Welcome back! Today is time for the big reveal that Edythe is a vampire and for us to meet Lady Jacob. How exciting! *Rolls Eyes* Let’s get this nonsense over with.

We start off with Beau listening out for his truck, why don’t you just look out the window? Physics is also for losers when it comes to vampires as his noisy truck appears out of nowhere because vampires are so much better than humans who are dictated by physics. Pfft! Such n00bs!

The next bit is Jeremey and Logan (Man Lauren) laughing and pretending to faint. Beau is pretty peeved about this as how dare they make fun of him. Now, I didn’t have many friends at school so my knowledge of teenage group behaviour is pretty poor as I have never been part of a group so I wouldn’t know. Also I haven’t been a teenage boy either but I was under the impression, especially with what I saw growing up that this was a common thing amongst teenage boys and is ‘banter’. It strikes me that Jeremy is being a Bantersauras Rex and making fun as that is common. All Beau did was almost faint; they are hardly making fun of something life threatening but they are teenage boys! The UK version of ‘The Inbewteeners” shows this constantly that teenage boys take the piss out of each other continually for anything embarrassing that may have happened as that it’s banter and there is no harm there. I don’t want to sound sexist but that does seem a fairly teenage male thing to do rather than pat him on the head and say awwww. I just think Beau sounds like a whiney little loser again and can’t take a joke.

WAHHHH!!! 53

 The next sentence rubs me the wrong way because it seems so aggressive. I don’t know if it is because Mike is now McKayla but I still think it would be aggressive coming from Bella. Observe:

“Luckily, McKayla had kept her mouth shut.”

Not enough to warrant a sexism point but it just makes Beau look like an arsehole again. You fainted Beau, they are hardly bullying you as you would know it. Stop being a Whining Winifred.

WAHHHH!!! 54

Beau and Jeremy next obsess over Edythe as what else do they have to do. They obsess over WHY OH WHY Edythe would sit with Beau. I don’t know nor care. He then obsesses over the fact that Edythe isn’t in today even though he knew that. This man needs a hobby, I’m tempted to send him some stamps to start a collection. It would be a start!

Beau hasn’t whined about the weather for a while so he needs to feel the need to rectify that. I found a new hobby for him, he should join a Bingo club and moan about the weather with the other elderly people. Beau, knows about weather more than the weather man as Beau won’t believe the sun exists unless he sees proof. There is sun in Forks! The residents aren’t Crab People with rickets.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 18

 Meyer should know by now that Forks isn’t under a constant cloud like a cartoon depressed person.

I then got confused as it looks Draco Malfoy has stumbled into the wrong cannon and is lost:

He ran a hand over his slick-backed, silver-blond hair.”

You may be an arsehole, Draco but you don’t deserve to be stuck here.

Apparently Logan/Draco keeps sending him the stink eye but Beau doesn’t understand why? Maybe because you are an arsehole who ignores everyone and treats them with disdain yet everyone fawns over you. I wouldn’t like you either. He bitches and says that Beau should sit with the Cullens from now on. He has a nasally voice according to Beau, how lovely that the one character who doesn’t fawn over him is instantly deemed horrible and insulted. He may not know you well Beau but because you seem to ignore everyone and treat them as if you couldn’t care less about their existence then that to me is a perfectly valid reason not to like you.

WAHHHH!!! 55

Beau gets home and then has to make fun of his father as well, I guess it passes the time. He derides his father for knowing the names of the kids going to the beach trip while saying he probably knows their great-grandparent’s names too. I doubt it, you are such a whiney moron, Beau. We then get more crap of Beau asking Charlie about the area where Edythe is hiking truanting but Charlie says that’s not safe as there are a ton of bears. Wow, the suspense of this mystery is killing me.

Beau wakes up when the Heavens break open and shine their glorious light onto his face and lo, the angels sing! That honestly seems to be the way it is described. Beau goes to meet his friend while again showing what a lack of personality he has due to the fact that nature disgusts him. Logan/Draco then decides to make fun of Beau some more by pretending to faint. This is not like when his lookalike Draco Malfoy was pretending to faint when Harry fainted from Dementors as they were school enemies. Logan/Draco is part of their mutual friendship group so it could be passed off as him being the Archbishop of Banterbury. Beau is all upset by it as no one can make fun of Beau.

No offense Beau but this is too sensitive even for me. I have mentioned before about my dodgy ankle, I did look ridiculous with my cane at my age and my friends (all men) made fun of me and I just laughed along as I knew they were just bantering (I really hate that word but it fits). However, I would not accept people making fun of my aspergers as that is a mental issue which makes me, well me and I would not accept being called a ‘retard’. There is a fine line but I think Beau is being ridiculous. He isn’t calling you a nasty and offensive name but is just pretending to faint. Logan/Draco maybe an arsehole in this book but what he is doing is very tame and pathetic.

