‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Afterword “Whine and Cheese”

We have finally finished the main text and have now moved onto the asides. They are important to look at as we can see Meyer’s thoughts towards this book and how her attitudes towards the Saga and her attitudes as an author have changed in the last ten years. This week is the Afterword which she has never done before. Let’s jump in!

“We meet again, gentle reader.”

No, go away!

“I know it’s a lot, to expect you to read both a foreword and an afterword, but there are a few things I wanted to say that I couldn’t include in the beginning without spoiling the fun of your read.”

No, it was not fun to read and I almost pulled my own eyeballs out and set them on fire.

Also, why is it a lot to read? There is nothing wrong with a foreword and afterword as sometimes it is nice to read what the authors thoughts are of the book as a whole once you have finished reading it. It’s almost like she thinks she is unique in doing this and well, she isn’t.

“So, obliviously, I cheated. I did not stay true to the original story in the conclusion of my swap, and I am not sorry. It was exciting, and I very much enjoyed writing the alternate ending.”

There is nothing wrong writing an alternative ending for something like this and it really doesn’t bother me. It was obvious from the beginning that something would be different as the original ended on a sort of cliff hanger with Jacob warning Bella about the Cullens, which wouldn’t have worked as well as this is a stand-alone book. It is better skipping the middle books to get to the vampirism as it means there will be no more books with these awful characters in for me to suffer through. What I don’t like about this paragraph is that she sounds very defensive about the ending which is a bit childish. She comes across as saying well if you don’t like then nyah nyah as I did!

“But let me be quick to say, the fact that Beau becomes a vampire has at all nothing to do with the fact he is a boy, not a girl. This change also does not mean that I prefer it to the original or think the original was “wrong”. This has always just been the big what if?, of the story. If, like Beau, Bella had left the airport just five minutes earlier.”

Wow, there was no need for that to be in here. I have been pointing out all of the sexism in this book and counting it and I never thought the change to the ending was a sexism thing. It just seemed like she was writing an alternate ending to the original which I really don’t have a problem with and was probably better than just a copy and pasted ending to match the rest. What I don’t like is her attitude. She sounds like she is on an epic whine fest which shows that she has not learnt a thing since ‘Breaking Dawn’ and cannot act like a professional author for the life of her.

“There’s a lot of happiness in Beau and Edythe coming together, in taking away the stumbling block between them, so much earlier. But there’s also great sadness. As a human, Bella had to endure a lot more pain than Beau did, but in the end I know she would tell you it was all worth it.”

What pain did Bella honestly have to suffer? She didn’t care about her parents but was still able to have them in her life. The whole Jacob thing didn’t last long and she forgot him constantly when she was shagging Edward on her honeymoon, or getting married or just whenever Edward looked at her while Jacob was off stage. Even the break up!?! Yes, she was a zombie but that was because she refused to move on but was rewarded for that as she got Edward back within a few months. Even death baby! Yes, she endured a horrible pregnancy but it only lasted a month and then she was rewarded with the most amazing baby ever to baby. She barely suffered and if she did then it never lasted long and she was then handed everything she wanted on a plate while she flopped around uselessly. So naturally Bella would say it was all worth it as she got everything she ever wanted.

“Beau will be fine – more than fine, he’ll be very happy – but he’ll always have the one big regret. Bella was able to put her house in order, and she’s confident she got the best version of the story.”

Well duh! Bella got to birth the most amazing baby ever which was the entire focus of ‘Breaking Dawn’ and had a devoted baby sitter in Jacob. This is not shocking or surprising to me.

Also does Meyer even know her own cannon? Bella never bothered sorting out anything for her vampirism. She missed her college start date due to humping Edward so that was out. All she said was she going off to get married and move in with Edward, that was it! She didn’t even bother to find out if her transformation would start a war between vampires and werewolves. Bella wanted vampirism and she wanted it NOW!

Also I really can’t believe that Beau regrets losing his parents as he thought his mother was a mentally insufficient cabbage and actively avoided his father.

“So that is the end of Beau and Edythe’s story. You are free to imagine the rest –when, where and how they get married … what Victor might try in order to get revenge … what Beau and Jules will say to each other when they meet again … if Beau and Royal will ever become friends … where the Volturi led by Sulpicia are more begin, less corrupt organization (I think so)…”

I thought we were told that Victor couldn’t be bothered to get revenge? What’s annoying is that she clearly couldn’t be bothered to wonder this stuff up herself as she says she thinks that Sulpicia is better but doesn’t know. She is the author! I am not even surprised as she never told anyone why Leah was the only the female werewolf or who Embry’s father was.

I will take the opportunity to imagine the rest. In my head Beau’s control was a farce due to cannon and he snaps when he smells a human and actively tries to kill them but the wolves step in and they kill Beau and the Cullens as they try to attack the wolves. The wolves are then able to presume their previous lives and age again as the vampire threat in Forks has now gone.

“I hope you’ve enjoyed a different look at Twilight that really isn’t different at all (except at the end, which I don’t apologize for).

Again, thank you for everything you’ve meant to me in the last ten years.

Thank you!
Stephenie”

princess

*Twitches*

No I have not enjoyed this different look and actually I think it was honestly worse which is saying something. Also it is the same as I still had to read about the most awful, murderous and selfish characters on the planet, seems like the same book to me. Also it is so much worse due to the amplification of sexism and flippancy towards mental illness.

Also look at that! She is whining again! No one cares that she changed the ending. It could have been interesting if we didn’t have a rushed version of ‘Breaking Dawn’ wanking but I will go into that in my final thoughts. I am so slamming this entire section with 10 WAHHHH!!! points as it is so whiney and defensive.

WAHHHH!!! 84

I’m snipping the last bit as she is just going on about not having an official playlist for this wreck and I don’t think any of us actually care.

Next time is the Tumblr Q&A as that is the closest we will get to an FAQ to this thing. Until next time my dear readers!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Epilogue Part 2 “What Does Every Funeral Need? A Proposal!”

Once again, it’s been a while since I posted but I need to get this bitch done and dusted as I’m moving and I don’t want this rag taking up kilos in my suitcase. Last time, we saw how stupid Meyer is when it comes to forensics, coroners and death as she is allergic to research. This week is the final chapter so we expect a climax but we see sappy crap and more nonsense. Are you even surprised? Of course not! Let’s get cracking!

We jump back to our love birds sitting in a tree watching the cemetery. Beau asks what sort of future Edythe saw for them if she never wanted him to turn into a vampire. I can see his point as he would be wasting his life with an undead abomination and would have to have kept moving as he may age but she wouldn’t which would raise questions. So after years of repeating this as he grows old and the cover story changes from lovers, to father and daughter to grandfather and granddaughter which is just creepy until the sweet release of death took him.

This exactly what Edythe says but as husband and wife but that wouldn’t work for a cover story as Beau’s arse would be thrown into prison for statuary rape pretty quickly. They would be living in secret and he would still have to give up his family. Also their relationship would probably make Beau resentful and bitter through the years once he has lost his hair, gained weight, and creaky bones until he died while she stays beautiful and young. This relationship just wouldn’t work if Beau stayed human.

Beau actually speaks sense and says what I said about how it would be when people would mistake him as her grandfather. I hate to agree with him but he is right as he would get thrown into jail. Edythe says that wouldn’t have bothered her but that is just selfish as she is not taking his feelings into account at all. Maybe he would mind being mistaken as a pervert! Edythe is such a selfish bitch.

Beau then kind of proposes which I find totally inappropriate. I know Meyer is probably going for the whole rebirth into his new life by shedding his old via death which is fine! I am OK with that but not in the cemetery where Beau has just watched his parents go through the worst experience of their lives. This just comes across as selfish, self-centred and callous. This proposal should have happened in the meadow once they had left the funeral. That would have been appropriate as that is their stupid special place. They first went when they declared their love and Edythe could finally show Beau the real her so the proposal taking place there would have been nice as they are both undead abominations and can love equally which she never thought they could.

The next bit makes no sense as Beau says they could make friends in college and then have a lovely wedding with everyone there. Edythe stamps on this saying that it has to end with another funeral as they don’t age which is stupid as they do this all the time! They leave and start somewhere new, they don’t always die at the end of each place. Know your own damn cannon, Meyer!

I can’t slam it with a point (which has died off) as this was never a problem in the original and it was never mentioned that they would have to die in the end. I do think she is lamp shading ‘Breaking Dawn’ though as Edythe says this:

“And then all we have to worry about is never aging … and getting on the bad side of the Volturi … I’m sure that would end well.”

I’m so confused as she cannot make us think they are threat as apparently they aren’t evil anymore and even when they were, they still walked home without a fight.

We get some more awful messages as Beau says his life had no point before he met Edythe. That is so utterly offensive as not everyone meets their soulmate or whatever so Meyer feels the need to say that their lives have no point as they don’t have their Twu Wuv. It’s pathetic as well as many people have rich and fulfilling lives without getting married. Meyer is just an idiot again.

They then both make out in the tree and then Carine calls with an emergency! They run to the Cullen house and what do you know! The werewolves are here and they are pissed. KILL THEM!! Make this the best book ever by having the werewolves eat the Cullens. I would be so happy.

Edythe translates for them and it seems that the wolves are angry as they think that the Cullens broke the treaty by turning Beau into a vampire. Well, technically they haven’t as they didn’t do the initial nomming but Edythe did bite him to speed up the process and the Cullens had promised they would never bite another human. So yes, the treaty is broken and also the wolves have a point as due to the Cullens presence and openness to people eating vampires by welcoming them into their home then this was bound to happen at some point. They helped bring about this treaty violation due to their flippancy towards people eating vampires in the area. The wolves have every right to attack them.

However, the wolves are being reasonable as the pack is quite small at the moment and know that the losses would be huge and are demanding that the Cullens leave. Carine is an idiot and doesn’t understand why. Uh, maybe because a human has been turned because of your incompetence which to the wolves is worse than death, you moron!

The wolves for obvious reasons think they killed Beau, which they did as Edythe decided to stalk him which led to the events with the tracker. These people take no responsibility for their actions but just do some faux breast beating of despair.

Beau decides to pause and ask what is happening after Edythe asks him to explain his story to the wolves. Now is not the time for explanations, just tell them the damn story! Edythe politely explains that these wolves are the Quileutes. Beau does explain them in faux teenage talk to show us that he is in fact a teenager as he seemed to have forgotten that for a while and spoke in flowery prose instead.

The wolves want Beau to speak to Bonnie as she is the tribal leader, this makes sense as they don’t want to screw anything up and she is the best person to consult. This logic kept me pacified which was not a good thing as I then had a huge rage and fit when I read the next bit:

“You can do it Beau,” Edythe said. “You’re the most rational newborn I’ve ever seen.”

It’s true,” Carine agreed. “I’ve never seen someone adapt so easily. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a decade old.”

Day-of-Rage

I am not ranting again as I have done it before with lots of words and I don’t want to do it again. I am just so annoyed that we had to pause this supposed dangerous situation and climax to wank over how amazing Beau is and how he is the most amazing vampire to ever vampire.

The wolves will only allow three vampires to go as there are only three wolves which again seems fair as they trying to be reasonable here. They decide that it should be Edythe, Beau and Carine but I get angry again as Eleanor is all hurt. Why am I angry? It is so obvious that she wants to go is to kill things because that is all she ever wants to do no matter the situation. She is so much worse than Emmett, I am convinced it is to show her as a strong woman but she comes across as a murdering psychopath.

Carine for some stupid and enraging reason says that the wolves are the true heroes. YES, THEY ARE!!!! Yet throughout the originals all we ever heard was how yucky, stinky, violent, childish, prejudiced and brown these people were. Bella never called Edward and the Cullens out for what racist bastards they were yet would scold Jacob anytime he called the vampire leeches even though he was called a mutt and a dog constantly. Even in the end, Sam was the most reasonable when it came to Bella’s choice of vampirism but he was never given the credit. Also the pack and Cullens only came together in the end due to demon baby and imprinting, not because they wanted too. The vampires never treated the wolves well. I am dragging up this ‘Breaking Dawn’ quote to hammer the message home:

“I was amazed at the easy acceptance the visiting vampires had for Jacob; the problems Edward had anticipated had never materialized. Jacob seemed more or less invisible to them, not quite a person, but also not food, either. They treated him the way people who are not animal-lovers treat the pets of their friends.

Leah, Seth, Quil, and Embry were assigned to run with Sam for now, and Jacob would have happily joined them, except that he couldn’t stand to be away from Renesmee, and Renesmee was busy fascinating the strange collection of Carlisle’s friends.”

They didn’t even acknowledge Jacob as a person but an animal to ignore. It is like that they don’t even think he is a creature capable of thought and feelings. This is why I struggle to accept what Carine has said as we have four books of proof of how the Cullens regard the wolves and it is not as heroes but as pathetic dogs.

“They think we’re the villains,” Royal pointed out.”

YES, YOU ARE!!! Most vampires are villains and their tribe was almost wiped out by these abominations so of course they hate you! They have just seen Beau standing there as a vampire, what else are they going to think! They are not being prejudiced for no good reason but because these things kill people or condone it.

They wring their hands and I noticed that they all had dialogue and presence except Earnest so I guess he is just taking a smoke break off screen and being as useful as Esme is in times of crisis. Off they trot and Edythe says if the smell is too bad then to hold his breath and run. Once, again this makes vampires look awful as it seems pretty easy to not kill people.

Some wolf lady picks up Bonnie from the car and we have our exciting climax! Beau has to comment about how weak and rough Bonnie sounds compared to the vampires. Fuck off Beau! That woman is not weak because she is not a vampire. I would be sick to death of the generic golden wind chimes voices, where is the variety? Oh that’s right, none!

Bonnie thinks they are talking shit (Go Bonnie!) I also love her as she sounds angry because how can she expected to believe that Beau is in that thing that is standing there. She honestly says this and I was so happy. Beau is shocked by how hurt she sounds but also how much hatred is in her voice. He is such a dipshit, of course she feels those things as her best friend thinks his son is dead! She has had to comfort him and care for him and now she sees that he is according to her, an abomination. Also, she is seeing that her friend is going through what could have been preventable pain all because of the selfishness of the Cullens.

Beau explains his story and says they saved him. I now want to cheer for Bonnie again as she says this:

“If they hadn’t got involved with you, this would never have happened! Charlie’s life wouldn’t be broken into pieces – you’d still be the boy I knew.”

THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU BONNIE!!

