I am feeling upset and miffed so therefore blogging and reviewing is in order, especially when it comes to this shit. I can’t deny it is therapeutic so why not indulge? So we open up with Beau dreaming symbolic things as every suethor’s wet dream needs that! He is dreaming of Edythe with her glowing skin. Hmm…. Is Beau a fortune teller? He is running after the sparkly awesomeness but just can’t keep up! Oh Noes! *Grasps Face*

WAHHHH!!! 46

We then skip an entire month. Why? It is because Edythe isn’t speaking to Beau! Oh the horror!!! Beau whines that he is the centre of attention and how he hates it. Yeah, right! Taylor is like so totally annoying! Gawd! Taylor, can’t you see that Beau is trying to mope. He says he has tried to convince her that he would prefer it if she left him alone rather than trying to make it up to her. Here is a shocking idea:

TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!!

This is not hard and is better in the long run for all the women who seem to fawn over you (Christ’s knows why as you are a spineless shit). Beau, like Bella never tells their suitors that it is a no and just strings them a long for their own amusement. It is horrible and just as nasty as ghosting. Don’t make them think that you would be interested to just then break their hearts. Just say no and they will move on pretty fast. The moral of this little section is to be honest and truthful as that might hurt but the truth is far better than lies and deceit that will be found out. I think most people would rather know so then you can accept it.

We get the same copy and pasted crap about how he always made sure that Edythe was always included as the heroine of the story. Beau then admits that he watches her too much and says that he is clearly a stalker. Hmm:

NO SHIT!!!

I hope we can note that it is more noticeable when it comes from Beau that he is a creepy stalker because he is a man. Well, Bella does this but when it comes to stalking it is always Edward who gets the flack. Yes, he is a serious stalking pro, he watches her sleep, people! Yet Bella gets no outrage even though she is a stalker too. Women can stalk so now that it is Beau it should not be worse because he is a male. Sadly, it is more noticeable due to Beau now being a man but it has to be noted that Bella does it too. Double standards!

I am so skipping the next page as it is just Beau obsessing about how amazing Edythe is and how she nodded at him! Oh! How will he live!! He proceeds to stalk her by just staring at her and because he is so clever he notices that her eyes change colour. I don’t care as you are creepy, my dear sir.

It’s funny, those counts are painful as they show terrible writing but I miss them as they show something different. This is just dull as it is pure copy and pasted. I can’t wait for when we meet Lady Jacob as there are so many words. Well, we need to get there so let’s carry on!

Oh my Jesus! We now have Beau bitching about how Forks has no seasons as it is just rain. I’m sorry but after ten years Meyer should know that they do as they are situated in a temperate rainforest. I get pissy because of my home land. Oh, the UK is just rain! NO!! We have stunning springs and our summers can be scorching but our autumns are usually known as Indian summers due to the heat and lack of rain. Stop stereotyping places by weather! I am extra sensitive as I am thought of as someone who needs web-feet to navigate my capital as it apparently rains 362 days out of the year. It is annoying!

Blergh! Give me back the weather!! We now have Jeremy asking if Beau will accept McKayla’s invitation to the girl’s choice dance as Jeremy wants to get all up in that. We have the same crap of Beau saying he doesn’t dance as he is so clumsy. I need to vent! I am very clumsy as I have flat feet and very dodgy ankles. I am a walking ACME advert (must explain why I am single) but yet when a good 1950s swing song comes up then bugger it I will dance! I fall over my own feet and due to a serious injury this could do me serious damage to myself if I fall over but sometimes a good rat pack song makes me want to dance. Don’t use your boring masquerading as clumsy as an excuse. Just say you don’t want to go. Alas, Beau has to do the male version of cock-teasing. I have no idea what the female version is. Let’s say in this blog that it is foof-baiting.

We now enter the first instance of foof-baiting! McKayla asks Sir Arsehole to the dance and he says no in his foof-baiting way as he so totally would but he is out of town and he doesn’t do the peacock mating call dance. Tell her no!! He then turns totally bro as he is doing this for his bro Jeremy (who he doesn’t give a shit about) and is like so totally breaking the bro code by telling a chick this. *Facepalm*

Now we reach Biology and McKayla asks if it is true that Beau doesn’t attend dances and Beau says yes rather than saying he isn’t interested. Now we have a new edition. McKayla is apparently angry about this which Mike never was. I don’t know if we have a HellBitch situation.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 21

 We then get the sickly transcript of McKayla asking Beau if it would make a difference if she was asking even though she knows Jeremy wants to go with her. Beau has the perfect opportunity to say that he is not interested but Jeremy is a great guy. Pah! As if! He says the latter but says he just doesn’t do dances. Just say you aren’t interested as you are just foof-baiting and that is not right. Naturally he is staring at Edythe while saying this is so surely McKayla sending shade at Edythe because she noticed Beau staring at Edythe.

