My first ride! I am hoping to go back and revise these but for now enjoy my first dip into blogging. Here you’ll find bit pieces about this dreck but also reviews of the companion novels written in the view point of Christian Grey. I advise booze and blankets for this section!
The Allure of Christian Grey (Tackling Bullshit Romance Tropes)
The Women of Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey Film: The Role of the Author in Adaptations
Welcome back!
Last time we delved into the terrifying history of Dr Carlisle Cullen who likes to pimp out dying rape victims to his son for funsies! Surely, it couldn’t get much worse but it does as we now dive into the history of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Now, I have read ahead and hell no am I tackling that cesspit/dream-boat on my own. So I would like to introduce my co-hater: Imogen!
Victoria: Welcome and are you ready to help me tackle the dreamiest (most terrifying) man in the Twilight Universe?
Imogen: Hell yes! Let’s immerse ourselves into the twisted world of everyone’s favourite killer disco ball. My God do I need a less masochistic hobby.
Victoria: Tell me about it! So let’s look at Meyer’s depiction of the man that sent a thousand Twihards squeeing.
Victoria: I must say, he looks like a raging douchenozzle. Look at his shirt! I love how his underage pecs are just desperate to break through.
Imogen: He really looks like the very definition of a fuckboy. Can’t say I expect anything more from Meyer’s wet dream.
Victoria: I agree, he looks so disdainful which I guess is pretty accurate as he looks down on anyone that isn’t a vampire.
Imogen: And then on anyone who isn’t his precious Bella. What a sad little life he must lead.
Victoria: The next section is just when he was born and transformed which was 1917 which we already know. Now I must quote his physical description as it made me crack up especially after what I said about him in Carlisle’s section.
Imogen: Lay it on me let’s hear about his bronze hair. JUST SAY GINGER!
“Edward is thin and lanky but muscular. He has untidy bronze hair and boyish looks.”
Victoria: Ahem:
Honestly, how do these pictures keep finding their way into Edward discussions? It’s baffling!
Imogen: Oh Bella, sweetie what are you doing?
Victoria: HAHA! Indeed, it’s just proving my pedesatry theory. The next bit is his stupid powers but I’m making note as Meyer feels the need to tell us that Bella is immune. Jesus! WE KNOW!!!
Imogen: He never fucking shuts up about it. WE GET IT, SHE’S IMMUNE TO YOUR FUN LITTLE VIOLATION AND SO YOU WANNA ABUSE HER IN ANY OTHER WAY POSSIBLE!
Victoria: Don’t forget it is to highlight to us mere pond scum how special and unique Bella is compared to us. Now are you up for some academic failure? Oh and for some Meyer wanking over the awesome that is Edward? Two for one!
Imogen: Bring on the crippling self hatred for reading this garbage!
“He has two medical degrees but has never worked as a doctor. His other graduate degrees are in literature, mathematics, law, mechanical engineering, several languages, art history, and international business.”
Victoria: HE IS AMAZING! BOW TO HIM!!!
Imogen: So this man could literally cure cancer and instead chooses to seduce a teenager? Seems legit. I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! HE IS TRASH PERSONIFIED!
Victoria: I guess you could argue that he couldn’t as the Volturi would kill him for exposure, even though they suck at blending in. However, the big point though is how could he complete a medical degree? Look at how he is described. He is depicted as a lithe *cough* eros *cough* boyish teenager so how on earth could he pass for 22 when you would start medical training in the US and still pass for 26 when he completed it. Also the big one is how the hell did he even complete it if it is a sunny day?! You can’t just skip medical school for camping! Another point, how on earth did he do the practicals when surrounded by blood? This makes no sense and it’s pissing me off.
Imogen: Come on Victoria, you know Meyer operates outside the confines of logical possibility! I guess she would say the pathetic humans didn’t notice his age and that the sun was somehow dormant where he studied. Perhaps he somehow studied online before the invention of competent computer technology?
Victoria: I don’t think he could get away missing practicals which is a huge part of a medical degree. I know Meyer would hand wave it but it is still stupid. It pains me how little she thinks as if I am meant to buy these things existing in our world then she needs to make it believable.
Imogen: She just relies on the rest of humanity to be as stupid as she is. Pity for her we aren’t as moronic as her ridiculously misanthropic characters would have us believe.
Victoria: Too true, I have scanned those forums so I know what those Twihards think. Now before we explode from the lack of sense, I’ll sum up the last of his profile before we get to the history as it is pointless and boring. She just feels the need to tell us that he likes music and what car he has which we know about as Bella loves to talk about the Volvo of Great Justice.
Now his history section is dark and full of failure so I hope you are ready for Meyer to show us how she knows nothing about history.
Imogen: My inner historian is already furious.
Victoria: Same here, trust me. So let’s start with some creepy implications first. Edward is an only child to Elizabeth and Edward Masen. His father was a lawyer and clearly a successful one as he gave that whiny brat everything he wanted from private school to music lessons but due to working away a lot which meant he didn’t give Edward the emotional love that he needed. Is that why Edward is a needy bitch then?
Imogen: Oftentimes the abused become abusers so I guess his father’s neglect turned him into the sociopath he is today. Nice work Meyer subtly blaming it on someone else.
Victoria: Hmm… that is a fair point. I am noticing a pattern with fathers in this universe. Think about it, Charlie is nothing but a busted Dad that Bella upgrades when she becomes a Cullen as Carlisle becomes her father in law and he describes her as a beloved daughter. Especially as at that point the thought was that Bella would never see Charlie again so she traded her busted one for the God that is Carlisle. Now look at Edward. His father lavished stuff on him but he never mentions his father in cannon, it is always his mother. I think it is once again because Edward upgraded his emotionally distant father for the emotionally coddling Carlisle. Whenever Carlisle talks about Edward it is always about how he is the favourite child (ew) and how he is the best thing ever.
Which is a total history failure as parents from higher class families rarely emotionally indulged their children so historically the father depiction isn’t unusual for that time.
Imogen: Meyer really enjoys wanking over her perfect vampires and villainising humans, huh. Carlisle saying that of course Edward must get into heaven and Bella nodding in ‘fervent agreement’ makes me break out in hives this God complex is so sickening.
Victoria: It is beyond sickening when it comes to those two. They honestly talk about each other like they are lovers. SUCK IT BELLA!
We then get with the mother that she was emotionally coddling as he was the centre of her life. I know that is normal for parents but when it comes to Meyer and her depictions of love then that just creeps me out beyond reason. I’ll ask again, is this why Edward is such a needy bitch?
Imogen: *Cough* they’re gay *cough*
If Elizabeth did actually suspect then why would she want her son to live as his whiny bitch self forever with the bonus of murderous tendencies thrown in? Love in the Twilight Saga is weird.
Victoria: Edward is so far in the closet that he frequently has tea with Aslan and Mr Tumnus.
Oh we shall come to that, don’t you worry but next is clear historical failure so if I were you I would put a pillow on your desk to prevent a concussion from head-desking. I am so grabbing margarita for this bullshit. Ready?
Imogen: I have already put aside money to pay for the massive dent I will soon make in my wall. Let’s go.
Victoria: Good to know! We have how Edward is a genius and now I shall quote:
“As he grew older, Edward became enamoured of the life of a soldier. World War I raged during most of his adolescence, and Edward dreamed of the day he could join the battle.”
Victoria: Now I wouldn’t have a problem with this if his date of of birth was say 1895 or something and he was born in the U.K. as that would make perfect sense as so many young men were enamoured in the beginning of WWI but by 1916 that dream was pretty much dead due to the death toll and suffering. Also the U.S. was isolationist at that time! If this was WWII and he was American then I could buy it but not this.
Imogen: Good lord Meyer really cannot be bothered with the slightest bit of research can she. Also how are we supposed to buy his being a genius if he was so eager to go on a suicide mission??
Victoria: Exactly! If this was WWII then it would make sense as the drive for that in the States was huge and seen as a great honour to fight the Third Reich. I honestly think Meyer is confusing both wars as the U.S. wanted nothing to do with the war until 1917. Also if he was that desperate then he could have signed up and lied about his age which men did all the time in that war and we know Edward loves lying. I think he just wanted to go out and kill things in all honesty.
Imogen: She really doesn’t give a single fuck about historical accuracy does she? Jesus Christ she’s an insult to her profession and the millions of authors that do painstaking research for their novels.
Yup, well thank fuck he got that wish fulfilled. Good for Edward.
Victoria: You are completely right. I have bitched about this hundreds of times that she cannot write historical characters for the life of her. It is insulting to authors that do the research to create realistic historical characters and situations. I said this about Edythe in ‘Life and Death’ she should not have sounded like Edward in a wig. Meyer is a hack!
We next have the Spanish Flu which neatly kills Edward’s father off really quickly so he can get a newer and better father in Carlisle. Do you mind if I go and throw something?
Imogen: She’s a complete disgrace compared to authors like Robin LaFevers who write brilliant historical novels along with author’s notes explaining the slight liberties they had to take for the story and the regret they feel for it.
And yet the boy that puberty failed somehow survived? By all means throw anything you want I certainly plan on doing so!
