Last chapter consisted of just talking and it was dull and horrifying which is actually pretty impressive. This time we get to meet the Cullens officially and as Meyer thinks everything she wrote with them is perfect then I suspect a lot of copy and pasting but as we have learnt by now that doesn’t mean there will be nothing stupid and/or horrifying.

Beau wakes up and Edythe has to tell him how awesome he is as his hair is perfect. She says all this in his rocking chair which creeps me out. I can just imagine her breathing heavily while rubbing her thighs when she watches him sleep while sinisterly rocking in that chair slowly. *Shudder* Considering everything she writes is unicorns and rainbows as nothing bad happens to these people she has a unique ability to scare the crap out of me with her creepy and psychotic characters.

Beau for some strange reason sinks to his knees to stroke Edythe’s face. I swear to God; this man is so close to sacrificing a chicken in honour of this woman. Edythe mentions that Charlie has already left as God forbid they are inconvenienced in any way. Beau then utters this utterly bizarre line:

“He’d be gone all day. So it was just me and Edythe, in an empty house, with no need to go anywhere. So much time. I felt like some crazy old miser, gloating over his piles of gold coins, only instead of coins, it was seconds that I hoarded.”

First image I got was this:

scrooge_mcduck-e1334907919275

That is such a bizarre statement to make over time and even though it says the gold represents time I am still convinced he means Edythe as well. Ownership is love, yo! Also, he is clearly thinking with his pecker. You know he is after their talk last night.

Beau is all devastated that Edythe left for ten minutes to change while he was asleep as he is a clingy piss-ant. Edythe then gets all doe eyed as Beau said he loved her in between his snores and drooling. I went into this last chapter so no point again but people don’t say this shit in their sleep. They then just stare at each other and say how much they love each other and how they are each other’s lives now as hobbies, friends and family are null and void when it comes to love. I will never understand this attitude. When I love someone romantically I don’t want to see their face all the time as familiarity breeds contempt, I guess it’s because I don’t have a Twu Wuv. Oh Noes! Na, I still don’t care as that would drive me bat shit crazy. Next up is more humanity bashing as Beau’s stomach rumbles:

“Humanity is so overrated”

Why?! Because you need to feed? That is just stupid and I hate your whining.

WAHHHH!!! 69

Wow, haven’t seen him complain in a while. I think it’s because he has been too busy staring at Edythe to whine as his brain can’t do two things at once. Beau acts like a tit and pretends to grab his throat and Edythe just glares at him as she hates whimsy. Beau goes off to get changed and then promptly creeps me out again:

“I did think to grab a pullover, so she wouldn’t worry about me getting cold.”

I know it sounds innocent but with all the stuff of Edward and Edythe treating them like children then it just creeps me out to no end. Beau enters the kitchen and asks Edythe what she will be making for him even though she says food smells rank to her now and well it is his damn kitchen. Make it yourself, you swine!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 66

Beau starts eating his cereal like a savage and Beau asks Edythe what she would like to do today. She does say she has an idea if he is up for it but Beau as he is a mindless golem due to love says he will like it no matter what. Anyway, Edythe asks if he would like to meet her family today. Beau starts choking and once he is OK, Edythe feels the need to scold him as it made her nervous. SHUT UP!! People don’t choke on purpose, you stupid chicken.

Beau ponders this for a while and for some stupid reason Edythe gets off on the fact that she thinks she has finally scared him. Why on earth does she want to scare him? It is not because she wants him to leave as she will just stalk him anyway. Then for some strange reason Beau thinks there will be a fight between Royal and Edythe, this is just destroying the statements that the Cullens are such a loving family. They clearly only tolerate each other for survival.

Edythe mentions that Archie has already seen that they may pop over and for some reason this makes Beau go all coy like a Bennett sister. He is worried about what Archie may have seen last night. WHY!?! YOU DID NOTHING!?! He makes it sound like that they shagged on the floor for hours on end. All they did was cuddle, well kind of. Beau has the maturity of a seven-year-old.

