After a lengthy break, I am back with this awful mess of a book. So last time in our story Beau was almost murdered by the stupidest pirate/gangsters known to man and Edythe saved him which makes me sad. I wish I had a Drama Llama count as that section would have hit 1,000,000 points as it was so melodramatic. So this week will see Beau forgetting his traumatic encounter in about thirty seconds as ZOMG!! HE HAS A DATE WITH EDYTHE GODDESS CULLEN!!!111!!1!!
So Beau and Edythe are sitting in the car after his epic escape from death! Beau is proving himself as much a doormat as Bella as he thinks Edythe is mad at him. Oh I don’t know Beau; it may be because you were almost clubbed to death by dumb arse pirates! He calms her down by holding her hand as she wants to go and murder those pirates as they threatened her precious Beau. Nothing says love like revenge fuelled murder.
Oh, he has to tell us how silky smooth her arm is as we really needed to know that. I am so quoting the next section as it is stupid and made me want to vomit:
“Slowly, the tension in her face started to relax until it was smooth and blank as a statue. A beautiful statue, carved by an artistic genius. Aphrodite, maybe. Was that the one who was supposed to be the goddess of beauty?”
- Aphrodite is mainly known for being the Greek Goddess of Love with the added bonus of being stunningly beautiful. However, most of the Greek Goddesses are described as being beautiful. Know your Classics!
- I really don’t think a seventeen-year-old boy with raging hormones would describe a woman as a statue of Aphrodite carved by an artistic genius. He would be focusing on a modern source of beauty; I would even take descriptions of 1950s starlets like Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe at a push. He will happily describe The Rock but yet resorts to Classical Mythology for Edythe? It just sounds very off to me. American Pie is an awful film but shows what horny little buggers teenage boys can be. Even that is more realistic then this nonsense and that film is horrendous.
- GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE CUCUMBER, MEYER!?! It could not be more obvious that you are pausing a ‘dramatic’ situation to wank over your self-insert Edythe. It’s gross!!
We then get Beau sniffing the air like a dog so he can huff Edythe. I hate this book. He then feels sad as she thinks it’s best if they don’t hold hands right now. Edythe then decides that she is The Godfather:
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to forgive easily when someone…offends me.”
I think Dr. Frank N. Furter is going to wake up with a horse’s head in her bed tomorrow. Once again, this just sounds off. That sounds like a person from a Sicilian Mafia background in the 1940s, not an Edwardian and Middle Class woman.
Beau proceeds to be a dumb arse by thinking he offended her. She tells him that of course not. Well, I am offended! I wanted you to die by gangster/pirate. Edythe explains to him that Long Jane Silver was planning on murdering him. Thankfully he did figure this out too, considering they were considerate enough to explain their plans to him.
She then goes on about how nobody is murdered in Port Angeles and he is just so unlucky/special to have almost been murdered. Well, Port Angeles is a safe town but murders do occur, looks about one a year since 2010 but there are also other violent crimes that have been reported. Edythe is making it sound like Beau almost ruined Utopia.
Edythe asks Beau again if she can go back to rip their heads off and dance on their corpses but he says no. It’s funny as Edward never asked Bella for permission and just ignored her. It seems odd that now Edward is Edythe, then this big strong vampire still needs a MAN to give her permission to rip people’s heads off.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 49
Next up is Beau being a total moron by wondering how could this puny woman go back and tackle those pirates and how would she get there when they had driven miles away.
Normally, I would say that this would be a logical thought process except that Beau was already eager to accept she was a vampire and would not be dissuaded away from seeing Edythe travel at the speed of light when the Van of Death came hurtling at him and that she crushed it. It just seems like Meyer wants to ramp up the whole: WHAT COULD SHE BE!?!
Well I know she is a vampire so this is just getting on my nerves. Then he decides to think of vampires so I stand by that he is a moron as he clearly forget when he was fondling her smooth yet slim arm.
We then get Edythe defying the laws of physics by parking in a space too small for her car in one simple move. Vampires are better than you! Beau feels the need to be surprised that a woman’s voice sounds menacing. Pah! As if a chick could sound be threatening. They sound like delicate little mouse squeaks.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 50
Now we have Jeremy and Allen being shocked, amazed, dazzled and awestruck that Beau could be with THE Edythe Cullen. Like, wow, man. I also think they both got automatic boners judging by their reactions. They ask her if she would like to come to the cinema but they have trouble saying her name as it’s Edythe Cullen yo!
