Last time we saw vampires playing baseball and the climax stumbled in like an uninvited guest. I say uninvited as there has been no foreshadowing whatsoever that three rogue vampires will join us at the end except for that stupid throwaway comment in chapter 16. That is not foreshadowing and this should have been fixed with this version. They could have had Beau seeing on the news or newspaper of animal attacks or suspicious deaths inching closer to Forks but nope we still have 17 chapters of frolicking around with Edythe and Beau. It is still more than obvious that Meyer threw this conflict in at the last minute. I am complaining because she said she used this version to fix things but all she did was throw in some extra sexism and human bashing but didn’t fix this as it is a huge plot problem as it just comes across as random.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 32

We haven’t even started and the counts are rearing their ugly heads. Well, enough moaning as that won’t get this chapter done. Tally-ho!

The newbies move towards the Cullens and Beau describes them as a wildlife show. I would say it’s because they are animals as vampires react like rabid animals and have no compassion for anything but themselves. Why am I meant to aspire to be one of these things?!

They are described as cat-like and close to crouching to attack with leaves and crap in their hair. This is meant to show how uncivilised people eating vampires are meant to be compared to the Cullens but that fails from what we saw in ‘Breaking Dawn’ where they had lots of people eaters come to stay and the only one’s described as savage were the Amazons but that was because they aren’t white as racism is apparently so acceptable in these repugnant novels. Don’t believe me. Well:

“And then another pair of unexpected friends arrived — unexpected, because neither Carlisle nor Rosalie had been able to contact the Amazons.

“Carlisle,” the taller of the two very tall feline women greeted him when they arrived. Both of them seemed as if they’d been stretched — long arms and legs, long fingers, long black braids, and long faces with long noses. They wore nothing but animal skins — hide vests and tight-fitting pants that laced on the sides with leather ties. It wasn’t just their eccentric clothes that made them seem wild but everything about them, from their restless crimson eyes to their sudden, darting movements. I’d never met any vampires less civilized.”

It’s amazing how much the finale destroyed in terms of cannon. Also that is just awful but this isn’t our text at the moment otherwise I would be ranting. The reason I have used it is to show how much Meyer failed, she tried to show people eaters as savages but then introduced all the ANGLO people eaters who were civilised but the NOT WHITE people eaters from the Amazon were savages. We know from the guide that Victoria is English, Laurent is French and James is American so most likely white in Meyer’s sad and strange little world. This is just her standing there pointing with a massive sign that shouts ‘VILLIANS’ in case I was too stupid to understand but as we can see Meyer takes the savage vampire to all new and racist extremes in ‘Breaking Dawn’. This series is horrible and the owl below sums up my face writing this:

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Beau decides to pause his terror to go on about how beautiful the black haired lady is, thank you for that as we clearly needed to pause the climax to discuss dazzling beauty. Man Victoria is described as feline and crazy whereas Lady James is described as bland, not ugly because as if there is such thing as an ugly vampire.

Lady Laurent decided to introduce their pack and Beau detects a French accent. Then why does Carine not have an English accent!?! I really need to stop trying to apply logic to these things. Now to go through their names which is Lauren, Victor and Joss. Let’s discuss names!

Lauren: Seems pretty lazy to me as Meyer just knocked off the ‘t’ which makes me think she got bored of this whole name swap thing. Laurent was born in the 1700s in Paris and had an aristocratic background. No offence to all the Lauren’s out there but that name sounds too common for an aristocratic woman in the court of Louis XIV. Louise or Lucille would be far better choices for the time period. Louise especially as it’s the female version of Louis which is the common name for most French Kings. Lauren just sounds lazy.

Victor: This one is difficult as Victoria was a fail due to the guide which said that she was born in the 1550s in England when the name didn’t exist. It was used later on but in non-English speaking countries in Europe and only came popular as a name in the 1800s when Queen Victoria came to the throne. So where do we go as the original name was a history fail. The only name that may have fit is Valentine as it existed in the time but was not in the Top 50. I guess as the original name failed then I should just allow Victor.

Joss: James was born in the 1780s in the USA and I am fine with the masculine name as it is pretty common. Apparently Joss is a masculine name with German origins and was only adopted as feminine in the 20th century when it was a nickname of Jocelyn. Fail, once again. His father was French so we could of had the names Josephine or Jeanne whereas his mother was English so maybe Jane but I can understand why that wouldn’t be used. I would have gone for his French heritage.

I swear Meyer just thinks of random names and shuvs them in without thinking of their historical significance. Normally I wouldn’t care about these three as we didn’t know their history in ‘Twilight’ but since the guide has been published, we now know, so it fails.

They then talk the same crap about they want to play and how they haven’t seen anyone in ages and by that they mean vampires. Joss, Lauren and Victor are shocked that the Cullens have a home as that is just so amazing. Well, the Volturi have a home and Victor knows this due to his coven being wiped out by the Volturi so I am sure he knows they have a residence in Volterra. Even Lauren knows as she wanted to join them but was rejected due to the brief meeting with the Romanians. I can understand not knowing about the Egyptians as they live in a hole to protect Benjamin. Also, this just makes vampires look worse as they just wander around like savages, even rats have homes to go to. They just ran around eating and probably sexing judging by other vampires. Yes, I can see why they are better than me.

Lauren is so happy as she needs to wash as she is covered in shit, dirt, leaves and probably human blood. Yep, so jealous right now that I am not one of these things. Then we have this, once again I wish I had a murder count to show how little they give a shit:

“Please don’t take offense, but we’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from hunting in this immediate area. We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand.” Carine explained.

“Of course.” Lauren nodded. “We certainly won’t encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway.” She laughed. A shiver ran up spine.”

