I have decided to stop the crying child pictures as you will see in this section that Beau whines, a lot! So it seemed best to stop the pictures as it can be jarring. When we last left off, Beau was staring out the window like the little emo boy he is because he is just far too special for this world and no one understands him. Well, we pick right back up with Beau bitching about how the rain is just so inconsiderate and loud so that it keeps him awake. He whines for a whole paragraph, so naturally it gets this:
For the love of God, he is now saying the fog is a prison cage. How is this guy less melodramatic than Bella as currently, he is far worse!
Next it is pretty much copy and pasted with Beau moaning about going to school that morning and how it is going to suck as he is so special. He also bitches about how his father, who barely sees him, has photos of Beau throughout his childhood and then mentally whines that he will demand Charlie takes them down. Beau, like Bella is a whiney little bitch.
Then Beau whines about the weather (AGAIN!) and a raincoat. My Gawd! We get it, it rains in Forks and it never rains in Phoenix! I feel like I am being beaten to death with a ham over this.
This is why I had to remove the picture for that count as this is insane. He then whines that the school has no metal detectors or chain linked fences. What kind of hell hole did Beau go to school? Granted, my sixth form college had to include those but that was because it was a rough area and they were added after we had a full blown riot next to the fried chicken shop around the corner and there were knives involved. I even had a policeman thinking I was stabbed because I fell over my own feet into the road. Fun times. As you can tell, my area was ropey! Yet, later on in this chapter, Beau states that brand new and very expensive cars were not uncommon at his school. I very much doubt that people would bring those sort of cars to a school that needs metal detectors. Maybe, that’s common in some parts of the U.S. but it just seems odd to me.
More copy and pasting proceeds while Beau parks and enters the reception while naturally whining about how the plants inside offend him as nature disgusts him.
The next bit I find quite jarring as it seems to back up what I have said about how Renee is so much worse here:
I was expected, already the subject of gossip. The Chief’s son, the one with the unstable mom, come home at last.
One, why do you think the whole world revolves around you? Yes, I know in this sad, little universe it does but seriously! Why would people care that he has come back to Forks? Oh, I forgot, these are Crab People. Also, I underlined that bit. Why has that been changed from flighty to unstable? Meyer is seriously making Renee too mentally insufficient to even have been capable to raise Beau alone. If this is true, then both are irresponsible as Charlie should have taken custody and Renee should have understood or have lost custody. Then again, this could be a case of Beau’s suspected Factious Syndrome by Proxy and is making Renee far worse to make him special. I have no idea where Meyer is going with this!
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 9 (Not sure what else to give this!)
More copy and pasting of Beau being shown his classes and whining. He makes the comment that in his old school that it was common to see a new Porsche and Mercedes, and again I have to ask why would people bring those to a school that needs metal detectors. It just seems odd to me especially going to a school that did have those.
Naturally all the cars suck except for this mysterious Volvo. I wonder who could own that? Beau is now trying to pep himself up but all it did was make me head desk. Why?
It won’t be that bad, I lied to myself. Seriously, though, this wasn’t a life and death situation – it was high school.
I think I just heard a distant thud, must be the blatant title drop. Beau goes to class and I find it odd that the new Mr Mason, who is now the politically correct Ms. Mason, is balding. I’m not saying it can’t happen but seems like an odd thing to not change with the gender switch as it’s rare for women to have this issue. Beau then blushes but describes it as splotches which makes sense and proceeds to tell us how Ms. Mason has to gawk at him and his name because OMFG!! IT’S BEAU!
More copy and pasting! Beau has to bitch about the reading list for English as its basic, boring and probably beneath him. Shakespeare and Chaucer are way too plebeian for Beau. Now one thing I noticed is that Beau is really focused on skin. He never does this with the male characters but the women are always described by skin condition. Foreshadowing? I find it judgemental to single a girl or any human being out for having skin issues and greasy hair when she comes to speak to him. We are now meeting gender flipped Eric who is now Erica. Beau, just like Bella has to be an arsehole and say that she is an annoying nerd and how everyone is fascinated by this interaction. I am seriously plugging my Factitious Syndrome theory as why would people care? I think he believes they do as he is just too special.