Beau says he can counter this argument by saying how nummy he is to other vampires. Errm…. He has managed to not be eaten before when he lived in the South and considering he wanted to go to college somewhere sunny then I think he would have been OK. He goes on about how special he is and how vampires would smell him and have to eat him as he is just so awesome.

The Cullens agree to leave in a year and Bonnie agrees and then apologises! She has nothing to apologise for! Beau’s argument was nonsensical as all he said was that he smells yummy, the chances of him being killed are small. I hate when Meyer gives her character’s lobotomies to force her plot. I would have liked it if the Cullens were moved on straight away as it shows a genuine climax and resolution that isn’t made out of unicorn farts. It would have shown consequences for allowing Beau to change, yes he has his happy ending but it would come as a cost as his parents don’t count as he doesn’t care. Instead we just have the Mighty Whitey Cullens dazzling the brown natives with logic and wit, which just makes me want to throw things against the wall again.

Carine has to be patronising bitch and say that everything is OK because of course the silly brown people would be confused but if they just listened to her whiteness then they could understand each other more. Bonnie tells her to go fuck herself (I love her again) which is Meyer’s way of showing us how much better the Cullens are but I still don’t think that. Bonnie has every damn right to tell them to fuck off as these things have killed her people and the Cullens are friends with killers too.

Beau decides to breath and smells Bonnie. He goes on about how she smells like the finest steak which surprises me as she is a Native American and as we have learnt from this awful series is that they smell icky but apparently not which is a relief. We really don’t need any more racism after the previous section. Beau wanks over himself for staying in control because he wants to be fine with blood so BAM he is. I am not going to bother ranting anymore as I am tired. I am able to muster enough energy to be annoyed as Carine has the gall to look awed at Beau. I can’t wait to burn this book once I am done.

Beau then pretends to care about his parents and asks Bonnie to take care of them. I think Beau is being selfless again but considering we saw his attitude at his funeral then this falls flat. Bonnie is now reaching maximum awesome status as she coldly tells him that she would have done that anyway. Beau wants to know if there is anything that he can do that can help (he is so lying) and Meyer takes away Bonnie’s awesome by moving her lips like a puppet to wank over Beau and how he seems like his old self. BITE ME!

Beau then asks if Bonnie can tell Jules that being a vampire is great and how happy he is. Bonnie shudders and promises that she will. DON’T DO IT BONNIE! Bonnie then wheels away with a dramatic single tear rolling off her cheek. This is reading like a bad soap opera.

Beau for some strange reason says that he wishes that he could see Bonnie and Jules again. Funny how he never says that about his parents. Hmm….. telling. Beau asks Edythe if she was shocked about the wolve’s resurgence and she says no. I am quoting the next bit as Meyer felt the need to torture me on the very last page.

“I mean, I knew you were special, Beau, but that was something else back there. Jessamine is not going to believe it.”

owl

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! CAN WE STOP WANKING OVER BEAU!?!!?!

*Sobbing*

I am so close to the end. I can do this!

Meyer has truly destroyed her cannon and made her vampires the most awful things in the universe that Meyer created in her strange little head. Bella had her nonsensical preparation rubbish to explain her self-control but that isn’t the case here. Why is Beau like this? I have ranted and argued against this but that was like a knife to my heart as it is just painful.

Edythe tells Beau how awesome he is and how much she loves him. I don’t care!

“I pulled her tight against me. “I can handle anything as long as you’re with me.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Then here I will stay.”

“Forever,” I said.

“Forever,” she agreed.

I leaned down until my lips found hers.

Forever was going to be amazing.”

Oh, barf! That is just as disgusting and cheesy as ‘Breaking Dawn’ but hey! The book is over!!! Well, not quite so save the champagne just for now. The main text is done but we do have the afterword, a few interviews where Meyer shows that she knows nothing about her own cannon and my final thoughts but we no longer have to read about the adventures of Beau and Edythe!

HappyCat.jpg

Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Epilogue Part 1 “Forensics: Idiot Version!”

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I posted as it was the man partner’s birthday, I was travelling around, went grocery shopping and my foot hurt. Anything to avoid doing this to be honest. However, this is the final chapter of this mess. It is so full of fail like the last chapter that it will most likely be a multiple part recap again. I hope everyone has alcohol and snacks of their choice ready as you will need them.

The chapter title is the same as the original ‘Epilogue: An Occasion’ but I think we can guess that Beau is not going to the prom. So where is our whiney hero? Watching his own funeral from a tree of course! Beau whines that he couldn’t watch in the service in the church, he is probably whining as he would have loved to have heard everyone talking about how amazing he was. Beau also feels the need to be an arsehole:

“The hearse was overkill. There hadn’t been enough of the body that they’d found inside the burned-out shell of my truck to need a casket. If I’d been able to consult with my parents, I would have told them not to waste the money and just get an urn. But I guess if it made them feel better … Maybe they wanted a grave to visit.”

I am saving the whole body thing for a moment as that will become a huge discussion but not just yet. Look at his attitude! He honestly doesn’t sound like he even cares. I worked in the funeral industry and when it comes to unexpected deaths then the family usually do go all out for the deceased but that it is usually for the comfort of the living family. I’m not saying that people who experienced the expected deaths for their loved ones and they do but it all depends on the family and usually the age of the deceased. There is nothing wrong with that but the family sometimes likes to throw themselves into the arrangements as a way of managing their grief, not all but many. Also most families who lose a child when they are young usually (again not all the time) opt for burial as many want to be able to visit their child and talk to them especially when burial is far more common in the U.S.

Beau almost seems to be mocking his parents for wanting a burial in a casket rather than just throwing him into the cremator. Some want that and there is nothing wrong with cremation but he makes it sound like a poor person’s funeral when it actually isn’t as many people have elaborate funerals that end in cremation. I think Meyer wanted Beau to come across as selfless here but he just across as callous and disdainful of his parent’s grief because he is a dickhead.

Beau mentions that he is being buried beside his grandparents which is a nice sentiment as they probably don’t want their son to be alone in death, so naturally Beau disdainfully tells us that it’s not like he even knows his grandparents. Why does he feel the need to shit on his parents on the worst day of their lives?

Now we have this section and Wow. I’m going to break it down though.

“I didn’t know the strangers name. I hadn’t wanted to know every detail about how Archie and Eleanor faked my death.”

I don’t why but that annoys me. I can understand not wanting details but considering they have just ripped some poor man from his resting place to be completely desecrated for the sake of Beau, I think most would show some sort of respect to at least acknowledge his name.

“I just knew that someone roughly my size who had recently been interred had taken one last trip. I assumed that all the identifiers had been destroyed – teeth, prints etc.”

There is just so much fail in two sentences! It also shows that Meyer is an idiot. Due to my experience in the funeral industry I have seen and worked with a variety of death so I understand how coroners and the system works as my job involved so much paperwork that I could hear the trees next to my office crying. *Cracks Knuckles* Let’s rip this apart.

WARNING! GRAPHIC DISCUSSION OF DEATH SKIP TO THE KITTENS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ!!!

Does Meyer have no clue what kind of death that Beau has just experienced? That is an unexpected and suspicious death. So what happens? Coroners get involved and they are extremely intricate when it comes to these kind of deaths. They would have an idea that it could be Beau via the registration number on his truck. This would mean they would have medical records on hand for identification to make sure 100% that the deceased was him. So that would mean the corpse they used fails because:

They would have his height on record so someone being roughly the same size would not fly. Even though they say not much was left, I think we can accept that from that description that Meyer means flesh as I cannot fathom where his skeleton would have got too especially as what most people don’t understand is that bones don’t burn. When the deceased go into the crematorium it is only the coffin and flesh that are cremated down to ash. The movies get cremated remains completely wrong as they don’t come out as a fine powder due to the bone fragments because when a body is cremated the skeleton is left but very brittle. Therefore, the skeleton goes into a grinder that renders the skeleton into fragments which are added to the cremated remains.

Therefore, Beau’s skeleton would be intact and a forensic anthropologist/osteologist can gain a wide variety of information from a skeleton and one thing they would be able to tell straight away is height. If it is slightly off, then this throws the investigation open as they can’t say it is Beau for certain.

Also it is only noted that size is similar and not the age. Unless they manage to find someone who was Beau’s size and exact age then the Coroner will know that this isn’t Beau as they can tell how old someone is via their bones.

Oh, but they removed the corpse’s teeth and finger prints! Doesn’t matter, if anything this looks even more suspicious as why would a seventeen-year-old have no teeth? It would be more than obvious that this is a cover up for murder and not an accident. Also, you can get DNA from skeletal remains so that still fails as the coroner would know that this was not Beau and this is murder.

Also, I think we can safely assume that there would be charred flesh still attached as the perfect cremation is done is in controlled circumstances. I am sure there would be some left as the car fire would unlikely last long enough to burn all flesh off the skeleton as most cremations last hours with constant flames. That burnt flesh and organs can tell a coroner many things and once again can give the coroner DNA which would be vital considering it was Beau’s truck then the coroner would want DNA from his parents as he is their most likely option and it needs to be confirmed first before they look at other options. The coroner would know that this is not Beau.

Another aspect that would throw this entire lie out the window is the fact they took an interred body. Depending on death then this person could have been dead for two to three weeks and as open casket funerals are a big thing in the U.S. then I think we can safely assume that he was embalmed which means removing all the blood and replacing it with embalming fluid. This would be most likely found in the Post Mortem as the tissue would likely to be tested and the fluid would be found but also a lack of blood. However, embalming and preparing the deceased takes more than that. Remember, this would have been likely to have been a quick fire that blew out the car and would have likely have burnt out quickly so there would be other evidence left there such as charred eye caps that are used to keep the eyelids shut. They may also find evidence of compaction tissue and maybe evidence that the body is not a fresh as they would like to think.

There is another aspect of forensics that Meyer is forgetting and that is recreation of a person via their skull. Beau’s skull would be there and the Coroner would not just identify the John Doe as Beau because of the car. They have to be 100% certain that this corpse is Beau as imagine the ramifications if Beau wandered home two weeks later. So if their options were exhausted then you have the experts who can reconstruct a person’s looks via their skull as they are unique. They would see that this person isn’t Beau.

Some people don’t understand how much information Forensic Pathologists and Scientists can get out of a crime scene and body. They would know that this isn’t Beau which means they have a murder case on their hands if they can’t find the post mortem embalming evidence but it also means that Beau is now missing.

This scene could never happen as Forensic experts are not fooled by childish attempts of a fake death and would be most likely interviewing the Cullens due to Beau screaming about her before he left.

Another aspect that I don’t think Meyer thought of is how did they find this corpse? Did they just break into every funeral home they could find and look at client files to find someone of the same height? That is ridiculous and considering how fast a body breaks down once interred due to time and moisture. I do not see how the Cullen’s could get a bloated corpse in their car without it exploding or disintegrating without anyone noticing. This would have taken them time to find that body and then to locate the grave as new graves do not have stones due to the ground needing time to settle which takes six months to a year. This is just not plausible.

I may have bought it if this was years down the line and he had been declared dead due to how long he had been missing for and they had a memorial ceremony for him and maybe a grave marker which people do. This just comes across as amateurish and stupid.

“I felt pretty bad for the guy, but I suppose he didn’t mind. He hadn’t felt anything when the truck veered into a ravine somewhere in Nevada and burst into flames.”

First off, does Meyer think because his body was in the heat then he would rot faster which means that identification is harder? Well, she is only partially correct. Heat does accelerate decomposition but only certain heat. Heat that is filled with moisture that you find in say Louisiana and other Southern States that experience muggy weather would decompose a corpse much faster than normal but Nevada is not like that. Nevada is a dry heat which is very good for preserving a corpse. Look at the Egyptian mummies that were peasants who couldn’t afford mummification. They were buried in the desert with no embalming and are some of the best preserved corpses known to archaeology due to the dry heat drying out the tissue and preserving them rather than rotting faster. I think Meyer just thinks Heat = Fast Decomposition. Well, she fails as Beau would be preserved like jerky which is helpful to the forensics team.

How does Beau know that he doesn’t mind? He maybe dead but Beau has no idea what his final wishes were. Many religions do not believe in burning a body and burial must be done. I think he would very much mind that his body was ripped from his resting place, desecrated violently by having his teeth ripped out and set on fire. He may not have felt anything but that doesn’t matter as he was completely violated in death and as someone from that industry and a decent person I find that deplorable and disrespectful.

Beau tries to make it sound better that his family had already mourned but no that is not the point as imagine how they would feel if they knew what happened to their loved one. This is just disgusting and I am moving on before I throw something.

Kittens

Beau describes his parents by saying his Mum can barely walk and he shows as much emotion as a wet tissue. He feels like he needs to shit on his Dad one last time by saying he is fat and can’t button up his suit and that his tie is too wide. Is now really the time?!?!

Beau then gives a laundry list of who is carrying his coffin and he doesn’t seem to care. Beau mentions how the whole school is there and crying but he blames it on the fact that they are facing their own mortality. Don’t be silly Beau, it’s because you’re special! *Vomits*

Now I find this weird, all the Cullens par Edythe are there and wearing grey. They just look like they are wearing that to stand out and this makes them look very disrespectful. If the dress code is black, then wear black! I recently went to the funeral of a loved one and the dress code was bright colours so I wore blue but so many mourners came in black that we looked disrespectful but so did they via ignoring the dress code of the deceased as he had stated he wanted that before he died. The dress code here is clearly black but they chose to ignore that and that is downright rude and shows what horrible people they are.

Beau then speaks in his dead and monotone voice that the service was like super long. He tells us that his Mum isn’t coping and his Dad looks brittle while people line up to give their condolences. There is no emotion whatsoever in this and sounds like a laundry list. This should be very emotive as he is seeing his parents suffering their worst nightmare and he can see their pain but can’t help them and console them. Imagine how horrible that must be for someone, you desperately want to hold your parents and reassure them but you can’t. There is no emotion in this and once again Beau sounds sociopathic.

Carine decides to make the funeral and their pain all about Edythe by saying she was hurting too much to be there and will now be home-schooled. How convenient.

I then want to punch Eleanor in the fucking face. Why?

“She was trying not to smile; Eleanor never took anything seriously.”

What a goddamn fucking whore to be smiling while watching two parents go through the worst thing that they could ever imagine. It doesn’t matter that Beau is fine as they do not know that and therefore find their grief funny. It’s not funny! These people are in deep mourning and will never get over the death of their only child. I really want to punch her as that is horrible. Meyer has made this character into something truly vile.