He still doesn’t tell her that he isn’t interested after she asks if he would yes if it was someone else and why does he have to go for a jaunt in Seattle that weekend.

JUST TELL HER!!!

*GNAWS ON SOFA*

He then says that she will have much more fun with Jeremy, which to be fair is most likely true as Beau is so dull that he makes taxes sound fun. Blergh, then Beau and Edythe stare at each other. Why do they do this? It is just the same copy and pasted crap of them staring at each other or something else to ignore each other. We then get that stupid shit of Edythe saying they are better off not being friends and Beau saying his hyper mature retort of:

“WAHHHH!! YOU WISH I WAS DEAD!!! WAHHHHH!!!”

WAHHHH!!! 47

 I do love this line though:

““You’re an idiot,” she told me”

Preach it, Edythe!

We once again get Beau’s stalkerish tendencies about how he watches her every move and dreams about her. Why was this OK when it was Bella? This pisses me off as it is pure double standards. I thought Bella was a creepy stalker but it was always Edward vilified but now it is Beau stalking Edythe then it is bad. No, it has always been bad and just a story about two stalkers stalking each other. I hate double standards when it comes to abuse in relationships.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 22

NOO!!! More copy and pasting with pronoun switches. Beau falls over and Edythe picks up his books quickly as she is a vampire, yo! I’m so bored.

Erica now decides to ask out Beau to the dance. I once again have no idea as he thinks of you with disdain as the nerd chick who is beneath him. I would rather go alone. She is clearly nervous and uncomfortable. He rejects her with his stupid excuse of not going and she says that maybe they will go next time. I feel like I am repeating myself but:

TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!!!

I know she is awkward and self-conscious but seriously just tell her. She can then move on rather than pine over you. I know this from experience as I am a resilient person and bounce back but due to Aspergers I struggle to get signals. Just be straight with me and just tell me. I will not lie in a bed of heather crying for days. I loathe being lead on. It is cowardly and spineless.

Edythe finds Beau’s foof-baiting hilarious! Well, I am not surprised as Edward was a manipulative snake who loved to bathe in human tears so she was bound to be the same. We then spend a very long chapter of Edythe cutting off Beau with her car from driving away so she can enjoy more foof-baiting. Taylor decides to ask this prick out? WHY!?! He is so dull and an arsehole.

Beau is then a dick because his patience is all used up with all these women wanting him. I am sorry but surely you would be flattered that these girls liked you? I know I would be! At my prom while everyone was dancing with male counterparts and I was sitting alone watching I had my favourite female sub teacher pull me up for a dance as she did not want me to be left out. I really appreciated that even though it is pretty sad. I think most High Schoolers would appreciate the interest. I think it is because these girls aren’t perfect.

*Throws Cactus, Lampshade, Sofa and Chair!*

She then says that is OK as they still have prom. TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!!! Why is this so difficult!?!

He then obsesses over Edythe and then we have this truly bizarre sentence:

“Maybe I could work out a visit to my mom, or maybe she could come here. What was I going to make for dinner? We hadn’t had chicken in a while.”

I think I got a literature induced whiplash!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 11

 My God! More copy and pasting of Beau making the highly difficult dish of enchiladas while obsessing over Edythe, like the massive stalker he is. He then donates a sentence of him feeling faux-sympathy for the girls he rejected. I call shenanigans as I sincerely doubt he feels bad.

PAH!! Next is Beau saying he is boring. Well, duh! You have no personality except for disdain but Edythe is just so awesome and not boring. How do you know? You know nothing about her except her looks. She may be beautiful but could be as interesting as a cauliflower. After two very short conversations I cannot see how he came to the conclusion that she is fascinating. It is just so beyond shallow.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 23 (Sadly that does seem to be a common attitude)

WAHHHH!!! 48

Then Beau likes to remind us that it isn’t just her beauty that gets him but how brilliant she is (how do you know?) and strong. Oh she is also perfect! I am getting seriously pissed off with that phrase. He knows nothing about her but her looks yet she is perfection! No wonder girls like me suffer from low self-esteem.

The next section is pretty much copy and pasted but still enrages me as this just entitled brat behaviour. Beau asks if he can go to Seattle but doesn’t want to ask per say as that sets out a bad precedent. Yeah, a child asking a parent for permission to drive four hours to Seattle and four hours back in an unreliable truck on an unfamiliar route is just so out of order. You live with your Dad and therefore his rules so yes, you should ask if you can go in a sincere fashion.

I still hate the next line. Charlie asks why he wants to go and Beau has to mentally insult him by saying that Charlie could not imagine a world outside the nest of the Crab People. No, maybe it is because you want to drive an unreliable truck on an eight-hour road trip in unfamiliar territory. It is called concern, you prick!

