I have been lagging with this recently, we have had a huge heatwave so I have been making the most of the sun and reading ‘The Lord of the Rings’ as it’s set reading for my masters. Also I have been avoiding this, as well, look at it! The meadow was infuriating and this chapter is just weird and stupid. Also it is just pure filler but we are getting close to the end and I really need to finish this by September. Off we go!

We start straight off the previous chapter and Edythe is driving Beau home. Edythe feels the need be a Negative Nancy as she can’t just say she likes fifties music but has to shit on the sixties, seventies and eighties. They aren’t just one category, there are very broad genres in each decade so I think she is just being a snot. She likes Classical music as she is more refined and therefore better than you humans who enjoyed the Jackson Five or the Beatles. Oh, Beau and therefore Meyer wanks over how perfect her voice is.

Beau asks her how old she is and she looks dramatically at the sunset and tells us her life story in which she died in 1918 from Spanish Flu. She says she doesn’t remember it well which when this was ‘Twilight’ then that was fine and understandable as it had been a long time. Now though, nope it doesn’t stick since ‘Breaking Dawn’ and the guide have been published. Bella explicitly states after she is turned that she made a conscious effort to remember her human life with Edward (fuck friends and family) and boasts how it took her less than a second to cement those memories in her brain forever as she has a super vampire brain now. So this now looks callous and awful of Edythe rather than understandable. She clearly chose to forget her parents, especially her mother who begged Carine to save her daughter’s life by any means necessary. The mother who lavished Edythe with love and attention which looks even worse considering ‘Breaking Dawn’ is a giant ode to motherhood. Edythe chose to leave her mother behind in the muddy memories of humanity rather than keep her permanently in her mind and memories. It’s almost like Edythe saw that she was now an awesome vampire and had entered a higher existence so chose to forget the lowly past of humanity which means goodbye parents. I know Meyer probably did not think about this as she doesn’t think at all about implications of what she writes but this just makes Edythe look even more awful due to lazy writing.

She notes that she remembers the transformation which makes sense and wanks over how amazing Carine is for being able to bite Edythe. Once again, ‘Breaking Dawn’ ruined this amazing skill considering all Edward did was dribble into a syringe and inject Bella. This just makes Carine look like a goddamn moron now, especially as she is a damn doctor so has access to syringes. It’s amazing how much cannon that book destroyed.

We have the same crap of how Carine was lonely so bit Edythe for her own selfish needs especially as I am sure Edythe believes she has no soul too and is damned. We now have the name of Man Esme which is Earnest. I have no complaints there as that fits the time period. Carine will be discussed later. They then run through the rest of the Cullens and we have an added line which when used for Rosalie is just sick and that’s about how she was turned after being gang raped to death and presented as a concubine to Edward. That is beyond sick but we must look at it from the view of Royal now who had a different attack. Trust me, it is so beyond idiotic and when I asked my Dad for historical advice he just boggled at the stupidity but we can’t discuss it here as it comes later but there will be so many words!

Then she comments on Eleanor’s transformation and how she was mauled by a bear. Our insightful and intelligent protagonists asks if she made it.

NAW!! YOU THINK!!!

Fucking moron.

Then she wanks over the awesome of Archie and Jessamine about how they developed a conscience. Well, no as the other books kind of destroy that. Yes, Jasper was bummed out due to the death screams of the people he brutally murdered but it was Alice that forced him into this lifestyle as he wants her to put out. He has thought many times about how he would go back to eating people and how he wanted to do that just give them the tiniest power boost for the new born army battle. Jasper is only an animal eater to make Alice happy, I am certain he would change his mind if she did. So I am certain that Jessamine is exactly the same.

Then we have Alice who is a total slave to her visions. She had almighty tantrums in ‘Midnight Sun’ as she saw Bella as a vampire or dead and she had to have her way as she doesn’t like to be wrong about her visions. Alice woke up and saw her future with the Cullens and their diet with Jasper so she went with that outcome as she hates to be wrong. I’m sure that if she woke up and saw herself slaughtering the population of Manhattan then she would do it. It’s nothing about a conscience but proving her visions are correct as she is a brat and wants her way. She would completely change her mind if she saw her and Jasper frolicking through a field of corpses that she and Jasper had murdered. Archie is exactly the same. These statements now fail because we have seen these atrocious people for 4.5 books now.