Everyone leaves but Charlie, who sits while the operatives fill in Beau’s grave. This could be heart breaking as Charlie is lost in his grief and Beau just doesn’t seem to care! He shows no emotion whatsoever which is just disturbing. Meyer cannot write emotion to save her life and this is terrible for first person POV as it comes across as sociopathic and disturbing.

I am ending this section here because even though we have only covered three pages there was a lot of discussion. I do wonder though why the funeral was included as Beau has shown zero issues with blood just like Bella so surely they could do the ‘Breaking Dawn’ thing and have Beau see Charlie again. I guess Meyer wanted a shocking ending and hoo-boy she is getting that with this mess.

Next time is lots of talking about vampirism and more stupidity. So close to the end!!!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 24 “Meyer Sets Fire to Her Own Cannon! *EXPLODES*” Part 3

Welcome to the third and final part of this awful chapter! We are about to meet Beau the vampire and naturally it is full of fail. Before we start though I want to remind you all of ‘Breaking Dawn’ where we see Bella the vampire. The fans were not impressed that she woke up and had Carlisle standard control towards human blood. It didn’t affect her at all and the fans were not happy as they wanted to see Bella struggle. They knew she would have an easier time but not to that extent where she is over her blood lust in a chapter. Meyer tried to hand-wave it with her own reasons. Below are a selection of quotes:

“He’s wondering if the newborn madness is really as difficult as we’ve always thought, or if, with the right focus and attitude, anyone could do as well as Bella. Even now — perhaps he only has such difficulty because he believes it’s natural and unavoidable. Maybe if he expected more of himself, he would rise to those expectations. You’re making him question a lot of deep-rooted assumptions, Bella.”

Breaking Dawn Chapter 23 ‘Memories’

“Or had Edward been correct in the beginning? Before Carlisle had suggested that my self-control could be something beyond the natural, Edward had thought my restraint was just a product of good preparation — focus and attitude, he’d declared.”

Breaking Dawn Chapter 31 ‘Talented’

Q: Why was Bella so controlled as a newborn? — Natasha

SM: Bella’s really the only vampire who went into it knowing what to expect, being mentally prepared and on guard for her reactions. And she’s a naturally stubborn person, which helps when you make up your mind to do something.

MTV Fan Questions

“At the end of Eclipse, Alice specifically says that nobody has ever made the conscious decision to become a vampire, and so none of them had any idea how Bella would handle the entire process.”

Seth (Meyer’s brother) petition response: http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/316459-seth-meyer-rot-in-hell

So according to these quotes from books, responses and interviews the reason Bella has super self-control is because she had decided to become a vampire months before her transformation so had mentally prepared herself for the new-born blood lust and how to stop it. We know that is bollocks as Bella had accepted that she would probably murder people but she was fine with that as she wants to be a vampire. Let’s just forget what we know because Meyer is a hack but go with what she has told us and that good preparation due to deciding on becoming a vampire rather than be forced into it caused this amazing self-control. Whereas those who didn’t know and were turned go through the new-born stage where they will murder anything in site is the standard. Therefore, Beau should be the same and a blood thirsty monster as he didn’t chose when in a sound mind but chose when he was in excruciating pain and only said that he wanted to stay with Edythe. Beau has not mentally prepared for this like Bella. Keep that in mind.

So we start with Archie researching his family after watching Joss’ tape and Beau hopes he destroyed it so Edythe wouldn’t be upset. Beau, she saw you broken and bleeding to death on the floor! I think she can guess what happened.

Beau whines for a while about the burning. Slowly, the burning stops at different sections of his body and drains to his heart. It’s all very dryly described.

“The pain was almost gone from everywhere but my chest. The only left-over was my throat, but it was a different burn now … drier … irritating…”

Wow, I can so understand why vampires murder people all the time to stop the burn in their throats as it is merely irritating. I find people who deliberately walk in the middle of a small pavement at a snail’s pace so I can’t get past them irritating. Can I murder them as I just need to get rid of that irritating feeling?

FAIL!

Beau decides to tell me how each individual Cullen’s footsteps sound. Thanks for that useless information. Next is a huge chunk of text because my God!

“The fire constricted tighter, concentrating into one fist-sized ball of pain with a final, unbearable surge. The surge was answered by a deep, hollow-sounding thud. My heart stuttered twice, then thudded quietly one more time.

There was no sound. No breathing. Not even mine.

For a second, all I could process was the absence of the pain. The dull, dry after burn in my throat was easy to ignore, because every other part of me felt amazing. The release was an incredible high.”

*THROWS CHAIR!!!*

YOU JUST DIED!!! HOW ARE YOU NOT FREAKING OUT THAT YOUR HEART AND BREATHING HAS STOPPED?!? THAT MEANS DEAD!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!

*THROWS WARDROBE!!!*

Also look at the way he has described his throat?! That is meant to be the excuse as to why vampires murder humans for food as the pain is just too much. Fuck this, I am quoting again to really ram the point home. This is from Meyer’s own mouth:

“In the Twilight world, this is not the case. Thirsty vampires are in acute physical pain. It is comparable to the feel of a third degree burn inside your throat. It can make a vampire literally crazy for relief—beyond thought. If your hand was on fire and there was a bucket of ice water beside you, would you resist that relief? Of course not.”

Stephenie Meyer: Twilight Lexicon Personal Correspondence 12

Now compare them together! Does Beau’s description of his throat as irritating really sound like the pain she has described? No, it doesn’t because Meyer cannot show and only holds our hands and tells us that it is that painful. Well, I don’t believe Meyer as Beau doesn’t seem to give a shit and isn’t in pain so that does not justify blatant murder. Beau should be in agony as he has just woken up as a vampire but no it is just irritating.

“I stared up at Edythe in wonder. I’d felt like I’d taken off a blindfold I’d been wearing all my life. What a view.”

Disgusted Cat.jpg

So to sum up: humans suck and Edythe is hot. We good?

Beau wanks over Edythe’s voice and looks again while shitting on his humanity. He then explains in excruciating detail about how they love to touch each other’s faces. Beau then declares that he will be animal eating vampire, I am guessing we are meant to be shocked about this but I’m really not as why would it be any different.

Edythe says they should hunt and Beau remembers that oh yeah his throat is a tad sore and is understandably nervous about hunting as he has never hunted before. I then come close to exploding as Edythe agrees that it will be just them hunting.

This was stupid in ‘Breaking Dawn’ and it is stupid here. Beau is meant to be a super strong, ravenous and blood thirsty new-born vampire so he really needs others with him if he comes across any humans. Edythe is tiny and has no offensive abilities to keep him in track, he is much bigger and stronger than her so could hurt her to get to humans. They should take Eleanor, Jessamine and Royal so they could pin him down and Jessamine could light another spliff to calm him down. This is ridiculous! The problem is though is that Meyer knows Beau would be fine (saving the rant) and she didn’t want the other Cullens to interrupt their romantic date of slaughtering innocent animals.

Beau looks at himself but I won’t bother quoting as he isn’t really describing anything but how angular he is and how icky his red eyes are. It’s annoying as I have a vague mental picture of Edythe but I honestly have no idea what Beau looks like and Meyer can’t be bothered to do that annoying third person description of appearance that she loves to do. I can’t even compare what Beau looks like as a human and then as a vampire. That is bad form.

“I still wore my bloodstained jeans, but I had an unfamiliar, pale blue shirt on. I didn’t remember that happening, but I could understand: vampire or human, no one wanted to hang around with someone drenched in vomit.”

Huh? I have a few thoughts to share.

Why didn’t they change his jeans too? Surely a blood soaked human is still a risk to the vampires, especially Jessamine. Wouldn’t the blood incite their blood lust? Speaking of Jessamine, why didn’t she go bat shit? This really makes ‘New Moon’ look stupid as why did Jasper go bat shit with a paper cut but could sit and drive Beau home bleeding out as he is transforming. Surely Jessamine could still have killed him before the transformation could take hold. This is just such a random thing to put in here. Why didn’t she just write that he had entirely new clothes on as that makes sense and doesn’t hurt my brain.

Beau wanks over his beauty because he now looks right next Edythe instead of someone she was taking pity on. Just say that you think you are handsome now rather trying to sound humble as we know you are not.

They dart off to the woods while Beau has to tell us how awesome and cool he is. This is just a great big wank to Beau and now I feel dirty. Beau tells us how when he jumps he is actually flying over the river. I heard all of this from Bella.

“She frowned. I don’t understand. You’re … in a very good mood.”

Yes, I know and it’s stupid. He hasn’t thought of his parents once!

“Oh. Is that wrong?”

HOW ABOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU’RE PARENTS DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AND ARE WORRIED SICK!?!

He is such a selfish little shit.

“Aren’t you incredibly thirsty?”

I swallowed against the burn. It was bad, but not as bad as the rest of the fire I’d just left behind. The thirst-burn was always there, and it got worse when I focused on it, but there were so many other things to focus on. “Yes, when I think about it.”

Oh, I thought it was just merely irritating?

Brave.gif

I’m saving it.

Edythe whines that she still can’t poke around in his head like everyone else and Beau apologises like the good dog he is. Edythe asks why he wanted to hunt with just her and he says he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Eleanor on his first hunt.

Edythe however thought he wanted to yell at her alone. Beau cannot believe this and wanted to tell her that everything is OK.

“I’m sad, of course, but I’m also good, Edythe.”

Again, don’t lie Beau. It is obvious that you don’t feel sad as remember we are stuck in your head and all you have done is go on about how awesome you are since you changed. Also, suck it Charlie and Renee! Beau merely feels sad that he will never see his parents again.

He blathers on about she saved his life and sorry to quote again but, well:

“She exhaled, almost like she was mad again. “How can you …? Beau, you have to see that this is all my fault. I haven’t saved your life, I’ve taken it from you. Charlie – Renee – ?”

Beau shuts his woman up by putting his finger to her mouth and says this:

“Yes. It’s hard, it’s going to be hard for a long time.”

Wow, such emotion about never seeing his parents again. He is really coming across as sociopathic as he has not thought about his parents once. It sounds like he is only saying that to reassure Edythe that he is not a sociopath.

Edythe feels the need to tell Beau how amazing he is because of how much he loves being a vampire. We then get the utter idiocy of Edythe saying that Joss was right and that she didn’t want Beau to be a vampire so Beau whines about how he will just go and wander alone in the woods so he doesn’t bother her.

WAHHHH!!! 74

Let her finish before you whine! I’m summing up the next bit as it is revolting. Edythe says that she didn’t want him to be a vampire as he is just too special and she didn’t want to take his humanity and life away from him for her own selfish desires. She explains that if he had nothing to leave behind then she would be so happy as Beau is just so awesome.

Blergh!

However, Beau has nothing to give up. He can’t stand his parents and has no ambitions other than being with Edythe.

They touch faces for a while spouting about their truest of true loves and then they kiss. It was sickening so I spared you. I am so not sparing you the next bit. Remember all the quotes I started this post with? Well:

“How are you doing this?” She laughed. “You’re supposed to be a newborn vampire and here you are, discussing the future calmly with me, smiling at me, kissing me! You’re supposed to be thirsty and nothing else.”

angry-cat-46341493

Day-of-Rage

explosion

hades

I knew I would explode at some point.

Congratulations Meyer, you have just destroyed your cannon completely and I will so explain it as that is appalling!

Bella was so super self-controlled because she was prepared! Well Beau wasn’t as he didn’t have the sex/vamping deal with Edythe. This was an accident so why is he like this? Meyer and Seth have told us that it is preparation, well it clearly isn’t and do you know what that means?

That Meyer’s vampires are a bunch of murdering bastards as new-born thirst is clearly not bad as Beau is fine! No preparation from him and he is fine on his first day. I never had sympathy with Meyer vampires but this has made it so much worse. All it is a dry and irritating burn and Beau can forget about it easily on his first day.

In Meyer’s attempt to avoid conflict she has destroyed her entire argument on vampire thirst and Bella’s preparation. Vampires should be able to control their thirst quite easily as we know that animal blood is fine as Bella described it as tangy which is pretty neutral for descriptions. So, yes these vampires choose to act like animals and murder for self-gratification. I already hated these things but I hate them even more now.

I’m sure Meyer would just say that Beau is special but no. I would be fine if this was an extra ability of Beau/Bella but we know it is not due to those quotes I put up. Beau is not special and vampires are murdering bastards who should be destroyed.

I get that this book is a one off and she wants a happy ending but she should have had Beau as a rabid new-born, let him feed on some deer so he calms down and then have this discussion and I love you declarations. After all, Rosalie and Carlisle weren’t rabid animals so why couldn’t have Beau been like that but just show us some struggle. Both Rosalie and Carlisle have never tasted human blood but they were still careful and didn’t hand-wave this. Then the next chapter should have been set a few months down the line so we can see that he has calmed down, stayed isolated so he didn’t kill anyone and then have the happy ending. This would also give Meyer her favourite hobby of avoiding conflict but not this!

I am so pissed off!

Beau decides to piss me off even more before this chapter ends by saying that they should go hunt and that it would be so easy as he is a vampire now.

*Seethes*

Thank God, that is the end of this chapter. That was awful and I want it to die! We have seen truly horrific mental health messages, spectacular history fails and Meyer setting fire to her own cannon for a conflict free ending. This book is honestly the worst as it just shows how Meyer as an author doesn’t care about the world and rules she has built. Next time is more fail and once again horrific implications and attitudes as we need to go out for a bang as it’s the final chapter. So close, yet so far.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 24 “Appalling Mental Health Messages, Gender Stereotyping and Mafia Fail. I Need Wine!” Part 2

Last time we started the beast that is chapter 24 where we learnt about the new Volturi and Edythe told Beau he can go out and murder all the people he wants if that’s what he would like to do. Romance of the ages!

We start with Beau trying to show us that he cares about his parents.

“So I couldn’t go to my dad’s house and let him see the eyes that Edythe said would be bright. I couldn’t even drive to Florida and hug my mom and let her know I wasn’t dead. I couldn’t even call her and explain the confusing message I’d left on her answering machine.”

I find it funny that he is now referring to his parents as mom and dad rather than what he used to call them. I know this is to show that he does care about them but I have read too many instances of Beau insulting them and blaming them for his lack of personality. This paragraph is too little and too late.

“Edythe moved on quickly – telling me about their friends in Canada who lived the same way. Three blond Russian brothers and two Spanish vampires who were the Cullen’s closest family. She told me that two of them had extra powers – Kirill could do something electrical, and Elena knew the talents of every vampire she met.”