Victoria: Why thank you! *THROWS WARDROBE!*
That is very true, how did Edward manage to survive when he is built like that? Anyway, the bit that always gets me. Elizabeth begs Carlisle to save Edward and he thinks that she suspects he is supernatural. Let’s look at the Guide’s picture of him again:
He doesn’t look that supernatural except for the fact he looks pretentious but whatever. Why do I get the impression that Carlisle told himself that to justify it to himself that he stole a stunning and boyish waif to turn into his “companion”.
Imogen: Elizabeth was delirious with fever at this point and likely incapable of rational thought I doubt she even told him to save Edward at all…
What a fucking creep this man is!
Victoria: It screams of: “I swear I didn’t know she was fifteen!”
Imogen: 
Victoria: Oh and that section is cut in the book by shoving this picture after that the What The Fuck. It’s Edward’s piano, as if we care:
Answer is that we don’t.
Oh sweet Jesus. I must quote the next bit!
“Carlisle took Edward from the hospital late that night, carrying the unconscious boy home.”
WHY DOES MEYER MAKE EVERYTHING SO RAPEY?!?!
Imogen: Yes, Meyer we already know Edward is perfect at everything and we’re long bored of it a picture of a piano isn’t going to make us care.
PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT’S HOT LIKE CARLISLE!
WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT INSTITUTIONALISED?!?
Victoria: I can only think of money keeping her out. Edward’s father gets one last mention where he is completely tossed into the trash as it is said that Carlisle is the father that he always wanted. Well yeah, Carlisle let’s him do whatever he wants and praises him constantly.
We then get to hear how he reads minds but take note that it is only surface thoughts which becomes relevant in a minute.
Now, what is hilarious is that apparently Edward always had a knack for reading people. OK, so when he is telling us that Bella is so selfless and kind but the reader sees how selfish and shallow she is that it shows this supposed character trait fails. Show, don’t tell. ALSO STOP HOLDING MY HAND, MEYER!
Imogen: So much for his being able to read people ugh, Meyer doesn’t even know shit about her own characters.
Victoria: Nope, she has them act one way and then tells us how they should be because she thinks we are stupid. We then have Edward throwing his entire human family away as Esme the doormat has arrived and she is the best mother ever. Suck it, Elizabeth! Edward has better now.
This leads us into his vigilante days or as Meyer likes to call it: experiencing an alternative lifestyle.
Imogen: 
Victoria: On one hand I find it hilarious that she is using a homosexual euphemism for Edward after everything we have said.
On the other hand I am furious as she is trying to downplay fucking murder which is what he did. He went out and murdered hundreds for his own selfish greed.
So now I am confused as being furious and amused is giving me a hernia.
Imogen: Haha it’s as if Meyer is trying to tell us something…
One can accept that it is as justified as murder can be but to trivialise it so much is psychotic I fear for this woman’s sanity.
Victoria: Now what gets me is that she is hand-waving it by having it that he only goes for murderers and rapists in ‘Twilight’ but he isn’t doing it for the good of humans. He is doing it for food and not just any food but a glorious feast. Hardly a good thing as he only reads surface thoughts and how many people go out thinking “Oh! I fancy raping someone today!”
What I find that destroys her argument is that his first victim is Esme’s ex-husband. Yes, he was a domestic abuser but does he deserve to die an excruciating death that feeds that pampered arsehole?
Imogen: I’d say he deserves to die but certainly not for another future domestic abuser’s parasitic pleasure where’s the justice in that?
Victoria: Exactly, this is the problem as there is no justice. Vigilantism is a very grey area but he isn’t Batman who is doing for the good of Gotham. He is doing it to feed like a King which destroys any argument for any good of his actions.
I personally don’t agree as I don’t believe in the Death Penalty but we are agreed that this is no form of justice.
Imogen: Exactly, yes Edward is ridding the world of a monster but only because he is a monster himself.
Victoria: It’s why it scares me when Bella says it’s reasonable as these people could have been mentally ill and needed help or would never have acted on those thoughts but Edward just ate them anyway.
Imogen: It’s sickening.
Victoria: Especially when Meyer says this:
“I like that Edward’s not so clean-cut, that he has a dark side, that he’s doing things that are not clearly legal or illegal.”
Last I heard murder was fucking illegal! God, this woman scares me.
Imogen: NOT CLEARLY LEGAL OR ILLEGAL!! DOES SHE THINK WE LIVE IN THE DARK AGES?!?!
Victoria: Let’s leave this mess behind and move onto how Esme thought he was gay as he had no romantic love. It’s phrased that she was seriously concerned about him and that’s when Carlisle found Rosalie! Explains why Carlisle picked up the dying rape victim, as she was hot and would be a good test for Edward’s sexual orientation.
Imogen: 
This is too fucked up for words.
So what if he’s gay, Esme? So what and if Carlisle had any of his alleged compassion he wouldn’t have turned Rosalie in the hope she’d be Edwards sex slave.
Victoria: I can enrage you further if you wish?
Imogen: Go ahead!
Victoria: After Edward saw this dying gang rape victim that has been violated again by his ‘Daddy’ saw that he wanted him to hit that. He decided no not because of what happened to her but because he mind-raped her and decided she was shallow and self-absorbed. Please feel free to throw something.
Imogen: Edward really hates women doesn’t he? I understand why he’s irritated by Rosalie from the moment they met.
Victoria: Well, Meyer hand waves it and says that they have a sibling style love. I’ve never seen any love between them so that is bullshit. At least we are close to the end! So next up is Edward meeting the Denali women who are blonde so therefore whores but Edward was too good for that.
Imogen: Oh god, here we go. I can’t wait to hear about how everybody but Bella is a slut.
Victoria: Sadly Meyer is saving that for their section but we do have Edward rejecting Tanya who is the leader of the blondes.
Imogen: And on what grounds exactly?
Victoria: Well, I remember in ‘Midnight Sun’ he hints very heavily that as if he would want that! She is blonde and has had sex before which means she is used so therefore not perfect. Edward deserves perfect, goddammit!
Imogen: I’d say poor Tanya but she made a lucky escape in my opinion.
Victoria: Oh, she is very lucky. The last section for Edward is about Bella and I am not quoting as I am looking forward to dinner so therefore don’t want to vomit. Basically to sum up: Edward met Bella who is so amazing, beautiful, special, unique and wonderful. Her mind was private and her blood sang for him which meant he found instant love.
So that’s the history part finished. I won’t bother with his famous quotes as it’s just his stupid quotes about Bella. I will however end with this quote which I know you would love to express your feelings for. So please, go ahead and rant as this is straight from Meyer’s own mouth:
“Unfortunately Edward isn’t based on anybody – he is all imagination and wishing. I think his allure is partially due to his old-fashioned manners. He’s a gentleman, and those are hard to come by these days.”
Imogen: A
Gentle
Man
Has she read her books?!
Victoria: Remember this is her wank fantasy and thinks he is perfect.
Imogen: In what universe are serial killing stalkers who relish in being abusive to their conveniently weak girlfriends gentlemen?? Really Meyer I’d like to know. Also I must laugh at the irony of the world ‘gentle’ being part of that word because well… the honeymoon..
Victoria: I think we say that Edward is a misogynic, racist, murdering, abusive and disgusting pit stain on humanity.
Imogen: A pit stain on humanity that should just go fuck himself as clearly no one else is good enough too.
Victoria: Too true and on that note I would say that we are now done with Edward! Which is a relief and thank you Imogen as I couldn’t have done it without you. I hope you’ll join me again for this atrocious guide as we have many more fucked up characters to dissect.
Imogen: You can count on it! If we survived him we can survive the others!
Oh and if anyone cares, here is a picture of Bella’s honeymoon island which is impossible as that is clearly a pacific island plopped into the Atlantic Ocean where these tropical paradises don’t exist. I hope Bella enjoyed the sand fleas in her cooch.
Lovely, so next time I will be dissecting Esme. Oh joy, that doormat brings me such happiness.
Happy blogging!
Why do I honestly do this to myself?! It’s scary to think that my first review was Grey https://literaturemasochist.wordpress.com/2016/12/18/grey-review-the-book-that-made-me-want-to-bathe-in-bleach/ and now look what I have read in between. Well, the damage is done and I have now read Darker which is Fifty Shades Darker but from Christian Grey’s point of view. Now, I have read some of the worst fiction to darken a book store but I honestly think this is truly the worst. It was both boring and horrifying. I am not going to do a chapter by chapter recap for a few reasons:
*No point what’s so ever! It’s the same damn book. Yes, Life and Death technically was but that had huge discussions to go with it due to the gender swap. This is just the same story with Grey being annoying or disgusting. No one needs to be subjected to that.
*The chapters are split by days and one Saturday is literally a 100 pages long! That is not good for recapping and reviewing.
This post is mainly about Christian Grey as everyone is a cardboard cutout who only speaks to praise our arsehole of a love interest. Now I must go through the safety check list:
*Wine CHECK!
*Unicorn Hooded Blanket CHECK!
*Brain Bleach CHECK!
*Life Jacket CHECK!
Excellent, all set to go. The first thing to discuss before we reach Christian Grey is the blurb as it thinks I am a fucking moron!! The entire blurb is interrogatives! Here is one of four she puts:
“And if Christian does win Ana back, can a man so dark and damaged ever hope to keep her?”
