‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 24 “Appalling Mental Health Messages, Gender Stereotyping and Mafia Fail. I Need Wine!” Part 2

Last time we started the beast that is chapter 24 where we learnt about the new Volturi and Edythe told Beau he can go out and murder all the people he wants if that’s what he would like to do. Romance of the ages!

We start with Beau trying to show us that he cares about his parents.

“So I couldn’t go to my dad’s house and let him see the eyes that Edythe said would be bright. I couldn’t even drive to Florida and hug my mom and let her know I wasn’t dead. I couldn’t even call her and explain the confusing message I’d left on her answering machine.”

I find it funny that he is now referring to his parents as mom and dad rather than what he used to call them. I know this is to show that he does care about them but I have read too many instances of Beau insulting them and blaming them for his lack of personality. This paragraph is too little and too late.

“Edythe moved on quickly – telling me about their friends in Canada who lived the same way. Three blond Russian brothers and two Spanish vampires who were the Cullen’s closest family. She told me that two of them had extra powers – Kirill could do something electrical, and Elena knew the talents of every vampire she met.”

*Face Palm*

• Meyer has said many times that they are from Denali (hence their names) which is in Alaska so therefore in the USA and not Canada. That is a major fail that I am now in pain.
• Kate, who is now Kirill was said to have been from Slovakia not Russia. How hard is it to know your own cannon? That is just sad.
• Kirill is a fail as he is a vampire from the dark ages and that name is the modern version of Kyrilu in Old Slavic which is the best language for ancient/medieval Russian names. Both are versions of Cyril but Kirill is the modern version. Historical Fail!
• Elena is much more attune for a Spanish vampire compared to Eleazar which is Hebrew in origin. Also Eleazar was very stereotypically Spanish that I am sure he would have been a Catholic as a human. So in this instance, the female name is more fitting with the character.

“Edythe told me that I would never age. That I would always be seventeen, like she was. That the world would change around me, I would remember all of it, never forgetting one second.”

Wow, he gets Bella’s dream as she hated being eighteen when Edward was seventeen. Also, I debunked the never forgetting crap earlier as Edythe doesn’t remember bugger all about her past as a human. That is also terrifying as the human mind purposefully makes traumatic events muddy with time as a coping mechanism but vampires never get that comfort. We know Meyer doesn’t see it like that as her vampires just boast about how awesome their memories are and learn everything so quickly. We can’t have any downsides in this little fantasy.

I am summarising the next paragraph as it’s boring and not creepy. Edythe explains that they move around a lot and Earnest likes to deface historical homes for them and Archie commits fraud so they have money. Nothing fascinating!

I must ask though how does Carine manage to hop to a different hospital each time? They may be able to fake I.D. but what does she do about references? She would need them to get a job as they don’t just take anyone with a medical degree. She couldn’t use references from previous employments as the age would be wrong as she would have documents that make her younger so she can stay for a few years so that would be flagged up if they contacted her references. She couldn’t just use her family as fake ones as it would be simple to see that this is fraud too as they can’t insert a fake doctor into the system and someone that the medical board haven’t heard of or can’t find. I think this is just another instance of Meyer showing how ignorant she is as she has lived a privileged life where she has never worked a proper job before. She has been a housewife and then an author but that is self-employment. It really does come across that she hasn’t a clue how the real world works.

“I would never sleep again.

Food would be disgusting to me. I would never be hungry again, only thirsty.

I would never get sick. I would never feel tired.

I would be able to run faster than a race car. I’d be stronger than any other species on the planet.

I wouldn’t need to breathe.

I would be able to see more clearly, hear even the smallest sound.

My heart would finish beating tomorrow or the next day, and it would never beat again.

I would be a vampire.”

Grumpy Cat

Wow, that was some serious wanking there.

I don’t get the whole food and disgust thing as Bella just showed indifference to it when she smelt Sue Clearwater cooking. She remarked that it probably smelt nice to them but she never showed disgust but was just baffled about these strange human customs as she is an alien who forgot her human life in a heartbeat.

Also surely you would be freaked out that you won’t need to breathe and your heart will stop beating which means you are dead. He is calmly discussing that he will be a walking corpse that will never find peace but he is just doing a strange combination of wanking over his upcoming awesome and sounding bored about it. There is no emotion there.

“One good thing about the burning – it let me hear all this with some distance. It let me process what she was telling me without emotion. I knew the emotion will come later.”

Oh, stop lying, Beau! You show no emotion in anything unless it’s glorifying Edythe’s anorexia or whining and they barely count as you usually sound indifferent. For God’s sake! He is dying and doesn’t give a shit!

Next up is the werewolves!

“Carine sat on the ground next to me and told me the most amazing story about Jules’s family – that her great-grandmother had actually been a werewolf. All the things Jules had scoffed about were straight history. Carine told me she’d promised them she would never bite another human. It was part of the treaty between them, the treaty that meant the Cullens could never go west to the ocean.”

Errmmm….. no the treaty said they can’t go to La Push where the tribe lives, they can’t stop them going to Japan via the Californian or Canadian coast. They don’t own the Pacific Ocean. Once again, this is proving that I know this awful cannon better than its own damn creator! I might have to cry when I have finished this as that is embarrassing.

Next is Jessamine and it is so rushed compared to ‘Eclipse’ but I am grateful as we don’t need the gender swapped and racist white Mexican Maria. I will recap it as it’s lame and not worthy of discussion. Jessamine was stolen by Man Maria and bitten, she then fought in the vampire army. I must say though that I am slamming it with a sexist point as Jasper was the General and Grand High Executioner but here it is just Jessamine as a soldier and no mention of rank. Pfft, woman can’t be Generals.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 76

Next is Earnest and this is really quite vile. I will quote his section and then I will discuss it.

“Earnest told me how his life had ended before he’d killed himself, about his unstable, alcoholic wife and the daughter he’s loved more than his own soul. He’d told me about the night when his wife, in a drunken rampage, had jumped off a cliff with his little daughter in her arms, and how he hadn’t been able to do anything but follow after them.”

First of all, why did Meyer have to put that stupid line about his soul in that as it is clearly a nod to that stupid necklace Bella threw at her daughter for Christmas. I don’t need reminders as it gives me flash backs to that book.

Now the serious part. Wow, that is horrifying and answers the question as to why Meyer aged up Esme’s baby so that Earnest has a two-year-old. For those who don’t know, in the illustrated guide Esme’s husband was physically abusive and she escaped when pregnant but her son died after a few days. So Earnest needed a tragic back ground and a horrible spouse. So, why did Meyer age Earnest’s child up? Well, I think she did that to try and prevent the inevitable defence that Earnest’s wife was clearly suffering from Postnatal Depression and thinks that if the child is two then she has no excuse. She did that to try and show that actually she was just abusive and a drunk who killed her child.

Well that fails. I am convinced that and the age of the child backs this up even more that she had Postnatal Depression but due to no treatment then it developed into Postnatal Psychosis. Look how she is described! She is described as unstable and turned to alcohol. Meyer has no idea what alcohol does to you as she is a Mormon, she probably thinks that people just decide to become alcoholics and that they become abusive. That is not the case at all and I really think that his wife turned to alcohol to cope with her Postnatal Depression and it became a serious problem.

So we can assume that her depression developed into full blown psychosis. Postnatal Psychosis is very dangerous and is very misunderstood. Many sufferers have been known to kill their children and afterwards many mothers say it was to protect them because the mental illness had completely taken over and made them think they had to kill them to protect them. The problem is that it is so misunderstood as the idea of a mother killing her children is an ultimate taboo so people don’t want to talk about but just brand these women as evil. I am not condoning what these women did but it could have been easily avoided if people would take this condition seriously and not just call it ‘Baby Blues’. It is far more serious than just feeling sad but people just won’t accept that a mother can feel anything but elation over her birth and motherhood.

Hormones are a big factor in what causes this and when mixed with someone who already has mental health history then it can be disastrous if there is no help given. I’ve known people who felt awful that they had to stop breastfeeding so they could go back to their medication due to Postnatal Depression and were vilified by others as mothers should breastfeed in many people’s views. People are so judgemental to new mothers that many don’t want to speak out that they aren’t loving motherhood and being a new mum can be one of the most isolating experiences in their lives. I am not condoning what these women have done but I will lay a lot of blame on all the people who fob them off when they seek help when this could be easily prevented.

There is nothing there in that text that says he even tried to help his wife, she is clearly vilified for not being a true Mother Goddess. It really makes me think that Earnest just thought she was awful rather than trying to understand what was going on and help her. He was too obsessed with his daughter but clearly didn’t help. People don’t just grab their children and jump off a cliff in a drunken stupor, that is classic Postnatal Pyschosis as many mothers will kill themselves with their children as many think that the world or something is too dangerous. Also I get the impression that he didn’t even love his wife because:

“Then he told me how, after the pain, there had been the most beautiful woman in a nurse’s uniform.”

That’s disgusting! He clearly hated his wife as he was quick to start drooling over the gorgeous nurse two days after she died. So now go back to his wife, she was clearly in a loveless marriage with a man who fawned over her child so had expectations over her skills as a mother, the psychosis and depression are building to extreme levels while she blocked the pain out with booze. Imagine how desperate she must have been to do that? What she did was wrong but I don’t think she is someone to hate but to pity for being born in a time with no mental health help and a husband who didn’t love her. She is like Leila from ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ who was a villain in E.L. James’ eyes but was just a victim to mental illness without the right help. She was to be pitied and not hated and I believe the same for Earnest’s wife.

This makes Meyer look appalling and an insensitive witch. She has no damn right to vilify someone like this when she has said countless times in interviews about how much of a burden her children are, how she used this series to escape from them and even went as far to create her perfect child who was a girl that she didn’t have. Meyer really needs to educate herself when she decides to write something like that as it has horrifying implications about her attitudes and understanding of mental health. She would probably hand-wave and say she wasn’t thinking of Postnatal Depression but she clearly was as why else would she age up the child from a few days to two years? There could be no other reason but she clearly doesn’t understand what Postnatal Depression can do if left untreated in someone with a history of mental illness. I will end this section with two simple words:

FUCK YOU!

Next up is Victor! I am summing up as it’s long winded with no substance but he realised Joss lost so thought fuck this and left. I know the reason why and that was because this is a one off book so all conflict needs to swept under the carpet and forgotten. However, that is not what I have a problem with. This is very telling as what did Victoria do? She went on a Hell bent mission to destroy all Cullens. What makes this interesting though is that in the guide when discussing vampires, she usually used the male pronoun but when it came to vampire vengeance when a mate is killed and they go on a murderous spree then it was described with the feminine pronoun. How telling. Let’s look at the vampires who have lost their mates and their reactions!

Marcus: Lost Didyme and has sat in Volterra like a depressed slug for 3000 years and never moved on.

Edward: When he thought Bella had died he wanted to kill himself. He only considered murder to make the Volturi kill him when they refused. He just wanted to die.

Victoria: Created a new-born army to kill the Cullens and Bella.

Irina: Wanted to commit genocide on the wolves when they killed her lover, Laurent.

Nameless Female Vampire: When the wolves killed her partner, she tried to commit genocide on the wolves.

So when male vampires lose their lady loves they just go into a depressive state and want to die but the female vampires turn into Hell bitches with a love of genocide and murder.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 77

“Even Royal took a turn. He told me about a life consumed with vanity, with material things with ambition.”

James

This reminds me of James so much but unlike James, Royal is not awesome!

“He told me about the only daughter of a powerful man – exactly what kind of power this man wielded, Royal hadn’t entirely understood – and how Royal had planned to marry her and become heir to the dynasty. How the beautiful daughter pretended to love him to please her father, and then how she watched her lover from a rival criminal syndicate had beaten Royal to death, how she’d laughed aloud the whole time.”

*Groans*

Right, as Royal was alive in 1930s New York and Meyer is stupid then I think we can assume that this girl is from the Sicilian Mafia as she is too thick to probably know of the Irish and Polish crime families so for sake of argument we are going to go for Sicilian.

Royal was the son of a banker and as Royal is blond haired and blue eyed then he is clearly not Sicilian descent. Also Royal has no idea what kind of power this man had which means he has no idea he is part of the mob and is not in the inner circle or even just someone from the neighbourhood who may know. He is clueless! So why on earth would this man want Royal as a son in law and heir to his dynasty?!?! Crime families do not work like that! Let’s break this down:

It is very unlikely that this man would only have one child who is a daughter as Sicilian families are known to have big families. This man would more than likely have sons and if he did then I could buy it if Royal was the son of a politician who is good to turn or one himself as he would be very useful to have in his pocket for more power but that is not the case and Royal wouldn’t be the heir.

Fine, let’s accept that he only has one child then and it is a girl. He would not let her marry a non-Italian who has no idea what his real business is to become his heir. He would want someone from the same heritage as him, who was close to the family and had proven themselves capable, loyal and useful. Royal fits none of that! Why on earth would he want Royal as he is not a person of use and influence as his father is a banker and Royal has no career to speak of.

Mafia families are incredibly secretive that’s why their operations are run out of common businesses as restaurants, casinos and laundry services and are usually in locations where those communities reside. New Jersey is a huge example for Italian Mafia families and for goodness sake New York has Little Italy. That is where they reside but Royal lived Rochester so when would he have even met these people?! For the father to want Royal to marry his daughter screams arranged marriage so that means he would have known them for a long time but how and why would this man be close to some random banker?

Also in the early 20th century Italian immigrants faced fierce discrimination from Americans as many were coming over at the time for a new life but Americans accused them of taking American jobs. This is why these communities kept themselves to themselves for safety due to persecution. So why would Royal have even wanted to marry this girl as it is clearly arranged? He was a blond middle class American who probably had very strong views against Italians and for arguments sake the Polish and Irish too as they were discriminated against too. Royal would never want to marry this girl.

Another big factor is that these communities had very rigid gender expectations. We will still stick with Sicilian as I am sure it is that and they fall into that gender category. The wives and daughters were not stupid and knew their husbands, brothers and fathers were involved in crime but never spoke about and didn’t acknowledge it in their home lives. They were never consulted and were taught to be wives and mothers but also to not question things. We see this progression with Michael Corleone and his wife when he at first he was honest with her but as he got more involved in the family then the more he shut her out of family business and she assumed her role as a typical mob wife. It would be very unlikely that she would arrange this, as they are taught that the family is everything and it would be very unlikely for her to betray her father by sleeping with a rival mob family member. I’m not saying it couldn’t but in the 1930s then it would be very unlikely as she would be at most first generation so would still have many Sicilian morals towards her father and family.

We are finished! So after all of that?

Train

Goodness me! I am shattered but that is the end of story time. I did promise you all that it is infuriating. Next time is Beau waking up as a vampire and I will probably explode in rage. Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 24 “Meyer Drops a Great Big Info Dump!” Part 1

I am just going to say this now. I hate this chapter the most as it is just hand holding and story-telling but also because it is infuriating, nasty and has some truly vile points to it. It is more interesting than previous chapters though which is a plus but it is stupidly long and moronic. However, this is a new beast as we have left ‘Twilight’ behind and Meyer really wants to cram four books worth of information in this chapter. It is so bad that I will be quoting the vast majority of this chapter because if I have to look at it then so do you! That means this will be a multi part post as this chapter is long and full of stupid. I will be putting all quotes in bold so they are easier to read. Let’s go!

