Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! Now is the time to go into the revolting cesspool that is Augustus Waters. YAY! Are you excited? Well, I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. Why? I here you cry! Well Augustus Waters is a pretentious little creep and I would love to throw a cactus in his face. However, me just saying that is not good enough is it? Of course not, you guys want evidence and I am happy pissy happy to oblige. So buckle up my friends and let’s wade through the Bog of Eternal Pretentiousness together.

Let’s go through the first point of why this guy is not the Anti-Edward Cullen and/or the greatest guy ever. THE FUCKING CROOKED SMILE!!! Why does every single goddamn YA male love interest have that stupid smile. WHY!?!?! *Sobbing* Why?!?! Do you know what I imagine when I think of the crooked smile? Well I am going to show you anyway:

EPSON DSC picture


(I bloody love Llamas, but seriously! That is what I think of when it comes to the crooked smile)

Wouldn’t you be turned on with that staring at you across the room? Now, if it was a llama, then I wouldn’t be turned on (bestiality is not condoned here) but I would probably squee as Yay! Llama!

Why does that stupid smile description annoy me so much? Ah, because it seems like Twilight again!! How many times was Edward described as having a crooked smile. What even is a crooked smile?! I just don’t know anymore but it always seems like the crooked smile is the description given to a male love interest that will be a raging arsehole. Oh hai! Edward Cullen, Christian Grey and the new recruit; Augustus Waters!

Coincidence? I think not…….

Also he speaks just like Edward Cullen. They are the same!! Why does no-one see this! Once again I putting the same quotes up from the previous post as my God this illustrates my point:

“He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.””

 The Fault in Our Stars


“He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening. “Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars — points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.””

 New Moon



Anyway, let’s jump to the next portion of Augustus. Remember that cigarette he has dangling out of his mouth to prove some stupid arse metaphor? Well, now is the time to discuss it. Augustus Pretentious Waters likes to have a cigarette dangling out his trap because having something that MAY kill you hanging from your gob but not giving it the power to MAY kill you is a rad metaphor. No. That just makes you a pretentious little shit. What is the point of this nonsense?!? I need to bullet point as to why this is so stupid:

  • Hazel is disgusted that he could smoke after having cancer but OH! It’s OK because he doesn’t light it. He buys Camels which aren’t a cheap brand. (I don’t know about the prices in the US but here in the UK they are very expensive due to our taxes but they are far more expensive then say Mayfair, which is regarded as cheap and nasty.) He may be proving a (stupid) metaphor but actually he is funding an industry that does produce a product that increases your chances of cancer. This just makes his metaphor completely stupid and idiotic. He just sounds like some ten year old who thinks holding a cigarette makes you cool.
  • Why a cigarette? He could go and get a KFC bucket and attach it to his face! Obesity kills and the (beautiful) ingredients in fried chicken can cause heart disease which can kill you. He could walk around with a drum stick in his mouth but not chew to prove his stupid point. Once again, it seems like he thinks the cigarette is cool which makes him a twit as he had cancer but is still funding the tobacco industry.

I’m not against cigarettes, I have been a smoker until the glorious e-cigarette (only way I could quit as I’m allergic to the patches and the gum tastes vile). What I am trying to say is that him having that cigarette dangling from his mouth for some metaphor is pathetic. He just looks like some pathetic child wanting to be cool like all the people older than him. I do not once think that he is someone oh so deep to use a cigarette as a metaphor.

I must note that he decides that he wants to have his metaphor on the flight back from Amsterdam and the flight attendant tells him that he can’t. He tries to explain that it is a metaphor but she said he is not permitted to have his metaphor out on the plane. I love her for this! Best character ever!

