This chapter is so dull with heaps of copy and pasted nonsense. I think I may have to combine chapter 21 and 22 as when I looked over chapter 21 there is hardly any red pen which means it is the same as the original. We shall see as I don’t see the point of writing a piece that is 500 words of me saying it is the same. That is dull! I honestly feel like Meyer is rushing now as she is close to the end and wants to get to her ‘climax’.

Beau wakes up and needs to tell us that vampires are so awesome as the TV volume is so low but they can hear. I still don’t care. Archie is drawing Beau’s living room, I honestly just summed up a huge chunk of interior design text. What annoyed me though that it was clearly written in third person. Meyer does this a lot and I just don’t get why she writes in first person as it is so constricting. Just write in third and be free!

I’m summing up again and it is just Edythe deciding to take Beau away together to protect him. Nothing has changed and I refuse to bore you all! Beau whines about how they are doomed, he clearly doesn’t understand maths as 2 vs 7 is good odds. Jessamine is sick of his whining and lights up another spliff which causes Beau to calm down and go to sleep. That power is creepy but I am grateful for it right now.

We get some more crap about flight times and how they are going to a hotel closer to Renee’s house. *Yawn* The phone rings and ZOMG! It’s Renee! Well, we know it’s not and its actually Joss.

I am literally summing up the phone call as it is exactly the same as ‘Twilight’ and let’s be honest most people reading this know what will happen. I will sum up with this: Joss says she has Beau’s mother and Beau has to go to his house and await further instructions. We know the final destination so no one cares. However!

drama-queen3.jpg

This no longer flies. How does Archie not hear this conversation as he is close to Beau? We know from ‘Breaking Dawn’ how amazing vampire hearing is as Bella loved to boast to us how she could hear a car radio three miles away when she just turned. Also the biggest damnation to this is when Bella was playing Mighty Whitey to Max the stereotypical 1970s jive turkey (I hate that scene so much) and could hear Jenks on the phone while Max was talking to him in his lingo which proved Meyer should never, ever write people of colour. Blatant racism aside, Bella could hear every word as she was getting off when they were talking about hot she was. I will so go into the racism when I tackle the illustrated guide as my God! She heard this all, so why didn’t Archie!?! He should have heard this entire conversation as vampire hearing is that great. Meyer in her attempt to wank over vampires completely ruined her plot. However, I think this was her entire goal of Part III of ‘Breaking Dawn’:

spiderman orgasm

Disgusting but true. Beau decides he has to save his mother, well then I must ask? Why on earth does Archie not see this? Oh, maybe he isn’t concentrating as that is effort. I don’t know but it makes as little sense as it did before as Alice and therefore Archie said their visions are decision based. Well, clearly not when the plot demands it.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 35

We end this chapter with Archie having a vision and collapses but Beau whines about his selfless death. This is why I am combining chapter 21 and chapter 22 as this is so short and such a waste of a post. Let’s crack on to chapter 22!

Beau has to tell us that he doesn’t care about his death as his voice sounds dead. I must say I am going to sum up the tone of this chapter now otherwise I will be repeating myself constantly. Here we go and please read this is in a dull and dry tone:

I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, Edythe is hot, I’m gonna die, must save Mum, I’m gonna die.

Yeah, that is this chapter. Archie asks if Renee is OK and Beau makes himself obvious by saying in a monotone voice that she is fine. Beau keeps telling us how his emotions and speech sound fake, well I am sure they are but you are surrounded by rock stupid vampires. Beau decides he needs alone time and goes to his room to write a wangsty note to Edythe and tells her that he has gone to his death and not to follow him. It’s really wangsty so I am slamming it with this as it screams: I AM SO SELFLESS BUT I WILL WHINE!!!

WAHHHH!!! 72

It’s been a long time since we have seen this count. I can’t say I have missed it. I am so summing up the next page as nothing new happens. They get in the car and Beau asks if Archie can give a note to his mother, they then get to the airport and Beau goes on about how he will never see the departure locations. Beau then goes on about how the pull between himself and Edythe is so strong that he can’t run. Beau decides he needs to pee and asks if Jessamine will escort him so he can make his daring escape!

We do get a major fail though as Archie doesn’t see Beau escaping as he is focusing on Joss.

confused-cat

Huh? Surely with his amazing vampire brain then he can focus on a few things which he did in chapter 20 when he focused on Carine, Edythe, Earnest and Charlie. This is just another instance of the plot says so, once again. Also Beau made the decision to run so Archie should see this. This is once again, STUPID!

I’m summing up the next page as it’s Beau darting into the men’s room which has two exits and he runs away while thinking of them. He then jumps on a shuttle to a hotel. He then tries not to cry which is fair but at the same time how would Joss know if he told the other vampires what he is doing. She doesn’t have telepathy; ergh we know this is just make Beau look selfless.