We left off with Beau turning into a vampire and he opens up with this:

“I ended up changing my mind.”

No you didn’t. Shut up, Beau!

I will recap the next paragraph as it’s just Archie telling everyone to calm down as everyone wants to die once bitten. Beau whines that it hurts and it’s all dark now. It is really coming across as bored and monotone whining rather than excruciating pain.

WAHHHH!!! 73

Beau thrashes for a while and he is moved to the car. How he knows this is beyond me as he says it’s all dark and that he can’t feel anything apart from the fire. He whines for a while and I notice this:

“I couldn’t gues which”

I know I make mistakes but I’m dyslexic, have no editor and am not a published author. That is just sloppy!

We now hit the massive info dump from Hell.

““There is so much he doesn’t know.”

“You’re right, you’re right.” She sighed. “Where do I begin?”

“You could explain about being thirsty,” Archie suggested. “That was the hardest part, when I woke up. And we’ll be expecting a lot from him.”

When Edythe answered, it was like she was spitting the words the words through her teeth. “I won’t hold him to that. He didn’t choose. He’s free to become whatever he wants.””

EXCUSE ME! None of you chose to become vampires and Carine wants those who live with her to live the no people diet. Beau is not oh so special to be exempt from this. Also that means if he chooses to eat people because of his thirst when he is an uncontrollable new-born and doesn’t want to eat animals then does that mean you will throw him out to the wild? Edythe should be trying very hard to convince Beau to eat animals as the other option is MURDER! How is this so difficult to understand. Moving on!
Next section of fail is Edythe explaining vampire thirst:

“The first one is that when this passes, when you’re…new, you won’t be exactly the same as I am, not in the very beginning. Being a young vampire means certain things, and the hardest to ignore is the thirst. You’ll be thirsty – all the time. You won’t be able to think about much else for a while. Maybe a year, maybe two. It’s different for everyone.”

Bullet Points!

• That speech will not be funny at the end of this Godforsaken chapter.
• Yes, he should be like that as a new-born as unlike Bella he was thrown into this. He should be wild.
• Meyer forgot to show us vampire thirst in ‘Breaking Dawn’ and just told us it was the most painful thing ever, she said it is like third degree burns in your throat. Forget that Meyer is an idiot as third degree burns kill the nerves so wouldn’t feel anything. Anyway, all Bella ever said was ouch. I am still not convinced.

There is more but I am so saving it. Let’s get back to Edythe’s constant talking!

“If you decide – if you want to live like us, it will be hard. Especially in the beginning. It might be too hard, and I understand that. We all do. If you want to try it my way, I’ll go with you. I can tell you who the human monsters are. There are options.”

FUCK YOU!

That has completely destroyed the argument that they care about human life as that right there shows that they don’t give a shit. Edythe is willing to throw her morals and beliefs out the window if Beau wants to eat people. Oh, but they will just eat bad people. No, as an eye for an eye leaves the world blind. This is just blatant murder and she is willing to go back to that all for Beau. That’s disgusting as love should not make you abandon every moral and belief you hold dear. Edythe should make it clear that if he chooses to eat people then their relationship is over. I don’t care that he is turning into a vampire without as much choice as Bella as we know he thinks they are awesome and wants to be one so it’s not like he has lost multiple limbs. Even if he did find it difficult to come to terms with what has happened that still doesn’t mean he has every right to go out and murder people.

I hate these people. Back to Edythe!

“The hard things – the very worst thing. Oh, I’m so sorry Beau. You can’t see your mother and father again. It’s not safe. You would hurt them – you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. And there are rules. Rules that, as your creator, I’m bound by. We’d both be responsible if you ran out of control.”

Considering what is coming up I really don’t see why Beau can’t see his parents as Bella did. She didn’t care. Also I really can’t see Beau caring about never seeing them again as he is always insulting his father and describing his mother as mentally challenged and what a drag she is. This is probably a bonus for Beau!

I’m snipping the next bit as it is just Edythe whining that no one can know about vampires and how everything is all her fault. We don’t need more whining. The next section is huge though and I will quote the whole thing as it is about the Volturi. Remember back in chapter 16 that I said it was weird that the names were different but not gender flipped as they were already established. Well we hear about it now. Strap in as this section is huge!

“She told me about the people I’d seen in the paintings with Carine – the Volturi. How they’d joined forces in the Mycenaean age, and begun a millennia-long campaign to create peace and order in the vampire world.”

Meyer is such a moron. The Mycenaean age is a hell of a lot older than a 1000 years, try over 3000. Research is not hard and that hurts me as a Classics and Archaeology graduate.

“How there had been six of them in the beginning. How betrayal and murder had cut them in half. Someone named Aro had murdered his sister – his best friend’s wife. The best friend was Marcus – he was the man I had seen standing with Carine. Aro’s own wife – Sulpicia, the one with all the masses of dark hair in the painting – had been the only witness.”

So it looks like Aro is more of a moron in this version. I still find it stupid that he murdered his sister whose stupid power was creating an aura of happiness just to keep Marcus around who has the other stupidest gift of seeing relationships. Why would Aro be stupid enough to let his wife see this? What if she blabbed, which she does and he loses everything? I bet Marcus is still a depressed slug though as that is what male vampires do when they lose their mate, they prefer to off themselves.

“She’s turned him over to Marcus and their soldiers.”

Ermm… I have a question? What about Chelsea, the one who brainwashes you into loving devotion to Aro? Bella said that they were all fiercely devoted to Aro and that was obvious, which is why I never understand why Marcus was a head but not Chelsea as she is dangerous. Was Chelsea taking a nap when this happened and turned off her power? This makes no sense whatsoever but I honestly think that Meyer just forgot about Chelsea as she was only mentioned a handful of times in ‘Breaking Dawn’ Part III, which was written back in 2004 when it was ‘Forever Dawn’. Whatever it is, it is lazy writing and Meyer is a hack.

Also Aro would know if her love for him is faltering (which never happens to vampires) as all he has to do is touch her and he would know. He has shown he has no issue killing family so why not kill her too if he is so obsessed with power. He could also just have Chelsea brain wash her and Corin to deliver the smack to make her happy. Aro should have known that she would turn on him.

Back to this nonsense!

“There had been some question of what to do – Aro had a very powerful gift, like Edythe but more, she said – and the Volturi weren’t sure if they would be able to succeed without him.”

I can get the whole thing of wanting his gift in terms of police and government as it is useful as he knows everything about you if you touch his hand but it is hardly a great offensive gift like Alec who shuts off all senses. Also why would it be hard to know what do with him? What can he do except read the shit out of your mind if he fondles you. Ooo scary!

“But Sulpicia searched out a young girl – Mele, the one Edythe had called a servant and a thief – who had a gift of her own. She could absorb another vampire’s gift. She couldn’t use that stolen gift herself, but could give it to someone else who she was touching.”

Meyer clearly pulled that out of her arse like Bella’s soul radar. That was stupid because if Mele could use this gift then it would make her the most powerful vampire ever (suck it, Bella). Yet, that doesn’t work for Meyer’s little story here so makes it that she can’t use that power. Why? That is stupid as that makes her power completely pointless as why would she have that power if she can’t use it for herself and make other’s more powerful who in turn could kill her. Meyer said that otherwise it would be weird for Mele to not take over herself.

Well guess what, it still fails. Look at how Mele is described! She is described as a thief and a servant, she is nothing but Igor and clearly doesn’t hold any respect or status herself as she is merely a servant. Why would Mele accept being treated like that? Let’s say she was tricked by Sulpicia so gave her Aro’s gift and then was treated as a dog afterwards. Why wouldn’t Mele just steal them back? I am sure she has to think of what power to transfer to people otherwise it would have been more stupid as she would be transferring willy nilly so why doesn’t she just take all the Volturi’s power from them and run? She would render the Volturi pointless and useless but no because of the plot Mele sits there and is thought of as nothing but a thief and servant.

“Sulpicia had Mele take Aro’s gift, and then Marcus executed him.”

I have another question! In the guide it explicitly says that vampires mate for life and don’t get over losing their one and only love? Look at Irina! She wanted to commit genocide on the werewolves because they killed her murdering boyfriend and she was a no people eater. It was explicit in the guide that Aro and his wife loved each other but he kept her stoned for her own safety in a tower (it’s stupid). Surely, she wouldn’t throw him to the executioner as vampires go batshit when their mate dies.

It honestly scares me that I think I know Meyer’s cannon better than her. I need help.

“Once she had her husband’s gift, Sulpicia found out that the third man in their group was in on the plot.”

I know Caius is a moron in the books but this has to be breaking all stupid records. Why would you let her touch your hand as she would know your part in this.

MORON!

Let’s say he doesn’t know then why is he holding hands with Aro’s wife and he must have known about Mele as he must have wondered why that scrawny thing is hanging out with them. I really don’t buy this.

“He was executed, too, and his wife – Athendora- joined with Sulpicia and Marcus to lead their soldiers.”

The End.

confused-cat

That was my face when I finished reading that!

That is the end of that little story. This story should have been told in chapter 16 as this has no relevance being in the changing chapter. I think Beau should be hearing more about how to control his thirst rather than that. It just looks like it was slapped on.

This is Meyer’s little coup she discussed in the opening of this book. This is so clearly an attempt to show that she so can write strong and independent women in power as look at the Volturi! That clearly shows that her books aren’t sexist as look at what she did?!

*Points Down*

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 75

Yeah, that little random story shows how feminist you are. Look at that count, 75 incidences of blatant sexism! There is probably more that I missed. That story does not make this book any less sexist than it is.

I really don’t get why that is even there.

Edythe says that the Volturi made up all the vampire myths to confuse humans. That still fails as most of you are corpse white, red eyed and drink blood. That does scream vampire even if you don’t flinch at garlic. Still a fail hand-wave to explain sparkles.

I am going to cut this post here as I have rambled on enough and there is plenty more to go. Next time is the werewolves and the Cullen’s history being info dumped on us. Oh goody!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 21, 22 & 23 “Exciting Climax of Death! HAHA! Yeah, right! This is ‘Twilight’ Remember!”

This chapter is so dull with heaps of copy and pasted nonsense. I think I may have to combine chapter 21 and 22 as when I looked over chapter 21 there is hardly any red pen which means it is the same as the original. We shall see as I don’t see the point of writing a piece that is 500 words of me saying it is the same. That is dull! I honestly feel like Meyer is rushing now as she is close to the end and wants to get to her ‘climax’.

Beau wakes up and needs to tell us that vampires are so awesome as the TV volume is so low but they can hear. I still don’t care. Archie is drawing Beau’s living room, I honestly just summed up a huge chunk of interior design text. What annoyed me though that it was clearly written in third person. Meyer does this a lot and I just don’t get why she writes in first person as it is so constricting. Just write in third and be free!

I’m summing up again and it is just Edythe deciding to take Beau away together to protect him. Nothing has changed and I refuse to bore you all! Beau whines about how they are doomed, he clearly doesn’t understand maths as 2 vs 7 is good odds. Jessamine is sick of his whining and lights up another spliff which causes Beau to calm down and go to sleep. That power is creepy but I am grateful for it right now.

We get some more crap about flight times and how they are going to a hotel closer to Renee’s house. *Yawn* The phone rings and ZOMG! It’s Renee! Well, we know it’s not and its actually Joss.

I am literally summing up the phone call as it is exactly the same as ‘Twilight’ and let’s be honest most people reading this know what will happen. I will sum up with this: Joss says she has Beau’s mother and Beau has to go to his house and await further instructions. We know the final destination so no one cares. However!

drama-queen3.jpg

This no longer flies. How does Archie not hear this conversation as he is close to Beau? We know from ‘Breaking Dawn’ how amazing vampire hearing is as Bella loved to boast to us how she could hear a car radio three miles away when she just turned. Also the biggest damnation to this is when Bella was playing Mighty Whitey to Max the stereotypical 1970s jive turkey (I hate that scene so much) and could hear Jenks on the phone while Max was talking to him in his lingo which proved Meyer should never, ever write people of colour. Blatant racism aside, Bella could hear every word as she was getting off when they were talking about hot she was. I will so go into the racism when I tackle the illustrated guide as my God! She heard this all, so why didn’t Archie!?! He should have heard this entire conversation as vampire hearing is that great. Meyer in her attempt to wank over vampires completely ruined her plot. However, I think this was her entire goal of Part III of ‘Breaking Dawn’:

spiderman orgasm

Disgusting but true. Beau decides he has to save his mother, well then I must ask? Why on earth does Archie not see this? Oh, maybe he isn’t concentrating as that is effort. I don’t know but it makes as little sense as it did before as Alice and therefore Archie said their visions are decision based. Well, clearly not when the plot demands it.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 35

We end this chapter with Archie having a vision and collapses but Beau whines about his selfless death. This is why I am combining chapter 21 and chapter 22 as this is so short and such a waste of a post. Let’s crack on to chapter 22!

Beau has to tell us that he doesn’t care about his death as his voice sounds dead. I must say I am going to sum up the tone of this chapter now otherwise I will be repeating myself constantly. Here we go and please read this is in a dull and dry tone:

I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, Edythe is hot, I’m gonna die, must save Mum, I’m gonna die.

Yeah, that is this chapter. Archie asks if Renee is OK and Beau makes himself obvious by saying in a monotone voice that she is fine. Beau keeps telling us how his emotions and speech sound fake, well I am sure they are but you are surrounded by rock stupid vampires. Beau decides he needs alone time and goes to his room to write a wangsty note to Edythe and tells her that he has gone to his death and not to follow him. It’s really wangsty so I am slamming it with this as it screams: I AM SO SELFLESS BUT I WILL WHINE!!!

WAHHHH!!! 72

It’s been a long time since we have seen this count. I can’t say I have missed it. I am so summing up the next page as nothing new happens. They get in the car and Beau asks if Archie can give a note to his mother, they then get to the airport and Beau goes on about how he will never see the departure locations. Beau then goes on about how the pull between himself and Edythe is so strong that he can’t run. Beau decides he needs to pee and asks if Jessamine will escort him so he can make his daring escape!

We do get a major fail though as Archie doesn’t see Beau escaping as he is focusing on Joss.

confused-cat

Huh? Surely with his amazing vampire brain then he can focus on a few things which he did in chapter 20 when he focused on Carine, Edythe, Earnest and Charlie. This is just another instance of the plot says so, once again. Also Beau made the decision to run so Archie should see this. This is once again, STUPID!

I’m summing up the next page as it’s Beau darting into the men’s room which has two exits and he runs away while thinking of them. He then jumps on a shuttle to a hotel. He then tries not to cry which is fair but at the same time how would Joss know if he told the other vampires what he is doing. She doesn’t have telepathy; ergh we know this is just make Beau look selfless.

