Last time we delved into the terrifying history of Dr Carlisle Cullen who likes to pimp out dying rape victims to his son for funsies! Surely, it couldn’t get much worse but it does as we now dive into the history of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Now, I have read ahead and hell no am I tackling that cesspit/dream-boat on my own. So I would like to introduce my co-hater: Imogen!
Victoria: Welcome and are you ready to help me tackle the dreamiest (most terrifying) man in the Twilight Universe?
Imogen: Hell yes! Let’s immerse ourselves into the twisted world of everyone’s favourite killer disco ball. My God do I need a less masochistic hobby.
Victoria: Tell me about it! So let’s look at Meyer’s depiction of the man that sent a thousand Twihards squeeing.
Victoria: I must say, he looks like a raging douchenozzle. Look at his shirt! I love how his underage pecs are just desperate to break through.
Imogen: He really looks like the very definition of a fuckboy. Can’t say I expect anything more from Meyer’s wet dream.
Victoria: I agree, he looks so disdainful which I guess is pretty accurate as he looks down on anyone that isn’t a vampire.
Imogen: And then on anyone who isn’t his precious Bella. What a sad little life he must lead.
Victoria: The next section is just when he was born and transformed which was 1917 which we already know. Now I must quote his physical description as it made me crack up especially after what I said about him in Carlisle’s section.
Imogen: Lay it on me let’s hear about his bronze hair. JUST SAY GINGER!
“Edward is thin and lanky but muscular. He has untidy bronze hair and boyish looks.”
Honestly, how do these pictures keep finding their way into Edward discussions? It’s baffling!
Imogen: Oh Bella, sweetie what are you doing?
Victoria: HAHA! Indeed, it’s just proving my pedesatry theory. The next bit is his stupid powers but I’m making note as Meyer feels the need to tell us that Bella is immune. Jesus! WE KNOW!!!
Imogen: He never fucking shuts up about it. WE GET IT, SHE’S IMMUNE TO YOUR FUN LITTLE VIOLATION AND SO YOU WANNA ABUSE HER IN ANY OTHER WAY POSSIBLE!
Victoria: Don’t forget it is to highlight to us mere pond scum how special and unique Bella is compared to us. Now are you up for some academic failure? Oh and for some Meyer wanking over the awesome that is Edward? Two for one!
Imogen: Bring on the crippling self hatred for reading this garbage!
“He has two medical degrees but has never worked as a doctor. His other graduate degrees are in literature, mathematics, law, mechanical engineering, several languages, art history, and international business.”
Victoria: *Bops Imogen with a wiffle bat* HE IS AMAZING! BOW TO HIM!!!
Imogen: So this man could literally cure cancer and instead chooses to seduce a teenager? Seems legit. I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! HE IS TRASH PERSONIFIED!
Victoria: I guess you could argue that he couldn’t as the Volturi would kill him for exposure, even though they suck at blending in. However, the big point though is how could he complete a medical degree? Look at how he is described. He is depicted as a lithe *cough* eros *cough* boyish teenager so how on earth could he pass for 22 when you would start medical training in the US and still pass for 26 when he completed it. Also the big one is how the hell did he even complete it if it is a sunny day?! You can’t just skip medical school for camping! Another point, how on earth did he do the practicals when surrounded by blood? This makes no sense and it’s pissing me off.
Imogen: Come on Victoria, you know Meyer operates outside the confines of logical possibility! I guess she would say the pathetic humans didn’t notice his age and that the sun was somehow dormant where he studied. Perhaps he somehow studied online before the invention of competent computer technology?
Victoria: I don’t think he could get away missing practicals which is a huge part of a medical degree. I know Meyer would hand wave it but it is still stupid. It pains me how little she thinks as if I am meant to buy these things existing in our world then she needs to make it believable.
Imogen: She just relies on the rest of humanity to be as stupid as she is. Pity for her we aren’t as moronic as her ridiculously misanthropic characters would have us believe.
Victoria: Too true, I have scanned those forums so I know what those Twihards think. Now before we explode from the lack of sense, I’ll sum up the last of his profile before we get to the history as it is pointless and boring. She just feels the need to tell us that he likes music and and what car he is which we know about as Bella loves to talk about the Volvo of Great Justice.