Once, again Meyer does not think about what she is writing as she makes a tasteless joke about how the Cullens were taking bets on whether Edythe would kill him. How is that funny?! It’s murder and would affect many people but all they think about is taking bets as it hilarious. These people are psychotic and if this was a horror story then kudos to the author but I am meant to aspire to be one of these awful things. I still have no idea why they drink animal blood as they clearly don’t give a flying shit about human lives. You could argue that they were always like this, even as humans but we know they weren’t from the guide. In the guide they are all fairly decent people who met horrific ends but none of them show any inkling to this level of sociopathy. The venom clearly warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic monster who doesn’t care about murder and actively finds it funny. It has nothing to do with them being a top predator as I think most of us find animal cruelty sickening and would not find it funny. Those who do find animal cruelty funny are usually those who are sociopathic and psychotic. So them being a predator is no excuse, they are just horrible people.

Beau agrees to go to their house which shows how stupid he considering he knows that these people don’t care about whether he lives or dies. Edythe then demands that Beau introduces her to Charlie as his girlfriend. Beau has decided that he hasn’t been pathetic enough so whines that girlfriend doesn’t sound enough to describe their epic love that is better than yours! It’s been a few days, Beau. Calm the fuck down.

They then go on about how they want to be together forever and ever as their love is just so great. Well, Beau says that and Edythe looks bummed out which makes me think that Beau has definitely decided that he wants to be a vampire as mortality is an issue here when it comes to forever, especially when one is immortal.

Next Edythe grabs his face and lightly touched her cold dead lips to his which I am sure makes all of Beau’s blood flood into his penis as he then faints. He explains that he forgot to breathe, no one forgets to breathe you moron. This was stupid in the original and it is stupid here but can’t slam it as it is not a mistake but because Meyer loves this scene as she herself is a moron.

They then drive to a Casa de Cullen and it is still the great stone Georgian style monstrosity that it was before. How on earth was this able to be built in a National and therefore government owned forest? It’s like that stupid arse stone cottage which shouldn’t exist in ‘Breaking Dawn’, these are just giant pimples in a National Forest. They go on and Meyer fails again by implying that this awful thing is old as it has had renovations such as a massive window taking over one side of the house. There is no way an old mansion would just be plonked in a forest, especially as the land would have been inhabited by loggers who built with wood. Old mansions are in inhabited places like towns so the rich can show off how much money they have. But let’s say for arguments sake that is was for reasons then what the hell is Earnest doing!?! Just like Esme, he has no taste and loves destroying historic buildings. I just hope to God; they don’t go to Rome as he would probably paint over the Sistine Chapel with a nice Egyptian Cotton matt paint.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 30

They spot Carine and Earnest but we also need to be reminded that the Cullens have money and no concept of colour as Beau observes a huge white grand piano. Moving on! Beau gets a boner for Edythe’s mum which is creepy and observes how kind Earnest looks. I am sure he is as much of a doormat as Esme was who does nothing but hums and cuddles her babies after they brutally murdered someone.

They take forever to say hello and Beau says how he feels part of the family within two seconds, he is clearly plotting it. Archie then squees with delight and shouts out “Edy!” which is an odd nickname for Edythe due to the length of her name and the syllables. Edward maybe be two but Edy does sound like a nickname whereas it just sounds weird here.

Archie still comes across as much of a twee little twit that Alice was, so Meyer needs to man it up by giving Beau a one armed bro-hug. She really says that, and I am sure they made sure that their testicles aren’t touching as that would mean they are gay now. Meyer loves to use the term bro whenever there is any sort of male closeness as if she is terrified that they will seem effeminate and therefore gay. Men can hug other men, it’s not weird and it is normal but adding the word “bro” just sounds like Beau is trying to protect his fragile masculinity. Once again it’s like the insane products you see like MAN HAND SOAP FOR MEN!! GRRR MEN!!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 67

Beau is shocked to think that Archie already likes him, it is because he is a slave to his visions and saw you as friends so BAM you are now. That’s because relationship building is hard work and Meyer doesn’t have time for that. Archie tells Beau that he smells yummy as we must bow to the awesome of Beau! Also, that is so inappropriate as Beau doesn’t know who made the bets for his death and he knows his smell made Edythe almost eat him. Not funny!!

