In the last post I went into how much the Foreword was a total ball of FAIL! Well there is so much more fail that needs to explored so it’s about time to crack on with the recap/review of this nonsense. First things first though, I want to introduce some counts for this recap.
First one is to account all the times that Beau acts like a whiny five-year-old even though we have been told that he doesn’t carry the chip on his shoulder that Bella does. I PRESENT:
This is for every time that Beau sounds even whinier than Bella. Trust me this count will be high.
The second is:
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH!
This is for every time that something sexist rears its head due to the gender swap. This counts for sexism that effects men too.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!!
Not the most creative title but it is to count all the things she should have fixed as it’s been TEN YEARS!!! Just like “Thick Sarcasm”. *EXPLODES*
If any more come to me then I shall add them but these seem the big ones to me right now. Let’s crack on!
“If his destiny be strange, it is also sublime.”
Jules Verne, “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea”
Oh, barf! I love Jules Verne but he is considered an author in his time who is more geared towards masculine readers. He is the father of Science Fiction and was published in the Victorian era. His writing is for the audience of men and it just seems like a tacky way to show that Beau loves Classical Literature like Bella but none of that romance shit that girls like. Blergh, he is a man! He must like man stuff! Funny, as I’m not a fan of Austen and the other classical ‘female’ literature. I much prefer H.G. Wells and Jules Verne. I must say though that “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea” is probably my least favourite. Give me “Mysterious Island” any day even though that one is more obscure. Maybe I am being harsh but it seems like she picked a quote from a MAN Classic book and said done. Whatever, I am still giving it this:
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 1
Also that quote screams: MARY SUE/GARY STU!! He is like, so totally special than you plebs. He is like, so totally different which like, means his destiny is to be so totally awesome. Blergh, it is just to show how special Beau is and how he is destined for better things.
Chapter 1: First Sight
Well we start off with Beau whining about him not needing the sun anymore as he is going to live with the Mole/Crab people who shirk at the possibility of sunlight.
One thing to mention though is that Bella was always described as wearing something white and frilly, so very feminine.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 2
Why that count? Well, Beau is described as wearing a Monty Python T-Shirt which shows he is more manly but far more characterisation. It shows he has an interest! *FIREWORKS* Meyer has said that Bella loves Monty Python too, well it would have been nice to have seen that rather than bland Bella who only exists to slather on Edward.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 1
Also, he now has no need for T-Shirts as he is descending to the land of Crab People who have no need for sunlight. Pah, as if Forks has sun light!
Oh, for Christ’s sake! Yes, I know she needed a clouded place for her vampires to frolic show off to small town Crab People but when Meyer wrote Twilight, she hadn’t left her sunny beacon of Arizona and had an aversion to RESEARCH! Now, however she has been there and it has been ten years! She knows it is not as bleak as she described and a simple google search shows it is not as bleak as she describes. I am not saying change the location but change the description, especially as she said the 70% of changes were things that bothered her!
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 2
In the original Bella says that she threw enough tantrums to stop visits to Forks when she was fourteen and they holidayed in California. We all decreed her a little brat as that cut her time with her father in half, who loved her by the way. Well Meyer, thought she would fix that but Beau is still a brat. Changing it from tantrums to ultimatums does not make me think better of him. So!
Remember how I said that Meyer said that Beau wasn’t so melodramatic? Well:
Yet somehow, I now found myself exiled to Forks for the rest of my high school education. A year and a half. Eighteen months. It felt like a prison sentence. Eighteen months, hard time. When I slammed the car door behind me, it made a sound like the clang of iron bars locking into place.
I am sorry but that is so worth 3 WAHHHH! Points. Come on, look at it! That is so melodramatic that I just want to pull out the world’s smallest violin and play him a little tune.
I do not care that he said straight afterwards that that phrase was melodramatic as he says stupid shit like that constantly! Admitting it and then doing it again does not make it right.
Ergh, we now start with the Renee bashing as he says he is needed at home. Saving it! He then goes on to describe his mother’s appearance and therefore his and says that they have blue eyes. Why? All I heard in Breaking Dawn was Bella’s chocolate brown eyes to the point I wanted to vomit. Why this change? Seems weird to me in all honesty.
I must quote the next section as I said in the Foreword about how Renee seems so much more mentally insufficient. Well:
Staring at those wide, worried eyes so much like my own. I felt panicked I’d been taking care of my mom for my whole life. I mean, I’m sure there must have been a time, probably when I was still in diapers, that I wasn’t charge of the bills and paperwork and cooking and general level-headedness, but I couldn’t remember it.
I know this is Meyer trying to beat me to death with a ham that says how mature and selfless Beau is and how I need to bow down and worship him. I do not feel that. I come to two conclusions and seriously it gets worse with Renee.
- She is too mentally insufficient to take care of a child and how Charlie or Social Services did not take him away is beyond me. She is so incompetent that she couldn’t do anything for herself without her son to do it for her at a very young age. This is worse than Bella! She needed a mayun *rolls eyes*
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 3
- Beau has Factitious Illness by Proxy formally known as Munchhausen by Proxy. I believe this one makes the most sense as time goes on. This is why I bring this issue up now. How on earth could have Beau been doing taxes at the age of two to four?!? I know his mother was young but really?! This seems to me that Beau needs to be needed so in his point of view he therefore condemns his mother with the mental capacity of a cabbage to make himself seem so selfless and special. There is no way she could be this insufficient as SHE IS A TEACHER!!! Also I think it is so he can moan and bitch about how he is special and different!
