Sorry for the delay! I had an accident and really hurt my foot but I had a cruise and life/job crap to deal with. Enough excuses!
Righto, we’ve had Meyer talk utter crap for over 66 pages with no illustrations so let’s hope I will finally get what this guide promised and that is answers and pictures (SPOILER ALERT: No pictures). Let’s crack on as the subject is now vampires which I’m sure will be hilarious and so horrendously stupid that I have blocked my ears up so my brain doesn’t leak through. Shall we?
I already cracked up in the small introduction as it says that Sparklepires share certain similarities to vampires but are more unique. Right……. Well, I guess they drink blood so that sort of counts but as we will see many of the Hollywood myths are just shrugged off. Also yeah, they are unique. Uniquely stupid. Next is Meyer trying to use science to explain the sparkling:
The cellular membrane of a vampire is not as soft or permeable as in a human cell; it has crystalline properties that cause the surface of vampire skin to react prismatically, giving the vampire a glitter-like shimmer in sunlight.
Huh? What is this crap?
Next up is ‘Beauty’, this is going to make me want to die. I can just tell. I can’t quote everything but my God! She is going on about how their white faces create a flawless face. Don’t believe me?
The perfect smoothness, gloss, and even color of the skin give the allusion of a flawless face.
Blergh, that’s revolting. Hasn’t Meyer heard about personal tastes? I really would not find these angular, corpse white rocks as attractive. I’m going to have to quote again as this is just gross and if I have to look at it then so do you:
Like humans, vampires are drawn to beauty. When choosing a human for the transformation process, vampires are as likely as humans to be motivated by a beautiful face and body.
Meyer really needs to stop clubbing me to death with a log about how beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, amazing and hawt Bella Swan is. It makes me want to die and get in the bleach bath again. I GET IT!!!
Next is their creepy skin colour and when added to the beauty section it just comes across as insanely racist and White is Right vibes. She says that the venom leaches all pigment from the skin and no matter what your skin colour is then you will turn very pale but maybe a slight olive tone if you weren’t white to begin with. That added to the fact that these things are meant to be the pinnacle of beauty seems very off to me. This may be shocking to hear but not everyone finds insanely white skin to be the pinnacle of beauty. She also talks about how the venom removes all tattoos, freckles, moles and scars which I find terrifying as these Sparklepires just sound like dolls and that is creepy. Once again, many people find tattoos and freckles attractive but Meyer says they are the best so fuck freckles! Meyer knows what is true perfection. *Dies*
Now we move onto eye colour. They are petrol gauges, how is this hard? Black = hungry, in ‘Twilight’, ‘New Moon’ and ‘Eclipse’ then gold = good/fed and red = evil/fed. Obviously, that gets sketchy when we hit ‘Breaking Dawn’ when the Cullens are friends with plenty of murderers. Oh sorry, I mean ‘traditional vampires’. Whatever makes them feel better, I guess.
Next is teeth, which never made any sense to me. She describes them as being the same as human teeth but razor sharp which is fine but how can Edward finish eating deer without a drop of blood on him? It’s impossible as he tears through their throats and drinks but the tearing would cause blood to get on him as he isn’t puncturing the skin. It’s just another instance of Meyer sanitizing her vampires as she is removing the fangs, but she keeps doing this and by ‘Breaking Dawn’ I think the word ‘vampire’ is rarely used and replaced with ‘immortal’.
So, let’s crack on with movement. She fails evolution and nature again as she talks about when Sparklepires are stressed or in fear then they freeze up and don’t move. FAIL! That is a prey animal reaction. Look at ‘Jurassic Park’, and how they are told not to move when the T-Rex is around as the PREDATOR will spot them as they are the PREY! My God, it doesn’t make Sparklepires better than sucky humans who jump up when startled as that is a predator reaction.
She now talks about petrification which becomes really stupid as we go along as she said if vampires don’t move for a thousand or so years then they develop onion skin and milky eyes. That is stupid as Aro and friends moved a plenty over their lives as they went on raiding missions to collect new vampires so why would they petrify? Marcus, I could buy as he sits there like an emo slug but not Aro and Caius who seem pretty active. It is obvious that once we had the Cullen’s murderer friends that the whole red = evil thing had to be changed so it became milky eyes = evil instead. She does tell us that their strength and eyesight is not harmed with petrification because as if Sparklepires have any limitations.