Edythe then explains how Archie can see the future and it’s the same crap as the original. She then talks about how people eating vampires are nomads whereas they can settle in one place and interact with humans. Well, they barely interact with humans as they view them as beneath them and they only settle for four to five years at a time so they are nomads but just have a house and sofa instead.

They discuss walking around in the day due to sparkles and Beau thinks that this is where the myth comes from in terms of why they can’t be in the sun. Edythe agrees which is now stupid as she knows exactly where that myth is from and that’s the Volturi as they spread false myths around so real vampires aren’t easily detected. How, I know that she knows this? She explicitly tells Beau this later on in the book! Editing and consistency are friends! USE THEM!

They then marvel over how awesome Archie is for not being a savage people eater. Beau invites Edythe in to his home and manages to shit on his dad and wank over Edythe:

“I couldn’t picture it, a goddess sitting in my dad’s shabby kitchen chair.”

Oh barf! That is vile and stop being an arsehole to your Dad. Edythe starts rooting around his cupboards which is damn rude, Beau ponders this as it’s like she has been here before.

SHE IS STALKING YOU!! HOW IS THIS NOT PENETRATING YOUR THICK SKULL!!!

Beau starts eating scorching lasagne and asks an interesting question about whether or not Edythe misses food. I think that is fair as when you think of it Edythe just drinks blood to survive, not even yummy people blood but unappealing animal blood. She drinks it for need and not enjoyment. She no longer has the joy of having different flavours and textures anymore or the pleasure of eating an elaborate meal for a special occasion and she will never have the fun of trying something new and loving it. This would be a genuine downside of vampirism as you no longer have the creativity of food anymore but are just drinking to live.

PAHAHA!!! Did any of us really think there would be a downfall to vampirism? Yeah right:

“She shook her head. “I hardly remember food. I couldn’t even tell you what my favourites were. It doesn’t smell… edible now.””

So she clearly chose to forget all of her human life, if she had a traumatic one then fine but she was a pampered little princess so no. She decided it wasn’t worth remembering and didn’t. That second line could have been a really interesting topic, she could smell something that she used to love but it no longer smells edible which is a small but stark reminder of everything she lost when she turned.

Nope, she just forgot as there can be no downsides to becoming an abomination. Beau even asks her if there is anything she misses about being human. Remember, this all new so Meyer isn’t just changing pronouns and she is still forgetting or ignoring what she set up about vampirism. It’s sloppy! Edythe says no as she doesn’t remember anything, I have already ranted but this here just makes Edythe look awful as she couldn’t be bothered to take a whole second to remember her family and Meyer look stupid. Carine remembers her life!! Time is no damn excuse as Carine is much older, the is just proof that Edythe is a deplorable person.

Edythe says there is one downside to vampirism and that’s not sleeping. I’m sure that will be temporary as I think we know Beau will become a vampire so we know thanks to Bella and Edward that they will spend all night banging away like horny rats which they will think is better than sleep. Beau asks her what her nightly routine is and she confesses that she stares at him while he sleeps.

IMG_0303

(That’s my cat who loves to stare at my dog while she sleeps)

Beau is horrified for all the wrong reasons, like Bella is as Oh Noes! He may have said something embarrassing in his sleep.

Twilight

He really needs to sort out his priorities.

Anyway, apparently he goes on about how he misses his mother (doubtful) and how much he loves Edythe. People don’t say this shit when they sleep talk. I sleep talk a lot and the nonsense that comes out my mouth such as declaring that Rudolph is actually a rabbit and how I had 10,000 pork steaks in a sack. People usually talk utter crap in their sleep and I know it’s not just me. My man partner woke me up one night by going on about this great red tower, as I was now awake I wanted to know more and asked him about it. The bastard just whispered that it was a secret and started snoring. I wanted to know!!

Charlie comes home and Beau basically calls him a shabby pig as he blends in well with his crappy furniture. What an arsehole. Charlie for some strange reason becomes fascinated with the idea of Beau’s love life and suggests he dates McKayla and then goes on about dating other girls. It was completely out of nowhere but it was all for Beau to mentally wank over how he has the most perfect girl so why would he settle for this lowly human girls. Beau has taste, bitches.