Jessamine decides to lit up a magical spliff as Beau now feels all serene and relaxed. That gift is creepy. She then just stares at him and says hello which Beau wanks over as everyone is so welcoming. They are just saying hello, calm down. Edythe and Carine stare dramatically at each other so Beau decides that it has been a while since he has slated his mother:

“I was going to buy a grand piano for my mother. She wasn’t really good.”

Why was that even unnecessary? They then marvel over Edythe’s awesome and Daddy Earnest creeps me out as much as Mummy Esme by chiding someone older than him for showing off but still glows with pride. It creeps me out it seems with Esme that she is so obsessed with babies and children that she is incapable of not wrapping up her adult surrogate vampires with blankets and singing at them.

Well, Edythe starts playing and everyone marvels over her awesome as she is the greatest piano player that ever played. I just can’t get excited as these people are always too good so the surprise is completely gone. Edythe then plays Beau’s lullaby and I am creeped out again as lullabies are for babies and small children, not lovers. Blergh! This whole chapter is creeping me out.

Meyer decides that the introductions were enough character building for one day so all the Cullens disappear to give them privacy. That is stupid as surely they want to get to know the guy that could put their entire family in danger but also to see if the guy their favourite child (she so is) is dating is good enough for her. Edythe blathers on about how Earnest loves him which again is stupid as they exchanged a few sentences together which was nothing more than polite conversation.

Even though everyone bows down and worships Beau, he still has to whine because Royal is the only one who won’t. I don’t know why he cares so much. Edythe explains that he is jealous as he wants to be human.

WAHHHH!!! 70

Then we get this stupidity as to why Earnest thinks Beau is the greatest:

“Earnest probably wouldn’t care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time he’s been worrying about me, afraid I was too young when Carine changed me, that there was something missing from my essential makeup.”

You hear that everyone! If you don’t find your true love immediately or have no interest in romance, then there is something wrong with you. It’s not your choice to not pursue that, it is actually because there is something missing from your brain. How lovely! I wonder how Earnest would feel if Edythe came home with McKayla instead? Probably burst into flames.

I am so slamming it with a sexist point as it’s now worse as it’s Edythe as so many women get this attitude as they get older. Think about it women who never marry get slammed with the term spinster which is unflattering and usually makes people think of Miss Havisham. Whereas men carry the label of bachelor which has none of those bad connotations of an unloved shrew who will die alone and be eaten by her thousands of cats as they are the only ones who loved her.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 68

Meyer decides to hint at the climax but it doesn’t come across as subtle, it comes across as:

ARCHIE SAID MAN EATING VAMPIRES ARE AROUND BUT WE WON’T SEE THEM, NOPE, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM EVER AS THEY WILL GO ELSEWHERE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

ducky

Yeah, they so won’t meet these people eating vampires at the end of the day. It makes it even more stupid now as we know the plot. Edythe explains that Carine will ask them to hunt elsewhere due to their reputation, nothing about the blatant murder of human beings. These people are awful.

They stroll around the house and Beau spots a huge cross on the wall decides that because it looks old means it must be valuable. Just like Bella, Beau only sees the price tag rather than the historical significance as he is a classless bore.

We will now enter historical fail time!

Edythe explains that it was Carine’s father’s cross and that she was born in 1640 in London. She comments that it could have been another date as the peasant folk didn’t have a sense of time. Well, actually you would find that they did as the Gregorian calendar was in full use by the 1500s.

I get the impression that Meyer, due to and no offense to any Americans out there but due to Meyer’s stupidity probably just thinks Oh! that’s old as taught American history is a lot shorter than Europe’s due to people ignoring the Native Americans. I think Meyer thinks that the 1640s is like super old and therefore confuses the Stuart period with Medieval which it is not by any means. There are arguments about when the Early Modern Era starts, some historians say 1492 with the discovery of the Americas or 1533 with the dissolution of the Catholic church under Henry VIII. The Stuart era was hardly Medieval due to the advances in science, understanding and the experiences of becoming more global by conquering people.

