DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS!! YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Well after the nonsense that was the plot means that it’s time to discuss characterisation. I can’t go into all of them as we will be here forever. Once again there will be spoilers as me just bitching about the characters being warped but not explaining why is dull and a waste of time.

The characterisation in this play is atrocious and it pisses me off to see the well-rounded and developed characters that I love warped OOC just like many crappy fanfic authors do.

To start off this parade of OOCness is Harry Potter. The first point that got me was that Harry Potter, the man who saved the Philosopher’s Stone at eleven, collapsed when Dementors were near but fought to learn how to defeat them, defeated Voldemort at seventeen. That Harry Potter is now scared of fucking pigeons. Yes, the Chosen One is scared of pigeons. I know we all have irrational fears but when you have been marked man since birth it seems unlikely he would be scared of a bloody cooing pigeon. Then there is his attitude and treatment of his youngest son, Albus. Yes, Albus is an angsty teenager but who wasn’t? I was shocked at how Harry reacted to Albus being sorted into Slytherin it was a repeat of Dumbledore and the Goblet fiasco. To those who don’t know or need to be reminded:

Book Dumbledore: “Did you put your name is the Goblet of Fire, Harry?” Dumbledore asked calmly.

Film Dumbledore: “DID YOU PUT YOUR MUTHAFUCKING NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH!?!” *Bitch slaps Harry*

Now Harry’s reaction to his son being sorted into Slytherin:

Deathly Hallows Harry (I’m paraphrasing): “If you are in Slytherin then they have gained an excellent new member.”

Cursed Child Harry: “YOU LITTLE SHIT!! DISHONOUR ON YOU! DISHONOUR ON YOUR COW!! *Bitch slaps Albus*

Yeah, doesn’t seem like Harry does it? Seems like he was warped OOC to provide cheap conflict and wangst so our pay off at the end is the sappy crap of them accepting each other. I was not amused. I get parents struggle to connect and lose their tempers to their teenage children but what got me the most was that Harry would even say that he wishes Albus wasn’t his son. I seriously doubt cannon Harry would ever say that after a childhood of being ignored and abused by the Dursleys. Then Harry says that he struggles with fatherhood as he never had a father figure. *Calmly closes the book. Glares at the book*

EXCUSE ME!!! Did Arthur Weasley, Hagrid, Lupin and Sirius just disappear from cannon? Especially as Arthur is now your FATHER IN LAW!!! You are an ungrateful little shit, Harry.

*THROWS CHAIR!!*

Let’s move on before I give myself a rage induced hernia. Ron Weasley is one of my favourite characters and I hated what the films did to him. They made him into pure comic relief who only thinks of his stomach and is an oaf. Most of his great lines were given to Hermione so his character was flat. Not in the books though, he is brave, provides knowledge of the wizarding world and is the one who displays the most common sense especially in the devil snare scene. Ron also shows how loyal he is as he is constantly outshined by Harry’s fame and Hermione’s brains but he is there for them. In the play however, Ron is nothing more than a stupid oaf who is there for nothing other but comic relief. Yes, Ron is the comic relief in the books but he is so much more than that. His ambition is dead as he is still working at the joke shop rather than pursuing his dream of being an Auror. Ron is just the same pointless character as in the films to further the spotlight on Hermione. I love Hermione in the books but she can be such a Mary Sue in the films and Ron’s characterisation suffered for it. It’s the same with the play, Ron is a moron for the sole purpose of keeping Hermione on her pedestal. They are meant to complement each other but they don’t and that makes me sad as it is just undermines their relationship that the books built up.

I can sum up Hermione pretty quickly. She is her movie Sue self. I’m pleased she is Minister of Magic but her character is dull. I love Hermione for her flaws, she is real to me and one of my all-time favourite literary characters. I loathe her film self as she is just too perfect and that’s the impression of her in the play. In the first AU we have Hermione as a vindictive shrew all because her MAN didn’t go for her! OH NOES!!! So Hermione becomes a nasty and prudish shrew because she is single. I think feminism may have just died a bit as that is insanely offensive! I have been rejected, cheated on and ghosted. Does that make me a mixed breed of shrew/harpy? I like to think not as a man doesn’t define me! I’m now scared that Meyer wrote this. Meh, the play is so shit and warps cannon that I wouldn’t be surprised. Now in the AU where Voldemort takes over, Hermione is the leader of the resistance which I admire but at the same time, she again comes across as such a Mary Sue. I want my book Hermione! Flaws and all.

Ginny is a non-entity just like her film self. The feisty Ginny, who was the only girl out six brothers is gone. She is a dull and lifeless character who spends her time wringing her hands with worry then being her badass self and hexing the baddies with the bat bogey hex. Also she has banned her children from eating sweets. No, seriously she has. I know parents worry about nutrition and the effects of sugar but SERIOUSLY?!? Nope, I don’t buy it, this is the same as Harry and the pigeons.