Beau decides to act as suspicious as possible as he yawns loudly and declares he is off to bed and drags his feet as slowly as possible. He comments that his Dad looks dejected over the fact that his son can’t stand to be in the same room as him but Beau doesn’t give a flying shit and leaves anyway.

Beau wanders into his room and spots Edythe there; he is so shocked that his heart hurts. Errm… why? He knows she has been staring at him all night for months. Instead of saying he needs a few minutes, Beau for some strange reason says he needs a human minute so he can get changed and washed. I’m sure vampires wash too, especially if they are wrestling terrified animals in the dirt all the time, I doubt they stay magically clean when covered in mud and blood.

Shockingly enough, while Beau is changing he comments on his shirt he wears to bed which is from a BBQ place he liked in Phoenix. It’s not much but it is more personality than Bella. He hand-waves his outfit as Edythe knows what he wears from her frequent stalking. He is so blasé about this! I would be horrified but I don’t see the point of harping on about this as it has been discussed to death. We know it’s creepy and disturbing so there isn’t much else I can add.

Charlie bumps into Beau on the landing and once again Beau acts suspiciously by exclaiming loudly that he is so going to bed. I think this is to show what a bad liar he is but this is the only instance as he lies all the time and gets away with it.

Edythe for some strange reason has to pick on his shirt which is a pig smiling in between two buns and asking if the pig should look so happy to be food. Well, I don’t know Edythe, how about you ask Bambi the next time you slaughter a deer with your bare hands.

Edythe then snuggles up to Beau and for some reason all her bloodlust over his blood has gone. As we know it’s because she decided she would just think herself out of her blood lust. Yes, with addiction your mind has to be ready to give up your vice but it’s not exactly that easy. You don’t think yourself over it and suddenly you are. If that was true, then we wouldn’t have so many relapsed heroin users. This just shows how sheltered Meyer is as she has no idea what true addiction is like, you don’t have to experience it yourself to see it but she is stupid. Meyer has explicitly said that human blood is an addiction, that is not something you just get over because you feel like it otherwise we wouldn’t have drug, alcohol, nicotine and caffeine addicts. Edythe hand waves murder by saying she has decided not to now as that’s how addiction works. Well isn’t that lovely, so it’s not insane blood lust but deciding. I hate this book. Beau says that is sounds easy but Edythe tells him that is so not easy even though what she just said completely contradicts that.

Next Edythe wraps Beau in a full body blanket condom as skin touching is a no no when you are not married which we learnt in ‘Eclipse’ and ‘Breaking Dawn’. Edythe then bangs on about how powerful the emotion of jealousy is and how she wanted to shit a brick when McKayla asked him to the dance. She describes fury and again judging by ‘Midnight Sun’ I am sure Edythe wanted to crush McKayla’s skull just like Edward. That is just abusive and possessive. Once, again I discussed this at length with ‘Grey’ but let’s do it again! Why, because it is gender flipped now!

I explained in full that it is not romantic or love when your partner descends into foaming mouthed gorilla territory because someone else has interest in them. It is abusive and possessive because they therefore do not trust you. Insane jealousy is not romantic. Too many romances show this trope but it always the man lapsing into a fit. Now the main topic of conversation as now is the time to do it as we know the humans who love Beau are gone now and we don’t have a gender flipped ‘New Moon’ and beyond to discuss this. However, I am sure Edythe would be just as possessive and vile as Edward was. It needs to be discussed as when you look up signs of mental abuse in couples then it is always “How does your friend dress like? Has SHE changed?” It is almost always SHE because it is seen as a male trait to be possessive and therefore abusive. How about when it’s women doing this? How is it portrayed? Well there is now a worrying trend that girlfriends who are possessive and jealous are deemed as cute, crazy teehee and adorably possessive. Observe:

Amazing Qualities You Only Possess if You’re a Jealous Girlfriend

https://www.buzzfeed.com/essencegant/21-amazing-qualities-you-only-possess-if-youre-a-jealous-gir?utm_term=.wkRBRK5385#.mu5W7MqLNq