Now his history section is dark and full of failure so I hope you are ready for Meyer to show us how she knows nothing about history.
Imogen: My inner historian is already furious.
Victoria: Same here, trust me. So let’s start with some creepy implications first. Edward is an only child to Elizabeth and Edward Masen. His father was a lawyer and clearly a successful one as he gave that whiny brat everything he wanted from private school to music lessons but due to working away a lot which meant he didn’t give Edward the emotional love that he needed. Is that why Edward is a needy bitch then?
Imogen: Oftentimes the abused become abusers so I guess his father’s neglect turned him into the sociopath he is today. Nice work Meyer subtly blaming it on someone else.
Victoria: Hmm… that is a fair point. I am noticing a pattern with fathers in this universe. Think about it, Charlie is nothing but a busted Dad that Bella upgrades when she becomes a Cullen as Carlisle becomes her father in law and he describes her as a beloved daughter. Especially as at that point the thought was that Bella would never see Charlie again so she traded her busted one for the God that is Carlisle. Now look at Edward. His father lavished stuff on him but he never mentions his father in cannon, it is always his mother. I think it is once again because Edward upgraded his emotionally distant father for the emotionally coddling Carlisle. Whenever Carlisle talks about Edward it is always about how he is the favourite child (ew) and how he is the best thing ever.
Which is a total history failure as parents from higher class families rarely emotionally indulged their children so historically the father depiction isn’t unusual for that time.
Imogen: Meyer really enjoys wanking over her perfect vampires and villainising humans, huh. Carlisle saying that of course Edward must get into heaven and Bella nodding in ‘fervent agreement’ makes me break out in hives this God complex is so sickening.
Victoria: It is beyond sickening when it comes to those two. They honestly talk about each other like they are lovers. SUCK IT BELLA!
We then get with the mother that she was emotionally coddling as he was the centre of her life. I know that is normal for parents but when it comes to Meyer and her depictions of love then that just creeps me out beyond reason. I’ll ask again, is this why Edward is such a needy bitch?
Imogen: *Cough* they’re gay *cough*
If Elizabeth did actually suspect then why would she want her son to live as his whiny bitch self forever with the bonus of murderous tendencies thrown in? Love in the Twilight Saga is weird.
Victoria: Edward is so far in the closet that he frequently has tea with Aslan and Mr Tumnus.
Oh we shall come to that, don’t you worry but next is clear historical failure so if I were you I would put a pillow on your desk to prevent a concussion from head-desking. I am so grabbing margarita for this bullshit. Ready?
Imogen: I have already put aside money to pay for the massive dent I will soon make in my wall. Let’s go.
Victoria: Good to know! We have how Edward is a genius and now I shall quote:
“As he grew older, Edward became enamoured of the life of a soldier. World War I raged during most of his adolescence, and Edward dreamed of the day he could join the battle.”
Victoria: Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this if his date of of birth was say 1895 or something and he was born in the U.K. as that would make perfect sense as so many young men were enamoured in the beginning of WWI but by 1916 that dream was pretty much dead due to the death toll and suffering. Also the U.S. was isolationist at that time! If this was WWII and he was American then I could buy it but not this.
Imogen: Good lord Meyer really cannot be bothered with the slightest bit of research can she. Also how are we supposed to buy his being a genius if he was so eager to go on a suicide mission??
Victoria: Exactly! If this was WWII then it would make sense as the drive for that in the States was huge and seen as a great honour to fight the Third Reich. I honestly think Meyer is confusing both wars as the U.S. wanted nothing to do with the war until 1917. Also if he was that desperate then he could have signed up and lied about his age which men did all the time in that war and we know Edward loves lying. I think he just wanted to go out and kill things in all honesty.
Imogen: She really doesn’t give a single fuck about historical accuracy does she? Jesus Christ she’s an insult to her profession and the millions of authors that do painstaking research for their novels.
Yup, well thank fuck he got that wish fulfilled. Good for Edward.
Victoria: You are completely right. I have bitched about this hundreds of times that she cannot write historical characters for the life of her. It is insulting to authors that do the research to create realistic historical characters and situations. I said this about Edythe in ‘Life and Death’ she should not have sounded like Edward in a wig. Meyer is a hack!