We get the same copy and pasted conversation where they talk about the weather and as Erica is a Crab Person, is shocked! Shocked! I say that Phoenix doesn’t rain much. He then makes the same stupid albino joke that Bella makes and bemoans how Crab People don’t understand humour or sarcasm. He is very quick to tell us that he hoped his fake smiling was not a sexual flirtings as he doesn’t want that, like dude, she is a nerd. Ew!
People are nice enough to want to help Beau and he treats them with disdain, a lot. Then we have this charming line:
It had taken me years to live down Beaufort — thank you so much, Grandpa, for dying just months before I was born and making my mom feel obligated to honor you. No one at home even remembered that Beau was just a nickname anymore. Now I had to start all over again.
Well, that is just lovely. I can get hating your name and bemoaning to the Gods and ancestors as why you had to be named that name. I have the opposite problem to Beau. I like my first name which is Victoria. My Mum wanted a traditional English name as I was born in America and wanted to keep some English heritage via my name. Yet, for some strange reason in England, people are incapable of calling me Victoria. More often than not it gets shortened to Vicky which due to the accent where I grew up, I hated that name. Teachers would always stop at my name on the register and assume that I wanted to be Vicky, no matter how many times I said I preferred Victoria, they would always resort back to Vicky. Even friends, I would ask to be called Victoria but they would either outright refuse and still call me Vicky even though I loathed it and told them this or just slipped into the habit. I ended up having to shorten my name to Viks as people seemed incapable of not shortening my name. It is very frustrating so I can see why people moan about their names.
This! No, the minute he tells people he prefers Beau, then they call him Beau from here on out. I do not get why you would bitch about people calling you your full name as that makes sense as you then politely tell them that you prefer this name. Loads of people do that! Many Jonathans prefer Jon, Jennifers prefer Jenny and many Roberts prefer Rob. This does not make Beau’s situation oh so frustrating as that is common. Try saying your name is Victoria but then immediately they call you Vicky and you say no that is not your name but they still do it! That is frustrating!
Also many people are named after their relatives. My middle name is after my grandmother. Yes, sometimes they can be downright awful, my Mum dodged a bullet with the traditional name in her family, which is Hilda, and was named something different. Yet, Beau just sounds downright disdainful that his mother, who he is meant to love more than anyone, wanted to name her son after her beloved father who passed away before his birth. He seems almost pissed that his grandfather had to inconvenience him by dying and ruining his life with that name. Maybe his heart broken mother did not feel obligated and wanted to name her son after someone she loved and greatly admired. I think of Desperate Housewives when Mike wanted to name his son after his grandfather who recently passed and the name was Maynard. Very old fashioned and unusual but he wanted his son to be named after someone who had a massive impact on his life, community and for him to be inspired to do great things like his namesake. His son therefore went by MJ but granted Beau couldn’t do that. *childish snicker* This is just Beau being a fucking wanker and disrespectful to both his mother and grandfather.
We now meet gender flipped Jessica who is now Jeremy. Apparently he is short with lots of curly hair. He is being friendly but naturally Beau is an arsehole and ignores him. He sits with Jeremy’s friends and can’t be bothered to remember their names. Erica waves and everyone laughs so Beau has to moan about how everyone is clearly making fun of him yet says they aren’t mean about it. WHICH IS IT?!
Oh, no. It is time for the gender swapped Cullens. I need to break this down because my goodness!
They were seated in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren’t talking, and they weren’t eating, though they each had a tray of food in front of them.
It was ridiculous in the original that they never ate or drank anything as it was confirmed in the guide that vampires can eat human food, it sits in their stomachs until they can throw it up but it doesn’t negatively affect them. So if they are so concerned about fitting in then surely they should just suck it up and bite that apple. It is also such a massive wastage and annoys me. It annoyed me in Twilight but it has been ten years and we know it doesn’t bother them to eat.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 4
They weren’t gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them
Why is it OK for you Beau to stare at people but not for others to stare at you?
But it was none of these things that caught my attention.
They didn’t look anything alike.
