Once again, it’s been a while since I posted but I need to get this bitch done and dusted as I’m moving and I don’t want this rag taking up kilos in my suitcase. Last time, we saw how stupid Meyer is when it comes to forensics, coroners and death as she is allergic to research. This week is the final chapter so we expect a climax but we see sappy crap and more nonsense. Are you even surprised? Of course not! Let’s get cracking!

We jump back to our love birds sitting in a tree watching the cemetery. Beau asks what sort of future Edythe saw for them if she never wanted him to turn into a vampire. I can see his point as he would be wasting his life with an undead abomination and would have to have kept moving as he may age but she wouldn’t which would raise questions. So after years of repeating this as he grows old and the cover story changes from lovers, to father and daughter to grandfather and granddaughter which is just creepy until the sweet release of death took him.

This exactly what Edythe says but as husband and wife but that wouldn’t work for a cover story as Beau’s arse would be thrown into prison for statuary rape pretty quickly. They would be living in secret and he would still have to give up his family. Also their relationship would probably make Beau resentful and bitter through the years once he has lost his hair, gained weight, and creaky bones until he died while she stays beautiful and young. This relationship just wouldn’t work if Beau stayed human.

Beau actually speaks sense and says what I said about how it would be when people would mistake him as her grandfather. I hate to agree with him but he is right as he would get thrown into jail. Edythe says that wouldn’t have bothered her but that is just selfish as she is not taking his feelings into account at all. Maybe he would mind being mistaken as a pervert! Edythe is such a selfish bitch.

Beau then kind of proposes which I find totally inappropriate. I know Meyer is probably going for the whole rebirth into his new life by shedding his old via death which is fine! I am OK with that but not in the cemetery where Beau has just watched his parents go through the worst experience of their lives. This just comes across as selfish, self-centred and callous. This proposal should have happened in the meadow once they had left the funeral. That would have been appropriate as that is their stupid special place. They first went when they declared their love and Edythe could finally show Beau the real her so the proposal taking place there would have been nice as they are both undead abominations and can love equally which she never thought they could.

The next bit makes no sense as Beau says they could make friends in college and then have a lovely wedding with everyone there. Edythe stamps on this saying that it has to end with another funeral as they don’t age which is stupid as they do this all the time! They leave and start somewhere new, they don’t always die at the end of each place. Know your own damn cannon, Meyer!

I can’t slam it with a point (which has died off) as this was never a problem in the original and it was never mentioned that they would have to die in the end. I do think she is lamp shading ‘Breaking Dawn’ though as Edythe says this:

“And then all we have to worry about is never aging … and getting on the bad side of the Volturi … I’m sure that would end well.”

I’m so confused as she cannot make us think they are threat as apparently they aren’t evil anymore and even when they were, they still walked home without a fight.

We get some more awful messages as Beau says his life had no point before he met Edythe. That is so utterly offensive as not everyone meets their soulmate or whatever so Meyer feels the need to say that their lives have no point as they don’t have their Twu Wuv. It’s pathetic as well as many people have rich and fulfilling lives without getting married. Meyer is just an idiot again.

They then both make out in the tree and then Carine calls with an emergency! They run to the Cullen house and what do you know! The werewolves are here and they are pissed. KILL THEM!! Make this the best book ever by having the werewolves eat the Cullens. I would be so happy.

Edythe translates for them and it seems that the wolves are angry as they think that the Cullens broke the treaty by turning Beau into a vampire. Well, technically they haven’t as they didn’t do the initial nomming but Edythe did bite him to speed up the process and the Cullens had promised they would never bite another human. So yes, the treaty is broken and also the wolves have a point as due to the Cullens presence and openness to people eating vampires by welcoming them into their home then this was bound to happen at some point. They helped bring about this treaty violation due to their flippancy towards people eating vampires in the area. The wolves have every right to attack them.

However, the wolves are being reasonable as the pack is quite small at the moment and know that the losses would be huge and are demanding that the Cullens leave. Carine is an idiot and doesn’t understand why. Uh, maybe because a human has been turned because of your incompetence which to the wolves is worse than death, you moron!

The wolves for obvious reasons think they killed Beau, which they did as Edythe decided to stalk him which led to the events with the tracker. These people take no responsibility for their actions but just do some faux breast beating of despair.

