Last time, we had Edythe shitting on nurses and proving what a deranged demon she is. I can really see why this is lauded as the most romantic series EVER!! This is the chapter where a dramatic plot point comes in which heralds the upcoming climax. Normally we would be excited, but we aren’t as we know it’s dull and stupid.

Back to our story! Edythe is driving Beau home and she is having a shit fit as the Blacks have dared come to visit Charlie and Beau. Gawd, can’t they see that Beau wants to frolic with vampires. They want to warn Charlie which is understandable as they are concerned that Edythe is breaking the rules of the treaty and they just want to protect human life. They understandably don’t trust the Cullens as they just don’t trust vampires in general which is fair after a few of these things tried to commit genocide on their tribe. Edythe is just a pissy brat who thinks she is better than everyone and how dare the tribe be concerned that she may murder Beau which is something she has continually said could happen.

Edythe has to be a patronising and creepy bitch by calling Jules a child, Beau says that she isn’t much younger than him which makes Edythe smirk while she agrees. First up with Jules, how patronising is that?! Edythe shows utter contempt for anyone who isn’t Beau or vampires. I am so grateful that I won’t be reading Edythe’s version of werewolf racism with the constant insults. Secondly, what the hell is that!? Is she saying that she views Beau as a child as she is so much older and with that I must say EW!! We have enough pedo messages and relationships in this series and we really don’t need any more especially when she sings him to sleep. I’m officially creeped out again.

Edythe finally leaves but she still has to be a bitch about it. I honestly wonder how fans reacted to this as they are not swooning as their love interest has swapped genders and the demographic is largely heterosexual, so do they now see what an arsehole Edward/Edythe is. They no longer have the dreamy hunk to drool over which makes them forget the pyschosis but have this stereotypical mean girl who is beautiful and has utter contempt for anyone that she deems beneath her. Edythe is showing herself as what Meyer is meant to hate and punishes which is Lauren Mallory, most of those fans hate those type of girls but Edythe is showing herself up to be exactly that. I wonder if they finally saw what antis have said for years that Edward is an abusive and horrible bastard.

Which then makes you wonder how they see Beau. Do they see him as the guys they don’t like because he shuns and insults the ordinary and unassuming girls and goes straight for the most beautiful and richest girl? That was the point of the original in which the unassuming and mousy brunette snares the hottest guy. That was the fantasy for the demographic and one they could step into, instead they see the guy fob them off for the beautiful mean girl. Doesn’t exactly sound like the sort of fantasy that they want to live through does it? But who knows! The message boards are pretty lacklustre for this book so I couldn’t tell you but you do wonder.

Beau feels the need to whine about introducing Charlie to Edythe as she is just so beautiful for his dull and hideous life. He greets Bonnie and Jules but only slightly cheerful as Oh noes! What will they say?! Beau makes an arse out of himself by saying Charlie has found a new fishing spot which Bonnie can’t go too as it’s super duper secret. Beau being the rude snot he is as he acknowledges it, basically tells Bonnie that Charlie will be a while so they may as well leave.

Bonnie tells him that the Cullens have an unpleasant reputation on the reservation which seems fair to me as they are murderers. Beau has to be an arsehole and says he so does know but that the reputation isn’t deserved as they never step on the reservation. Beau is such a sociopath that he thinks everyone thinks the same as him. So what if they don’t come to their land they still care about other people and not just the people they know. The Cullens are murderers and Beau knows that! He is showing himself to be as selfish as Bella as he doesn’t care if they kill someone he doesn’t know and expects everyone else to feel the same. Well guess what, we don’t. I may have not known anyone in the recent terror attacks or the London fire but I feel sympathy, sorrow and heartache for those people. Beau wouldn’t as he doesn’t know them. Sociopath!

Bonnie completely crumbles when Beau says he knows the Cullens better and how it should be his decision to tell Charlie even though he gives no shits to Charlie’s welfare. Jules comes back and the Blacks say goodbye to Beau. We now wave goodbye to Jules Black who was actually pleasant and likeable, we will see her briefly later but this is where she basically walks out of the story for good. Bye Jules! You are so lucky to not have been upgraded by Meyer and turn into a furry douche like Jacob.

Beau sits and wrings his hands waiting for Charlie and what do you know? He is now home, so convenient. They are suddenly eating dinner and Beau says he spent the day at the Cullen’s house which makes Charlie drop his fork. Why? He likes the Cullens so why is this so shocking. Beau mentions he has a date with Edythe and Charlie is shocked!

Charlie asks the sensible question of how he thought none of the girls were good enough for Beau which he did say. Beau has to be a rude little shit and say nya nya his Dad said that not him. Charlie actually starts parenting by saying he needs to untwist his knickers but then collapses by apologising for being too nosey. It is not nosey for having an interest in your horrible son. Charlie asks if she is his girlfriend and Beau has to think this:

“I felt a strange sense of pride, being able to claim her this way. Kind of Neanderthal of me, but there it was.”

*Rubs Temples*

Saying that you know it is misogynistic of you does not make that statement any better. People are not fucking property!!! How is this so hard to comprehend, she is not something you bought from the market but an independent person/vampire. I hate this book!

