We just spent another chapter of the Crab People of Forks fawning over the awesome that is Beau and Edythe. It was both horrifying and boring. The chapter ended with Bonnie and Jules turning up and Beau giving them the stink eye as they dare to have more experience with vampires than Beau. Gawd, he knows them best!! He is such a twit.

We start this chapter with Charlie being all excited that his friend has come over to see him. We see some genuine characterisation between the three as they laugh and joke with each other. Jules, once again comes across as far more likeable than Edythe could ever be. Beau decides that all of this is offensive to him to goes inside so he doesn’t have to be a part of this merrymaking (I’m re-reading The Lord of the Rings for university and I love that phrase). They decide to stay for the game, shocking as I thought women didn’t understand complicated man games like sports! Bonnie drops Jules in it by saying how she was excited to see Beau again (Why?!?).

Beau decides to cook grilled cheese sarnies so he can further his avoidance of merrymaking as he is a boring old Sacksville-Baggins. Jules decides to take up the unenviable task of making small talk with Beau and he actually shows some interest in her life which is shocking in its own right and asks if she has finished her car. Naturally, we have to get back to the Cullens so Jules asks who was driving the awesome Volvo. I really doubt someone who loves classic cars and is building a VW Rabbit would really think a silver Volvo was that amazing as she would more likely be impressed with the horse power and other car things rather than a price tag. This is just another case of Meyer moving a character’s lips to make them fawn over the Cullens.

Beau tells Jules that the driver was Edythe Cullen and to his shock she doesn’t fawn over how amazing that information is but just laughs. I love you Jules, please phase into a werewolf now and rip Edythe apart. We then have the stupidity of Jules saying that Bonnie wouldn’t tell Charlie due to him cutting off his best friend all because she dared to not like virtual strangers. It was ridiculous in the original and it is still stupid here. Not enough to award points though as Meyer would never remove anything that didn’t make the Cullens look like tortured heroes and the werewolves as nothing else but prejudiced jerks.

Beau basically sticks around just to see if Bonnie will say anything and not because he actually wants to socialise with anyone that isn’t a Cullen. Now, we must say goodbye to our first character that gets to depart this mess. Bye Jules! *Waves* I hope you don’t become the whiney arsehole that Jacob became. Beau decides that he doesn’t want to talk to his father but Charlie would quite like to connect to his son. Sadly, Charlie asks why doesn’t Beau go to the dance with McKayla. I think this is just so Beau can go on about how much better Edythe is compared to that human scum. It wasn’t this bad in the original which is odd but it must be to make Edythe and therefore Meyer seem more special. Beau then lies off his arse by saying he is just like daddykins while smiling so his Dad won’t spend time with him.

Beau wakes up and is cheerful according to Charlie, I still doubt it as nothing makes him happy. He goes outside and Edythe is there. SHOCKING!!! She flourishes her dimples her again which is getting on my nerves as much as the blushing descriptions. Beau asks Edythe about what she did last night and as a true Edwardian lady she tells him to shut the fuck up as it is still her turn for the interrogations.
Edythe is shocked that Beau has no romantic history as he is such a yummy little gummy bear and how could not have won the heart of some fair maiden. Blergh! This chapter is so boring! Nothing has changed as now it’s the same shit of Edythe and Archie leaving at lunch to slaughter some of the local fauna. Beau asks Edythe if she cannot leave her Volvo at his house just in case Charlie sees, we then have this:

“And then, if you don’t come home, it will be a complete mystery, won’t it?”

Murder is hilarious! Haha!! Think of the shenanigans that will ensue. I hate this book so much and that is the lightest of the total flippancy of murder that this books gets. It gets so much worse. Edythe is then pissy when he asks her what she is hunting and giggles when Beau calls it her unusual lifestyle which makes me think of something kinky.