She says that he was an Anglican Pastor but he would be far more likely to have been known as Protestant Vicar so once again this is a history fail. He believed in witches, vampires and werewolves and went out on little hunting parties. Edythe states that a lot of innocent people were burnt at the stake (no shit).

Well once again, Meyer fails her history as yes, witch persecutions were still going on but in England, however, this was dying out by 1663 when Carine was turned but when they did execute those accused then they preferred to hang them first. Burning witches in the 1600s was wide spread in German speaking countries and Scotland but not in England. So, we have another fail.

But it’s not just witches! There are also vampires but once again, vampire myth wasn’t a huge thing in England. Most of the myths for vampires in that era were from Eastern Europe. The vampire myth was very common there but not so much in England. The vampire myth became popular in the late 1700s when Gothic literature emerged. Witches were the big deal in the Stuart Era for persecution which again was already dying out. I think she is using her American centric history here as witch persecutions did continue for longer when we in England were pretty much over it. I guess we could say that her father was just a lunatic who continued to believe but I call fail.

Carine believed in science apparently which I find odd as she shouldn’t have been taught this if she was a vicar’s daughter. She was not of the higher classes where they were educated but in languages rather than science. She should not have this knowledge or understanding as it’s not like she could just walk into a newsagents and subscribe to National Geographic. She wanted him to look at true evidence but what true evidence? Where on earth would she learn what the true evidence is? Maybe, to look at the reasons why these people couldn’t be witches but she would have been raised with these superstitions and to most they were more than that. They were fact and widely believed. Her father clearly believed it and scoffed at her science knowledge so where on earth did she learn the sciences?! I know it is Meyer trying to make Carine look more awesome but it doesn’t as it just doesn’t make any sense.

Carine’s father finds some vampires in the mythical sewers of Stuart London. Also, why would they live in these mythical sewers? These are super-charged Meyer Vampires, why are they hiding away from humans that they can easily kill and living like rats. Edythe feels the need to stamp on humanity by commenting that as if these vampires would flee in fear from pathetic humans who have pathetic weapons. Well then, why are living like rats in a mythical sewer?! However, Carine was at home so how would she know that they waited at one end with weapons and tried to smoke them out. She would have no idea that they fled as when he got home, they were confronted by a vampire. It’s not described like that as this is:

STORY TIME!

She is holding my hand through this and it’s annoying. There are so many dramatic pauses and so many: “oooo who could it be in the house.” Edythe has to pause Carine’s terror as even though the guy was dressed as a beggar he was pretty. Thanks for that, we really needed to pause this dramatic tale of drama to remind us that vampires are pretty.

This vampire speaks Latin as he is better than humans but what do you know! Carine speaks Latin too, which again is unusual as there are two types of Latin: Roman and Medieval (specifically church). Medieval Latin which is primarily used for scholarship learning of the church and is rarely spoken. For another dose of fail, Medieval Latin was used in the Catholic Church which is a huge no no in Protestant England. It would seem very unlikely that a Protestant vicar would teach his daughter this, it also would be unlikely he would know it well. He would have had the King James version of the Bible which was published in 1611 and was translated into English. I would say we are in 1663 now as Carlisle so therefore Carine turned at age 23. So Let’s be generous due to life expectancy and say that her father is fifty years old even then he would have been born two years after the King James Bible was published. He would have no reason to learn Latin for Biblical study as he has his new shiny Bible. So let’s go for Roman Latin, Carine would have absolutely no reason or the means to learn this and where would she learn it? This is just Meyer wanking over how refined her vampires and Carine are.

Then we get all Soap Opera with Carine’s Dad throwing himself on the vampire. They talk as if they are in a day time soap opera with the vampire declaring:

“Go to hell knowing this – that what you love will become all you hate.”

Do you want some cheese with that ham?

I almost expected him to start laughing while twirling his moustache. He then bites Carine and tortures the vicar while she watches and it’s all very dramatic. Funny how Carine remembers all this but Edythe who is much younger remembers fuck all.

Anyway! That is the end of that awful chapter. Next time is Edythe and Beau talking some more which is always thrilling but at least the climax is inching closer.

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