Last time we had an infuriating chapter. Sadly, I cannot say that this chapter is better. It is so much worse!! We now hit the chapter where Bella is cornered by scummy rapists and Edward comes to save her. Well as this is gender-flipped Twilight so we know this chapter is probably going to be awful.

SPOILER ALERT!!

It is stupid and awful. Shocking!

We start off in the florist and Allen is apparently up-sold orchids rather than roses. Maybe Allen would prefer them? Orchids do show some originality but Beau naturally has to be an arsehole. Jeremy is hanging onto every word of the florist and he wants to make his corsage for McKayla perfect. Beau naturally shits on this and says no girl would notice.

*Seethes*

  • Just because you, Beau does not give a shit about making an effort doesn’t mean everyone should follow you.
  • Jeremy may be being conned at the florist but he is wanting to make an effort for the girl he really cares about (McKayla) and I think that is very sweet as he is crazy about her.
  • Allen decided pretty quickly as we know from Twilight so I am sure it is the same here that Allen doesn’t fancy Erica but is attending this dance with her as going alone is beyond awful as no one can go to a dance alone.
  • Allen just picked any old flower that the florist told him to get but isn’t condemned even though he doesn’t care about Erica yet Jeremy is for taking time over the flowers.

Beau can’t go more than twenty minutes without obsessing about Edythe so asks Allen. We get the same crap that whenever the weather is nice Mummy and Daddy Cullen pull the children out for camping. Doctors aren’t able to take a day off because the weather is sunny, seriously most people should know that!!! Also that would not fly with the school board as you can’t just take children out for sunny weather with the excuse of the weather. I’m sorry but does Meyer know anything about real life?! She should know by now as a mother of three teenage boys.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 24

Allen is given the approval of Beau the Mighty because as he doesn’t pry (unlike you, Beau) means he is worthy of the awesome that is Beau.

WORSHIP HIM!!!

Beau feels the need to be an arsehole again as Jeremy decides on white flowers with a white bow which according to the floristry design guru that is Beau is anticlimactic. Maybe he likes that combination and decided that’s what he thought McKayla would think best. Also maybe he thought it would go best with whatever outfit she was wearing which would show that he cares. He put far more effort into this than Allen, who is so amazing according to Beau.

Jeremy wants to go to a video game store which is a MAN THING!!! Jessica wouldn’t do that as girls don’t game. They like shoes and unicorns but now she is a man then VIDEO GAMES!! GRRRR!!! I am sorry but that screams man things from Meyer’s strange, little gendered mind.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 44

 Beau decides that he wants to leave them to it as their happiness doesn’t help him as he is in the depths of despair. GROW UP!!! I feel my rage growing with each chapter.

Beau finds a book shop that is a just a filthy hippy place. He seriously describes it like that. Apparently the store owner is a fifty (ew, old) hippy who is all dreamy as all hippies are stoned and that sort of shit. Beau decides he needs a normal bookshop. I live in the hippy capital of the UK; no one gives a shit if you walk into a “hippy” shop when that’s not what you are looking for as you just leave. Why is he so judgmental about it?! Guess what Beau? This may shock you but the human race is wonderfully diverse and as times go on we as a species become more accepting to each other. Not to you, apparently.

Beau then bitches about how Edythe wasn’t in school today and blames those unreliable vampires. I swear to God; you are a moron. Yes, it is clear that vampires in this strange little universe don’t burst into flames during the day but you are meant to be so brainy so surely you could figure out that maybe vampires can’t go into the pure sun as she is never at school on sunny days. It is really not that hard but then again you need something to whine about.

WAHHHH!!! 62

Beau then decides that he needs to describe Port Angeles to me. I like description but this pure filler so my interest level is pretty low. Anyway, we now have our ACTION!! A group of men and women are following him and they seem to be concealing something in their pockets. ZOMG!! I am so scared. The one he focuses on is a woman who has dark black hair and he recognises her but can’t place her. Beau, you can’t have dark black hair. Black is pretty much the darkest you can go; you can’t have light black hair so I feel like Meyer is just throwing in an extra word for padding or she thinks I am so stupid that I would never guess that black was dark.

Now we enter the utter stupidity of this gender swapped scene. Beau notices that they have guns as we clearly need this to be more dangerous than Bella as he is a MAN!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 45

They say:

“It’s a cop.”

Eh, why would you come to this conclusion? This is a tall, gawky, clumsy teenage boy who looks disorientated. Why would you think he is a cop? The stupid hurts me.

We then get a long paragraph of Beau explaining and describing in excruciating detail his whereabouts which seems odd for someone who is lost and is surrounded by dodgy people. If this was third person narrative, then fine but not first person as no one would think that!!

“”Hey, pig” a woman’s voice called from behind me.”

Why would you even think this!?!? He is a gawky teenager!! Sadly, the stupidity does not end:

“”Sorry?” She repeated. They were still walking toward me, and I backed away, toward the south side of the road. “Is that your favorite word or something?””