There are so many more articles like this on Buzzfeed. It is seen as cute and loving. Well it is not cute. It’s damn well abusive and it is no wonder why men do not come forward more often to report to mental abuse. Reverse the gender in that article and it would be flagged as abusive. I am sick of this trend and sadly many probably wouldn’t think Edythe as abusive but if we go via Edward cannon where he is accused of abusive constantly then Edythe is just as guilty. Edythe is describing the fury and hatred she felt due to jealousy. It is not OK! This has to stop; women abuse men too. Men are not weak and pathetic if they are mentally and physically abused as it does happen. I have seen it where it is brushed off as he is a guy but if you went through the warning signs then it would fit. Edythe is just as a bad as Edward, we have already seen insane jealousy, and stalking. Luckily we don’t see some of the worst due to not having gender flipped ‘New Moon’, ‘Eclipse’ and ‘Breaking Dawn’ but remember that it could happen and flip Edward’s disgusting behaviour where he dismantled Bella’s engine to stop her seeing Jacob. Now imagine it was Edythe. We may not see the worse but it’s there and gender does not change abuse.

Abuse is abuse!

Anyway, Edythe goes on about how happy she was when stalking Beau when he mentioned her name. She then goes on about how awful McKayla is which is totally unnecessary and reiterates my point. Apparently these are all human feelings. Again I really don’t think many humans fantasise about smashing a love rival’s skull into fragments with their bare hands. Anyway, even if they did they probably couldn’t but a vampire could so it’s deadly serious. Also don’t blame this on human emotions as we know from Bella that vampire emotions are 1000% stronger so this is just her psychotic mentally surfacing but blaming it on humanity.

I HATE THIS BOOK!!

Beau for some reason goes on about how Royal was meant for Edythe and how can he compete with his rock hard abs.

*Heavy Breathing*

PEOPLE AREN’T FUCKING PROPERTY!!!!!

Edythe rushes in to reassure Beau that Royal is the property of Eleanor and even so that wouldn’t matter as Beau is so much better. Then Edythe says this:

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours …all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”

Blergh! So you aren’t complete unless you have found a love interest. I loathe the phrase ‘other half’ as that suggests that you aren’t complete as a person without a love interest. Shockingly, people can be happy when single. You aren’t any less of a person without a partner.

Edythe asks if Beau turning his back on humanity is worth it? Well, yes as he thinks humans suck just like Bella. I wonder if this is an odd throwback to ‘Breaking Dawn’ when Edward all of sudden laments about taking away Bella’s ability for babies on their wedding night even though she had never shown the slightest interest in them before. I think my suspicions are confirmed because Beau says no and she says not yet. I think she worries about Beau not spreading his wangsty seed everywhere. All I can say is thank goodness! We don’t need another Renesmee.

Charlie decides to check on his boring son and then Edythe asks Beau if she would like it if she sang him to sleep. EW! It was creepy in ‘Twilight’ and it is still creepy now. Beau says he doesn’t want to sleep so Edythe wants to know what he would like to do. I am pretty sure he wants sex. Why? Well:

“Honestly? A lot of things. None of them careful.”

As he can’t sex her up for reasons that we shall see, Beau asks her why she bothers not murdering people as it seems like such effort. If this is Beau/Bella’s reasoning, then I am still shocked she had super/stupid self-control as she/he doesn’t seem to give a shit about murder. He honestly says he doesn’t see why she bothers. Hunny, sweetie pie, it’s pretty simple:

MURDER IS WRONG!!!

I don’t want any arguments about how it’s no different to meat eaters. Humans are sapient which means they can reason, this is why it is frowned upon to eat dolphins and apes as they are very similar in terms of sapience. Vampires murder people with family, hopes and dreams for a quick fix. Also Beau shows what a sociopath he is as he doesn’t care about murder. Well, it’s not like it’s anybody he knows (Bella’s attitude).

Edythe goes on about how they do, because they want to retain their humanity. You could also say murder is wrong as that is pretty simple. They then go on about powers but it’s the same shit.

We then have new crap of Edythe pondering where vampires come from. She said maybe evolution or creation and how it is easy to imagine a creator creating vampires as they created sharks as well as seals.

FAIL!!