Beau decides to pause and ask what is happening after Edythe asks him to explain his story to the wolves. Now is not the time for explanations, just tell them the damn story! Edythe politely explains that these wolves are the Quileutes. Beau does explain them in faux teenage talk to show us that he is in fact a teenager as he seemed to have forgotten that for a while and spoke in flowery prose instead.

The wolves want Beau to speak to Bonnie as she is the tribal leader, this makes sense as they don’t want to screw anything up and she is the best person to consult. This logic kept me pacified which was not a good thing as I then had a huge rage and fit when I read the next bit:

“You can do it Beau,” Edythe said. “You’re the most rational newborn I’ve ever seen.”

It’s true,” Carine agreed. “I’ve never seen someone adapt so easily. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a decade old.”

Day-of-Rage

I am not ranting again as I have done it before with lots of words and I don’t want to do it again. I am just so annoyed that we had to pause this supposed dangerous situation and climax to wank over how amazing Beau is and how he is the most amazing vampire to ever vampire.

The wolves will only allow three vampires to go as there are only three wolves which again seems fair as they trying to be reasonable here. They decide that it should be Edythe, Beau and Carine but I get angry again as Eleanor is all hurt. Why am I angry? It is so obvious that she wants to go is to kill things because that is all she ever wants to do no matter the situation. She is so much worse than Emmett, I am convinced it is to show her as a strong woman but she comes across as a murdering psychopath.

Carine for some stupid and enraging reason says that the wolves are the true heroes. YES, THEY ARE!!!! Yet throughout the originals all we ever heard was how yucky, stinky, violent, childish, prejudiced and brown these people were. Bella never called Edward and the Cullens out for what racist bastards they were yet would scold Jacob anytime he called the vampire leeches even though he was called a mutt and a dog constantly. Even in the end, Sam was the most reasonable when it came to Bella’s choice of vampirism but he was never given the credit. Also the pack and Cullens only came together in the end due to demon baby and imprinting, not because they wanted too. The vampires never treated the wolves well. I am dragging up this ‘Breaking Dawn’ quote to hammer the message home:

“I was amazed at the easy acceptance the visiting vampires had for Jacob; the problems Edward had anticipated had never materialized. Jacob seemed more or less invisible to them, not quite a person, but also not food, either. They treated him the way people who are not animal-lovers treat the pets of their friends.

Leah, Seth, Quil, and Embry were assigned to run with Sam for now, and Jacob would have happily joined them, except that he couldn’t stand to be away from Renesmee, and Renesmee was busy fascinating the strange collection of Carlisle’s friends.”

They didn’t even acknowledge Jacob as a person but an animal to ignore. It is like that they don’t even think he is a creature capable of thought and feelings. This is why I struggle to accept what Carine has said as we have four books of proof of how the Cullens regard the wolves and it is not as heroes but as pathetic dogs.

“They think we’re the villains,” Royal pointed out.”

YES, YOU ARE!!! Most vampires are villains and their tribe was almost wiped out by these abominations so of course they hate you! They have just seen Beau standing there as a vampire, what else are they going to think! They are not being prejudiced for no good reason but because these things kill people or condone it.

They wring their hands and I noticed that they all had dialogue and presence except Earnest so I guess he is just taking a smoke break off screen and being as useful as Esme is in times of crisis. Off they trot and Edythe says if the smell is too bad then to hold his breath and run. Once, again this makes vampires look awful as it seems pretty easy to not kill people.

Some wolf lady picks up Bonnie from the car and we have our exciting climax! Beau has to comment about how weak and rough Bonnie sounds compared to the vampires. Fuck off Beau! That woman is not weak because she is not a vampire. I would be sick to death of the generic golden wind chimes voices, where is the variety? Oh that’s right, none!

Bonnie thinks they are talking shit (Go Bonnie!) I also love her as she sounds angry because how can she expected to believe that Beau is in that thing that is standing there. She honestly says this and I was so happy. Beau is shocked by how hurt she sounds but also how much hatred is in her voice. He is such a dipshit, of course she feels those things as her best friend thinks his son is dead! She has had to comfort him and care for him and now she sees that he is according to her, an abomination. Also, she is seeing that her friend is going through what could have been preventable pain all because of the selfishness of the Cullens.