*Face Palm*

• Meyer has said many times that they are from Denali (hence their names) which is in Alaska so therefore in the USA and not Canada. That is a major fail that I am now in pain.
• Kate, who is now Kirill was said to have been from Slovakia not Russia. How hard is it to know your own cannon? That is just sad.
• Kirill is a fail as he is a vampire from the dark ages and that name is the modern version of Kyrilu in Old Slavic which is the best language for ancient/medieval Russian names. Both are versions of Cyril but Kirill is the modern version. Historical Fail!
• Elena is much more attune for a Spanish vampire compared to Eleazar which is Hebrew in origin. Also Eleazar was very stereotypically Spanish that I am sure he would have been a Catholic as a human. So in this instance, the female name is more fitting with the character.

“Edythe told me that I would never age. That I would always be seventeen, like she was. That the world would change around me, I would remember all of it, never forgetting one second.”

Wow, he gets Bella’s dream as she hated being eighteen when Edward was seventeen. Also, I debunked the never forgetting crap earlier as Edythe doesn’t remember bugger all about her past as a human. That is also terrifying as the human mind purposefully makes traumatic events muddy with time as a coping mechanism but vampires never get that comfort. We know Meyer doesn’t see it like that as her vampires just boast about how awesome their memories are and learn everything so quickly. We can’t have any downsides in this little fantasy.

I am summarising the next paragraph as it’s boring and not creepy. Edythe explains that they move around a lot and Earnest likes to deface historical homes for them and Archie commits fraud so they have money. Nothing fascinating!

I must ask though how does Carine manage to hop to a different hospital each time? They may be able to fake I.D. but what does she do about references? She would need them to get a job as they don’t just take anyone with a medical degree. She couldn’t use references from previous employments as the age would be wrong as she would have documents that make her younger so she can stay for a few years so that would be flagged up if they contacted her references. She couldn’t just use her family as fake ones as it would be simple to see that this is fraud too as they can’t insert a fake doctor into the system and someone that the medical board haven’t heard of or can’t find. I think this is just another instance of Meyer showing how ignorant she is as she has lived a privileged life where she has never worked a proper job before. She has been a housewife and then an author but that is self-employment. It really does come across that she hasn’t a clue how the real world works.

“I would never sleep again.

Food would be disgusting to me. I would never be hungry again, only thirsty.

I would never get sick. I would never feel tired.

I would be able to run faster than a race car. I’d be stronger than any other species on the planet.

I wouldn’t need to breathe.

I would be able to see more clearly, hear even the smallest sound.

My heart would finish beating tomorrow or the next day, and it would never beat again.

I would be a vampire.”

Grumpy Cat

Wow, that was some serious wanking there.

I don’t get the whole food and disgust thing as Bella just showed indifference to it when she smelt Sue Clearwater cooking. She remarked that it probably smelt nice to them but she never showed disgust but was just baffled about these strange human customs as she is an alien who forgot her human life in a heartbeat.

Also surely you would be freaked out that you won’t need to breathe and your heart will stop beating which means you are dead. He is calmly discussing that he will be a walking corpse that will never find peace but he is just doing a strange combination of wanking over his upcoming awesome and sounding bored about it. There is no emotion there.

“One good thing about the burning – it let me hear all this with some distance. It let me process what she was telling me without emotion. I knew the emotion will come later.”

Oh, stop lying, Beau! You show no emotion in anything unless it’s glorifying Edythe’s anorexia or whining and they barely count as you usually sound indifferent. For God’s sake! He is dying and doesn’t give a shit!

Next up is the werewolves!

“Carine sat on the ground next to me and told me the most amazing story about Jules’s family – that her great-grandmother had actually been a werewolf. All the things Jules had scoffed about were straight history. Carine told me she’d promised them she would never bite another human. It was part of the treaty between them, the treaty that meant the Cullens could never go west to the ocean.”

Errmmm….. no the treaty said they can’t go to La Push where the tribe lives, they can’t stop them going to Japan via the Californian or Canadian coast. They don’t own the Pacific Ocean. Once again, this is proving that I know this awful cannon better than its own damn creator! I might have to cry when I have finished this as that is embarrassing.

Next is Jessamine and it is so rushed compared to ‘Eclipse’ but I am grateful as we don’t need the gender swapped and racist white Mexican Maria. I will recap it as it’s lame and not worthy of discussion. Jessamine was stolen by Man Maria and bitten, she then fought in the vampire army. I must say though that I am slamming it with a sexist point as Jasper was the General and Grand High Executioner but here it is just Jessamine as a soldier and no mention of rank. Pfft, woman can’t be Generals.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 76

Next is Earnest and this is really quite vile. I will quote his section and then I will discuss it.

“Earnest told me how his life had ended before he’d killed himself, about his unstable, alcoholic wife and the daughter he’s loved more than his own soul. He’d told me about the night when his wife, in a drunken rampage, had jumped off a cliff with his little daughter in her arms, and how he hadn’t been able to do anything but follow after them.”

First of all, why did Meyer have to put that stupid line about his soul in that as it is clearly a nod to that stupid necklace Bella threw at her daughter for Christmas. I don’t need reminders as it gives me flash backs to that book.

Now the serious part. Wow, that is horrifying and answers the question as to why Meyer aged up Esme’s baby so that Earnest has a two-year-old. For those who don’t know, in the illustrated guide Esme’s husband was physically abusive and she escaped when pregnant but her son died after a few days. So Earnest needed a tragic back ground and a horrible spouse. So, why did Meyer age Earnest’s child up? Well, I think she did that to try and prevent the inevitable defence that Earnest’s wife was clearly suffering from Postnatal Depression and thinks that if the child is two then she has no excuse. She did that to try and show that actually she was just abusive and a drunk who killed her child.

Well that fails. I am convinced that and the age of the child backs this up even more that she had Postnatal Depression but due to no treatment then it developed into Postnatal Psychosis. Look how she is described! She is described as unstable and turned to alcohol. Meyer has no idea what alcohol does to you as she is a Mormon, she probably thinks that people just decide to become alcoholics and that they become abusive. That is not the case at all and I really think that his wife turned to alcohol to cope with her Postnatal Depression and it became a serious problem.

So we can assume that her depression developed into full blown psychosis. Postnatal Psychosis is very dangerous and is very misunderstood. Many sufferers have been known to kill their children and afterwards many mothers say it was to protect them because the mental illness had completely taken over and made them think they had to kill them to protect them. The problem is that it is so misunderstood as the idea of a mother killing her children is an ultimate taboo so people don’t want to talk about but just brand these women as evil. I am not condoning what these women did but it could have been easily avoided if people would take this condition seriously and not just call it ‘Baby Blues’. It is far more serious than just feeling sad but people just won’t accept that a mother can feel anything but elation over her birth and motherhood.

Hormones are a big factor in what causes this and when mixed with someone who already has mental health history then it can be disastrous if there is no help given. I’ve known people who felt awful that they had to stop breastfeeding so they could go back to their medication due to Postnatal Depression and were vilified by others as mothers should breastfeed in many people’s views. People are so judgemental to new mothers that many don’t want to speak out that they aren’t loving motherhood and being a new mum can be one of the most isolating experiences in their lives. I am not condoning what these women have done but I will lay a lot of blame on all the people who fob them off when they seek help when this could be easily prevented.

There is nothing there in that text that says he even tried to help his wife, she is clearly vilified for not being a true Mother Goddess. It really makes me think that Earnest just thought she was awful rather than trying to understand what was going on and help her. He was too obsessed with his daughter but clearly didn’t help. People don’t just grab their children and jump off a cliff in a drunken stupor, that is classic Postnatal Pyschosis as many mothers will kill themselves with their children as many think that the world or something is too dangerous. Also I get the impression that he didn’t even love his wife because:

“Then he told me how, after the pain, there had been the most beautiful woman in a nurse’s uniform.”

That’s disgusting! He clearly hated his wife as he was quick to start drooling over the gorgeous nurse two days after she died. So now go back to his wife, she was clearly in a loveless marriage with a man who fawned over her child so had expectations over her skills as a mother, the psychosis and depression are building to extreme levels while she blocked the pain out with booze. Imagine how desperate she must have been to do that? What she did was wrong but I don’t think she is someone to hate but to pity for being born in a time with no mental health help and a husband who didn’t love her. She is like Leila from ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ who was a villain in E.L. James’ eyes but was just a victim to mental illness without the right help. She was to be pitied and not hated and I believe the same for Earnest’s wife.

This makes Meyer look appalling and an insensitive witch. She has no damn right to vilify someone like this when she has said countless times in interviews about how much of a burden her children are, how she used this series to escape from them and even went as far to create her perfect child who was a girl that she didn’t have. Meyer really needs to educate herself when she decides to write something like that as it has horrifying implications about her attitudes and understanding of mental health. She would probably hand-wave and say she wasn’t thinking of Postnatal Depression but she clearly was as why else would she age up the child from a few days to two years? There could be no other reason but she clearly doesn’t understand what Postnatal Depression can do if left untreated in someone with a history of mental illness. I will end this section with two simple words:

FUCK YOU!

Next up is Victor! I am summing up as it’s long winded with no substance but he realised Joss lost so thought fuck this and left. I know the reason why and that was because this is a one off book so all conflict needs to swept under the carpet and forgotten. However, that is not what I have a problem with. This is very telling as what did Victoria do? She went on a Hell bent mission to destroy all Cullens. What makes this interesting though is that in the guide when discussing vampires, she usually used the male pronoun but when it came to vampire vengeance when a mate is killed and they go on a murderous spree then it was described with the feminine pronoun. How telling. Let’s look at the vampires who have lost their mates and their reactions!

Marcus: Lost Didyme and has sat in Volterra like a depressed slug for 3000 years and never moved on.

Edward: When he thought Bella had died he wanted to kill himself. He only considered murder to make the Volturi kill him when they refused. He just wanted to die.

Victoria: Created a new-born army to kill the Cullens and Bella.

Irina: Wanted to commit genocide on the wolves when they killed her lover, Laurent.

Nameless Female Vampire: When the wolves killed her partner, she tried to commit genocide on the wolves.

So when male vampires lose their lady loves they just go into a depressive state and want to die but the female vampires turn into Hell bitches with a love of genocide and murder.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 77

“Even Royal took a turn. He told me about a life consumed with vanity, with material things with ambition.”

James

This reminds me of James so much but unlike James, Royal is not awesome!

“He told me about the only daughter of a powerful man – exactly what kind of power this man wielded, Royal hadn’t entirely understood – and how Royal had planned to marry her and become heir to the dynasty. How the beautiful daughter pretended to love him to please her father, and then how she watched her lover from a rival criminal syndicate had beaten Royal to death, how she’d laughed aloud the whole time.”

*Groans*

Right, as Royal was alive in 1930s New York and Meyer is stupid then I think we can assume that this girl is from the Sicilian Mafia as she is too thick to probably know of the Irish and Polish crime families so for sake of argument we are going to go for Sicilian.

Royal was the son of a banker and as Royal is blond haired and blue eyed then he is clearly not Sicilian descent. Also Royal has no idea what kind of power this man had which means he has no idea he is part of the mob and is not in the inner circle or even just someone from the neighbourhood who may know. He is clueless! So why on earth would this man want Royal as a son in law and heir to his dynasty?!?! Crime families do not work like that! Let’s break this down:

It is very unlikely that this man would only have one child who is a daughter as Sicilian families are known to have big families. This man would more than likely have sons and if he did then I could buy it if Royal was the son of a politician who is good to turn or one himself as he would be very useful to have in his pocket for more power but that is not the case and Royal wouldn’t be the heir.

Fine, let’s accept that he only has one child then and it is a girl. He would not let her marry a non-Italian who has no idea what his real business is to become his heir. He would want someone from the same heritage as him, who was close to the family and had proven themselves capable, loyal and useful. Royal fits none of that! Why on earth would he want Royal as he is not a person of use and influence as his father is a banker and Royal has no career to speak of.

Mafia families are incredibly secretive that’s why their operations are run out of common businesses as restaurants, casinos and laundry services and are usually in locations where those communities reside. New Jersey is a huge example for Italian Mafia families and for goodness sake New York has Little Italy. That is where they reside but Royal lived Rochester so when would he have even met these people?! For the father to want Royal to marry his daughter screams arranged marriage so that means he would have known them for a long time but how and why would this man be close to some random banker?

Also in the early 20th century Italian immigrants faced fierce discrimination from Americans as many were coming over at the time for a new life but Americans accused them of taking American jobs. This is why these communities kept themselves to themselves for safety due to persecution. So why would Royal have even wanted to marry this girl as it is clearly arranged? He was a blond middle class American who probably had very strong views against Italians and for arguments sake the Polish and Irish too as they were discriminated against too. Royal would never want to marry this girl.

Another big factor is that these communities had very rigid gender expectations. We will still stick with Sicilian as I am sure it is that and they fall into that gender category. The wives and daughters were not stupid and knew their husbands, brothers and fathers were involved in crime but never spoke about and didn’t acknowledge it in their home lives. They were never consulted and were taught to be wives and mothers but also to not question things. We see this progression with Michael Corleone and his wife when he at first he was honest with her but as he got more involved in the family then the more he shut her out of family business and she assumed her role as a typical mob wife. It would be very unlikely that she would arrange this, as they are taught that the family is everything and it would be very unlikely for her to betray her father by sleeping with a rival mob family member. I’m not saying it couldn’t but in the 1930s then it would be very unlikely as she would be at most first generation so would still have many Sicilian morals towards her father and family.

We are finished! So after all of that?

Train

Goodness me! I am shattered but that is the end of story time. I did promise you all that it is infuriating. Next time is Beau waking up as a vampire and I will probably explode in rage. Until next time!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 24 “Meyer Drops a Great Big Info Dump!” Part 1

I am just going to say this now. I hate this chapter the most as it is just hand holding and story-telling but also because it is infuriating, nasty and has some truly vile points to it. It is more interesting than previous chapters though which is a plus but it is stupidly long and moronic. However, this is a new beast as we have left ‘Twilight’ behind and Meyer really wants to cram four books worth of information in this chapter. It is so bad that I will be quoting the vast majority of this chapter because if I have to look at it then so do you! That means this will be a multi part post as this chapter is long and full of stupid. I will be putting all quotes in bold so they are easier to read. Let’s go!

We left off with Beau turning into a vampire and he opens up with this:

“I ended up changing my mind.”

No you didn’t. Shut up, Beau!

I will recap the next paragraph as it’s just Archie telling everyone to calm down as everyone wants to die once bitten. Beau whines that it hurts and it’s all dark now. It is really coming across as bored and monotone whining rather than excruciating pain.

