Beau. Meyer loves to torture characters that are clearly based on people she knew in high school so maybe this is another instance of that.
• This probably wouldn’t work then if we go with the second theory as it would most likely make guys think that Taylor is a manipulative snake who will use other men for her own fun.
• Beauty makes you cruel. Are you serious? This is once again showing that horrible ‘Nice guy’ attitude. Beau sounds like a Male Rights Activist.

Taylor’s eyes were wide, her mouth open in a little o.

“I’m not going to play anymore. This whole prom charade? I’m out. Go with the person you really want to be with.” A longer glare this time at Logan.
And then I stalked away, slamming through the cafeteria doors in what I hoped was a dramatic way.

Ergh, this is pure match-maker Sue/Stu at work but in the most convoluted and soup opera way possible. I bet Meyer thought this scene was brilliant but it wasn’t. I wanted to peel my own skin off after that.

Edythe tells Beau that he is amazing and that his stupid little plan worked, I am still convinced it was because he wanted to humiliate Taylor. Also, no one would buy his little scene! They would just sit and think he is having an episode. They go to Biology and they are watching that film again. Beau talks for half a page about how his electricity fetish is making him want to take Edythe right there, well PG rated off course as he just talks about kissing her chin. Though this line made me giggle as I am a child:

“Not really appropriate for a classroom full of children”

He clearly has an electricity induced boner again. He then spends the rest of the class trying to wish his trouser snake to go away. They leave to go to gym and Edythe touches his face and leaves. I have summed up a page and a half in two sentences. Luckily for Beau, he is with McKayla again for gym so he doesn’t have to do anything but stand there. I am sure the coach would tell him to move his lazy arse and play.

He leaves gym and Edythe is there so he is oh so happy now. Edythe continues to question him but we get none of his answers as characterisation is far too much effort. They sit in her car for hours which seems weird as they could talk in his house but we all know why they aren’t doing the sensible thing here.

FORESHADOWING!!! OOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!

We then get a title drop of them looking poetically into the distance and saying its twilight. Subtle, real subtle. Edythe whines about the night time and calls it predictable, I would give kudos if she couldn’t go in the day but she can so that sounds like whining. Sadly, I can’t give that a point as that’s exclusively for Beau. He goes on about how you can see the stars but then whines that you can’t in Forks. I am sure you are more likely to see them in Forks on a clear day then Phoenix due to light pollution.

WAHHHH!!! 67

They’re about to say goodbye and Meyer decides we may have forgotten what a shallow prick Beau is and how Edythe is the most perfect goddess to ever exist.

“I’d always thought I didn’t really have a type; my former my crowd back had something – one liked blondes and one only cared about the legs and one had to have blue eyes. I’d thought I was less particular; a pretty girl was a pretty girl. But I realized now that I must have been the most difficult to please of them all. Apparently, my type was extremely specific – I’d just never known it. I hadn’t known my favorite hair colour was this metallic shade of bronze, because I’d never seen it before. I hadn’t known I was looking for eyes the color of honey, because I’d never seen those, either. I didn’t know a girl’s lips had to be curved just this wau and her cheekbones high under the long slash of her back lashes. All along, there had only been one shape, one face that would move me.”

WOW!!

I think Meyer was going for the whole thing of two halves of a whole soul thing to show that Beau and Edythe are soulmates and true loves. That’s fine, if you want to go for that boring cliché then I’m not going to stop you. However, the way this was executed is completely off. What is the only thing that mentioned? Any guesses? Oh, OK I’ll tell you.

APPEARANCE!

There is no mention of personality whatsoever! I get that someone’s looks is usually the first thing you notice about someone when you establish an attraction. I completely get that and it would be foolish to pretend that physical attributes isn’t important. It’s fine to have a slight preference to blondes but most people don’t only go for blonde hair or blue eyes (weird Nazi vibe there as that’s all that’s mentioned). Many may prefer those attributes but most wouldn’t out right reject a red head with green eyes, unless they are Christian Grey but that is for truly demented reasons.

However, total focus on physical attraction is usually in the initial lust stage but that’s when personality becomes far more important. The person you think is hot may be the most horrible and boring human being you have ever had the misfortune to meet. Then there is the flip side, you may meet the most beautiful person to you and their personality is awesome but then they suffer from an illness or accident that dramatically alters their appearance, real love means people look past that as it is the person they fell in love with, not the packaging.

That is so clearly not the case here. I find it is the case of unusual features such as eyes and hair colour that snare Beau the most as that makes her a limited edition and only he can have it. She is his shiny Charizard Pokemon card which he can laud in other people’s faces. The way he is talking is the very shallow lust faze but he is meant to be in the truest love which is better than yours. Yet, all talks about is her looks and no mention of her personality (it may be horrible but go with me here) and what aspects of her personality that make her his type. They have only bonded over one classical music song. That’s it! This is so beyond shallow and is frankly worse than Bella. She went on about Edward’s beauty but not to this extent. Beau like Bella wants sparkly immortality with great riches and the added bonus of a good looking handbag (Edward/Edythe). This isn’t true love but shallow lust.

Edythe drives off due to a complication, I wonder what that could be. Oh yes, the Blacks have arrived and so has Charlie. Exciting stuff. Jules is all excited to see Beau (why?) and helps her mother Lady Billy who is now Bonnie out of the car. Beau says she looks unusual which probably translates to an ugly crone as she isn’t a vampire. He describes her as a stereotypical Native American with wise eyes, probably in touch with nature and can paint with all the colours of the wind as that’s what they all clearly do according to Meyer.

Beau notices that Bonnie looks pissed off to see Edythe and Beau concludes this chapter that Bonnie believes the old legends. Well, they aren’t that old as they are barely a hundred years old. These vampires suck for not waiting longer to come back to Forks but it is a case of stupidity for the sake of plot.

Anyway, that is the chapter is done! We are one chapter away from the meadow of sparkly unicorns, I think I may need a bucket for that but we still have some pointless filler to get through where we will say goodbye to many characters. They are so lucky to escape this early.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 10 “Meyer Style Bro Talk, Yeah Bruv!!!”

It’s been a while since I last posted due to many reasons. I’ve been on holiday to Madrid and have been gardening with the added bonus of friend drama. We all love that, don’t we? Blergh, well enough excuses, it is time to crack on with this mess as we are almost half way through! Oh, that is another excuse as I realised that I had only red penned up to this chapter so I’ve read a few more chapters and noted horrifying things for your joy. Enough excuses! Let’s get on with more filler! Ermm…… yay?

We left off with Beau declaring his Twu Luv for Edythe and I may have died. Now Beau has woken up and he is trying to remember how amazing it was when Edythe professed her desire to murder him. He then feels the need to fondle Archie’s scarf because Edythe wore it once. Beau is really creeping me out. I can see him camping outside the Cullen house and wanking in a bush while watching them. Is that sexist? No, as I could see Bella doing the same thing.

Beau then blathers on about how he ate a granola quickly and how he is clearly going to get wet from the rain as he left his coat in Jeremy’s car. This is awful foreshadowing as I know Edythe will be waiting but even if she wasn’t then it shouldn’t matter as Beau has his own car. However, due to this being awful foreshadowing than that means that only the Volvo of Love can save him from the Rain of Doom because of love and stuff. I don’t know anymore!!

ZOMG!!! THE EDYTHE CULLEN IS LIKE SO TOTALLY THERE LIKE WAITING FOR BEAU!! ZOMG!!!

