It’s been a while since I last posted due to many reasons. I’ve been on holiday to Madrid and have been gardening with the added bonus of friend drama. We all love that, don’t we? Blergh, well enough excuses, it is time to crack on with this mess as we are almost half way through! Oh, that is another excuse as I realised that I had only red penned up to this chapter so I’ve read a few more chapters and noted horrifying things for your joy. Enough excuses! Let’s get on with more filler! Ermm…… yay?

We left off with Beau declaring his Twu Luv for Edythe and I may have died. Now Beau has woken up and he is trying to remember how amazing it was when Edythe professed her desire to murder him. He then feels the need to fondle Archie’s scarf because Edythe wore it once. Beau is really creeping me out. I can see him camping outside the Cullen house and wanking in a bush while watching them. Is that sexist? No, as I could see Bella doing the same thing.

Beau then blathers on about how he ate a granola quickly and how he is clearly going to get wet from the rain as he left his coat in Jeremy’s car. This is awful foreshadowing as I know Edythe will be waiting but even if she wasn’t then it shouldn’t matter as Beau has his own car. However, due to this being awful foreshadowing than that means that only the Volvo of Love can save him from the Rain of Doom because of love and stuff. I don’t know anymore!!

ZOMG!!! THE EDYTHE CULLEN IS LIKE SO TOTALLY THERE LIKE WAITING FOR BEAU!! ZOMG!!!

Wow! She said she would be there but Beau decides to tell us that he may be developing aortic issues. I think Meyer may have learnt some fancy medical jargon. Also by mentioning aortic issue means nothing, is it an aneurysm or a blockage? What is it?!?! I just think that Meyer wanted a fancy word for heart but doesn’t realise that it is the main artery of the heart so therefore this sentence just sounds stupid. My Mum who is a nurse thinks it is utterly stupid as this could range from terminal to something that could be cured with medical intervention. No one would sit there and say “Ooh! Aortic issue!”. Make the stupid go away!!!

Apparently Edythe is laughing at his heart attack face, yes, he really says that. I have no idea what a heart attack face is and neither does my Mum. Beau gets in the car and Edythe gives Beau a jacket that is Royal’s jacket as that is a man jacket!! I’m sorry but there is issue here as I get Edythe is too slim to lend Beau a jacket but Edward could have done that too as he lived with three women. Why couldn’t he have given Bella Alice’s jacket or Rosalie’s? I think it’s a case of the man can give a jacket but not a perfect woman as they are too feminine and slim.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 58

Beau then decides to tell us that he has a hard time being afraid of Edythe as she is a woman so is frail and womanly but he could be afraid of Royal as he is all manly and stuff. Beau, sweetie, YOU ARE A GODDAMN MISOGYNISTIC MORON!!! You know she is a vampire with super strength who could snap you in half and drink you!! Is it because she is a woman?

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 59

Beau then does some nice PG Victorian wanking by talking about her slender throat and fancy collarbone. Wow, this is so hot. *Rolls Eyes* Also Edythe speaks in a way that doesn’t scream Edwardian Middle Class:

“Make a cross with your fingers, throw holy water, run away screaming, that sort of thing.”

I would not be bitching if the guide wasn’t released but it was and that says that vampires stay in their mind frame and are affected by the era they were changed. This sounds very modern for an Edwardian lady.

Edythe really wants him to be terrified, maybe just bite him? Then again he would just come running back, so whatever. He then asks where her family are and Edythe points to a ridiculous convertible and makes the utterly stupid comment of how they try to blend in. I feel like I need a bullet list:

• The vampires do nothing but show contempt and ignore anyone around them.
• They wear nothing but designer clothes in a poor town which draws attention.
• They drive very expensive cars to dazzle the peasants.
• They buy lots of food and then not eat a bite but then throw it away in front of everyone. By a thermos and pretend to sip!!! It’s not hard.

How is any of that blending in? Meyer had to dumb down humanity to make this work and therefore make Beau/Bella special for noticing. Beau says what we are all thinking and says they are failing. Yes, they seriously are.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 25

“If you’re looking for privacy, there are plenty of used Hondas available.”

Not bad, as that is very true and I like the addition but this seems to be one of the many instances where Meyer lampshades how stupid her cannon is. Edythe has to be a dick and say how they like to drive fast and endanger people’s lives.

They find Jeremy in the school parking lot and Edythe feels the need to do her boner smile at Jeremy for reasons. Jeremy runs off as his Edythe boner is taking too much blood away from his brain.

