Last time we met Lady Jacob and was shocked to see some actual chemistry between two human beings. As we all know though is that it will come to nothing. Who needs realism when we can stare at sparkly vampires? Speaking of vampires, Beau our intelligent, young sleuth has Edythe’s secret told to him so he doesn’t have to faff around with time consuming investigation skills. The chapter today is called “Nightmare”, this whole book is a nightmare.

Beau gets home and runs up-stairs while mentally deriding his father’s joy over basketball as only pointless dweebs like that, am I right? *Rolls Eyes*

We now have Beau getting out his CD player, which is still ridiculously outdated. You could get a non-brand MP3 players pretty cheaply back in 2006-2007 so I still feel like I am stuck in the 90s. She should have realised this by now.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 20

 It is also still written that the CD he is listening to is one of Phil’s favourite bands. Why can he not have a favourite band to just give us some hint of a personality? He had his Monty Python shirt, can’t we have a band too? He is just so mind numbingly dull that it hurts me. He then sticks a pillow on his face. Hmm…. I think I can help there, maybe shuv a heavy crate on that pillow. Just to make it that little bit extra snug. I can dream!!

Beau feels the need to describe, while not describing the music for two whole paragraphs. I really don’t care as it is just bland. He could be listening to anything from Reggae to Death Metal for all we know!

Next we have the stupid dream of Jules telling Beau to run, then McKayla tells him to run too. Meh, I would just leave him to fend for himself. Jules then turns into a wolf and Edythe is being all seductive in her black dress while showing her breasts. She is sparkling too. Jules goes for Edythe (I love Jules right now) but Beau whines as his lady love may get hurt. He wakes up and drops his CD player. I managed to sum up pure copy and pasted crap in less than a paragraph when this spanned a whole page.

The thing that did jump out at me though as how it is all sexy that Edythe has a revealing dress and red lipstick on but I wonder what lovely descriptions human women like McKayla would get for that. I know it’s a dream and Edythe only wears beige as she is dull but I do think there are some double standards in Beau’s sad little brain.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 42

 Beau then decides to bore us with a long laundry list of actions of him undressing and then showering. This is thrilling. Beau decided to go on his computer but naturally has to whine about it. The dial up is so slow and ancient. It’s so slow that he has time to get some breakfast. I repeat. It is 2006-2007 and it would be very unlikely to have crappy dial up, broadband is not some new-fangled invention but common and cheap. Why is this so difficult to understand?!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 21

 WAHHHH!!! 58

He then types ‘Vampire’ into Google, well actually judging by how difficult he seems to find searching for a generic vampire site, I suspect he is using Bing. I hate Bing. I managed to find vampire folklore and myths pretty easily so up yours, Beau. He finally goes on to ‘Vampires A-Z’ and calls it academic looking. I looked it up and I can assure you, Beau that it is not academic.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 22

 We get the same stupid quotes and Beau reading out the same three myths while rushing through some others. I feel like Meyer is trying to say to me about how much research she has done. Ermm…. No. Still not buying it. I love how the succubus and incubi aren’t mentioned by name, it doesn’t matter so much for Beau as he can’t get pregnant (just horribly murdered) but it still annoys me that Bella and Edward were so stupid that they didn’t think to wrap up his sparkly wang just in-case. Ergh, that is just a small vent.

We then get the nonsense of the good vampire which Meyer made up. Probably because vampires are undead abominations. Also he mentioned about coffins and only coming out during the day. That is a modern interpretation and mostly due to Hollywood, the same as the whole werewolf rivalry. Vampire myths span thousands of years throughout most cultures so Beau’s research sounds pretty half arsed to me. I have no issue with twisting mythology to create a fresh idea but at least research and try to explain why those things are wrong apart from the Volturi said so.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 23

Meyer had ten years to improve this but didn’t bother, especially when she said some of the issues fixed were mythology issues. This scene is pretty much copy and pasted with hardly any changes. Why change pointless crap but not this? Show some more myths and explanations to show you have a decent understanding of vampires as right now Beau looks like an idiot for believing this random girl straight off.