Wow! She said she would be there but Beau decides to tell us that he may be developing aortic issues. I think Meyer may have learnt some fancy medical jargon. Also by mentioning aortic issue means nothing, is it an aneurysm or a blockage? What is it?!?! I just think that Meyer wanted a fancy word for heart but doesn’t realise that it is the main artery of the heart so therefore this sentence just sounds stupid. My Mum who is a nurse thinks it is utterly stupid as this could range from terminal to something that could be cured with medical intervention. No one would sit there and say “Ooh! Aortic issue!”. Make the stupid go away!!!

Apparently Edythe is laughing at his heart attack face, yes, he really says that. I have no idea what a heart attack face is and neither does my Mum. Beau gets in the car and Edythe gives Beau a jacket that is Royal’s jacket as that is a man jacket!! I’m sorry but there is issue here as I get Edythe is too slim to lend Beau a jacket but Edward could have done that too as he lived with three women. Why couldn’t he have given Bella Alice’s jacket or Rosalie’s? I think it’s a case of the man can give a jacket but not a perfect woman as they are too feminine and slim.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 58

Beau then decides to tell us that he has a hard time being afraid of Edythe as she is a woman so is frail and womanly but he could be afraid of Royal as he is all manly and stuff. Beau, sweetie, YOU ARE A GODDAMN MISOGYNISTIC MORON!!! You know she is a vampire with super strength who could snap you in half and drink you!! Is it because she is a woman?

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 59

Beau then does some nice PG Victorian wanking by talking about her slender throat and fancy collarbone. Wow, this is so hot. *Rolls Eyes* Also Edythe speaks in a way that doesn’t scream Edwardian Middle Class:

“Make a cross with your fingers, throw holy water, run away screaming, that sort of thing.”

I would not be bitching if the guide wasn’t released but it was and that says that vampires stay in their mind frame and are affected by the era they were changed. This sounds very modern for an Edwardian lady.

Edythe really wants him to be terrified, maybe just bite him? Then again he would just come running back, so whatever. He then asks where her family are and Edythe points to a ridiculous convertible and makes the utterly stupid comment of how they try to blend in. I feel like I need a bullet list:

• The vampires do nothing but show contempt and ignore anyone around them.
• They wear nothing but designer clothes in a poor town which draws attention.
• They drive very expensive cars to dazzle the peasants.
• They buy lots of food and then not eat a bite but then throw it away in front of everyone. By a thermos and pretend to sip!!! It’s not hard.

How is any of that blending in? Meyer had to dumb down humanity to make this work and therefore make Beau/Bella special for noticing. Beau says what we are all thinking and says they are failing. Yes, they seriously are.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 25

“If you’re looking for privacy, there are plenty of used Hondas available.”

Not bad, as that is very true and I like the addition but this seems to be one of the many instances where Meyer lampshades how stupid her cannon is. Edythe has to be a dick and say how they like to drive fast and endanger people’s lives.

They find Jeremy in the school parking lot and Edythe feels the need to do her boner smile at Jeremy for reasons. Jeremy runs off as his Edythe boner is taking too much blood away from his brain.

Edythe decides to do an Edward and ask Beau/Bella what they are going to say to that pesky little gossip. Edythe says that it isn’t ethical for her to say what he is thinking. She says with a mischievous smile that Jeremy wants to know what base he got too.

BUZZ!!

WRONG!!!

Make some Goddamn effort into your historical characters, Meyer.

Meyer has outright stated in the guide that vampire minds do not change from the time they are changed. I have said this time and time again but this is the time it really sticks out. Edythe is an Edwardian woman changed into a vampire in 1918. She is also the only child of a middle class and very rich family. Her virginity would have been very important to her to make an appropriate match fit for her class status and to secure her future as due to inheritance laws she would receive nothing. Yes, the Flapper movement and sexual promiscuity was rising before the Spanish Flu epidemic but if we take Edward’s morals in account as Edythe is Edward then we can establish that Edythe takes virginity, especially female virginity very seriously. Edward established in Eclipse that he would not tarnish Bella’s soul by sexing her up before marriage as he wanted her to get into Heaven (forgetting how many commandants she broke). If Edward believed this, then it is pretty certain that Edythe has the exact same values but for herself. She would believe that her virginity has the upmost importance and would therefore not laugh about what base Beau got with her. She would be appalled and embarrassed that something that vulgar could even be thought about her. She would panicky as that was something that could ruin a woman in the Edwardian middle class as that could destroy a match. Let’s look at Downton Abbey, Lady Mary was distraught at the very thought that anyone would find out that she had sex with the Turkish Diplomat as that would destroy her reputation and make her unfit for a respectable marriage. Edythe would feel the same as her only ticket in life was a good name and marriage to someone of worth but if that person knew she was even rumoured to have had oral, hand gratification or full on sexual intercourse then she would be ruined. So therefore, Edythe would not laugh merrily that someone would think this but would be horrified and scared.

I have no issue with a woman owning her sexuality but it just doesn’t work here due to historical context. Sadly, Meyer is allergic to research so would have no idea.

We then have Beau taking the longest ever description of blushing to extremes. I am so slamming this with a sexism point and I will slam him one every time we get this as this is just stupid now. MEN BLUSH!!!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 60

Edythe doesn’t give a shit that her Edwardian Lady Honour is in the dregs and just walks off cockily when Beau asks her what he should do. She just laughs at him and says that she can’t wait to hear what he comes up with.

She is an Edwardian woman who would never say that! Research is your friend, you goddamn hack!!!!

We then get a wonderful description of her tiny and dainty hand brushing away his man hair. She then uses her dimples as weapons once again which makes no sense. Beau then describes himself as being tasered which I can only assume is a metaphor for an erection.

He walks into class and OH NOES! McKayla is smiling at him but doesn’t think she is happy to see him.

Cat

McKayla starts questioning him about the film and thinks he skipped out on it for Edythe and used being lost as a charade. Beau is appalled! No idea why as he is always lying so makes sense to me. McKayla sniffs which Beau interprets as her not believing him. I wouldn’t believe you too. Beau now needs to be an arsehole and change the subject:

“That was really cool that you went out with Jeremy on Monday,” I said changing the subject. “He said it was great.” Or I was sure he would have, if I’d asked about it.”

You are such a raging prick! How you have friends is beyond me!?

We then have McKayla ask him if that it is true and if he can pinky promise? He then tells her if Jeremy thinks that she is like the coolest girl in school but don’t say anything as it’s like so totally against the man code.

I asked my man partner as he has experience of being a teenage man cub which I am lacking as I am a female with ovaries and according to Meyer I wouldn’t know man code things. I quoted to him this entire section and he said that it sounds like a woman trying to write a male teenage man cub character. He said that his experience as a former man cub surrounded by other man cubs don’t use crap such as “man codes” and wouldn’t say that to a female person as it just sounds and I quote “stupid”. This is just pure Match Maker Sue! The Suethor feels the need to make every character matched up (heterosexually, of course) but Meyer had to give it the man touch by using stupid phrases that don’t fit.

They then start walking somewhere together and McKayla asks again if he is going to the dance and that he can hang out with her group if he likes. All seems friendly to me but Beau still feels the need to piss and moan about it.

WAHHHH!!! 65

It’s been a while since we have seen that count, probably because Beau was too busy being dazzled to whine. We then have McKayla informing Beau that Taylor still thinks that her and Beau are attending prom together. Beau is SHOCKED!! He asks McKayla what he should do and McKayla speaks some sense:

“Tell her you’re not taking her.”