Edythe decides to do an Edward and ask Beau/Bella what they are going to say to that pesky little gossip. Edythe says that it isn’t ethical for her to say what he is thinking. She says with a mischievous smile that Jeremy wants to know what base he got too.

BUZZ!!

WRONG!!!

Make some Goddamn effort into your historical characters, Meyer.

Meyer has outright stated in the guide that vampire minds do not change from the time they are changed. I have said this time and time again but this is the time it really sticks out. Edythe is an Edwardian woman changed into a vampire in 1918. She is also the only child of a middle class and very rich family. Her virginity would have been very important to her to make an appropriate match fit for her class status and to secure her future as due to inheritance laws she would receive nothing. Yes, the Flapper movement and sexual promiscuity was rising before the Spanish Flu epidemic but if we take Edward’s morals in account as Edythe is Edward then we can establish that Edythe takes virginity, especially female virginity very seriously. Edward established in Eclipse that he would not tarnish Bella’s soul by sexing her up before marriage as he wanted her to get into Heaven (forgetting how many commandants she broke). If Edward believed this, then it is pretty certain that Edythe has the exact same values but for herself. She would believe that her virginity has the upmost importance and would therefore not laugh about what base Beau got with her. She would be appalled and embarrassed that something that vulgar could even be thought about her. She would panicky as that was something that could ruin a woman in the Edwardian middle class as that could destroy a match. Let’s look at Downton Abbey, Lady Mary was distraught at the very thought that anyone would find out that she had sex with the Turkish Diplomat as that would destroy her reputation and make her unfit for a respectable marriage. Edythe would feel the same as her only ticket in life was a good name and marriage to someone of worth but if that person knew she was even rumoured to have had oral, hand gratification or full on sexual intercourse then she would be ruined. So therefore, Edythe would not laugh merrily that someone would think this but would be horrified and scared.

I have no issue with a woman owning her sexuality but it just doesn’t work here due to historical context. Sadly, Meyer is allergic to research so would have no idea.

We then have Beau taking the longest ever description of blushing to extremes. I am so slamming this with a sexism point and I will slam him one every time we get this as this is just stupid now. MEN BLUSH!!!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 60

Edythe doesn’t give a shit that her Edwardian Lady Honour is in the dregs and just walks off cockily when Beau asks her what he should do. She just laughs at him and says that she can’t wait to hear what he comes up with.

She is an Edwardian woman who would never say that! Research is your friend, you goddamn hack!!!!

We then get a wonderful description of her tiny and dainty hand brushing away his man hair. She then uses her dimples as weapons once again which makes no sense. Beau then describes himself as being tasered which I can only assume is a metaphor for an erection.

He walks into class and OH NOES! McKayla is smiling at him but doesn’t think she is happy to see him.

Cat

McKayla starts questioning him about the film and thinks he skipped out on it for Edythe and used being lost as a charade. Beau is appalled! No idea why as he is always lying so makes sense to me. McKayla sniffs which Beau interprets as her not believing him. I wouldn’t believe you too. Beau now needs to be an arsehole and change the subject:

“That was really cool that you went out with Jeremy on Monday,” I said changing the subject. “He said it was great.” Or I was sure he would have, if I’d asked about it.”

You are such a raging prick! How you have friends is beyond me!?

We then have McKayla ask him if that it is true and if he can pinky promise? He then tells her if Jeremy thinks that she is like the coolest girl in school but don’t say anything as it’s like so totally against the man code.

I asked my man partner as he has experience of being a teenage man cub which I am lacking as I am a female with ovaries and according to Meyer I wouldn’t know man code things. I quoted to him this entire section and he said that it sounds like a woman trying to write a male teenage man cub character. He said that his experience as a former man cub surrounded by other man cubs don’t use crap such as “man codes” and wouldn’t say that to a female person as it just sounds and I quote “stupid”. This is just pure Match Maker Sue! The Suethor feels the need to make every character matched up (heterosexually, of course) but Meyer had to give it the man touch by using stupid phrases that don’t fit.

They then start walking somewhere together and McKayla asks again if he is going to the dance and that he can hang out with her group if he likes. All seems friendly to me but Beau still feels the need to piss and moan about it.

WAHHHH!!! 65

It’s been a while since we have seen that count, probably because Beau was too busy being dazzled to whine. We then have McKayla informing Beau that Taylor still thinks that her and Beau are attending prom together. Beau is SHOCKED!! He asks McKayla what he should do and McKayla speaks some sense:

“Tell her you’re not taking her.”

