This is it, we are at THE chapter that started this God forsaken series. This is the chapter that was Meyer’s wet dream where she dreamt of a sparkly boy in the meadow telling this girl how much he loved her but wanted to kill her. I would say that she ate too much cheese late at night and to forget it but no, she found a spark lit up inside her (sleep orgasm) and had to write this story out. This awful chapter sparked the mess of the series to come which brought us Twihards, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, Renesmee and The Vamp (seriously, look that up, it’s weird and disturbing). It will be interesting to see how this pans out (I red-penned this ages ago so I can barely remember what happens except the sparkles) but I am almost certain it was a little of copy and pasting with disturbing extras peppered onto a steak made out of horse shit. Robert Pattinson summed this up perfectly and I do implore you to watch the video underneath as it’s hilarious.

Anyway, enough dawdling! Let’s enter the Meadow of Great Sparkling Fail!

OH JESUS CHRIST!!! NO I DON’T WANT THIS CHAPTER!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!

do-not-want-dog

LOOK AT THIS:

“I thought about falling to my knees on purpose. This was the kind of beauty you worshipped. The kind you built temples for and offered sacrifices to. I wishes I had something in my empty hands to give her, but what would a goddess want from a mediocre mortal like me?”

I am boggling. I am going to quote myself as in what my red pen notes say:

“What the ever loving crap is that?”

That is Beau’s reaction to her sparkling. Really!?! I know I have joked about Beau slaughtering a chicken for Edythe and dancing in a circle. I know I am picture heavy today but I imagine this as it just makes me feel better:

Gordon.png

This is a thousand times worse than Bella’s reaction. This is beyond creepy as he has gone beyond just thinking she is hot but actually worshiping her. Granted, Bella did too but not to the point of sacrificing goats. I still don’t get why the sparkles are meant to be beautiful, especially as ‘The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner’ pretty much ruined that when they went on about how they look like disco balls which I found hilarious as it seemed like hanging a lampshade on the utter stupidity that sparkling is.

Also it just shows what a shallow prick he is again as he has to worship such beauty and is trying to be humble but we know different. Also! I think I need a serious bleach bath and a dousing of wine straight into my veins as the sound of Meyer fapping hard away about her self-insert is utterly disgusting and I don’t think I will ever be clean again. I imagine that this was Meyer after writing that paragraph:

spiderman orgasm

I’m running away from that as fast as possible as its gross. Beau is still gawping at Edythe and she asks him if he is scared. Ermm…. I must ask quickly during this wank fest errmm…. Why? Why is this scary? It’s just sparkling, it’s not like she is ripping the heads of goats or something. It’s just glittering. I must admit, I have never understood the hatred for the sparkling as it doesn’t happen often and vampire myths can change and often have with time. Make fun of her reasoning as it’s stupid as she has no idea how physics works but the sparkling is pretty inoffensive. We have so much more that we can rip apart, no need to waste time on something that barely features.

Beau tells Edythe that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen; he likes to remind us that he is telling the truth which is helpful as he is a lying liar who lies. Edythe asks if he is repulsed by her lack of humanity. Well, any normal person would be but not because of the sparkling but because you are a raging psychopath. Why would anyone think that sparkling is terrifying and repulsive, yeah it is a bit weird but not horrific. Beau answers with this:

“I’m feeling like humanity is pretty overrated.”

Jesus, even Bella didn’t start shitting on humanity this quickly! The message that humans are as low as pond scum are spread throughout this obnoxious series but it really smacks you in the face like bad beef in ‘Breaking Dawn’, especially when Bella turns into a vampire. It is nothing but the constant drum beat of how humanity is the worst and how being a vampire is the best. I will never understand why anyone would want to be one of those abominations. Hey! Quick check list:

• Never sleeping! Never being able to shut the world and your mind away.
• Never eating or drinking (not blood) again! No variations in diet.
• Seeing loved ones grow, change and die while you are stuck forever.
• Never growing or changing yourself.
• Never being able to settle and make long lasting friends (who aren’t murderous vampires) as they will notice you never changing.
• Never having children.
• Never having pets as it has been stated animals hate vampires.
• Never dying. That is a negative as imagine how different humans will be in thousands of years time.
• Never being able to see the world during the day due to sparkling. You can’t enjoy the beach in the Maldives or the vibrancy of Australia during the day.
• Boredom! Linked to never dying but having endless time but limited with what you can do.
• Acting like an animal when blood is near.

Yes, you get to be sparkly, pretty, powerful and immortal but I think what I listed doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest, to me personally. Most vampires are nomadic animals who just travel in pairs and slaughter humans for food in the wilderness. That sounds horrendous and I would rather not but Beau thinks that is the berries. Do you know, if he wants that then fine but he doesn’t need to slam humanity constantly as it just makes him look awful as he feels like he deserves the best as he is Beaufort Swan, bitches! It’s the High School fantasy all over again, where the mousy brunette becomes beautiful and then topples the mean girl to become the meanest girl out there.