NO! Bad Book! BAD! *Gets Fly Swat*
THIS BOOK IS NOT NEW!!!! IT IS A RETELLING VIA A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW OF A BOOK THAT CAME OUT YEARS AGO!!! FOR CHRIST SAKES, WE KNOW!!!! THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO READ THIS ARE FANS OR LITERATURE MASOCHISTS LIKE ME!!!! GAHHH!!!!
The others are; oh will Leila hurt Ana and other such crap. That blurb is insulting and stupid as the people who picked up this shit know the damn plot. *Punches Cushion*
Let’s discuss the arsehole that is Christian Grey! Now, during the first review I said even though Grey made me want to die as he is a psychotic bastard but it was still better to hear that rather than Ana the child who has a prudish sub-conscious and a sex goddess who is constantly on heat. I take that all back!!! Please give me that point of view instead as this was beyond tolerable, he is either an abusive arsehole or a love-sick and whiny teenager who WON’T SHUT UP!!!! I swear to God all this man does for 546 pages is go on and on and on and on and on about how Ana will surely leave him when she finds out that he is a monster and likes shagging mother surrogates because he is a creepy arsehole. I swear every page looks like this:
“She doesn’t know the monster.
The monster is not worthy of her love”
It is repetitive, bad form and just so boring. He just doesn’t stop whining and I know it’s for us to think “Oh noes! Christian you are amazing and worthy!” Well, no I just wanted to stick his head in a blender as he is still the abusive arsehole that he was but whinier. He honestly sounded like Edward in Midnight Sun, “Oh Bella won’t love me as I’m a vampire but I am going to watch her from the bushes anyway!” His constant words of how he is a monster would have more effect if he didn’t stalk her and hatch plans to win her back within five pages. If he really felt like that then he should have told her about his creepy fetish of shagging pseudo-mummy figures when she agreed to be with him and never leave him again. As we all know, he does tell her and she accepts it while being horrified for about a page (maybe a chapter if I’m being generous). Yet, he still whines!!!! All he does is go on about how she will leave him in either his thoughts and speech. The speech side bothers me as it feels abusive as he keeps saying she won’t love him enough and will just leave him while shattering his very existence and he may as well die without her. He even falls to floor in a frankly fake way to his knees when all she wants is a night away to think after being scared that she isn’t right for him. He emotionally blackmails her that she promised never to leave and then proposes. He is such a manipulative snake.
Right, let’s go back and start at the beginning. Grey is pissed that he has to wait a few hours to stalk/see Ana as he decided he wants her back. He picks her up and takes her to the helicopter while expressing his wish that he could rape her then and there as he describes how unwilling she looks but he wants her NOW! This is disgusting and thank goodness I have my Shiraz. They go to her friend Jose’s art exhibition and we get a new vile quality to add to our errmm….. hero? We know he is a sexist, rapist, abusive and narcissistic prick. Well, we now need to add racism to the list as that is exactly what we want in a love interest!
“He’s a good looking son of a bitch, for a dope smoker.”
*Pinches nose and breathes heavily*
E.L. James, do you know how it looks when you say the only person of colour and of Latin American descent is a dope smoker? It was never, ever established in this series that he smoked weed. Guess what that looks like? “Oh he is brown and from Mexico or something, of course he smokes weed! Isn’t that what they all do while wearing sombreros and napping? This why we need the wall. MURICA!!!!”
*Facepalm*
Congratulations E.L. James, you have now made your love interest, who is apparently the dreamiest guy, ever into a racist prick to add on to his other disgusting qualities. Anyway, shock horror Ana and Grey get back together and that is when we start the dance of how he is a monster and how Ana is the most amazing woman to ever grace the planet and don’t you dare forget it!
It really is so bloody tedious. She does something simple like making eggs and he goes on about how amazing she is. Sadly, we also have a lot of the annoying child sections thrown in where he doesn’t stop going on about apples and being burnt. I know I should care but I don’t as he was only abused until he was four, it was horrific yes but from the age of four he was adopted by the rich and indulgent Greys compared to other children who are thrown around from foster home to foster home for years but they don’t abuse others and use their past as an excuse. It really pisses me off. We also sadly, get more vile retcon when it comes to his mother, Ella (I am not calling her the crack whore, like Grey). We knew in the trilogy that Ella made her son a chocolate cake for this birthday, which is one of the instances that shows that she did love and care for her son. James, really tries to beat it into us that she is evil because she called him ‘maggot’ and kindly shows us the scene when she was going to make his cake by showing a beaten woman showing a client into her room and promising to make him a cake afterwards but calls him maggot. That fails on so many levels! The use of the word ‘maggot’ does not convince me she is evil and hates her son as why would she make him a damn birthday cake? She would not do that as that costs money which they clearly don’t have as Grey loves to go on about how poor they were. She would not waste her time and money on her son if she didn’t love him, I can’t even see her keeping him if that’s the case as why would she? Give him up and go back to the crack. It is honestly just so lazy and James thinks we will believe she is a evil by throwing in this word for retcon sake. This is pure telling and not showing but then again fans think Grey is the best so I’m sure they believe this crap too.
The other aspect to discuss is Leila, the mentally ill ex-submissive that was stalking Grey and Ana. In the original we have the utter nonsense that a mentally ill and filthy girl just happened to get a gun permit in Washington, which is pretty strict, for plot sake. Well, James who loves to retcon likes to tell us that she forged the papers to get the permit.
*Groans*, this is so stupid and my brain hurts. How on earth could a homeless, stinking, mentally ill young woman have gotten forged papers for a gun permit. The book describes her as damaged and vacant due to her illness but yet she had enough gusto and mental sufficiency to find a forger and pay him for papers which is hilarious as when Grey finds her she has no belongings. This has to be the worst retcon ever as it just makes the stupid even worse. This woman needs to research! Oh wait, it’s a wank fantasy! Never mind!
So part of me was impressed (very small part) with Grey when he takes care of Leila as he does seem to care about her wellbeing and what happened to her. This is completely ruined when he notices how filthy she is from being homeless. Does he feel utter horror and sympathy that someone he claimed to have cared about once has been reduced to this pitiful and tragic state? PAHAHAHAHA!!!! Of course not! He just goes on about how she stinks and it reminds him of his tragic past with his mother’s pimp because she smells icky like him. Wow, I can really see how good his heart is. *Eye Roll*
To be honest, the rest is just the same. We get no extra back story as whenever we have Grey talking to someone else then it’s just him going on about Ana and is she talking about him. There is no extra backstory or characterisation. Everyone is just as boring as before and waving pom-poms for Grey and Ana’s golden vagina. The sex scenes are the same but interrupted with Grey talking about Ana if she is property which is nothing new and going on about how she will leave him. More time is spent fleshing out their banging then plot, and no I am not surprised.
Aspects that should have involved more fleshing out were skipped through quickly like his helicopter crash, all he does is whine that Ros is excited to be in a helicopter for the first time as joy annoys him. Even his conversation with his mother when she learns he was in a sexual relationship with her friend at 15 is rushed through. All we get is her patting him and saying she is angry and then we are done! Yes, she is horrified that her friend is a pedophile but it lasts two pages as we need to go on about Ana rather than plot building. I can’t even talk about Ana, as there is nothing different but Grey/James wanking over the self-insert with declarations of how awesome she is when we know she is as smart and interesting as a cabbage.
So basically, this book is pure trash and I would honestly say this is the worst one of this series which is an accomplishment. This book should flesh out the characters and show us scenes that we haven’t read then rehashing the same shit with Grey whining all the damn time. I expected to be horrified and I was but not as much as I was with Grey. If anything I was just very bored, which is shocking as Darker in Ana’s point of view is vile. It still is but you can only be shocked once. I was appalled with the racism and the notion that maybe beating a woman till she cries is good for her as women love to cry to get hold of their emotions don’t they? Oh, wait! Most don’t, maybe I should tell James but she’ll block me like every other critic who calls her out for this abusive shit.
So we are done! I do not recommend reading this, even for the horror or lols as you won’t get many of that but may be good as a cure for insomnia. I’m not sure what I’ll do next as I am back to university in January but I am sure I’ll figure out something. Happy Holidays!
Welcome back!
We start straight off the previous chapter and Edythe is driving Beau home. Edythe feels the need be a Negative Nancy as she can’t just say she likes fifties music but has to shit on the sixties, seventies and eighties. They aren’t just one category, there are very broad genres in each decade so I think she is just being a snot. She likes Classical music as she is more refined and therefore better than you humans who enjoyed the Jackson Five or the Beatles. Oh, Beau and therefore Meyer wanks over how perfect her voice is.
Beau asks her how old she is and she looks dramatically at the sunset and tells us her life story in which she died in 1918 from Spanish Flu. She says she doesn’t remember it well which when this was Twilight then that was fine and understandable as it had been a long time. Now though, nope it doesn’t stick since Breaking Dawn and the guide have been published. Bella explicitly states after she is turned that she made a conscious effort to remember her human life with Edward (fuck friends and family) and boasts how it took her less than a second to cement those memories in her brain forever as she has a super vampire brain now. So this now looks callous and awful of Edythe, rather than understandable. She clearly chose to forget her parents, especially her mother who begged Carine to save her daughter’s life by any means necessary. The mother who lavished Edythe with love and attention which looks even worse considering Breaking Dawn is a giant ode to motherhood. Edythe chose to leave her mother behind in the muddy memories of humanity rather than keep her permanently in her mind and memories. It’s almost like Edythe saw that she was now an awesome vampire and had entered a higher existence so chose to forget the lowly past of humanity which means goodbye parents. I know Meyer probably did not think about this as she doesn’t think at all about implications of what she writes but this just makes Edythe look even more awful due to lazy writing.