There were three girls; one I could tell was super tall, even sitting down, maybe as tall as I was — her legs went on forever. She looked like she might be the captain of the volleyball team, and I was pretty sure you wouldn’t want to get in the way of one of her spikes. She had dark, curly hair, pulled back in a messy ponytail.
So here is our introduction to gender flipped Emmett. He was always described as someone who lifts weights and huge! I get the impression that is female version is athletic but femininely so. Women can be body builders! Shocking, I know! Why couldn’t she still be a weight lifter rather than a sport that is more commonly associated as a female sport.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 10
Another had hair the color of honey hanging to her shoulders; she was not quite so tall as the brunette but still probably taller than most of the other guys at my table. here was something intense about her, edgy. It was kind of weird, but for some reason she made me think of this actress I’d seen in an action movie a few weeks ago, who took down a dozen guys with a machete. I remembered thinking then that I didn’t buy it — there was no way the actress could have taken on that many bad guys and won. But I thought now that I might have bought it all if the character had been played by this girl.
I present gender flipped Japser!
Oh that is gross! I’m sorry but I think the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, the Black Widow, Katniss Everdeen and Bellatrix Lestrange would like some words with you. Those women could take down a large group of beefy men if needed. As if a woman could ever take down a group of men! Pah! What nonsense, women belong in kitchen where they can clean things and bake cakes. This is Meyer trying to beat me to death about how she is so NOT anti-women but anti human as of course a vampire lady could take out a group of beefy men as she is a super charged vampire and they are better than you! No, once again this is an anti-women message.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 11
The last girl was smaller, with hair somewhere between red and brown, but different than either, kind of metallic somehow, a bronze-y color. She looked younger than the other two, who could have been in college, easy.
Here is our designated love interest: gender flipped Edward!
One thing that I did notice was that out of three, Lady Edward is described as the most feminine as she is nice and petite with the unusual hair colour which is very Mary Sue. There is no description about how she could tear through the Great Wall of China or other such nonsense. Could that mean that Beau needs the most feminine of the women to show that he is still masculine even though she is more powerful being a vampire. I’m still giving it one of these:
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 12
The two guys were opposites. The taller one — who was definitely taller than me, I’d guess six-five or even more — was clearly the school’s star athlete. And the prom king. And the guy who always had dibs on whatever equipment he wanted in the weight room. His straight gold hair was wound into a bun on the back of his head, but there was nothing feminine about it — somehow it made him look even more like a man. He was clearly too cool for this school, or any other I could imagine.
Wow! It seems like we have gender flipped Rosalie! Rosalie was always described as blonde and bitchy cheerleader type and this guy is now the weight room arsehole. Must say that the hair is a total fail. It screams DON’T THINK HE IS FEMININE!! HE IS A MANLY MAN!!! No, female nonsense here, nope, nope nope. Yet, his hair is a complete historical fail. Men in the 1920s would not have hair long enough for a man bun, especially men of the middle class. If he was a 1700s man, then I could buy it but long hair was not the done thing in a society with rigid gender roles and styles. Also too cool for this school? Are you twelve and/or stuck in the eighties?
The shorter guy was wiry, his dark hair buzzed so short it was just a shadow across his scalp.
Wow, is this all we get or gender flipped Alice? No features or anything? OK, then. I am cutting the next bit as it is just copy and pasting about how they are all angular and have dark shadows under their eyes. Blah, blah nothing new! I am so quoting the next bit though as well, yeah.
I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all insanely, inhumanly beautiful. The girls and the guys both — beautiful. They were faces you never saw in real life — just airbrushed in magazines and on billboards. Or in a museum, painted by an old master as the face of an angel. It was hard to believe they were real.
Would a seventeen-year-old boy really speak like this? Maybe the thing about the billboard could be vaguely realistic but the old master and angel. Nah, that sounds like Bella with her bloated and pretentious prose. Sounds ridiculous coming from a teenage boy. Also, she has teenage boys and does she think they would honestly speak and think like that. I asked people who are in fact men and have at least once in their lives been awkward teenagers and they said they would not think that and would be more concerned about pitching a tent in the middle of the cafeteria. I guess she just could not be bothered to actually change the speech to match the new genders even if it would make this nonsense more realistic.
