Last time our ‘heroes’ decided to split up even though that was stupid just because the plot demanded it. We are now at our climax of the novel and what excitement will befall us while a dangerous man eating vampire is desperate for Beau? Well, if you find sitting in a hotel room while they all stare at each other as exciting then this is the book for you! Let’s read the excitement that is sure to unfold.
Beau opens the chapter by being a moron as he has just woken up and has to actively remind himself as to why he is running. I really regret not having a moron count on this as these people are idiots. Beau mentions that Archie sat in the back with him but in this version I have no idea why as Alice sat in the back to have a cuddle session with Bella while she cries but no man cuddling for Beau and Archie as that would make them gay or something. I am going to slam this with a sexist point purely because when Bella is in danger she is a wreck and needs lady cuddles to calm her delicate self, whereas Beau who is a man with testicles needs none of that as he has man strength and doesn’t cry because as if men cry. Pfft! It’s like thinking men have emotions or something.
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Instead of crying, Beau treats Archie like his own personal fortune teller and has him give him a stream of information about where the Cullens are and what they doing. Then we have Archie talking shit and says Charlie is hard to focus on because he is human and he focuses best on vampires.
So how on earth was Alice so sure that Bella would become a vampire or dead in ‘Midnight Sun’? She barely knew her at that time and was focusing on Bella the Human’s future. She foresaw that Bella would love her presents in ‘New Moon’ and foresaw what Bella was planning on buying her for ‘Eclipse’. How on earth could she have seen this if she has trouble seeing humans? This makes no sense whatsoever but to explain that arse pull in ‘Breaking Dawn’ when Alice says she can see humans OK but not as good as vampires.
NO!! YOU CAN SEE THEM JUST FINE!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!
Alice/Archie’s vision consistency has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. I don’t even know why this was even added. My brain hurts from the stupid so I am moving on. Well, apparently Meyer feels like I haven’t had enough stupid so slaps me with the same crap about how it took them one day to drive to Arizona when it should be three. I don’t care that vampires drive really fast because what about traffic or police officers? They do exist and vampires can’t stop them. I can’t give it a point though as it is just Meyer wanking again over how great her vampires are.
Beau then passes out and he wakes up in a hotel room. Did the hotel staff not query the two people carrying in an unconscious man? How did Beau not wake up for this? God, this is stupid.
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Archie barges his way in and gives us the run down and apparently the Cullens are just running around in circles, wow tense. Archie tells Beau to eat otherwise Edythe will have a bitch fit if her instructions aren’t being followed as she is a brat. They discuss Lauren and I have to admit I have to keep reminding myself that it is Lady Laurent as there was that blonde character in the original who Meyer loved to punish and it keeps confusing me. Meyer should not have used a previous character’s name for this gender swap as it is jerking.
Beau then whines about how if any of the Cullens are hurt then he will never forgive himself. What is interesting though is that Beau does not mention Royal in his little list. That is pretty damn horrible as Royal is trying to help Beau but because he looks at Beau funny and isn’t licking his shoes means that Beau doesn’t give a crap if Royal is hurt. That is awful and ruins Beau’s selfless speech.
Archie tells him to be quiet as none of them are worried which naturally kills the tension and they are scared of losing their little buttercup as he is needed to be Edythe’s dildo. Don’t believe me:
“It’s almost a centaury that Edythe’s been alone. Now she’s found you.”
I am certain that if Joss decided to hunt and kill Jeremy then they would just sit back and let Joss get on with it as Jeremy isn’t Edythe’s chosen dildo. Archie then spills this sickening speech about how due to his powers that he and Beau are already BFFs and how they spend hours being arseholes to Royal and talking to Carine. How adorable! Must ask one thing though?
HOW THE FUCK DOES HE SEE THIS IF HE CAN’T SEE HUMANS WELL?!?!?!
This is worse as she said in the beginning of this damn book that she used this gender swap to make Alice’s visions more consistent. Well that failed didn’t it.
Also, why does Archie hate Royal so much? What has Royal done to him? I have no idea why Royal puts up with this as I would just leave and start my own life away from these horrible people. Ergh, anyway, Beau asks if they are friends and Archie waxes poetically about how they are the Bestest Friends for Everest and how he can’t wait for Beau to hurry up and feel the same. This is so clearly another attempt at avoiding relationship building as Archie foresaw their friendship so BAM! They are now.
They then spend the day staring at each other, wow this is like so totally tense and scary for a climax of a novel. Well, Beau is at least asking questions but we hardly see them but I burst out laughing when Beau asks if his constant questions are like living with Edythe:
‘She tries not to be obnoxious about it.”
That is hilarious! She is the most obnoxious donkey I have ever had the misfortune to read about. Archie goes on about how he woke up and remembered nothing about being human but I still don’t care. Archie laughs and says due to his short hair that he may have been a criminal mastermind. I doubt it as you people are huge morons.
Archie then wanks over how amazing his “darling” * vomits* is at fighting but I really don’t get why this was included. We then get some utter nonsense of Archie saying that he can see Beau well in his visions as he is sitting there and he is concentrating.
NO! Alice had all those above visions and Bella wasn’t there so that is stupid. Beau wasn’t there when Archie had a vision of all that nonsense about their BFF antics but he saw those pretty well. Oh, well maybe he was just concentrating more but that just makes it sound like Archie couldn’t really be bothered to focus on Charlie as that is effort even though that could help save Charlie’s life but he can spend plenty of times dreaming of him and Beau in onesies watching ‘Frozen’ together. Priorities people!