The next bit sounds painful and maybe a new vampire power:
“She leaned on the frame and threw her dimples at them.”
I guess vampire can throw random body features at them. Squash it in the dirt, Jeremy! She says that she has already seen the film even though no one said what the film actually was but the blood has drained from their brains into their erections so that they can’t speak.
“She smiled directly at Jeremy now. “Will it ruin your night if I make Beau take me to dinner?”
- If you reverse the genders, then that sounds weirdly rapey. Just another double standard in this world as it is clearly OK here. I wonder why that is:
- As if a woman could take a man out! That is just crazy talk. Next they will want the vote or something as stupid as that.
- Why can’t she just say that she and Beau would like to go for dinner and would they mind. Is that so hard?
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 51
I know it’s for different reasons but Jeremy sums up my thoughts to this nonsense and it seems a shame not to quote him:
They next spend too long discussing whether they want to eat and then they decide to go to an Italian restaurant. Beau decides that this is a real date. I am not sure why but Beau then needs to bitch about those human toads he was forced to go on group dates with and never wanted to see them again. I am almost certain that those girls felt the same after having to spend time with you.
Beau decides to be a judgemental prick by insulting the server and saying that he is goofy and smarmy and for some strange reason bows to Edythe. I am almost convinced that Beau is just imagining that the waiter is ignoring him as waiters usually rely on tips to supplement their wages. Now as much as I don’t like to say it, I have to as it is common that men generally pay for meals if it looks like a date as it is seen by many as common courtesy. So if we go by these standards then the waiter is a moron as he should assume that Beau as the MAN would most likely be paying and therefore the one who decides what to tip. I still think that Beau is making this up though as he loves to look like the victim.
Edythe decides to look like a noveau-riche arse by slipping the waiter money for a different table. Servers generally don’t care if you want a different table. This is just to show us how rich and therefore awesome Edythe is.
Now in Twilight we just have the servers batting their lady eyelashes to show Edward their attraction but now that Meyer is Edythe, we need something more dramatic and by that I mean stupid. Observe:
“Something thudded a couple of times on the other side of the partition, like the sound of someone tripping over his own feet and then recovering,”
What the ever loving hell is that!?! Am I meant to believe that Edythe is just so dazzling and beautiful that every man becomes a pathetic mess that can’t speak because the blood from their brain has drained to their penis but now the blood from their legs have drained to their penis. This is far worse than Twilight which is really saying something.
Now we have the infamous DAZZLING section. Erm.. yay?
“”That wasn’t very nice.”
She stared at me, surprised. “What do you mean?”
“Whatever that thing you do is – with the dimples and the hypnotizing or whatever. That guy could hurt himself trying to get back to the door.”
She half-smiled. “I do a thing?”
“Like you don’t know the effect you have on people.”
“I suppose I can think of a few effects…” Her expression went dark for a tiny second, but then it cleared and she smiled. “But no one’s ever accused me of hypnotism by dimples before.””
WHERE IS MY GODDAMN DAZZLING!?!
I actually feel sad, even though the conversation in the original was stupid yet the dazzling made me giggle. This is just lame and dull. I am sad as I actually want my dazzling.
We then get more wanking from Meyer as the waiter is awestruck that such a beautiful and DAZZLING angel could walk this earth among us. I want to puke again. Sadly, it gets worse after they order their Cokes:
“He actually wobbled, like he was going to keel over.”
This is just beyond disgusting now. People don’t act like this in front of people they find attractive. Also I am so sick and tired of how all of us humans must find Edythe so attractive while completely disregarding personal taste. Also due to the Guide we are informed that vampires are:
- Bleached white (corpse white), if you were a person of any sort of colour then you may have a slight olive tone. This means everyone in this mess is attracted to the whitest of white. I think we all see a glaring issue there. Seems like blatant racism to me.
- All featuring marks on the skin are gone such as tattoos, freckles and scars. Yes, some people may like the no scars as they usually indicate an accident, illness or self-harm but also they do show what we have been through in our lives. Tattoos are self-expression and art, there are many people who find them extremely attractive. Then we have freckles, once again many people love freckles. These are all marks that make a person unique. These just sound like those creepy sex dolls that have no blemishes.
- They are described as having angular features. Once again this is purely personal taste and not what every person ever finds attractive. Stop it!