Beau decides he needs to get out of the house and walks into the forest which makes him stupid as he said there are no paths and has said how clumsy he is. Yeah, walk through an unfamiliar forest by yourself. That is sensible.

Beau decides that this book needs more padding so starts going on about trees and shows how much he hates nature and that nothing gives him joy:

“There were lots I didn’t know, and others I couldn’t be sure about, because they were so covered in green parasites.”

You’re a parasite as I can feel you sucking the life out of me with your constant whining.

WAHHHH!!! 59

 Beau then decides to sit and whine on a fallen tree as what else has he got to do?  He thinks about what Jules said and if she could be telling the truth. At first he thinks no as her culture and heritage are silly stories. He then goes through everything he has observed about Edythe. It’s the same old crap but one no longer fits. Any guesses?

And the way she sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadances and phrases that better fit the style of the historical romances my mom loved than that of a twenty-first-century class-room.”

 No, she really doesn’t. She comes across as a forward, pompous arsehole just like Edward but as I have explained many times she would not sound like that being an Edwardian, middle class woman. It is really getting on my nerves as historical research is important when writing historical characters, you can’t just swap the pronouns as it just sounds off.

Beau then blathers on about what he should do. RUN!! It’s not difficult. Sadly, that makes his heart hurt and he can’t have that. He then bangs on about how she is a good vampire; how do you know!? You barely know her! Well, Beau ignores me as he wants Edythe, NOW!!

He finally goes home and then just goes on about how he wants to be near as she is just too awesome and feels no fear. That is how morons die when they decide that tiger looks like he just needs a hug.

Beau is all delighted, well as delighted as Beau could be because there is sun outside. Is he a reptile? Beau then has to comment how his father suddenly reminded him of the happy man who married his Mum but that is gone now and he is stuck in a circle of misery. No offense but how on earth would Beau know this? He doesn’t spend any time with his father, never asks to go fishing with him or do anything together. He only saw him two weeks per year so Charlie is a relative stranger. I think Beau is just talking crap.

Beau gets to school and everyone is wearing shorts and t-shirts which Beau mocks them for as this would be cold in Phoenix. Tolerance to heat is subjective! I’m sure if I lived in the desert then I would find it not hot enough in this heat in Forks but when you live in colder regions you do notice the hike in temperature. I live close to a popular seaside resort in the UK so I do find it amusing that at the first hint of warm weather the city gets completely flooded with tourists on the beach. However, we do notice it more here as it is not a country famed for its hot weather so we do feel the warmth when it finally arrives but people from warmer climates would think we are being ridiculous. However, it is obvious for Beau that he thinks this is Crab People syndrome.

“McKayla was toward me in a skirt that only reached the middle of her thighs and a tank top.”

 It’s the use of the word only that gets me. It almost seems like he is mentally shaming her for dressing proactively. To be fair, this is Beau so he probably is.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 43

“” What did you do yesterday?” There was an annoying sense of ownership in her question, and it reminded me of what Jules said on Saturday. People thought I was her boyfriend because that was what McKayla wanted them to think.”

*Deep Breath*

TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN HER IN THE SLIGHTEST!!! STOP FOOF-BAITING AND JUST TELL HER!!!! ARE YOU SO SPINELESS!!! GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*THROWS CHAIR*

*THROWS WARDROBE*

*THROWS CAR*

Also, maybe she isn’t being clingy and is actually trying to have an actual conversation with you. You are such a raging arsehole, Beau.

McKayla then asks Beau if he would like to go out for dinner. For fucks sake!!!

MCKAYLA YOU ARE GOING TO THE DANCE WITH JEREMY WHO YOU KNOW IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU!!!! IF YOU DON’T LIKE JEREMY THEN TELL HIM AND GO TO THE DANCE ALONE!!!! STOP COCK-TEASING!!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!

I swear to God; these people are arseholes.

