Last time we saw Beau and Edythe having a ‘date’ and it was dull as dirt and gross as it was filled with Meyer fapping over Edythe. I needed a bleach bath after that. Now is time for them to drive home and copy and pasted talking. Thrilling!

Edythe starts by being a patronising snot and getting annoyed that Beau wants her to clarify something for him. He wants to know how she found him and she replies that she followed his scent. Beau asks more about the whole mind reading ability which seems fair to me as I would want to know more. Sadly, there is nothing really new to comment on as it is just the same old conversation of how Edythe can hear someone’s mind better when she is tuned to them but she mostly ignores it. It’s boring in all honesty as at least the new stuff is so stupid that I can easily comment on it but this is just copy and pasting.

We get the same nonsense of wondering why Edythe can’t read Beau’s mind and he thinks he is a freak. Oh don’t worry Beau, you are just a special little snowflake that is just too awesome for humanity.

““Holy crow!” I shouted.”

I put that quote there as even though it is in the original text it still sounded odd coming from a modern teenager. I’m not saying he should swear but that phrase sounds very old fashioned. Considering the majority of the changes were words that she didn’t like then I am surprised this stayed.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 24

We get the exact same nonsense of Edythe driving really fast as physics doesn’t affect vampires. She is so awesome that she isn’t affected by pleb things like black ice.

“Her skin was so soft – not that it had any give at all, no, but soft like me.”

Her skin can’t be soft as she is a rock. Blankets are soft!

Once again, this is all just copy and pasted which is boring. We get a few new inserts but all they are is just how radiant and beautiful the Goddess Edythe is while he tries to tell her that he knows she is a vampire. Beau, like Bella still drops the Quileutes in the shit by telling Edythe that they told him. That’s great Beau, tell their enemies that they squealed after you promised not to say anything. I’m sure that will go over really well. Oh wait! We know how Edward reacted in Midnight Sun so I am sure Edythe is the same:

“I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead…”

Well isn’t that just lovely! I am sure we can all root for a protagonist who condones and will happily commit genocide. Why am I supposed to like these horrible people?!

They then pad the word count by refusing to use the word vampire. I am honestly convinced that Meyer has stolen the next quote from the awesome that is Harry Potter:

“Sometimes I think not saying it makes it more powerful.”

I think we know what I mean when that reminds me of Harry Potter:

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”
Harry Potter and the Philosphers Stone

This is a constant issue in the Harry Potter series where all the wizards and witches are terrified of using Voldemort’s name. It created fear and mystique to his persona which is why Dumbledore encouraged others to say his name. Well, both Voldemort and Edythe are genocidal maniacs so they do fit together in that category. I don’t know but it just seems like this copying from something far better than this rag.

Beau finally says the word ‘vampire’ in his dramatic ways to increase tension. It failed. Beau then says he did some research on vampires, not really as you looked at one dodgy website. That’s like Ana Steele going on about all the research she did on BDSM which consisted of one whole Wikipedia page.

Beau then says it doesn’t matter because he is stupid and Edythe becomes a “shrill” harpy. Women get all shrill when angry, probably on their periods or something.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 56

She screeches about how she is a monster and yes Edythe, you are, in many ways. Beau then decides to stroke her hand and she asks what he is thinking. Beau, our inquisitive and intelligent protagonist who has had confirmation that vampires are real says this:

“Um…nothing, really.”

Wow! I really don’t know what to say. That is just so beyond ridiculous and stupid. Surely your mind would be whirring away with what you found out but Beau is just sitting there like this:

homershead2

We then get the same conversation of Beau asking Edythe how old she is and she says seventeen. Like I said, it’s the exact same conversation. However, we do get something new:

“Her world was where I wanted to be.”

Woah Boy! That was bloody quick! At least Bella waited until after James mauled her to decide she wanted to give everything up to become a sparkly and rich vampire. This is almost makes Bella look more sensible with her vampire decisions. Bella barely knew Edward but Jesus Tap Dancing Christ she at least spent some time with him before deciding. This! What is this! You have literally just had it confirmed that she is a blood sucking vampire, you don’t even know yet that she doesn’t murder innocent people for food as she could have lied to the tribe but you now want to be a vampire. My God!! You don’t know anything as she said most of the myths were wrong but hasn’t answered any other questions. We haven’t even had your stupid declaration of love yet or meadow frolicking. This is so beyond stupid and my brain hurts. He is more stupid than Bella!!

Next is the same copy and pasted nonsense of them going through each myth like the very modern concept of burning in the sun. Beau is just as brain dead as Bella as he didn’t even think about the vampire diet. Really?! How stupid are you!? That’s the biggest aspect of vampires you brain dead moron!!

She confirms what Jules said about them not eating people but she admits they make some mistakes. Me eating a pack of doughnuts on a diet is a mistake, murdering people for food is not the same. Edythe says that it is a dangerous mistake for Beau to be in her car. Beau is terrified of this but not because he is sane and thinks she could murder him but because she might leave him. Oh noes!