WAHHHH!!! 73

Beau thrashes for a while and he is moved to the car. How he knows this is beyond me as he says it’s all dark and that he can’t feel anything apart from the fire. He whines for a while and I notice this:

“I couldn’t gues which”

I know I make mistakes but I’m dyslexic, have no editor and am not a published author. That is just sloppy!

We now hit the massive info dump from Hell.

““There is so much he doesn’t know.”

“You’re right, you’re right.” She sighed. “Where do I begin?”

“You could explain about being thirsty,” Archie suggested. “That was the hardest part, when I woke up. And we’ll be expecting a lot from him.”

When Edythe answered, it was like she was spitting the words the words through her teeth. “I won’t hold him to that. He didn’t choose. He’s free to become whatever he wants.””

EXCUSE ME! None of you chose to become vampires and Carine wants those who live with her to live the no people diet. Beau is not oh so special to be exempt from this. Also that means if he chooses to eat people because of his thirst when he is an uncontrollable new-born and doesn’t want to eat animals then does that mean you will throw him out to the wild? Edythe should be trying very hard to convince Beau to eat animals as the other option is MURDER! How is this so difficult to understand. Moving on!
Next section of fail is Edythe explaining vampire thirst:

“The first one is that when this passes, when you’re…new, you won’t be exactly the same as I am, not in the very beginning. Being a young vampire means certain things, and the hardest to ignore is the thirst. You’ll be thirsty – all the time. You won’t be able to think about much else for a while. Maybe a year, maybe two. It’s different for everyone.”

Bullet Points!

• That speech will not be funny at the end of this Godforsaken chapter.
• Yes, he should be like that as a new-born as unlike Bella he was thrown into this. He should be wild.
• Meyer forgot to show us vampire thirst in ‘Breaking Dawn’ and just told us it was the most painful thing ever, she said it is like third degree burns in your throat. Forget that Meyer is an idiot as third degree burns kill the nerves so wouldn’t feel anything. Anyway, all Bella ever said was ouch. I am still not convinced.

There is more but I am so saving it. Let’s get back to Edythe’s constant talking!

“If you decide – if you want to live like us, it will be hard. Especially in the beginning. It might be too hard, and I understand that. We all do. If you want to try it my way, I’ll go with you. I can tell you who the human monsters are. There are options.”

FUCK YOU!

That has completely destroyed the argument that they care about human life as that right there shows that they don’t give a shit. Edythe is willing to throw her morals and beliefs out the window if Beau wants to eat people. Oh, but they will just eat bad people. No, as an eye for an eye leaves the world blind. This is just blatant murder and she is willing to go back to that all for Beau. That’s disgusting as love should not make you abandon every moral and belief you hold dear. Edythe should make it clear that if he chooses to eat people then their relationship is over. I don’t care that he is turning into a vampire without as much choice as Bella as we know he thinks they are awesome and wants to be one so it’s not like he has lost multiple limbs. Even if he did find it difficult to come to terms with what has happened that still doesn’t mean he has every right to go out and murder people.

I hate these people. Back to Edythe!

“The hard things – the very worst thing. Oh, I’m so sorry Beau. You can’t see your mother and father again. It’s not safe. You would hurt them – you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. And there are rules. Rules that, as your creator, I’m bound by. We’d both be responsible if you ran out of control.”

Considering what is coming up I really don’t see why Beau can’t see his parents as Bella did. She didn’t care. Also I really can’t see Beau caring about never seeing them again as he is always insulting his father and describing his mother as mentally challenged and what a drag she is. This is probably a bonus for Beau!

I’m snipping the next bit as it is just Edythe whining that no one can know about vampires and how everything is all her fault. We don’t need more whining. The next section is huge though and I will quote the whole thing as it is about the Volturi. Remember back in chapter 16 that I said it was weird that the names were different but not gender flipped as they were already established. Well we hear about it now. Strap in as this section is huge!

“She told me about the people I’d seen in the paintings with Carine – the Volturi. How they’d joined forces in the Mycenaean age, and begun a millennia-long campaign to create peace and order in the vampire world.”

Meyer is such a moron. The Mycenaean age is a hell of a lot older than a 1000 years, try over 3000. Research is not hard and that hurts me as a Classics and Archaeology graduate.

“How there had been six of them in the beginning. How betrayal and murder had cut them in half. Someone named Aro had murdered his sister – his best friend’s wife. The best friend was Marcus – he was the man I had seen standing with Carine. Aro’s own wife – Sulpicia, the one with all the masses of dark hair in the painting – had been the only witness.”

So it looks like Aro is more of a moron in this version. I still find it stupid that he murdered his sister whose stupid power was creating an aura of happiness just to keep Marcus around who has the other stupidest gift of seeing relationships. Why would Aro be stupid enough to let his wife see this? What if she blabbed, which she does and he loses everything? I bet Marcus is still a depressed slug though as that is what male vampires do when they lose their mate, they prefer to off themselves.

“She’s turned him over to Marcus and their soldiers.”

Ermm… I have a question? What about Chelsea, the one who brainwashes you into loving devotion to Aro? Bella said that they were all fiercely devoted to Aro and that was obvious, which is why I never understand why Marcus was a head but not Chelsea as she is dangerous. Was Chelsea taking a nap when this happened and turned off her power? This makes no sense whatsoever but I honestly think that Meyer just forgot about Chelsea as she was only mentioned a handful of times in ‘Breaking Dawn’ Part III, which was written back in 2004 when it was ‘Forever Dawn’. Whatever it is, it is lazy writing and Meyer is a hack.

Also Aro would know if her love for him is faltering (which never happens to vampires) as all he has to do is touch her and he would know. He has shown he has no issue killing family so why not kill her too if he is so obsessed with power. He could also just have Chelsea brain wash her and Corin to deliver the smack to make her happy. Aro should have known that she would turn on him.

Back to this nonsense!

“There had been some question of what to do – Aro had a very powerful gift, like Edythe but more, she said – and the Volturi weren’t sure if they would be able to succeed without him.”

I can get the whole thing of wanting his gift in terms of police and government as it is useful as he knows everything about you if you touch his hand but it is hardly a great offensive gift like Alec who shuts off all senses. Also why would it be hard to know what do with him? What can he do except read the shit out of your mind if he fondles you. Ooo scary!

“But Sulpicia searched out a young girl – Mele, the one Edythe had called a servant and a thief – who had a gift of her own. She could absorb another vampire’s gift. She couldn’t use that stolen gift herself, but could give it to someone else who she was touching.”

Meyer clearly pulled that out of her arse like Bella’s soul radar. That was stupid because if Mele could use this gift then it would make her the most powerful vampire ever (suck it, Bella). Yet, that doesn’t work for Meyer’s little story here so makes it that she can’t use that power. Why? That is stupid as that makes her power completely pointless as why would she have that power if she can’t use it for herself and make other’s more powerful who in turn could kill her. Meyer said that otherwise it would be weird for Mele to not take over herself.

Well guess what, it still fails. Look at how Mele is described! She is described as a thief and a servant, she is nothing but Igor and clearly doesn’t hold any respect or status herself as she is merely a servant. Why would Mele accept being treated like that? Let’s say she was tricked by Sulpicia so gave her Aro’s gift and then was treated as a dog afterwards. Why wouldn’t Mele just steal them back? I am sure she has to think of what power to transfer to people otherwise it would have been more stupid as she would be transferring willy nilly so why doesn’t she just take all the Volturi’s power from them and run? She would render the Volturi pointless and useless but no because of the plot Mele sits there and is thought of as nothing but a thief and servant.

“Sulpicia had Mele take Aro’s gift, and then Marcus executed him.”

I have another question! In the guide it explicitly says that vampires mate for life and don’t get over losing their one and only love? Look at Irina! She wanted to commit genocide on the werewolves because they killed her murdering boyfriend and she was a no people eater. It was explicit in the guide that Aro and his wife loved each other but he kept her stoned for her own safety in a tower (it’s stupid). Surely, she wouldn’t throw him to the executioner as vampires go batshit when their mate dies.

It honestly scares me that I think I know Meyer’s cannon better than her. I need help.

“Once she had her husband’s gift, Sulpicia found out that the third man in their group was in on the plot.”

I know Caius is a moron in the books but this has to be breaking all stupid records. Why would you let her touch your hand as she would know your part in this.

MORON!

Let’s say he doesn’t know then why is he holding hands with Aro’s wife and he must have known about Mele as he must have wondered why that scrawny thing is hanging out with them. I really don’t buy this.

“He was executed, too, and his wife – Athendora- joined with Sulpicia and Marcus to lead their soldiers.”

The End.

confused-cat

That was my face when I finished reading that!

That is the end of that little story. This story should have been told in chapter 16 as this has no relevance being in the changing chapter. I think Beau should be hearing more about how to control his thirst rather than that. It just looks like it was slapped on.

This is Meyer’s little coup she discussed in the opening of this book. This is so clearly an attempt to show that she so can write strong and independent women in power as look at the Volturi! That clearly shows that her books aren’t sexist as look at what she did?!

*Points Down*

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 75

Yeah, that little random story shows how feminist you are. Look at that count, 75 incidences of blatant sexism! There is probably more that I missed. That story does not make this book any less sexist than it is.

I really don’t get why that is even there.

Edythe says that the Volturi made up all the vampire myths to confuse humans. That still fails as most of you are corpse white, red eyed and drink blood. That does scream vampire even if you don’t flinch at garlic. Still a fail hand-wave to explain sparkles.

I am going to cut this post here as I have rambled on enough and there is plenty more to go. Next time is the werewolves and the Cullen’s history being info dumped on us. Oh goody!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 21, 22 & 23 “Exciting Climax of Death! HAHA! Yeah, right! This is ‘Twilight’ Remember!”

This chapter is so dull with heaps of copy and pasted nonsense. I think I may have to combine chapter 21 and 22 as when I looked over chapter 21 there is hardly any red pen which means it is the same as the original. We shall see as I don’t see the point of writing a piece that is 500 words of me saying it is the same. That is dull! I honestly feel like Meyer is rushing now as she is close to the end and wants to get to her ‘climax’.

Beau wakes up and needs to tell us that vampires are so awesome as the TV volume is so low but they can hear. I still don’t care. Archie is drawing Beau’s living room, I honestly just summed up a huge chunk of interior design text. What annoyed me though that it was clearly written in third person. Meyer does this a lot and I just don’t get why she writes in first person as it is so constricting. Just write in third and be free!

I’m summing up again and it is just Edythe deciding to take Beau away together to protect him. Nothing has changed and I refuse to bore you all! Beau whines about how they are doomed, he clearly doesn’t understand maths as 2 vs 7 is good odds. Jessamine is sick of his whining and lights up another spliff which causes Beau to calm down and go to sleep. That power is creepy but I am grateful for it right now.

We get some more crap about flight times and how they are going to a hotel closer to Renee’s house. *Yawn* The phone rings and ZOMG! It’s Renee! Well, we know it’s not and its actually Joss.

I am literally summing up the phone call as it is exactly the same as ‘Twilight’ and let’s be honest most people reading this know what will happen. I will sum up with this: Joss says she has Beau’s mother and Beau has to go to his house and await further instructions. We know the final destination so no one cares. However!

drama-queen3.jpg

This no longer flies. How does Archie not hear this conversation as he is close to Beau? We know from ‘Breaking Dawn’ how amazing vampire hearing is as Bella loved to boast to us how she could hear a car radio three miles away when she just turned. Also the biggest damnation to this is when Bella was playing Mighty Whitey to Max the stereotypical 1970s jive turkey (I hate that scene so much) and could hear Jenks on the phone while Max was talking to him in his lingo which proved Meyer should never, ever write people of colour. Blatant racism aside, Bella could hear every word as she was getting off when they were talking about hot she was. I will so go into the racism when I tackle the illustrated guide as my God! She heard this all, so why didn’t Archie!?! He should have heard this entire conversation as vampire hearing is that great. Meyer in her attempt to wank over vampires completely ruined her plot. However, I think this was her entire goal of Part III of ‘Breaking Dawn’:

spiderman orgasm

Disgusting but true. Beau decides he has to save his mother, well then I must ask? Why on earth does Archie not see this? Oh, maybe he isn’t concentrating as that is effort. I don’t know but it makes as little sense as it did before as Alice and therefore Archie said their visions are decision based. Well, clearly not when the plot demands it.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 35

We end this chapter with Archie having a vision and collapses but Beau whines about his selfless death. This is why I am combining chapter 21 and chapter 22 as this is so short and such a waste of a post. Let’s crack on to chapter 22!

Beau has to tell us that he doesn’t care about his death as his voice sounds dead. I must say I am going to sum up the tone of this chapter now otherwise I will be repeating myself constantly. Here we go and please read this is in a dull and dry tone:

I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, Edythe is hot, I’m gonna die, must save Mum, I’m gonna die.

Yeah, that is this chapter. Archie asks if Renee is OK and Beau makes himself obvious by saying in a monotone voice that she is fine. Beau keeps telling us how his emotions and speech sound fake, well I am sure they are but you are surrounded by rock stupid vampires. Beau decides he needs alone time and goes to his room to write a wangsty note to Edythe and tells her that he has gone to his death and not to follow him. It’s really wangsty so I am slamming it with this as it screams: I AM SO SELFLESS BUT I WILL WHINE!!!

WAHHHH!!! 72

It’s been a long time since we have seen this count. I can’t say I have missed it. I am so summing up the next page as nothing new happens. They get in the car and Beau asks if Archie can give a note to his mother, they then get to the airport and Beau goes on about how he will never see the departure locations. Beau then goes on about how the pull between himself and Edythe is so strong that he can’t run. Beau decides he needs to pee and asks if Jessamine will escort him so he can make his daring escape!

We do get a major fail though as Archie doesn’t see Beau escaping as he is focusing on Joss.

confused-cat

Huh? Surely with his amazing vampire brain then he can focus on a few things which he did in chapter 20 when he focused on Carine, Edythe, Earnest and Charlie. This is just another instance of the plot says so, once again. Also Beau made the decision to run so Archie should see this. This is once again, STUPID!

I’m summing up the next page as it’s Beau darting into the men’s room which has two exits and he runs away while thinking of them. He then jumps on a shuttle to a hotel. He then tries not to cry which is fair but at the same time how would Joss know if he told the other vampires what he is doing. She doesn’t have telepathy; ergh we know this is just make Beau look selfless.

Beau decides to imagine his meeting with Edythe where they run at each other and collapse on each other while they hump in front of everyone. I am not exaggerating!! It is just written in PG style. Beau jumps in a taxi and they head to his house.