Beau decides to imagine his meeting with Edythe where they run at each other and collapse on each other while they hump in front of everyone. I am not exaggerating!! It is just written in PG style. Beau jumps in a taxi and they head to his house.

I am summing up again as it is exactly the same as before. Joss calls and says that Beau needs to come to the Ballet Studio.

Screaming

ZOMG!! IT’S THE SAME BALLET STUDIO THAT BEAU KNOWS!!

I still don’t really understand how Joss knew about that place but whatever. Beau decides he needs air but even though his mother is in mortal danger, he feels the need to say how much she sucks and can’t grow flowers. Wow, that was necessary. Anyway, Beau goes to the ballet studio and gives us a run down about what it looks like.

Beau runs to Renee’s voice and realises that is her voice from a family video of Beau being stupidly clumsy. How convenient. Still, can’t slam it as Meyer thinks this is awesome. Anyway, we are meant to be so shocked that Joss doesn’t have Renee. Ermm… yay?

They talk about random crap but Beau notes how her eyes are black which means thirsty. Ermm… I have a question! How is she thirsty after two days when it really has been that long and she was described as having deep red eyes and also stated that they had recently fed. Especially when Edythe goes through two weeks of going from golden to black eyes. This makes no sense!! Joss should not be thirsty!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 36

Beau politely pauses his death scene to tell us that Joss is average looking for a vampire and that is so totally gross. Again, *insert monotone voice* I can really sense the tension here. Joss asks if he will ask the others to avenge him and Beau has to be selfless and tell us that he hopes not.

The Joss says she finds this disappointing about how easy and quick this hunt was. Ok, yes it is but…. WHY DID YOU MAKE IT THIS WAY!?!?! Joss sat on her arse and made it easy so it’s hardly a hunt. This is so stupid and hasn’t changed.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 37

Joss then wanks about how awesome they were because they went to the place that they said. No, it was stupid! She sounds like a terrible Bond villain who has to explain their deeds Anyway, Meyer hangs a great big lampshade on this utter nonsense by saying:

“I could tell she was coming to the end of her monologuing, which I didn’t get the point of anyway.”

THEN WHY IS IT THERE?!?!

This is just classic James Bond villain monologuing and it is not exciting but whammy. She has to waste time by explaining how amazing Beau was to go to Arizona (it’s not amazing) and how Joss was so awesome to guess it. We, the audience guessed it too. Then I am confused as Joss says he wasn’t sure where Beau called from but I find that odd as I did ask my mother who lived in America and she said that area codes come up from where you are calling so this would have been very simple for Joss to guess where Beau was.

Joss whips out her video camera and then I get confused. Observe:

“Obviously, you’re not important enough for her to decide to keep you. So … I’ll have to make this really offensive, won’t I?”

If Joss thinks that Edythe doesn’t really care about Beau, then why would she care about his brutal death? She is a murdering vampire after all, so maybe she would watch this video for tips? Oh, I don’t even know anymore.

So we are now at the moment where Beau knows he will die a horrifying death and Joss knows she has limited time to act. We are about to reach our terrifying fight scene so what should happen next?

Story time, of course!

Meyer decides we need more talking for the climax. I wish she would stop holding my hand as it’s annoying me. What is worse is that Joss even says that she is going to tell us a little story. I am summing it up as we know. Joss wanted Archie when he was human as he was yummy. A vampire bit Archie while at the asylum as Archie is special for having visions. Beau is all shocked as he figured it out that it is Archie she is talking about. I swear to God; pineapples are more quick witted than Beau. I still don’t get why this is here. Scratch that! I do know, Meyer for the life of her can’t have her character’s using their brains to figure things out. They are just told things at random times and go from there, we had this with Jules telling Beau that the Cullens are vampires and Carlisle just telling Bella about immortal children in the most random place. It’s never in a relevant place and just looks like story time which is very lazy writing.

Then Joss does some more talking. GET ON WITH IT!?! I swear this is worse than the original. Joss hears my cries of frustration and attacks Beau. I am quoting the next bit:

“I didn’t see what part of her hit me – it was too fast. She just blurred, there was a loud snap, and my right hand was suddenly hanging like it wasn’t connected to my elbow anymore.”

Beau sounds mildly bored that a vampire has just broken his arm. There is no emotion here and just sounds like a laundry list. He is being attacked and thinks he will die and all he does is describe it as if he is reading the ingredients of toilet cleaner.

“She waited for the pain to hit me, watched as I gasped and curled in around my broken arm.”

Wow, so much emotion. Also you don’t just gasp with a broken arm, I don’t care if he is pumping adrenaline, you don’t just gasp like it’s nothing. I’ve said before about my ankle but last year it was my round so I walked to the bar and my ankle gave way and I dropped like a sack of shit and smacked into stone. The pain was horrendous! I screamed and cried as I felt like someone had ripped my foot off and that wasn’t even broken. I got to the garden with an ice pack, I almost fainted from the pain and felt like I was going vomit. I couldn’t walk for a week after that. I did not just gasp as my God! This has nothing to do with strength and pain thresh-hold as I have a stupidly high one. So this just comes across as stupid and unbelievable.