She notes that she remembers the transformation which makes sense and wanks over how amazing Carine is for being able to bite Edythe. Once again, Breaking Dawn ruined this amazing skill considering all Edward did was dribble into a syringe and inject Bella. This just makes Carine look like a goddamn moron now, especially as she is a damn doctor so has access to syringes.
We have the same crap of how Carine was lonely so bit Edythe for her own selfish needs especially as I am sure Edythe believes she has no soul too and is damned. We now have the name of Man Esme which is Earnest. I have no complaints there as that fits the time period. Carine will be discussed later.
She comments on Eleanor’s transformation and how she was mauled by a bear. Our insightful and intelligent protagonists asks if she made it.
NAW!! YOU THINK!!!
Fucking moron.
Then she wanks over the awesome of Archie and Jessamine about how they developed a conscience. Well, no as the other books kind of destroy that. Yes, Jasper was bummed out due to the death screams of the people he brutally murdered but it was Alice that forced him into this lifestyle as he wants her to put out. He has thought many times about how he would go back to eating people and how he wanted to do that just give them the tiniest power boost for the newborn army battle. Jasper is only an animal eater to make Alice happy, I am certain he would change his mind if she did. So I am certain that Jessamine is exactly the same.
Then we have Alice who is a total slave to her visions. She had almighty tantrums in Midnight Sun as she saw Bella as a vampire or dead and she had to have her way as she doesn’t like to be wrong about her visions. Alice woke up and saw her future with the Cullens and their diet with Jasper so she went with that outcome as she hates to be wrong. I’m sure that if she woke up and saw herself slaughtering the population of Manhattan then she would do it. It’s nothing about a conscience but proving her visions are correct as she is a brat and wants her way. She would completely change her mind if she saw her and Jasper frolicking through a field of corpses that they had murdered. Archie is exactly the same. These statements now fail because we have seen these atrocious people for 4.5 books now.
Edythe then explains how Archie can see the future and it’s the same crap as the original. She then talks about how people eating vampires are nomads whereas they can settle in one place and interact with humans. Well, they barely interact with humans as they view them as beneath them and they only settle for four to five years at a time so they are nomads but just have a house and sofa instead.
They discuss walking around in the day due to sparkles and Beau thinks that this is where the myth comes from in terms of why they can’t be in the sun. Edythe agrees which is now stupid as she knows exactly where that myth is from and that’s the Volturi as they spread false myths around so real vampires aren’t easily detected. How, I know that she knows this? She explicitly tells Beau this later on in the book! Editing and consistency are friends! USE THEM!
They then marvel over how awesome Archie is for not being a savage people eater. Beau invites Edythe in to his home and manages to shit on his dad and wank over Edythe:
“I couldn’t picture it, a goddess sitting in my dad’s shabby kitchen chair.”
Oh barf! That is vile and stop being an arsehole to your Dad. Edythe starts rooting around his cupboards which is damn rude, Beau ponders this as it’s like she has been here before.
SHE IS STALKING YOU!! HOW IS THIS NOT PENETRATING YOUR THICK SKULL!!!
Beau starts eating scorching lasagne and asks an interesting question about whether or not Edythe misses food. I think that is fair as when you think of it Edythe just drinks blood to survive, not even yummy people blood but unappealing animal blood. She drinks it for need and not enjoyment. She no longer has the joy of having different flavours and textures anymore or the pleasure of eating an elaborate meal for a special occasion and she will never have the fun of trying something new and loving it. This would be a genuine downside of vampirism as you no longer have the creativity of food anymore but are just drinking to live.
PAHAHA!!! Did any of us really think there would be a downfall to vampirism? Yeah right:
“She shook her head. “I hardly remember food. I couldn’t even tell you what my favourites were. It doesn’t smell… edible now.””
So she clearly chose to forget all of her human life, if she had a traumatic one then fine but she was a pampered little princess so no. She decided it wasn’t worth remembering and didn’t. That second line could have been a really interesting topic, she could smell something that she used to love but it no longer smells edible which is a small but stark reminder of everything she lost when she turned.
Nope, she just forgot as there can be no downsides to becoming an abomination. Beau even asks her if there is anything she misses about being human. Remember, this all new so Meyer isn’t just changing pronouns and she is still forgetting or ignoring what she set up about vampirism. It’s sloppy! Edythe says no as she doesn’t remember anything, I have already ranted but this here just makes Edythe look awful as she couldn’t be bothered to take a whole second to remember her family and Meyer look stupid. Carine remembers her life!! Time is no damn excuse as Carine is much older, the is just proof that Edythe is a deplorable person.
Edythe says there is one downside to vampirism and that’s not sleeping. I’m sure that will be temporary as I think we know Beau will become a vampire so we know thanks to Bella and Edward that they will spend all night banging away like horny rats which they will think is better than sleep. Beau asks her what her nightly routine is and she confesses that she stares at him while he sleeps.
Beau is horrified for all the wrong reasons, like Bella is as Oh Noes! He may have said something embarrassing in his sleep.
Ermmm…. Beau? PRIORITIES!
He really needs to seek help.
Anyway, apparently he goes on about how he misses his mother (doubtful) and how much he loves Edythe. People don’t say this shit when they sleep talk. I sleep talk a lot and the nonsense that comes out my mouth such as declaring that Rudolph is actually a rabbit and how I had 10,000 pork steaks in a sack. People usually talk utter crap in their sleep and I know it’s not just me.
Charlie comes home and Beau basically calls him a shabby pig as he blends in well with his crappy furniture. What an arsehole. Charlie for some strange reason becomes fascinated with the idea of Beau’s love life and suggests he dates McKayla and then goes on about dating other girls. It was completely out of nowhere but it was all for Beau to mentally wank over how he has the most perfect girl so why would he settle for this lowly human girls. Beau has taste, bitches.
Beau decides to act as suspicious as possible as he yawns loudly and declares he is off to bed and drags his feet as slowly as possible. He comments that his Dad looks dejected over the fact that his son can’t stand to be in the same room as him but Beau doesn’t give a flying shit and leaves anyway.
Beau wanders into his room and spots Edythe there; he is so shocked that his heart hurts. Errm… why? He knows she has been staring at him all night for months. Instead of saying he needs a few minutes, Beau for some strange reason says he needs a human minute so he can get changed and washed. I’m sure vampires wash too, especially if they are wrestling terrified animals in the dirt all the time, I doubt they stay magically clean when covered in mud and blood.
Shockingly enough, while Beau is changing he comments on his shirt he wears to bed which is from a BBQ place he liked in Phoenix. It’s not much but it is more personality than Bella. He hand-waves his outfit as Edythe knows what he wears from her frequent stalking. He is so blasé about this! I would be horrified but I don’t see the point of harping on about this as it has been discussed to death. We know it’s creepy and disturbing so there isn’t much else I can add.
Charlie bumps into Beau on the landing and once again Beau acts suspiciously by exclaiming loudly that he is so going to bed. I think this is to show what a bad liar he is but this is the only instance as he lies all the time and gets away with it.
Edythe for some strange reason has to pick on his shirt which is a pig smiling in between two buns and asking if the pig should look so happy to be food. Well, I don’t know Edythe, how about you ask Bambi the next time you slaughter a deer with your bare hands.
Edythe then snuggles up to Beau and for some reason all her bloodlust over his blood has gone. As we know it’s because she decided she would just think herself out of her blood lust. Yes, with addiction your mind has to be ready to give up your vice but it’s not exactly that easy. You don’t think yourself over it and suddenly you are. If that was true, then we wouldn’t have so many relapsed heroin users. This just shows how sheltered Meyer is as she has no idea what true addiction is like, you don’t have to experience it yourself to see it but she is stupid. Meyer has explicitly said that human blood is an addiction, that is not something you just get over because you feel like it otherwise we wouldn’t have drug, alcohol, nicotine and caffeine addicts. Edythe hand waves murder by saying she has decided not to now as that’s how addiction works. Well isn’t that lovely, so it’s not insane blood lust but deciding. I hate this book. Beau says that is sounds easy but Edythe tells him that is so not easy even though what she just said completely contradicts that.
Next Edythe wraps Beau in a full body blanket condom as skin touching is a no no when you are not married which we learnt in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Edythe then bangs on about how powerful the emotion of jealousy is and how she wanted to shit a brick when McKayla asked him to the dance. She describes fury and again judging by Midnight Sun I am sure Edythe wanted to crush McKayla’s skull just like Edward. That is just abusive and possessive. Once, again I discussed this at length with Grey but let’s do it again! Why, because it is gender flipped now!