Beau decides to imagine his meeting with Edythe where they run at each other and collapse on each other while they hump in front of everyone. I am not exaggerating!! It is just written in PG style. Beau jumps in a taxi and they head to his house.

I am summing up again as it is exactly the same as before. Joss calls and says that Beau needs to come to the Ballet Studio.

Screaming

ZOMG!! IT’S THE SAME BALLET STUDIO THAT BEAU KNOWS!!

I still don’t really understand how Joss knew about that place but whatever. Beau decides he needs air but even though his mother is in mortal danger, he feels the need to say how much she sucks and can’t grow flowers. Wow, that was necessary. Anyway, Beau goes to the ballet studio and gives us a run down about what it looks like.

Beau runs to Renee’s voice and realises that is her voice from a family video of Beau being stupidly clumsy. How convenient. Still, can’t slam it as Meyer thinks this is awesome. Anyway, we are meant to be so shocked that Joss doesn’t have Renee. Ermm… yay?

They talk about random crap but Beau notes how her eyes are black which means thirsty. Ermm… I have a question! How is she thirsty after two days when it really has been that long and she was described as having deep red eyes and also stated that they had recently fed. Especially when Edythe goes through two weeks of going from golden to black eyes. This makes no sense!! Joss should not be thirsty!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 36

Beau politely pauses his death scene to tell us that Joss is average looking for a vampire and that is so totally gross. Again, *insert monotone voice* I can really sense the tension here. Joss asks if he will ask the others to avenge him and Beau has to be selfless and tell us that he hopes not.

The Joss says she finds this disappointing about how easy and quick this hunt was. Ok, yes it is but…. WHY DID YOU MAKE IT THIS WAY!?!?! Joss sat on her arse and made it easy so it’s hardly a hunt. This is so stupid and hasn’t changed.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 37

Joss then wanks about how awesome they were because they went to the place that they said. No, it was stupid! She sounds like a terrible Bond villain who has to explain their deeds Anyway, Meyer hangs a great big lampshade on this utter nonsense by saying:

“I could tell she was coming to the end of her monologuing, which I didn’t get the point of anyway.”

THEN WHY IS IT THERE?!?!

This is just classic James Bond villain monologuing and it is not exciting but whammy. She has to waste time by explaining how amazing Beau was to go to Arizona (it’s not amazing) and how Joss was so awesome to guess it. We, the audience guessed it too. Then I am confused as Joss says he wasn’t sure where Beau called from but I find that odd as I did ask my mother who lived in America and she said that area codes come up from where you are calling so this would have been very simple for Joss to guess where Beau was.

Joss whips out her video camera and then I get confused. Observe:

“Obviously, you’re not important enough for her to decide to keep you. So … I’ll have to make this really offensive, won’t I?”

If Joss thinks that Edythe doesn’t really care about Beau, then why would she care about his brutal death? She is a murdering vampire after all, so maybe she would watch this video for tips? Oh, I don’t even know anymore.

So we are now at the moment where Beau knows he will die a horrifying death and Joss knows she has limited time to act. We are about to reach our terrifying fight scene so what should happen next?

Story time, of course!

Meyer decides we need more talking for the climax. I wish she would stop holding my hand as it’s annoying me. What is worse is that Joss even says that she is going to tell us a little story. I am summing it up as we know. Joss wanted Archie when he was human as he was yummy. A vampire bit Archie while at the asylum as Archie is special for having visions. Beau is all shocked as he figured it out that it is Archie she is talking about. I swear to God; pineapples are more quick witted than Beau. I still don’t get why this is here. Scratch that! I do know, Meyer for the life of her can’t have her character’s using their brains to figure things out. They are just told things at random times and go from there, we had this with Jules telling Beau that the Cullens are vampires and Carlisle just telling Bella about immortal children in the most random place. It’s never in a relevant place and just looks like story time which is very lazy writing.

Then Joss does some more talking. GET ON WITH IT!?! I swear this is worse than the original. Joss hears my cries of frustration and attacks Beau. I am quoting the next bit:

“I didn’t see what part of her hit me – it was too fast. She just blurred, there was a loud snap, and my right hand was suddenly hanging like it wasn’t connected to my elbow anymore.”

Beau sounds mildly bored that a vampire has just broken his arm. There is no emotion here and just sounds like a laundry list. He is being attacked and thinks he will die and all he does is describe it as if he is reading the ingredients of toilet cleaner.

“She waited for the pain to hit me, watched as I gasped and curled in around my broken arm.”

Wow, so much emotion. Also you don’t just gasp with a broken arm, I don’t care if he is pumping adrenaline, you don’t just gasp like it’s nothing. I’ve said before about my ankle but last year it was my round so I walked to the bar and my ankle gave way and I dropped like a sack of shit and smacked into stone. The pain was horrendous! I screamed and cried as I felt like someone had ripped my foot off and that wasn’t even broken. I got to the garden with an ice pack, I almost fainted from the pain and felt like I was going vomit. I couldn’t walk for a week after that. I did not just gasp as my God! This has nothing to do with strength and pain thresh-hold as I have a stupidly high one. So this just comes across as stupid and unbelievable.

Joss throws him against the wall of mirrors and feels the need to tell us how awesome her movie is. She breaks his finger but once again he sounds bored. Beau informs us that he has thrown up from the pain, uh-huh maybe show not tell. There is more action in this as Bella fainted pretty quickly but Meyer just can’t write emotion and pain. Joss wants Beau to ask Edythe to avenge him which he refuses. However, Joss says this and I cracked up laughing:

“It doesn’t want to scream,” she said in a funny little singsong voice. “Should we make it scream?”

Should we, precious?

gollum11_lrg

You cannot tell me that you can read that and not think of Gollum! I also thought of this too:

buffalo bill.jpg

Buffalo Bill has a precious too!

Both examples of far better villains. I know she was going for Joss de-humanising Beau by calling him ‘it’ but I just found it really funny.

Joss then nibbles Beau and he describes it as very painful and hot. Again, wow, tense. For some bizarre reason Joss now goes apeshit and wants to eat Beau. How did the blood not bother her before, especially when Archie said they are like sharks when they smell blood. This is just to ram it down our throats about how yummy Beau is. Thanks for reminding us, as we may have forgotten after the other thousand times you told us this.

Joss throws Beau into the mirrors again and Beau dryly tells us that it hurts and he thinks his bones have re-broken. We end the chapter with Beau screaming.

Do you know, the next chapter is only four pages and again there is hardly anything new except the end. Let’s crack on!

Joss decides to eat Beau but something yanked him back. WHAT COULD IT BE!?!

Grumpy Cat

Joss is then torn apart and it is described as metal screeching. I will still never understand that as they are rock and they don’t screech. Farewell Joss! You were a terrible and hammy villain so we don’t miss you.

Edythe is sobbing on Beau and screaming for Carine to help him. I thought you had two medical degrees, Edythe? Can’t you do something? Well, apparently yes, she is blowing air into Beau’s lungs. Is this even necessary? He doesn’t seem to be having trouble breathing as he isn’t describing anything but feeling like he is on fire.

Beau does feel the need to inform us how beautiful Edythe is while in his death throes. Now is not the time! They discover that Beau has been bitten and they do that stupid venom sucking thing from the original. However, now that Alice is a man he now realises he can bitch slap women and promptly does that to Edythe.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 75

Archie informs them that they are too late and he can only see two futures which is Beau as a vampire or dead. He says they are too late. I must ask why they are as Joss never stopped talking so surely there was just the same amount of time to save Beau as there was for Bella.

Archie asks if Carine can help speed up his death or make him comfortable as this is agonising for him but Carine says no as she took an oath. Fuck off Carine!

• Palliative care is to help the patient along to death in the most painless way as possible. All doctors will prescribe drugs to those in extreme pain such as diamorphine for pain as well as midazalam to help calm the anxiety and distress. You cannot tell me Carine wouldn’t have that as she is always carrying around morphine. Doctors don’t just inject people and kill people but they also wouldn’t let a patient die in excruciating circumstances when there are drugs that could help them die painlessly.

• Carine is a hypocrite as she will do no harm but created Edythe, Earnest, Eleanor and Royal who have all killed people! She has thousands of deaths on her hands due to her spawn.

They ask Beau what he wants to do. Does he want death or vampirism and he says he just wants Edythe so she bites him. The problem is though, is that she never actually says to him if he would prefer death or vampirism. She spouts loads of nonsense about how she would die if he could have his life back. He needs an explicit question as right now he is out of his mind with pain so he doesn’t understand and naturally wants to be with Edythe without understanding the implications. I don’t think this could be a well informed decision but this is what Carine did to everyone else so I am not surprised. Carine never bothered to ask or tell Earnest, Royal, Edythe and Eleanor what was happening them too. So now Beau will become a vampire all from a vague answer to a vague question. I know we are meant to think this is so dramatic but it’s not as I can guarantee that Beau will be chuffed he is a vampire just like Bella so there will be no downsides or consequences because this is happy land!

God, that was bad! It was hammy and rushed. There was action this time even if it was described in a dull and flat tone and at least we have a new twist to make it a little bit different from the original. Also it means we will never get Demonspawn as I am sure Meyer would have found a way to hand wave it if they did. We are now entering entirely new territory as we are no longer following ‘Twilight’. This is an entire new beast.

We only have two chapters to go but they will be very long posts and split into multiple parts as there is just too much to discuss. Way too much for a one off chapter recap. We have now hit the chapter of so many words. It will be long, painful and face palm worthy so I advise you all to get some drinks and food to get you through. I will need copious amount of wine.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 20 “The Birds and the Bees, Vampire Style!”

Last time our ‘heroes’ decided to split up even though that was stupid just because the plot demanded it. We are now at our climax of the novel and what excitement will befall us while a dangerous man eating vampire is desperate for Beau? Well, if you find sitting in a hotel room while they all stare at each other as exciting then this is the book for you! Let’s read the excitement that is sure to unfold.

Beau opens the chapter by being a moron as he has just woken up and has to actively remind himself as to why he is running. I really regret not having a moron count on this as these people are idiots. Beau mentions that Archie sat in the back with him but in this version I have no idea why as Alice sat in the back to have a cuddle session with Bella while she cries but no man cuddling for Beau and Archie as that would make them gay or something. I am going to slam this with a sexist point purely because when Bella is in danger she is a wreck and needs lady cuddles to calm her delicate self, whereas Beau who is a man with testicles needs none of that as he has man strength and doesn’t cry because as if men cry. Pfft! It’s like thinking men have emotions or something.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 72

Instead of crying, Beau treats Archie like his own personal fortune teller and has him give him a stream of information about where the Cullens are and what they doing. Then we have Archie talking shit and says Charlie is hard to focus on because he is human and he focuses best on vampires.

EXCUSE ME!!!!

So how on earth was Alice so sure that Bella would become a vampire or dead in ‘Midnight Sun’? She barely knew her at that time and was focusing on Bella the Human’s future. She foresaw that Bella would love her presents in ‘New Moon’ and foresaw what Bella was planning on buying her for ‘Eclipse’. How on earth could she have seen this if she has trouble seeing humans? This makes no sense whatsoever but to explain that arse pull in ‘Breaking Dawn’ when Alice says she can see humans OK but not as good as vampires.

NO!! YOU CAN SEE THEM JUST FINE!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!

Alice/Archie’s vision consistency has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. I don’t even know why this was even added. My brain hurts from the stupid so I am moving on. Well, apparently Meyer feels like I haven’t had enough stupid so slaps me with the same crap about how it took them one day to drive to Arizona when it should be three. I don’t care that vampires drive really fast because what about traffic or police officers? They do exist and vampires can’t stop them. I can’t give it a point though as it is just Meyer wanking again over how great her vampires are.

Beau then passes out and he wakes up in a hotel room. Did the hotel staff not query the two people carrying in an unconscious man? How did Beau not wake up for this? God, this is stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 34

Archie barges his way in and gives us the run down and apparently the Cullens are just running around in circles, wow tense. Archie tells Beau to eat otherwise Edythe will have a bitch fit if her instructions aren’t being followed as she is a brat. They discuss Lauren and I have to admit I have to keep reminding myself that it is Lady Laurent as there was that blonde character in the original who Meyer loved to punish and it keeps confusing me. Meyer should not have used a previous character’s name for this gender swap as it is jerking.

Beau then whines about how if any of the Cullens are hurt then he will never forgive himself. What is interesting though is that Beau does not mention Royal in his little list. That is pretty damn horrible as Royal is trying to help Beau but because he looks at Beau funny and isn’t licking his shoes means that Beau doesn’t give a crap if Royal is hurt. That is awful and ruins Beau’s selfless speech.

Archie tells him to be quiet as none of them are worried which naturally kills the tension and they are scared of losing their little buttercup as he is needed to be Edythe’s dildo. Don’t believe me:

“It’s almost a centaury that Edythe’s been alone. Now she’s found you.”

I am certain that if Joss decided to hunt and kill Jeremy then they would just sit back and let Joss get on with it as Jeremy isn’t Edythe’s chosen dildo. Archie then spills this sickening speech about how due to his powers that he and Beau are already BFFs and how they spend hours being arseholes to Royal and talking to Carine. How adorable! Must ask one thing though?

HOW THE FUCK DOES HE SEE THIS IF HE CAN’T SEE HUMANS WELL?!?!?!

explosion

This is worse as she said in the beginning of this damn book that she used this gender swap to make Alice’s visions more consistent. Well that failed didn’t it.

Also, why does Archie hate Royal so much? What has Royal done to him? I have no idea why Royal puts up with this as I would just leave and start my own life away from these horrible people. Ergh, anyway, Beau asks if they are friends and Archie waxes poetically about how they are the Bestest Friends for Everest and how he can’t wait for Beau to hurry up and feel the same. This is so clearly another attempt at avoiding relationship building as Archie foresaw their friendship so BAM! They are now.

They then spend the day staring at each other, wow this is like so totally tense and scary for a climax of a novel. Well, Beau is at least asking questions but we hardly see them but I burst out laughing when Beau asks if his constant questions are like living with Edythe:

‘She tries not to be obnoxious about it.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That is hilarious! She is the most obnoxious donkey I have ever had the misfortune to read about. Archie goes on about how he woke up and remembered nothing about being human but I still don’t care. Archie laughs and says due to his short hair that he may have been a criminal mastermind. I doubt it as you people are huge morons.

Archie then wanks over how amazing his “darling” * vomits* is at fighting but I really don’t get why this was included. We then get some utter nonsense of Archie saying that he can see Beau well in his visions as he is sitting there and he is concentrating.

WHAT!?!?!

NO! Alice had all those above visions and Bella wasn’t there so that is stupid. Beau wasn’t there when Archie had a vision of all that nonsense about their BFF antics but he saw those pretty well. Oh, well maybe he was just concentrating more but that just makes it sound like Archie couldn’t really be bothered to focus on Charlie as that is effort even though that could help save Charlie’s life but he can spend plenty of times dreaming of him and Beau in onesies watching ‘Frozen’ together. Priorities people!