We get the same nonsense of Beau asking why they only eat animals. Oh, I don’t know Beau! Maybe because murder is wrong? Edythe says that she doesn’t want to be a monster, well you are but at least you are pretending to care about human life.

Beau then goes on about how she isn’t hungry now due to her eyes being petrol gauges. They then discuss her strength and I can hear Meyer fapping again:

spider man2

We then get Edythe going on about how she was terrified that her little button may have got hurt at the beach. Seems very childlike to me and therefore creepy. We then get the hint of future sparkling and Beau telling Edythe how terrified he was that his little snooky-pie may have left him when she didn’t attend school on Monday.

Edythe then says that all of this is wrong and she will probably end up murdering him. Still won’t stop you sneaking into his bedroom and staring at him like a creepy little stalker. Beau says that he doesn’t care which makes Edythe tell him that he is stupid. Yes, he really is as he doesn’t seem to care that she might outright murder him. He sounds like those people who get engaged to murderers on death row thinking their love will change them. Sadly, this would most likely end badly with that person buried in the basement. I am so sick of this trope of fixing the bad boy/girl with love as it just doesn’t work. I discussed this at length in my analysis of Christian Grey:

https://literaturemasochist.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/christian-grey-its-not-stalking-if-he-is-handsome-rolls-eyes/?frame-nonce=793bb554f0

Beau decides to inform us that his neck has lots of crimson blotches (he really says that). The padded blushing descriptions are really getting on my nerves. Beau asks if he will see her tomorrow and she asks if he wants to see her. His reply is, well:

“”More than anything else I’ve ever wanted.” It was pathetic how obviously true the words were. So much for playing hard to get.”

1. Yes, you are pathetic! You have had at most four brief conversations with her that left you irritated.
2. You sound like a whiney twelve-year-old.
3. When did you ever play hard to get? You have been drooling over her like a moron since you met.

They arrive back at Charlie’s house and Beau asks if she can save him a seat for lunch. It is really puke worthy as they sound about five years old. He then proceeds to stare at her face while repeating the same nonsense about how her ever ending beauty and how it is just too painful to look at but yet he can’t stop. I can imagine him sailing straight into the rocks of the Sirens because they are just so pretty.

Edythe then spazzes out all of a sudden over Beau’s blood even though she has been fine for the entire chapter. He begs to know what he can do to help her not murder him and she just says not to go into the woods alone. Well, that is helpful. Beau is shocked to know what she knew he wandered around in the woods.

SHE IS STALKING YOU!!

It’s really not difficult to figure out. They say their goodbyes while Beau huffs her breath like superglue. She finally leaves him at the door and Beau goes in to have some sort of interaction with his father. Charlie asks why he is back so soon and Beau just shrugs. Charlie says the scarf he is wearing looks goofy. Men do wear scarfs, I knitted my person a lovely scarf that he wears every winter. I was chuffed to hear that loads of his co-workers (men) liked it too and wanted me to make scarves for them. So this is just stupid.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 57

Beau decides to go to bed and decides that we are so stupid that we must have forgotten what has happened in the last chapter and decides to recap for us. Beau then feels the need to huff the scarf as he is a very strange creature.

We are about to end this chapter and it is pretty infamous due to the stupidity of the words. If you need reminding, then this is how the chapter ends in Twilight:

“My mind still swirled dizzily, full of images I couldn’t understand, and some I fought to repress. Nothing seemed clear at first, but as I fell gradually closer to unconsciousness, a few certainties became evident.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Now we have this:

“There were a few things I knew for sure. For one, Edythe was an actual vampire. For another, there was part of her that saw me as food. But in the end, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that I loved her, more than I’d ever imagined it was possible to love anything. She was everything I wanted, the only thing I would ever want.”

Wow! I am going to have to tackle this in bullet points:

• The first two points sounded far more natural for a teenager then Bella’s ever did. It didn’t sound as formal and bloated.
• My God! At least Bella’s declaration while stupid was at least short.
• More than you could possibly love anything? That annoys me as we know that their love will be like Bella and Edward which is a love better than you will ever have. How about the love of a child, friend or parent? These books only seem to focus on romantic love and that is the best love. Renesmee doesn’t count as Bella treated her like a show dog to make herself look better.
• How on earth do you love her? You have barely interacted? This is still ridiculous and annoys me. She has been nothing but rude and patronizing to you but now you love her above anything else, even your own parents.
• You are seventeen!! How on earth do you know that she is the only thing that you would ever want.
• I believe it’s because she is a vampire and therefore your ticket to beauty, riches and immortality but wants to convince himself that he isn’t shallow but loves her for who she is even though he knows nothing about her. Just as shallow as Bella.

Thankfully that is the end of the chapter! At least we have left the realms of WHAT COULD SHE BE?! Yes, we get to see him go on about how their love is better than yours but at least we have got away from the previous nonsense.

Next time is Chapter 10 which is just them talking to each other some more. Exciting stuff!

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