Last time we saw the vampires who so were not supposed to be in Forks, come to Forks and they decided that Beau was a delicious pulled pork sandwich and that they have to eat him. Edythe had a tantrum but decided to allow Beau to make up an excuse to Charlie as to why he was running. We start this chapter with Edythe pulling up to Charlie’s house. Shall we continue? Of course!

Edythe hisses bitchily at Beau telling him to get a goddamn move on as Joss isn’t here so he should hurry the fuck up! Beau for some reason gets all upset about saying goodbye to Eleanor which is bizarre as he doesn’t know her. I guess because she is a Cullen so therefore deserves his emotions. However, Edythe snaps at Beau that he has only fifteen minutes to say goodbye to Charlie. She is horrible! He is scared and trying to protect his father but she treats him like this? Logic is for losers as Beau has to kiss her and say how much he loves her. I feel like Meyer is trying to cram in the ‘I love you’ as Bella and Edward barely said it to each other.

I’m summing up the next page as it’s just Beau screaming at Charlie about how he wants to go home. Same old copy and pasted nonsense. Charlie grabs him and asks if he is on drugs which seems random but maybe logical as this is the most emotion and life Charlie has probably seen in Beau so probably thinks he is on a bad coke trip.

Charlie begs Beau to tell him what happened and Beau decides to have a bratty tantrum by saying that Edythe wants marriage and babies in Forks but he doesn’t want to turn out like his dead beat Dad and stay in the same area. He also felt the need to tell his Dad how hot and beautiful Edythe is, just in case we had forgotten.

Charlie tries to beg Beau to stay, why beg? Use your parental authority and ground his arse so he doesn’t try and drive across the country at night because of a childish tantrum. Charlie doesn’t know about the vampire situation so all he is seeing is his son screaming and foot stomping, yes he tried to reason with him but that isn’t working so use your authority and stop him leaving!

Cartman.jpg

Like that!

Beau decides that he has to really hurt his Dad and say the same words that his mother said to Charlie when she left. I am going to quote this even though it hasn’t changed as it is still stupid:

“It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”

Oh, burn! No, that doesn’t work and it just sounds childish and stupid. How could Meyer think this was so cutting and hurtful? It sounds like a child saying they hate their friend because they stole their sweets. This really should have been changed and it doesn’t need to include swearing either but change it to something more mature as the impact is just not there.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 33

Well apparently Charlie needs to get some ice for his major burn because he just let’s go and watches Beau leave. Wow, great parenting there, Charlie! Your son says something vaguely cruel and you just let him run off into the night.

Anyway, Edythe demands that she drives and informs us that Joss caught the end of the conversation while Eleanor jumps on the truck. I summed up a page in one sentence. These books are pure padding which is why I don’t feel guilty for using some of these pages for fire fodder.

Edythe hasn’t been a bitch for ten minutes so feels the need to rectify that by sneering how she didn’t realise he hated small town life and thought that she was making life more interesting for him. SHUT UP!! Now is not the time and the earth does not centre on you, Edythe. It focuses on Beau.

*SCREAMING*

I needed that as we know he does in this sad and strange little universe. Beau feels bad for a few seconds due to what he said to his father but then promptly forgets about his Dad as Oh Noes! He will be parted from Edythe for a few days and that’s worse. The end of this book makes this conversation so much worse.

Ergh, next is Beau trying to be selfless and humble but he comes across as a sociopathic creep. Observe:

“Okay, I was there. Big deal. It didn’t bother the other two. Why did Joss decide to kill me? There are people all over the place – people who are a lot easier to get to.” I glanced over my shoulder at Eleanor’s shadow. “Why am I worth all this trouble?”

Fuck off, Beau!

I know he is trying to sound all humble and say why me?! I’m nothing. It is literally for us and the Cullens to rush in and say that he is special and how much he is worth saving. We forgive Harry Potter when he says this as he keeps losing people very close to him in traumatic circumstances and he usually witnesses this. He naturally thought ‘why me?!’ in the ‘Order of the Phoenix’ as Sirius just died due to his mistake and then finds out about the prophecy that has made him a marked man since birth. We understand and yes Harry does wallow but then he picks his arse up and vows to avenge those who died and kill Voldemort as that is what needs to be done. He doesn’t just lay there while everyone else does it for him and then be called special. I know Meyer would hand-wave it and say that both Harry and Voldemort are humans and not like her super-charged vampires. No! Voldemort is a powerful and for most of series an immortal wizard whereas Harry is a teenager who hasn’t even finished his education, also he isn’t even the best student but he takes his human strength and ability to love to defeat Voldemort. Beau is just a lazy shit who flops around and does nothing. He is not special.

I also hate how he is basically implying that he wished Joss would just go and kill someone else. I know when something awful happens and you think ‘why me?’ but you don’t then hope that the awful situation on someone else. Say you had a terminally ill child, you wouldn’t look at the playing child in a park and wish they had it. People would usually say they wouldn’t wish their situation on their worst enemy when things are truly bad. Well, not Beau. He would much rather have someone else get eaten because it’s not like it’s someone he knows. Ergh, I hate that phrase in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Funny that now the eating is now bad as he didn’t care if Edythe did it.

Edythe says that it is partially his fault as he smells like a combination of bacon and coffee (I love those smells). Edythe then says that if she didn’t freak out then Joss wouldn’t have bothered but she likes to hunt things and seems to think hunting Beau will be really exciting due to his protection. Well, that will fail in a few chapters.

