I’m on a roll this week! I think it is because I have completed red lining my hard copy of this book and saw how this thing ended. It’s spurred me on to get to that as my goodness there is so much fail rather than pointless filler. Last time we saw Beau banging on about man codes and what an obsessive freak he was. Next we have pretty much the same nonsense as it is just pure filler to pad this crap out.

We start with everyone and the text says everyone staring at Beau and Edythe as they walk into Biology. I really don’t get why anybody cares. Mrs Banner rolls in a TV and VCR which I struggle to believe as DVDs were cheap by then. I think this maybe Meyer being stuck in the 90s or its Meyer trying to show how poor this Crab People town is. I won’t award it a point as I suspect it’s the latter.

We then get a massive paragraph which I am so not quoting as it’s weird and long in which Beau goes on and on about how the electric current between him and Edythe is so strong that it’s almost painful. He is so turned on by his electricity fetish that he must touch Edythe’s “perfect” face. This goes on for a page!

They then struggle to say goodbye to each other as it will be a whole hour till they see each other again and it hurts.

Spongebob

Beau goes to gym and whines that the badminton racket he has is so dangerous. No it’s not, the racket would barely hurt you and a shuttlecock is practically weightless. Stop trying to make a stupid statement to heighten drama for your clumsiness which has disappeared for a while. McKayla partners up with Beau and he has the gall to say this:

“Sometimes it was really easy to like McKayla.”

It’s because she is a nice girl who is friendly to you but because she doesn’t have that ‘perfect’ face then she is still just a peasant to him. He would rather have the model who is constantly switching between extreme moods and has the personality of a cabbage. It has nothing to do with genders either as I thought this about Bella when it came to Mike.

Beau manages to defy the laws of physics to do something stupidly clumsy. They both leave gym together and Meyer decides to change that stupid line of Mike not liking Edward and Bella together because she looked like something he wanted to eat to:

“So she just snaps her fingers and you heel?”

“Guess so.”

Well yes, but I think this was changed so Meyer could shuv a great middle finger to her critics. She is trying to say:

“See Bella isn’t a doormat because she is a woman but it’s because she is a human! Look how strong Edythe is as other girls are noticing and she is a girl! It’s about first love, dammit.”

Nope, it doesn’t prove anything as Bella was a doormat because she is the most useless character to step foot in literature. Not because she is human but because she just likes to flop around till someone picks her up and does everything for her. This change of line is not fixing anything; Edythe doesn’t come across as strong but an abusive witch.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 62

Beau responds to this by walking away, yeah that really proves a point. He meets up with Edythe and once again she shows what a little bitch she is:

“Though I wouldn’t have minded if you’d hit that girl just a little harder.”

Why!?! What has that poor girl done to you, Edythe? She is just a bully and I can’t stand her. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean being a nasty bully. Edythe agrees not to maul McKayla to death and Beau says this:

“It was hard to process. Edythe was just so … delicate.”

You know she is a super strong vampire! Why is this so hard to comprehend? Meyer is seriously failing at her feminist argument.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 63

They talk about mind reading for a bit and I mention it as Edythe has to again show how much she seems to hate Royal as she admits that she says the worst things she can think of to his face. I don’t get this. Is it because Royal is now a man that Meyer wants to bash him some more or was it because she wanted to add this into the original but didn’t as she said many of her changes were fixes to suit her. If it is the latter than that is disturbing as Rosalie was a gang rape victim which killed her. Why go to so much effort to make that person sound even worse. I don’t even want to go into the horrible implications that these changes could suggest. I am so moving on.

They then go to the car and watch as Royal’s convertible is being fawned over by men as girls don’t understand cars, it confuses their tiny brains. I’m surprised though as Beau still says he doesn’t understand cars. According to Meyer, I thought men loved that? Maybe it’s because Beau is special compared to those Neanderthals.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 64

Beau asks why he can’t see Edythe hunt and that she seemed mad. Edythe asks if that frightened him, Beau even notes that she is hopeful. Why does she want him to be scared of her? I really don’t buy that it’s because she would hope he would change his mind about her as I am sure she would still stalk him. I think she gets off on it to be honest. Beau has an electricity fetish and Edythe has an abuser fetish. How lovely!

Edythe basically explains that they act like total savage animals who torture their food and he may get hurt as she can’t turn off her brutal nature. Why am I meant to aspire to be one of these things? I like my humanity, thank you. Beau goes on about his electricity fetish again and forgets to breath. You don’t forget and that is stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 27

They say goodbye and we skip the entire afternoon as Edythe isn’t there. Beau does dream about her though with more electricity. He wakes up and goes on about how his hair is too thick which you think a man would be very grateful about and how he is too pale. I am not buying the humble act as women are queuing up to date you (no idea why).

Charlie asks again if Beau is going to the dance, why bother Charlie? Charlie is worried that his son is upset that no one asked him and is maybe upset by that. Beau has to be a total arsehole though and say in his head that he so totally had loads of invitations as he is BEAUFORT SWAN, BITCHES!