Beau then whines that the Cullens don’t seem to like him but Edythe tells him that he is the most fascinating person she has ever known. She must have spent her vampire years in a hole as he is mind numbingly dull. Beau agrees with me and says he is the most boring person he knows. I know this is to make him sound humble and we as the audience are meant to shout that he is so not boring but I agree with him. He makes watching paint dry sound like a rave. Ergh, we now have some human bashing. Observe:

“”Having the advantages I do,” she murmured, touching one finger to her forehead, “I have a better – than – average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you … you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise.””

He takes you by surprise as he thinks with his boner rather than his brain because if he used his grey matter then he would have run a mile when she said how much she wants to kill him and how she stalks him. Also Edythe says that he isn’t like most humans as they are just dullards> I disagree as his thought process pretty much consists of:

I HATE THE WEATHER!

EDYTHE IS FIT!

I HATE RAIN!

EW! HUMANS ARE GROSS!

RAIN SUCKS!

I LOVE EDYTHE’S EYEBROW!

Yeah, he is facisnating. Royal then decides to glare at Beau for some reason so Edythe hisses at her brother. Ooooo scary! They then discuss Beau’s possible murder as the reason why Royal is pissy with them. Not because murdering a young man is bad but because his family may get caught out. These people are horrible.

Edythe finally leaves even though I don’t see how the school would allow this if she was fine all day and looking perky. Also, she would never have perfect grades. This is still stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 28

Beau meets Archie and it is boring in all honesty. Archie then frolics off which still sounds silly after Edythe speaks to him coldly. Why is she so horrible to her family? I’m meant to think the Cullens are a big and happy family but they all seem to hate each other and stick with each out of convenience rather than familial love. They love their romantic partners but treat each other with utter contempt and hostility. Yet, I am supposed to idealise these people but it just doesn’t make any sense. I would rather be in a happy human family then be part of the Cullens.

Edythe begs Beau to be safe and remarks that it is very difficult for him to safe in Forks. No it isn’t! He had a car accident, the most dangerous thing for him is a vampire who wants to eat him. Hmm…. I wonder who that could be, Edythe?

Beau then considers ditching school himself but realises that others would figure out he was with Edythe and if she out right murders him the next day then she may be inconvenienced. Wow, that’s ermmm…… romantic? Is that meant to be the right word as that just sounds like someone trying to hide domestic abuse.

We then have Beau contemplating his relationship with Edythe and declares that they have to face off his potential murder as they need to stop balancing. I hate random words dropping like a wet tissue in chapters to explain the chapter title, it just comes across as random and lazy. Beau decides that he doesn’t mind getting brutally murdered by Edythe as the prospect of her leaving is just too hard.

Beau chats with McKayla and she politely asks what his plans are for the weekend and Beau gets all pissy as she asks if he planning on ‘studying’ with Edythe. I don’t know why people care to be honest. She says he is welcome to join them at the dance as his exciting plans of laundry made her pity him. Beau still has to be a little bitch and snap at her. McKayla, who has more of a spine snaps back at him. I am meant to think she is being a bitch but I think it’s great someone stands up to his whiney and entitled behaviour.

WAHHHH!!! 68

Beau walks to the parking lot and lo and behold his car is there. Beau doesn’t contemplate that Edythe is a massive stalker who went through his stuff. He gets home and tells his Dad that he won’t be going to Seattle and will spend the day at home. Charlie for some strange reason says that Beau is easy to live with. I doubt that, it would be like living with severe damp and mould.

Beau then goes on and on about his own brutal murder and is wondering if there will be anything left of his corpse for his Dad to mourn over. He then wonders how devastating it would be for Charlie to lose his only son. This entirely new and I know why, it’s pure foreshadowing.

He decides that he would prefer it if his murderers are never caught which would probably give Charlie some closure but he wouldn’t them to be inconvenienced in any way for his horrific murder. He even says that he wouldn’t want them to feel threatened. This is sick! How on earth can someone think like this? He doesn’t seem to give a shit about how his father would feel and is far more concerned about his murderers. That sounds so much like victim blaming and Beau sounds like a victim making excuses to make life for his abuser easier. This is just beyond sick and sends out the worst messages.