We then get more ‘Man-Codes’ as Beau still will not tell her that he is not interested and makes it sound like he so would go out with her but that would hurt Jeremy as Jeremy is like totally crazy about her.

genie

Thank you Disney, once again. For the love of God, just tell her you are not interested. This is not difficult!! I feel a rage hernia developing.

Next up is the men folk wanting to go to Port Angeles to buy corsages for their lady friends. Maybe it is just me and my Britishness but they seem very much something reserved for weddings and prom in America. Even Google seems to suggest just prom and maybe homecoming, not just a regular dance. Seems outdated to me. Beau doesn’t want to go as Logan will be there and he is mean.

WAHHHH!!! 60

 Beau feels the need to justify his stalking by saying he wants to stare at the Cullens to analyse them like pandas in a zoo. Beau is all sad because Edythe isn’t there and he just feels his good mood slipping away. Get a life!! Please!! We fast forward the rest of the day in three sentences because Edythe isn’t there. I would love some characterisation rather than fawning over Edythe’s perfection but I am also grateful as I don’t need pages and pages of Beau’s whining about the lack of Edythe.

Beau gets home and realises he has been ignoring his mother. I thought she was your best friend? Beau types out the most soulless and short email to his ‘best friend’. Beau decides to go and read outside and because Meyer most likely has no idea about other Classical books geared towards men which means Beau grabs Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. There are so many books she could use to mix things up a bit to show actual personality. She could have used Treasure Island as Robert Louis Stevenson explicitly stated that this book was for boys only so that fits her rigid gender ideals perfectly. Maybe another less well-known Jules Verne book or HG Wells?  Maybe Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein? That is more of a man’s book or is it because it is written by a woman that it doesn’t appeal to you? Nope, we only get this book as Meyer is lazy.

I also don’t think she knows what Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea is even about as Beau just mentions that he waiting for a whale to amuse him. I have read this book and it is my least favourite Verne book as it just seems to be a running commentary of the type of fish in the sea. I appreciate it for its historical influence as this was the original Science Fiction, not aliens or what we know but originally it was just fiction with science in it. Maybe I am being harsh but because in New Moon Bella and therefore Meyer seems to completely miss the symbolism and messages in Romeo and Juliet make me very sceptical that she has even read this book.

WAHHHH!!! 61

I swear to God; this chapter is just whining! He is whining again because of Edythe and just obsessing over her existence but not about being a vampire which would at least make sense. Beau watches a sitcom with his Dad and enrages me again:

“And it felt good, despite my idiotic depression, to make him happy.”

Yes, I know that Beau finds no joy in anything but I think that is more about him being so mind numbingly dull rather depression. He is just using this word to show that he is sad and it is the OCD thing all over again. Stop trivialising depression as so many people do it which means that people who have it are not taken seriously. Depression can mean that you don’t function, get out of bed, or struggle to do anything. It does not mean sad!!! No, you are not depressed because it is Monday. You are just sad because the weekend is over and you have to work. Depression cripples you. I am so sick of people trivialising mental illness. It is shit like this that makes me feel like a total outsider. I got very upset about someone’s total ignorant comments and I sobbed as I am grieving yet I felt like I was causing issues. I felt like during my mental breakdown that I was being a nuisance. Mental illness is not a laughing matter or to be put down upon.

Beau decides to tell his Dad that he is off to Port Angeles tomorrow and would he like it if he prepared his Dad dinner before he goes.

“”Beau, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here” he reminded me.

“I don’t know how you survived,” I muttered.”

You are such a raging prick and I really do despise you. Why do you insist on making people feel beneath you? Beau is nothing special and a frankly awful human being. I went into the cooking before but seriously!!! We then skip the entire next day as Edythe isn’t there. The chapter ends with Jeremy and Beau going to pick Allen up.

That was horrendous!!! Considering barely anything happens it was still awful and infuriating. I actually hate this book more than Twilight. The next chapter is ‘Port Angeles’ and there are so many words for THAT chapter. Until next time!!!

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