ZOMG!!! IT’S THE WOMAN FROM THE AIRPORT!!! ARGGHHH!!!

You are not subtle, Meyer. This is so beyond stupid as why would they go for him. Yes, he bumped into her but that happens to people and he is clearly not a police officer. She is clearly suffering from Meyer Induced Stupidity. Dreadful disease and sadly no cure.

“She pursed her lips – they were painted a dark, sticky red’

*Cough* WHORE *Cough*

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 46

Screw you Beau!! I love my red lipstick and I shall wear it with pride, just because your precious Edythe is too perfect for makeup doesn’t mean you can judge others. Also, he has noticed two big guys with guns and all he focuses on is her icky lipstick and then remembers her as icky lipstick lady from the airport. I love how I figured this out first, probably because I have a functioning brain stem. You are in a dangerous situation so surely you would be focusing on the guy with a gun rather than her lips. I guess, any time is a good time for sexism and lady shaming.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 47 

One of the guys has tattoos on his neck which means he is bad, yo!

We then have some more stupid talk of how Beau is clearly a policeman. Then the bad men point the gun at him because they are gangsta, yo!

You think I’m stupid?” the woman asked. “You think your plainclothes getup fools me? I saw you with your cop partner, Vice.” 

Yes, I do think you are stupid!! He is a gawky teenage boy who is clearly not a police officer especially as you have to specialize to go into certain departments and not just on a whim for the day. You cannot tell me that Beau looks late 20’s, I just don’t believe it, considering the emphasis of youth in these awful novels. Remember how Alice said women only get paranoid about their age when they almost hit thirty as that makes them haggard crones. Considering this evidence, then I doubt Beau looks the age to specialize in Vice.

Sadly, none of the cast are listening to me as the icky red lipped woman calls him a pig, again. Also, considering Washington State has the death penalty and most states who have this law are extremely strict when it comes to the death of a law enforcement officer which basically means that the murder of a police officer almost guarantees you the death penalty. There have been cases in Texas where it has been an accidental death such as a hit and run which is not first degree murder as it was not planned, these people still get executed. You would think that these people may be more cautious about blatant murder of what they believe is a cop because if they are caught then they will be on death row. Not if but will. Sadly, logic once again is for losers! I know that many will murder police officers but surely when you are, as I get the impression, a well-known gang in a small town then you would not just murder someone you think may be a police officer as you will get the death penalty, no exceptions.

They then go on about how they think he is lying and the big bad, which is the red-lipped lady says this oh so gangster line:

”How’s that pirate song go? Dead men tell no tales.”

Well, no they don’t so fair point. Yet, you are meant to be a hardcore gangster who doesn’t care about the threat of the death penalty but threatens with sea shanties. That is hardly a hardcore criminal. Meyer is showing how sheltered she is. I very much doubt people who are happily ready to murder a would be police officer for the sake of it would spout pirate talk. I literally can’t stop thinking of this:

“HULA WOKA HULA WOKA SOMETHING NOT RIGHT”

Preach it, singing stone heads!

Do you know, with the combination of Muppets Treasure Island and with the constant description of red lips and black hair then I am just going to imagine that this is our ‘villain’:

Dr._Frank-N-Furter_smirking_evilly.png

I like to think that our favourite sweet transvestite has imbedded himself into this cannon to try and get rid of the Menace that is Beau. Get him, Dr. Frank N. Furter!!

I know Meyer doesn’t like to use swear words but you need it here for realism. I am not sensing that these are hardcore criminals as they don’t swear and like to quote pirates. It sounds extremely childish and non-threatening. She did this in The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. They were meant to be street kids from gangs, abusive backgrounds and the slums. They would not call Spiderman a ‘whiny loser’ but would swear and call him a ‘pussy’. She should have had a silent and threatening force attempting to jump him rather than this drawn out pirate talk as my sense of realism has completely died in a drain. Harry Potter is a children’s and young adult series but even JK Rowling knew that in the final battle when Molly Weasley went up against Bellatrix, after Bellatrix tried to murder her daughter, knew that non-swear word insults would not give the scene any climax and emotion. Observe:

NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!!”

Now imagine if it was this:

“NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU SCOUNGREL!!”

 It just does not work or give the moment any gravity especially as a fight to the death as both were aiming to kill. This is the same for this scene which is attempted murder, the amount of talking and lack of swearing come across as childish. If Meyer doesn’t feel comfortable with that then don’t write scenes that would need that type of language.

Beau decides to throw them his wallet. I feel no fear as I know what will happen. We then get some more stupidity in this nonsense:

“”We need to keep this quiet,” the short one cautioned, and he bent to grab a broken piece of pipe from the gutter. “Put the gun away.””

headdesk

Oh sweet Jesus, what on earth is that!?! Right I am going to talk about gory stuff now so if that makes you squeamish then skip this and start reading again after the kitten picture.

