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Once again, I am insanely late to this little gathering as this film has been out for years. Of course I knew about this, I would of had to be living in cave not to have noticed this. Yet I didn’t see it, I honestly blame the hype. I swear to God the hype of this film was driving me insane. Every time I heard the phrase: “Do you want to build a snowman?” I wanted to throw something through the wall as it was always in the most nasally and childish voice I ever heard. Then of course the song ‘Let it Go’ which was played everywhere! I mean everywhere. Dolls, merchandise, children in Elsa dresses. This film seeped through everywhere. I got so fed up with it that I would just head desk every time that song was played in a bloody committee meeting as it was getting infuriating. This is why I didn’t see the film when it was in its hype. I knew that it would be instantly tainted by this as I was being fed that this is the greatest Disney film ever. I knew that if I was going to watch this film and judge it for what it was then I needed to avoid it while the hype was still strong. It seemed like the BBC answered my prayers this Christmas as they played it on Christmas Day and I didn’t need to pay for it. Win! Win! I could finally watch and judge this film. I love a good Disney film so I was excited to finally see what has been lauded as the best Disney film ever so I watched it with my Mum with a nice glass of port.

Well. Yeah. I must ask if you all don’t mind?

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SEEN AS THE GREATEST DISNEY FILM EVER!?!?!

WHY?!?!

*THROWS CACTUS! *

I was so bored. I wish I saw this film when I was really suffering from lack of sleep as this would have cured that problem hands down and I wouldn’t have faffed around with those sleeping pills. It wasn’t just boring, it was shit! I compare this to the amazing films Disney has produced, especially the underrated ones like ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ (God, that film is so awesome) but even the lauded ones like ‘The Lion King’ and I wonder how on earth is this crap is seen as better?! I’m happy for people to tell me why they love this film except for just mindless squeeing as that is not a reason but I am going to list why I thought this film was God awful. Buckle up my friends!

  1. The Songs

 Don’t get me wrong, ‘Let it Go’ is a good song, its catchy and has some pretty good messages about not giving a fuck what people think and being yourself. The rest however are so dull that I couldn’t even tell the difference. It just seems like the same old song with different words. It’s all peppy bullshit that all sounds the same. That is coma inducing! I brought up ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ because they have some epic songs, my personal favourite is ‘Hellfire’ as it’s so powerful but very catchy. For a Disney film to work then they need to have not just one song that defines it. Let’s take a look at our bullet points in our bullet points:

  • The Lion King: The Circle of Life, Be Prepared, Hakuna Matata, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight
  • The Jungle Book: Bare Necessities, Trust in Me and I Wanna Be Like You
  • Beauty and the Beast: The Mob Song, Beauty and the Beast, Gaston and Be Our Guest

I could list so many more but those films are so memorable due to their high standard songs that all tie the same theme together but also are very different but catchy. There are many Disney films that are defined by their one song such as ‘101 Dalmations’ which features the song ‘Cruella DeVil’ but they have no other songs!

Let’s take a look at ‘Beauty and the Beast’ for comparison. They have their defining song which is ‘Beauty and the Beast’ sung by the awesome that is Angela Lansbury and it is the most well-known but look at the others! ‘The Mob Song’ is the climatic villain ‘let’s fuck shit up’ song and it is brilliant, they have the classic villain ‘I am so awesome’ song with ‘Gaston’, they have the peppy sidekick song in ‘Be Our Guest’, the introduction song in ‘Belle’ and the falling in love song in ‘Something There’. They all follow a theme and are similar in style for the film but are very different and have their own identities. That is what makes them brilliant. I can’t say that for ‘Frozen’, I thought the first song had promise but was way too short. Even ‘Let it Go’ has been ruined for me! I genuinely loved that song but now it seems to be in an oasis in a sea of shit that it doesn’t have the same impact anymore. The rest sounds exactly the same and just sounds so fricking peppy that it annoyed me. It seemed goddamn lazy as they knew children would lap it up and no Disney is not just for children. Sadly, they were right and NO, I DON’T WANT TO BUILD A FUCKING SNOWMAN!!!!

