It’s time for the next chapter of this atrocious mess! This will hopefully not be as painful and long as the first chapter but knowing me and Meyer then it probably will be. Last chapter saw Beau gawping at the Cullens while making me feel very uncomfortable. Let’s get cracking.
Beau starts this new chapter by guess what? Whining!! A Hobnob for those who guessed right. He is whining about how the clouds are all dark. This guy sounds like the stereotypical elderly British people who do nothing but obsess over the weather.
Oh Jesus, I actually want the obsession with the weather back as now we have Beau basking in the fact that two women that he would never tap are fighting over him. Chess Club Erica, yes he calls her that, is glaring at him as he walks with McKayla, which he finds so very flattering. Oh hunny, don’t bother with Beau as he only wants perfection. *Punches Book*
We then have a whole paragraph of Beau whining about all sorts of things like the weather, not knowing the right answer in class, and being forced to play sports. I honestly imagine Beau as having the most whiney and nasally voice. The worst part is that OH NOES! Edythe isn’t in school today.
WAHHHH!!! 33 (One point for each whiney topic and two for the fact Edythe isn’t there)
Dude! Why do you care? She glared at you once and then stormed off. This apparently keeps him up all night as he wants to confront her but can’t as she is too beautiful. You are a loser Beau and it is annoying me.
Then Beau whines some more at lunch about expecting Edythe to glare at him again. This is literally two pages of whining. McKayla has started to become territorial over Beau for some bizarre reason. This is also when Beau decides to be a shallow prick by only focusing on this boy’s appearance in the negative as he focuses on the bowl cut and braces. This guy is more shallow than Bella, which is shocking as she was the shallowest bint I have ever had the misfortune to read about.
Then we have the charming paragraph of Beau getting off on the fact that girl’s fancy him in Forks. He describes McKayla as sort of pretty and this attention makes him uncomfortable. I don’t why but the sort of description really makes me uncomfortable. He isn’t sure if it is because as the man then he should be the one courting a lady love or because of how hot Edythe is. All he talks about is these girls looks, it’s like he is trying to pick the best cut of beef rather than talking about them as people. Personality is pretty important as someone may be gorgeous but have the personality of a cabbage. Also Bella did not go into this much detail about being the most desirable woman in school.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 13
After getting off on how awesome he is, Beau decides he needs to go back to whining about how Edythe isn’t there. This is just pure filler and I’m bored. Then he moans about gym and we rush home. This is nap inducing.
We now get the same stupid shit that was in Twilight about how Charlie can’t cook anything but bacon and eggs but also how there is no food in the house. I’m sorry but this is just stupid, he is a grown man who has lived alone for seventeen years. He may rely on ready meals but I still cannot fathom how he cannot cook anything! This is so beyond stupid as he is a policeman and needs to stay somewhat healthy. Common sense would make you think to change this nonsense yet of course Meyer wouldn’t as we need to make Beau so special. This is the same stupid stereotype that Meyer has where men can’t cook, that is women’s work. I think Gordon Ramsay would like to talk to you with a sharp fork and do this:
Gordon Ramsay has such a way with words.
Yes, it is now Beau as a man who is the one cooking but that is because that Renee is so beyond stupid in this book that she probably would have given her son raw chicken and called it rare. So Beau would have to be the one who cooks otherwise they would all perish from food poisoning.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 14
We went a whole paragraph without obsessing over the Cullens and that is just not acceptable! Beau then decides to obsess over how they are the owners of the Volvo and how they are all dressed in designer gear. Not sure how you can tell as all they ever seem to wear is beige trousers and jumpers. Also, why are they flaunting how different they are?! They are living in a poor town and the rule of the Volturi is not to draw attention to yourself so the secret is kept. They just seem to love showing off to the Crab People. Beau decrees that due to their looks and wealth that they have chosen to be isolated. Sadly, he is right because the Cullens think they are just so much better than those peasants but has he ever thought that maybe they are excluded because they are arseholes? They so are and maybe that’s why. Not in Beau’s head, they are pretty so therefore awesome and how can they not be adored as looks are all that matters. Beau, is such a shallow prick and I hate him.