This gangster is probably more stupid than pirate lady! If you want to keep it quiet, then grab him and put a jumper over the nozzle and put it up against his head and shoot! It will work as a DIY silencer. That is effort though, especially for Meyer characters who are very lazy, however a gun shot through the head is loud BUT is very quick as he will be dead in seconds if you go through the brain. Yes, it will be loud but it so quick that you can quickly leave, better get that bullet though as you can be traced via that and then you are on a one-way ticket to the death chamber.

Then we have the pipe, which I’m assuming is metal as if it is plastic then you are going to be there for a long time. Also these people had better get their aim correct on the first time as a metal pipe smashing into someone’s skull is going to make a very loud crack as this may be shocking but your skull is extremely hard as it protecting one of the most important and fragile organs in the human body. Your brain is just pink squish and needs serious protection. It is also very difficult to hit someone and kill them on the first attempt, especially if that person is struggling which in this situation they would be fighting for their lives and not idly sitting there while you smash their skull in.

The most likely scenario is that it is going to take several hits with a pipe, which along with the victims screams of a pain and for help with the loud cracks of breaking open a skull are going to attract attention. Maybe they decide to toy with him, well a pipe to the legs or arms will result in loud cracks as the bones break. A leg bone snapping can sound like a gun shot. This is the same for the ribs if you go for the torso and he will scream! So you are wasting time beating him to death and likely spreading a fuck ton of forensic evidence on you as guess what? Blood splatters when hit by force, you are risking more body matter on you as unlike a gun where you can shoot to kill at a distance, with a pipe you need to get close so therefore you will most likely get skull, brain tissue and blood on you and the others holding him down. Oh, but say no one was holding him down? Well then we go back to before where you would very unlikely get a clean and quick kill as the victim will struggle and fight so therefore you are drawing it out for someone to find you.

The position of the victim would be very important too as I am getting the impression that this guy just wants to smack Beau on the front of the head and be done with it. That would fail as it is unlikely he would die with one blow as your skull is thickest at the front to protect you if you fall over. He would have to keep whacking him until the skull broke and hey you get forensic evidence on you! The back of your skull is your weakest point which is why they warn back seat passengers to wear seat belts as a sudden stop could result in them bashing the front of the skull into the person in the front of them in the back of the skull resulting in instant death. Try getting someone scared, running off of adrenaline and fearful of their lives turning their back on you. Most murderers use a blunt object when they want to kill their victim unawares as the back of the skull is a sure fire way of killing them quickly. The front just ends up long, loud and messy thus making your genius idea of making it quiet, stupid.

Also shooting is one thing but you think this a cop, so therefore how do you think the local police are going to react if one of their own was not just cleanly shot and murdered but brutally and sadistically murdered to the point that their face looks like minced beef and their brains have been viciously spread across an alley. Yeah, they would not stop until they found you and you all sound so stupid that you have probably spread a ton of forensic evidence all over the place! All murder is sadistic but killing Beau with a pipe is beyond sadistic as it would be drawn out. The police will throw everything into finding you and you will find yourself in court with the sentence of death.

So in conclusion, this is so stupid that it hurts me as Meyer is trying to make this more dramatic and intense than she did with Bella. She failed as Meyer is so sheltered that she can’t write a gritty and realistic attempted murder scene.

I am so pouring more wine as MY GOD!!!

Kittens

Kittens make everything better. Damn, the next section means I need more kittens as Beau decides that he has to obsess over being clumsy. I am pretty sure that your survival instincts and adrenaline surge would prevent the clumsy unless your body wants you to die as much as Taylor’s van did by trying to jump on you.

Beau then wonders if a non-fatal bullet would hurt. Well, I have never been shot but yes Beau I think a bullet slamming into your body at a high speed would hurt. He then wonders if he could run through the pain, well most likely yes, as the survival instinct is very strong and adrenaline works as a great temporary pain killer as it is there to get you out alive and then the shock and pain takes over.

I love how Beau is discussing at length of ways to run while a pirate comes over to him with a pipe and he just stares.

RUN!! YOU GODDAMN MORON!!!

Well, no need now as Edythe comes to the rescue. I should be happy that Beau is saved from being brutally murdered but I just can’t muster up the enthusiasm. Beau’s first thought is what if she gets hurt. You know she is an undead abomination with super strength, I think she will be just fine. Funny how Bella never says this about Edward. Edythe is a lady and needs protecting as she is feeble!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 48

Also, how big is this alley if a car can drive in? Not even careful driving but fast and furious driving. If it was a wide open space, then surely there would be people around as it is hardly the middle of the night as it’s rush hour and surely there would be CCTV if it’s an open space?

THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!

*Sobs*

Beau tells Edythe to drive and pauses in his traumatic experience to tell us that Edythe’s arm is slim. Thank you Beau, we needed to know that at this time. They sit in the car for some strange reason and Beau worries that they could shoot at any moment. I really don’t care Beau as this is stupid.

I am going to call it a day with this post as this chapter is pretty long and I have talked a lot already. So I am going to split this post up into two and now seems the best time as Beau has been rescued so in the next post we can focus on their, errm…. ‘date’. Thrilling stuff. I am sure you can’t wait! Until next time, dear readers!

jafar

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s