  1. The Villain

My God, Hans has to be the shittest and dullest villains to ever exist in Disney. Let’s be honest one of the great joys of a Disney film is the epicness of their villain. A great villain makes a glorious film and a lot of the time they are more loved than the protagonist. To prove my point as to why Hans is so appalling is to look through the greatest villains (I would list so much more if I could). More bullet points!

  • Hades

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I am restraining myself from fangirling as ‘Hercules’ is my all-time favourite Disney film and Hades is fabulous! Look at him!! He is flamingly fabulous. I also bring him up as he doesn’t have the classic Disney villain song but my God he makes up for it. He is sassy, has a great plot and works damn hard to get it through coercion. He is a memorable villain and I love him.

  • Maleficent

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Again, she did not have a villain song but my God! She was determined to kill a baby because she wasn’t invited to the christening. How much more evil can you get? Also look how she is depicted, she is cool, calm and collected but has the ultimate villain appearance. She is memorable!

  • Claude Frollo

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This film used to scare the crap out of me as a child. Look at that image!! My God, that man is terrifying. He has a villain song and good Lord it is scary but very catchy. This man shows true hypocrisy and true evil with his actions. He is willing to murder Esmeralda because she won’t bang him. He teaches Quasimodo that the world will hate him because of his looks. The man almost caused a family to burn to death because he can. He is detestable and can be very subtle. Ergh, like when he sniffs Esmeralda’s hair *cringe*. He is a true villain which makes him truly memorable.

  • Gaston

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The last villain in my detour is Gaston as he is an everyday man who is not pure evil. He is an arrogant, misogynistic and vain arsehole but not totally evil. He is important as he is the closest to Hans. Gaston is a normal person and by that I mean he has no magical powers. He is a dickhead, and is technically a love interest for Belle as he fawns over her but so is Hans. So what is the difference? Yes, I know Belle shuns Gaston but they are very similar. Gaston is memorable because of his songs but also his presence. Yes, we see his bad intentions very early so we know (even though it was fucking obvious that Hans was a baddy) but once again Gaston has that villain air and memorable presence.

  • Honourable Mentions: Cruella DeVil (WANTS TO MURDER PUPPIES), Jafar (Sassy), Scar (So awesome) and Ursula (Needs to join forces with Hades so they can be fabulous together).

So after that massive detour (it could have been worse) I honestly believe that Hans is a half arsed villain. He is simpering and dull through 70% of the film and then all sudden he is evil *le gasp*. He does nothing but PG-rate seduce Anna which doesn’t seem that hard to be honest and then tries to talk round Elsa. Yes, it is meant to be red-herring that Elsa was the villain (it failed as I’m not a moron). He is not memorable and a good Disney film needs a good villain. Hans is so forgettable that it just made me want to take a nap. A Disney film is only as good as their villain and my God they failed.

  • The Protagonists

Elsa and Anna have been lauded as great feminist icons and that they break the mould when it comes to Disney women. I must ask if we have been watching the same film? Yeah, Elsa doesn’t have a husband in the end like most Disney princesses but they still are very bleh. Let’s start with Elsa.

Ah, Elsa with her fabulous blue dress, where do I start? Let’s talk about how you are such a non-entity that I have no idea why you are worshipped. All she does is angst. Yes, I know it is due to her powers but even after her breakthrough song she is still sitting there and wangsting like a teenage emo kid who moans that no one understands them. I call foul on this as there was another great Disney hero that had powers that people shunned him for and that was Hercules. My favourite Disney song is ‘Go the Distance’, he feels like he doesn’t belong due to his powers but is determined to work through that and go the distance by making something of himself. Hercules is very similar to Elsa, even with the town destroying aspect. Hercules destroyed a market place by accident and was shunned while people shouted “Jerkules”. He felt out casted but he marched his arse to the Temple of Zeus to find answers and to use his strength which had been a burden to become a hero and join where he felt that he belonged which was Mount Olympus with his parents. He did not curl up in a little angst ball and moan and piss about how no one understands them. Elsa does! Why is she seen as such a strong person?! Especially when you compare her to Hercules. She does nothing but build a snow castle and sit in it.