We know Meyer considers her vampires as scientific (I don’t even know) but she fails at science in evolution terms. The shark or orca are not unstoppable predators. Every predator has a weakness as nature doesn’t create super charged predators. Seals can escape sharks and orcas. Antelope escape cheetahs many times due to the stamina of the cheetah. Vampires have no weaknesses so therefore impossible in evolution terms. If it’s creation by God, then that has some very dodgy implications. God created man to be the pinnacle so why would God create a predator who outright murders these humans but they have no chance to stop it. That’s the Christian God but the Jewish and Islamic Gods would be the same. Basically this fails beyond all reason. There are also many uncomfortable implications in these books that vampires are compared to angels and a higher plain of existence, even Carlisle is described in God-like descriptions. I very much doubt any God would condone out right murder for desire as we have seen from Bella that vampire thirst is merely an “Ow”.

We then have a strange throwback to ‘Breaking Dawn’:

“We have tomorrow, and the next day and then next….”

Doesn’t that sound like:

“”Forever and forever and forever,” he murmured.”

Beau is now in heat and decides to ask Edythe if she can go into heat like a horny cat. That took one sentence, Beau takes a page. He does say he is super aware of his circularity system which clearly means he has a raging boner. He also has to say how she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. So yes, he wants to bang Edythe but won’t say it. Then I was shocked:

“She laughed again. Are you asking me about sex, Beau?”

I’m shocked as she said sex. Wow, Meyer look how you have grown.

“Sex and Vampires One-Oh-One, We all started out human, Beau, and most of those human desires are still there – just obscured by more powerful desires.”

Right so all the crap Edward gave about humans and hormones and you are still doing the same by implying we are just horny little ferrets and therefore inferior. PAHAHA!!! It is explicitly said that Rosalie and Emmett banged non-stop for ten years!!! She then said vampires form stronger bonds as they are better. Ergh!

Next up is Edythe saying she can’t have sex with Beau as he is a delicate snowflake and she would kill him. We had this issue with Bella and Edward but it is worse here. Let’s talk about sex!

• If they stick with good old fashioned missionary then yes, I could buy the danger angle as she could go for his throat easily while he was ploughing it into her.
• THERE ARE OTHER POSITIONS! The films proved this with Bella riding Edward cowgirl style. Beau and Edythe could go for doggy as he would be in control and she has no access to veins. There are other positions for sex and if anything it is easier with a human man as they are usually able to adapt more to different positions as they have the penis.
• We know this is stupid as Edward went on about how dangerous it was but when he put a ring on it then it was all good. He was willing to slip it into to Bella and she loved it!
• It would be impossible for them to have sex anyway as Edythe is ice cold. Little Beau would shrink faster than you could blink. I don’t think his warm and erect penis would last in an ice cold cavass.

She says that when he is giving her one then she could crush his skull when she was meant to stroke his face. DOGGY STYLE!!! My God, it is not that hard. Go on Amazon and get a sex book, please!!

I have to admit that I have no idea who is talking now as there are no person tags for the stream of dialogue but I am sure it has to be Edythe speaking:

“Do you have any experience with sex and humans?”

Naw, he prefers donkey sex!

Why was humans even there? I think if Beau is going to have sex then it would be with a human rather than a goat. Well, I hope. That’s why I was confused as it is a weird phrase. It must be Beau though as he blushes.

They then go on about how their love is more special than human love as they will sex each other up out of love rather than lust. *Slow Clap* That does not make your vampires special as we humans are not constant horny ducks who just shag constantly. Again, this is rich considering Bella forgets she has a child due to her raging horn and how she wants to shag Edward then and there when the pivotal moment of Charlie coming to see Bella post vampirism for the first time. From what we have seen, vampires are far worse when it comes to sex.

Edythe then goes on about his eyes and twitching again as she describes them as a sky without clouds and I keep thinking of chocolate brown. Oh Jesus Christ! Apparently Beau has ten admirers. Yes, this is not as extreme as Bella who had the whole school plus teachers. Ergh, but it is still disgusting.

Then I am freaked out as Edythe wanks over Beau’s arms which seems very strange. Why arms? Anyway, Edythe goes on about how wonderful Beau is and I want to throw up. She then sings him a lullaby.

THE END!!

Thank God!! That was awful, there was so much fail in that chapter but no counts. I missed them. I am sorry for the length but it needed to be done. Next time, we get to see the Cullens which is pointless but we are getting close to the end.

YAY!!!

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