Rose Weasley is a horrible and judgemental child. She is a bitch when Albus makes friends with Scorpius Malfoy and the final nail in the coffin is when he is sorted into Slytherin. She flat out refuses to talk to her cousin. I would like to have thought she would have been raised without horrible prejudiced attitudes considering her mother was treated horribly for being muggle born and her father was looked down for being a blood traitor. Why Scorpius wants to date that horrible girl is beyond me and she never changes her views.

Albus Potter is one of the main protagonists and I’m not to discuss him much as he is dull and flat. He really is, he is full of angst for being the son of Harry and being sorted into Slytherin. That’s it, angst and dull! His only redeeming quality is his bromance with Scorpius. They are adorable together.

Wow, this is long! I can’t stop though as we still have the Malfoys, and Delphi so do apologise. I think we’ll tackle the Malfoys first as they are likeable (seriously) but there will be ranting and then I will finish Delphi and explode.

So Draco Malfoy is actually likeable! He still seems like his cannon self but has grown and learnt from his experiences. He is no longer the prejudiced douche but someone who has grown up. He loves his son and loved his deceased wife, who helped him grow. So yes, Malfoy has an actual character arc so I applaud that. However, Draco has the stupidest back story in this play. There are rumours that Draco is infertile so to carry on the Malfoy name, the Malfoys gave Astoria (Draco’s wife) a time turner (seriously do these things grow like daisies?) to go back in time and get knocked up by Voldemort. No seriously, the wizarding world thinks Scorpius is the spawn of Voldemort because of Draco’s slow swimmers.

*THROWS CHAIR THROUGH THE WINDOW*

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! This is just beyond stupid. Are you telling me that Astoria went back time offered herself to Voldemort and he just said “Meh, why not?” and then she comes back with a bun in the oven. No! No! No! Voldemort would not do that and also would he let some woman leave with a very powerful magical object? NO! It’s ridiculous and anyone with half a brain could tell this is bullshit. Thankfully this rumour is just a rumour but why was it there? If it’s an attempt at foreshadowing, then it’s not. It’s just stupid and insults me.

Then we have Scorpius Malfoy, who I love! He is just so sweet, considerate and funny. He is a genuinely likeable character and I want to rescue him from this mess. I love his relationship with his Dad and Albus. Awww, I love Scorpius and Albus together. They are so sweet and I want them to be a couple. I don’t care that Scorpius fancies Rose; I want to believe he is hiding his feelings for Albus. At the end of the day this play is such a cannon mess that I will ship who I want.

Oops forgot one last mention before I get to Delphi. Cedric Diggory! Cedric is saved via losing the Triwizard Tournament through Albus and Scorpius’ manipulation and is so humiliated that he becomes a Death Eater. Yeah….. no. Cedric Diggory who died because he was good to the core and valued fair sportsmanship. Cedric, who wanted a rematch after Harry fell off his broom from Dementors. Cedric who repaid Harry for the tip about the dragon and made the Hufflepuffs leave him alone. Cedric who refused to take the cup and bring glory to Hufflepuff because Harry was hurt and couldn’t run and agreed to tie with him. CEDRIC FUCKING DIGGORY WOULD NOT BECOME A DEATH EATER BECAUSE HE WAS HUMILATED!!! Cedric represented all the good that came from Hufflepuff house and would never become a death eater. I’m sorry but no. That was the biggest OOC warp in this play and I threw my book again.

I did warn you guys this was bloody long!

Now we get to Delphi. There isn’t much to say about her because she is such a flaming Mary Sue straight from fanfiction land. She has a wacky hair colour, the bitch can fly without a broom and the worst cliché of all: Voldemort’s fucking daughter. She is therefore a stupid plot convenience and a bad soap opera style drama. I hate her existence and the big reason is because she is Voldemort’s daughter. I will destroy this stupid plot with the power of cannon! Voldemort would not have sex with Bellatrix. First reason: Voldemort cannot feel love because he conceived under a love potion. Now I’m not saying that sex = love but Voldemort does not keep anyone close. He does not have friends; they are merely servants. He only values Bellatrix because she is fiercely devoted, powerful and loyal. Not because she is female, he doesn’t care! Voldemort works alone and will always work alone. His Death Eaters are merely minions. He would not get naked and get physically intimate with Bellatrix, I use that phrase not because I don’t want to say sex but because that’s what it is. Intimate! When you have sex with someone you are naked, intimate and vulnerable no matter the context or location. Voldemort would not do that!

