DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS!! YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

For those who know me, know that I love Harry Potter! I have read those books more times than I care to count and on a personal level those books were there for me when I had no friends and hated school due to bullying but Hogwarts was always there to welcome me home. I can smash a Harry Potter quiz and was even Quidditch Captain at university. So yes, I am a self-confessed fan, except for the films. The big reason I dislike the films is due to me being a stickler for cannon. I always hated how vital plot points were cut for long cinematic shots and random crap. I’m looking at you, Half Blood Prince! Why concentrate on the awesome plot of Voldemort’s back story when we can have teenagers gawping awkwardly at each other. Anyway, that quick rant was important as that’s why I’m not a film fan as cannon is important to me. I warn you all, this blog is long so I have split it into two parts.

When the play was announced I was excited that the script would be released as I knew I wouldn’t be able to see the play. Now, I love spoilers! I don’t know why but I will look up spoilers and when the spoilers for the play came out I searched for them. I gleefully read them but as I read my face went from joy to absolute horror. Surely this nonsense was not true! Surely some troll had spread this as this cannot have been approved. Then the script was released and my worst fears were confirmed. The spoilers were true and I died a little inside.

Now, there will be spoilers in this post so now is your last chance to turn back. I am going to post spoilers because to really get my point across as to why I hated the script then I have to, otherwise it will be just me saying “GAH!!! I hate this bit because it destroys cannon but I can’t tell you why so just accept it!” That’s boring. Also I feel no guilt even after the “Keep the Secret” campaign, the script has been out for long enough now and I have put up enough warnings for those who want to stay in the dark.

Still here? Let’s get cracking. I love Harry Potter as it’s cleverly written and doesn’t rely on clichés. Now I’m sure many of you have read fanfiction? Some of it was very well written but others are atrocious and fall victim to every cliché imaginable. I did not expect the script to tick this many crappy fanfiction boxes or to piss over established cannon. I expected better.

First off, let’s start with the plot. I was genuinely excited to see what the next generation story would be like and see how they tackle the aftermath of the war. Nope, don’t get that! Instead we get fanfictions favourite overused plot: time travel. Rowling purposely got rid of time turners because of that reason, it’s a tacky plot and she didn’t want them used again. So why were they used again? It just seems lazy to me and came out of nowhere. Why would Amos Diggory all of sudden hate Harry and demand he goes back to save Cedric. It’s convoluted and lazy! So off go Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy to save Cedric, who is some dude they never met. Cedric isn’t Fred or Remus, someone that would make sense for them to want to save as they have seen the direct consequences of their deaths. Naturally they screw it up even though this random chick named Delphi, who is Amos’ niece (more on her later) tries to instruct them. They cause various alternative universes. One is where Voldemort took over and we have Voldemort day (woo!) and Harry is dead. Scorpius is known as the Scorpion King (blergh!) and is a douche now. Hermione and Ron sacrifice themselves to the Dementors. Eventually the universe is restored and the time turner is lost. I should cheer but after several stupid alternative universes I don’t care.

The climax is that Amos Diggory’s random niece is ZOMG GASP!! Voldemort’s daughter. That point for me was when I honestly threw the book against the wall. No ranting, just seething with rage. Then lots of ranting naturally, my poor Mum had to listen to it. That was honestly the most stupid thing I had ever read. How many Mary Sue fanfictions involve a cannon character’s long lost daughter appearing? I am going to go into characterisation later so I shall tackle how Delphi affects the plot. It is one massive plot hole for drama. The books could introduce something so subtle that you didn’t notice it until it became important and you realise how clever it was. The one that comes to mind is Slytherin’s locket and Ravenclaw’s diadem and how cleverly they were mentioned. Delphi does not come under that. She is the daughter of Voldemort and Bellatrix, born just before the Battle of Hogwarts. This comes as a big shock to Draco Malfoy, but it shouldn’t! He should have known she existed as he was there in Malfoy Manor with Bellatrix. Did he just think she suffered from 9 months of bloating?!?! How did he not notice a baby or anything?! It’s ridiculous and pisses all over cannon. That is such a fanfiction trope that it’s stupid and enrages me to no end as this is not fanfiction! This is meant to be the continuation of cannon.

Anyway, that stupid bint reveals all and wants time changed so she can meet Daddy, sit on his lap and ask for bedtime stories or some shit like that. I don’t even know anymore. Another time turner magically appears (out of someone’s arse, probably) and they all go back to the night the Potters die as Delphi wants to convince Daddy not to try and kill Harry thus saving him and his powers. They stop this bint even though she is apparently more powerful then Harry, the fucking wizard who defeated Daddykins by the way. Thus cannon is restored and everyone hugs and resolves their differences whoop-ti-shit! I’m sorry but this is lazy and is nothing but fanfiction. I do not care that Rowling did not write this nonsense, this was her original story and she gave final approval so when people who hate the script try to lay all the blame on Jack Thorne, that’s not fair.

I’ll stop here as the next section is characterisation and bloody hell there is a lot to discuss regarding that nonsense.

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