Beau considers briefly that he might go to Seattle and that part of Edythe is hoping for that. Once again, this is just sick. That is basically Edythe saying while Beau lies on the floor dying:

“Well I did tell you that I may murder you and that it was up to you if you wanted to have a date. I did also flutter my dimples and other awkward flirtings while saying how much I care for you but I wanted you to change your mind so I wouldn’t murder you. Well, how could I help myself? This is clearly your fault and you wanted to be brutally murdered at seventeen.”

This is pure victim blaming and it is disgusting. He is choosing to trust her not to kill him but she thinks if she cryptically warns him enough then that takes away all her responsibility if she does kill him as she totally warned him.

I hate this book so much. Beau is an idiot by making it easier for his killer to face no ramifications but also he is being manipulated by a pretty vampire. Beau even declares that there is no choice and has to be with Edythe no matter what. Once again, he sounds like a domestic abuse victim who has been so manipulated that they feel like they have no choice but to be with their abuser. This book has the worst messages and I will never understand how Meyer has never realised this.

I know why she doesn’t understand this. Meyer is trying to ramp up the drama of their date to the extreme, which is stupid as we have read Twilight so we know that she doesn’t murder him. Meyer is desperately trying to ramp up the drama to show how much Beau’s love has changed Edythe as she won’t eat him because of their special love. It is just another instance of that awful message that the love of a good woman/man can change the bad boy/girl which as we know barely works in real life as those people end up buried in the basement.

Beau then decides to wonder how it would feel being drained of blood till he dies. He speaks with such a flat tone that he doesn’t sound like he particularly cares that he may die a horrible death tomorrow. He is concerned that it would be unlike Hollywood depictions because of her brutal slaughterings of woodland creatures. He then thinks that it would probably be a gentle death as it is Edythe. This is just bizarre! He must have severe issues to be calmly thinking about the real possibility of a preventable death the next day.

Beau decides to be edgy by drinking cold medicine which is hardly irresponsible drug use as cold medication is hardly going to knock you out. He even says when he wakes up that he slept well due to his ‘drug abuse’. Drinking a bit of cold medication is hardly drug abuse and this just makes Meyer look naive and immature.

Edythe knocks and she laughs that they match. It is because they are so dull and only wear beige. They get in his car and Beau incorrectly states that his car could be Edythe’s car’s grandfather which is incorrect as cars like boats are referred to in feminine pronouns. Beau asks where they are going and Edythe explains that they are going to go hiking.

Edythe asks who knows that they are together and Beau explains that no one knows and she gets angry as that just makes things easier for her to murder him and therefore all his fault if he dies. She actually says this:

“Is it the weather? Seasonal affective disorder? Has Forks made you so depressed that you’re actually suicidal?”.

Suicide is not funny and why does Fork’s weather even come into this? Edythe is a pure abuser who is blaming Beau for whatever harm she may do to him. It’s almost like: “Why do you make me angry? I don’t want to hit you but you make me!” Meyer would probably argue that it is not like that as she wants Beau to tell people so is therefore not trying to isolate him. It’s not that at all, she knew he wouldn’t tell anyone and is using that as almost an excuse to hurt him. She is acting furious that he hasn’t told anyone which is a contradiction as she said it would cause problems for her if she did outright murder him. She is a manipulative witch.

They get out of the car and both decide that I haven’t suffered enough as we go from victim blaming and murder to Beau/Meyer wanking over Edythe/Meyer. Observe:

“I could see the delicate shapes of her shoulder blades almost like furled wings under her pale skin. Her arms were so thin…”

Ew! Beau sounds just as flowery as Bella and who on earth describes shoulder blades like that. That is bizarre and why is he fetishizing her extreme thinness? She sounds like a bag of bones and I am guessing that is what Meyer wishes she was as Edythe is her self-insert. It’s sad really and I may have had sympathy if it wasn’t for the fact that Edythe in her extreme thinness is described as perfect constantly which can be damaging to the young girls reading this. That isn’t the end of that though as we have more:

“I’d never seem so much of her skin. Her pale arms, her slim shoulders, the fragile-looking twigs of her collarbones, the vulnerable hollows above them, the swanlike column of her neck, the gentle swell of her breasts – don’t stare, don’t stare – and her ribs I could nearly count under the thin cotton. She was too perfect, I realised with a crushing wave of despair. There was no way this goddess could ever belong to me.”