Beau then decides he hasn’t been selfless for a few pages and whines that he would spend forever in the hotel room if it meant Edythe was safe. This is just stupid as she is a telepath so has a huge advantage, she is a super charged vampire and massive amounts of back up! Edythe is hardly going to challenge Joss to duel while everyone watches them kill each other. Also, it is just coming off as sexist now as it sounds like Beau saying that as if his delicate little snowflake could do man things like fighting.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 73

Beau then decides to beg Archie for the information about how people become vampires. For some reason Edythe doesn’t want Beau to know and will throw an almighty tantrum if he is told. Why are they all scared of this little twit? Archie decides to tell him anyway but first has to have a wank over how amazing vampires are by listing all their powers but once again mentions nature. I have screamed about this enough but it still annoys me to no end.

He then goes on about their venom about how it is used to subdue their prey. I still think this sounds stupid from a nature point of view as nature doesn’t create super charged predators and they don’t need venom. It could have been interesting if venom was for purely reproductive purposes as it does create new vampires. Especially as biting in vampire lore is seen as a sexual metaphor, so the biting is sexual intercourse and that creates new vampire life via the venom coursing through the blood stream. If it was established as that then I could by it as nature dictates that flora and fauna need to reproduce in some way. We know it is not that as that would make Carine and Edythe creepy but also Meyer is a child and won’t even discuss sex in her novels and uses stupid metaphors. This is from the ‘Breaking Dawn’ FAQ where she discusses Demonspawn’s conception:

“I didn’t get into all of these details at my signings because it’s a long, complicated mouthful. Also, it’s hard to be clearly heard with all the screaming. Mostly, though, I waited to do this in writing because I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words “seminal fluids” in public.”

God lord, woman! Grow up! You have three children so you know how sex works.

Archie explains that if the venom is left to spread while the victim is still alive then they will become a vampire and it like hurts and stuff. I still don’t buy it as Bella was able to lay there like a dead slug and refuses to scream as that would make Edward sad. Doesn’t sound as bad as they are making out to me because if it was then Bella would scream even if she didn’t want too. Nope, she just laid there and thought of England.

Archie explains that it is difficult turning people because vampires, which don’t forget are better than us pond scum, turn into rabid animals when feeding so turning someone is hard. Yeah, just use a syringe like Edward!

For some strange reason we get this line which involves wanking over Archie and shitting on Royal:

“It was hard for me to believe that Archie could have been a criminal, though; there was something intrinsically good about his face. Royal was the showy one, the one the girls at school stared at, but there was something better than perfection about Archie’s face. It was totally pure.”

I vomited again.

What was that!?! Why did he have to bash Royal again, considering he is saving his useless arse. Also, no Archie is a criminal. He committed countless murders for over thirty years and frequently commits fraud via predicting the stock markets. He is a thief and a murderer so no I do not buy this crap. Also it was just so sickly sweet that I feel ill.

Archie says that it is OK for him not to remember as there is nothing to miss which does seem fair to me but says Royal struggled as he misses his sisters. Beau scoffs that Archie is trying to make him change his mind about Royal. I really don’t get Beau as Royal has done nothing to him, he is allowed to dislike people just like Beau does. Beau comes across as so bitchy and entitled that it is disgusting.

Beau asks what it would mean for his Mum and Dad if he became a vampire. They would think you are dead?! You can’t see them again. Why is this so hard to understand?!

Next up is Archie jumping up and drawing the ballet studio, that took Meyer one page. We then get utter idiocy with Edythe telling Beau that Joss stole a plane.

confused-cat

Huh? How does this savage nomad who walks around with bare feet and twigs in her hair know how to fly a plane? Oh right, she is a vampire and is perfect at everything. My bad!

Beau panics about Charlie and Edythe says it’s fine as Royal and Earnest are watching him and once again Beau has to shit on Royal by saying his presence doesn’t comfort him. This is so much worse than Rosalie! Meyer used her to punish the beautiful girls in High School, is she now punishing the handsome men who never looked at her or rejected her in High School and is now punishing them as she is STEPHENIE MEYER! I must admit I am really getting that vibe.

Edythe and Beau then go on about how they love each other which is more love retcon, she is really cramming it into this book. Anyway, Beau tells them that the room is a ballet studio and says it’s the one his mother taught at. He has to tell us that she didn’t last long as she is useless, how lovely! What did strike me though was that it was changed to him being dragged there to watch rather than taking lessons like Bella. Why? Boys take ballet and look at the famous interpretation of ‘Swan Lake’ by Michael Bourne where the whole cast was men. This is just another sexist point as men don’t take ballet, they like mud and sports.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 74

They then go on about how it can’t be the same ballet studio and they have no idea how this could be involved. Morons. Meyer dates her work again by having Renee and her husband not owning mobile phones even though they are on the road which is stupid but the plot says so otherwise we wouldn’t get the nonsense to come.

We end with Beau asking his Mum to call him and noting that Archie and Jessamine are just staring at the walls for hours. Wow, this ends on such a tense and exciting cliff hanger. Screw you, ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ which left us with the cliff hanger of Sirius’ death. We have wall staring here!

Next time, we see Joss calling Beau and the stupidity will be discussed as ‘Breaking Dawn’ truly destroyed this plot line. So close to the end!

‘Need You Dead’ by Peter James: The Cash Cow Needs to Be Put Down!

I’ve paused ‘Life and Death’ briefly for this review as I just recently read this book, I will get back to the recap/review after this.

Peter-James-Book

I started reading the Roy Grace novels back in 2015 when I worked alone in a shop with very few customers so to pass the time I managed to get through the first ten of these books in a short space of time. I loved them! Yes, there were a couple that were a bit of a stinker but these books had such a variety when it came to murder mysteries from organ harvesting, snuff movies and a black widow. I also loved how the books were set in Brighton which is where I used to live at the time. There was something quite exciting reading your protagonist having a pint in your local pub or a headless torso found in the field behind your house. However, I started getting a bit disillusioned with the books every time the new one was released. However, I was hoping that the next one would go back to the glory days which it did with ‘Love You Dead’ but then I read ‘Need You Dead’ and my hopes went down the toilet. It was a mess and I want to discuss why this book was appalling and why I believe it is time the series was put to rest.

There will be spoilers so I would stop reading if you want to remain in the dark.

Characterisation

What is great about this series is that it isn’t just a murder mystery series where the characters are just 2D cut-outs while the murder is being solved. You have a wide array of characters but most of the focus is on Roy Grace who is the lead inspector for major crimes. We start the series with Grace as a workaholic policeman who still pines over his wife Sandy who disappeared without a trace ten years before the novels start. He starts to move on with his life and meets and marries a mortuary assistant called Cleo in which they eventually have a son together. However, through the course of the series the reader discovers that Sandy is still alive and lives in Germany with their son that Grace never knew about. Tragedy strikes when Sandy is hit by a taxi in Germany and then commits suicide but leaves Grace a note entrusting him with their son.

So when we pick up ‘Need You Dead’ you expect a lot of character development as Grace has a ten-year-old son and is described as a bit odd. However, we don’t get that as Grace flies to Germany, picks up Bruno and dumps him on his wife for the weekend as he can’t be bothered and would rather be at work. That comes across as beyond ridiculous as he was simpering the whole time about how he hopes his son will love him but instead just says “Whelp! Too much effort!” We barely have any insight into Bruno, considering he is meant to be bizarre, which I am calling it to be Aspergers and I will flip a table if it is as I am sick of aspies being labelled as weird and sinister. Anyway, I digress as we see nothing except Bruno playing games and holding the baby. I honestly feel that James would rather dazzle us with police procedure rather than character building.

This becomes painfully obvious with the rest of the support cast where they are either warped out of character or reset back to cardboard cut-outs. Grace’s wife Cleo starts the series off as a bright, witty and interesting character when they start dating, she loves her job in the mortuary and we would see her frequently in her place of work so we got to see her work dynamic and relationships with others. Not anymore, now she is there to strictly be Grace’s wife. All her characterisation is gone and all she does now is say ‘darling’ constantly and pamper Grace. She comes across as the perfect Stepford Wife rather than the independent woman she once was. She has no personality and all her conversations are about children, coddling her husband or joining a spa. We don’t even see her at work anymore even though we know she still works in the mortuary as it is explicitly stated that her back is a bit sore after carrying a 38 stone corpse. Yet, we never see her there anymore. She is just a 2D cut out to pamper our protagonist and that is lazy writing.

Cleo isn’t the only one though. Grace’s best friend Glen Branson has been reset to the first novel characterisation. At first he was there for comic relief with his interaction with Grace as he was the fun one and served to loosen up Grace so he could move on with his life. However, we see an arc with Branson. His wife leaves him and shacks up with another man fairly quickly leaving him devastated as she is restricting his time with his children. Then he is struck another blow when his ex-wife dies in surgery and suddenly has custody of his children and learning to juggle lone fatherhood with a demanding job. We see him recovering from his loss and finding love again with a journalist. He goes through a genuine character arc but that is all reset in ‘Need You Dead’. Branson goes back to being the 2D cut-out comedy relief but it isn’t funny anymore as he just repeats the same jokes constantly. We have heard these jokes for thirteen books now and they are just dried out and dead as this series.

Another character that had a genuine character arc was Norman Potting, a fifty-five-year old officer who is extremely impolitically correct. He tells bad jokes and is just a bit gross but he proves himself to be a shrewd and competent policeman and falls in love with Bella Moy who he clashed with in the early books. They are very happy together and Potting mellows which shows character growth. We see his grief when Bella dies in a fire and how he copes with that. Then we hit ‘Need You Dead’, it’s only been a few months since Bella’s death but Potting has been reset to his gross and pervy self when he starts eyeing up a young officer. This is just lazy!

Then we have our designated series villain ACC Cassian Pewe, who should be twirling a moustache while strapping some maiden to a train track. He is just a 2D villain and is nothing more than a thorn in Grace’s side but he just comes across as tacky and stupid. We have the backstory that he had an affair with Grace’s wife Sandy, which Grace does not know. I can see where this is going, I am convinced Pewe will be Bruno’s father because as if Grace would have an odd son, his sperm is perfect.

This leads us back to the characterisation of Grace and what makes their relationship worse is the cliff hanger where a dangerous hitman who magically goes from nearly brain dead to escaping a hospital ward in two days is treated by Grace as hilarious because HAHA! Pewe will look silly as he had to remove the 24-hour guard due to police cuts. This just makes Grace look childish and therefore doesn’t give Pewe any gravity as a villain as Grace isn’t worried or angry with him but is relishing in his humiliation. It also makes Grace look appalling as a very dangerous man is now free but all he cares about is his rival being humiliated, that comes across as callous and an idiot. This does seem to be a new element of Grace and it is not a pleasant one, as when he finds out his friend was the sort of killer (still very mixed though as James couldn’t be bothered to explain it to us) then he acts caring to stop him killing himself and promises to help him but when his friend fails Grace goes back on every promise he made and treats him like a cold blooded murderer which he is not as it was clearly an accident and he panicked. Grace just comes across as a petty man who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

So all in all, the characterisation is appalling. Peter James clearly couldn’t be bothered with it and most of the characters could be puppets for all we know. I might have been forgiving if the plot was excellent but well, it really isn’t.

Plot

As I said earlier, I loved these books because the plots were exciting and different such as an organ harvesting ring. Sometimes the plots were obvious as Peter James has a tendency to make a fuss about a certain plot point which makes his twist obvious. The most damning one to me was in ‘Not Dead Enough’ where a man is arrested for murder as his DNA was found in each murder scene but was adamant he was not there but the minute James made a fuss that the suspect was adopted then it was obvious that he had a twin and they were separated at birth so when that twist happened I was not shocked. Yet, in ‘Need You Dead’ I feel that James took this to ridiculous extremes. I will explain via discussing the plot.

We start off with Lorna Belling who is in an abusive relationship with her husband Corin but she is having an affair with a man named Greg. She is furious to realise that Greg lied about his name and his relationship with his wife. She plans to confront him but things are escalating badly with her husband who violently attacks her and the police are called. She arranges to meet Greg at their secret rented flat and confronts him while she is in the bath. Greg is desperate to explain and she attacks him so Greg pushes her back and she knocks her head on the tiles. Greg leaves scared and returns an hour later to find her dead in the bath with a hairdryer in there which was attached to a dodgy wall socket so she has clearly been electrocuted. He cleans up and leaves in a panic. We learn via his point of view that he devastated and this leaves him to become desperate to save himself. What he does throughout the novel is hardly commendable as he tries to frame others but his POV shows him losing his sanity. We then jump into the Who Dunnit but it becomes more and more silly.

The police confront her husband but he runs away and dies in a car accident. The whole time it feels like I have James dancing naked in front of me waving signs telling me it’s him. Well, it can’t be as we only are only a quarter of the way through. This happens with several men, one is a detective on the case who looks dishevelled and stressed. Once, again James is naked and doing the dance of seven veils for me but with so much more of the book to go through it is just annoying as it is clearly his attempt at a red herring. He could have done this subtly but he didn’t, James makes so much of a fuss about his supposed ‘red herrings’ that they come across as lazy and stupid. As I am not stupid, it became obvious who the actual murderer was and no I was not surprised.

The plot was dull and slow with just a constant drum beat of ‘COULD IT BE HIM?! IT’S HIM!!!” followed by “WHELP! I guess not!” with a rinse and repeat. The plot just seems to be a constant police interview which is hardly exciting.

We then dive straight into the climax which is so rushed that it just feels like James’ wants this book done and dusted. We are hit with the news of who did it but considering it is an established character then it should have been given more plot time but it doesn’t. We have a stupid and rushed chase and once the culprit has been caught we rush through and skip his interview to find out why this happened. We also never find out how the hairdryer ended up in the bath tub which is terrible as that plagued the culprit as he was never sure if he actually killed Lorna or if it was an accident. We should know how that hair dryer got in the bath as it was an important plot point. It’s infuriating as we spent so long with James farting around with failed herrings and spending forever on explaining police procedures.

The latter has become a serious problem with the plot and story-telling. In the first few novels you don’t mind James explaining how murder inquiries, interviews and 999 dispatches work but now we are thirteen novels in which means we don’t need this as we know! The reader is not an idiot. What is worse is that he is taking longer to explain facts and information that we already know. It’s tedious and nothing but padding for the sake of laziness. I would rather have characterisation and plot rather than a copy and pasted police manual. I wonder if James does think his readers are morons as there is so much hand-holding going on, I think he must feel like he has to explicitly explain plot points and procedures because otherwise we would not understand his masterpieces. I find that insulting when authors do this as I do have a functioning brain.

‘Need You Dead’ pads where it is not needed but rushes so much in the end, he desperately tries to set up a cliff hanger but because he is incapable of not showing off about how much he has researched then he spoils it. Why am I going to be scared about a False Widow spider crawling on Grace’s baby when he goes to great lengths to explain to us that their bites are not fatal. He wants to show us his learnings but ruins his plot and flow of the novel and he is getting worse with every book.