He then ponders about what to do about Taylor and therefore Logan. Tell her! It is really not hard. I hate it when authors try and ramp up the drama with mundane crap like this. It’s very simple and therefore becomes very annoying.

It’s hardly a life and death situation (see what I did there, I’m hilarious).

Tumbleweed

He gets in the car with Edythe and naturally waxes poetically about Edythe. She then decides to bombard Beau with questions. Beau proves that like Bella he has no personality as he says his favourite colour is gold but it changes daily depending on Edythe’s eyes that day. That is sad and pathetic. Edythe continues to question Beau about his favourite books, music and movies but us readers never find out what those are. I am not advocating more pages for this book because I think I would cry but instead cut the constant wanking of Edythe so we can get some idea of Beau’s personality. Remember, Bella was empty so girls could step into her shoes and be the girl that gets wooed by Edward Cullen, basically fulfilling the fantasy. Are teenage boys reading this to get the fantasy of bagging the hottest girl in school? No, the readers are still mostly heterosexual females so Beau being empty fulfils no fantasy so he just comes across as exceptionally dull and empty.

Oh Jesus, No!! We are now entering a God awful scene of Beau fixing his Taylor problem. I hate this section so much but summing it up doesn’t not give you the true awfulness of this scene. It’s long but I am quoting this whole thing. I’m putting it in bold so it’s easier to read with my comments in between.

“Taylor, can I have a minute?” I said as I walked up to her. I didn’t say it quietly.

She was right in the very middle of the cluster. Logan turned to glower at me with his fish green eyes.

Why does Beau have to be a nasty bastard to Logan? Why focus on that? It is just unnecessarily catty and not needed.

Sure, Beau,” Taylor said, looking confused.

“Look,” I said, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Everyone fell silent. Jeremy’s eyes got all round. Allen looked embarrassed. McKayla shot me a critical glance, like she couldn’t believe I was doing it this way. But she didn’t know exactly what I was doing, or why I needed this audience.

McKayla is looking at you that way because she thinks you are being a douche and humiliating Taylor in front of her friends and no what Beau actually does is no better. It’s stupid and doesn’t work but we will get there. Also why do we need a laundry list of how everyone is reacting? The audience doesn’t care.

Taylor was shocked. “What?”

I scowled. It was easy – I was pretty angry right now that I hadn’t talked myself out of this, or come up with a better way. But it was too late for improv now.

If Beau had just told her that he wasn’t interested in the first place, then we wouldn’t need this stupid scene. Also why is Beau so angry? It is a simple misunderstanding which he has had plenty of time to fix and tell her the truth. It almost sounds like he wants to humiliate her for daring to think she could have him. Also the next scene will show why the last sentence is insane as he couldn’t just tell her the truth but instead came up and rehearsed this stupid scene which is what that line implies.

”I’m tired of being a pawn in your game, Taylor. Do you even realize that I have feelings of my own? And all I can do is watch while you use me to make some jealous.” My eyes darted to Logan, whose mouth was hanging open, and back to Taylor. “You don’t care if you break my heart in the process. Is it being beautiful that’s made you so cruel?”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!

Bullet list time:

• No one would buy this as Beau spends all his time with Edythe or staring at her. No one would buy that he likes Taylor, unless they are as stupid as Beau.
• I think it would be obvious to everyone that this is a lie as he doesn’t spend any time with Taylor.
• Meyer has clearly been watching too many rom-coms. I keep thinking of Legally Blonde when Elle says to the nerdy guy about how they had a hot and steamy night but he never called in front of a girl he fancies so she would date him as woman love dogs, am I right? I think Meyer was trying to recreate that scene to make Logan want Taylor more as she clearly likes him if she is willing to use someone to make him jealous.
• Or Meyer wanted Taylor to be humiliated in front of everyone and to make them think she is nothing but a cock-teasing bitch who deserves scorn as she dared to fancy Beau. Meyer loves to torture characters that are clearly based on people she knew in high school so maybe this is another instance of that.
• This probably wouldn’t work then if we go with the second theory as it would most likely make guys think that Taylor is a manipulative snake who will use other men for her own fun.
• Beauty makes you cruel. Are you serious? This is once again showing that horrible ‘Nice guy’ attitude. Beau sounds like a Male Rights Activist.

Taylor’s eyes were wide, her mouth open in a little o.

“I’m not going to play anymore. This whole prom charade? I’m out. Go with the person you really want to be with.” A longer glare this time at Logan.
And then I stalked away, slamming through the cafeteria doors in what I hoped was a dramatic way.

Ergh, this is pure match-maker Sue/Stu at work but in the most convoluted and soup opera way possible. I bet Meyer thought this scene was brilliant but it wasn’t. I wanted to peel my own skin off after that.