I decided the most beautiful of all was the smaller girl with the bronze-colored hair, though I expected the female half of the student body would vote for the movie-star blond guy. They would be wrong, though. I mean, all of them were gorgeous, but the girl was something more than just beautiful. She was absolutely perfect.
*Boggles* Well, that’s different. In the original Bella can’t decide if the most beautiful is Edward or Rosalie. Not much else but THIS! My God, what on earth is this!?! One, not all women want a buff guy, so way to generalise an entire gender’s tastes. Also that strikes me as the awful ‘Nice Guy’ thing that we see where men who are rejected instantly say that women go for the ripped ‘Fuck Boys’ which Man Rosalie sounds like with that description. That combined with his description makes him sound like a bitter man who thinks he can’t get girls because they are shallow bitches who just want the muscle bound jock who will use and abuse them but never once thinks that it may be them as they are just too nice. Hmm… I need to move on before I start throwing things in rage.
Next is the description of Lady Edward, my God! Perfect?!? Really?!? Well, thank you Beau for saying what is perfect, not what you personally think is perfect but what is perfect, FACT! Lovely. Also, if we are really quiet we may hear Meyer fapping away to this section. Her new self-insert is Lady Edward, I discussed this at length in the Foreword section. Look at it! Now Lady Edward is perfect because that is Meyer and therefore deserves to be described as perfect by the narrator. This is so disgusting that I want a bath now.
*Breathes* Only four more pages to go. Next we have copy and pasted shit of Man Alice dancing off to dump all the uneaten food into the trash. Seriously, they are not blending in!
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 5
Lady Edward and Beau stare at each other but he politely tells us that it is the perfect one that stared back *vomit*. GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE CUCUMBER, MEYER!! Then we get more nonsense about how Lady Edward seemed to look up at them as if she was answering their question, it’s as if she can read minds!
*FALLS OUT OF CHAIR*
Yo! It’s like she can read minds? *Head Desk* We know she reads minds as this is frigging Twilight and not a new story!!
Now we get their new names. Remember this is the crap that says about how oh so uncommon those names are. Suspicion!
Edith Cullen: I can buy this, that is an old fashioned name even if it has gained popularity recently since Downton Abbey.
Eleanor Cullen: I find this hard to accept as remember these names are meant to be so old fashioned. Maybe it is my English bias but that name is pretty common. I went to school with a lot of Eleanors. Maybe Eglantine? (Yes, I love Bedknobs and Broomsticks)
Jessamine Hale: This one is odd to me. I looked up the origins of the name as it is the French version of Jasmine which is Persian in origin. This name only became used in the Western World and mainly Britain in the 1900s so way after Lady Jasper would have been born which was before the American Civil War. Judith, June or Julia seem far more fitting for the era. Again, this took me minutes to find.
Royal Hale: Wow, I can already say that name sounds stupid and weird considering Rosalie was gang raped to death by a man named Royce King, seems too close for comfort. Not a lot of information on the name except that it means Ox and was first used in the 19th century. I still think it is a very odd choice of name for a man of middle class status in the 1920s in America, maybe in Britain though. More realistic names would be Ralph, Ronald, Reginald and Roger. They are considered very old fashioned names and fit with the time. It honestly took me a few minutes to look this up.
Archie Cullen: I don’t know if this is my English bias seeping through again but this name has had a huge spike in popularity just like the name Alfie so I don’t think ultra-old fashioned. I would think Albert, Aubrey or August would be the better option as they are very old fashioned. Think of the popularity of Archie Comics? Yet, this could be the inspiration as it is wacky like Man Alice but that name is starting to be very common over in the UK so I just want to face palm.
Then we have Beau staring at Edith, which is totally OK when he is doing it. He calls her perfect again and it is really getting on my nerves. He then remarks how odd and old those names are and thinks it may be because they are Crab People but then realises that this cannot be true as he has loads of Jeremys at his old school. News Flash! I had no Jeremys in my school year but I had three Eleanors in my year, what does that say about how weird and old their names are!