Beau explains his story and says they saved him. I now want to cheer for Bonnie again as she says this:

“If they hadn’t got involved with you, this would never have happened! Charlie’s life wouldn’t be broken into pieces – you’d still be the boy I knew.”

THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU BONNIE!!

Beau says he can counter this argument by saying how nummy he is to other vampires. Errm…. He has managed to not be eaten before when he lived in the South and considering he wanted to go to college somewhere sunny then I think he would have been OK. He goes on about how special he is and how vampires would smell him and have to eat him as he is just so awesome.

The Cullens agree to leave in a year and Bonnie agrees and then apologises! She has nothing to apologise for! Beau’s argument was nonsensical as all he said was that he smells yummy, the chances of him being killed are small. I hate when Meyer gives her character’s lobotomies to force her plot. I would have liked it if the Cullens were moved on straight away as it shows a genuine climax and resolution that isn’t made out of unicorn farts. It would have shown consequences for allowing Beau to change, yes he has his happy ending but it would come as a cost as his parents don’t count as he doesn’t care. Instead we just have the Mighty Whitey Cullens dazzling the brown natives with logic and wit, which just makes me want to throw things against the wall again.

Carine has to be patronising bitch and say that everything is OK because of course the silly brown people would be confused but if they just listened to her whiteness then they could understand each other more. Bonnie tells her to go fuck herself (I love her again) which is Meyer’s way of showing us how much better the Cullens are but I still don’t think that. Bonnie has every damn right to tell them to fuck off as these things have killed her people and the Cullens are friends with killers too.

Beau decides to breath and smells Bonnie. He goes on about how she smells like the finest steak which surprises me as she is a Native American and as we have learnt from this awful series is that they smell icky but apparently not which is a relief. We really don’t need any more racism after the previous section. Beau wanks over himself for staying in control because he wants to be fine with blood so BAM he is. I am not going to bother ranting anymore as I am tired. I am able to muster enough energy to be annoyed as Carine has the gall to look awed at Beau. I can’t wait to burn this book once I am done.

Beau then pretends to care about his parents and asks Bonnie to take care of them. I think Beau is being selfless again but considering we saw his attitude at his funeral then this falls flat. Bonnie is now reaching maximum awesome status as she coldly tells him that she would have done that anyway. Beau wants to know if there is anything that he can do that can help (he is so lying) and Meyer takes away Bonnie’s awesome by moving her lips like a puppet to wank over Beau and how he seems like his old self. BITE ME!

Beau then asks if Bonnie can tell Jules that being a vampire is great and how happy he is. Bonnie shudders and promises that she will. DON’T DO IT BONNIE! Bonnie then wheels away with a dramatic single tear rolling off her cheek. This is reading like a bad soap opera.

Beau for some strange reason says that he wishes that he could see Bonnie and Jules again. Funny how he never says that about his parents. Hmm….. telling. Beau asks Edythe if she was shocked about the wolve’s resurgence and she says no. I am quoting the next bit as Meyer felt the need to torture me on the very last page.

“I mean, I knew you were special, Beau, but that was something else back there. Jessamine is not going to believe it.”

owl

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! CAN WE STOP WANKING OVER BEAU!?!!?!

*Sobbing*

I am so close to the end. I can do this!

Meyer has truly destroyed her cannon and made her vampires the most awful things in the universe that Meyer created in her strange little head. Bella had her nonsensical preparation rubbish to explain her self-control but that isn’t the case here. Why is Beau like this? I have ranted and argued against this but that was like a knife to my heart as it is just painful.

Edythe tells Beau how awesome he is and how much she loves him. I don’t care!

“I pulled her tight against me. “I can handle anything as long as you’re with me.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Then here I will stay.”

“Forever,” I said.

“Forever,” she agreed.

I leaned down until my lips found hers.

Forever was going to be amazing.”

Oh, barf! That is just as disgusting and cheesy as ‘Breaking Dawn’ but hey! The book is over!!! Well, not quite so save the champagne just for now. The main text is done but we do have the afterword, a few interviews where Meyer shows that she knows nothing about her own cannon and my final thoughts but we no longer have to read about the adventures of Beau and Edythe!

HappyCat.jpg

Until next time!

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