Timelines and Continuity

The last section to discuss is timelines and continuity. There is no nice way of saying this but these are appalling. The series starts in 2005 and the books are dated as being set then but as they progress we get references to the changes and events in Brighton and the surrounding areas such as the 2012 London Olympics, the Ferris Wheel which came in 2011, the Shoreham Air Show Disaster in 2015 and then the building and opening of the i360 in 2016/2017. That would mean that if James followed this then his books should have spanned twelve years.

Yet, they haven’t, there are references to the hitman’s first appearance in ‘Need You Dead’ and was described as last year but that is impossible as the book was dated as 2011 so should have been six years ago. To keep his books relevant to current events in Brighton he completely destroys his timelines. It beyond enraged me that in ‘Love You Dead’ he describes how the i360 has just started being built but the events of that book between ‘Need You Dead’ are very close together, as ‘Love You Dead’ finishes at the end of February and the beginning of March but the events of the new book take place at the end of April beginning of May so it’s amazing how it went from being built to being open for a few weeks as a friend of Grace took his children on it which he said was a few weeks ago. He made sure the i360 was open so he could have his daring climax on that structure but that has made his timeline worse than it was as before it was vague references for colour but not now.

I may sound pedantic but I don’t think I am as I think it just comes across as sloppy and lazy. He should either refuse to date his work in the books so he can have all these changes to the setting and I don’t think I would mind that if we had no explicit dates but I get annoyed when it is explicitly dated but the events only span three years. That is lazy! You can’t have it both ways and I get infuriated that he lovingly describes police procedure every book but can’t keep his time line straight. It just shows that he doesn’t care about the world he has created.

Conclusion

These books are so obviously a cash cow now that James knows he can churn out sub-standard material that will sell well so he can roll in some more money. It is become more than clear that he knows he doesn’t need to put in the effort as he has rabid fans who will buy whatever tripe he throws at them and they don’t see how bad the characterisation and plot is. However, there is a growing section of the fan base who are becoming deeply unsatisfied with his work and many online reviews have said that they won’t buy anymore of the books and are sad about it as it was a series they loved. The cash cow has become a rotting horse corpse from being flogged too much and it is time the series wrapped up in the next instalment. It is hard seeing a series you loved and characters you enjoyed being reduced to 2D cardboard cut outs with sloppy and lazy plots that are injected with useless information and James dancing around naked spoiling the twists.

I know that won’t happen though, the money is too good and James has an easy way of bathing in money by churning out rubbish as those rabid fans will continue to lap it up and never criticise him. It’s a shame really and I doubt he will learn when to stop. Will I read the next one? I really don’t know as I still want to hope that the series will return to its glory days but I think if I do then I will buy it second hand just like all the other awful novels I review here.

Next time I will be back to ‘Life and Death’ as I am so close to the finish line and I’ll be free of Beau and Edythe!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 19 “How to Destroy a Novel’s Climax in a Few Easy Steps!”

Last time we saw the vampires who so were not supposed to be in Forks, come to Forks and they decided that Beau was a delicious pulled pork sandwich and that they have to eat him. Edythe had a tantrum but decided to allow Beau to make up an excuse to Charlie as to why he was running. We start this chapter with Edythe pulling up to Charlie’s house. Shall we continue? Of course!

Edythe hisses bitchily at Beau telling him to get a goddamn move on as Joss isn’t here so he should hurry the fuck up! Beau for some reason gets all upset about saying goodbye to Eleanor which is bizarre as he doesn’t know her. I guess because she is a Cullen so therefore deserves his emotions. However, Edythe snaps at Beau that he has only fifteen minutes to say goodbye to Charlie. She is horrible! He is scared and trying to protect his father but she treats him like this? Logic is for losers as Beau has to kiss her and say how much he loves her. I feel like Meyer is trying to cram in the ‘I love you’ as Bella and Edward barely said it to each other.

I’m summing up the next page as it’s just Beau screaming at Charlie about how he wants to go home. Same old copy and pasted nonsense. Charlie grabs him and asks if he is on drugs which seems random but maybe logical as this is the most emotion and life Charlie has probably seen in Beau so probably thinks he is on a bad coke trip.

Charlie begs Beau to tell him what happened and Beau decides to have a bratty tantrum by saying that Edythe wants marriage and babies in Forks but he doesn’t want to turn out like his dead beat Dad and stay in the same area. He also felt the need to tell his Dad how hot and beautiful Edythe is, just in case we had forgotten.

Charlie tries to beg Beau to stay, why beg? Use your parental authority and ground his arse so he doesn’t try and drive across the country at night because of a childish tantrum. Charlie doesn’t know about the vampire situation so all he is seeing is his son screaming and foot stomping, yes he tried to reason with him but that isn’t working so use your authority and stop him leaving!

Cartman.jpg

Like that!

Beau decides that he has to really hurt his Dad and say the same words that his mother said to Charlie when she left. I am going to quote this even though it hasn’t changed as it is still stupid:

“It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”

Oh, burn! No, that doesn’t work and it just sounds childish and stupid. How could Meyer think this was so cutting and hurtful? It sounds like a child saying they hate their friend because they stole their sweets. This really should have been changed and it doesn’t need to include swearing either but change it to something more mature as the impact is just not there.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 33

Well apparently Charlie needs to get some ice for his major burn because he just let’s go and watches Beau leave. Wow, great parenting there, Charlie! Your son says something vaguely cruel and you just let him run off into the night.

Anyway, Edythe demands that she drives and informs us that Joss caught the end of the conversation while Eleanor jumps on the truck. I summed up a page in one sentence. These books are pure padding which is why I don’t feel guilty for using some of these pages for fire fodder.

Edythe hasn’t been a bitch for ten minutes so feels the need to rectify that by sneering how she didn’t realise he hated small town life and thought that she was making life more interesting for him. SHUT UP!! Now is not the time and the earth does not centre on you, Edythe. It focuses on Beau.

*SCREAMING*

I needed that as we know he does in this sad and strange little universe. Beau feels bad for a few seconds due to what he said to his father but then promptly forgets about his Dad as Oh Noes! He will be parted from Edythe for a few days and that’s worse. The end of this book makes this conversation so much worse.

Ergh, next is Beau trying to be selfless and humble but he comes across as a sociopathic creep. Observe:

“Okay, I was there. Big deal. It didn’t bother the other two. Why did Joss decide to kill me? There are people all over the place – people who are a lot easier to get to.” I glanced over my shoulder at Eleanor’s shadow. “Why am I worth all this trouble?”

Fuck off, Beau!

I know he is trying to sound all humble and say why me?! I’m nothing. It is literally for us and the Cullens to rush in and say that he is special and how much he is worth saving. We forgive Harry Potter when he says this as he keeps losing people very close to him in traumatic circumstances and he usually witnesses this. He naturally thought ‘why me?!’ in the ‘Order of the Phoenix’ as Sirius just died due to his mistake and then finds out about the prophecy that has made him a marked man since birth. We understand and yes Harry does wallow but then he picks his arse up and vows to avenge those who died and kill Voldemort as that is what needs to be done. He doesn’t just lay there while everyone else does it for him and then be called special. I know Meyer would hand-wave it and say that both Harry and Voldemort are humans and not like her super-charged vampires. No! Voldemort is a powerful and for most of series an immortal wizard whereas Harry is a teenager who hasn’t even finished his education, also he isn’t even the best student but he takes his human strength and ability to love to defeat Voldemort. Beau is just a lazy shit who flops around and does nothing. He is not special.

I also hate how he is basically implying that he wished Joss would just go and kill someone else. I know when something awful happens and you think ‘why me?’ but you don’t then hope that the awful situation on someone else. Say you had a terminally ill child, you wouldn’t look at the playing child in a park and wish they had it. People would usually say they wouldn’t wish their situation on their worst enemy when things are truly bad. Well, not Beau. He would much rather have someone else get eaten because it’s not like it’s someone he knows. Ergh, I hate that phrase in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Funny that now the eating is now bad as he didn’t care if Edythe did it.

Edythe says that it is partially his fault as he smells like a combination of bacon and coffee (I love those smells). Edythe then says that if she didn’t freak out then Joss wouldn’t have bothered but she likes to hunt things and seems to think hunting Beau will be really exciting due to his protection. Well, that will fail in a few chapters.

Beau asks why as he thought that he only smelled like brownies to Edythe but she has to inform us that no, he is extra yummy to her but he is still the yummiest human to ever walk the earth as he is just so special and amazing. Thanks for that, I may have forgotten how much Beau is better than me.

Edythe informs us that she will have to kill Joss and looks shocked when she thinks Beau wants her to live. Well, Beau has to tell us that he couldn’t give a flying fuck if Edythe kills another living thing with her bare hands but he is worried about his snuggle-muffin getting hurt. I know Joss is bad but most people still feel uncomfortable about people getting murdered even if they are bad. We may cheer on TV when the bad guy dies but not so much in real life. At least look uncomfortable that Edythe will kill someone.

Beau asks how one kills a vampire and Edythe tells us that they have to be ripped apart and burnt alive. Lovely! Apparently Eleanor can hear this and positively excited as she hasn’t had a chance to murder something other than a bear for a while and she can’t wait. This just makes her look sociopathic as she isn’t feeling bad that she has to kill a fellow vampire for the safety of her family but is actively excited and gleeful to have the chance to rip someone apart and set them on fire. Eleanor is insane. Why am I meant to like her? That is horrible.

Beau however feels happier about this as Eleanor wants Edythe out of the way for when she rips Joss’ head clean off and dances around her corpse. She is happier because he would rather Eleanor was hurt rather than Edythe. Love makes this guy even worse and I hate him.

They go into the Cullen house and they are shocked that Lauren is there. I don’t care as most of this chapter has been copy and pasted. Lauren informs them that Joss will stop at nothing and that a coven of seven is doomed because two vampires with no offensive abilities will come for them. I feel no tension as the Cullen’s have this in the bag!

Lauren asks if this is all worth it as Beau is just a human. No! Beau is way more special and amazing than some lowly human, they would just let one of them die but not Beau! Lauren decides that this is all too much drama llama for her and decides to go up to Denali and become an animal eating vampire. I guess as this is a stand-alone book then she will live happily after with Man Irina.

They decide to split up even though Joss is outside circling, that is still stupid as someone could stay with Beau in the house, doesn’t matter whom as if Edythe is part of the hunting party then she could hear them coming to the house so would be ready to attack and inform everyone else so they could corner them and kill them as seven against two is pretty good odds. Instead, they just split up and make themselves more fragmented because the plot demands it. This is so stupid and it hurts more as it’s the second time.

Edythe yells at Royal to trade clothes with Beau, why Royal as he is a tall and beefy monster. He is described as huge and muscly whereas I picture Beau as quite gangly. Anyway, Earnest volunteers instead so he picks up Beau and takes him to a dark room and for a change Beau undresses himself whereas in the original Esme undressed Bella. Hmm….. maybe there is some lesbian undertones? Meyer is way too repressed to do that deliberately.

Meyer also shows off how she is stuck in the 1990s as she makes a fuss that the Cullens have a small mobile phone. I am not impressed now as we now live in the world of smart phones but even twelve years ago I wouldn’t be impressed as mobile phones were still cheap and easy to access. They discuss which cars they will take. *Yawn* I don’t care.

Edythe and Beau say goodbye and by that I mean they touch faces for a while. What does creep me out though is when Beau describes their fleeting kiss as cold and hard. I am now convinced Beau has necrophilia fetish and likes them in the rigamortis stage. I just grossed myself out so I think I will pour some wine.

We end this awful chapter with Jessamine telling Beau that he is so worth saving as he is awesome and amazing and special and so spectacular. I am so glad I poured wine. Archie then comes in and carries Beau to the car as he is clearly incapable of walking himself.

I have noticed that the chapters are much shorter now that the climax has wandered in. It is more than obvious that Meyer loved to lavish so much attention and detail of Beau/Bella dazzling the Crab People and then their epic love with Edythe/Edward. She really doesn’t like conflict, but it becomes more obvious with this book now that we have ‘Breaking Dawn’ where every conflict is brushed under the carpet as Meyer hates it as she would rather write about how awesome Bella is. The climax of ‘Breaking Dawn’ only lasted four chapters at the most considering there was thirty-nine chapters in that book. Imagine if Harry Potter was like that and Voldemort just wandered in after a stupid amount of chapters that only consisted of frolicking.

However, Harry Potter is relevant again as the climax chapters of the ‘Goblet of Fire’ were pretty short but they were tense as Cedric died, Voldemort rose from the cauldron and Harry duels with him in a graveyard where he sees the echoes of Cedric and his parents. It may have been short but it was emotional and action packed. We cared! This is just swapping clothes and being stupid. It doesn’t even get better as we then spend a few chapters in a hotel room while people stare at each other. That isn’t interesting or tense and it should be as this is the goddamn climax of the book! I want to be tense, scared and emotional but I am just bored.

It is beyond obvious that Meyer hates writing conflict and action which means that the climax is just dull. I don’t care as the characters don’t care, well except Beau but that’s because he is worried about Edythe. It just becomes more glaring in this book as we have had all the others now and it is obvious. We have ‘Eclipse’ where we see none of the new-born army battles but just see Edward having a dance off with Victoria that doesn’t even last long and then the battle that never was in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Books need conflict in the climax otherwise no one cares and falls asleep. It is more than clear that it is not developed here as Meyer couldn’t be bothered so why should we muster up the emotions to care? Well, we don’t. Meyer can clearly only write wank fantasies.

Next time, is Beau sitting in an hotel room while action sort of happens away from him. We are so close to the end but we are also very close to the chapter of so many words which fills me with dread. I’ll just drink my wine and pretend it doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening. I am happy to live in that denial.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 18 “Everyone is a Goddamn Moron!”

Last time we saw vampires playing baseball and the climax stumbled in like an uninvited guest. I say uninvited as there has been no foreshadowing whatsoever that three rogue vampires will join us at the end except for that stupid throwaway comment in chapter 16. That is not foreshadowing and this should have been fixed with this version. They could have had Beau seeing on the news or newspaper of animal attacks or suspicious deaths inching closer to Forks but nope we still have 17 chapters of frolicking around with Edythe and Beau. It is still more than obvious that Meyer threw this conflict in at the last minute. I am complaining because she said she used this version to fix things but all she did was throw in some extra sexism and human bashing but didn’t fix this as it is a huge plot problem as it just comes across as random.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 32

We haven’t even started and the counts are rearing their ugly heads. Well, enough moaning as that won’t get this chapter done. Tally-ho!

The newbies move towards the Cullens and Beau describes them as a wildlife show. I would say it’s because they are animals as vampires react like rabid animals and have no compassion for anything but themselves. Why am I meant to aspire to be one of these things?!

They are described as cat-like and close to crouching to attack with leaves and crap in their hair. This is meant to show how uncivilised people eating vampires are meant to be compared to the Cullens but that fails from what we saw in ‘Breaking Dawn’ where they had lots of people eaters come to stay and the only one’s described as savage were the Amazons but that was because they aren’t white as racism is apparently so acceptable in these repugnant novels. Don’t believe me. Well:

“And then another pair of unexpected friends arrived — unexpected, because neither Carlisle nor Rosalie had been able to contact the Amazons.