Beau, can’t do something as forward and honest as that. This guy has the spine of a jellyfish but I am meant to believe that he is so brave for frolicking with vampires and pirates. McKayla once again is our voice of reason:

“Man up, Beau. Or rent a tux. Your choice.”

It is really not difficult, just tell her that there must have been some misunderstanding and that you are very sorry for that. Sadly, we don’t get that but some stupid theatrical crap instead. Can’t wait!

He then sits in his little emo crisis and has no idea what to do. I’m so whipping out the genie again:

genie

Beau then decides to talk about his favourite topic: the weather. He is so pleased that it is dark and stormy looking as and I quote:

“There was something better than sunshine.”

I think I may need a vomit bucket. He sounds like a twelve-year-old girl writing about her boy band crush in her unicorn diary. Next up, is Beau sitting next to Jeremy and Meyer feels the need to show us that she so can write other perspectives and characters. I have quoted a lot but this needs to be seen:

“Dang, son,” he said. “Who knew you had that kind of game?”

What in God’s name is that! That just sounds like a pensioner trying to sound hip to connect to all the young whipper-snappers out there. Jeremy is so amazed that he pulled Edythe Cullen as that is amazballs (that is how young people speak, right?)

Jeremy still thinks that them just randomly meeting is bullshit but Beau has to tell us that he isn’t lying as it is obvious when he is lying. No it’s not as you lie all the time! You lie for the sack of lying. I hate it when authors just tell you character traits but then show the complete opposite. I’m not stupid, show me, don’t just tell me.

Beau is then embarrassed that Jeremy has noted how obsessed he is by Edythe. I don’t think any of us are surprised that everyone has noticed his stalker tendencies. Jeremy wants to know if Beau sold his soul to the devil to have pulled Edythe. Yes, he did and why does everyone think she is amazing. She is a rude little snot.

Jeremy bets that it was a pretty wild night for Beau. I must ask why he would think this? She dresses in beige designer gear all the time, doesn’t socialise with anyone, and gets the best grades. That doesn’t make me think that she is pretty wild. I know appearances are deceiving but this is going on appearances alone and that message is that she is dull. This is the whole nonsense of trying to make Edward sound like the bad boy to go for the forbidden romance angle but it failed as he was very dull and hardly looked and acted like the typical bad boy.

Jeremy then thinks that they were together all night and Beau is shocked that he could think this. Funny thing is though as that they clearly were as she was most likely sitting there staring at him all night as per usual. Jeremy is then even more shocked that they didn’t even make out and declares their date as really dull. This greatly upsets Beau as they have something more special than that. I think Bella in Breaking Dawn pretty much proves that wrong as she was sex mad and Edward was reduced to a walking dildo while they rutted like sex mad gerbils all night and forgot they have child. I am pretty sure that Beau would be exactly the same.

Jeremy thinks it must be some pity thing, well Beau has the personality of a wet napkin so I am not surprised that Jeremy would think that. Jeremy also thinks that it won’t take long for Edythe to get bored of Beau, again if this story was any way realistic then she would get bored of him pretty quickly. Jeremy once again speaks for all of us and says that he would rather date a normal girl. I don’t blame him as many people aspire to a life of socialisation and growth rather than being stuck with a sparkly and patronising statue. Well, Beau won’t have that!

“I was already irritated. I didn’t like the way he talked about Edythe in general, and the way he said normal really bugged me. No, Edythe wasn’t normal, but that wasn’t because, like his tone seemed to imply, she was something … off or wrong. She was beyond normal, above it. Surpassing it by so much that normal and Edythe weren’t even on the same plane of existence.”

Let’s forget that he knows she is a vampire as he was doing this before he knew. The only thing he based all this nonsense was her looks, nothing about her personality. Also Jeremy has been around her more than you and knows what a snobby little bitch she is and how she thinks she is above everyone else. So no, she is not normal but she is a murdering parasite not a glorius being.

WAHHHH!!! 66

“That’s probably for the best,” I muttered in a hard voice. “Keep your expectations low.”

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 60

I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOU ARE THE MOST CONCEITED AND SHALLOW LITTLE SHIT TO HAVE BEEN SPAT OUT BY SLUGS!!!

I needed that. How dare he sit there and think that! Maybe Jeremy would like to find a girl who has an actual personality and sense of humour then someone who is Beau’s definition of pure beauty but has the personality of an infected leg sore.

Sorry to keep quoting but as you can see this chapter is full of awful quotes:

“He started flipping spastically through his book”

How on earth does Meyer think that was OK to say that?!? I’m not a sensitive, little snowflake but that is offensive and that word is not used. Unless, we just put it down to Beau’s point of view and that he is a nasty wart.

We next get Jeremy thinking (rightly) that Beau is ditching them to stare at Edythe and Beau concludes that clearly this was something guys tell each other and that it was all part of Beau’s mystical man-code. It is so obvious that a sheltered woman wrote this. It’s so forced to show us that Beau is a MAN!!! Beau also says that Jeremy is stupid to think that Beau would be loyal to him. Well yeah, you have no respect of decency to any other human being.

Beau for some stupid reason thinks Taylor is waiting for him a prom dress and tiara. I don’t even know why but he is stupid. Naturally it is Edythe waiting for him as they can’t bear to be separated.

“My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way.”

Hmm…… kinky.

Beau to prove that he is a ‘nice guy’ offers to hold her bag. I really don’t see the point of this. They go to lunch and Beau wonders what he thinks about the Cullens. You have a brain, Beau. Use it!

Archie innocently looks over at Beau and Edythe which causes the latter to get stink face as Beau is hers and no one else’s. This is another instance of Edythe failing as an Edwardian woman. It was very common place for men and women not to spend much time together especially, say after dinner where men would go off to have a brandy and talk man things. It just seems unlikely that she would be this possessive.

Edythe then shows that she has no regard to food wastage and that many survive on foodbanks as she blows $23 on lunch which most will be thrown away as Beau, like Bella can’t eat when surrounded by such beauty. We then get the same stupid conversation of Edythe nibbling pizza. Edythe tells Beau let Jeremy is so confused and that his mind went wild. I won’t rant again but Edythe would be embarrassed by this?! It’s scary how someone can mess up their own cannon so badly. We then get the whole: No, I like you more, No I like you more.

Edythe gets pissy and loathes that he won’t tell her everything floating in his head. Edythe, sweetie, it’s very simple what runs through his head:

Tumbleweed

Rosalie’s hatred has been ramped up to mega bitch levels as Royal as he just openly glaring at them and mentally screaming. I find it odd as it was pretty clear that all Rosalie missed about human life was the ability of having babies, not raising but just babies. She became a scary psycho in Breaking Dawn due to wanting Bella’s baby. Sadly, we will never know.

Meyer loves to tell us about how much the Cullens love each other as a family but they clearly don’t as Edythe is now going on about fighting Royal for thinking thinky things. They then both wank over how obsessed they are with each other. It’s creepy and these people scare me.

They then both have a competition over he thinks about each other more and how Beau dreams of her every night. Meyer may be trying to prove that obsessive love isn’t just a girl thing but she is sure is failing at trying to show this as healthy. They are more obsessive over each other than Bella and Edward, which is frankly worrying. This rag is proving in its own warped way that stalking is romantic and now we get to see into the sick head of another obsessive partner. It’s just creepy and I am shocked he hasn’t made an altar yet and slaughtered a chicken in ode of Edythe.