We next have the Spanish Flu which neatly kills Edward’s father off really quickly so he can get a newer and better father in Carlisle. Do you mind if I go and throw something?
Imogen: She’s a complete disgrace compared to authors like Robin LaFevers who write brilliant historical novels along with author’s notes explaining the slight liberties they had to take for the story and the regret they feel for it.
And yet the boy that puberty failed somehow survived? By all means throw anything you want I certainly plan on doing so!
Victoria: Why thank you! *THROWS WARDROBE!*
That is very true, how did Edward manage to survive when he is built like that? Anyway, the bit that always gets me. Elizabeth begs Carlisle to save Edward and he thinks that she suspects he is supernatural. Let’s look at the Guide’s picture of him again:
He doesn’t look that supernatural except for the fact he looks pretentious but whatever. Why do I get the impression that Carlisle told himself that to justify it to himself that he stole a stunning and boyish waif to turn into his “companion”.
Imogen: Elizabeth was delirious with fever at this point and likely incapable of rational thought I doubt she even told him to save Edward at all…
What a fucking creep this man is!
Victoria: It screams of: “I swear I didn’t know she was fifteen!”
Victoria: Oh and that section is cut in the book by shoving this picture after that the What The Fuck. It’s Edward’s piano, as if we care:
Answer is that we don’t.
Oh sweet Jesus. I must quote the next bit!
“Carlisle took Edward from the hospital late that night, carrying the unconscious boy home.”
WHY DOES MEYER MAKE EVERYTHING SO RAPEY?!?!
Imogen: Yes, Meyer we already know Edward is perfect at everything and we’re long bored of it a picture of a piano isn’t going to make us care.
PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT’S HOT LIKE CARLISLE!
WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT INSTITUTIONALISED?!?
Victoria: I can only think of money keeping her out. Edward’s father gets one last mention where he is completely tossed into the trash as it is said that Carlisle is the father that he always wanted. Well yeah, Carlisle let’s him do whatever he wants and praises him constantly.
We then get to hear how he reads minds but take note that it is only surface thoughts which becomes relevant in a minute.
Now, what is hilarious is that apparently Edward always had a knack for reading people. OK, so when he is telling us that Bella is so selfless and kind but the reader sees how selfish and shallow she is that it shows this supposed character trait fails. Show, don’t tell. ALSO STOP HOLDING MY HAND, MEYER!
Imogen: So much for his being able to read people ugh Meyer doesn’t even know shit about her own characters
Victoria: Nope, she has them act one way and then tells us how they should be because she thinks we are stupid. We then have Edward throwing his entire human family away as Esme the doormat has arrived and she is the best mother ever. Suck it, Elizabeth! Edward has better now.
This leads us into his vigilante days or as Meyer likes to call it: experiencing an alternative lifestyle.
Victoria: On one hand I find it hilarious that she is using a homosexual euphemism for Edward after everything we have said.
On the other hand I am furious as she is trying to downplay fucking murder which is what he did. He went out and murdered hundreds for his own selfish greed.
So now I am confused as being furious and amused is giving me a hernia.
Imogen: Haha it’s as if Meyer is trying to tell us something…
One can accept that it is as justified as murder can be but to trivialise it so much is psychotic I fear for this woman’s sanity.
Victoria: Now what gets me is that she is hand-waving it by having it that he only goes for murderers and rapists in ‘Twilight’ but he isn’t doing it for the good of humans. He is doing it for food and not just any food but a glorious feast. Hardly a good thing as he only reads surface thoughts and how many people go out thinking “Oh! I fancy raping someone today!”
What I find that destroys her argument is that his first victim is Esme’s ex-husband. Yes, he was a domestic abuser but does he deserve to die an excruciating death that feeds that pampered arsehole?
Imogen: I’d say he deserves to die but certainly not for another future domestic abuser’s parasitic pleasure where’s the justice in that?
Victoria: Exactly, this is the problem as there is no justice. Vigilantism is a very grey area but he isn’t Batman who is doing for the good of Gotham. He is doing it to feed like a King which destroys any argument for any good of his actions.
I personally don’t agree as I don’t believe in the Death Penalty but we are agreed that this is no form of justice.