I explained in full that it is not romantic or love when your partner descends into foaming mouthed gorilla territory because someone else has interest in them. It is abusive and possessive because they therefore do not trust you. Insane jealousy is not romantic. Too many romances show this trope but it always the man lapsing into a fit. Now the main topic of conversation as now is the time to do it as we know the humans who love Beau are gone now and we don’t have a gender flipped ‘New Moon’ and beyond to discuss this. However, I am sure Edythe would be just as possessive and vile as Edward was. It needs to be discussed as when you look up signs of mental abuse in couples then it is always “How does your friend dress like? Has SHE changed?” It is almost always SHE because it is seen as a male trait to be possessive and therefore abusive. How about when it’s women doing this? How is it portrayed? Well there is now a worrying trend that girlfriends who are possessive and jealous are deemed as cute, crazy teehee and adorably possessive. Observe:
There are so many more articles like this on Buzzfeed. It is seen as cute and loving. Well it is not cute. It’s damn well abusive and it is no wonder why men do not come forward more often to report to domestic abuse. Reverse the gender in that article and it would be flagged as abusive. I am sick of this trend and sadly many probably wouldn’t think Edythe as abusive but if we go via Edward cannon where he is accused of abusive behaviour constantly then Edythe is just as guilty. Edythe is describing the fury and hatred she felt due to jealousy. It is not OK! This has to stop; women abuse men too. Men are not weak and pathetic if they are mentally and physically abused as it does happen. I have seen it where it is brushed off as he is a guy but if you went through the warning signs then it would fit. Edythe is just as a bad as Edward, we have already seen insane jealousy, and stalking. Luckily we don’t see some of the worst due to not having gender flipped New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn but remember that it could happen and flip Edward’s disgusting behaviour where he dismantled Bella’s engine to stop her seeing Jacob. Now imagine it was Edythe. We may not see the worse but it’s there and gender does not change abuse.
Abuse is abuse!
Anyway, Edythe goes on about how happy she was when stalking Beau, when he mentioned her name. She then goes on about how awful McKayla is which is totally unnecessary and reiterates my point. Apparently these are all human feelings. Again I really don’t think many humans fantasise about smashing a love rival’s skull into fragments with their bare hands. Anyway, even if they did they probably couldn’t but a vampire could so it’s deadly serious. Also don’t blame this on human emotions as we know from Bella that vampire emotions are 1000% stronger so this is just her psychotic mentally surfacing but blaming it on humanity.
I HATE THIS BOOK!!
Beau for some reason goes on about how Royal was meant for Edythe and how can he compete with his rock hard abs.
*Heavy Breathing*
PEOPLE AREN’T FUCKING PROPERTY!!!!!
Edythe rushes in to reassure Beau that Royal is the property of Eleanor and even so that wouldn’t matter as Beau is so much better. Then Edythe says this:
“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours …all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”
Blergh! So you aren’t complete unless you have found a love interest. I loathe the phrase ‘other half’ as that suggests that you aren’t complete as a person without a love interest. Shockingly, people can be happy when single. You aren’t any less of a person without a partner.
Edythe asks if Beau turning his back on humanity is worth it? Well, yes as he thinks humans suck just like Bella. I wonder if this is an odd throwback to Breaking Dawn when Edward all of sudden laments about taking away Bella’s ability for babies on their wedding night even though she had never shown the slightest interest in them before. I think my suspicions are confirmed because Beau says no and she says not yet. I think she worries about Beau not spreading his wangsty seed everywhere. All I can say is thank goodness! We don’t need another Renesmee.
Charlie decides to check on his boring son and then Edythe asks Beau if she would like it if she sang him to sleep. EW! It was creepy in Twilight and it is still creepy now. Beau says he doesn’t want to sleep so Edythe wants to know what he would like to do. I am pretty sure he wants sex. Why? Well:
“Honestly? A lot of things. None of them careful.”
As he can’t sex her up for reasons that we shall see, Beau asks her why she bothers not murdering people as it seems like such effort. If this is Beau/Bella’s reasoning, then I am still shocked she had super/stupid self-control as she/he doesn’t seem to give a shit about murder. He honestly says he doesn’t see why she bothers. Hunny, sweetie pie, it’s pretty simple:
MURDER IS WRONG!!!
I don’t want any arguments about how it’s no different to meat eaters. Humans are sapient which means they can reason, this is why it is frowned upon to eat dolphins and apes as they are very similar in terms of sapience. Vampires murder people with family, hopes and dreams for a quick fix. Also Beau shows what a sociopath he is as he doesn’t care about murder. Well, it’s not like it’s anybody he knows (Bella’s attitude).
Edythe goes on about how they do, because they want to retain their humanity. You could also say murder is wrong as that is pretty simple. They then go on about powers but it’s the same shit.
We then have new crap of Edythe pondering where vampires come from. She said maybe evolution or creation and how it is easy to imagine a creator creating vampires as they created sharks as well as seals.
We know Meyer considers her vampires as scientific (I don’t even know) but she fails at science in evolution terms. The shark or orca are not unstoppable predators. Every predator has a weakness as nature doesn’t create super charged predators. Seals can escape sharks and orcas. Antelope escape cheetahs many times due to the stamina of the cheetah. Vampires have no weaknesses so therefore impossible in evolution terms. If it’s creation by God, then that has some very dodgy implications. God created man to be the pinnacle so why would God create a predator who outright murders these humans but they have no chance to stop it. That’s the Christian God but the Jewish and Islamic Gods would be the same. Basically this fails beyond all reason. There are also many uncomfortable implications in these books that vampires are compared to angels and a higher plain of existence, even Carlisle is described in God-like descriptions. I very much doubt any God would condone out right murder for desire as we have seen from Bella that vampire thirst is merely an “Ow”.
We then have a strange throwback to Breaking Dawn:
“We have tomorrow, and the next day and then next….”
Doesn’t that sound like:
“”Forever and forever and forever,” he murmured.”
Beau is now in heat and decides to ask Edythe if she can go into heat like a horny cat. That took one sentence, Beau takes a page. He does say he is super aware of his circularity system which clearly means he has a raging boner. He also has to say how she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. So yes, he wants to bang Edythe but won’t say it. Then I was shocked:
“She laughed again. Are you asking me about sex, Beau?”
I’m shocked as she said sex. Wow, Meyer look how you have grown.
“Sex and Vampires One-Oh-One, We all started out human, Beau, and most of those human desires are still there – just obscured by more powerful desires.”
Right so all the crap Edward gave about humans and hormones and you are still doing the same by implying we are just horny little ferrets and therefore inferior. PAHAHA!!! It is explicitly said that Rosalie and Emmett banged non-stop for ten years!!! She then said vampires form stronger bonds as they are better. Ergh!
Next up is Edythe saying she can’t have sex with Beau as he is a delicate snowflake and she would kill him. We had this issue with Bella and Edward but it is worse here. Let’s talk about sex!
• If they stick with good old fashioned missionary then yes, I could buy the danger angle as she could go for his throat easily while he was ploughing it into her.
• THERE ARE OTHER POSITIONS! The films proved this with Bella riding Edward cowgirl style. Beau and Edythe could go for doggy as he would be in control and she has no access to veins. There are other positions for sex and if anything it is easier with a human man as they are usually able to adapt more to different positions as they have the penis.
• We know this is stupid as Edward went on about how dangerous it was but when he put a ring on it then it was all good. He was willing to slip it into to Bella and she loved it!
• It would be impossible for them to have sex anyway as Edythe is ice cold. Little Beau would shrink faster than you could blink. I don’t think his warm and erect penis would last in an ice cold cavass.
She says that when he is giving her one then she could crush his skull when she was meant to stroke his face.
DOGGY STYLE!!! My God, it is not that hard. Go on Amazon and get a sex book, please!!
I have to admit that I have no idea who is talking now as there are no person tags for the stream of dialogue but I am sure it has to be Edythe speaking:
“Do you have any experience with sex and humans?”
Naw, he prefers donkeys!
Why was humans even there? I think if Beau is going to have sex then it would be with a human rather than a goat. Well, I hope. That’s why I was confused as it is a weird phrase. It must be Beau though as he blushes.
They then go on about how their love is more special than human love as they will sex each other up out of love rather than lust. *Slow Clap* That does not make your vampires special as we humans are not constant horny ducks who just shag constantly. Again, this is rich considering Bella forgets she has a child due to her raging horn and how she wants to shag Edward then and there when the pivotal moment of Charlie coming to see Bella post vampirism for the first time. From what we have seen, vampires are far worse when it comes to sex.
Edythe then goes on about his eyes and I’m twitching again as she describes them as a sky without clouds and I keep thinking of chocolate brown. Oh Jesus Christ! Apparently Beau has ten admirers.
Yes, this is not as extreme as Bella who had the whole school plus teachers. Ergh, but it is still disgusting.
Then I am freaked out as Edythe wanks over Beau’s arms which seems very strange. Why arms? Anyway, Edythe goes on about how wonderful Beau is and I want to throw up. She then sings him a lullaby.
I give up on life!
This is it, we are at THE chapter that started this God forsaken series. This is the chapter that was Meyer’s wet dream where she dreamt of a sparkly boy in the meadow telling this girl how much he loved her but wanted to kill her. I would say that she ate too much cheese late at night and to forget it but no, she found a spark lit up inside her (sleep orgasm) and had to write this story out. This awful chapter sparked the mess of the series to come which brought us Twihards, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, Renesmee and The Vamp (seriously, look that up, it’s weird and disturbing). It will be interesting to see how this pans out (I red-penned this ages ago so I can barely remember what happens except the sparkles) but I am almost certain it was a little of copy and pasting with disturbing extras peppered onto a steak made out of horse shit.