Edythe tells Beau that he is amazing and that his stupid little plan worked, I am still convinced it was because he wanted to humiliate Taylor. Also, no one would buy his little scene! They would just sit and think he is having an episode. They go to Biology and they are watching that film again. Beau talks for half a page about how his electricity fetish is making him want to take Edythe right there, well PG rated off course as he just talks about kissing her chin. Though this line made me giggle as I am a child:

“Not really appropriate for a classroom full of children”

He clearly has an electricity induced boner again. He then spends the rest of the class trying to wish his trouser snake to go away. They leave to go to gym and Edythe touches his face and leaves. I have summed up a page and a half in two sentences. Luckily for Beau, he is with McKayla again for gym so he doesn’t have to do anything but stand there. I am sure the coach would tell him to move his lazy arse and play.

He leaves gym and Edythe is there so he is oh so happy now. Edythe continues to question him but we get none of his answers as characterisation is far too much effort. They sit in her car for hours which seems weird as they could talk in his house but we all know why they aren’t doing the sensible thing here.

FORESHADOWING!!! OOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!

We then get a title drop of them looking poetically into the distance and saying its twilight. Subtle, real subtle. Edythe whines about the night time and calls it predictable, I would give kudos if she couldn’t go in the day but she can so that sounds like whining. Sadly, I can’t give that a point as that’s exclusively for Beau. He goes on about how you can see the stars but then whines that you can’t in Forks. I am sure you are more likely to see them in Forks on a clear day then Phoenix due to light pollution.

WAHHHH!!! 67

They’re about to say goodbye and Meyer decides we may have forgotten what a shallow prick Beau is and how Edythe is the most perfect goddess to ever exist.

“I’d always thought I didn’t really have a type; my former my crowd back had something – one liked blondes and one only cared about the legs and one had to have blue eyes. I’d thought I was less particular; a pretty girl was a pretty girl. But I realized now that I must have been the most difficult to please of them all. Apparently, my type was extremely specific – I’d just never known it. I hadn’t known my favorite hair colour was this metallic shade of bronze, because I’d never seen it before. I hadn’t known I was looking for eyes the color of honey, because I’d never seen those, either. I didn’t know a girl’s lips had to be curved just this wau and her cheekbones high under the long slash of her back lashes. All along, there had only been one shape, one face that would move me.”

WOW!!

I think Meyer was going for the whole thing of two halves of a whole soul thing to show that Beau and Edythe are soulmates and true loves. That’s fine, if you want to go for that boring cliché then I’m not going to stop you. However, the way this was executed is completely off. What is the only thing that mentioned? Any guesses? Oh, OK I’ll tell you.

APPEARANCE!

There is no mention of personality whatsoever! I get that someone’s looks is usually the first thing you notice about someone when you establish an attraction. I completely get that and it would be foolish to pretend that physical attributes isn’t important. It’s fine to have a slight preference to blondes but most people don’t only go for blonde hair or blue eyes (weird Nazi vibe there as that’s all that’s mentioned). Many may prefer those attributes but most wouldn’t out right reject a red head with green eyes, unless they are Christian Grey but that is for truly demented reasons.

However, total focus on physical attraction is usually in the initial lust stage but that’s when personality becomes far more important. The person you think is hot may be the most horrible and boring human being you have ever had the misfortune to meet. Then there is the flip side, you may meet the most beautiful person to you and their personality is awesome but then they suffer from an illness or accident that dramatically alters their appearance, real love means people look past that as it is the person they fell in love with, not the packaging.

That is so clearly not the case here. I find it is the case of unusual features such as eyes and hair colour that snare Beau the most as that makes her a limited edition and only he can have it. She is his shiny Charizard Pokemon card which he can laud in other people’s faces. The way he is talking is the very shallow lust faze but he is meant to be in the truest love which is better than yours. Yet, all talks about is her looks and no mention of her personality (it may be horrible but go with me here) and what aspects of her personality that make her his type. They have only bonded over one classical music song. That’s it! This is so beyond shallow and is frankly worse than Bella. She went on about Edward’s beauty but not to this extent. Beau like Bella wants sparkly immortality with great riches and the added bonus of a good looking handbag (Edward/Edythe). This isn’t true love but shallow lust.

Edythe drives off due to a complication, I wonder what that could be. Oh yes, the Blacks have arrived and so has Charlie. Exciting stuff. Jules is all excited to see Beau (why?) and helps her mother Lady Billy who is now Bonnie out of the car. Beau says she looks unusual which probably translates to an ugly crone as she isn’t a vampire. He describes her as a stereotypical Native American with wise eyes, probably in touch with nature and can paint with all the colours of the wind as that’s what they all clearly do according to Meyer.

Beau notices that Bonnie looks pissed off to see Edythe and Beau concludes this chapter that Bonnie believes the old legends. Well, they aren’t that old as they are barely a hundred years old. These vampires suck for not waiting longer to come back to Forks but it is a case of stupidity for the sake of plot.

Anyway, that is the chapter is done! We are one chapter away from the meadow of sparkly unicorns, I think I may need a bucket for that but we still have some pointless filler to get through where we will say goodbye to many characters. They are so lucky to escape this early.

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