Three pages to go!!

They then wank over unordinary they are, yes they are unordinary but in a serial killer way. I’m so summing up the next section as it is just the copy pasted crap of Edythe thinking it’s best she leaves but can’t as she loves him and has to protect stalk him.

We then hear that Taylor has already bought her dress for prom which is to make her sound like a bunny boiler. Maybe she bought her dress in a sale to save money? This is just for Beau and Edythe to laugh at that pathetic human girl who could even dare think she has a chance with the awesome Beau.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 61

Well, turns I was right about the sale but it is to laugh at her poorness as it is also second hand. Ergh, poor people are icky. They then decide to go somewhere else for their date and Edythe really wishes that he would tell Charlie to give her some incentive not to outright murder him.

Who said romance is dead?

Anyway, they talk about eating bears and there are is a mistake that should have been changed. People laughed about how Emmett hunted Grizzly bears as they killed him in the 1920s, well it has been said by many that there are no Grizzly bears in Tennessee so that is silly. In the guide it was changed to Black bears but here it is back to Grizzly.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 26

Edythe says that they usually eat deer but that’s no fun as she is a psychopath who loves to torture her food before killing it. Isn’t that how serial killers usually start out? Interesting. They then witter on about how Beau can never see her hunt and then we finally end the chapter that never seemed to end!!

Next up is more pointless filler but we are at the halfway point so yay!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 9 “You Want to Murder Me? That’s Hot!!”

Last time we saw Beau and Edythe having a ‘date’ and it was dull as dirt and gross as it was filled with Meyer fapping over Edythe. I needed a bleach bath after that. Now is time for them to drive home and copy and pasted talking. Thrilling!

Edythe starts by being a patronising snot and getting annoyed that Beau wants her to clarify something for him. He wants to know how she found him and she replies that she followed his scent. Beau asks more about the whole mind reading ability which seems fair to me as I would want to know more. Sadly, there is nothing really new to comment on as it is just the same old conversation of how Edythe can hear someone’s mind better when she is tuned to them but she mostly ignores it. It’s boring in all honesty as at least the new stuff is so stupid that I can easily comment on it but this is just copy and pasting.

We get the same nonsense of wondering why Edythe can’t read Beau’s mind and he thinks he is a freak. Oh don’t worry Beau, you are just a special little snowflake that is just too awesome for humanity.

““Holy crow!” I shouted.”

I put that quote there as even though it is in the original text it still sounded odd coming from a modern teenager. I’m not saying he should swear but that phrase sounds very old fashioned. Considering the majority of the changes were words that she didn’t like then I am surprised this stayed.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 24

We get the exact same nonsense of Edythe driving really fast as physics doesn’t affect vampires. She is so awesome that she isn’t affected by pleb things like black ice.

“Her skin was so soft – not that it had any give at all, no, but soft like me.”

Her skin can’t be soft as she is a rock. Blankets are soft!

Once again, this is all just copy and pasted which is boring. We get a few new inserts but all they are is just how radiant and beautiful the Goddess Edythe is while he tries to tell her that he knows she is a vampire. Beau, like Bella still drops the Quileutes in the shit by telling Edythe that they told him. That’s great Beau, tell their enemies that they squealed after you promised not to say anything. I’m sure that will go over really well. Oh wait! We know how Edward reacted in Midnight Sun so I am sure Edythe is the same:

“I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead…”

Well isn’t that just lovely! I am sure we can all root for a protagonist who condones and will happily commit genocide. Why am I supposed to like these horrible people?!

They then pad the word count by refusing to use the word vampire. I am honestly convinced that Meyer has stolen the next quote from the awesome that is Harry Potter:

“Sometimes I think not saying it makes it more powerful.”

I think we know what I mean when that reminds me of Harry Potter:

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”
Harry Potter and the Philosphers Stone

This is a constant issue in the Harry Potter series where all the wizards and witches are terrified of using Voldemort’s name. It created fear and mystique to his persona which is why Dumbledore encouraged others to say his name. Well, both Voldemort and Edythe are genocidal maniacs so they do fit together in that category. I don’t know but it just seems like this copying from something far better than this rag.

Beau finally says the word ‘vampire’ in his dramatic ways to increase tension. It failed. Beau then says he did some research on vampires, not really as you looked at one dodgy website. That’s like Ana Steele going on about all the research she did on BDSM which consisted of one whole Wikipedia page.

Beau then says it doesn’t matter because he is stupid and Edythe becomes a “shrill” harpy. Women get all shrill when angry, probably on their periods or something.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 56

She screeches about how she is a monster and yes Edythe, you are, in many ways. Beau then decides to stroke her hand and she asks what he is thinking. Beau, our inquisitive and intelligent protagonist who has had confirmation that vampires are real says this:

“Um…nothing, really.”

Wow! I really don’t know what to say. That is just so beyond ridiculous and stupid. Surely your mind would be whirring away with what you found out but Beau is just sitting there like this:

homershead2

We then get the same conversation of Beau asking Edythe how old she is and she says seventeen. Like I said, it’s the exact same conversation. However, we do get something new:

“Her world was where I wanted to be.”

Woah Boy! That was bloody quick! At least Bella waited until after James mauled her to decide she wanted to give everything up to become a sparkly and rich vampire. This is almost makes Bella look more sensible with her vampire decisions. Bella barely knew Edward but Jesus Tap Dancing Christ she at least spent some time with him before deciding. This! What is this! You have literally just had it confirmed that she is a blood sucking vampire, you don’t even know yet that she doesn’t murder innocent people for food as she could have lied to the tribe but you now want to be a vampire. My God!! You don’t know anything as she said most of the myths were wrong but hasn’t answered any other questions. We haven’t even had your stupid declaration of love yet or meadow frolicking. This is so beyond stupid and my brain hurts. He is more stupid than Bella!!

Next is the same copy and pasted nonsense of them going through each myth like the very modern concept of burning in the sun. Beau is just as brain dead as Bella as he didn’t even think about the vampire diet. Really?! How stupid are you!? That’s the biggest aspect of vampires you brain dead moron!!

She confirms what Jules said about them not eating people but she admits they make some mistakes. Me eating a pack of doughnuts on a diet is a mistake, murdering people for food is not the same. Edythe says that it is a dangerous mistake for Beau to be in her car. Beau is terrified of this but not because he is sane and thinks she could murder him but because she might leave him. Oh noes!

We get the same nonsense of Beau asking why they only eat animals. Oh, I don’t know Beau! Maybe because murder is wrong? Edythe says that she doesn’t want to be a monster, well you are but at least you are pretending to care about human life.

Beau then goes on about how she isn’t hungry now due to her eyes being petrol gauges. They then discuss her strength and I can hear Meyer fapping again:

spider man2

We then get Edythe going on about how she was terrified that her little button may have got hurt at the beach. Seems very childlike to me and therefore creepy. We then get the hint of future sparkling and Beau telling Edythe how terrified he was that his little snooky-pie may have left him when she didn’t attend school on Monday.