Imogen: Exactly, yes Edward is ridding the world of a monster but only because he is a monster himself.
Victoria: It’s why it scares me when Bella says it’s reasonable as these people could have been mentally ill and needed help or would never have acted on those thoughts but Edward just ate them anyway.
Imogen: It’s sickening.
Victoria: Especially when Meyer says this:
“I like that Edward’s not so clean-cut, that he has a dark side, that he’s doing things that are not clearly legal or illegal.”
Last I heard murder was fucking illegal! God, this woman scares me.
Imogen: NOT CLEARLY LEGAL OR ILLEGAL!! DOES SHE THINK WE LIVE IN THE DARK AGES?!?!
Victoria: Let’s leave this mess behind and move onto how Esme thought he was gay as he had no romantic love. It’s phrased that she was seriously concerned about him and that’s when Carlisle found Rosalie! Explains why Carlisle picked up the dying rape victim, as she was hot and would be a good test for Edward’s sexual orientation.
This is too fucked up for words.
So what if he’s gay, Esme? So what and if Carlisle had any of his alleged compassion he wouldn’t have turned Rosalie in the hope she’d be Edwards sex slave.
Victoria: I can enrage you further if you wish?
Imogen: Go ahead!
Victoria: After Edward saw this dying gang rape victim that has been violated again by his ‘Daddy’ saw that he wanted him to hit that. He decided no not because of what happened to her but because he mind-raped her and decided she was shallow and self-absorbed. Please feel free to throw something.
Imogen: Edward really hates women doesn’t he? I understand why he’s irritated rosalie from the moment they met.
Victoria: Well, Meyer hand waves it and says that they have a sibling style love. I’ve never seen any love between them so that is bullshit. At least we are close to the end! So next up is Edward meeting the Denali women who are blonde so therefore whores but Edward was too good for that.
Imogen: Oh god, here we go. I can’t wait to hear about how everybody but Bella is a slut.
Victoria: Sadly Meyer is saving that for their section but we do have Edward rejecting Tanya who is the leader of the blondes.
Imogen: And on what grounds exactly?
Victoria: Well, I remember in ‘Midnight Sun’ he hints very heavily that as if he would want that! She is blonde and has had sex before which means she is used so therefore not perfect. Edward deserves perfect, goddammit!
Imogen: I’d say poor Tanya but she made a lucky escape in my opinion.
Victoria: Oh, she is very lucky. The last section for Edward is about Bella and I am not quoting as I am looking forward to dinner so therefore don’t want to vomit. Basically to sum up: Edward met Bella who is so amazing, beautiful, special, unique and wonderful. Her mind was private and her blood sang for him which meant he found instant love.
So that’s the history part finished. I won’t bother with his famous quotes as it’s just his stupid quotes about Bella. I will however end with this quote which I know you would love to express your feelings for. So please, go ahead and rant as this is straight from Meyer’s own mouth:
“Unfortunately Edward isn’t based on anybody – he is all imagination and wishing. I think his allure is partially due to his old-fashioned manners. He’s a gentleman, and those are hard to come by these days.”
Has she read her books?!
Victoria: Remember this is her wank fantasy and thinks he is perfect.
Imogen: In what universe are serial killing stalkers who relish in being abusive to their conveniently weak girlfriends gentlemen?? Really Meyer I’d like to know. Also I must laugh at the irony of the world ‘gentle’ being part of that word because well… the honeymoon..
Victoria: I think we say that Edward is a misogynic, racist, murdering, abusive and disgusting pit stain on humanity.
Imogen: A pit stain on humanity that should just go fuck himself as clearly no one else is good enough too.
Victoria: Too true and on that note I would say that we are now done with Edward! Which is a relief and thank you Imogen as I couldn’t have done it without you. I hope you’ll join me again for this atrocious guide as we have many more fucked up characters to dissect.
Imogen: You can count on it! If we survived him we can survive the others!
Oh and if anyone cares, here is a picture of Bella’s honeymoon island which is impossible as that is clearly a pacific island plopped into the Atlantic Ocean where these tropical paradises don’t exist. I hope Bella enjoyed the sand fleas in her cooch.
Lovely, so next time I will be dissecting Esme. Oh joy, that doormat brings me such happiness.