I am summing up again as it is exactly the same as before. Joss calls and says that Beau needs to come to the Ballet Studio.

Screaming

ZOMG!! IT’S THE SAME BALLET STUDIO THAT BEAU KNOWS!!

I still don’t really understand how Joss knew about that place but whatever. Beau decides he needs air but even though his mother is in mortal danger, he feels the need to say how much she sucks and can’t grow flowers. Wow, that was necessary. Anyway, Beau goes to the ballet studio and gives us a run down about what it looks like.

Beau runs to Renee’s voice and realises that is her voice from a family video of Beau being stupidly clumsy. How convenient. Still, can’t slam it as Meyer thinks this is awesome. Anyway, we are meant to be so shocked that Joss doesn’t have Renee. Ermm… yay?

They talk about random crap but Beau notes how her eyes are black which means thirsty. Ermm… I have a question! How is she thirsty after two days when it really has been that long and she was described as having deep red eyes and also stated that they had recently fed. Especially when Edythe goes through two weeks of going from golden to black eyes. This makes no sense!! Joss should not be thirsty!

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 36

Beau politely pauses his death scene to tell us that Joss is average looking for a vampire and that is so totally gross. Again, *insert monotone voice* I can really sense the tension here. Joss asks if he will ask the others to avenge him and Beau has to be selfless and tell us that he hopes not.

The Joss says she finds this disappointing about how easy and quick this hunt was. Ok, yes it is but…. WHY DID YOU MAKE IT THIS WAY!?!?! Joss sat on her arse and made it easy so it’s hardly a hunt. This is so stupid and hasn’t changed.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 37

Joss then wanks about how awesome they were because they went to the place that they said. No, it was stupid! She sounds like a terrible Bond villain who has to explain their deeds Anyway, Meyer hangs a great big lampshade on this utter nonsense by saying:

“I could tell she was coming to the end of her monologuing, which I didn’t get the point of anyway.”

THEN WHY IS IT THERE?!?!

This is just classic James Bond villain monologuing and it is not exciting but whammy. She has to waste time by explaining how amazing Beau was to go to Arizona (it’s not amazing) and how Joss was so awesome to guess it. We, the audience guessed it too. Then I am confused as Joss says he wasn’t sure where Beau called from but I find that odd as I did ask my mother who lived in America and she said that area codes come up from where you are calling so this would have been very simple for Joss to guess where Beau was.

Joss whips out her video camera and then I get confused. Observe:

“Obviously, you’re not important enough for her to decide to keep you. So … I’ll have to make this really offensive, won’t I?”

If Joss thinks that Edythe doesn’t really care about Beau, then why would she care about his brutal death? She is a murdering vampire after all, so maybe she would watch this video for tips? Oh, I don’t even know anymore.

So we are now at the moment where Beau knows he will die a horrifying death and Joss knows she has limited time to act. We are about to reach our terrifying fight scene so what should happen next?

Story time, of course!

Meyer decides we need more talking for the climax. I wish she would stop holding my hand as it’s annoying me. What is worse is that Joss even says that she is going to tell us a little story. I am summing it up as we know. Joss wanted Archie when he was human as he was yummy. A vampire bit Archie while at the asylum as Archie is special for having visions. Beau is all shocked as he figured it out that it is Archie she is talking about. I swear to God; pineapples are more quick witted than Beau. I still don’t get why this is here. Scratch that! I do know, Meyer for the life of her can’t have her character’s using their brains to figure things out. They are just told things at random times and go from there, we had this with Jules telling Beau that the Cullens are vampires and Carlisle just telling Bella about immortal children in the most random place. It’s never in a relevant place and just looks like story time which is very lazy writing.

Then Joss does some more talking. GET ON WITH IT!?! I swear this is worse than the original. Joss hears my cries of frustration and attacks Beau. I am quoting the next bit:

“I didn’t see what part of her hit me – it was too fast. She just blurred, there was a loud snap, and my right hand was suddenly hanging like it wasn’t connected to my elbow anymore.”

Beau sounds mildly bored that a vampire has just broken his arm. There is no emotion here and just sounds like a laundry list. He is being attacked and thinks he will die and all he does is describe it as if he is reading the ingredients of toilet cleaner.

“She waited for the pain to hit me, watched as I gasped and curled in around my broken arm.”

Wow, so much emotion. Also you don’t just gasp with a broken arm, I don’t care if he is pumping adrenaline, you don’t just gasp like it’s nothing. I’ve said before about my ankle but last year it was my round so I walked to the bar and my ankle gave way and I dropped like a sack of shit and smacked into stone. The pain was horrendous! I screamed and cried as I felt like someone had ripped my foot off and that wasn’t even broken. I got to the garden with an ice pack, I almost fainted from the pain and felt like I was going vomit. I couldn’t walk for a week after that. I did not just gasp as my God! This has nothing to do with strength and pain thresh-hold as I have a stupidly high one. So this just comes across as stupid and unbelievable.

Joss throws him against the wall of mirrors and feels the need to tell us how awesome her movie is. She breaks his finger but once again he sounds bored. Beau informs us that he has thrown up from the pain, uh-huh maybe show not tell. There is more action in this as Bella fainted pretty quickly but Meyer just can’t write emotion and pain. Joss wants Beau to ask Edythe to avenge him which he refuses. However, Joss says this and I cracked up laughing:

“It doesn’t want to scream,” she said in a funny little singsong voice. “Should we make it scream?”

Should we, precious?

gollum11_lrg

You cannot tell me that you can read that and not think of Gollum! I also thought of this too:

buffalo bill.jpg

Buffalo Bill has a precious too!

Both examples of far better villains. I know she was going for Joss de-humanising Beau by calling him ‘it’ but I just found it really funny.

Joss then nibbles Beau and he describes it as very painful and hot. Again, wow, tense. For some bizarre reason Joss now goes apeshit and wants to eat Beau. How did the blood not bother her before, especially when Archie said they are like sharks when they smell blood. This is just to ram it down our throats about how yummy Beau is. Thanks for reminding us, as we may have forgotten after the other thousand times you told us this.

Joss throws Beau into the mirrors again and Beau dryly tells us that it hurts and he thinks his bones have re-broken. We end the chapter with Beau screaming.

Do you know, the next chapter is only four pages and again there is hardly anything new except the end. Let’s crack on!

Joss decides to eat Beau but something yanked him back. WHAT COULD IT BE!?!

Grumpy Cat

Joss is then torn apart and it is described as metal screeching. I will still never understand that as they are rock and they don’t screech. Farewell Joss! You were a terrible and hammy villain so we don’t miss you.

Edythe is sobbing on Beau and screaming for Carine to help him. I thought you had two medical degrees, Edythe? Can’t you do something? Well, apparently yes, she is blowing air into Beau’s lungs. Is this even necessary? He doesn’t seem to be having trouble breathing as he isn’t describing anything but feeling like he is on fire.

Beau does feel the need to inform us how beautiful Edythe is while in his death throes. Now is not the time! They discover that Beau has been bitten and they do that stupid venom sucking thing from the original. However, now that Alice is a man he now realises he can bitch slap women and promptly does that to Edythe.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 75

Archie informs them that they are too late and he can only see two futures which is Beau as a vampire or dead. He says they are too late. I must ask why they are as Joss never stopped talking so surely there was just the same amount of time to save Beau as there was for Bella.

Archie asks if Carine can help speed up his death or make him comfortable as this is agonising for him but Carine says no as she took an oath. Fuck off Carine!

• Palliative care is to help the patient along to death in the most painless way as possible. All doctors will prescribe drugs to those in extreme pain such as diamorphine for pain as well as midazalam to help calm the anxiety and distress. You cannot tell me Carine wouldn’t have that as she is always carrying around morphine. Doctors don’t just inject people and kill people but they also wouldn’t let a patient die in excruciating circumstances when there are drugs that could help them die painlessly.

• Carine is a hypocrite as she will do no harm but created Edythe, Earnest, Eleanor and Royal who have all killed people! She has thousands of deaths on her hands due to her spawn.

They ask Beau what he wants to do. Does he want death or vampirism and he says he just wants Edythe so she bites him. The problem is though, is that she never actually says to him if he would prefer death or vampirism. She spouts loads of nonsense about how she would die if he could have his life back. He needs an explicit question as right now he is out of his mind with pain so he doesn’t understand and naturally wants to be with Edythe without understanding the implications. I don’t think this could be a well informed decision but this is what Carine did to everyone else so I am not surprised. Carine never bothered to ask or tell Earnest, Royal, Edythe and Eleanor what was happening them too. So now Beau will become a vampire all from a vague answer to a vague question. I know we are meant to think this is so dramatic but it’s not as I can guarantee that Beau will be chuffed he is a vampire just like Bella so there will be no downsides or consequences because this is happy land!

God, that was bad! It was hammy and rushed. There was action this time even if it was described in a dull and flat tone and at least we have a new twist to make it a little bit different from the original. Also it means we will never get Demonspawn as I am sure Meyer would have found a way to hand wave it if they did. We are now entering entirely new territory as we are no longer following ‘Twilight’. This is an entire new beast.

We only have two chapters to go but they will be very long posts and split into multiple parts as there is just too much to discuss. Way too much for a one off chapter recap. We have now hit the chapter of so many words. It will be long, painful and face palm worthy so I advise you all to get some drinks and food to get you through. I will need copious amount of wine.

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 20 “The Birds and the Bees, Vampire Style!”

Last time our ‘heroes’ decided to split up even though that was stupid just because the plot demanded it. We are now at our climax of the novel and what excitement will befall us while a dangerous man eating vampire is desperate for Beau? Well, if you find sitting in a hotel room while they all stare at each other as exciting then this is the book for you! Let’s read the excitement that is sure to unfold.

Beau opens the chapter by being a moron as he has just woken up and has to actively remind himself as to why he is running. I really regret not having a moron count on this as these people are idiots. Beau mentions that Archie sat in the back with him but in this version I have no idea why as Alice sat in the back to have a cuddle session with Bella while she cries but no man cuddling for Beau and Archie as that would make them gay or something. I am going to slam this with a sexist point purely because when Bella is in danger she is a wreck and needs lady cuddles to calm her delicate self, whereas Beau who is a man with testicles needs none of that as he has man strength and doesn’t cry because as if men cry. Pfft! It’s like thinking men have emotions or something.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 72

Instead of crying, Beau treats Archie like his own personal fortune teller and has him give him a stream of information about where the Cullens are and what they doing. Then we have Archie talking shit and says Charlie is hard to focus on because he is human and he focuses best on vampires.

EXCUSE ME!!!!

So how on earth was Alice so sure that Bella would become a vampire or dead in ‘Midnight Sun’? She barely knew her at that time and was focusing on Bella the Human’s future. She foresaw that Bella would love her presents in ‘New Moon’ and foresaw what Bella was planning on buying her for ‘Eclipse’. How on earth could she have seen this if she has trouble seeing humans? This makes no sense whatsoever but to explain that arse pull in ‘Breaking Dawn’ when Alice says she can see humans OK but not as good as vampires.

NO!! YOU CAN SEE THEM JUST FINE!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!

Alice/Archie’s vision consistency has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. I don’t even know why this was even added. My brain hurts from the stupid so I am moving on. Well, apparently Meyer feels like I haven’t had enough stupid so slaps me with the same crap about how it took them one day to drive to Arizona when it should be three. I don’t care that vampires drive really fast because what about traffic or police officers? They do exist and vampires can’t stop them. I can’t give it a point though as it is just Meyer wanking again over how great her vampires are.

Beau then passes out and he wakes up in a hotel room. Did the hotel staff not query the two people carrying in an unconscious man? How did Beau not wake up for this? God, this is stupid.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 34

Archie barges his way in and gives us the run down and apparently the Cullens are just running around in circles, wow tense. Archie tells Beau to eat otherwise Edythe will have a bitch fit if her instructions aren’t being followed as she is a brat. They discuss Lauren and I have to admit I have to keep reminding myself that it is Lady Laurent as there was that blonde character in the original who Meyer loved to punish and it keeps confusing me. Meyer should not have used a previous character’s name for this gender swap as it is jerking.

Beau then whines about how if any of the Cullens are hurt then he will never forgive himself. What is interesting though is that Beau does not mention Royal in his little list. That is pretty damn horrible as Royal is trying to help Beau but because he looks at Beau funny and isn’t licking his shoes means that Beau doesn’t give a crap if Royal is hurt. That is awful and ruins Beau’s selfless speech.

Archie tells him to be quiet as none of them are worried which naturally kills the tension and they are scared of losing their little buttercup as he is needed to be Edythe’s dildo. Don’t believe me:

“It’s almost a centaury that Edythe’s been alone. Now she’s found you.”

I am certain that if Joss decided to hunt and kill Jeremy then they would just sit back and let Joss get on with it as Jeremy isn’t Edythe’s chosen dildo. Archie then spills this sickening speech about how due to his powers that he and Beau are already BFFs and how they spend hours being arseholes to Royal and talking to Carine. How adorable! Must ask one thing though?

HOW THE FUCK DOES HE SEE THIS IF HE CAN’T SEE HUMANS WELL?!?!?!

explosion

This is worse as she said in the beginning of this damn book that she used this gender swap to make Alice’s visions more consistent. Well that failed didn’t it.

Also, why does Archie hate Royal so much? What has Royal done to him? I have no idea why Royal puts up with this as I would just leave and start my own life away from these horrible people. Ergh, anyway, Beau asks if they are friends and Archie waxes poetically about how they are the Bestest Friends for Everest and how he can’t wait for Beau to hurry up and feel the same. This is so clearly another attempt at avoiding relationship building as Archie foresaw their friendship so BAM! They are now.

They then spend the day staring at each other, wow this is like so totally tense and scary for a climax of a novel. Well, Beau is at least asking questions but we hardly see them but I burst out laughing when Beau asks if his constant questions are like living with Edythe:

‘She tries not to be obnoxious about it.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That is hilarious! She is the most obnoxious donkey I have ever had the misfortune to read about. Archie goes on about how he woke up and remembered nothing about being human but I still don’t care. Archie laughs and says due to his short hair that he may have been a criminal mastermind. I doubt it as you people are huge morons.

Archie then wanks over how amazing his “darling” * vomits* is at fighting but I really don’t get why this was included. We then get some utter nonsense of Archie saying that he can see Beau well in his visions as he is sitting there and he is concentrating.

WHAT!?!?!