Edythe then says that all of this is wrong and she will probably end up murdering him. Still won’t stop you sneaking into his bedroom and staring at him like a creepy little stalker. Beau says that he doesn’t care which makes Edythe tell him that he is stupid. Yes, he really is as he doesn’t seem to care that she might outright murder him. He sounds like those people who get engaged to murderers on death row thinking their love will change them. Sadly, this would most likely end badly with that person buried in the basement. I am so sick of this trope of fixing the bad boy/girl with love as it just doesn’t work. I discussed this at length in my analysis of Christian Grey:

https://literaturemasochist.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/christian-grey-its-not-stalking-if-he-is-handsome-rolls-eyes/?frame-nonce=793bb554f0

Beau decides to inform us that his neck has lots of crimson blotches (he really says that). The padded blushing descriptions are really getting on my nerves. Beau asks if he will see her tomorrow and she asks if he wants to see her. His reply is, well:

“”More than anything else I’ve ever wanted.” It was pathetic how obviously true the words were. So much for playing hard to get.”

1. Yes, you are pathetic! You have had at most four brief conversations with her that left you irritated.
2. You sound like a whiney twelve-year-old.
3. When did you ever play hard to get? You have been drooling over her like a moron since you met.

They arrive back at Charlie’s house and Beau asks if she can save him a seat for lunch. It is really puke worthy as they sound about five years old. He then proceeds to stare at her face while repeating the same nonsense about how her ever ending beauty and how it is just too painful to look at but yet he can’t stop. I can imagine him sailing straight into the rocks of the Sirens because they are just so pretty.

Edythe then spazzes out all of a sudden over Beau’s blood even though she has been fine for the entire chapter. He begs to know what he can do to help her not murder him and she just says not to go into the woods alone. Well, that is helpful. Beau is shocked to know what she knew he wandered around in the woods.

SHE IS STALKING YOU!!

It’s really not difficult to figure out. They say their goodbyes while Beau huffs her breath like superglue. She finally leaves him at the door and Beau goes in to have some sort of interaction with his father. Charlie asks why he is back so soon and Beau just shrugs. Charlie says the scarf he is wearing looks goofy. Men do wear scarfs, I knitted my person a lovely scarf that he wears every winter. I was chuffed to hear that loads of his co-workers (men) liked it too and wanted me to make scarves for them. So this is just stupid.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 57

Beau decides to go to bed and decides that we are so stupid that we must have forgotten what has happened in the last chapter and decides to recap for us. Beau then feels the need to huff the scarf as he is a very strange creature.

We are about to end this chapter and it is pretty infamous due to the stupidity of the words. If you need reminding, then this is how the chapter ends in Twilight:

“My mind still swirled dizzily, full of images I couldn’t understand, and some I fought to repress. Nothing seemed clear at first, but as I fell gradually closer to unconsciousness, a few certainties became evident.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Now we have this:

“There were a few things I knew for sure. For one, Edythe was an actual vampire. For another, there was part of her that saw me as food. But in the end, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that I loved her, more than I’d ever imagined it was possible to love anything. She was everything I wanted, the only thing I would ever want.”

Wow! I am going to have to tackle this in bullet points:

• The first two points sounded far more natural for a teenager then Bella’s ever did. It didn’t sound as formal and bloated.
• My God! At least Bella’s declaration while stupid was at least short.
• More than you could possibly love anything? That annoys me as we know that their love will be like Bella and Edward which is a love better than you will ever have. How about the love of a child, friend or parent? These books only seem to focus on romantic love and that is the best love. Renesmee doesn’t count as Bella treated her like a show dog to make herself look better.
• How on earth do you love her? You have barely interacted? This is still ridiculous and annoys me. She has been nothing but rude and patronizing to you but now you love her above anything else, even your own parents.
• You are seventeen!! How on earth do you know that she is the only thing that you would ever want.
• I believe it’s because she is a vampire and therefore your ticket to beauty, riches and immortality but wants to convince himself that he isn’t shallow but loves her for who she is even though he knows nothing about her. Just as shallow as Bella.

Thankfully that is the end of the chapter! At least we have left the realms of WHAT COULD SHE BE?! Yes, we get to see him go on about how their love is better than yours but at least we have got away from the previous nonsense.

Next time is Chapter 10 which is just them talking to each other some more. Exciting stuff!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 8 Part 2 “Where is My Dazzling?!”

After a lengthy break, I am back with this awful mess of a book. So last time in our story Beau was almost murdered by the stupidest pirate/gangsters known to man and Edythe saved him which makes me sad. I wish I had a Drama Llama count as that section would have hit 1,000,000 points as it was so melodramatic. So this week will see Beau forgetting his traumatic encounter in about thirty seconds as ZOMG!! HE HAS A DATE WITH EDYTHE GODDESS CULLEN!!!111!!1!!

So Beau and Edythe are sitting in the car after his epic escape from death! Beau is proving himself as much a doormat as Bella as he thinks Edythe is mad at him. Oh I don’t know Beau; it may be because you were almost clubbed to death by dumb arse pirates! He calms her down by holding her hand as she wants to go and murder those pirates as they threatened her precious Beau. Nothing says love like revenge fuelled murder.

Oh, he has to tell us how silky smooth her arm is as we really needed to know that. I am so quoting the next section as it is stupid and made me want to vomit:

Slowly, the tension in her face started to relax until it was smooth and blank as a statue. A beautiful statue, carved by an artistic genius. Aphrodite, maybe. Was that the one who was supposed to be the goddess of beauty?”

  1. Aphrodite is mainly known for being the Greek Goddess of Love with the added bonus of being stunningly beautiful. However, most of the Greek Goddesses are described as being beautiful. Know your Classics!
  2. I really don’t think a seventeen-year-old boy with raging hormones would describe a woman as a statue of Aphrodite carved by an artistic genius. He would be focusing on a modern source of beauty; I would even take descriptions of 1950s starlets like Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe at a push. He will happily describe The Rock but yet resorts to Classical Mythology for Edythe? It just sounds very off to me. American Pie is an awful film but shows what horny little buggers teenage boys can be. Even that is more realistic then this nonsense and that film is horrendous.
  3. GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE CUCUMBER, MEYER!?! It could not be more obvious that you are pausing a ‘dramatic’ situation to wank over your self-insert Edythe. It’s gross!!

We then get Beau sniffing the air like a dog so he can huff Edythe. I hate this book. He then feels sad as she thinks it’s best if they don’t hold hands right now. Edythe then decides that she is The Godfather:

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to forgive easily when someone…offends me.”

 I think Dr. Frank N. Furter is going to wake up with a horse’s head in her bed tomorrow. Once again, this just sounds off. That sounds like a person from a Sicilian Mafia background in the 1940s, not an Edwardian and Middle Class woman.

Beau proceeds to be a dumb arse by thinking he offended her. She tells him that of course not. Well, I am offended! I wanted you to die by gangster/pirate. Edythe explains to him that Long Jane Silver was planning on murdering him. Thankfully he did figure this out too, considering they were considerate enough to explain their plans to him.

She then goes on about how nobody is murdered in Port Angeles and he is just so unlucky/special to have almost been murdered. Well, Port Angeles is a safe town but murders do occur, looks about one a year since 2010 but there are also other violent crimes that have been reported. Edythe is making it sound like Beau almost ruined Utopia.

Edythe asks Beau again if she can go back to rip their heads off and dance on their corpses but he says no. It’s funny as Edward never asked Bella for permission and just ignored her. It seems odd that now Edward is Edythe, then this big strong vampire still needs a MAN to give her permission to rip people’s heads off.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 49

 Next up is Beau being a total moron by wondering how could this puny woman go back and tackle those pirates and how would she get there when they had driven miles away.