Then more copy and pasting about how Mrs Cullen is infertile so they take in all these children even though they are super young. Still sounds like a terrible cover up but Meyer tries to fix it as now Mr Cullen is their uncle. Still stupid.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 6
I am determined to finish this chapter. More copy and pasting about how they moved here from Alaska and Beau feels bad for them as they are snowflakes new like him. BLAH! We have the same crap about how *vomits* the perfect girl, I hate you Beau, thinks she is better than everyone else and doesn’t date because they are beneath her. Sour grapes? Nope, judging by what Edward thought in Midnight Sun then that is the truth.
We then have more shit about how it seems like Edith can hear them! *Yawns* The Cullens then wander off and are all graceful even the golden prom king. What the hell was that? Beau and gender flipped Angela, who is now Allen, walk to Biology in silence. I am so fascinated. They then get to class and ZOMG!! There are no seats except the one next Edith!! The excitement is killing me.
Edith proceeds to have a shit fit that still doesn’t make me think she is wild with thirst. Again Midnight Sun pretty much wrecked this already as all we saw was Edward coldly plotting the murder of everyone in the room.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 7
Now it is the same crap about the black eyes. People don’t think that, they would just think very dark brown eyes that look black in the right light. Who am I kidding? Beau is so smart and insightful that he notices stuff that Crab People are too stupid to notice.
Beau moans about how Edith is giving him the stink eye and sniffs his clothes which now smell of just generic laundry detergent rather than strawberries. He has man smell and true men don’t like fruit smells as that is not the man way.
Beau uses this time to gawp at Edith while she is having her shit fit and says something I find utterly horrifying and is brand new to this monstrosity.
I couldn’t help but notice how perfect that skin was. Not one freckle, not one scar.
Ew! What the hell is that?! That is one, creepy as these people are essentially bleached so very doll-like but perfect! Really Beau? So freckles are ugly? I really hate to sound like I’m advocating double standards but that is just disgusting with Beau sitting there ogling her skin and declaring it perfect. Scars tell stories of your life and freckles are considered normal and nice features. It sounds like Beau is saying these things are horrible and skin should just be perfectly pale and flawless as that is what is deemed perfect. This comes back to me saying how obsessed he seems with women and their skin when it came to Erica. It is just vile and I am moving on before I throw my laptop.
Beau moans some more about how she seems so angry about him sitting next to her. Maybe it is because you aren’t so special? Blergh, I wish, we know what this is about. We then find out that her name isn’t Edith but is Edythe as she needs a unique and fancy spelling now that this is Meyer’s self-insert.
Edythe gives Beau more stink eye and this is just dragging! However, the next bit made me want to vomit:
She moved like a dancer, every perfect line of her slim body in harmony with all the others
We now have another aspect to Beau’s checklist of what makes a woman perfect and that is being slim. I’m sorry but I don’t think that is me being sensitive. He states she is slim and that she is perfect. So slim is perfect and Beau knows best. He just wants one of those creepy sex robots as they have flawless skin and can be manufactured to be slim. This is also Meyer wanking again as she did this when Bella was her self-insert and that was to constantly remind us that Bella is petite and slim.
We now meet gender flipped Mike! Who is now McKayla and we have to be told how she has straightened her hair and it looks like a curtain. Why are you such a pig, Beau? Thank God he doesn’t call her a dog in this. He actually bonds with McKayla but screw this generic girl as Beau wants perfection. They then obsess over Edythe as what else is there to do?
Beau then moans about taking gym and I giggled again that the Coach is still called Clapp. We then skip gym in a sentence as we have gone a whole page with Edythe and that isn’t allowed.
Beau returns to the reception and who could be there too? Why it is Edythe, of course. She is asking to switch from Biology and Beau bemoans how it can’t be about him as he is just too special. She turns round and once again he has to say how she is ridiculously perfect. I am really tired of that word and it is just building up my rage. It’s only chapter one and I can feel a rage ulcer starting. Bella never did this! Why does Beau do it? Beau then feels genuine fear over this tiny lady, he is such a loser. Then he finally goes home!
Thank goodness for that! That chapter was painful. I doubt the others will be this long because this one was introducing all the new characters and discussing that. I need a nap after that.
Next will be a review of the musical Aladdin because I saw it for my birthday and I have many thoughts. Then I will get back to this craptastic mess and move onto chapter two!