WHY, GOD, WHY!?!

• This has gone beyond being thin, this sounds like anorexia to me. Read that again and see what he says. He is fetishizing her fragile and prominent shoulder blades, they clearly stick out quite a bit to show off hollows and that he can count her ribs underneath her top which shows how much they must stick out. This is not healthy! She sounds painfully thin and malnourished but Beau loves it! He thinks that this is perfect. What the hell was Meyer thinking?! Anorexia is not sexy but a dangerous and life destroying mental illness that is very well known to affect teenage girls which is her core demographic. This is sick and is promoting a very damaging ideal as Edythe is constantly described as perfect so to impressionable young girls that sounds like anorexia = perfect appearance. Meyer has often said that she doesn’t think about what she is writing and it clearly shows here. Bella was never described like this who was Meyer’s last self-insert. This is so beyond vile, especially as I am someone who has battled eating disorders due to societal demands for being slim. This has made me so angry that young girls read this and that Meyer is once again adding extra vile messages into her series.

• This also fails due to history. Edythe as an Edwardian woman from a middle to high class family would very unlikely be this thin. Edwardian ideals were for women to be curvy with broader features such as hips. Larger body weight was seen as attractive due to the logic that they would shoot out babies easier and that meant that her family were affluent enough to have rich and decent food throughout the day. Bigger sizes meant affluent families which was very attractive in those times. Thin frames became highly popular in the 1920s but Edythe was already a vampire then. Thin bodies in the Edwardian period screamed poor and working class because it was obvious that your family didn’t have enough money to feed your family. Things are flipped now as being thin shows you can afford healthy organic food with a personal trainer whereas bigger bodies now indicate that the person is poor and has to rely on cheap and unhealthy foods that are packed with calories to survive.

• Edythe would look sick and poor to her peers and unlikely to have been seen as attractive in her social circles. People may say it is because she died of the Spanish Flu at that may have been why she is this thin but no, as that fails too, as Spanish Flu was relatively quick to succumb to so she would not have lost that much weight before her transformation unless she was already very slim to begin with. Also, this couldn’t be true as Meyer would not want her avatar to look sickly as she wants to be Edythe and she has to be perfect.

• I seriously doubt that a seventeen-year-old boy would comment on the gentle swell of someone’s breasts as that doesn’t sound realistic or natural for his demographic.

• WOMEN ARE NOT POSSESSIONS!!! No one belongs to anyone as that just sounds like property ownership and I am sick to death of this message that is constantly being broadcast in this series.

Wow, that was a massive rant over a small paragraph but thankfully the chapter is almost over. They start hiking and Beau mentions that he killed three goldfish in a row which Edythe finds exceptionally funny. I find it funny that many serial killers start off by killing animals so naturally she would find this funny as she is a raging psychopath.

They walk into the meadow and Beau decides to sound just like Bella and goes on about the pretty flowers which sounds odd for a teenage boy. Edythe takes a deep breath and then steps in the sunlight and thankfully we end there.

That chapter was awful! I wanted to start peeling off my skin, ergh and next is the meadow with those God awful sappy love declarations. Before we end though, let us say farewell to Jeremy, McKayla, Taylor, Erica, Allen and Logan as they are pretty much gone. They appear very briefly in the last chapter but they will no longer have any speaking lines. They were pointless characters anyway but now we enter pure vampire company rather than humans. Can’t wait for the constant humanity bashing which will be coming in thick and fast. Ermm….. yay?

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