Ergh, we get more wanking over the Cullens. This time it is wanking over Royal and Eleanor. He goes on and on about how Royal is touching her hip but how does he dare to do such an act as she does not look approachable and is mega-hot! He said that phrase as once again he seems to have the vocabulary of a twelve-year-old. However, her mega hotness is not what makes her unapproachable. I don’t even know anymore. Even The Rock would not dare wolf whistle her! I saw on his Twitter that he said he so would. Eleanor is described in oddly masculine terms which I think may be because it separates her from Edythe who is nice and feminine. He is also weirdly obsessed with height. He seems to have a mental tape measure.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 15
Beau gets to the supermarket and has to remind us that he did all the shopping when he lived with his mum, probably because Renee would get lost and die in the frozen aisle. He gets home and bitches that Charlie doesn’t have things organised well, which is stupid as maybe it is his system and I thought there was no food in the house. For the love of God, STOP USING OCD IN SUCH A FLIPPANT WAY!! YOU DO NOT HAVE OCD!! That is really enraging me because this is just blatant dismissal what a serious condition OCD is. OCD IS NOT JUST ORGANISED!
Thank you Hades.
Beau then decides to make steak and potatoes. Oh, what a culinary visionary you are! I’m not slamming the choice in food because of snobbery as I love steak and potatoes but because it is a very simple dish. I’m sorry but I think Charlie could cook a steak. Someone I know is not a great cook as they were never taught so sticks with easy oven things but they can cook an excellent steak which was self-taught. Meyer should have changed the dish to something more complicated to prove her point that Charlie can’t cook.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 8
Beau then decides to check his email as he never told his mum that he arrived home safely. He sneers mentally that she will be panicking. Well, duh! It’s been three days and she hasn’t heard from you after travelling cross country. Also, I thought you were super close with your mum. Obviously not.
He turns on his ancient computer; I am almost imagining the giant computers from the 1980s. He has three emails from Renee and naturally she is stupid as she can’t find her blouse. Does this woman just lay there in a heap till someone helps her? She is naturally angry that she hasn’t heard from him which annoys Beau. He emails her back and there is nothing to note except that he whines about the rain.
I noticed that Meyer has cut out Bella reading Wuthering Heights which is weird. Has she actually made Beau more boring than Bella? Wow! Charlie comes home and Beau has to bitch that his father calls out his name. Does nothing bring you joy? Then we still have that stupid paragraph about Charlie’s gun and Beau not shooting himself in the face. Then we get some more Renee bashing!
Mom was an imaginative cook, when she bothered, and her experiments weren’t always edible.
The bit underlined was not in the original text. That is so snarky and bitchy of Beau. I’m sorry but this is just making Renee so much worse that she can’t be bothered to feed her own child. Also if she is like this then how did Beau learn? This is becoming outright neglect on Renee’s part. She doesn’t feed her son and doesn’t even bother doing any cleaning. Did they live in a shit tip and surviving on lone bits of cheese till he grew up and did these things for her? Also why on earth did Charlie not fight for custody when his ex-wife can’t be arsed to feed his only son. Of course, this could just be Beau being a nasty little shit again and likes to feel that his life is just so hard by outright lying to himself about his mother’s capabilities. The woman is a teacher for God’s sake! She can’t be this useless.
We then have Charlie praising Beau for his highly imaginative meal of steak. Charlie asks about school and that’s when we have the copy and pasted rant of Charlie wanking over the awesomeness of the mighty Cullens. I am not going into it as it is stupid and just Meyer moving Charlie’s mouth as the puppet master and making him say things. So to summarise: The Cullens are awesome and don’t you dare think otherwise as that makes you a doodiehead. They then both get boners over the Cullen’s hotness.
You should see the doctor,” Charlie said, laughing. “It’s a good thing she’s happily married. A lot of the hospital staff have a hard time concentrating on their work with her around.”