Beau asks why as he thought that he only smelled like brownies to Edythe but she has to inform us that no, he is extra yummy to her but he is still the yummiest human to ever walk the earth as he is just so special and amazing. Thanks for that, I may have forgotten how much Beau is better than me.

Edythe informs us that she will have to kill Joss and looks shocked when she thinks Beau wants her to live. Well, Beau has to tell us that he couldn’t give a flying fuck if Edythe kills another living thing with her bare hands but he is worried about his snuggle-muffin getting hurt. I know Joss is bad but most people still feel uncomfortable about people getting murdered even if they are bad. We may cheer on TV when the bad guy dies but not so much in real life. At least look uncomfortable that Edythe will kill someone.

Beau asks how one kills a vampire and Edythe tells us that they have to be ripped apart and burnt alive. Lovely! Apparently Eleanor can hear this and positively excited as she hasn’t had a chance to murder something other than a bear for a while and she can’t wait. This just makes her look sociopathic as she isn’t feeling bad that she has to kill a fellow vampire for the safety of her family but is actively excited and gleeful to have the chance to rip someone apart and set them on fire. Eleanor is insane. Why am I meant to like her? That is horrible.

Beau however feels happier about this as Eleanor wants Edythe out of the way for when she rips Joss’ head clean off and dances around her corpse. She is happier because he would rather Eleanor was hurt rather than Edythe. Love makes this guy even worse and I hate him.

They go into the Cullen house and they are shocked that Lauren is there. I don’t care as most of this chapter has been copy and pasted. Lauren informs them that Joss will stop at nothing and that a coven of seven is doomed because two vampires with no offensive abilities will come for them. I feel no tension as the Cullen’s have this in the bag!

Lauren asks if this is all worth it as Beau is just a human. No! Beau is way more special and amazing than some lowly human, they would just let one of them die but not Beau! Lauren decides that this is all too much drama llama for her and decides to go up to Denali and become an animal eating vampire. I guess as this is a stand-alone book then she will live happily after with Man Irina.

They decide to split up even though Joss is outside circling, that is still stupid as someone could stay with Beau in the house, doesn’t matter whom as if Edythe is part of the hunting party then she could hear them coming to the house so would be ready to attack and inform everyone else so they could corner them and kill them as seven against two is pretty good odds. Instead, they just split up and make themselves more fragmented because the plot demands it. This is so stupid and it hurts more as it’s the second time.

Edythe yells at Royal to trade clothes with Beau, why Royal as he is a tall and beefy monster. He is described as huge and muscly whereas I picture Beau as quite gangly. Anyway, Earnest volunteers instead so he picks up Beau and takes him to a dark room and for a change Beau undresses himself whereas in the original Esme undressed Bella. Hmm….. maybe there is some lesbian undertones? Meyer is way too repressed to do that deliberately.

Meyer also shows off how she is stuck in the 1990s as she makes a fuss that the Cullens have a small mobile phone. I am not impressed now as we now live in the world of smart phones but even twelve years ago I wouldn’t be impressed as mobile phones were still cheap and easy to access. They discuss which cars they will take. *Yawn* I don’t care.

Edythe and Beau say goodbye and by that I mean they touch faces for a while. What does creep me out though is when Beau describes their fleeting kiss as cold and hard. I am now convinced Beau has necrophilia fetish and likes them in the rigamortis stage. I just grossed myself out so I think I will pour some wine.

We end this awful chapter with Jessamine telling Beau that he is so worth saving as he is awesome and amazing and special and so spectacular. I am so glad I poured wine. Archie then comes in and carries Beau to the car as he is clearly incapable of walking himself.

I have noticed that the chapters are much shorter now that the climax has wandered in. It is more than obvious that Meyer loved to lavish so much attention and detail of Beau/Bella dazzling the Crab People and then their epic love with Edythe/Edward. She really doesn’t like conflict, but it becomes more obvious with this book now that we have ‘Breaking Dawn’ where every conflict is brushed under the carpet as Meyer hates it as she would rather write about how awesome Bella is. The climax of ‘Breaking Dawn’ only lasted four chapters at the most considering there was thirty-nine chapters in that book. Imagine if Harry Potter was like that and Voldemort just wandered in after a stupid amount of chapters that only consisted of frolicking.

However, Harry Potter is relevant again as the climax chapters of the ‘Goblet of Fire’ were pretty short but they were tense as Cedric died, Voldemort rose from the cauldron and Harry duels with him in a graveyard where he sees the echoes of Cedric and his parents. It may have been short but it was emotional and action packed. We cared! This is just swapping clothes and being stupid. It doesn’t even get better as we then spend a few chapters in a hotel room while people stare at each other. That isn’t interesting or tense and it should be as this is the goddamn climax of the book! I want to be tense, scared and emotional but I am just bored.

It is beyond obvious that Meyer hates writing conflict and action which means that the climax is just dull. I don’t care as the characters don’t care, well except Beau but that’s because he is worried about Edythe. It just becomes more glaring in this book as we have had all the others now and it is obvious. We have ‘Eclipse’ where we see none of the new-born army battles but just see Edward having a dance off with Victoria that doesn’t even last long and then the battle that never was in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Books need conflict in the climax otherwise no one cares and falls asleep. It is more than clear that it is not developed here as Meyer couldn’t be bothered so why should we muster up the emotions to care? Well, we don’t. Meyer can clearly only write wank fantasies.

Next time, is Beau sitting in an hotel room while action sort of happens away from him. We are so close to the end but we are also very close to the chapter of so many words which fills me with dread. I’ll just drink my wine and pretend it doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening. I am happy to live in that denial.

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