I’m skipping the next few pages as it is just Beau stroking Edythe’s arm and trying to make sure that she won’t rip his head off in the process. Oh, and Edythe thinks it’s the best feeling ever. She needs to get out more.

Edythe brings up her favourite topic which is finding out if Beau is terrified of her. Why does she get off on the thought of scaring him? It’s creepy! Beau then huffs her breath; these people are freaks! Well, Edythe does freak out and runs off unto the woods. She asks him if he can give her moment which means more human bashing as Beau needs to inform us that it is loud enough for his pigeon ears.

Edythe comes back and we get the crap about how she is world’s best predator and decides to demonstrate this by destroying nature. I know she is trying to scare Beau as she gets off on that but I bet Beau loves it as he hates nature so is probably orgasming over its destruction via Edythe. I have proof of this theory:

“I’d never seen her so completely freed of her careful human façade. She’d never been less human … or more beautiful. I couldn’t move, like a bird trapped by the eyes of a snake.”

Hmm…. Where to start. Yep, called it, he loves watching the destruction of nature. I bet he loves Trump. OK, yes it isn’t a general human activity to rip apart trees but I still don’t think it’s that astonishing and dropping the façade as she looks human. If she turned into a llama demon, then fine but it just seems to be a bit dramatic to me. Also, look at the human bashing, her throwing off her human façade makes her more beautiful as humans are too dull for Beau. Plenty of humans destroy nature, Beau, not just vampires. Also that phrase about the snake is odd. Yes, plenty of snakes will eat birds but their most common prey is rodents. Captive snakes eat frozen mice after all. I would have changed bird to mouse as it seems a bit odd to me but maybe it’s because birds are seen as more attractive than mice which are usually considered vermin and Beau can’t be that! It is just a very odd phrase.

Edythe stops destroying nature and sits next to Beau and promises that she won’t murder him. They talk about how they never want to leave each other, even though Edythe finally admits she is selfish and won’t leave him alone. She also likes to remind him about how she wants to murder him.

We then get the exact same shit of Edythe describing him as her favourite ice cream, but then decides to go on about alcoholics and describes humans as stale beer but Beau is cognac. Then we have the line that so many Twihards love for some strange reason:

“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”

Nothing shows love like addiction! I know it’s his blood but that was what drew her to him. They just love huffing each other like paint which indicates addiction. We then have the same nonsense of Edythe discussing this with her sisters and how yummy people blood is. She says Eleanor has brutally murdered two people because they smelled extra yummy but it is described like this:

“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?”

The Cullens brutally murdering someone extra yummy for something to eat is a bit different from me eating an entire tub of ice cream in my pyjamas of shame. I won’t say why just yet but this line becomes so important at the end and there will be tantrums. This line will, actually fuck it this whole heroin description will lose all credibility at the end. So make a mental note of this my dear readers and there will be so many words!

I hate this blasé attitude towards cold blooded murder! I do not want any comparison with meat eaters as due to the high intelligence most societies will not eat apes and dolphins which are considered completely separate from eating a chicken. A life is a life yes but these people have hopes, dreams and families but because one of the Cullens thought one of them smelt particularly yummy then they decide to end that for a brief ten minutes of satisfaction. That is murder, end of.

Beau then decides to wank over the prospect over his own murder. Judging by the worship earlier, I think he would have run up the stairs of Chichen Itza to have his heart ripped out if it was for Edythe. She then makes excuses for Eleanor as they were strangers that she ate, it would have been bad if she had known them. That is horrendous as most people feel compassion for strangers who have been hurt. Look at all the love from around the world in the recent terror attacks! Imagine if most of the world didn’t care because hey, it’s not like they know these people who were injured and died. This is beyond worrying and disturbing.

Edythe admits that she thought of murdering him when they first met as well as lots of children but didn’t because that would inconvenience Carine. Not the mindless and cold blooded murders of over twenty people, na they are just lowly humans. How I am meant to believe these people care about humans as they clearly don’t. I have no clue why they only hunt animals as they have shown no indication of caring about humans.

Edythe then goes on about how she thought Beau was a demon (he is) sent to torture her and she kept thinking how she could lure him away to kill him. That is not like a shark who only acts on instinct towards blood as they go into machine mode. She coldly and calculatingly thought of how to murder Beau. That is not insane with blood lust. To prove this, I am going to quote what Edward said in ‘Midnight Sun’ as he plans it so calmly that it just shows what a psychotic arsehole he and therefore Edythe is. Sorry for the long quote but it is needed:

“Destroy evidence. Collateral damage….

I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.

The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.
I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.
The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.

Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.

If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.

But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn’t have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door—block that and they were trapped.

It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear…and I’d be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.

And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.”

Oh, swoon! Don’t they sound like someone we want to aspire to date. I will say it again: I HATE THIS SERIES!

I am certain that was Edythe’s thoughts as it is terrifying to note that Meyer claimed she felt like she was more akin to Edward after writing ‘Midnight Sun’. Look at that!! That is disturbing and I am now scared, not the sparkling but the cold and calculated plots for mass murder. That is not the frantic outburst of the blood thirsty shark within but calculated murder.