Yes, she becomes ruler in the end but it seemed very flat as she needs to get off her arse and rule otherwise morons like that old man or Hans take over. I’m not amazed she decides to step and rule as she is living a life of great privilege but ran off because people were mean to her. God lord! You are the ruler of the damn country, throw those arseholes in the stocks and get on with it. Time for another comparison. Simba, yes he ran away but he did think that he killed his father but he came back! He came back on his own accord and claimed back the Pride Lands from Scar and became King of Pride Rock as he was the rightful king and Scar had run it into the ground. Elsa does not have that realisation, no talking dead lions for her telling to put on her big girl’s pants and do what is right. She comes back because she is forced to! She was captured and dragged back as prisoner. I honestly believe that if Hans hadn’t come and captured her then she would have just sat in that snow castle listening to Muse. She didn’t give a shit that she struck her sister with ice (considering she knows what happens), she only reacts when she thinks she is dead and that is to just lay there while Hans tries kill her. Yes, it was grief BUT GET UP! That would leave your people in a very dangerous situation where any old ruler could waltz in and say MINE! All I get from Elsa is that when something bad happens or when people are mean to her then she just lays there like a useless slug and whines. I really don’t understand why she is meant to be empowering as I really don’t see that.

Enough of Elsa, let’s move onto Anna. Jesus Christ! She is stupid and dippy that I just want to slap her. Her stupidly quick love story for Hans is idiotic but it is meant to be. We are clearly meant to think she is stupid for rushing into the engagement after knowing Hans for approximately 30 minutes so she can realise her true love for Kristoff. It’s meant to be the tale of a princess falling in love with the everyman peasant, which does work! Aladdin is a great example, even though he is a lying liar who lies but Jasmine falls for the street rat and not the prince. This doesn’t work though, why? She barely knows Kristoff but what does she do for the vast majority of the short time that she knows him? She goes on and on and on and on and on about how Hans is the most handsome and fantastical man EVA! Maybe I am being a bitch but I get the impression that she just wants to Elsa to shut up and get on with it so she can marry Hans. All she thinks about is how she must get to Hans for her true loves kiss to save her. The only other interaction is them arguing except for when some stupid trolls try and pimp out their adoptive son to her while screeching that he is a ‘fixer upper’. How lovely!

I know her main role is meant to show that Disney SO CAN show other loves than just romantic love but once again I just don’t see it as the characters and motivations are flat. Anna just bangs on about Hans and begs Elsa to come back and then jumps in to try and stop Elsa from being murdered by Hans. I am not dazzled by that as I think most people would do that for their family members, also I think most Disney characters would do that for their families. They wouldn’t just sit there and gawp while their family was brutally murdered. I know they wouldn’t because guess what? This film is lauded as so great as it focuses on sisterly love rather romantic so that makes it so different. Well, there is another Disney film that focuses on family love and makes way more of an impact than this. Can you guess?

MULAN!

The girl who risked her life and honour to save her father. She knew he would die if he went to war as he has a disability and would most likely have gone with the General who was killed with all his men. She knew she would probably die, either in battle or execution if discovered. She was genuinely selfless and went to great extremes to protect her father through love. Anna just threw herself at Hans which is an impulsive act. Mulan planned this, she cut her hair and stole the armour then off she rode. She could have changed her mind many times but didn’t. Yes, she has a romance but it is very subtle and slow burning, the end is him asking if he can join her family for dinner, not declarations of truest love. Familial love is what takes centre stage and is far more effective. Romantic love is still centre stage with Anna and it stays as she declares truest love to Kristoff. So yes, I am not impressed, it is nothing different from the others but for the actual intended message well, ‘Mulan’ did it better.

Anna is not the embodiment of female power, she swoons at two men and seems incapable of not having a love interest. Her reunion with her sister just feels so flat that I just didn’t care (also I just wanted it to end).

FAIL!

  • Side Kicks

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I HATE THIS THING!!!