Beau then decides he hasn’t been selfless for a few pages and whines that he would spend forever in the hotel room if it meant Edythe was safe. This is just stupid as she is a telepath so has a huge advantage, she is a super charged vampire and massive amounts of back up! Edythe is hardly going to challenge Joss to duel while everyone watches them kill each other. Also, it is just coming off as sexist now as it sounds like Beau saying that as if his delicate little snowflake could do man things like fighting.
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Beau then decides to beg Archie for the information about how people become vampires. For some reason Edythe doesn’t want Beau to know and will throw an almighty tantrum if he is told. Why are they all scared of this little twit? Archie decides to tell him anyway but first has to have a wank over how amazing vampires are by listing all their powers but once again mentions nature. I have screamed about this enough but it still annoys me to no end.
He then goes on about their venom about how it is used to subdue their prey. I still think this sounds stupid from a nature point of view as nature doesn’t create super charged predators and they don’t need venom. It could have been interesting if venom was for purely reproductive purposes as it does create new vampires. Especially as biting in vampire lore is seen as a sexual metaphor, so the biting is sexual intercourse and that creates new vampire life via the venom coursing through the blood stream. If it was established as that then I could by it as nature dictates that flora and fauna need to reproduce in some way. We know it is not that as that would make Carine and Edythe creepy but also Meyer is a child and won’t even discuss sex in her novels and uses stupid metaphors. This is from the ‘Breaking Dawn’ FAQ where she discusses Demonspawn’s conception:
“I didn’t get into all of these details at my signings because it’s a long, complicated mouthful. Also, it’s hard to be clearly heard with all the screaming. Mostly, though, I waited to do this in writing because I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words “seminal fluids” in public.”
God lord, woman! Grow up! You have three children so you know how sex works.
Archie explains that if the venom is left to spread while the victim is still alive then they will become a vampire and it like hurts and stuff. I still don’t buy it as Bella was able to lay there like a dead slug and refuses to scream as that would make Edward sad. Doesn’t sound as bad as they are making out to me because if it was then Bella would scream even if she didn’t want too. Nope, she just laid there and thought of England.
Archie explains that it is difficult turning people because vampires, which don’t forget are better than us pond scum, turn into rabid animals when feeding so turning someone is hard. Yeah, just use a syringe like Edward!
For some strange reason we get this line which involves wanking over Archie and shitting on Royal:
“It was hard for me to believe that Archie could have been a criminal, though; there was something intrinsically good about his face. Royal was the showy one, the one the girls at school stared at, but there was something better than perfection about Archie’s face. It was totally pure.”
I vomited again.
What was that!?! Why did he have to bash Royal again, considering he is saving his useless arse. Also, no Archie is a criminal. He committed countless murders for over thirty years and frequently commits fraud via predicting the stock markets. He is a thief and a murderer so no I do not buy this crap. Also it was just so sickly sweet that I feel ill.
Archie says that it is OK for him not to remember as there is nothing to miss which does seem fair to me but says Royal struggled as he misses his sisters. Beau scoffs that Archie is trying to make him change his mind about Royal. I really don’t get Beau as Royal has done nothing to him, he is allowed to dislike people just like Beau does. Beau comes across as so bitchy and entitled that it is disgusting.
Beau asks what it would mean for his Mum and Dad if he became a vampire. They would think you are dead?! You can’t see them again. Why is this so hard to understand?!
Next up is Archie jumping up and drawing the ballet studio, that took Meyer one page. We then get utter idiocy with Edythe telling Beau that Joss stole a plane.
Huh? How does this savage nomad who walks around with bare feet and twigs in her hair know how to fly a plane? Oh right, she is a vampire and is perfect at everything. My bad!
Beau panics about Charlie and Edythe says it’s fine as Royal and Earnest are watching him and once again Beau has to shit on Royal by saying his presence doesn’t comfort him. This is so much worse than Rosalie! Meyer used her to punish the beautiful girls in High School, is she now punishing the handsome men who never looked at her or rejected her in High School and is now punishing them as she is STEPHENIE MEYER! I must admit I am really getting that vibe.
Edythe and Beau then go on about how they love each other which is more love retcon, she is really cramming it into this book. Anyway, Beau tells them that the room is a ballet studio and says it’s the one his mother taught at. He has to tell us that she didn’t last long as she is useless, how lovely! What did strike me though was that it was changed to him being dragged there to watch rather than taking lessons like Bella. Why? Boys take ballet and look at the famous interpretation of ‘Swan Lake’ by Michael Bourne where the whole cast was men. This is just another sexist point as men don’t take ballet, they like mud and sports.
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They then go on about how it can’t be the same ballet studio and they have no idea how this could be involved. Morons. Meyer dates her work again by having Renee and her husband not owning mobile phones even though they are on the road which is stupid but the plot says so otherwise we wouldn’t get the nonsense to come.
We end with Beau asking his Mum to call him and noting that Archie and Jessamine are just staring at the walls for hours. Wow, this ends on such a tense and exciting cliff hanger. Screw you, ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ which left us with the cliff hanger of Sirius’ death. We have wall staring here!
Next time, we see Joss calling Beau and the stupidity will be discussed as ‘Breaking Dawn’ truly destroyed this plot line. So close to the end!