*Flips Off Beau*

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 69

Anyway, Charlie finds it hysterical that Beau is playing baseball and is interrupted by Edythe knocking on the door. Charlie would like to answer the door of his own house but Beau pushes him out of the way and answers the door while wanking about how Edythe looks like a model. I think I may have lost my lunch. Charlie stops breathing and Beau say’s it unnerving. Yes, it really is as I think Charlie may be perving on what he thinks is an underage girl which we really don’t need. Again, we have enough perverted implications in this series and we don’t need another one. Well, Meyer seems to be getting off on everyone getting boners for Edythe as we have this:

“She unleashed the dimples, and his face went blank.”

Miss J.gif

EW!!! STOP IT!!

Sherlock

They make awkward small talk and Beau decides that his Dad has had enough time to perv at his property so it’s now time to leave. This time Beau gets into the Jeep by himself unlike Bella who was too weak and womanly to get in by herself.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 70

They waste a page with buckling up Beau’s seatbelt and Edythe has to whine that she finds it difficult being away from him for an afternoon. Please get a hobby! This is just sad. They then bore me by wasting another page of him whining about motion sickness. Just climb on her back and deal with it.

WAHHHH!!! 71

They then decide to make out and by make out it is described as this:

“They moved urgently, cold and unyielding.”

Yeah, hot. Beau sounds like a necrophilia fetishist which I guess he technically is as she is a walking corpse.

do-not-want-guy

For the love of God, get out more Meyer or at least read some heated romance novels. Not Fifty Shades though, as she doesn’t need any more abuse masquerading as love to give her ideas.

Beau decides to kiss back and that is too much for Edythe and she runs away. Edythe tells him to move his arse otherwise she will do something stupid which must mean murder as it’s always murder with her. I really wish I had a murder count now but oh well.

Off they run through the woods and then Beau falls off which Edythe finds hilarious. To be fair it probably would be a bit funny but Beau only likes laughing at others but not himself so he stalks off in a tantrum. Edythe drags him to the clearing and apologises, I wouldn’t as he is being a brat. Anyway, she says that she wants to murder him a lot and they say I love you which is weird.

We meet the Cullens on the field but they are just marking bases and running around, it’s all copy and pasted. Edythe is showing genuine enthusiasm for playing baseball which is a pleasant change as the only things that seem to bring her joy is destroying nature and murder.

Beau wanders off with Earnest who prefers to be referee to stop them cheating. Earnest admits that he sees his little psychopaths as his children and decides to tell Beau about the most painful time of his life which is just a lead in for him to wank over how awesome Edythe is and how she is his second daughter. He then proceeds to talk about how he tried to kill himself as his daughter, Grace died at age two. When I first read this I found it odd that Esme’s child went from new-born to a two-year-old but then I came to the chapter of so many words and it becomes clear and true to Meyer style, it is horrible. I will rip it to shreds when the time comes.

Still, it’s odd to use suicide and child death to wank over Edythe, surely this is rather flippant of Earnest to just mention this at a family gathering just to lead into the awesome of Edythe. Meyer, has this problem constantly. She loves to give characters tragic and horrible backgrounds to lead into something that isn’t relevant or to glorify her two leads. All we got from Rosalie’s brutal gang rape was Bella wondering if Tanya was prettier than her. Meyer seriously needs to think about what she is writing and the implications as I can’t see many people saying “Oh! Hey stranger, have I told you about the time my daughter died so I threw myself off a cliff because I couldn’t face life anymore? Play ball!” It just comes across as insensitive.

The baseball game is just as dull as the original as Beau can’t keep up due to his sucky human eyes. For some reason Beau says human baseball will always be boring to him now. Why? Beau can’t really see what is going but he can with human baseball. He is just shitting on humanity again as that is his only hobby. The game then stops as Archie has a vision and:

Screaming.gif

ZOMG!!! IT’S THE VAMPIRES WHO ARCHIE SAID WON’T VISIT BUT THEY TOTALLY ARE!! THE SHOCK AND SURPRISE!!

Grumpy Cat

Nope, not shocked as even if I didn’t know what was going to happen it was still obvious in the last chapter. However, just like the original, everyone is an idiot as these vampires are five minutes away which is more than enough time for Edythe to get Beau away as she seems to travel at the speed of sound. They reason they decide to stay put is because they think the naughty vampires will follow the scent but why? They want to play baseball, they would probably just think that one of them went to eat someone. It’s still stupid and should have been fixed by having the rogue vampires arriving immediately.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 31

Eleanor speaks for all of us by scoffing about three vampires which is true, there are seven of them and three of the rogue ones. I am sure they could take them if a fight occurred, they have Jessamine the mass vampire murderer after all. They carry on playing while commenting how much Beau stinks which is helpful. Earnest is concerned about whether if the vampires are thirsty which is legitimate concern so I won’t bitch about that.

We end the chapter with Beau shitting on Royal for some strange reason:

“I was pretty sure whatever was coming now was worse than Royal.”

Honestly, what has Royal done to you except to look at you funny. That is stupid and bitchy.

Anyway, that is the end of this chapter and we have officially hit the climax. It is drunk, thrown up in my vase and won’t get out of my house. It will probably urinate on my carpet soon to just to piss me off even more.

Until next time!

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