Anyway, enough dawdling! Let’s enter the Meadow of Great Sparkling Fail!
*Reads first paragraph*
OH JESUS CHRIST!!! NO I DON’T WANT THIS CHAPTER!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!
LOOK AT THIS:
“I thought about falling to my knees on purpose. This was the kind of beauty you worshipped. The kind you built temples for and offered sacrifices to. I wished I had something in my empty hands to give her, but what would a goddess want from a mediocre mortal like me?”
I am boggling. I am going to quote myself as in what my red pen notes say:
“What the ever loving crap is that?”
That is Beau’s reaction to her sparkling. Really!?! I know I have joked about Beau slaughtering a chicken for Edythe and dancing in a circle. Meh this will do:
This is a thousand times worse than Bella’s reaction. This is beyond creepy as he has gone beyond just thinking she is hot but actually worshipping her. Granted, Bella did too but not to the point of sacrificing goats. I still don’t get why the sparkles are meant to be beautiful, especially as ‘The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner’ pretty much ruined that when they went on about how they look like disco balls, which I found hilarious as it seemed like hanging a lampshade on the utter stupidity that sparkling is.
Also it just shows what a shallow prick he is again as he has to worship such beauty and is trying to be humble but we know different. Also! I think I need a serious bleach bath and a dousing of wine straight into my veins as the sound of Meyer fapping hard away about her self-insert is utterly disgusting and I don’t think I will ever be clean again.
I’m running away from that as fast as possible as its gross. Beau is still gawping at Edythe and she asks him if he is scared. Ermm…. I must ask quickly during this wank fest errmm…. Why? Why is this scary? It’s just sparkling, it’s not like she is ripping the heads of goats or something. It’s just glittering. I must admit, I have never understood the hatred for the sparkling as it doesn’t happen often and vampire myths can change and often have with time. Make fun of her reasoning as it’s stupid as she has no idea how biology works but the sparkling is pretty inoffensive. We have so much more that we can rip apart, no need to waste time on something that barely features.
Beau tells Edythe that she is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.
*Points down*
That is your precious Edythe.
He likes to remind us that he is telling the truth which is helpful as he is a lying liar who lies. Edythe asks if he is repulsed by her lack of humanity. Well, any normal person would be but not because of the sparkling but because you are a raging psychopath. Why would anyone think that sparkling is terrifying and repulsive, yeah it is a bit weird but not horrific. Beau answers with this:
“I’m feeling like humanity is pretty overrated.”
Jesus, even Bella didn’t start shitting on humanity this quickly! The message that humans are as low as pond scum are spread throughout this obnoxious series but it really smacks you in the face like bad beef in Breaking Dawn, especially when Bella turns into a vampire. It is nothing but the constant drum beat of how humanity is the worst and how being a vampire is the best. I will never understand why anyone would want to be one of those abominations. Hey! Quick check list:
• Never sleeping! Never being able to shut the world and your mind away.
• Never eating or drinking (not blood) again! No variations in diet.
• Seeing loved ones grow, change and die while you are stuck forever.
• Never growing or changing yourself.
• Never being able to settle and make long lasting friends (who aren’t murderous vampires) as they will notice you never changing.
• Never having children.
• Never having pets as it has been stated animals hate vampires.
• Never dying. That is a negative as imagine how different humans will be in thousands of years time.
• Never being able to see the world during the day due to sparkling. You can’t enjoy the beach in the Maldives or the vibrancy of Australia during the day.
• Boredom! Linked to never dying but having endless time but limited with what you can do.
• Acting like an animal when blood is near.
Yes, you get to be sparkly, pretty, powerful and immortal but I think what I listed doesn’t sound appealing in the slightest, to me personally. Most vampires are nomadic animals who just travel in pairs and slaughter humans for food in the wilderness. That sounds horrendous and I would rather not but Beau thinks that is the berries. Do you know, if he wants that then fine but he doesn’t need to slam humanity constantly as it just makes him look awful as he feels like he deserves the best as he is Beaufort Swan, bitches! It’s the High School fantasy all over again, where the mousy brunette becomes beautiful and then topples the mean girl to become the meanest girl out there.
I’m skipping the next few pages as it is just Beau stroking Edythe’s arm and trying to make sure that she won’t rip his head off in the process. Oh, and Edythe thinks it’s the best feeling ever. She needs to get out more.
Edythe brings up her favourite topic which is finding out if Beau is terrified of her. Why does she get off on the thought of scaring him? It’s creepy! Actually, fuck it. It’s this:
Beau then huffs her breath; these people are freaks! Well, Edythe does freak out and runs off unto the woods. She asks him if he can give her moment which means more human bashing as Beau needs to inform us that it is loud enough for his pigeon ears.
Edythe comes back and we get the crap about how she is world’s best predator and decides to demonstrate this by destroying nature. I know she is trying to scare Beau as she gets off on that but I bet Beau loves it as he hates nature so is probably orgasming over its destruction via Edythe. I have proof of this theory:
“I’d never seen her so completely freed of her careful human façade. She’d never been less human … or more beautiful. I couldn’t move, like a bird trapped by the eyes of a snake.”
Hmm…. Where to start. Yep, called it, he loves watching the destruction of nature. OK, yes it isn’t a general human activity to rip apart trees but I still don’t think it’s that astonishing and dropping the façade as she looks human. If she turned into a llama demon, then fine but it just seems to be a bit dramatic to me. Also, look at the human bashing, her throwing off her human façade makes her more beautiful as humans are too dull for Beau. Plenty of humans destroy nature, Beau, not just vampires. Also that phrase about the snake is odd. Yes, plenty of snakes will eat birds but their most common prey is rodents. Captive snakes eat frozen mice after all. I would have changed bird to mouse as it seems a bit odd to me but maybe it’s because birds are seen as more attractive than mice which are usually considered vermin and Beau can’t be that! It is just a very odd phrase.
Edythe stops destroying nature and sits next to Beau and promises that she won’t murder him. They talk about how they never want to leave each other, even though Edythe finally admits she is selfish and won’t leave him alone. She also likes to remind him about how she wants to murder him.
We then get the exact same shit of Edythe describing him as her favourite ice cream, but then decides to go on about alcoholics and describes humans as stale beer but Beau is cognac. Then we have the line that so many Twihards love for some strange reason:
“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”
Nothing shows love like addiction! I know it’s his blood but that was what drew her to him. They just love huffing each other like paint which indicates addiction. We then have the same nonsense of Edythe discussing this with her sisters and how yummy people blood is. She says Eleanor has brutally murdered two people because they smelled extra yummy but it is described like this:
“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?”
The Cullens brutally murdering someone extra yummy for something to eat is a bit different from me eating an entire tub of ice cream in my pyjamas of shame. I won’t say why just yet but this line becomes so important at the end and there will be tantrums. This line will, actually fuck it, this whole heroin description will lose all credibility at the end. So make a mental note of this my dear readers and there will be so many words!
I hate this blasé attitude towards cold blooded murder! I do not want any comparison with meat eaters as due to the high intelligence most societies will not eat apes and dolphins which are considered completely separate from eating a chicken. A life is a life yes but these people have hopes, dreams and families but because one of the Cullens thought one of them smelt particularly yummy then they decide to end that for a brief ten minutes of satisfaction. That is murder, end of.
Beau then decides to wank over the prospect over his own murder. Judging by the worship earlier, I think he would have run up the stairs of Chichen Itza to have his heart ripped out if it was for Edythe. She then makes excuses for Eleanor as they were strangers that she ate, it would have been bad if she had known them. That is horrendous as most people feel compassion for strangers who have been hurt. Look at all the love from around the world in terror attacks! Imagine if most of the world didn’t care because hey, it’s not like they know these people who were injured and died. This is beyond worrying and disturbing.
Edythe admits that she thought of murdering him when they first met as well as lots of children but didn’t because that would inconvenience Carine. Not the mindless and cold blooded murders of over twenty people, na they are just lowly humans. How I am meant to believe these people care about humans as they clearly don’t. I have no clue why they only hunt animals as they have shown no indication of caring about humans.
Edythe then goes on about how she thought Beau was a demon (he is) sent to torture her and she kept thinking how she could lure him away to kill him. That is not like a shark who only acts on instinct towards blood as they go into machine mode. She coldly and calculatingly thought of how to murder Beau. That is not insane with blood lust. To prove this, I am going to quote what Edward said in ‘Midnight Sun’ as he plans it so calmly that it just shows what a psychotic arsehole he and therefore Edythe is. Sorry for the long quote but it is needed:
“Destroy evidence. Collateral damage….
I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.
The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.
I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.
The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.
Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.
If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.
But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn’t have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door—block that and they were trapped.
It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear…and I’d be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.
And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.”
Oh, swoon! Don’t they sound like someone we want to aspire to date. I will say it again: I HATE THIS SERIES!
I am certain that was Edythe’s thoughts as it is terrifying to note that Meyer claimed she felt like she was more akin to Edward after writing ‘Midnight Sun’. Look at that!! That is disturbing and I am now scared, not the sparkling but the cold and calculated plots for mass murder. That is not the frantic outburst of the blood thirsty shark within but calculated murder.
