Blergh, Chapter 3, this could have been the best chapter ever but sadly not. It is still just as annoying and Beau lives which makes me sad. Well let’s get cracking!

Beau starts off with semi-whining about the weather. Shocking! It is slightly clearer but still cloudy which naturally annoys him as he is whinier about the weather than a British, elderly lady.

WAHHHH!!! 41

 Beau now tells us in a pointless paragraph about how it is now icy. I won’t give him a point for that as icy roads are a nightmare. I have a very dodgy ankle (I keep a walking stalk in my wardrobe) so that would strike the fear in my heart. Beau is far more preoccupied about eating breakfast quickly as he wants to get to school, but not for the thirst of knowledge but because he needs to stare at Edythe some more. He at least acknowledges that this is stupid yet we know he will still do it.  Now for a sentence that baffles me:

“Edythe wasn’t a McKayla or an Erica. I was well aware that my league and her league were spheres that did not touch.”

 My God! First off, this may be shocking, so you may want to sit down for this. Comfy? Good.

LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING!! THERE IS A THING CALLED PERSONALITY THAT IS DEEMED IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE A SHALLOW PRICK!!

*Seethes*

Also that inclusion of Erica and McKayla was really not necessary so that just sounds like you think they are ugly and beneath you. I have a spade that would like to high-five your face.

Oh, this just gets worse. He goes on and on and on about how Edythe has given him unrealistic expectations towards women for the rest of his life and then goes on about the perfection of her face and body. You are a shallow prick, Beau. Does personality mean absolutely nothing to him? He is also very melodramatic. Observe:

“She might have at one point wanted me dead.”

 WAHHHH!!! 42

 Yes, we know she did as he smells like coffee and vanilla to her and therefore wanted to eat him but he does not know that, so he comes across as a sad and melodramatic idiot. He then goes into a massive amount of detail about walking to the car. I just don’t care. We then have the scene were Beau discovers the fact that Charlie put chains on his truck. This is worse than Bella. Why? I hear you cry! Well:

“I probably should have been the one to think about putting chains on his tires, if I could figure out how to do that.”

Charlie has been living alone most of his adult life, par two years at most with Renee. I think he is more than capable of putting these on himself rather than his son who has lived in the desert for most of his life so has no need for snow chains. This is Beau just infantilising his parents to make himself looks so much better and also as an excuse as to why he is just so mind numbingly dull. This is beyond stupid and frankly insulting. He has two parents who love him and he just likes to mentally baby them and deride them for being so stupid that he was robbed of a childhood. You, my friend, are an arsehole.

He then moans about how of course this is how it should be and even though he doesn’t mention names he makes it pretty clear that he thinks that parents who look after their child is as mystical as a unicorn. Again, I stand by that it is either Factitious Syndrome by Proxy or abuse by neglect.

WAHHHH!!! 43

 Next up is my favourite character of the whole book makes her only appearance. I present the truck that tries to kill Beau and save us from this misery! I love you. My joy is short lived as Meyer has not changed the fact that the beautiful truck is screeching as you do not screech if you hit black ice. It is silent and yes, terrifying. Beau should not have heard the truck and should have been squished (if only).

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 9

I really don’t see the point of going into the next bit as it is copy and pasted so therefore just as stupid as the original where the truck seems determined to kill Beau (Yay!) and keeps coming back over and over again to squish him and then seems to try and jump on him. I have no idea but I think this truck has purposely ignored the laws of physics just to try and get rid of this menace. Sadly, it’s valiant efforts are in vain as Edythe stops it.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 10 (Vans don’t repeatedly try to jump on people.)

 Ergh, we must get sexism in this mess of a scene as Beau, unlike Bella realises he can’t move his arm while Edythe is holding him because of shock because as if he couldn’t break the hold of a woman. Dude, you don’t work out or even do anything but sit and mop. I’m sure many women could keep you restrained, especially if they are rugby players. Of course, it’s because she is a vampire because as if a puny human woman could do that.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 18

The next two pages is literally copy and pasted but switched pronouns. Every girl is screaming as girls do that and Edythe says Beau probably has a concussion while he goes on about her getting her there so fast as he is so smart and clever *cough* stalker *cough*. I’m not describing anymore as it is the same scene in Twilight. They arrive at the hospital and Beau, just like the stupidity that is Bella takes of the neck brace as it’s like totally embarrassing and what if Edythe sees him like that!?! He would, just, like die. Which he may have done as sometimes those can be used to stop internal decapitation until you go into surgery. I know, he is right and is fine but that is not the point.