Beau then whines that he can get petrol along the way and how he, so, can navigate round a city he has never been to before and Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle. No it is not, seriously Google is not hard.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 12

Charlie offers to come with him. I think it is because he may like to spend time with his moody son but Beau once again shits on him and thinks it is because his Dad thinks of him as a five-year-old. Maybe he is concerned about you driving for eight hours by yourself on unfamiliar roads. How is this too difficult to comprehend? He then says his Dad is an uncoordinated moron. I call bullshit as we don’t have Charlie performing ACME style clumsiness all the time.

I pronounce thee, Sir Arsehole. Arise!

We then have Beau arriving at school and Edythe appears as we have gone too long without her presence. Blergh, he asks how she is able to appear out of no-where and she insults him in the same style as Edward.

Was she sadistic? Was this her idea of fun – torture the idiotic kid she could never possibly care about?”

I’m sorry but how about how you treated your line of women fawning over you and where you had led them on and never said you weren’t interested. Was that sadistic? Of course not as it’s you, so therefore it is fine when you do it but not when Edythe does it to you. 

WAHHHH!!! 48

 We then get the same crap about how it is obvious that Edythe can read minds as she practically spells it out when she stopped her car so Taylor could ask him to the dance. Blending in really well there, Edythe.

Next is then, sort, of talking but I’m bored. Beau says he doesn’t get what Edythe wants from him and she says nothing so we get the childish crap of Beau saying: “WAHHH!! YOU WISH THE VAN SQUISHED ME!!!”

WAHHHH!!! 49

Edythe says that he is being absurd. I would have personally told him that he is being a total child and that I have no interest in a friendship with a twit. Sadly, that is not to be. Edythe apologises and I really don’t see why as he was being a petulant brat. She then asks if he is free on the Saturday of the dance and Beau has a shit-fit as Gawd! Why do these women keep asking him out!?! Life is hard for Beau.

“She was apparently wearing no make-up at all – nothing smudged or ran. Of course, her face was just that perfect naturally” 

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!

It almost feels like, especially after the woman at the airport with her icky red lipstick, that the women who wear makeup are just gross and beneath Beau. Which then leads to the issue that make-up has a lot of bad implications, you see men saying make-up is just false advertising but then they moan as women look sick without it. It is just lose-lose situation. That attitude leads into Beau’s awful opinions. Women only wear make–up because they need it to look nice whereas women like Edythe are too perfect to need the sludge that is make-up. Also for the fact that plenty of women wear make-up because they enjoy it! A lot of the time I don’t wear it (I’m lazy) but when I do I like bright and vibrant lipsticks. There is nothing wrong with the colour of my lips but sometimes I like having the colour. This attitude is just women-shaming for the fact they wear make-up but they wear it because their looks are inadequate for the men folk. The ideal women do not wear make-up. Screw you, Beau!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 24

Sadly, it just gets worse. Observe:

For a second, I was actually angry – angry that she had to be so beautiful. Angry that beauty had made her cruel.”

 massive-nuclear-explosion

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!

Ahh, that felt better. She is not being cruel; I am sorry but you never thought about that when all the other girls asked you out. Is it because they aren’t perfect beauties by your standards?

Arsehole.

I have said before that Beau seems like the ‘Nice Guy’ in their fedoras who go for, in their own opinion, the most beautiful women but have no regard of what their personalities are actually like. When they get rejected then they lash out because these sluts don’t recognise a ‘Nice Guy’ when they find one and their looks have made them nasty bitches who deserve to be used and abused by the fuck boys. If only they went for the ‘Nice Guy’ who would treat them better even though they have no interest in their personalities and interests. Nice Guys deserve these women! It is a vile attitude and Beau has just shown himself to be that stereotypical ‘Nice Guy’.

ARSEHOLE!!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 25

We then get the same crap of Edythe asking Beau if he would like it if she joined him on the trip to Seattle as she thinks his truck won’t make it and how it is a gas guzzler.

““Oh, wow, great, so that’s all cleared up.” Thick Sarcasm

massive-nuclear-explosion

WHY WAS THIS NOT CHANGED!!!!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 100,000

OK, too extreme.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 17 (Still gave it 5 points as my God!)

I may explode again. Why I hear you cry?

“I looked down at her rain-washed face, clean and perfect”

I have ranted once about make-up so there is no point repeating myself. I still quoted that as that just proves my point about Beau’s judgemental attitude towards women and make-up. Only whores and ugly girls wear that stuff. Girls like Edythe are just too perfect to tamper with a masterpiece. I really hate this attitude and I honestly want to lob cacti at his face.

We finally end with Beau agreeing and Edythe being all mysterious even though I don’t care as I know where this is going.

Next time is the Chapter named ‘Blood Type’ and there is plenty of misogyny to go around. Errm.. yay!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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