I underlined that as that phrase is better but it still has an undercurrent of sexism. The original said nurses not hospital staff. So when Carlisle was a dude then it was the nurses as nursing is clearly a woman’s job. As if there are male nurses, they are the doctors! Now that we have Lady Carlisle then it has to be changed to just staff as we can’t have men in a stereotypical women careers. That is just crazy talk! The original should have had hospital staff but no, we get this sexist nonsense.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 16
Also, people don’t always cheat because they are unhappily married. Many do it because they love the thrill of the secrecy and danger of being caught.
Beau then does the washing up while bitching that there is no dish washer. This guy would win gold in the whinging Olympics. We then fast forward a whole week as Edythe isn’t there and Meyer doesn’t have time for character building. We then skip the weekend which could have been time to develop Beau’s personality and interests but na, that is hard. Oh for Christ’s sake:
Cleaned up the house – obviously OCD wasn’t a problem for Charlie.
WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!! YOU DO NOT HAVE OCD!!! YOU ARE JUST CLEANING!!
Also thanks for basically telling us that Charlie is a slob as well as a terrible cook. Men don’t clean, that’s what women are made for! Beau does it because his mother is too incompetent to understand the concept of a sponge.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 17
He is also bitches that the library has nothing interesting as clearly those Crab People haven’t managed to get to the reading level past See Spot Run. He then boasts that he aced a quiz on Wuthering Heights. We get it, you have read the Classics. That does not impress me.
It then starts to snow which Beau hates as nature just generally offends him. Then he has to bitch about how the snow is not special enough for him as he thought they were all individual pretty snowflakes. Also I love offended Beau is when McKayla laughs at him for not understanding snow yet he does the exact same thing to the people in Forks and their weather.
Then we have the snowball fight and I still don’t care. Beau then walks into the cafeteria and ZOMG!! EDYTHE IS BACK!! ARGHH!!! Beau is now all scared because the girl that looked at him funny is back. Everyone coddles him which is just pathetic especially as he adds that McKayla’s concerned is over the top. For the love of God! Why can you not just think that she is being a genuine friend is concerned that you have turned into a puddle of jelly? Why do people what to be friends with this prick?
He then stares at the Cullens and they seem to be actually having fun after the snowball fight. I thought fun was banned in this universe. Then we have to obsess over the fact that Edythe is staring at Beau. Why is this deemed so fascinating?! Jeremy says that the Cullens don’t like anyone which is true, Edward thought everyone was a boring pleb and that they were all beneath him.
We then have more filler of Beau feeling nervous but Edythe is just so mean to him. She looked at you funny, get over it! Edythe sits down next to him and we get more description of her perfect face. I can just imagine Beau drooling while he gawps at her. They then introduce themselves and Beau is all amazed that the amazing Edythe Cullen knows his name. Then I wanted to puke:
“Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”
WHY!?! Why do they care! I want answers as this is just killing me.
Beau agrees with her as he is just so awesome. He is all amazed that she called him Beau rather than Beaufort. Nope, I have no idea why this is so shocking but it is meant to be foreshadowing her mind reading.
The next section is exactly the same as it was in Twilight, just awkward and dull small talk while they do the lab that both know exactly how to do as they have done it before but we are still meant to be amazed that they complete it so quickly.
Nope, not impressed.
We then have the same crap about how Edythe’s eyes are now golden butterscotch instead of black. *Yawns* Next is just Beau explaining how he hates the weather and why he left Phoenix. Nothing has been changed except the pronouns. Beau is again coming off as a rude little shit while he moans that he is suffering but life is shit so he just has to deal with it. They finish the class and go their own ways and the rest of the day is summed up within a paragraph. Then we end the chapter.
That chapter was so dull as it was mainly copy and pasted. I know Meyer is trying to show that the story is the same but it is boring. The interaction has not changed in the slightest, Meyer probably thought any interaction between them was too perfect to change. That is a mistake as it would have only taken a few insertions to at least show what their personalities are like when talking to each other. Stupid insertions of Beau getting off on Edythe’s face is not good enough.
Next up is chapter three where we see my favourite character which is Tyler’s truck. That noble truck that almost killed Bella and we could have all cheered for that marvellous beast. Alas, as we know that does not come to past. Such a shame.