However, this metaphor becomes deadly serious once he is suffering from terminal cancer. He drives to a gas station to buy more of these cigarettes, oh sorry! Metaphor. His feeding tube comes out (more on this later) and he is covered in his own vomit while crying from the humiliation. This has seriously damaged his health. He always said that he wouldn’t give the cigarettes the power of killing him by smoking it but yet he did in the end. He gave those cigarettes the power of killing him by going out in the night with no supervision just to buy them. He may not have lit them but those cigarettes reduced to him to a pitiful and sick mess from pushing his physical limitations due to the cancer. Those cigarettes caused him to go to hospital and seriously suffer. His metaphor failed and I would have applauded Green if that was what he was going for but he clearly wasn’t as Hazel placed them in his coffin. Yes, she is a dumb arse but she was there and saw what they reduced to him too. She doesn’t see that and neither does the author. Those cigarettes may not have killed him but they caused damage to his health so therefore that metaphor fails.

Next point! He is completely consumed by being the White Knight. Now, I am not saying that it is a bad thing to be a White Knight but Augustus takes it further. He cannot even play a video game without sabotaging the mission because he has to save the pixelated villagers which means MISSION FAILED! He even outright admits that he fancied Hazel because he saw someone who needed rescuing (plus who looked like his dead girlfriend *shudder*) and therefore made her dreams comes true. He is not doing this to be a good person but because he wants to remembered as this great person.

I looked on the official FAQ and there was a question as to why Augustus is named that name. All the author said was that he was named after the first Roman Emperor. *Hmmph* I am a Classics graduate so I know this. *Gets Classics hat and wields spear*

 Augustus became the first Roman Emperor after he defeated Mark Antony at the Battle of Actium which came to be after the assassination of Julius Caesar. The official term that Augustus used was Princeps which essentially means dictator. Dictator was used by Caesar but didn’t have the negative connotations that it does today, it just meant ruler for life. Augustus made sure he was remembered via statues, coinage, architecture and literature for the sole purpose of being remembered and not murdered like Caesar. He made sure he was remembered and this is obvious in The Aeneid and the Res Gestae Divi Augusti. The latter provides the famous of quote of Augustus finding the city made of brick and leaving it in marble. Augustus had to prove himself amazing to the public and senate because after what happened to Caesar then he had to make sure he did not go the same way. I wonder if the author just thought: “Oh! Augustus was the first Emperor of Rome and is tots remembered! I should name my character that.” Augustus is remembered because he used propaganda like a pro and wasn’t murdered (there are rumours though) but his legacy is seriously dampened by his successors and the line officially died out after Nero. His name was meant to be significant but it failed.

Why the massive Classics detour? He was named for a reason and his fear is not to be remembered. Well Augustus (Roman) was remembered because he knew exactly what he was doing. Augustus Waters wants to be remembered because he is GODDAMN AUGUSTUS WATERS! I can understand wanting to make a difference but he never tries. He just sits there with his cigarette and sabotaging video games. Even the Amsterdam trip is a ploy to make Hazel need him and to get laid. Yes, seriously! He mentions many times before they go that surely giving up his cancer wish should get him laid. He only ‘rescues’ Hazel for his own means and that does not make him a male fantasy. He is a dickhead who would buy you an amazing gift and then say you really should do something for him to show your gratitude. *Vomit*

Back to Augustus wanting to be remembered. I can understand that after finding out you will die very soon at a young age. This could be heartfelt and I would have sympathised but it just sounds like Augustus bitching because he is so fricking special that he should be remembered even though he does fuck all to actually do that. Augustus the Emperor is remembered because he actively made sure he was and actively did things to ensure that. He is not remembered for being the first Roman Emperor but because he did things! Augustus Waters just lays there and says he deserves to be remembered.

He is a selfish friend too and doesn’t give a shit about how they feel. Let’s look at Isaac, shall we? While Isaac is sobbing because his girlfriend dumped him that’s when arseface invites Hazel for some awkward flirting. He uses Isaac attempts at grief by destroying his basketball trophies as another excuse of a metaphor (I hate this man so much). The part that gets me though is when Augustus knows he is dying but keeps picking at Isaac about Monika because she hasn’t called once. Yes, it is maybe harsh of her not to at least see how Isaac is doing but he DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! Isaac is actively trying to move on with his life and see past things. That’s not good enough for Augustus, he has to insult her and then make Isaac throw eggs at her car while Augustus and Hazel sit back and laugh. That little gremlin even has the audacity to say to Monika’s mother that they have every right as they have cancer. FUCK YOU!! That is criminal damage and he is trying to move on! Is it a thing that YA novels have that getting over a love is non-acceptable? Is moving on such a terrible thing or should we just roll over and die? (Oh hai Bella *waves*).