Now the next point which makes this whole mess even more ridiculous. Voldemort worked alone so therefore would he honestly want an heir that is the product of two incredibly powerful magical beings. Voldemort is so paranoid of death and defeat that he created horcruxes and attempted to murder a baby all because of a prophesy that stated a child may have the power to defeat him. Heirs can be a massive risk especially when a state is taken by force as they can plot to overthrow their parent and claim power for themselves as it is their birth right. So if Voldemort did have sex with Bellatrix and get her pregnant would he honestly risk that possible outcome? No, he wouldn’t and he would have no qualms of killing Bellatrix to make sure of that as he isn’t averse to killing children. Bellatrix is useful so long as she is loyal. Nothing more. Voldemort would not allow this child to live.

Last point, so let’s say Bellatrix knew he would kill her so kept it hidden as she wanted this child. Unlikely too, Bellatrix is so fanatical with her devotion towards Voldemort that a mere child would not stand in the way of that devotion. This is the woman who said to Narcissa that she should be proud that Draco was given the task of killing Dumbledore and may die. She explicitly says that she would give up all her sons if she had them to Voldemort. You may say that when you get pregnant you will keep and protect that child no matter what. That does not apply to Bellatrix, she has the maternal instinct of a hamster. This is not Bellatrix’s characterisation, she is heartless and obsessed with Voldemort. She would not lie to Voldemort about a pregnancy for the sake of the child as her sole motivation is her devotion to Voldemort. She stood by Voldemort to the bitter end and that is her character. She is an insane fanatic and will never change. This makes Delphi’s existence ridiculous as if you look at cannon characterisation as she would not exist. She is just a pathetic excuse for drama and a half arsed villain. Her very existence is the biggest cannon violation in this play and I will not accept it.

Now, I’m sure many of you think I am being harsh as those who have seen the play praise the wonderful actors, scenery and special effects and seem to love the play. Yes, I may only have the play script but that means I can really analyse the plot without being dazzled by special effects. I don’t like movies that try and dazzle me into submission with amazing special effects but the plot is thin. I find them boring and won’t watch them. This is the same for this play. Also those who say it’s different as it’s a script rather than a book so I don’t like it because I’m not used to reading plays. I can assure you I studied Theatre Studies, I have read many scripts so the argument is invalid. I don’t care how dazzling the play is, the plot is poor, lazy and pisses all over the cannon I love.

I know I have ranted a lot but I feel like I must make a comparison. I like to read the books people rave about to see why but also to see what the antis were talking about. Sadly, I have read everything Meyer has written. Now some of you may be unaware of the fallout made by Breaking Dawn the last book in the Twilight Saga. I bring this up as they share many similarities. Both experienced spoilers before the release and both Meyer and Rowling asked for the internet to sort of stop for a bit as their work had to be experienced (forgetting that people like me love spoilers). I’m not going to lie I hated the “Don’t Be a Pettigrew” line as I may have wanted spoilers and sought them out but I would never spoil it for others. When these spoilers hit many fans read them and thought “Oh no no no this can’t be true, this is fake.” Like Breaking Dawn when the copies were released and the fans realised that this was true and they were not happy. We may laugh at Twihards and say the plots were ridiculous so what did they expect. No, the characters and plots were either dropped or warped to the point they were unrecognisable. I’m no fan of Twilight but there was a huge difference between the first three and the last. The fans were angry and rightfully so. That book was an insult to the fans. The cannon they loved was gone.

How is this relevant? I feel exactly the same as those Twifans. I feel betrayed by this play. Everything I understood and loved about the Harry Potter universe for example how well planned the plot and characters were. I loved those characters and every time I read the books the plots were just as clever as the first time I read them. This play pissed all over that and destroyed everything I thought was important in Harry Potter. The only excuse for Breaking Dawn is that it was written directly after Twilight before publication and that it was Meyer’s personal wank fantasy and she was damn well not going to change that. Meyer has proven many times that she will turn on her fans when they have complaints rather than just blindly worshiping her. I’m not condoning it but it makes sense as Meyer always said her books were written for an audience of one: herself. She doesn’t care! Rowling cares! She loves her fans and is one of the best parts of the fandom. This is why this play hurts me. Rowling has proven that she is a fantastic writer and made the Harry Potter universe a wonderful thing to experience. Then this play just destroys that and I have long windedly explained why. This play makes me angry but also very sad as I never thought this would be approved because yes, Jack Thorne may have written it but this is Rowling’s story.

I still love Harry Potter and will still call Hogwarts home but like the The Mummy 3 (I refuse to the name the whole thing. Gawd I hate that film), I refuse to acknowledge The Cursed Child existence. It is nothing but fanfiction to me. Harry Potter ends with Deathly Hallows and I will happily live in that denial.

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