NO! Alice had all those above visions and Bella wasn’t there so that is stupid. Beau wasn’t there when Archie had a vision of all that nonsense about their BFF antics but he saw those pretty well. Oh, well maybe he was just concentrating more but that just makes it sound like Archie couldn’t really be bothered to focus on Charlie as that is effort even though that could help save Charlie’s life but he can spend plenty of times dreaming of him and Beau in onesies watching ‘Frozen’ together. Priorities people!

Beau then decides he hasn’t been selfless for a few pages and whines that he would spend forever in the hotel room if it meant Edythe was safe. This is just stupid as she is a telepath so has a huge advantage, she is a super charged vampire and massive amounts of back up! Edythe is hardly going to challenge Joss to duel while everyone watches them kill each other. Also, it is just coming off as sexist now as it sounds like Beau saying that as if his delicate little snowflake could do man things like fighting.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 73

Beau then decides to beg Archie for the information about how people become vampires. For some reason Edythe doesn’t want Beau to know and will throw an almighty tantrum if he is told. Why are they all scared of this little twit? Archie decides to tell him anyway but first has to have a wank over how amazing vampires are by listing all their powers but once again mentions nature. I have screamed about this enough but it still annoys me to no end.

He then goes on about their venom about how it is used to subdue their prey. I still think this sounds stupid from a nature point of view as nature doesn’t create super charged predators and they don’t need venom. It could have been interesting if venom was for purely reproductive purposes as it does create new vampires. Especially as biting in vampire lore is seen as a sexual metaphor, so the biting is sexual intercourse and that creates new vampire life via the venom coursing through the blood stream. If it was established as that then I could by it as nature dictates that flora and fauna need to reproduce in some way. We know it is not that as that would make Carine and Edythe creepy but also Meyer is a child and won’t even discuss sex in her novels and uses stupid metaphors. This is from the ‘Breaking Dawn’ FAQ where she discusses Demonspawn’s conception:

“I didn’t get into all of these details at my signings because it’s a long, complicated mouthful. Also, it’s hard to be clearly heard with all the screaming. Mostly, though, I waited to do this in writing because I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words “seminal fluids” in public.”

God lord, woman! Grow up! You have three children so you know how sex works.

Archie explains that if the venom is left to spread while the victim is still alive then they will become a vampire and it like hurts and stuff. I still don’t buy it as Bella was able to lay there like a dead slug and refuses to scream as that would make Edward sad. Doesn’t sound as bad as they are making out to me because if it was then Bella would scream even if she didn’t want too. Nope, she just laid there and thought of England.

Archie explains that it is difficult turning people because vampires, which don’t forget are better than us pond scum, turn into rabid animals when feeding so turning someone is hard. Yeah, just use a syringe like Edward!

For some strange reason we get this line which involves wanking over Archie and shitting on Royal:

“It was hard for me to believe that Archie could have been a criminal, though; there was something intrinsically good about his face. Royal was the showy one, the one the girls at school stared at, but there was something better than perfection about Archie’s face. It was totally pure.”

I vomited again.

What was that!?! Why did he have to bash Royal again, considering he is saving his useless arse. Also, no Archie is a criminal. He committed countless murders for over thirty years and frequently commits fraud via predicting the stock markets. He is a thief and a murderer so no I do not buy this crap. Also it was just so sickly sweet that I feel ill.

Archie says that it is OK for him not to remember as there is nothing to miss which does seem fair to me but says Royal struggled as he misses his sisters. Beau scoffs that Archie is trying to make him change his mind about Royal. I really don’t get Beau as Royal has done nothing to him, he is allowed to dislike people just like Beau does. Beau comes across as so bitchy and entitled that it is disgusting.

Beau asks what it would mean for his Mum and Dad if he became a vampire. They would think you are dead?! You can’t see them again. Why is this so hard to understand?!

Next up is Archie jumping up and drawing the ballet studio, that took Meyer one page. We then get utter idiocy with Edythe telling Beau that Joss stole a plane.

confused-cat

Huh? How does this savage nomad who walks around with bare feet and twigs in her hair know how to fly a plane? Oh right, she is a vampire and is perfect at everything. My bad!

Beau panics about Charlie and Edythe says it’s fine as Royal and Earnest are watching him and once again Beau has to shit on Royal by saying his presence doesn’t comfort him. This is so much worse than Rosalie! Meyer used her to punish the beautiful girls in High School, is she now punishing the handsome men who never looked at her or rejected her in High School and is now punishing them as she is STEPHENIE MEYER! I must admit I am really getting that vibe.

Edythe and Beau then go on about how they love each other which is more love retcon, she is really cramming it into this book. Anyway, Beau tells them that the room is a ballet studio and says it’s the one his mother taught at. He has to tell us that she didn’t last long as she is useless, how lovely! What did strike me though was that it was changed to him being dragged there to watch rather than taking lessons like Bella. Why? Boys take ballet and look at the famous interpretation of ‘Swan Lake’ by Michael Bourne where the whole cast was men. This is just another sexist point as men don’t take ballet, they like mud and sports.

MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 74

They then go on about how it can’t be the same ballet studio and they have no idea how this could be involved. Morons. Meyer dates her work again by having Renee and her husband not owning mobile phones even though they are on the road which is stupid but the plot says so otherwise we wouldn’t get the nonsense to come.

We end with Beau asking his Mum to call him and noting that Archie and Jessamine are just staring at the walls for hours. Wow, this ends on such a tense and exciting cliff hanger. Screw you, ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ which left us with the cliff hanger of Sirius’ death. We have wall staring here!

Next time, we see Joss calling Beau and the stupidity will be discussed as ‘Breaking Dawn’ truly destroyed this plot line. So close to the end!

‘Need You Dead’ by Peter James: The Cash Cow Needs to Be Put Down!

I’ve paused ‘Life and Death’ briefly for this review as I just recently read this book, I will get back to the recap/review after this.

Peter-James-Book

I started reading the Roy Grace novels back in 2015 when I worked alone in a shop with very few customers so to pass the time I managed to get through the first ten of these books in a short space of time. I loved them! Yes, there were a couple that were a bit of a stinker but these books had such a variety when it came to murder mysteries from organ harvesting, snuff movies and a black widow. I also loved how the books were set in Brighton which is where I used to live at the time. There was something quite exciting reading your protagonist having a pint in your local pub or a headless torso found in the field behind your house. However, I started getting a bit disillusioned with the books every time the new one was released. However, I was hoping that the next one would go back to the glory days which it did with ‘Love You Dead’ but then I read ‘Need You Dead’ and my hopes went down the toilet. It was a mess and I want to discuss why this book was appalling and why I believe it is time the series was put to rest.

There will be spoilers so I would stop reading if you want to remain in the dark.

Characterisation

What is great about this series is that it isn’t just a murder mystery series where the characters are just 2D cut-outs while the murder is being solved. You have a wide array of characters but most of the focus is on Roy Grace who is the lead inspector for major crimes. We start the series with Grace as a workaholic policeman who still pines over his wife Sandy who disappeared without a trace ten years before the novels start. He starts to move on with his life and meets and marries a mortuary assistant called Cleo in which they eventually have a son together. However, through the course of the series the reader discovers that Sandy is still alive and lives in Germany with their son that Grace never knew about. Tragedy strikes when Sandy is hit by a taxi in Germany and then commits suicide but leaves Grace a note entrusting him with their son.

So when we pick up ‘Need You Dead’ you expect a lot of character development as Grace has a ten-year-old son and is described as a bit odd. However, we don’t get that as Grace flies to Germany, picks up Bruno and dumps him on his wife for the weekend as he can’t be bothered and would rather be at work. That comes across as beyond ridiculous as he was simpering the whole time about how he hopes his son will love him but instead just says “Whelp! Too much effort!” We barely have any insight into Bruno, considering he is meant to be bizarre, which I am calling it to be Aspergers and I will flip a table if it is as I am sick of aspies being labelled as weird and sinister. Anyway, I digress as we see nothing except Bruno playing games and holding the baby. I honestly feel that James would rather dazzle us with police procedure rather than character building.

This becomes painfully obvious with the rest of the support cast where they are either warped out of character or reset back to cardboard cut-outs. Grace’s wife Cleo starts the series off as a bright, witty and interesting character when they start dating, she loves her job in the mortuary and we would see her frequently in her place of work so we got to see her work dynamic and relationships with others. Not anymore, now she is there to strictly be Grace’s wife. All her characterisation is gone and all she does now is say ‘darling’ constantly and pamper Grace. She comes across as the perfect Stepford Wife rather than the independent woman she once was. She has no personality and all her conversations are about children, coddling her husband or joining a spa. We don’t even see her at work anymore even though we know she still works in the mortuary as it is explicitly stated that her back is a bit sore after carrying a 38 stone corpse. Yet, we never see her there anymore. She is just a 2D cut out to pamper our protagonist and that is lazy writing.

Cleo isn’t the only one though. Grace’s best friend Glen Branson has been reset to the first novel characterisation. At first he was there for comic relief with his interaction with Grace as he was the fun one and served to loosen up Grace so he could move on with his life. However, we see an arc with Branson. His wife leaves him and shacks up with another man fairly quickly leaving him devastated as she is restricting his time with his children. Then he is struck another blow when his ex-wife dies in surgery and suddenly has custody of his children and learning to juggle lone fatherhood with a demanding job. We see him recovering from his loss and finding love again with a journalist. He goes through a genuine character arc but that is all reset in ‘Need You Dead’. Branson goes back to being the 2D cut-out comedy relief but it isn’t funny anymore as he just repeats the same jokes constantly. We have heard these jokes for thirteen books now and they are just dried out and dead as this series.

Another character that had a genuine character arc was Norman Potting, a fifty-five-year old officer who is extremely impolitically correct. He tells bad jokes and is just a bit gross but he proves himself to be a shrewd and competent policeman and falls in love with Bella Moy who he clashed with in the early books. They are very happy together and Potting mellows which shows character growth. We see his grief when Bella dies in a fire and how he copes with that. Then we hit ‘Need You Dead’, it’s only been a few months since Bella’s death but Potting has been reset to his gross and pervy self when he starts eyeing up a young officer. This is just lazy!

Then we have our designated series villain ACC Cassian Pewe, who should be twirling a moustache while strapping some maiden to a train track. He is just a 2D villain and is nothing more than a thorn in Grace’s side but he just comes across as tacky and stupid. We have the backstory that he had an affair with Grace’s wife Sandy, which Grace does not know. I can see where this is going, I am convinced Pewe will be Bruno’s father because as if Grace would have an odd son, his sperm is perfect.

This leads us back to the characterisation of Grace and what makes their relationship worse is the cliff hanger where a dangerous hitman who magically goes from nearly brain dead to escaping a hospital ward in two days is treated by Grace as hilarious because HAHA! Pewe will look silly as he had to remove the 24-hour guard due to police cuts. This just makes Grace look childish and therefore doesn’t give Pewe any gravity as a villain as Grace isn’t worried or angry with him but is relishing in his humiliation. It also makes Grace look appalling as a very dangerous man is now free but all he cares about is his rival being humiliated, that comes across as callous and an idiot. This does seem to be a new element of Grace and it is not a pleasant one, as when he finds out his friend was the sort of killer (still very mixed though as James couldn’t be bothered to explain it to us) then he acts caring to stop him killing himself and promises to help him but when his friend fails Grace goes back on every promise he made and treats him like a cold blooded murderer which he is not as it was clearly an accident and he panicked. Grace just comes across as a petty man who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

So all in all, the characterisation is appalling. Peter James clearly couldn’t be bothered with it and most of the characters could be puppets for all we know. I might have been forgiving if the plot was excellent but well, it really isn’t.

Plot

As I said earlier, I loved these books because the plots were exciting and different such as an organ harvesting ring. Sometimes the plots were obvious as Peter James has a tendency to make a fuss about a certain plot point which makes his twist obvious. The most damning one to me was in ‘Not Dead Enough’ where a man is arrested for murder as his DNA was found in each murder scene but was adamant he was not there but the minute James made a fuss that the suspect was adopted then it was obvious that he had a twin and they were separated at birth so when that twist happened I was not shocked. Yet, in ‘Need You Dead’ I feel that James took this to ridiculous extremes. I will explain via discussing the plot.

We start off with Lorna Belling who is in an abusive relationship with her husband Corin but she is having an affair with a man named Greg. She is furious to realise that Greg lied about his name and his relationship with his wife. She plans to confront him but things are escalating badly with her husband who violently attacks her and the police are called. She arranges to meet Greg at their secret rented flat and confronts him while she is in the bath. Greg is desperate to explain and she attacks him so Greg pushes her back and she knocks her head on the tiles. Greg leaves scared and returns an hour later to find her dead in the bath with a hairdryer in there which was attached to a dodgy wall socket so she has clearly been electrocuted. He cleans up and leaves in a panic. We learn via his point of view that he devastated and this leaves him to become desperate to save himself. What he does throughout the novel is hardly commendable as he tries to frame others but his POV shows him losing his sanity. We then jump into the Who Dunnit but it becomes more and more silly.

The police confront her husband but he runs away and dies in a car accident. The whole time it feels like I have James dancing naked in front of me waving signs telling me it’s him. Well, it can’t be as we only are only a quarter of the way through. This happens with several men, one is a detective on the case who looks dishevelled and stressed. Once, again James is naked and doing the dance of seven veils for me but with so much more of the book to go through it is just annoying as it is clearly his attempt at a red herring. He could have done this subtly but he didn’t, James makes so much of a fuss about his supposed ‘red herrings’ that they come across as lazy and stupid. As I am not stupid, it became obvious who the actual murderer was and no I was not surprised.

The plot was dull and slow with just a constant drum beat of ‘COULD IT BE HIM?! IT’S HIM!!!” followed by “WHELP! I guess not!” with a rinse and repeat. The plot just seems to be a constant police interview which is hardly exciting.

We then dive straight into the climax which is so rushed that it just feels like James’ wants this book done and dusted. We are hit with the news of who did it but considering it is an established character then it should have been given more plot time but it doesn’t. We have a stupid and rushed chase and once the culprit has been caught we rush through and skip his interview to find out why this happened. We also never find out how the hairdryer ended up in the bath tub which is terrible as that plagued the culprit as he was never sure if he actually killed Lorna or if it was an accident. We should know how that hair dryer got in the bath as it was an important plot point. It’s infuriating as we spent so long with James farting around with failed herrings and spending forever on explaining police procedures.