- Now, there is no description in the guide about what the venom does to body fat but most vampires are described in model thin terms. The only one who isn’t is Siobhan but she is described as very tall and burly (heavily implying muscle not fat). So there are no vampires who are plus sized and what doesn’t help is Meyer stating in the guide that vampires only really change humans when they are beautiful *cough* Bella *cough*. So that sounds like that plus size is not beautiful, only slim or in the case of men then it is still slim with the exception of Emmett and Felix who are huge and muscly.
So therefore according to Meyer the most attractive combination for someone is that they are white, slim, unblemished and angular.
I am going to run away from that as fast possible as that is so beyond racist, sizest and god knows what else but it can’t be good.
So they decide to conduct awkward small talk and we get this:
““Shall we talk about what happened tonight?”
“Your near-death experience? Or did you already forget?”
“Oh.” Actually, I had.”
You are a Goddamn MORON!!! I know it is meant to be that he is so DAZZLED by Edythe that he forgot but that just made him look so mind numbingly stupid that I want to lie down.
Beau decides to squee like a chipmunk because he is so happy as he gets to stare at Edythe. We get the same crap of Beau not going into shock because he is so special and unique but it is clearly because he has the biggest hard on for Edythe and that’s all he can think of.
Beau orders the mushroom ravioli and Edythe offers him her drink. Meyer felt like we as readers are too stupid to realise that Edythe is a vampire even though we know what Twilight was about so she felt the need to add this:
“I’m not going to drink it.’ She said, and her tone added the duh.”
For the love of God, we have six pages left!! I need food.
Well, I had a bowl of nachos so I am very happy. Oh, wait I’m not as I’m recapping this. Beau decides to tell us in excruciating detail in what Edythe is wearing. I can sum it up quite easily: beige. I am thrilled.
Now instead of a jacket that Edward gives to Bella to keep her warm, well Edythe gives Beau a scarf but don’t you dare for one second think that it is a lady scarf! Beau is a man and can’t wear lady things, even if it is just a scarf and that would make him this:
(Strangely enough, I couldn’t find the film version of this song in full but the actor in the London stage was fantastic!)
Can’t have that! Luckily the scarf is Archie’s so that means Beau’s manhood stays intact. Phew! Beau puts the damn scarf on and goes on about how awesome it is.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 52
We get a brief interlude from Edythe telling us that Archie has fabulous taste. We then get the conversation of how amazing it is that Beau hasn’t gone into shock after some pirates wanted to stove his brains in with a pipe. No, it’s not amazing. Beau is just determined to compete in the Darwin Awards.
We get the same crap of them being awkward and Edythe asks him if he has made any progress on any new theories. Well someone outright told him if that counts? Also Meyer felt the need to pad the word count even more by talking about how the red is creeping up his neck. Just say blushing. PLEASE!!
I’m summing up a few pages as it is the same nonsense as before. He wants to know why she was in Port Angeles; she was stalking protecting stalking him. She then goes on about how tough it is keeping him alive and Beau says it is like the Final Destination films. Well, Meyer clearly knows bugger all about those films as the whole point of them is that you may be able to cheat death but you can’t escape death. When your number is up then death will find you. Beau is special though and can escape death.
We then get the same nonsense of Edythe saying his number was up when they met and that makes Beau sad as she is fit!
Number One Darwin Award Winner goes to Beaufort Swan.
We then have Edythe saying she reads minds as she has to save Beau as he is special. Edythe then says that’s why she wanted to have dinner with him because if not then her HellBitch tendencies would be unleashed and she would rip off their heads. She needed the calming influence of her man to lessen her rage. Funny how Edward doesn’t say that, he just wanted to feed Bella before she fainted in his arms from womanly shock.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 53
They then decide to leave and Beau gets out his wallet but Edythe says that it’s her treat! OMG!!! Women don’t pay for stuff, what is this hippy nonsense? Well Meyer writes one of the funniest lines ever:
“Try not to get caught up in antiquated gender roles.”
These books are so beyond sexist that that line cracked me up.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 54 (On Principal)
Edythe then looks pissed that he opened the door for her as she is a strong and independent woman! Yeah right.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 55
Edythe now gives Beau permission to ask her some questions. Thankfully that is the end of this chapter.
Next time is Beau and Edythe discussing vampirism and how shocking it is that Edythe is one. Thankfully most of it is copy and pasted from Twilight so shouldn’t take so long.