Beau, can’t do something as forward and honest as that. This guy has the spine of a jellyfish but I am meant to believe that he is so brave for frolicking with vampires and pirates. McKayla once again is our voice of reason:

“Man up, Beau. Or rent a tux. Your choice.”

It is really not difficult, just tell her that there must have been some misunderstanding and that you are very sorry for that. Sadly, we don’t get that but some stupid theatrical crap instead. Can’t wait!

He then sits in his little emo crisis and has no idea what to do. I’m so whipping out the genie again:

genie

Beau then decides to talk about his favourite topic: the weather. He is so pleased that it is dark and stormy looking as and I quote:

“There was something better than sunshine.”

I think I may need a vomit bucket. He sounds like a twelve-year-old girl writing about her boy band crush in her unicorn diary. Next up, is Beau sitting next to Jeremy and Meyer feels the need to show us that she so can write other perspectives and characters. I have quoted a lot but this needs to be seen:

“Dang, son,” he said. “Who knew you had that kind of game?”

What in God’s name is that! That just sounds like a pensioner trying to sound hip to connect to all the young whipper-snappers out there. Jeremy is so amazed that he pulled Edythe Cullen as that is amazballs (that is how young people speak, right?)

Jeremy still thinks that them just randomly meeting is bullshit but Beau has to tell us that he isn’t lying as it is obvious when he is lying. No it’s not as you lie all the time! You lie for the sack of lying. I hate it when authors just tell you character traits but then show the complete opposite. I’m not stupid, show me, don’t just tell me.

Beau is then embarrassed that Jeremy has noted how obsessed he is by Edythe. I don’t think any of us are surprised that everyone has noticed his stalker tendencies. Jeremy wants to know if Beau sold his soul to the devil to have pulled Edythe. Yes, he did and why does everyone think she is amazing. She is a rude little snot.

Jeremy bets that it was a pretty wild night for Beau. I must ask why he would think this? She dresses in beige designer gear all the time, doesn’t socialise with anyone, and gets the best grades. That doesn’t make me think that she is pretty wild. I know appearances are deceiving but this is going on appearances alone and that message is that she is dull. This is the whole nonsense of trying to make Edward sound like the bad boy to go for the forbidden romance angle but it failed as he was very dull and hardly looked and acted like the typical bad boy.

Jeremy then thinks that they were together all night and Beau is shocked that he could think this. Funny thing is though as that they clearly were as she was most likely sitting there staring at him all night as per usual. Jeremy is then even more shocked that they didn’t even make out and declares their date as really dull. This greatly upsets Beau as they have something more special than that. I think Bella in Breaking Dawn pretty much proves that wrong as she was sex mad and Edward was reduced to a walking dildo while they rutted like sex mad gerbils all night and forgot they have child. I am pretty sure that Beau would be exactly the same.

Jeremy thinks it must be some pity thing, well Beau has the personality of a wet napkin so I am not surprised that Jeremy would think that. Jeremy also thinks that it won’t take long for Edythe to get bored of Beau, again if this story was any way realistic then she would get bored of him pretty quickly. Jeremy once again speaks for all of us and says that he would rather date a normal girl. I don’t blame him as many people aspire to a life of socialisation and growth rather than being stuck with a sparkly and patronising statue. Well, Beau won’t have that!

“I was already irritated. I didn’t like the way he talked about Edythe in general, and the way he said normal really bugged me. No, Edythe wasn’t normal, but that wasn’t because, like his tone seemed to imply, she was something … off or wrong. She was beyond normal, above it. Surpassing it by so much that normal and Edythe weren’t even on the same plane of existence.”

Let’s forget that he knows she is a vampire as he was doing this before he knew. The only thing he based all this nonsense was her looks, nothing about her personality. Also Jeremy has been around her more than you and knows what a snobby little bitch she is and how she thinks she is above everyone else. So no, she is not normal but she is a murdering parasite not a glorius being.

WAHHHH!!! 66

“That’s probably for the best,” I muttered in a hard voice. “Keep your expectations low.”

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 60

I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOU ARE THE MOST CONCEITED AND SHALLOW LITTLE SHIT TO HAVE BEEN SPAT OUT BY SLUGS!!!

I needed that. How dare he sit there and think that! Maybe Jeremy would like to find a girl who has an actual personality and sense of humour then someone who is Beau’s definition of pure beauty but has the personality of an infected leg sore.