“Carlisle,” the taller of the two very tall feline women greeted him when they arrived. Both of them seemed as if they’d been stretched — long arms and legs, long fingers, long black braids, and long faces with long noses. They wore nothing but animal skins — hide vests and tight-fitting pants that laced on the sides with leather ties. It wasn’t just their eccentric clothes that made them seem wild but everything about them, from their restless crimson eyes to their sudden, darting movements. I’d never met any vampires less civilized.”

It’s amazing how much the finale destroyed in terms of cannon. Also that is just awful but this isn’t our text at the moment otherwise I would be ranting. The reason I have used it is to show how much Meyer failed, she tried to show people eaters as savages but then introduced all the ANGLO people eaters who were civilised but the NOT WHITE people eaters from the Amazon were savages. We know from the guide that Victoria is English, Laurent is French and James is American so most likely white in Meyer’s sad and strange little world. This is just her standing there pointing with a massive sign that shouts ‘VILLIANS’ in case I was too stupid to understand but as we can see Meyer takes the savage vampire to all new and racist extremes in ‘Breaking Dawn’. This series is horrible and the owl below sums up my face writing this:

owl

Beau decides to pause his terror to go on about how beautiful the black haired lady is, thank you for that as we clearly needed to pause the climax to discuss dazzling beauty. Man Victoria is described as feline and crazy whereas Lady James is described as bland, not ugly because as if there is such thing as an ugly vampire.

Lady Laurent decided to introduce their pack and Beau detects a French accent. Then why does Carine not have an English accent!?! I really need to stop trying to apply logic to these things. Now to go through their names which is Lauren, Victor and Joss. Let’s discuss names!

Lauren: Seems pretty lazy to me as Meyer just knocked off the ‘t’ which makes me think she got bored of this whole name swap thing. Laurent was born in the 1700s in Paris and had an aristocratic background. No offence to all the Lauren’s out there but that name sounds too common for an aristocratic woman in the court of Louis XIV. Louise or Lucille would be far better choices for the time period. Louise especially as it’s the female version of Louis which is the common name for most French Kings. Lauren just sounds lazy.

Victor: This one is difficult as Victoria was a fail due to the guide which said that she was born in the 1550s in England when the name didn’t exist. It was used later on but in non-English speaking countries in Europe and only came popular as a name in the 1800s when Queen Victoria came to the throne. So where do we go as the original name was a history fail. The only name that may have fit is Valentine as it existed in the time but was not in the Top 50. I guess as the original name failed then I should just allow Victor.

Joss: James was born in the 1780s in the USA and I am fine with the masculine name as it is pretty common. Apparently Joss is a masculine name with German origins and was only adopted as feminine in the 20th century when it was a nickname of Jocelyn. Fail, once again. His father was French so we could of had the names Josephine or Jeanne whereas his mother was English so maybe Jane but I can understand why that wouldn’t be used. I would have gone for his French heritage.

I swear Meyer just thinks of random names and shuvs them in without thinking of their historical significance. Normally I wouldn’t care about these three as we didn’t know their history in ‘Twilight’ but since the guide has been published, we now know, so it fails.

They then talk the same crap about they want to play and how they haven’t seen anyone in ages and by that they mean vampires. Joss, Lauren and Victor are shocked that the Cullens have a home as that is just so amazing. Well, the Volturi have a home and Victor knows this due to his coven being wiped out by the Volturi so I am sure he knows they have a residence in Volterra. Even Lauren knows as she wanted to join them but was rejected due to the brief meeting with the Romanians. I can understand not knowing about the Egyptians as they live in a hole to protect Benjamin. Also, this just makes vampires look worse as they just wander around like savages, even rats have homes to go to. They just ran around eating and probably sexing judging by other vampires. Yes, I can see why they are better than me.

Lauren is so happy as she needs to wash as she is covered in shit, dirt, leaves and probably human blood. Yep, so jealous right now that I am not one of these things. Then we have this, once again I wish I had a murder count to show how little they give a shit:

“Please don’t take offense, but we’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from hunting in this immediate area. We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand.” Carine explained.

“Of course.” Lauren nodded. “We certainly won’t encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway.” She laughed. A shiver ran up spine.”

• Does that sound like the Cullens, especially Carine give a shit about human life? No, it really doesn’t. It just sounds like they refrain from murder to seem pretentious and above other vampires rather than for moral reasons. She doesn’t care about people outside of Forks being brutally murdered, she only cares about their reputation.

• That is the only epitaph those people who were brutally murdered will get, a nice little shiver from Beau.

• Why does Beau care? He made it very clear more than once that he thinks it is reasonable and fine for vampires to eat humans (as long as it is someone he doesn’t know). I think Meyer just threw that in for fear value but it just doesn’t hold due to Beau’s previous attitudes.

Now even though these vampires are well fed, they spin around when they smell the sizzling bacon that is Beau and Joss goes all savage. Edythe snarls back and Beau finds this terrifying as how can such noises comes from his delicate little snowflake. I can understand being scared that someone wants to eat you but Edythe snarling, really? Sounds like:

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 71

The people eating vampires are shocked that the Cullens could have a human that is not lunch with them as it is so amazing, unique and special. Lauren says that they will accept the invitation to talk but Joss has to make it obvious that she thinks this is stupid as she looks significantly at Victor. I know she is going to hunt Beau as this is a reimagining and not an original book. Why am I bitching? It is because that look is original to this text which makes it stupid as I know what will happen!!

They then run to the Jeep and strap Beau in like a child as he is incapable of doing that himself. I am just going to sum up the next few pages as it is exactly the same. Edythe acts like a little shit and won’t listen to anyone and wants to drive off in the sunset as Joss is a tracker who wants to eat Beau but only has Victor on her side. So clearly the situation is very dangerous as it’s seven vampires against two, wow I can see how this is a huge battle.

Beau then decides to screech about Charlie which is surprising as he doesn’t care about Charlie. Everyone screams at Edythe to look at the options but like the petulant bitch she is won’t listen to reason and screams at everyone but ignores Beau. She literally answers everyone else but Beau. True love my arse.

Eleanor speaks sense by saying that Joss is no match for them but Edythe just screams at her about how she will wait to kill Beau. You have a mind reader, someone who sees the future and an executioner in your coven of vampires so surely you could track her down and take her out. Edythe screams that Joss is some unstoppable force and you have to kill her to stop her which is pretty much what Eleanor was suggesting. Beau says he has an option but Edythe shouts at him to shut up as she knows best.

Beau suggests that they take him back to Charlie’s house and he will make an excuse and then leave. Eleanor says that is a good idea but Beau says it was an insult? Why? Are we now shitting on this character too? I thought this is a family Beau wants to join.

Blah, blah, blah more arguing. Edythe decides to agree with Beau’s plan but acts like a bitch by screaming at him to hurry the fuck up with his father. She is showing no sympathy or empathy for how Beau maybe feeling right now. She just wants to save her toy.

They agree (except Edythe) that Beau should leave town with someone else as Charlie would get suspicious as he is not a moron. They then praise Beau’s stupid plan of going Phoenix as amazing. No it is not amazing, throw him on a plane as we know he has a passport and go to that stupid island that they spent their honeymoon on. It’s secluded so they would smell the tracker easily and it would be difficult for Beau to escape like he does. Sadly, this is probably not an option as it was only created so Bella and Edward could have sex and Meyer writes by the seat of her pants so this island probably didn’t exist in her brain right now. As let’s be honest we know that Meyer writes like this:

computing.gif

They could go anywhere in the world, just because you think it is an amazing bluff to go to the place that you said expecting them to ignore it is still stupid as there is that risk that they will think you are bluffing them which happens. They don’t listen to me because Beau has to go to Phoenix, however stupid it is because the plot demanded it.

They continue to ignore me and agree that it is an awesome plan because Beau is amazing and special and different and unique. Anyway, Eleanor is thinking about killing things for fun while they drive to Charlie’s house. Edythe has to be a bitch like Edward and say to Beau that if anything bad happens to him then it is all his fault. How lovely!

Edythe asks if Jessamine can handle this and Archie yells that she has been doing really well lately. I agree with Edythe as she is the one who sees what Jessamine is thinking. Shall we look at ‘Midnight Sun’ again? This is so creepy and rapey:

“Jasper was very dangerous right now.

At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours, stopping to talk to a friend. She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers through it. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made me feel—the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatic tightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth…

This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with the feelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper’s reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than just mine.

Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it— picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the little girl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and letting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth… “

sparta

How on earth can people like Jasper as a good guy? He is fucking scary.

Jasper at this point had not eaten in two weeks and was already fantasising about killing a young girl. They do not know how long they will be holed up in a hotel room waiting for the death of Joss. What if it is more than two weeks? Will Jessamine go and find a nice armadillo to eat? It just seems flippant to me to have THAT protecting Beau when they are confirmed to have very creepy fantasies about killing people. This is why I hate Archie/Alice as they scold Edythe/Edward by saying that their little death machine is trying their best. That is really not good enough.

Also why Jessamine? Surely Jessamine would be best in the hunting party as she has experience in the new-born army and as executioner. If anything it should be Earnest or Carine that goes with Archie to Phoenix. Once again it is clearly because Meyer hadn’t thought about Jasper/Jessamine’s history at this point as they are nothing but cardboard cut-outs at this point. So I think she decided to keep couples together because as if Twu Luvs can spend more than a few minutes away from each other.

Edythe asks if Archie can deal with this and he decides to snarl for effect. Ermm….. scary?

With that we end another short chapter! We are inching ever closer to the end of this awful thing even though I have decided that I will dissect the interviews from Meyer when this was released and they really should be seen in all their glory. Next time is Beau insulting Charlie and swapping clothes with Earnest. Exciting shit right there!

This-Is-My-Excited-Face-I-Am-Really-Jumping-For-Joy-Here-Funny-Bored-Meme-Image

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 17 “The Climax Has Wandered in Drunk”

Last time, we had Edythe shitting on nurses and proving what a deranged demon she is. I can really see why this is lauded as the most romantic series EVER!! This is the chapter where a dramatic plot point comes in which heralds the upcoming climax. Normally we would be excited, but we aren’t as we know it’s dull and stupid.

Back to our story! Edythe is driving Beau home and she is having a shit fit as the Blacks have dared come to visit Charlie and Beau. Gawd, can’t they see that Beau wants to frolic with vampires. They want to warn Charlie which is understandable as they are concerned that Edythe is breaking the rules of the treaty and they just want to protect human life. They understandably don’t trust the Cullens as they just don’t trust vampires in general which is fair after a few of these things tried to commit genocide on their tribe. Edythe is just a pissy brat who thinks she is better than everyone and how dare the tribe be concerned that she may murder Beau which is something she has continually said could happen.

Edythe has to be a patronising and creepy bitch by calling Jules a child, Beau says that she isn’t much younger than him which makes Edythe smirk while she agrees. First up with Jules, how patronising is that?! Edythe shows utter contempt for anyone who isn’t Beau or vampires. I am so grateful that I won’t be reading Edythe’s version of werewolf racism with the constant insults. Secondly, what the hell is that!? Is she saying that she views Beau as a child as she is so much older and with that I must say EW!! We have enough pedo messages and relationships in this series and we really don’t need any more especially when she sings him to sleep. I’m officially creeped out again.

Edythe finally leaves but she still has to be a bitch about it. I honestly wonder how fans reacted to this as they are not swooning as their love interest has swapped genders and the demographic is largely heterosexual, so do they now see what an arsehole Edward/Edythe is. They no longer have the dreamy hunk to drool over which makes them forget the pyschosis but have this stereotypical mean girl who is beautiful and has utter contempt for anyone that she deems beneath her. Edythe is showing herself as what Meyer is meant to hate and punishes which is Lauren Mallory, most of those fans hate those type of girls but Edythe is showing herself up to be exactly that. I wonder if they finally saw what antis have said for years that Edward is an abusive and horrible bastard.

Which then makes you wonder how they see Beau. Do they see him as the guys they don’t like because he shuns and insults the ordinary and unassuming girls and goes straight for the most beautiful and richest girl? That was the point of the original in which the unassuming and mousy brunette snares the hottest guy. That was the fantasy for the demographic and one they could step into, instead they see the guy fob them off for the beautiful mean girl. Doesn’t exactly sound like the sort of fantasy that they want to live through does it? But who knows! The message boards are pretty lacklustre for this book so I couldn’t tell you but you do wonder.

Beau feels the need to whine about introducing Charlie to Edythe as she is just so beautiful for his dull and hideous life. He greets Bonnie and Jules but only slightly cheerful as Oh noes! What will they say?! Beau makes an arse out of himself by saying Charlie has found a new fishing spot which Bonnie can’t go too as it’s super duper secret. Beau being the rude snot he is as he acknowledges it, basically tells Bonnie that Charlie will be a while so they may as well leave.

Bonnie tells him that the Cullens have an unpleasant reputation on the reservation which seems fair to me as they are murderers. Beau has to be an arsehole and says he so does know but that the reputation isn’t deserved as they never step on the reservation. Beau is such a sociopath that he thinks everyone thinks the same as him. So what if they don’t come to their land they still care about other people and not just the people they know. The Cullens are murderers and Beau knows that! He is showing himself to be as selfish as Bella as he doesn’t care if they kill someone he doesn’t know and expects everyone else to feel the same. Well guess what, we don’t. I may have not known anyone in the recent terror attacks or the London fire but I feel sympathy, sorrow and heartache for those people. Beau wouldn’t as he doesn’t know them. Sociopath!

Bonnie completely crumbles when Beau says he knows the Cullens better and how it should be his decision to tell Charlie even though he gives no shits to Charlie’s welfare. Jules comes back and the Blacks say goodbye to Beau. We now wave goodbye to Jules Black who was actually pleasant and likeable, we will see her briefly later but this is where she basically walks out of the story for good. Bye Jules! You are so lucky to not have been upgraded by Meyer and turn into a furry douche like Jacob.

Beau sits and wrings his hands waiting for Charlie and what do you know? He is now home, so convenient. They are suddenly eating dinner and Beau says he spent the day at the Cullen’s house which makes Charlie drop his fork. Why? He likes the Cullens so why is this so shocking. Beau mentions he has a date with Edythe and Charlie is shocked!

Charlie asks the sensible question of how he thought none of the girls were good enough for Beau which he did say. Beau has to be a rude little shit and say nya nya his Dad said that not him. Charlie actually starts parenting by saying he needs to untwist his knickers but then collapses by apologising for being too nosey. It is not nosey for having an interest in your horrible son. Charlie asks if she is his girlfriend and Beau has to think this:

“I felt a strange sense of pride, being able to claim her this way. Kind of Neanderthal of me, but there it was.”

*Rubs Temples*

Saying that you know it is misogynistic of you does not make that statement any better. People are not fucking property!!! How is this so hard to comprehend, she is not something you bought from the market but an independent person/vampire. I hate this book!