*Face Palm*

Normally, I would say that this would be a logical thought process except that Beau was already eager to accept she was a vampire and would not be dissuaded away from seeing Edythe travel at the speed of light when the Van of Death came hurtling at him and that she crushed it. It just seems like Meyer wants to ramp up the whole: WHAT COULD SHE BE!?!

Well I know she is a vampire so this is just getting on my nerves. Then he decides to think of vampires so I stand by that he is a moron as he clearly forget when he was fondling her smooth yet slim arm.

We then get Edythe defying the laws of physics by parking in a space too small for her car in one simple move. Vampires are better than you! Beau feels the need to be surprised that a woman’s voice sounds menacing. Pah! As if a chick could sound be threatening. They sound like delicate little mouse squeaks.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 50

 Now we have Jeremy and Allen being shocked, amazed, dazzled and awestruck that Beau could be with THE Edythe Cullen. Like, wow, man. I also think they both got automatic boners judging by their reactions. They ask her if she would like to come to the cinema but they have trouble saying her name as it’s Edythe Cullen yo!

The next bit sounds painful and maybe a new vampire power:

“She leaned on the frame and threw her dimples at them.”

I guess vampire can throw random body features at them. Squash it in the dirt, Jeremy! She says that she has already seen the film even though no one said what the film actually was but the blood has drained from their brains into their erections so that they can’t speak.

“She smiled directly at Jeremy now. “Will it ruin your night if I make Beau take me to dinner?” 

  1. If you reverse the genders, then that sounds weirdly rapey. Just another double standard in this world as it is clearly OK here. I wonder why that is:
  2. As if a woman could take a man out! That is just crazy talk. Next they will want the vote or something as stupid as that.
  3. Why can’t she just say that she and Beau would like to go for dinner and would they mind. Is that so hard?

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 51

I know it’s for different reasons but Jeremy sums up my thoughts to this nonsense and it seems a shame not to quote him:

“The hell?” 

They next spend too long discussing whether they want to eat and then they decide to go to an Italian restaurant. Beau decides that this is a real date. I am not sure why but Beau then needs to bitch about those human toads he was forced to go on group dates with and never wanted to see them again. I am almost certain that those girls felt the same after having to spend time with you.

WAHHHH!!! 63

 Beau decides to be a judgemental prick by insulting the server and saying that he is goofy and smarmy and for some strange reason bows to Edythe. I am almost convinced that Beau is just imagining that the waiter is ignoring him as waiters usually rely on tips to supplement their wages. Now as much as I don’t like to say it, I have to as it is common that men generally pay for meals if it looks like a date as it is seen by many as common courtesy. So if we go by these standards then the waiter is a moron as he should assume that Beau as the MAN would most likely be paying and therefore the one who decides what to tip. I still think that Beau is making this up though as he loves to look like the victim.

WAHHHH!!! 64

Edythe decides to look like a noveau-riche arse by slipping the waiter money for a different table. Servers generally don’t care if you want a different table. This is just to show us how rich and therefore awesome Edythe is.

Now in Twilight we just have the servers batting their lady eyelashes to show Edward their attraction but now that Meyer is Edythe, we need something more dramatic and by that I mean stupid. Observe:

“Something thudded a couple of times on the other side of the partition, like the sound of someone tripping over his own feet and then recovering,”

 What the ever loving hell is that!?! Am I meant to believe that Edythe is just so dazzling and beautiful that every man becomes a pathetic mess that can’t speak because the blood from their brain has drained to their penis but now the blood from their legs have drained to their penis. This is far worse than Twilight which is really saying something.

Now we have the infamous DAZZLING section. Erm.. yay?

”That wasn’t very nice.”

She stared at me, surprised. “What do you mean?”

“Whatever that thing you do is – with the dimples and the hypnotizing or whatever. That guy could hurt himself trying to get back to the door.” 

She half-smiled. “I do a thing?”

Like you don’t know the effect you have on people.”

“I suppose I can think of a few effects…” Her expression went dark for a tiny second, but then it cleared and she smiled. “But no one’s ever accused me of hypnotism by dimples before.””

WHERE IS MY GODDAMN DAZZLING!?!

I actually feel sad, even though the conversation in the original was stupid yet the dazzling made me giggle. This is just lame and dull. I am sad as I actually want my dazzling.

We then get more wanking from Meyer as the waiter is awestruck that such a beautiful and DAZZLING angel could walk this earth among us. I want to puke again. Sadly, it gets worse after they order their Cokes:

“He actually wobbled, like he was going to keel over.”

This is just beyond disgusting now. People don’t act like this in front of people they find attractive. Also I am so sick and tired of how all of us humans must find Edythe so attractive while completely disregarding personal taste. Also due to the Guide we are informed that vampires are:

  • Bleached white (corpse white), if you were a person of any sort of colour then you may have a slight olive tone. This means everyone in this mess is attracted to the whitest of white. I think we all see a glaring issue there. Seems like blatant racism to me.
  • All featuring marks on the skin are gone such as tattoos, freckles and scars. Yes, some people may like the no scars as they usually indicate an accident, illness or self-harm but also they do show what we have been through in our lives. Tattoos are self-expression and art, there are many people who find them extremely attractive. Then we have freckles, once again many people love freckles. These are all marks that make a person unique. These just sound like those creepy sex dolls that have no blemishes.
  • They are described as having angular features. Once again this is purely personal taste and not what every person ever finds attractive. Stop it!
  • Now, there is no description in the guide about what the venom does to body fat but most vampires are described in model thin terms. The only one who isn’t is Siobhan but she is described as very tall and burly (heavily implying muscle not fat). So there are no vampires who are plus sized and what doesn’t help is Meyer stating in the guide that vampires only really change humans when they are beautiful *cough* Bella *cough*. So that sounds like that plus size is not beautiful, only slim or in the case of men then it is still slim with the exception of Emmett and Felix who are huge and muscly.

So therefore according to Meyer the most attractive combination for someone is that they are white, slim, unblemished and angular.

WOW!

I am going to run away from that as fast possible as that is so beyond racist, sizest and god knows what else but it can’t be good.

So they decide to conduct awkward small talk and we get this:

““Shall we talk about what happened tonight?”

“Huh?”

“Your near-death experience? Or did you already forget?”

“Oh.” Actually, I had.”

You are a Goddamn MORON!!! I know it is meant to be that he is so DAZZLED by Edythe that he forgot but that just made him look so mind numbingly stupid that I want to lie down.

Beau decides to squee like a chipmunk because he is so happy as he gets to stare at Edythe.  We get the same crap of Beau not going into shock because he is so special and unique but it is clearly because he has the biggest hard on for Edythe and that’s all he can think of.

Beau orders the mushroom ravioli and Edythe offers him her drink. Meyer felt like we as readers are too stupid to realise that Edythe is a vampire even though we know what Twilight was about so she felt the need to add this:

I’m not going to drink it.’ She said, and her tone added the duh.”

WE KNOW!!!

For the love of God, we have six pages left!! I need food.

Well, I had a bowl of nachos so I am very happy. Oh, wait I’m not as I’m recapping this. Beau decides to tell us in excruciating detail in what Edythe is wearing. I can sum it up quite easily: beige. I am thrilled.

Now instead of a jacket that Edward gives to Bella to keep her warm, well Edythe gives Beau a scarf but don’t you dare for one second think that it is a lady scarf! Beau is a man and can’t wear lady things, even if it is just a scarf and that would make him this:

(Strangely enough, I couldn’t find the film version of this song in full but the actor in the London stage was fantastic!)