Edythe feels the need to tell Beau and therefore us that she considered murdering the frail human (she says that) to abduct Beau. As Beau has no regard for his own life said he would have followed her even though she was a big fat meanie to him.

Edythe explains how she ran off to Alaska but decided to come back as he was just an insignificant human. Once, again I am not getting the impression that she has any compassion for humanity but thinks that they are just vermin. She shows this attitude again by saying that she thought she could treat him like any other human. Yes, with disdain!

She then explains her shit fit when the car came to kill him and thought that it couldn’t be Beau that died, anyone else is fair game though. I’m skipping the rest as it is just a re-hashing of chapter three. I will mention that she admires for Beau for his brains as he saw past the human façade, no he just got boners over your perfection which is not the same thing.

Edythe declares that she can’t live without him even though they have only been cordial for a few days. I am not a fan of romances but if I read one then I like to see the build-up of love. I love the end of ‘Mockinjay’ when Katniss tells Peeta that she loves him as it is genuine growth of her feelings. I get this book is romance but it is just literally them ignoring each other, talking a bit and then BAM!! Twu Luv. It’s pretty unrealistic and dull.

Next is the stupid quote that so many Twihards have tattooed on them about the lion and the lamb. I am not quoting it as it hasn’t changed and makes me want to puke. Edythe goes on about how humans shy away from them which still makes no sense as she said that they are beautiful and smell good to attract their prey. Which is it!?!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 29

The next page is her listening to his heart and I don’t care so I am skipping as nothing has changed. Beau admits that he has been constantly thinking about her and fantasising about her since day one which means he is a massive stalker. They sort of hold each other for a bit while Beau huffs her stench but once again we get some anorexia vibes:

“down her sharp shoulder blades”

How lovely. Edythe tries to explain that she is hungry for some boning as well as his murder. Kinky. She is also very confused by her lady boner as she has never had it before. It is fine to have urges before you meet your love partner as it is called hormones! We aren’t birds who mate for life but animals that have sex for pleasure but don’t need to be in a true love setting to notice those feelings. This is so stupid and also could be damaging as a teenager could be in an abusive relationship but because the sex is good and they desire it then they must be destined true loves as you don’t have these desires till you meet them. Oh Jesus, that is Ana’s feelings for Christian Grey. She isn’t a dirty whore for rutting like a horny squirrel with Christian Grey every given second of the day because he was her true love. That is Ana’s disturbed reasoning as she is so judgemental to any woman who enjoys sex for sex sake as they are whores in her warped mind.

Beau says he understands which makes sense as he is always packing wood when Edythe is around. They stare at each other a bit longer until Edythe decides she wants to take him back to his truck the fast way. She asks him to climb on her back and Beau is just shocked as she is a puny woman! Oh, sorry, it’s because she is so small.

STORY TIME!

Whenever my man partner gets drunk he wants piggybacks all the time. I have honestly no idea why. After one New Years Eve and we were walking back and he leapt up and jumped on my back wanting a piggyback ride. When I threw him off he wanted to run races. Again, I have no idea why. We went to a beer festival so he was drunk and wanted a piggyback ride. I am pretty short and at the time was pretty thin and I carried him quite a distance from the bathroom to our table in a field to a round of applause. Yes, he does this when drunk but he has no issue with a woman giving him a piggyback ride as that is his strange drunken ritual and never felt that his masculinity was being compromised. Beau is trying to pretend that it is because she is so delicate and thin so therefore couldn’t carry his man weight even though he saw her ripping trees apart. He seems the type to buy SHARK PUNCH SHAMPOO as God forbid a man smells like a fruit.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 65

They travel at the speed of light and Beau is scared for some strange reason, I don’t even know or care. Edythe jokes that he looks whiter than her even though he is clearly disorientated. Isn’t she a sweetie.

Anyway, Edythe decides that she wants to try kissing even though it is more just her batting her stone cold dead lips on his for a few seconds. Pretty much how children make Ken and Barbie kiss. Hmm….sexy, not! Beau practically soils himself and grabs her face but Edythe has to run away so she won’t kill him. Granted this is a good obstacle for forbidden love as she feels for him but could kill him so that adds a danger element but we all know that it will only last a chapter as Meyer hates conflict.

Edythe praises herself for not killing him and then says that Beau is a horn-dog due to being human. REALLY?!? Do I need to remind you, Meyer, of Bella and Edward who forget they have a child as they can’t stop shagging in their cottage or Rosalie and Emmett who couldn’t stop having sex for a decade straight in which Bella said that she and Edward are worse. Vampires are like those rodents who shag themselves to death. Human issue, my arse!

Beau is wobbling all over the place after the tamest kiss ever so Edythe decides that she will drive him home as he is clearly drunk from love. No, it is because the blood has drained from his brain to his penis.

That is the end of the chapter!

Not much was changed from the chapter but I think we can all agree that there were some horrifying new additions. I am happy to have got the shameless wet dream chapter over with as that means we are closing in on the ‘plot’. Next up is a pointless chapter in which they talk some more and discuss vampire/human sex which fails completely.

Until next time!

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