The latter has become a serious problem with the plot and story-telling. In the first few novels you don’t mind James explaining how murder inquiries, interviews and 999 dispatches work but now we are thirteen novels in which means we don’t need this as we know! The reader is not an idiot. What is worse is that he is taking longer to explain facts and information that we already know. It’s tedious and nothing but padding for the sake of laziness. I would rather have characterisation and plot rather than a copy and pasted police manual. I wonder if James does think his readers are morons as there is so much hand-holding going on, I think he must feel like he has to explicitly explain plot points and procedures because otherwise we would not understand his masterpieces. I find that insulting when authors do this as I do have a functioning brain.

‘Need You Dead’ pads where it is not needed but rushes so much in the end, he desperately tries to set up a cliff hanger but because he is incapable of not showing off about how much he has researched then he spoils it. Why am I going to be scared about a False Widow spider crawling on Grace’s baby when he goes to great lengths to explain to us that their bites are not fatal. He wants to show us his learnings but ruins his plot and flow of the novel and he is getting worse with every book.

Timelines and Continuity

The last section to discuss is timelines and continuity. There is no nice way of saying this but these are appalling. The series starts in 2005 and the books are dated as being set then but as they progress we get references to the changes and events in Brighton and the surrounding areas such as the 2012 London Olympics, the Ferris Wheel which came in 2011, the Shoreham Air Show Disaster in 2015 and then the building and opening of the i360 in 2016/2017. That would mean that if James followed this then his books should have spanned twelve years.

Yet, they haven’t, there are references to the hitman’s first appearance in ‘Need You Dead’ and was described as last year but that is impossible as the book was dated as 2011 so should have been six years ago. To keep his books relevant to current events in Brighton he completely destroys his timelines. It beyond enraged me that in ‘Love You Dead’ he describes how the i360 has just started being built but the events of that book between ‘Need You Dead’ are very close together, as ‘Love You Dead’ finishes at the end of February and the beginning of March but the events of the new book take place at the end of April beginning of May so it’s amazing how it went from being built to being open for a few weeks as a friend of Grace took his children on it which he said was a few weeks ago. He made sure the i360 was open so he could have his daring climax on that structure but that has made his timeline worse than it was as before it was vague references for colour but not now.

I may sound pedantic but I don’t think I am as I think it just comes across as sloppy and lazy. He should either refuse to date his work in the books so he can have all these changes to the setting and I don’t think I would mind that if we had no explicit dates but I get annoyed when it is explicitly dated but the events only span three years. That is lazy! You can’t have it both ways and I get infuriated that he lovingly describes police procedure every book but can’t keep his time line straight. It just shows that he doesn’t care about the world he has created.

Conclusion

These books are so obviously a cash cow now that James knows he can churn out sub-standard material that will sell well so he can roll in some more money. It is become more than clear that he knows he doesn’t need to put in the effort as he has rabid fans who will buy whatever tripe he throws at them and they don’t see how bad the characterisation and plot is. However, there is a growing section of the fan base who are becoming deeply unsatisfied with his work and many online reviews have said that they won’t buy anymore of the books and are sad about it as it was a series they loved. The cash cow has become a rotting horse corpse from being flogged too much and it is time the series wrapped up in the next instalment. It is hard seeing a series you loved and characters you enjoyed being reduced to 2D cardboard cut outs with sloppy and lazy plots that are injected with useless information and James dancing around naked spoiling the twists.

I know that won’t happen though, the money is too good and James has an easy way of bathing in money by churning out rubbish as those rabid fans will continue to lap it up and never criticise him. It’s a shame really and I doubt he will learn when to stop. Will I read the next one? I really don’t know as I still want to hope that the series will return to its glory days but I think if I do then I will buy it second hand just like all the other awful novels I review here.

Next time I will be back to ‘Life and Death’ as I am so close to the finish line and I’ll be free of Beau and Edythe!

‘Life and Death’ by Stephenie Meyer: Chapter 19 “How to Destroy a Novel’s Climax in a Few Easy Steps!”

Last time we saw the vampires who so were not supposed to be in Forks, come to Forks and they decided that Beau was a delicious pulled pork sandwich and that they have to eat him. Edythe had a tantrum but decided to allow Beau to make up an excuse to Charlie as to why he was running. We start this chapter with Edythe pulling up to Charlie’s house. Shall we continue? Of course!

Edythe hisses bitchily at Beau telling him to get a goddamn move on as Joss isn’t here so he should hurry the fuck up! Beau for some reason gets all upset about saying goodbye to Eleanor which is bizarre as he doesn’t know her. I guess because she is a Cullen so therefore deserves his emotions. However, Edythe snaps at Beau that he has only fifteen minutes to say goodbye to Charlie. She is horrible! He is scared and trying to protect his father but she treats him like this? Logic is for losers as Beau has to kiss her and say how much he loves her. I feel like Meyer is trying to cram in the ‘I love you’ as Bella and Edward barely said it to each other.

I’m summing up the next page as it’s just Beau screaming at Charlie about how he wants to go home. Same old copy and pasted nonsense. Charlie grabs him and asks if he is on drugs which seems random but maybe logical as this is the most emotion and life Charlie has probably seen in Beau so probably thinks he is on a bad coke trip.

Charlie begs Beau to tell him what happened and Beau decides to have a bratty tantrum by saying that Edythe wants marriage and babies in Forks but he doesn’t want to turn out like his dead beat Dad and stay in the same area. He also felt the need to tell his Dad how hot and beautiful Edythe is, just in case we had forgotten.

Charlie tries to beg Beau to stay, why beg? Use your parental authority and ground his arse so he doesn’t try and drive across the country at night because of a childish tantrum. Charlie doesn’t know about the vampire situation so all he is seeing is his son screaming and foot stomping, yes he tried to reason with him but that isn’t working so use your authority and stop him leaving!

Cartman.jpg

Like that!

Beau decides that he has to really hurt his Dad and say the same words that his mother said to Charlie when she left. I am going to quote this even though it hasn’t changed as it is still stupid:

“It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”

Oh, burn! No, that doesn’t work and it just sounds childish and stupid. How could Meyer think this was so cutting and hurtful? It sounds like a child saying they hate their friend because they stole their sweets. This really should have been changed and it doesn’t need to include swearing either but change it to something more mature as the impact is just not there.

YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 33

Well apparently Charlie needs to get some ice for his major burn because he just let’s go and watches Beau leave. Wow, great parenting there, Charlie! Your son says something vaguely cruel and you just let him run off into the night.

Anyway, Edythe demands that she drives and informs us that Joss caught the end of the conversation while Eleanor jumps on the truck. I summed up a page in one sentence. These books are pure padding which is why I don’t feel guilty for using some of these pages for fire fodder.

Edythe hasn’t been a bitch for ten minutes so feels the need to rectify that by sneering how she didn’t realise he hated small town life and thought that she was making life more interesting for him. SHUT UP!! Now is not the time and the earth does not centre on you, Edythe. It focuses on Beau.

*SCREAMING*

I needed that as we know he does in this sad and strange little universe. Beau feels bad for a few seconds due to what he said to his father but then promptly forgets about his Dad as Oh Noes! He will be parted from Edythe for a few days and that’s worse. The end of this book makes this conversation so much worse.

Ergh, next is Beau trying to be selfless and humble but he comes across as a sociopathic creep. Observe:

“Okay, I was there. Big deal. It didn’t bother the other two. Why did Joss decide to kill me? There are people all over the place – people who are a lot easier to get to.” I glanced over my shoulder at Eleanor’s shadow. “Why am I worth all this trouble?”

Fuck off, Beau!

I know he is trying to sound all humble and say why me?! I’m nothing. It is literally for us and the Cullens to rush in and say that he is special and how much he is worth saving. We forgive Harry Potter when he says this as he keeps losing people very close to him in traumatic circumstances and he usually witnesses this. He naturally thought ‘why me?!’ in the ‘Order of the Phoenix’ as Sirius just died due to his mistake and then finds out about the prophecy that has made him a marked man since birth. We understand and yes Harry does wallow but then he picks his arse up and vows to avenge those who died and kill Voldemort as that is what needs to be done. He doesn’t just lay there while everyone else does it for him and then be called special. I know Meyer would hand-wave it and say that both Harry and Voldemort are humans and not like her super-charged vampires. No! Voldemort is a powerful and for most of series an immortal wizard whereas Harry is a teenager who hasn’t even finished his education, also he isn’t even the best student but he takes his human strength and ability to love to defeat Voldemort. Beau is just a lazy shit who flops around and does nothing. He is not special.

I also hate how he is basically implying that he wished Joss would just go and kill someone else. I know when something awful happens and you think ‘why me?’ but you don’t then hope that the awful situation on someone else. Say you had a terminally ill child, you wouldn’t look at the playing child in a park and wish they had it. People would usually say they wouldn’t wish their situation on their worst enemy when things are truly bad. Well, not Beau. He would much rather have someone else get eaten because it’s not like it’s someone he knows. Ergh, I hate that phrase in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Funny that now the eating is now bad as he didn’t care if Edythe did it.

Edythe says that it is partially his fault as he smells like a combination of bacon and coffee (I love those smells). Edythe then says that if she didn’t freak out then Joss wouldn’t have bothered but she likes to hunt things and seems to think hunting Beau will be really exciting due to his protection. Well, that will fail in a few chapters.

Beau asks why as he thought that he only smelled like brownies to Edythe but she has to inform us that no, he is extra yummy to her but he is still the yummiest human to ever walk the earth as he is just so special and amazing. Thanks for that, I may have forgotten how much Beau is better than me.

Edythe informs us that she will have to kill Joss and looks shocked when she thinks Beau wants her to live. Well, Beau has to tell us that he couldn’t give a flying fuck if Edythe kills another living thing with her bare hands but he is worried about his snuggle-muffin getting hurt. I know Joss is bad but most people still feel uncomfortable about people getting murdered even if they are bad. We may cheer on TV when the bad guy dies but not so much in real life. At least look uncomfortable that Edythe will kill someone.

Beau asks how one kills a vampire and Edythe tells us that they have to be ripped apart and burnt alive. Lovely! Apparently Eleanor can hear this and positively excited as she hasn’t had a chance to murder something other than a bear for a while and she can’t wait. This just makes her look sociopathic as she isn’t feeling bad that she has to kill a fellow vampire for the safety of her family but is actively excited and gleeful to have the chance to rip someone apart and set them on fire. Eleanor is insane. Why am I meant to like her? That is horrible.

Beau however feels happier about this as Eleanor wants Edythe out of the way for when she rips Joss’ head clean off and dances around her corpse. She is happier because he would rather Eleanor was hurt rather than Edythe. Love makes this guy even worse and I hate him.

They go into the Cullen house and they are shocked that Lauren is there. I don’t care as most of this chapter has been copy and pasted. Lauren informs them that Joss will stop at nothing and that a coven of seven is doomed because two vampires with no offensive abilities will come for them. I feel no tension as the Cullen’s have this in the bag!

Lauren asks if this is all worth it as Beau is just a human. No! Beau is way more special and amazing than some lowly human, they would just let one of them die but not Beau! Lauren decides that this is all too much drama llama for her and decides to go up to Denali and become an animal eating vampire. I guess as this is a stand-alone book then she will live happily after with Man Irina.

They decide to split up even though Joss is outside circling, that is still stupid as someone could stay with Beau in the house, doesn’t matter whom as if Edythe is part of the hunting party then she could hear them coming to the house so would be ready to attack and inform everyone else so they could corner them and kill them as seven against two is pretty good odds. Instead, they just split up and make themselves more fragmented because the plot demands it. This is so stupid and it hurts more as it’s the second time.

Edythe yells at Royal to trade clothes with Beau, why Royal as he is a tall and beefy monster. He is described as huge and muscly whereas I picture Beau as quite gangly. Anyway, Earnest volunteers instead so he picks up Beau and takes him to a dark room and for a change Beau undresses himself whereas in the original Esme undressed Bella. Hmm….. maybe there is some lesbian undertones? Meyer is way too repressed to do that deliberately.

Meyer also shows off how she is stuck in the 1990s as she makes a fuss that the Cullens have a small mobile phone. I am not impressed now as we now live in the world of smart phones but even twelve years ago I wouldn’t be impressed as mobile phones were still cheap and easy to access. They discuss which cars they will take. *Yawn* I don’t care.

Edythe and Beau say goodbye and by that I mean they touch faces for a while. What does creep me out though is when Beau describes their fleeting kiss as cold and hard. I am now convinced Beau has necrophilia fetish and likes them in the rigamortis stage. I just grossed myself out so I think I will pour some wine.

We end this awful chapter with Jessamine telling Beau that he is so worth saving as he is awesome and amazing and special and so spectacular. I am so glad I poured wine. Archie then comes in and carries Beau to the car as he is clearly incapable of walking himself.

I have noticed that the chapters are much shorter now that the climax has wandered in. It is more than obvious that Meyer loved to lavish so much attention and detail of Beau/Bella dazzling the Crab People and then their epic love with Edythe/Edward. She really doesn’t like conflict, but it becomes more obvious with this book now that we have ‘Breaking Dawn’ where every conflict is brushed under the carpet as Meyer hates it as she would rather write about how awesome Bella is. The climax of ‘Breaking Dawn’ only lasted four chapters at the most considering there was thirty-nine chapters in that book. Imagine if Harry Potter was like that and Voldemort just wandered in after a stupid amount of chapters that only consisted of frolicking.

However, Harry Potter is relevant again as the climax chapters of the ‘Goblet of Fire’ were pretty short but they were tense as Cedric died, Voldemort rose from the cauldron and Harry duels with him in a graveyard where he sees the echoes of Cedric and his parents. It may have been short but it was emotional and action packed. We cared! This is just swapping clothes and being stupid. It doesn’t even get better as we then spend a few chapters in a hotel room while people stare at each other. That isn’t interesting or tense and it should be as this is the goddamn climax of the book! I want to be tense, scared and emotional but I am just bored.

It is beyond obvious that Meyer hates writing conflict and action which means that the climax is just dull. I don’t care as the characters don’t care, well except Beau but that’s because he is worried about Edythe. It just becomes more glaring in this book as we have had all the others now and it is obvious. We have ‘Eclipse’ where we see none of the new-born army battles but just see Edward having a dance off with Victoria that doesn’t even last long and then the battle that never was in ‘Breaking Dawn’. Books need conflict in the climax otherwise no one cares and falls asleep. It is more than clear that it is not developed here as Meyer couldn’t be bothered so why should we muster up the emotions to care? Well, we don’t. Meyer can clearly only write wank fantasies.

Next time, is Beau sitting in an hotel room while action sort of happens away from him. We are so close to the end but we are also very close to the chapter of so many words which fills me with dread. I’ll just drink my wine and pretend it doesn’t exist for the rest of the evening. I am happy to live in that denial.