Can’t have that! Luckily the scarf is Archie’s so that means Beau’s manhood stays intact. Phew! Beau puts the damn scarf on and goes on about how awesome it is. 

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 52

We get a brief interlude from Edythe telling us that Archie has fabulous taste. We then get the conversation of how amazing it is that Beau hasn’t gone into shock after some pirates wanted to stove his brains in with a pipe. No, it’s not amazing. Beau is just determined to compete in the Darwin Awards.

We get the same crap of them being awkward and Edythe asks him if he has made any progress on any new theories. Well someone outright told him if that counts? Also Meyer felt the need to pad the word count even more by talking about how the red is creeping up his neck. Just say blushing. PLEASE!!

I’m summing up a few pages as it is the same nonsense as before. He wants to know why she was in Port Angeles; she was stalking protecting stalking him. She then goes on about how tough it is keeping him alive and Beau says it is like the Final Destination films. Well, Meyer clearly knows bugger all about those films as the whole point of them is that you may be able to cheat death but you can’t escape death. When your number is up then death will find you. Beau is special though and can escape death.

We then get the same nonsense of Edythe saying his number was up when they met and that makes Beau sad as she is fit!

Number One Darwin Award Winner goes to Beaufort Swan.

*Polite Applause*

We then have Edythe saying she reads minds as she has to save Beau as he is special. Edythe then says that’s why she wanted to have dinner with him because if not then her HellBitch tendencies would be unleashed and she would rip off their heads. She needed the calming influence of her man to lessen her rage. Funny how Edward doesn’t say that, he just wanted to feed Bella before she fainted in his arms from womanly shock.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 53

They then decide to leave and Beau gets out his wallet but Edythe says that it’s her treat! OMG!!! Women don’t pay for stuff, what is this hippy nonsense? Well Meyer writes one of the funniest lines ever:

“Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.”

 PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

These books are so beyond sexist that that line cracked me up.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 54 (On Principal)

Edythe then looks pissed that he opened the door for her as she is a strong and independent woman! Yeah right.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 55

 Edythe now gives Beau permission to ask her some questions. Thankfully that is the end of this chapter.

Next time is Beau and Edythe discussing vampirism and how shocking it is that Edythe is one. Thankfully most of it is copy and pasted from Twilight so shouldn’t take so long.

Happy Blogging!

 

‘Beauty and the Beast’ Film Review: A Happily Ever After Until the Guillotine.

beauty and the beast

Good afternoon everyone! I am pausing ‘Life and Death’ for this review and this has the added bonus of delaying the awful scene where Beau has his ‘date’ with Edythe. Blergh!

So on with this review. I know it’s been out for over a month now so this is probably pretty late but my Mum was working nights and was too busy fighting consciousness to be up to seeing the film and didn’t think she would appreciate me elbowing her in the ribs if she fell asleep during the film. So now my Mum is able to stay conscious during the day we went off to the cinema to see how one of my favourite Disney films was adapted for live action.

I did enjoy it! Yet, I am still a bitter harpy who criticises all that is good in this world so there will be moaning criticism. However, let’s go through each point.

The Acting

This section is to discuss the acting and actors who appeared in the film as the title suggests but there will be two characters who will have their own section as there is lots to discuss.

gaston

I thought Luke Evans made a fantastic Gaston! He fulfilled the arrogant, peacock persona perfectly. I honestly thought he was perfect and I loved it as I love Gaston as a villain. He was fleshed out and I just loved him even more, especially during the ‘The Mob Song’ as that is a perfect villain song and he sang it with pure venom and gusto.

beast

I also thought Dan Stevens was brilliant and he was one of the actors I was concerned about as I always thought his performance as Matthew Crawley in ‘Downton Abbey’ was wooden and dull. I never liked his character as the acting was scarily dull. I know most won’t agree with me, my aunt loved him but she was obsessed with Downton so I don’t think she would ever have criticised anything about it. However, in this film I thought he made a perfect Beast. He was cocky and arrogant in the beginning which seemed very real. Yet as the film progresses, so does his character. There is far more characterisation and Dan Stevens portrays him as a witty, intelligent and a kind person. He doesn’t just flip from grumpy to good but there is genuine character growth.

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I was also impressed with Lumiere, Cogsworth and everyone else who was turned into objects. Sir Ian McKellen was a perfect choice for Cogsworth as he could produce that bossy yet middle class accent that fit well to the character. I was concerned about Ewan McGregor as Lumiere for reasons unknown to me. My baseless concerns were completely unfounded as he played the flirty candle to perfection.

I wasn’t keen on Emma Thompson’s portrayal as Mrs Potts as she seemed to be trying too hard to sound like the awesome that is Angela Lansbury. I don’t want a carbon copy of the old characters, both McKellen and McGregor made those roles their own but I just felt that I was seeing a copy-cat of the previous Mrs Pott with Thompson not attempting to put her stamp on the role. It honestly grated me and I would rather that Angela Lansbury just came back to voice the role again. I know it would look odd for a ninety-year old woman to have a young son but meh, she could be his guardian. I can dream!!

Le Fou

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Next up is Josh Gad. I was dreading his portrayal as he really gets on my nerves and if you have read my review of ‘Frozen’ then you’ll know why:

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THIS THINGS HAUNTS MY DREAMS!!!!

One day I will force him into a slushy machine and laugh maniacally. I know he isn’t real but let me dream.

I hate that Goddamn snowman so much, so I just instantly associate Josh Gad with that God awful creature. It also didn’t help that I saw a countdown of the greatest Disney songs and his awful song was in the top ten. Gad kept going on about how ‘Frozen’ is the best thing ever and how that pustule (I refuse to name it) was one of the best parts about it. He went on and on and on and on and on about the awesome that is that trash of a film. I honestly wanted to puke and throw things at the same time. So yes, I’m sure you can see why I was not looking forward to hearing that voice in a movie I was excited about.

Well, I was partially wrong. I thought he was much better with his portrayal of Le Fou then I thought he would. He was still a sycophantic twit but he played that well. His rendition of ‘Gaston’ was very good and had the umph that the original had. They made him more sympathetic and had him change sides when Gaston basically dumps him.

However, I do have issues with his character and that is the statement that he is Disney’s first openly gay character.

I must ask to those who opposed of this and said that Disney shouldn’t sexualise children’s films: HOW ON EARTH DID YOU NEVER REALISE IN THE ORIGINAL?!?! It was so obvious in the original that how people were shocked was beyond me.

What gets to me was that they announced it as such a huge thing, which under the right circumstances should be a huge thing as it would be nice to see an openly gay character in a Disney film as shockingly enough, gay people do exist and representation is a step in the right direction when it is a good representation. Yet, when it was realised that it was just Le Fou awkwardly and accidentally dancing with a man for twenty seconds and his constant slobbering over Gaston is considered land mark then I would say meh and are you freaking kidding me?!

Le Fou, may have been given slightly more molarity then his cartoon counterpart but still. He is just a walking talking stereotype. He loves singing and dancing, he is in love with his good looking straight friend and then dances with the one man who seemed to love being dressed as a woman by the attacking wardrobe. As gay men love dressing as women, am I right?