Edythe feels the need to tell Beau and therefore us that she considered murdering the frail human (she says that) to abduct Beau. As Beau has no regard for his own life said he would have followed her even though she was a big fat meanie to him.
Edythe explains how she ran off to Alaska but decided to come back as he was just an insignificant human. Once, again I am not getting the impression that she has any compassion for humanity but thinks that they are just vermin. She shows this attitude again by saying that she thought she could treat him like any other human. Yes, with disdain!
She then explains her shit fit when the car came to kill him and thought that it couldn’t be Beau that died, anyone else is fair game though. I’m skipping the rest as it is just a re-hashing of chapter three. I will mention that she admires for Beau for his brains as he saw past the human façade, no he just got boners over your perfection which is not the same thing.
Edythe declares that she can’t live without him even though they have only been cordial for a few days. I am not a fan of romances but if I read one then I like to see the build-up of love. I love the end of ‘Mockinjay’ when Katniss tells Peeta that she loves him as it is genuine growth of her feelings. I get this book is romance but it is just literally them ignoring each other, talking a bit and then BAM!! Twu Luv. It’s pretty unrealistic and dull.
Next is the stupid quote that so many Twihards have tattooed on them about the lion and the lamb. I am not quoting it as it hasn’t changed and makes me want to puke. Edythe goes on about how humans shy away from them which still makes no sense as she said that they are beautiful and smell good to attract their prey. Which is it!?!
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 29
The next page is her listening to his heart and I don’t care so I am skipping as nothing has changed. Beau admits that he has been constantly thinking about her and fantasising about her since day one which means he is a massive stalker. They sort of hold each other for a bit while Beau huffs her stench but once again we get some anorexia vibes:
“down her sharp shoulder blades”
How lovely. Edythe tries to explain that she is hungry for some boning as well as his murder. Kinky. She is also very confused by her lady boner as she has never had it before. It is fine to have urges before you meet your love partner as it is called hormones! We aren’t birds who mate for life but animals that have sex for pleasure but don’t need to be in a true love setting to notice those feelings. This is so stupid and also could be damaging as a teenager could be in an abusive relationship but because the sex is good and they desire it then they must be destined true loves as you don’t have these desires till you meet them. Oh Jesus, that is Ana’s feelings for Christian Grey. She isn’t a dirty whore for rutting like a horny squirrel with Christian Grey every given second of the day because he was her true love. That is Ana’s disturbed reasoning as she is so judgemental to any woman who enjoys sex for sex sake as they are whores in her warped mind.
Beau says he understands which makes sense as he is always packing wood when Edythe is around. They stare at each other a bit longer until Edythe decides she wants to take him back to his truck the fast way. She asks him to climb on her back and Beau is just shocked as she is a puny woman! Oh, sorry, it’s because she is so small.
Beau is trying to pretend that it is because she is so delicate and thin so therefore couldn’t carry his man weight even though he saw her ripping trees apart. He seems the type to buy SHARK PUNCH SHAMPOO as God forbid a man smells like a fruit.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 65
They travel at the speed of light and Beau is scared for some strange reason, I don’t even know or care. Edythe jokes that he looks whiter than her even though he is clearly disorientated. Isn’t she a sweetie.
Anyway, Edythe decides that she wants to try kissing even though it is more just her batting her stone cold dead lips on his for a few seconds. Pretty much how children make Ken and Barbie kiss. Hmm….sexy, not! Beau practically soils himself and grabs her face but Edythe has to run away so she won’t kill him. Granted this is a good obstacle for forbidden love as she feels for him but could kill him so that adds a danger element but we all know that it will only last a chapter as Meyer hates conflict.
Edythe praises herself for not killing him and then says that Beau is a horn-dog due to being human. REALLY?!? Do I need to remind you, Meyer, of Bella and Edward who forget they have a child as they can’t stop shagging in their cottage or Rosalie and Emmett who couldn’t stop having sex for a decade straight in which Bella said that she and Edward are worse. Vampires are like those rodents who shag themselves to death. Human issue, my arse!
Beau is wobbling all over the place after the tamest kiss ever so Edythe decides that she will drive him home as he is clearly drunk from love. No, it is because the blood has drained from his brain to his penis.
That is the end of the chapter!
Not much was changed from the chapter but I think we can all agree that there were some horrifying new additions. I am happy to have got the shameless wet dream chapter over with as that means we are closing in on the ‘plot’. Next up is a pointless chapter in which they talk some more and discuss vampire/human sex which fails completely.
Until next time!
Good luck balancing with your Lol Clumsy, Beau!
We start this chapter with Charlie being all excited that his friend has come over to see him. We see some genuine characterisation between the three as they laugh and joke with each other. Jules, once again comes across as far more likeable than Edythe could ever be. Beau decides that all of this is offensive to him to goes inside so he doesn’t have to be a part of this merrymaking. They decide to stay for the game, shocking as I thought women didn’t understand complicated man games like sports! Bonnie drops Jules in it by saying how she was excited to see Beau again (Why?!?).
Beau decides to cook grilled cheese sarnies so he can further his avoidance of socialisation as he is an arsehole. Didn’t he say back in Chapter 6 how he wanted to see Jules again? Jules decides to take up the unenviable task of making small talk with Beau and he actually shows some interest in her life which is shocking in its own right and asks if she has finished her car. Naturally, we have to get back to the Cullens so Jules asks who was driving the awesome Volvo. I really doubt someone who loves classic cars and is building a VW Rabbit would really think a silver Volvo was that amazing as she would more likely be impressed with the horse power and other car things rather than a price tag. This is just another case of Meyer moving a character’s lips to make them fawn over the Cullens.
Beau tells Jules that the driver was Edythe Cullen and to his shock she doesn’t fawn over how amazing that information is but just laughs. I love you Jules, please phase into a werewolf now and rip Edythe apart. We then have the stupidity of Jules saying that Bonnie wouldn’t tell Charlie due to him cutting off his best friend all because she dared to not like virtual strangers. It was ridiculous in the original and it is still stupid here. Not enough to award points though as Meyer would never remove anything that didn’t make the Cullens look like tortured heroes and the werewolves as nothing else but prejudiced jerks.
We know the Cullens are racist dickbags.
Beau basically sticks around just to see if Bonnie will say anything and not because he actually wants to socialise with anyone that isn’t a Cullen. Beau decides that he doesn’t want to talk to his father but Charlie would quite like to connect to his son. Sadly, Charlie asks why doesn’t Beau go to the dance with McKayla. I think this is just so Beau can go on about how much better Edythe is compared to that human scum. It wasn’t this bad in the original which is odd but it must be to make Edythe and therefore Meyer seem more special. Beau then lies off his arse by saying he is just like daddykins while smiling so his Dad won’t spend time with him.
Beau wakes up and is cheerful according to Charlie, I still doubt it as nothing makes him happy. He goes outside and Edythe is there. SHOCKING!!! She flourishes her dimples again which is getting on my nerves as much as the blushing descriptions. Beau asks Edythe about what she did last night and as a true Edwardian lady she tells him to shut the fuck up as it is still her turn for the interrogations.
Edythe is shocked that Beau has no romantic history as he is such a yummy little gummy bear and how could not have won the heart of some fair maiden. Blergh! This chapter is so boring! Nothing has changed as now it’s the same shit of Edythe and Archie leaving at lunch to slaughter some of the local fauna. Beau asks Edythe if she cannot leave her Volvo at his house just in case Charlie sees, we then have this:
“And then, if you don’t come home, it will be a complete mystery, won’t it?”
Murder is hilarious! Haha!! Think of the shenanigans that will ensue. I hate this book so much and that is the lightest of the total flippancy of murder that this books gets. It gets so much worse. Edythe is then pissy when he asks her what she is hunting and giggles when Beau calls it her unusual lifestyle which makes me think of something kinky.
Beau then whines that the Cullens don’t seem to like him but Edythe tells him that he is the most fascinating person she has ever known. She must have spent her vampire years in a hole then. Beau agrees with me and says he is the most boring person he knows. I know this is to make him sound humble and we as the audience are meant to shout that he is so not boring but I agree with him. He makes watching paint dry sound like a rave. Ergh, we now have some human bashing. Observe:
“”Having the advantages I do,” she murmured, touching one finger to her forehead, “I have a better – than – average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you … you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise.””
He takes you by surprise as he thinks with his boner rather than his brain because if he used his grey matter then he would have run a mile when she said how much she wants to kill him and how she stalks him. Also Edythe says that he isn’t like most humans as they are just dullards. I disagree as his thought process pretty much consists of:
I HATE THE WEATHER!
EDYTHE IS FIT!
I HATE RAIN!
EW! HUMANS ARE GROSS!
RAIN SUCKS!
I LOVE EDYTHE’S EYEBROW!
Yeah, he is facisnating.
Royal then decides to glare at Beau for some reason so Edythe hisses at her brother. Ooooo scary! They then discuss Beau’s possible murder as the reason why Royal is pissy with them. Not because murdering a young man is bad but because his family may get caught out. These people are horrible.
Edythe finally leaves even though I don’t see how the school would allow this if she was fine all day and looking perky. Also, she would never have perfect grades. This is still stupid.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 28
Beau meets Archie and it is boring in all honesty. Archie then frolics off which still sounds silly after Edythe speaks to him coldly. Why is she so horrible to her family? I’m meant to think the Cullens are a big and happy family but they all seem to hate each other and stick with each out of convenience rather than familial love. They love their romantic partners but treat each other with utter contempt and hostility. Yet, I am supposed to idealise these people but it just doesn’t make any sense. I would rather be in a happy human family then be part of the Cullens.