Joss throws him against the wall of mirrors and feels the need to tell us how awesome her movie is. She breaks his finger but once again he sounds bored. Beau informs us that he has thrown up from the pain, uh-huh maybe show not tell. There is more action in this as Bella fainted pretty quickly but Meyer just can’t write emotion and pain. Joss wants Beau to ask Edythe to avenge him which he refuses. However, Joss says this and I cracked up laughing:

“It doesn’t want to scream,” she said in a funny little singsong voice. “Should we make it scream?”

Should we, precious?

gollum11_lrg

You cannot tell me that you can read that and not think of Gollum! I also thought of this too:

buffalo bill.jpg

Buffalo Bill has a precious too!

Both examples of far better villains. I know she was going for Joss de-humanising Beau by calling him ‘it’ but I just found it really funny.

Joss then nibbles Beau and he describes it as very painful and hot. Again, wow, tense. For some bizarre reason Joss now goes apeshit and wants to eat Beau. How did the blood not bother her before, especially when Archie said they are like sharks when they smell blood. This is just to ram it down our throats about how yummy Beau is. Thanks for reminding us, as we may have forgotten after the other thousand times you told us this.

Joss throws Beau into the mirrors again and Beau dryly tells us that it hurts and he thinks his bones have re-broken. We end the chapter with Beau screaming.

Do you know, the next chapter is only four pages and again there is hardly anything new except the end. Let’s crack on!

Joss decides to eat Beau but something yanked him back. WHAT COULD IT BE!?!

Grumpy Cat

Joss is then torn apart and it is described as metal screeching. I will still never understand that as they are rock and they don’t screech. Farewell Joss! You were a terrible and hammy villain so we don’t miss you.

Edythe is sobbing on Beau and screaming for Carine to help him. I thought you had two medical degrees, Edythe? Can’t you do something? Well, apparently yes, she is blowing air into Beau’s lungs. Is this even necessary? He doesn’t seem to be having trouble breathing as he isn’t describing anything but feeling like he is on fire.

Beau does feel the need to inform us how beautiful Edythe is while in his death throes. Now is not the time! They discover that Beau has been bitten and they do that stupid venom sucking thing from the original. However, now that Alice is a man he now realises he can bitch slap women and promptly does that to Edythe.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 75

Archie informs them that they are too late and he can only see two futures which is Beau as a vampire or dead. He says they are too late. I must ask why they are as Joss never stopped talking so surely there was just the same amount of time to save Beau as there was for Bella.

Archie asks if Carine can help speed up his death or make him comfortable as this is agonising for him but Carine says no as she took an oath. Fuck off Carine!

• Palliative care is to help the patient along to death in the most painless way as possible. All doctors will prescribe drugs to those in extreme pain such as diamorphine for pain as well as midazalam to help calm the anxiety and distress. You cannot tell me Carine wouldn’t have that as she is always carrying around morphine. Doctors don’t just inject people and kill people but they also wouldn’t let a patient die in excruciating circumstances when there are drugs that could help them die painlessly.

• Carine is a hypocrite as she will do no harm but created Edythe, Earnest, Eleanor and Royal who have all killed people! She has thousands of deaths on her hands due to her spawn.

They ask Beau what he wants to do. Does he want death or vampirism and he says he just wants Edythe so she bites him. The problem is though, is that she never actually says to him if he would prefer death or vampirism. She spouts loads of nonsense about how she would die if he could have his life back. He needs an explicit question as right now he is out of his mind with pain so he doesn’t understand and naturally wants to be with Edythe without understanding the implications. I don’t think this could be a well informed decision but this is what Carine did to everyone else so I am not surprised. Carine never bothered to ask or tell Earnest, Royal, Edythe and Eleanor what was happening them too. So now Beau will become a vampire all from a vague answer to a vague question. I know we are meant to think this is so dramatic but it’s not as I can guarantee that Beau will be chuffed he is a vampire just like Bella so there will be no downsides or consequences because this is happy land!

God, that was bad! It was hammy and rushed. There was action this time even if it was described in a dull and flat tone and at least we have a new twist to make it a little bit different from the original. Also it means we will never get Demonspawn as I am sure Meyer would have found a way to hand wave it if they did. We are now entering entirely new territory as we are no longer following ‘Twilight’. This is an entire new beast.

We only have two chapters to go but they will be very long posts and split into multiple parts as there is just too much to discuss. Way too much for a one off chapter recap. We have now hit the chapter of so many words. It will be long, painful and face palm worthy so I advise you all to get some drinks and food to get you through. I will need copious amount of wine.

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