I know every Disney film has a side kick because of reasons *cough* toy sales *cough* but my God, Olaf is unbearable. Once I again I think of the other sidekicks, one of my personal favourites is Mushu as he is just awesome and a dragon. However, he had the important role of guiding Mulan into the world of men through lying and manipulation as he is doing this for his own glory but they come together when things are at the worst and are honest with each other. They both have the same goals and feel like failures. He helps her with her character arc and yes he is comic relief but has legitimate reasons for existing. I cannot honestly understand what this thing is for. Apparently he is there to:

“He isn’t just funny; he’s also got a big role to play representing the innocent love in the scale of fear versus love.  Olaf couldn’t just be thrown in, he had to have a purpose and that one of his purposes was to be the embodiment of the sisterly relationship that had gone cold.”

  1. He is not funny. He is annoying and I hate him. He says stupid comments in his stupid nasally voice at the stupidest times. I want him to die in a fire.
  1. He does fuck all to show them that except that he is the same stupid snowman that they built as children. That makes no goddamn sense as how can water molecules have a mind and memory?!? No, it is not because of Disney so reasons as plenty of sidekicks actually have explanations. (Bullet points in bullet points!):
  • Mushu: Is a magical guardian of the house.
  • Iago: Jafar was a sorcerer so could have easily have given him the power of speech.
  • Pegasus: Mythology, bitches.
  • Flounder: Makes sense that Ariel can understand him as she is a mermaid.

Is Elsa God? I have no idea and I am probably picking because I hate this film.

  1. How does he embody their relationship?! He does nothing but wreck what could be touching moments with stupid arse comments because he is a moron. He is nothing but comedy relief, which isn’t a bad thing (might want to make them actually funny) but don’t try and make that thing deeper than it is.
  1. Personal opinion: his face creeps me out and therefore another reason why I hate him.

I hate him as a sidekick. Also why does he dream of summer? He was just born, so he shouldn’t have any concept of summer. Even when he was the crappy snowman when they were kids and seems to remember (logic is for losers) then it was still winter?! So therefore no concept of what summer is? Also how can he think of palm trees when they are in Norway? Does this mean that water molecules have memories so when we drink them we are actively killing something by sending it to the Hell pit that is the stomach?! I know, it’s Disney! I think they thought it would be cute for a snowman to want to see the summer. Still makes no sense. I just find it stupid that this thing is shuved in to be cute (no) and funny (no) to sell toys but they have to say he has a deeper meaning. There is nothing wrong with a cute sidekick but I want him to die in a slushy machine.

I don’t mind the reindeer but he is very similar to Pegasus. At least the reindeer seems to have the attitude that most of this is bullshit.

  • Final Thoughts

It’s BULLSHIT! *Storms Out*

OK, fine! Final thoughts *Sits and Seethes*

This film lacked the charm and fun that Disney is for me. This to me was so lazy and just used to make children obsessed and for parents to throw money at them. Yes, Disney does this all the time but the fundamentals of this film were lazy. The songs are repetitive and I can’t remember them. The villain is shit and dull. The original story was the ‘Snow Queen’ and yes it was completely warped.  Also yes, it is Disney and how can I love ‘Hercules’ when I’m a Classical Mythology and Ancient History graduate and the mythology is wrong. Well to be fair, Disney could hardly have Hera trying to murder a baby when she is the Mother Goddess, Hercules (Heracules to be extra pedantic) murder Meg and their children and then die from poisonous centaur jizz. Hardly family friendly but of course Greek Mythology is essentially Zeus sticking his dick in the wrong things. Disney does twist things for their family audience which is fine, so I am not complaining. I am just annoyed that this is lauded as the best Disney film ever when it is lazy. I am annoyed that this film is meant to be about female empowerment when Elsa just sits and moans and Anna is constantly flopping on the nearest male. Female empowerment my arse. I get we all have different opinions and I am in the minority and that is fine but I am done and Zeus help us for the sequel of this thing.

I do openly encourage comments telling me why they love this film as I would honestly love to know but I do beg for proper reasons (Not for example: But it’s epic and Olaf is cute!). I won’t mock anyone who does as we all love different things but I do hope to have the same courtesy extended to me and my opinions.

Next time! I will be finally reviewing ‘Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined’ by Stephenie Meyer. I have tried unsuccessfully to read this thing (it’s awful) but I am as determined as Hercules to get this shit done.

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One thought on “‘Frozen’ Alternative Title: NO! I Don’t Want to Build a Snowman! *THROWS CHAIR!*

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