Jesus Christ, he then goes on about how he is leaving his Mum to fend for herself with truly tough stuff like bills. She will surely die by Crab People without Beau!! Oh, but she now has the mighty man Phil now! Yes, it is seriously phrased like that. HE is the one to make sure she has food so she doesn’t start gnawing on the kitchen cabinet in hunger without Beau and…… Oh God Lord: to call when she gets lost. HOW OLD IS THIS WOMAN!!
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 4
Oh yes, it gets a count as she needs a man to make sure she isn’t wandering the streets lost and gnawing on furniture because she is so stupid. She was bad under Bella’s point of view but this is just appalling.
They next have their sappy goodbyes in the airport and even though Renee says Beau doesn’t have to go, he has to as he is so selfless. WORSHIP HIM! He also says that Charlie has been pretty excited and sorted everything out for him (so Beau doesn’t have too) and he sounds like a real downer about his Dad being excited. Maybe because he is looking forward to spending time with his son. Shocking!
Beau lands in Port Angeles and is whining that it is raining but not to worry as he said his goodbyes to the sun.
Seriously, Meyer! You have been to Forks many times now! You should know. It’s like when people think my home country of the U.K. is constantly raining as “Duh, it always raining there!” Shocker! It’s not, we have a fair bit but we have beautiful seasons and it can get fairly warm in the Spring, Summer and Autumn. It is a stereotype to those who have never been here, Meyer has been to Forks so no excuse. It just makes Beau sound like a whiny shit and that you change random crap like eye colour but not the true weather. Google is your friend.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 3
The next section is Beau reuniting with his Dad and naturally whines about how he MUST find a car as it would be like, tots embarrassing to drive the police van even though that would be like tots illegal.
They do an awkward one arm hug as THEY ARE MEN AND MEN DON”T DON’T DO THAT!!!
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 5
Oh Jesus Christ, they ask how each other are and how Renee is and it descends into how stupid and incompetent Renee is. *Face palm* Charlie? If you were that concerned about this, then you would have gone for custody! Oh wait, I am proven wrong:
“You really feel okay about leaving her?”
We both understood that this question wasn’t about my own personal happiness. It was about whether I was shirking my responsibility to look after her. This was the reason Charlie’d never fought Mom about custody; he knew she needed me.
Great parenting there, Charlie! She shirks all her responsibilities onto her only son as she is so incompetent and he has no childhood and you sit there and say “Welp! She needs him!” Your son needs a childhood. Then again this may lead to my suspicion that Beau is making all this shit up to make himself oh so selfless and mature.
Beau says how he can carry two duffel bags but Charlie helps with one, I don’t care but it leads into our first instance of clumsy! His bag apparently hits a guy with tattoos and short (ew, he a bad man, yo!). Then there is a woman who is pissed for some reason *whispers* foreshadowing. She is all icky as she has bright red lipstick and it is all sticky and gross because it’s cheap and shit. Also she has dyed hair! EWWW! Truly perfect women don’t have the need for that nonsense. *Throws Cactus*
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 6
I’m going to sum up the next few pages as it is the same old shit. Beau is an ungrateful arsehole when his Dad says he bought him a car and gets all pissy when he says “It’s a good car for you” because he is an ungrateful arsehole like Bella. He moans and bitches about how the terrain is too green. So yeah he moans and bitches a lot.
Beau like Bella likes to exclaim how the truck is awesome but unlike Bella as she is a woman and doesn’t understand man things like cars has to let us know that he is not a car guy so to excuse him for failing in his man stereotype.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 7
We now get the same description of the bedroom but now it’s manly blue rather purple as Beau is a dude, don’t you forget! Oh for the love of God, she changed the eye colour but not the fact that Beau is using an outdated modem for dial up for the internet.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 3
This was set in 2006!!! Broadband was widespread and cheap!! It’s been ten years so you should know that dial up is extremely outdated. No, don’t say it is because Charlie is in a poor town. 2006 had a plenty of cheap broadband so this stupid. There is no excuse.
Beau whines about sharing a bathroom with his Mum and Dad. Yeah, he is so much less melodramatic. Then Beau whines some more while he looks out the window while it dramatically rains and he stares out being a little emo kid.
Now Beau moans about how these small town Crab People have lived here for generations and he would be the freak as he comes from the big city and know all sorts of fancy know how. Seriously, this is set in 2006, people MOVE!! These are not Crab People who nest in the same place and never leave. Then he whines that he isn’t the homecoming king or bad boy but don’t you DARE think he is a nerd!! He maybe tall and quiet but he doesn’t know any of your gaming nonsense. That is nerd talk and he would never descend to such levels. He so totally has an excuse for being so totally boring:
Unlike the other guys, I didn’t have a ton of free time for hobbies. I had a checkbook to balance, a clogged drain to snake, and a week’s groceries to shop for.
SHUT UP!! I’m sorry but plenty of people care for loved ones who are disabled and still have hobbies or even those with full time jobs. They still have time for what they love. You are just boring and blame it on others. Beau is seriously proving my point that Renee is an incompetent parent if she can’t do two out of those three or he has mild Factitious Illness by proxy as it’s all Renee’s fault that he has no hobbies as caring for her is a full time job. Funny how this doesn’t come up with Bella, is it because he is the MAN and has to protect the woman. Whatever this is, it is awful and I hate it.
WAHHHH!!! 16 (Two out of principal)
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 8 (Renee was not this bad with Bella)
Beau then goes on about how he is oh so special and doesn’t fit in anywhere. Normally I would have sympathy as I have Aspergers Syndrome and I feel like such an outcast and feel like my brain does run at a different wave length and would love to have a friendship circle. Yet, I don’t have sympathy. Why? Everyone falls over themselves to fawn over and try to be friends with Bella/Beau and they do nothing but spit on them and never bother to get to know them. They are just to too special.
I am done! I seriously thought I could do six chapters in this section but I failed miserably. Next time will be the second half of Chapter One.