Why is this book lauded as such amazing literature!?!?! WHY!? I know we can love and hate books but this has been deemed as amazing. I just don’t see it!!!

Now, the bit I have been dreading. This is the bit that is about his deceased girlfriend Caroline who died of a brain tumor. I find this difficult as someone very close to me is dying with the same illness and seeing how this particular type of cancer is depicted upsets me but also makes me so angry. The rage and distress is prompting me to talk about it as I don’t like that this book is deemed as the book that talks about cancer in a realist way but then writes about brain tumors in this way.

There are many types of brain tumors but the one described is the same as what my close relative has. The tumor that Caroline has is the type that attacks the personality side of the brain and is terminal. You can have as many surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation therapy as you wish but this tumor is terminal. It is also one of the worst types due to what it does to you. Many people aren’t diagnosed because it would seem that the patient is suffering from depression but when the severe and vomit inducing headaches start then the tumor is discovered. It is a nasty and sneaky cancer that destroys who you are and is terminal by the time you discover it.

This book uses that as cheap conflict and a device for us, the reader, to feel sorry for Augustus. I’m sorry, but I don’t. He says that he became attracted to her when he saw her in the playground in the hospital. He found her sarcasm and snarkiness to everyone extremely attractive. Now, remember that Augustus is in remission but Caroline is terminal from the tumor that warps your personality. That is very important! They bond over making fun out everyone else but as her cancer really takes over she starts making fun of him and the fact he has one leg. She calls him stumpy. So he retaliates by calling her HULK SMASH due to her temperament. Even the doctors call her cancer: The Asshole Tumor. I have a few words to say to Augustus and the author:


No, seriously. FUCK YOU! I don’t know if this is because it is personal but this really upsets me. It’s fine for Augustus when she is taking the piss out of others DUE TO HER TUMOUR, but God forbid she makes fun of him because then she is a malicious bitch. This whole section is for us to feel sorry for Augustus. Well, I bloody don’t.

I will be having a section about how cancer is depicted in this book but this has to be discussed now.

A brain tumor that attacks the personality side of the brain is a nasty and vile tumor. I’m not saying brain cancer is worse but this type of cancer destroys what makes you, you. Like I said, the early symptoms can be mistaken and diagnosed as depression. Every hobby that gave you pleasure becomes something of a disinterest and you can sit phased out for hours. This tumor is nasty as it not only destroys you physically but mentally. You get confused, forget conversations or even people while you suffer from physical issues and can barely walk. This tumor is a horrible way to spend your final months. Someone I love dearly is going through this and when I see Augustus trying to get all the sympathy for himself then I get angry. So she called you stumpy? For fucks sake, Augustus, her brain is being eaten by an aggressive tumor! Have some sympathy and understanding about what she is going through and don’t sit and feel so butt hurt about what she said. The wife of my close family member (she has known me since birth and is one of the most amazing women I have ever met) deals with this like a goddamn soldier. She gets upset, distraught and frustrated but she would never treat her husband like that and make fun of him in front of his parents (Augustus does that). She is a soldier and does everything that she can because no matter what that tumor has done to her husband she loves him and is there no matter what. If anyone says: Oh but Hazel is his true love not Caroline. Then all I can say is: FUCK YOU!!! She is there during all the humiliating parts of terminal cancer and is not disgusted by it (unlike Hazel Goddamn Lancaster). Is human compassion beneath you, Augustus? Does compassion and love need a true love label to be deemed acceptable? I am meant to feel all the sympathy for Augustus, I don’t. I feel for Caroline as she was dying from a nasty disease that warped who she was and would never recover from that, just because she called Augustus ‘stumpy’ does not mean she is evil.

I think I have to finish here as that section about Caroline really got to me. It was so vile and repulsive. I do hope I have shown what a disgusting stain that Augustus Waters is. Part 3 will be about how this book depicts cancer and I think this section has shown exactly how my feelings will be.


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