She is now trying to explain Sparklepire fluids and I giggled again due to the stupid. She explains that the venom between cells makes movement possible. Does Meyer think that cells float around in liquid? That’s stupid and we could be nothing but squish on the floor, or not even that. All cells are connected and now my brain is hurting. She explains that venom replaces all fluids and keeps the eyes moving. Does she think we have googly eyes just floating around? If so then I hope she does not help her children with any biology homework. Then she says this:
Most notably absent is the circulatory system.
Ermmm….. OK, how does Edward get an erection then? Is he just constantly hard because of reasons or which is my personal favourite theory is that Bella was talking crap when saying the sex is just the best ever as he was prodding her with his little wrinkly worm. Actually, fuck it! I declare this as the most appropriate theory as it is hilarious.
Next we move to ‘Abilities and Limitations’, what limitations? Seriously?! She feels the need to tell me that her Sparklepires are so much better than me because they are physically and mentally stronger. I’ll give her the physical but not the mental as even I as a lowly human could guess before the oh-so amazing Cullens that Victoria was behind the Newborn Army as I have a functioning brain stem. She then starts waxing lovingly over how strong and smart they are which is just annoying. Funnily enough, after all that Sparklepire praise there was no mention of limitations which is stupid as these things are meant to be science based and nature doesn’t create supercharged predators with no weaknesses.
Now we jump to immortality! She says how they do not age (well duh) and how they don’t develop mentally or emotionally after their transformation. How does this work? Surely then Carlisle would think the air is just disgusting and be treating his patients with bloodletting with unsanitary instruments? Also how do they develop new interests or learn? Is it just memory and reciting things like a parrot? Why do I even bother in all honesty. I can only just say it’s crap and move on to other stupid things. She then goes to great lengths to reassure me that no human could destroy a vampire as they need to be torn apart and burnt. I once again call bullshit, the human race loves to kill things and is very good at it. We have so many weapons that could destroy those things and those are the only ones the public knows about. I’m sure there are top secret weapons that could wipe out these abominations if all it takes is breaking them and burning them. Does Meyer think the army only fights with crossbows and axes?
So, let’s go to nutrition and she feels the need to remind that Sparklepires have no circulatory system. Yes, I know as I just read it and all I can picture is Edward’s wrinkly worm penis.
I think that is pretty accurate.
Thanks for that. Meyer tells us that blood is absorbed through their bodies to make them stronger but assures us that they cannot starve to death. Honestly, give them just a few limitations! She then tells us that they can’t digest solid food and have to force it back up. Just say vomit! Also, this makes their wasteful actions with food stupid. Just eat the damn food and chuck it up at the end of the day if it doesn’t cause any harm and would make them fit in more. Na, can’t have that as we need our clever and plucky heroine to notice their strange ways compared to the human morons she is surrounded by. She then tells us that animal blood is just as nutritious which makes her Sparklepires even worse as they are choosing to murder (this is not a vegetarian/vegan argument) humans just because it tastes nicer. ARSEHOLES!
So, let’s go onto ‘Supernatural Abilities’, this is going to be really wanky. I can just tell. She tells us that their human traits get intensified after the transformation and she is clearly talking about Carlisle as she comments that a human with a deep value of human life can avoid human blood, He doesn’t have much of a deep value as he said “Not my problem” when dozens were being murdered. However, what annoys me is that she just comments on the Cullens, no one else which says to me that she has no imagination.
What I do find infuriating is that she claims their gifts are supernatural which makes no sense as she loves to bleat on about how her vampires are based in science (I can’t rant anymore about how stupid that is). I really wouldn’t mind if say Alice had a knack for say betting on sports and was always right and this manifested into her vampire powers but having her as a genuine psychic pisses me off.
Oh for the love of…. She had to say how vampires are drawn to beauty again. IS BELLA BEAUTIFUL OR NOT?!?! She clearly is as everyone seems to fawn over her.