*Flips Off Beau*

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 69

Anyway, Charlie finds it hysterical that Beau is playing baseball and is interrupted by Edythe knocking on the door. Charlie would like to answer the door of his own house but Beau pushes him out of the way and answers the door while wanking about how Edythe looks like a model. I think I may have lost my lunch. Charlie stops breathing and Beau say’s it unnerving. Yes, it really is as I think Charlie may be perving on what he thinks is an underage girl which we really don’t need. Again, we have enough perverted implications in this series and we don’t need another one. Well, Meyer seems to be getting off on everyone getting boners for Edythe as we have this:

“She unleashed the dimples, and his face went blank.”

Miss J.gif

EW!!! STOP IT!!

Sherlock

They make awkward small talk and Beau decides that his Dad has had enough time to perv at his property so it’s now time to leave. This time Beau gets into the Jeep by himself unlike Bella who was too weak and womanly to get in by herself.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 70

They waste a page with buckling up Beau’s seatbelt and Edythe has to whine that she finds it difficult being away from him for an afternoon. Please get a hobby! This is just sad. They then bore me by wasting another page of him whining about motion sickness. Just climb on her back and deal with it.

WAHHHH!!! 71

They then decide to make out and by make out it is described as this:

“They moved urgently, cold and unyielding.”

Yeah, hot. Beau sounds like a necrophilia fetishist which I guess he technically is as she is a walking corpse.

do-not-want-guy

For the love of God, get out more Meyer or at least read some heated romance novels. Not Fifty Shades though, as she doesn’t need any more abuse masquerading as love to give her ideas.

Beau decides to kiss back and that is too much for Edythe and she runs away. Edythe tells him to move his arse otherwise she will do something stupid which must mean murder as it’s always murder with her. I really wish I had a murder count now but oh well.

Off they run through the woods and then Beau falls off which Edythe finds hilarious. To be fair it probably would be a bit funny but Beau only likes laughing at others but not himself so he stalks off in a tantrum. Edythe drags him to the clearing and apologises, I wouldn’t as he is being a brat. Anyway, she says that she wants to murder him a lot and they say I love you which is weird.

We meet the Cullens on the field but they are just marking bases and running around, it’s all copy and pasted. Edythe is showing genuine enthusiasm for playing baseball which is a pleasant change as the only things that seem to bring her joy is destroying nature and murder.

Beau wanders off with Earnest who prefers to be referee to stop them cheating. Earnest admits that he sees his little psychopaths as his children and decides to tell Beau about the most painful time of his life which is just a lead in for him to wank over how awesome Edythe is and how she is his second daughter. He then proceeds to talk about how he tried to kill himself as his daughter, Grace died at age two. When I first read this I found it odd that Esme’s child went from new-born to a two-year-old but then I came to the chapter of so many words and it becomes clear and true to Meyer style, it is horrible. I will rip it to shreds when the time comes.

Still, it’s odd to use suicide and child death to wank over Edythe, surely this is rather flippant of Earnest to just mention this at a family gathering just to lead into the awesome of Edythe. Meyer, has this problem constantly. She loves to give characters tragic and horrible backgrounds to lead into something that isn’t relevant or to glorify her two leads. All we got from Rosalie’s brutal gang rape was Bella wondering if Tanya was prettier than her. Meyer seriously needs to think about what she is writing and the implications as I can’t see many people saying “Oh! Hey stranger, have I told you about the time my daughter died so I threw myself off a cliff because I couldn’t face life anymore? Play ball!” It just comes across as insensitive.

The baseball game is just as dull as the original as Beau can’t keep up due to his sucky human eyes. For some reason Beau says human baseball will always be boring to him now. Why? Beau can’t really see what is going but he can with human baseball. He is just shitting on humanity again as that is his only hobby. The game then stops as Archie has a vision and:

Screaming.gif

ZOMG!!! IT’S THE VAMPIRES WHO ARCHIE SAID WON’T VISIT BUT THEY TOTALLY ARE!! THE SHOCK AND SURPRISE!!

Grumpy Cat

Nope, not shocked as even if I didn’t know what was going to happen it was still obvious in the last chapter. However, just like the original, everyone is an idiot as these vampires are five minutes away which is more than enough time for Edythe to get Beau away as she seems to travel at the speed of sound. They reason they decide to stay put is because they think the naughty vampires will follow the scent but why? They want to play baseball, they would probably just think that one of them went to eat someone. It’s still stupid and should have been fixed by having the rogue vampires arriving immediately.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 31

Eleanor speaks for all of us by scoffing about three vampires which is true, there are seven of them and three of the rogue ones. I am sure they could take them if a fight occurred, they have Jessamine the mass vampire murderer after all. They carry on playing while commenting how much Beau stinks which is helpful. Earnest is concerned about whether if the vampires are thirsty which is legitimate concern so I won’t bitch about that.

We end the chapter with Beau shitting on Royal for some strange reason:

“I was pretty sure whatever was coming now was worse than Royal.”

Honestly, what has Royal done to you except to look at you funny. That is stupid and bitchy.

Anyway, that is the end of this chapter and we have officially hit the climax. It is drunk, thrown up in my vase and won’t get out of my house. It will probably urinate on my carpet soon to just to piss me off even more.

Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 16 “More History Fail, Shitting on Nurses and Psychosis. Fun Times!”

When we last left off we saw how allergic Meyer is to research. We have similar crap in this chapter but we are so close to the finish so that is a reason to celebrate. Off we go!

First off is to discuss is the name Carine. What is frustrating though is that I can’t find anything about this name except that it is French origin. I must admit that I doubt a Church of England vicar (I refuses to use pastor) who lived during some of the most heated religious persecution era’s would choose an obviously French name when England and France have been at each other’s throats for decades and France was a Catholic country at this point. I think Meyer picked it as she thinks France is the land of class and she thinks her vampires are classiest things to walk this earth. I just don’t think it fits, it may mean pure and kind which Meyer would want for Lady Carlisle as she thinks he/she are those things but it just doesn’t fit for the era. She should have gone for Catherine as that begins with a C but is a very common name for those times, after all Henry VIII had three wives named Catherine/Katherine.

Anyway, they walk into her office and ask Carine if she can carry on her dramatic tale of stupid. Edythe manhandles Beau around the room for some strange reason and they stare at some paintings. Carine has no time for story time or character building as she just tells Edythe to tell her personal story as she needs to go to the hospital. I still have no idea why Carine doesn’t have a London accent as they are stuck in a sense so surely she is just putting on the American accent. Oh, I don’t even know why I try and make sense of this crap.

Beau whines that they are speaking at a normal volume just for him as his human’s ears suck. They then carry on with our little story and Edythe has to go on how awesome Carine is as she after two centuries has become immune to human blood. It’s the same story of how Carine tried to kill herself but she couldn’t as she is an awesome vampire. Edythe irritates me by saying how difficult it is to resist blood as a new-born which is going to piss me off later.

Edythe destroys the whole science and nature argument again by saying there are few ways that can kill a vampire. I know, it is still annoying as nature doesn’t not create super charged beasts that can’t be killed or defeated by its prey. Everything has its weaknesses, I’m still convinced that I could take one of these things out with a flame thrower. Anyway, Carine ate some deer, swam to France blah blah blah, we know all of this and it’s copy and pasted.

Beau has the same shock as Bella did that they don’t need to breathe, well of course they don’t as they are reanimated corpses, duh! Carine gets to Italy where she meets the Volturi and when I first read this I was confused as the names are: Sulpicia, Marcus and Athendora. I was confused as the two female names are Aro’s and Cauis’ wives’ names. It becomes clear soon and it is stupid and completely unnecessary but we will come to that later.

Just in case I am confused about who is the good vampire is then the painter helped me out as Carine is wearing white. Thanks for that! Then I got confused again as Edythe points out this other girl who is called Mele and is Sulpicia’s little thief and is a servant. Well, that’s new. What is stupid though is that when Beau asks what happened to them, Edythe for some reason just says they are still there and they tried to convince Carine to eat people. Now what is odd is that Edythe does know their history and it seems bizarre that she doesn’t explain it here but explains later in the most badly timed info dump. It’s on the same level of randomness as when Bella sat and pondered about the vampire babies the night before her wedding as some sort of strange and stupid foreshadowing for the rest of the book but didn’t fit as why would she think about death babies the night before her wedding.

We then have Carine wandering off to America and she began working as a nurse. I know Meyer is trying to fit Carine with the times by having her as a nurse but well she didn’t have to be. Elizabeth Blackwell became the first female doctor in 1847 and if Carine is as amazing as they say then I can’t see why she wasn’t able to became a doctor too. Edythe even says she exceeded the skills of all surgeons but due to being a woman then she couldn’t be a doctor. There are a few issues here:

• Again, why?! There is a pretty impressive list that shows women doctors from 1847 after Blackwell in the USA. That took me three minutes to find so it isn’t hard.

• Why surgeons? That seems odd to me as surgery was still in its infancy before antibiotics, anaesthesia and sterilisation so why compare to them for this time.

• Also how on earth did she exceed the skills of surgeons if she wasn’t able to train as a doctor? Where on earth did she get the cadavers to practise on if she wasn’t studying with them? I am now convinced that Carine broke into cemeteries at night and stole freshly buried corpses to play with. Great, just what we needed. More horrible implications.

• SCREW YOU! Nurses are the backbone of medicine and so under appreciated. They learn anatomy and physiology just like doctors and learn all about diseases and treatments. Many times it is the nurse that will save your life as they spend more time with patients than doctors and can spot misdiagnoses as the doctor may spend ten minutes with a patient but nurses are there far more. They are not there to just wash patients and hold their hands. They train damn hard to become a nurse and people choose to be nurses not because they aren’t smart enough to be a doctor. I hate that attitude so much as my Mum is a nurse and an amazing one at that. So I will say it again: FUCK YOU!

Then Edythe has to shit on human doctors by saying she did what she could to save people from the doctors, well less able ones. Guess what, I have already said this but will say it again: most nurses do that! Nurses are a patient’s biggest advocate as they know them so it’s nothing special for Carine to do that. It is just such a disgusting implication that nurses are not good enough and are lowly morons who only wipe bums all day. I can almost hear Meyer saying to a nurse who was trying to give her advice “Pah, you’re just a nurse”.

After that awful crap, we now have Edythe telling us again how she was changed. We now have Edythe telling Beau how she went off to ‘experiment’ *sniggers*. I must admit it does enrage me with how she describes her murderous spree:

“I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence – about ten years after I was … born … created, whatever created you want to call it.”

It is not rebellious it is fucking murder! How is this so hard to comprehend?! I hate Meyer trying to sanitise her vampires to the point that they are just Gods who drink blood. No, they are murdering scum and no amounts of flowery and sanitising language will make it different. If anything it makes them worse as they clearly aren’t repentant as they refuse to acknowledge what they have done.

Beau proves that he is meant to be a vampire as he has no issues with that and thinks Edythe murdering hundreds of people is reasonable. Beau is a psychopath, there is no other explanation. At least pretend to be shocked and repulsed! He just doesn’t care that hundreds of people died horrendous deaths because Edythe was being a brat. Also, it is not teenage rebellion, that would be getting a piercing that your parents forbade you to get or drinking value branded vodka in the park. This is just murder, pure and simple.

There is no point screaming at Meyer to have changed this as she agrees with Beau/Bella. She thinks that vampires have every right to kill people as we are beneath her abominations. If you want to be horrified, then I suggest you read this link:

http://www.twilightlexicon.com/2007/05/20/personal-correspondence-12/

Well, Edythe finds this hilarious! She also justifies it by saying she went for would be murderers and rapists but no it doesn’t as Edythe has no right to be judge, jury and executioner. What if that person had a mental illness and wouldn’t have committed the thoughts they had as Edythe only reads surface thoughts. How does she know unless they are wandering around thinking: “Hmm, I’m in the mood for some murdering today.” You just don’t know but even if they were evil then why does Edythe think she has any right to just murder them. Also, she is just using that to excuse her awful behaviour.

Edythe decides that her red eyes made her sad so she went back to Carine and Earnest and they welcomed her back with no discussion of the mass murder she committed. These people are the worst parents ever! Surely they should have condemned her for her actions or something?!? Especially as we always hear about how much they respect human life. Well clearly not. It is obvious in these books that Meyer hates boundaries and rules so wrote the perfect parents who inflict none of that on their spawn. Parents don’t scold and have boundaries just to be downers but so they don’t raise tyrants.

They promptly forget Edythe’s murder sprees to satisfy her own appetite by looking at her room. They look at her CDs and Edythe is deliriously happy as she likes that she has found a fellow psychopath to love. Beau tells her that she isn’t that scary. I can assure you that she is as she is deranged. Edythe sees this as a challenge as she loves the idea of fear, it gets her off. She growls at him. Ooo scwary!! I don’t find the idea of a small teenager growling at me that scary.

She then proceeds to tackle him and purr for some strange reason. I didn’t know that Edythe was a cat too. Beau says that she is a terrifying monster which pleases Edythe as she a sick woman with murder fetishes. Then he says he loves her because I think Meyer realised that Bella and Edward barely said it to each other so is cramming it in. Archie and Jessamine storm in and Archie feels the need to make this tasteless joke:

“It sounded like you were having Beau for lunch,” Archie said, “and we came to see if you would share.”

HAHAHA MURDER IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!! LAUGH.

Grumpy Cat

NO!

The thing is though, is that they could have been deadly serious as they know Edythe is struggling with bloodlust for Beau. Also, if they were at serious then consider that no one has bothered to come and help Beau and to try and save his life, even Earnest with his apparent love for all things didn’t bother even though he probably heard this growling and pouncing crap. They just didn’t care! I can really see how much they want to protect humanity.

OK, let’s say they know it was just playing then that is still a tasteless joke as Beau knows the situation and with a psycho like Jessamine hanging around then it just makes it worse. These people are horrible.

We end the chapter with Archie inviting Edythe and Beau to play baseball later on and with that we are done. Wow, this was relatively short.

Next time we don’t see vampire baseball as Beau can’t see it due to his sucky eyes and the climax wanders in drunk and throws up cheap vodka on my shoes. Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 15 “The Historical Research is as Successful as Charles I’s Reign”

Last chapter consisted of just talking and it was dull and horrifying which is actually pretty impressive. This time we get to meet the Cullens officially and as Meyer thinks everything she wrote with them is perfect then I suspect a lot of copy and pasting but as we have learnt by now that doesn’t mean there will be nothing stupid and/or horrifying.

Beau wakes up and Edythe has to tell him how awesome he is as his hair is perfect. She says all this in his rocking chair which creeps me out. I can just imagine her breathing heavily while rubbing her thighs when she watches him sleep while sinisterly rocking in that chair slowly. *Shudder* Considering everything she writes is unicorns and rainbows as nothing bad happens to these people she has a unique ability to scare the crap out of me with her creepy and psychotic characters.