Sorry to keep quoting but as you can see this chapter is full of awful quotes:

“He started flipping spastically through his book”

How on earth does Meyer think that was OK to say that?!? I’m not a sensitive, little snowflake but that is offensive and that word is not used. Unless, we just put it down to Beau’s point of view and that he is a nasty wart.

We next get Jeremy thinking (rightly) that Beau is ditching them to stare at Edythe and Beau concludes that clearly this was something guys tell each other and that it was all part of Beau’s mystical man-code. It is so obvious that a sheltered woman wrote this. It’s so forced to show us that Beau is a MAN!!! Beau also says that Jeremy is stupid to think that Beau would be loyal to him. Well yeah, you have no respect of decency to any other human being.

Beau for some stupid reason thinks Taylor is waiting for him a prom dress and tiara. I don’t even know why but he is stupid. Naturally it is Edythe waiting for him as they can’t bear to be separated.

“My whole body felt like it was being electrocuted in a strange and very pleasant way.”

Hmm…… kinky.

Beau to prove that he is a ‘nice guy’ offers to hold her bag. I really don’t see the point of this. They go to lunch and Beau wonders what he thinks about the Cullens. You have a brain, Beau. Use it!

Archie innocently looks over at Beau and Edythe which causes the latter to get stink face as Beau is hers and no one else’s. This is another instance of Edythe failing as an Edwardian woman. It was very common place for men and women not to spend much time together especially, say after dinner where men would go off to have a brandy and talk man things. It just seems unlikely that she would be this possessive.

Edythe then shows that she has no regard to food wastage and that many survive on foodbanks as she blows $23 on lunch which most will be thrown away as Beau, like Bella can’t eat when surrounded by such beauty. We then get the same stupid conversation of Edythe nibbling pizza. Edythe tells Beau let Jeremy is so confused and that his mind went wild. I won’t rant again but Edythe would be embarrassed by this?! It’s scary how someone can mess up their own cannon so badly. We then get the whole: No, I like you more, No I like you more.

Edythe gets pissy and loathes that he won’t tell her everything floating in his head. Edythe, sweetie, it’s very simple what runs through his head:

Tumbleweed

Rosalie’s hatred has been ramped up to mega bitch levels as Royal as he just openly glaring at them and mentally screaming. I find it odd as it was pretty clear that all Rosalie missed about human life was the ability of having babies, not raising but just babies. She became a scary psycho in Breaking Dawn due to wanting Bella’s baby. Sadly, we will never know.

Meyer loves to tell us about how much the Cullens love each other as a family but they clearly don’t as Edythe is now going on about fighting Royal for thinking thinky things. They then both wank over how obsessed they are with each other. It’s creepy and these people scare me.

They then both have a competition over he thinks about each other more and how Beau dreams of her every night. Meyer may be trying to prove that obsessive love isn’t just a girl thing but she is sure is failing at trying to show this as healthy. They are more obsessive over each other than Bella and Edward, which is frankly worrying. This rag is proving in its own warped way that stalking is romantic and now we get to see into the sick head of another obsessive partner. It’s just creepy and I am shocked he hasn’t made an altar yet and slaughtered a chicken in ode of Edythe.

Three pages to go!!

They then wank over unordinary they are, yes they are unordinary but in a serial killer way. I’m so summing up the next section as it is just the copy pasted crap of Edythe thinking it’s best she leaves but can’t as she loves him and has to protect stalk him.

We then hear that Taylor has already bought her dress for prom which is to make her sound like a bunny boiler. Maybe she bought her dress in a sale to save money? This is just for Beau and Edythe to laugh at that pathetic human girl who could even dare think she has a chance with the awesome Beau.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 61

Well, turns I was right about the sale but it is to laugh at her poorness as it is also second hand. Ergh, poor people are icky. They then decide to go somewhere else for their date and Edythe really wishes that he would tell Charlie to give her some incentive not to outright murder him.

Who said romance is dead?

Anyway, they talk about eating bears and there are is a mistake that should have been changed. People laughed about how Emmett hunted Grizzly bears as they killed him in the 1920s, well it has been said by many that there are no Grizzly bears in Tennessee so that is silly. In the guide it was changed to Black bears but here it is back to Grizzly.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 26

Edythe says that they usually eat deer but that’s no fun as she is a psychopath who loves to torture her food before killing it. Isn’t that how serial killers usually start out? Interesting. They then witter on about how Beau can never see her hunt and then we finally end the chapter that never seemed to end!!

Next up is more pointless filler but we are at the halfway point so yay!

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