WAHHHH!!! 44

 We now meet gender swapped Tyler who is now Taylor. We get the same copy and pasted crap of Taylor apologising and fawning over Beau who is clearly fine even though she has many cuts to her face. They then talk about Edythe as what else could they talk about? This chapter is seriously lazy and it is just copy and pasting then jiggling some pronouns about.

Beau then smugly tells us that he doesn’t even have a concussion, well maybe next time you won’t be so lucky so listen to the medics as they know better than you. He is then is told he needs to wait for the doctor to be discharged and ignores Taylor who feels very guilty for what happened. Pah, don’t women know they should be silent and only speak when spoken too.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 19

 Blergh, gender flipped Carlisle Cullen now arrives. Errm…. Yay? First however, we must note that Edythe looks too feminine and nice to stop the best character ever. Funny how Jessamine was noted as being tough enough to take down a dozen men with a machete. Hmm…. I still think this is the same crap that Beau needs the nice and feminine one as he is the MAN!!! Only her vampirism can excuse her toughness as women can’t do that.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 20

 I hate that count. Now we have pure wanking over Lady Carlisle and I just want to curl up and die.

“She was young, she was blond…and she was more beautiful than any movie star I’d ever seen. Like someone sliced up Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Marilyn Monroe, took the best parts, and glued them together to form a goddess.”

Wow! I have a few comments so I am pulling out the bullet lists:

  1. It’s blonde not Lady Carlisle is a woman so therefore the feminine spelling is needed.
  2. Is Beau related to Buffalo Bill? He is obsessed with skin and then talks about slicing them up. Yes, it may be metaphorically but I don’t care.
  3. Meyer, you have teenage boys. You are either very naive to think that they think this when looking at a beautiful person or are just stupid. If he is drooling over Lady Carlisle then I am sure he would be pitching a fresh tent right there in the E.R. Stay classy, Beau.

We then have the same copy and pasted crap of Beau lying about how much pain he has in his head because he is a moron. My God! This chapter is such a waste of time as it just more copy and pasted shite yet still includes the line about how the whole school is in the waiting room to see Beau as they clearly care more about some random new boy compared to Taylor who by the standards of this tripe, they have known their whole lives. Screw Taylor, is Beau alright?!

The next section is the section of Beau wanting answers about Edythe’s amazing apparating act. I read this section and then Twilight and honestly it is exactly the same. It is so boring!! This is just an excuse for more money to roll in. I hate to defend Midnight Sun but at least there was added aspects to give Edward some more personality and by that I mean psychosis. This is worse than dull.

We still have the same stupidity of Beau saying he would never tell anyone that Edythe is a witch, who can apparate. Oh, wait! Wrong and better cannon. My bad! Then we have the whole “WAHHH!! YOU WISH I WAS DEAD!! WAHHH!!!”. Less melodramatic my arse.

WAHHHH!!! 45

 We then finish this pointless chapter with Beau whining that the WHOLE school is there to see him. Who gives a fuck about Taylor? Then Beau whining because his father told his mother that her son got hurt! What an arsehole! *Facepalm* Renee is in hysterics but Beau doesn’t care as he can only think about Edythe and therefore starts dreaming about her. Why waste time reassuring your mother?!

That was pointless! 90% was copy and pasted. No extra characterisation or well anything! Just some pronoun flipping. If I was a fan and had actually spent full price on this thing (so glad that I bought this thing for a pound) then I would be seriously annoyed at this point. No point has been proven and I am bored.

Next up is the fun chapter of Beau rejecting every girl because they don’t have the perfection that is Edythe Cullen. I am so going to need booze for that chapter.

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