Beau for some strange reason sinks to his knees to stroke Edythe’s face. I swear to God; this man is so close to sacrificing a chicken in honour of this woman. Edythe mentions that Charlie has already left as God forbid they are inconvenienced in any way. Beau then utters this utterly bizarre line:

“He’d be gone all day. So it was just me and Edythe, in an empty house, with no need to go anywhere. So much time. I felt like some crazy old miser, gloating over his piles of gold coins, only instead of coins, it was seconds that I hoarded.”

First image I got was this:

scrooge_mcduck-e1334907919275

That is such a bizarre statement to make over time and even though it says the gold represents time I am still convinced he means Edythe as well. Ownership is love, yo! Also, he is clearly thinking with his pecker. You know he is after their talk last night.

Beau is all devastated that Edythe left for ten minutes to change while he was asleep as he is a clingy piss-ant. Edythe then gets all doe eyed as Beau said he loved her in between his snores and drooling. I went into this last chapter so no point again but people don’t say this shit in their sleep. They then just stare at each other and say how much they love each other and how they are each other’s lives now as hobbies, friends and family are null and void when it comes to love. I will never understand this attitude. When I love someone romantically I don’t want to see their face all the time as familiarity breeds contempt, I guess it’s because I don’t have a Twu Wuv. Oh Noes! Na, I still don’t care as that would drive me bat shit crazy. Next up is more humanity bashing as Beau’s stomach rumbles:

“Humanity is so overrated”

Why?! Because you need to feed? That is just stupid and I hate your whining.

WAHHHH!!! 69

Wow, haven’t seen him complain in a while. I think it’s because he has been too busy staring at Edythe to whine as his brain can’t do two things at once. Beau acts like a tit and pretends to grab his throat and Edythe just glares at him as she hates whimsy. Beau goes off to get changed and then promptly creeps me out again:

“I did think to grab a pullover, so she wouldn’t worry about me getting cold.”

I know it sounds innocent but with all the stuff of Edward and Edythe treating them like children then it just creeps me out to no end. Beau enters the kitchen and asks Edythe what she will be making for him even though she says food smells rank to her now and well it is his damn kitchen. Make it yourself, you swine!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 66

Beau starts eating his cereal like a savage and Beau asks Edythe what she would like to do today. She does say she has an idea if he is up for it but Beau as he is a mindless golem due to love says he will like it no matter what. Anyway, Edythe asks if he would like to meet her family today. Beau starts choking and once he is OK, Edythe feels the need to scold him as it made her nervous. SHUT UP!! People don’t choke on purpose, you stupid chicken.

Beau ponders this for a while and for some stupid reason Edythe gets off on the fact that she thinks she has finally scared him. Why on earth does she want to scare him? It is not because she wants him to leave as she will just stalk him anyway. Then for some strange reason Beau thinks there will be a fight between Royal and Edythe, this is just destroying the statements that the Cullens are such a loving family. They clearly only tolerate each other for survival.

Edythe mentions that Archie has already seen that they may pop over and for some reason this makes Beau go all coy like a Bennett sister. He is worried about what Archie may have seen last night. WHY!?! YOU DID NOTHING!?! He makes it sound like that they shagged on the floor for hours on end. All they did was cuddle, well kind of. Beau has the maturity of a seven-year-old.

Once, again Meyer does not think about what she is writing as she makes a tasteless joke about how the Cullens were taking bets on whether Edythe would kill him. How is that funny?! It’s murder and would affect many people but all they think about is taking bets as it hilarious. These people are psychotic and if this was a horror story then kudos to the author but I am meant to aspire to be one of these awful things. I still have no idea why they drink animal blood as they clearly don’t give a flying shit about human lives. You could argue that they were always like this, even as humans but we know they weren’t from the guide. In the guide they are all fairly decent people who met horrific ends but none of them show any inkling to this level of sociopathy. The venom clearly warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic monster who doesn’t care about murder and actively finds it funny. It has nothing to do with them being a top predator as I think most of us find animal cruelty sickening and would not find it funny. Those who do find animal cruelty funny are usually those who are sociopathic and psychotic. So them being a predator is no excuse, they are just horrible people.

Beau agrees to go to their house which shows how stupid he considering he knows that these people don’t care about whether he lives or dies. Edythe then demands that Beau introduces her to Charlie as his girlfriend. Beau has decided that he hasn’t been pathetic enough so whines that girlfriend doesn’t sound enough to describe their epic love that is better than yours! It’s been a few days, Beau. Calm the fuck down.

They then go on about how they want to be together forever and ever as their love is just so great. Well, Beau says that and Edythe looks bummed out which makes me think that Beau has definitely decided that he wants to be a vampire as mortality is an issue here when it comes to forever, especially when one is immortal.

Next Edythe grabs his face and lightly touched her cold dead lips to his which I am sure makes all of Beau’s blood flood into his penis as he then faints. He explains that he forgot to breathe, no one forgets to breathe you moron. This was stupid in the original and it is stupid here but can’t slam it as it is not a mistake but because Meyer loves this scene as she herself is a moron.

They then drive to a Casa de Cullen and it is still the great stone Georgian style monstrosity that it was before. How on earth was this able to be built in a National and therefore government owned forest? It’s like that stupid arse stone cottage which shouldn’t exist in ‘Breaking Dawn’, these are just giant pimples in a National Forest. They go on and Meyer fails again by implying that this awful thing is old as it has had renovations such as a massive window taking over one side of the house. There is no way an old mansion would just be plonked in a forest, especially as the land would have been inhabited by loggers who built with wood. Old mansions are in inhabited places like towns so the rich can show off how much money they have. But let’s say for arguments sake that is was for reasons then what the hell is Earnest doing!?! Just like Esme, he has no taste and loves destroying historic buildings. I just hope to God; they don’t go to Rome as he would probably paint over the Sistine Chapel with a nice Egyptian Cotton matt paint.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 30

They spot Carine and Earnest but we also need to be reminded that the Cullens have money and no concept of colour as Beau observes a huge white grand piano. Moving on! Beau gets a boner for Edythe’s mum which is creepy and observes how kind Earnest looks. I am sure he is as much of a doormat as Esme was who does nothing but hums and cuddles her babies after they brutally murdered someone.

They take forever to say hello and Beau says how he feels part of the family within two seconds, he is clearly plotting it. Archie then squees with delight and shouts out “Edy!” which is an odd nickname for Edythe due to the length of her name and the syllables. Edward maybe be two but Edy does sound like a nickname whereas it just sounds weird here.

Archie still comes across as much of a twee little twit that Alice was, so Meyer needs to man it up by giving Beau a one armed bro-hug. She really says that, and I am sure they made sure that their testicles aren’t touching as that would mean they are gay now. Meyer loves to use the term bro whenever there is any sort of male closeness as if she is terrified that they will seem effeminate and therefore gay. Men can hug other men, it’s not weird and it is normal but adding the word “bro” just sounds like Beau is trying to protect his fragile masculinity. Once again it’s like the insane products you see like MAN HAND SOAP FOR MEN!! GRRR MEN!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 67

Beau is shocked to think that Archie already likes him, it is because he is a slave to his visions and saw you as friends so BAM you are now. That’s because relationship building is hard work and Meyer doesn’t have time for that. Archie tells Beau that he smells yummy as we must bow to the awesome of Beau! Also, that is so inappropriate as Beau doesn’t know who made the bets for his death and he knows his smell made Edythe almost eat him. Not funny!!

Jessamine decides to lit up a magical spliff as Beau now feels all serene and relaxed. That gift is creepy. She then just stares at him and says hello which Beau wanks over as everyone is so welcoming. They are just saying hello, calm down. Edythe and Carine stare dramatically at each other so Beau decides that it has been a while since he has slated his mother:

“I was going to buy a grand piano for my mother. She wasn’t really good.”

Why was that even unnecessary? They then marvel over Edythe’s awesome and Daddy Earnest creeps me out as much as Mummy Esme by chiding someone older than him for showing off but still glows with pride. It creeps me out it seems with Esme that she is so obsessed with babies and children that she is incapable of not wrapping up her adult surrogate vampires with blankets and singing at them.

Well, Edythe starts playing and everyone marvels over her awesome as she is the greatest piano player that ever played. I just can’t get excited as these people are always too good so the surprise is completely gone. Edythe then plays Beau’s lullaby and I am creeped out again as lullabies are for babies and small children, not lovers. Blergh! This whole chapter is creeping me out.

Meyer decides that the introductions were enough character building for one day so all the Cullens disappear to give them privacy. That is stupid as surely they want to get to know the guy that could put their entire family in danger but also to see if the guy their favourite child (she so is) is dating is good enough for her. Edythe blathers on about how Earnest loves him which again is stupid as they exchanged a few sentences together which was nothing more than polite conversation.

Even though everyone bows down and worships Beau, he still has to whine because Royal is the only one who won’t. I don’t know why he cares so much. Edythe explains that he is jealous as he wants to be human.

WAHHHH!!! 70

Then we get this stupidity as to why Earnest thinks Beau is the greatest:

“Earnest probably wouldn’t care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time he’s been worrying about me, afraid I was too young when Carine changed me, that there was something missing from my essential makeup.”

You hear that everyone! If you don’t find your true love immediately or have no interest in romance, then there is something wrong with you. It’s not your choice to not pursue that, it is actually because there is something missing from your brain. How lovely! I wonder how Earnest would feel if Edythe came home with McKayla instead? Probably burst into flames.

I am so slamming it with a sexist point as it’s now worse as it’s Edythe as so many women get this attitude as they get older. Think about it women who never marry get slammed with the term spinster which is unflattering and usually makes people think of Miss Havisham. Whereas men carry the label of bachelor which has none of those bad connotations of an unloved shrew who will die alone and be eaten by her thousands of cats as they are the only ones who loved her.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 68

Meyer decides to hint at the climax but it doesn’t come across as subtle, it comes across as:

ARCHIE SAID MAN EATING VAMPIRES ARE AROUND BUT WE WON’T SEE THEM, NOPE, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM EVER AS THEY WILL GO ELSEWHERE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

ducky

Yeah, they so won’t meet these people eating vampires at the end of the day. It makes it even more stupid now as we know the plot. Edythe explains that Carine will ask them to hunt elsewhere due to their reputation, nothing about the blatant murder of human beings. These people are awful.

They stroll around the house and Beau spots a huge cross on the wall decides that because it looks old means it must be valuable. Just like Bella, Beau only sees the price tag rather than the historical significance as he is a classless bore.

We will now enter historical fail time!

Edythe explains that it was Carine’s father’s cross and that she was born in 1640 in London. She comments that it could have been another date as the peasant folk didn’t have a sense of time. Well, actually you would find that they did as the Gregorian calendar was in full use by the 1500s.

I get the impression that Meyer, due to and no offense to any Americans out there but due to Meyer’s stupidity probably just thinks Oh! that’s old as taught American history is a lot shorter than Europe’s due to people ignoring the Native Americans. I think Meyer thinks that the 1640s is like super old and therefore confuses the Stuart period with Medieval which it is not by any means. There are arguments about when the Early Modern Era starts, some historians say 1492 with the discovery of the Americas or 1533 with the dissolution of the Catholic church under Henry VIII. The Stuart era was hardly Medieval due to the advances in science, understanding and the experiences of becoming more global by conquering people.

She says that he was an Anglican Pastor but he would be far more likely to have been known as Protestant Vicar so once again this is a history fail. He believed in witches, vampires and werewolves and went out on little hunting parties. Edythe states that a lot of innocent people were burnt at the stake (no shit).

Well once again, Meyer fails her history as yes, witch persecutions were still going on but in England, however, this was dying out by 1663 when Carine was turned but when they did execute those accused then they preferred to hang them first. Burning witches in the 1600s was wide spread in German speaking countries and Scotland but not in England. So, we have another fail.

But it’s not just witches! There are also vampires but once again, vampire myth wasn’t a huge thing in England. Most of the myths for vampires in that era were from Eastern Europe. The vampire myth was very common there but not so much in England. The vampire myth became popular in the late 1700s when Gothic literature emerged. Witches were the big deal in the Stuart Era for persecution which again was already dying out. I think she is using her American centric history here as witch persecutions did continue for longer when we in England were pretty much over it. I guess we could say that her father was just a lunatic who continued to believe but I call fail.

Carine believed in science apparently which I find odd as she shouldn’t have been taught this if she was a vicar’s daughter. She was not of the higher classes where they were educated but in languages rather than science. She should not have this knowledge or understanding as it’s not like she could just walk into a newsagents and subscribe to National Geographic. She wanted him to look at true evidence but what true evidence? Where on earth would she learn what the true evidence is? Maybe, to look at the reasons why these people couldn’t be witches but she would have been raised with these superstitions and to most they were more than that. They were fact and widely believed. Her father clearly believed it and scoffed at her science knowledge so where on earth did she learn the sciences?! I know it is Meyer trying to make Carine look more awesome but it doesn’t as it just doesn’t make any sense.

Carine’s father finds some vampires in the mythical sewers of Stuart London. Also, why would they live in these mythical sewers? These are super-charged Meyer Vampires, why are they hiding away from humans that they can easily kill and living like rats. Edythe feels the need to stamp on humanity by commenting that as if these vampires would flee in fear from pathetic humans who have pathetic weapons. Well then, why are living like rats in a mythical sewer?! However, Carine was at home so how would she know that they waited at one end with weapons and tried to smoke them out. She would have no idea that they fled as when he got home, they were confronted by a vampire. It’s not described like that as this is:

STORY TIME!

She is holding my hand through this and it’s annoying. There are so many dramatic pauses and so many: “oooo who could it be in the house.” Edythe has to pause Carine’s terror as even though the guy was dressed as a beggar he was pretty. Thanks for that, we really needed to pause this dramatic tale of drama to remind us that vampires are pretty.

This vampire speaks Latin as he is better than humans but what do you know! Carine speaks Latin too, which again is unusual as there are two types of Latin: Roman and Medieval (specifically church). Medieval Latin which is primarily used for scholarship learning of the church and is rarely spoken. For another dose of fail, Medieval Latin was used in the Catholic Church which is a huge no no in Protestant England. It would seem very unlikely that a Protestant vicar would teach his daughter this, it also would be unlikely he would know it well. He would have had the King James version of the Bible which was published in 1611 and was translated into English. I would say we are in 1663 now as Carlisle so therefore Carine turned at age 23. So Let’s be generous due to life expectancy and say that her father is fifty years old even then he would have been born two years after the King James Bible was published. He would have no reason to learn Latin for Biblical study as he has his new shiny Bible. So let’s go for Roman Latin, Carine would have absolutely no reason or the means to learn this and where would she learn it? This is just Meyer wanking over how refined her vampires and Carine are.

Then we get all Soap Opera with Carine’s Dad throwing himself on the vampire. They talk as if they are in a day time soap opera with the vampire declaring:

“Go to hell knowing this – that what you love will become all you hate.”

Do you want some cheese with that ham?

I almost expected him to start laughing while twirling his moustache. He then bites Carine and tortures the vicar while she watches and it’s all very dramatic. Funny how Carine remembers all this but Edythe who is much younger remembers fuck all.

Anyway! That is the end of that awful chapter. Next time is Edythe and Beau talking some more which is always thrilling but at least the climax is inching closer.