• Does that sound like the Cullens, especially Carine give a shit about human life? No, it really doesn’t. It just sounds like they refrain from murder to seem pretentious and above other vampires rather than for moral reasons. She doesn’t care about people outside of Forks being brutally murdered, she only cares about their reputation.

• That is the only epitaph those people who were brutally murdered will get, a nice little shiver from Beau.

• Why does Beau care? He made it very clear more than once that he thinks it is reasonable and fine for vampires to eat humans (as long as it is someone he doesn’t know). I think Meyer just threw that in for fear value but it just doesn’t hold due to Beau’s previous attitudes.

Now even though these vampires are well fed, they spin around when they smell the sizzling bacon that is Beau and Joss goes all savage. Edythe snarls back and Beau finds this terrifying as how can such noises comes from his delicate little snowflake. I can understand being scared that someone wants to eat you but Edythe snarling, really? Sounds like:

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 71

The people eating vampires are shocked that the Cullens could have a human that is not lunch with them as it is so amazing, unique and special. Lauren says that they will accept the invitation to talk but Joss has to make it obvious that she thinks this is stupid as she looks significantly at Victor. I know she is going to hunt Beau as this is a reimagining and not an original book. Why am I bitching? It is because that look is original to this text which makes it stupid as I know what will happen!!

They then run to the Jeep and strap Beau in like a child as he is incapable of doing that himself. I am just going to sum up the next few pages as it is exactly the same. Edythe acts like a little shit and won’t listen to anyone and wants to drive off in the sunset as Joss is a tracker who wants to eat Beau but only has Victor on her side. So clearly the situation is very dangerous as it’s seven vampires against two, wow I can see how this is a huge battle.

Beau then decides to screech about Charlie which is surprising as he doesn’t care about Charlie. Everyone screams at Edythe to look at the options but like the petulant bitch she is won’t listen to reason and screams at everyone but ignores Beau. She literally answers everyone else but Beau. True love my arse.

Eleanor speaks sense by saying that Joss is no match for them but Edythe just screams at her about how she will wait to kill Beau. You have a mind reader, someone who sees the future and an executioner in your coven of vampires so surely you could track her down and take her out. Edythe screams that Joss is some unstoppable force and you have to kill her to stop her which is pretty much what Eleanor was suggesting. Beau says he has an option but Edythe shouts at him to shut up as she knows best.

Beau suggests that they take him back to Charlie’s house and he will make an excuse and then leave. Eleanor says that is a good idea but Beau says it was an insult? Why? Are we now shitting on this character too? I thought this is a family Beau wants to join.

Blah, blah, blah more arguing. Edythe decides to agree with Beau’s plan but acts like a bitch by screaming at him to hurry the fuck up with his father. She is showing no sympathy or empathy for how Beau maybe feeling right now. She just wants to save her toy.

They agree (except Edythe) that Beau should leave town with someone else as Charlie would get suspicious as he is not a moron. They then praise Beau’s stupid plan of going Phoenix as amazing. No it is not amazing, throw him on a plane as we know he has a passport and go to that stupid island that they spent their honeymoon on. It’s secluded so they would smell the tracker easily and it would be difficult for Beau to escape like he does. Sadly, this is probably not an option as it was only created so Bella and Edward could have sex and Meyer writes by the seat of her pants so this island probably didn’t exist in her brain right now. As let’s be honest we know that Meyer writes like this:

computing.gif

They could go anywhere in the world, just because you think it is an amazing bluff to go to the place that you said expecting them to ignore it is still stupid as there is that risk that they will think you are bluffing them which happens. They don’t listen to me because Beau has to go to Phoenix, however stupid it is because the plot demanded it.

They continue to ignore me and agree that it is an awesome plan because Beau is amazing and special and different and unique. Anyway, Eleanor is thinking about killing things for fun while they drive to Charlie’s house. Edythe has to be a bitch like Edward and say to Beau that if anything bad happens to him then it is all his fault. How lovely!

Edythe asks if Jessamine can handle this and Archie yells that she has been doing really well lately. I agree with Edythe as she is the one who sees what Jessamine is thinking. Shall we look at ‘Midnight Sun’ again? This is so creepy and rapey:

“Jasper was very dangerous right now.

At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours, stopping to talk to a friend. She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers through it. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made me feel—the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatic tightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth…

This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with the feelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper’s reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than just mine.

Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it— picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the little girl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and letting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth… “

sparta

How on earth can people like Jasper as a good guy? He is fucking scary.

Jasper at this point had not eaten in two weeks and was already fantasising about killing a young girl. They do not know how long they will be holed up in a hotel room waiting for the death of Joss. What if it is more than two weeks? Will Jessamine go and find a nice armadillo to eat? It just seems flippant to me to have THAT protecting Beau when they are confirmed to have very creepy fantasies about killing people. This is why I hate Archie/Alice as they scold Edythe/Edward by saying that their little death machine is trying their best. That is really not good enough.

Also why Jessamine? Surely Jessamine would be best in the hunting party as she has experience in the new-born army and as executioner. If anything it should be Earnest or Carine that goes with Archie to Phoenix. Once again it is clearly because Meyer hadn’t thought about Jasper/Jessamine’s history at this point as they are nothing but cardboard cut-outs at this point. So I think she decided to keep couples together because as if Twu Luvs can spend more than a few minutes away from each other.

Edythe asks if Archie can deal with this and he decides to snarl for effect. Ermm….. scary?

With that we end another short chapter! We are inching ever closer to the end of this awful thing even though I have decided that I will dissect the interviews from Meyer when this was released and they really should be seen in all their glory. Next time is Beau insulting Charlie and swapping clothes with Earnest. Exciting shit right there!

This-Is-My-Excited-Face-I-Am-Really-Jumping-For-Joy-Here-Funny-Bored-Meme-Image

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