*HEAD DESK*

It just seems very stereotypical and lazy to me to boast about an openly gay character, who isn’t even open about his sexuality! He never ever says that he is gay and avoids the topic when Gaston asks him why the women of the town haven’t snapped him up. That isn’t open, yes the time period would explain why he isn’t open but there is also a goat man living down the road so who knows! I feel like Disney thought that to get the hype for the film then they needed to be controversial which again is sad as it’s 2017 and homosexuality shouldn’t be controversial now but sadly it is to many out there. Then they have the gall to back track and say it isn’t a big scene to prevent certain countries for banning it due to homosexual content which would naturally attack their pockets. Make up your mind! It just seems offensive to me that once again a gay man is being used as the goofy sidekick created for the giggles. If Disney wants to make huge statements like that then why not create a character who isn’t a walking stereotype to laugh at but a fully-fledged character who is gay. I think it needs to be a nice mix of acknowledging a character’s sexuality to add to representation but also a character who is not defined as being homosexual as their only character trait. The minute that the nameless villager seemed pleased to be dressed as a woman, I knew that he would be the one to have the seconds lasting dance with Le Fou. It was depressing to be proven right. It felt like:

HAHA!! HE LIKES DRESSING AS A WOMAN BECAUSE HE IS GAY!! LAUGH DAMMIT!!! LAUGH!!

Stereotypes are annoying and it is 2017, let’s see decent representation for once.

Enough of me ranting here, I have other issues to rant about such as:

Belle

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I had a feeling when it was announced that I wouldn’t like Emma Watson’s portrayal as Belle. In my own personal opinion, I really can’t stand her as an actress. I find her very wooden, stuffy and patronising. I really cannot stand her portrayal of Hermione Granger as I just wanted to slap her for her constant attitude and Mary Sueness. I honestly tried to keep my mind open to her playing Belle. I really did!

I still didn’t like her. If I was the Baker, I would have thrown a stale loaf at her head when she mocks him for his boring and provincial life. I did love that he looked at her with real shade when she said that. It was beautiful. I know she was singing the original lines but she just came across as even more patronising and snotty than the original. I kept thinking that the reason why people don’t like you Belle and think you’re odd is because you walk around with your skirt tucked into your bloomers which would be like me strolling around town with my skirt tucked into my knickers on purpose.

Me being a bitter shrew-harpy hybrid did laugh when she loves ‘Romeo and Juliet’ as such a wonderful romance. You are meant to be well read and intelligent, it is not a goddamn romance!!! Shakespeare was making a point about how stupid teenagers are about their first loves. My God!! Know your literature!! Pointless rant there, maybe, but I don’t care as it annoyed me.

I found Emma Watson as wooden and patronising as Belle as much as Hermione. She looked like she was crying for the sake of it when the Beast died and I didn’t get any emotion from her acting. It just felt like she was crying because she was told too. She had an air of complete superiority to those around her and I don’t find that likeable.

I felt like I was drowning in Mary Sues. I felt the changes to make Belle into an inventor and removing Chip as the saviour at the end to making Belle the hero after being locked away was just a constant drum beat of:

BELLE IS AMAZING, INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL AND MORE AMAZING!!! WORSHIP HER AND LICK HER BOOTS!!!

I have said it numerous times, I will not blindly love a character because I am told too. I also hate characters that have no flaws what so ever and Belle has zero. They are just faux-flaws such as being odd but that just means that she is so special and different than all those bloody plebs.

It truly is a comfort to know that as a film set in pre-revolutionary France where we see Belle become an aristocrat means that she will be guillotined in Paris. Vive la Révolution!

In conclusion to that rant I would say that my concerns with Emma Watson were completely founded but that is my opinion. My Mum loved her.

The Songs

I think the songs were artfully done, especially those that focused on Gaston. Have I mentioned how awesome he is? Yes, well I am doing it again. ‘Gaston’ truly brought the old hunting pub scene to life, I loved the feet stamping as it seemed to fit the song perfectly. The same as ‘The Mob Song’ as I explained earlier. I did enjoy Belle’s songs but it did seem auto-tuned to an inch of its life when it came to Belle. I can’t sing, I sound like a bag of cats hitting the wall but even I could tell that Watson was a weak singer. I just wonder if Disney should go for people who are trained in acting and singing rather than a well-known face to put bums on seats as famous doesn’t always equal great.

There were some new songs added that appeared in the Broadway adaption but I am creature of habit (Aspergers) so I personally wasn’t keen on the new songs as I don’t like new songs in a piece that I know well as it confuses me and therefore bores me.

My other criticism is that ‘Gaston Reprise’ wasn’t included which made me very sad as I love that bit.

All in all, though the songs were theatrical and fabulous!

New Additions

We had some extra plot thrown in as the original was only 89 minutes and this had to hit at least two hours. Some good and some well, not so much.

The first addition I liked was extending the opening scene. I enjoyed seeing the prince as a pampered popinjay who laughed in an old lady’s face while he frolicked at his ball as it added growth and solved one of the big issues with the original. There has always been dispute over the Beast’s real age which led to many believing he was eleven when cursed and was just following standard Stranger Danger protocol. This film fixed that though as he was an adult when cursed but the Beast was frozen in time. This always helped with the gaping plot hole of how nobody seemed to notice a whacking great castle on the door step of a village as it was explained that the villager’s minds were wiped of all knowledge of the castle and its inhabitants. I like filling in plot holes, it makes me very happy as continuity is important.

I have gone a whole paragraph without complaining. This must be fixed at once!

I was not keen on the backstory of Belle’s deceased mother. Don’t get me wrong, this is a huge trope in Disney due to Walt Disney’s personal history where he felt responsible for his mother’s death when he bought his parent’s house but the gas pipes were faulty and she died as a result. I felt like I was being smacked in the head with a log with the constant decrees that Belle’s mother was so special and different and amazing and unique and special again and again. This is why Belle is so special but it is a truth universally known that mothers of Mary Sue’s have to be dead as they are Sue’s themselves so the universe would implode if two existed at the same time but Sue Law also decrees that the Sue Mother must die tragically for the current Mary Sue to piss and moan about. The key to the Sue Law is that the Mary Sue never knew the Special Sue Mother as that provides more angst. The Sue Law is absolute.

This is why I am convinced Belle will have a daughter before the guillotine as any child of hers would be a raging Mary Sue and for the safety of the universe one must go.

We also found out that the Sue Mother (she has no name, unless I forgot as I didn’t care, so she is now the Sue Mother) died of the Plague as it needed to be dramatic to provide extra angst as the Beast seems to have a TARDIS for some strange reason. I don’t know why, reasons I guess. So we get to see the Sue Mother die of the Plague while Belle tries to look sad but she is probably just pleased so she didn’t have to fight to the death for the role of Head Sue. I did look at it up and it seems like dying of the Plague in pre-revolutionary France was rare as it pretty much died out a 100 years before. Meh, Sue Mother needed to die dramatically as the common cold wouldn’t be angsty enough. It just seemed like pointless filler to me and I smelt like Mary Sue all day (it’s sickly sweet, if you must know).

In Conclusion

I honestly did enjoy the film and would watch it again. It was a clever reimagining of the original and I am sure I will like it far more than the adaptation of ‘Mulan’. Honestly, how can you not put the songs in it!? How else will I know what makes a man?

Enough nonsense, I did enjoy this but I will still not call it perfect and worship it as there were glaring issues with this film and I hope I have highlighted them well. However, I will still keep my dream of Belle being beheaded as that is just me.

Next time, I will finally finish that awful chapter of ‘Life and Death’. Wish me luck!!