WAHHHH!!! 56

McKayla squees with delight because the guy that ignores her shows up. They then both obsess over if Edythe will turn up. Please get a life!! This is just getting sad. Jeremy is pissed that McKayla gave Beau shotgun, if you are that annoyed then why don’t you confront her especially as you are going to this dance together? Well turns out there is not enough room so Jeremy is squeezed between McKayla and Beau but she is not happy being next to the guy she is going on a date with. TELL HIM!!! Is it really that bad to go to a dance alone? Ergh, this is Meyer land, of course that would be the worst thing ever.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 39

Beau then gives us a geography lesson which seems odd as I doubt he would be aware of the geography of an area he hates and especially when he hates nature. Beau then goes on and on about the beach. We then get the same stupid crap about the driftwood flames being blue. Natural driftwood doesn’t do that; they are chemically treated to give that sort of extreme effect and sold to tourists. Seriously, it has been ten years and Meyer said the majority of the changes were to fix things.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 19 

Beau then has a huge dilemma where he doesn’t know if he should sit on the beach and ignore everyone or go to the tide pools and ignore everyone. Logan/Draco decides he wants feeding so Beau decides to go to the tide pools to get away from him. Beau then needs to spout bloated and flowery prose about the beach. He really doesn’t sound like a teenage boy especially when he says this:

“The bouquets of anemones rippled in the visible current”

 Yeah, he is clearly a seventeen-year-old boy. Also he describes a black and white striped eel, wow I saw one of them in Tanzania on the West coast of Africa. I think that little guy is lost. Beau falls over all over the place. I doubt anyone is this clumsy, again ankle injury that can go at any time and I am not this bad!

They get back to the beach and they are joined by some stereotypical Native Americans. I can almost hear Beau referring to them as injuns. Beau then describes in nauseating detail about what everyone else is doing but I really don’t care.

We are now introduced to Lady Jacob who is now Julie. I have no complaints about the name as it is not stupid. Beau thinks she is very pretty but then has to mentally hate her, all because she asks him this:

You’re Beaufort Swan, aren’t you?”

I went into this in length before so I won’t do it again but I will say that virtual strangers knowing you by your full name is not offensive and therefore stop being a wanker.

WAHHHH!!! 57 

Beau corrects her like an arsehole as he doesn’t just say “Oh, hi! Yes that’s me but I prefer Beau” or “Hi, yes that’s me but call me Beau” instead Beau has to sigh like a little emo and say “Beau”. It then turns out that Julie’s Mum Lady Billy, now Bonnie sold Charlie her truck. Beau hasn’t been an arsehole for a few sentences and this is a new addition. It wasn’t common knowledge that Jacob’s Mum died in a car crash when he was young. Beau would have known him through his visits and feels the need to mention it in a arsey way. I don’t know if it is because I am grieving at the moment due to a recent bereavement but I just hate this throwaway comment about Julie’s Dad:

Charlie and Bonnie and Bonnie’s husband – George, I remembered now; he died a few years back, car accident or something.”

Why couldn’t he just say passed away as that sounds very dismissive to the death of a young man with a family who was his father’s best friend.

Beau shows how much better he is as he remembers Julie’s nickname (Jules) whereas Jules didn’t. Next we have them chatting which is probably the most natural and most genuine flirting in this entire book. They joke about the truck and have natural chemistry. Logan/Draco has to bitch all over this and asks how long they have known each other. Jules has more guts and personality than Jacob. I actually like this character which is a shame as she is nothing but a plot device.

We have gone too long without talking about the Cullens so Logan/Draco asks why no one invited them. Maybe because they are rude? Lady Sam looks all menacing and she has short hair which is apparently as short as boys because girls are meant to have long flowing locks and short hair makes them look a boy.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 40

Lady Sam then decides to add to the suspicious circumstances by commanding (Meyer’s words not mine) that the Cullens’ don’t come here. Taylor wants Logan’s attention back, so asks about his CD. *Yawn* Beau obsesses over Edythe again while he thinks of ways to manipulate Jules into talking about the Cullens. It’s a shame as they seem very natural and genuine together but this is Beau and loves to manipulate nice people for his own gain. So basically, he is Foof-Baiting again.

Well, he kind of is and he knows she likes him but he is not doing that awful technique of Bella’s faux-flirting for information. He isn’t simpering or playing their feelings for information. I am conflicted. I am glad that it isn’t there but it always seems like as a man he could not do that cock-teasing/foof-baiting nonsense as that’s for women and not men. He also mentions that it would be obvious that it was fake, is that Meyer saying that women are just far more manipulative and better at lying then men. I think I would prefer that the faux-flirting wasn’t there in both editions.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 41

Lady Sam has no new name, she is just Sam. Meh, I don’t care. We have the same conversation about Jacob/Jules telling Bella/Beau that the Cullen’s are vampires. So once again our great sleuth of a protagonist is just given the answer so he can frolic in a meadow sooner rather than later as keeping a mystery going is dull according to Meyer. I will quickly summarize as this is pointless. The Cullens are vampires stupid enough to come back to a town that has people that will remember them after a treaty that was created only seventy years before. MORONS!!! Anyway, it is cool as the Cullens drink animal blood.

McKayla appears and Jules asks if she is Beau’s girlfriend. Beau laments about how everyone thinks that. I have said it before but I will say it again.

TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED!! STOP FOOF-BAITING!!!

Jules’ says that it is because she wants people to think that. I am sorry but she shouldn’t be going to the dance with Jeremy as that is just cruel. McKayla gives Jules the stink eye but Beau says he would love to see Jules again (doubt he will bother as New Moon doesn’t exist). Beau says he will join Charlie when he next comes down to the reservation (PAHAHA). We end with Beau staring wistfully out of the window while obsessing over Edythe rather than thinking of the nice girl he had actual chemistry with. Shame.

Next time is a chapter that is pure filler but I am sure there are horrors to be unleashed.

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