Now onto Newborns! Meyer basically says they are all uncontrollable and can’t think as they are insane with thirst. Uh-huh, sure:
“The problem with humans was that they just never had enough blood in them.”
“I thought how stupid people were, how oblivious, and I was glad I wasn’t one of the clueless.”
That is the first chapter of Bree Tanner the newborn vampire from ‘Eclipse’, yeah she sounds totally insane. I felt bad when she died in ‘Eclipse’ but after reading that novella then I am chuffed she died as she is a freaking psycho.
Also I only have three words for this crap that newborn vampires are insane with bloodlust:
LIFE AND DEATH!!!!
Blergh, she next takes too many words to talk about vampire transformation in which she says how hard it is to do as the blood is too much. Well, I stand by that vampires in this universe are morons as it took Edward to think “Oh, maybe I should inject my venom in to work” and lo! It works! Vampires are seriously stupid if they never thought about doing that before. She wanks over how amazing Carlisle is for doing it as it takes so much self control but Aro has done it loads of times as well as Sasha who were people eaters. It’s not that hard!
She next talks about singers which freaks me out as it is so about Bella and her bacon and coffee blood. Considering vampire lore usually links biting with sex and every vampire thinks Bella is just the yummiest then yeah…. I have just made myself uncomfortable again.
The next section is vampire history but I’m skipping it as it will come up again in the character profiles so no point repeating myself. I will comment on Immortal Children though as that is truly disturbing. Meyer describes them as being frozen at their mental age but goes to great pains to tell me how adorable they are. I frankly find them disturbing as imagine a baby being bitten that cannot understand the pain which can turn you insane but also think of what has happened to that child. They will never grow to understand life, love and loss but also to never appreciate art, music, theatre, film or anything. That is beyond cruel! Meyer talks about how the thirst is like third degree burns (she is stupid as that kills the nerves) but a child cannot understand that and will kill to make the pain go away but will live in constant torment of pain for all of eternity. Also, she has just told us how hard it is to turn a human as the blood lust takeovers and they kill their victim, so just how many babies did these bastards kill to make one a success. This is disgusting but Meyer wants me to think the Volturi are big meanies for killing these things as they are just so gosh darn cute. I think the vampires who did this deserve the punishment they get for condemning a child to a life of torment to act as a handbag. Also the Volturi are putting these children out of their misery as it was the weird vampires who decided they were all the rage that truly killed them.
Next is vampire myths which I don’t see the point in ranting about as I will be here until I die. I will say this though, the myths she talks about are very much Hollywood inventions and apparently the Volturi spread them to protect themselves. Whatever. I will comment on this though, the one they couldn’t dispel was that vampires are beautiful. OK!
She then bangs on about how it is just so uncommon for people drinkers to travel in groups except that ‘Breaking Dawn’ showed the exact opposite and that just pisses me off as it is just to show that the Cullens are just so damn special, well they are not.
Next is the hybrid which is just going to be the joys of Scrappy Doo, Oh I mean Renesmee Cullen. Blergh! She pisses me off by saying there are only five which is ridiculous as this was not a known thing before that gnome appeared so how do they know that other vampires haven’t done that. Oh wait, it would detract from Bella and Edward having a love better than us mere humans, my bad!
Meyer then tells us that they share human and vampire traits which I still don’t get as the only things they share with humans is blood, human heartbeat and they are warm. That’s honestly it! What makes no sense though is that hybrids bite their way out their mothers at birth but how do they survive? They aren’t vampires that are indestructible so who raises them after their Alien birth? Nature doesn’t give a shit if you have understanding relatives to raise you. These things shouldn’t exist! What pisses me off the most though is that they can eat human food but choose to murder and drink people because it’s yummy. I hate these things so much. Next is just Meyer showing how they are the perfect babies as they are born with adult intelligence and are just so much better than human babies. This is from a mother of three. I am now uncomfortable again.
Well, at least that is the end of this section. Next is the Cullens! Ermm…. Yay? I’ll probably split them up as my God! Happy Blogging!