Edythe begs Beau to be safe and remarks that it is very difficult for him to safe in Forks. No it isn’t! He had a car accident, the most dangerous thing for him is a vampire who wants to eat him. Hmm…. I wonder who that could be, Edythe?
Beau then considers ditching school himself but realises that others would figure out he was with Edythe and if she out right murders him the next day then she may be inconvenienced. Wow, that’s ermmm…… romantic? Is that meant to be the right word as that just sounds like someone trying to hide domestic abuse.
We then have Beau contemplating his relationship with Edythe and declares that they have to face off his potential murder as they need to stop balancing. I hate random words dropping like a wet tissue in chapters to explain the chapter title, it just comes across as random and lazy. Beau decides that he doesn’t mind getting brutally murdered by Edythe as the prospect of her leaving is just too hard.
Beau chats with McKayla and she politely asks what his plans are for the weekend and Beau gets all pissy as she asks if he planning on ‘studying’ with Edythe. I don’t know why people care to be honest. She says he is welcome to join them at the dance as his exciting plans of laundry made her pity him. Beau still has to be a little bitch and snap at her. McKayla, who has more of a spine snaps back at him. I am meant to think she is being a bitch but I think it’s great someone stands up to his whiny and entitled behaviour.
WAHHHH!!! 68
Beau walks to the parking lot and lo and behold his car is there. Beau doesn’t contemplate that Edythe is a massive stalker who went through his stuff. He gets home and tells his Dad that he won’t be going to Seattle and will spend the day at home. Charlie for some strange reason says that Beau is easy to live with. I doubt that, it would be like living with severe damp and mould.
Beau then goes on and on about his own brutal murder and is wondering if there will be anything left of his corpse for his Dad to mourn over. He then wonders how devastating it would be for Charlie to lose his only son. This entirely new and I know why, it’s pure foreshadowing.
Just you wait.
He decides that he would prefer it if his murderers are never caught which would probably give Charlie some closure but he wouldn’t them to be inconvenienced in any way for his horrific murder. He even says that he wouldn’t want them to feel threatened. This is sick! How on earth can someone think like this? He doesn’t seem to give a shit about how his father would feel and is far more concerned about his murderers. That sounds so much like victim blaming and Beau sounds like a victim making excuses to make life for his abuser easier. This is just beyond sick and sends out the worst messages.
MEN GET ABUSED TOO!!!
Beau considers briefly that he might go to Seattle and that part of Edythe is hoping for that. Once again, this is just sick. That is basically Edythe saying while Beau lies on the floor dying:
“Well I did tell you that I may murder you and that it was up to you if you wanted to have a date. I did also flutter my dimples and other awkward flirtings while saying how much I care for you but I wanted you to change your mind so I wouldn’t murder you. Well, how could I help myself? This is clearly your fault and you wanted to be brutally murdered at seventeen.”
This is pure victim blaming and it is disgusting. He is choosing to trust her not to kill him but she thinks if she cryptically warns him enough then that takes away all her responsibility if she does kill him as she totally warned him.
Why do you make her hit you, Beau?
I hate this book so much. Beau is an idiot by making it easier for his killer to face no ramifications but also he is being manipulated by a pretty vampire. Beau even declares that there is no choice and has to be with Edythe no matter what. Once again, he sounds like a domestic abuse victim who has been so manipulated that they feel like they have no choice but to be with their abuser. This book has the worst messages and I will never understand how Meyer has never realised this.
I know why she doesn’t understand this. Meyer is trying to ramp up the drama of their date to the extreme, which is stupid as we have read Twilight so we know that she doesn’t murder him. Meyer is desperately trying to ramp up the drama to show how much Beau’s love has changed Edythe as she won’t eat him because of their special love. It is just another instance of that awful message that the love of a good woman/man can change the bad boy/girl which as we know barely works in real life as those people end up buried in the basement.
Beau then decides to wonder how it would feel being drained of blood till he dies. He speaks with such a flat tone that he doesn’t sound like he particularly cares that he may die a horrible death tomorrow. He is concerned that it would be unlike Hollywood depictions because of her brutal slaughterings of woodland creatures. He then thinks that it would probably be a gentle death as it is Edythe. This is just bizarre! He must have severe issues to be calmly thinking about the real possibility of a preventable death the next day.
Don’t make her angry, Beau. She isn’t responsible for what happens when she is angry.
I hate this fucking book.
Beau decides to be edgy by drinking cold medicine which is hardly irresponsible drug use as cold medication is hardly going to knock you out. He even says when he wakes up that he slept well due to his ‘drug abuse’. Drinking a bit of cold medication is hardly drug abuse and this just makes Meyer look naive and immature.
Edythe knocks and she laughs that they match. It is because they are so dull and only wear beige. They get in his car and Beau incorrectly states that his car could be Edythe’s car’s grandfather which is incorrect as cars like boats are referred to in feminine pronouns. Beau asks where they are going and Edythe explains that they are going to go hiking.
Edythe asks who knows that they are together and Beau explains that no one knows and she gets angry as that just makes things easier for her to murder him and therefore all his fault if he dies. She actually says this:
“Is it the weather? Seasonal affective disorder? Has Forks made you so depressed that you’re actually suicidal?”.
Why do you make her do it, Beau?
Suicide is not funny and why does Fork’s weather even come into this? Edythe is a pure abuser who is blaming Beau for whatever harm she may do to him. Look at those pictures I put up! It’s uncomfortable isn’t it? But so it should be as this happens to men all the time and Meyer would probably argue that it is not like that at all. Oh, Edythe wants Beau to tell people so is therefore not trying to isolate him. It’s not that at all, she knew he wouldn’t tell anyone and is using that as almost an excuse to hurt him. She is acting furious that he hasn’t told anyone which is a contradiction as she said it would cause problems for her if she did outright murder him. She is a manipulative and abusive bitch who is making it seem like she wants Beau to fail her double-meaning demands so she has an excuse to beat him!
They get out of the car and both decide that I haven’t suffered enough as we go from victim blaming and murder to Beau/Meyer wanking over Edythe/Meyer. Observe:
“I could see the delicate shapes of her shoulder blades almost like furled wings under her pale skin. Her arms were so thin…”
Ew! Beau sounds just as flowery as Bella and who on earth describes shoulder blades like that. That is bizarre and why is he fetishizing her extreme thinness? She sounds like a bag of bones and I am guessing that is what Meyer wishes she was as Edythe is her self-insert. It’s sad really and I may have had sympathy if it wasn’t for the fact that Edythe in her extreme thinness is described as perfect constantly which can be damaging to the young girls reading this. That isn’t the end of that though as we have more:
“I’d never seem so much of her skin. Her pale arms, her slim shoulders, the fragile-looking twigs of her collarbones, the vulnerable hollows above them, the swanlike column of her neck, the gentle swell of her breasts – don’t stare, don’t stare – and her ribs I could nearly count under the thin cotton. She was too perfect, I realised with a crushing wave of despair. There was no way this goddess could ever belong to me.”
WHY, GOD, WHY!?!
This has gone beyond being thin, this sounds like anorexia to me. Read that again and see what he says. He is fetishizing her fragile and prominent shoulder blades, they clearly stick out quite a bit to show off hollows and that he can count her ribs underneath her top which shows how much they must stick out. This is not healthy! She sounds painfully thin and malnourished but Beau loves it! He thinks that this is perfect. What the hell was Meyer thinking?! Anorexia is not sexy but a dangerous and life destroying mental illness that is very well known to affect teenage girls which is her core demographic. This is sick and is promoting a very damaging ideal as Edythe is constantly described as perfect so to impressionable young girls that sounds like anorexia = perfect appearance. Meyer has often said that she doesn’t think about what she is writing and it clearly shows here. Bella was never described like this who was Meyer’s last self-insert. This is so beyond vile, especially as I am someone who has battled eating disorders due to societal demands for being slim. This has made me so angry that young girls read this and that Meyer is once again adding extra vile messages into her series. Is this sexy to you, Meyer:
Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disease! People fucking die as they cannot break away from the control that Anorexia has on them. Honestly, fuck you! I can’t even make jokes. This is just appalling. This is nothing about shaming slim women, as these women are not slim. They are unhealthy and read what she wrote again. This is horrific.
This also fails due to history. Edythe as an Edwardian woman from a middle to high class family would very unlikely be this thin. Edwardian ideals were for women to be curvy with broader features such as hips. Larger body weight was seen as attractive due to the logic that they would shoot out babies easier and that meant that her family were affluent enough to have rich and decent food throughout the day.
Bigger sizes meant affluent families which was very attractive in those times. Thin frames became highly popular in the 1920s but Edythe was already a vampire then. Thin bodies in the Edwardian period screamed poor and working class because it was obvious that your family didn’t have enough money to feed your family. Things are flipped now as being thin shows you can afford healthy organic food with a personal trainer whereas bigger bodies now indicate that the person is poor and has to rely on cheap and unhealthy foods that are packed with calories to survive.
Edythe would look sick and poor to her peers and unlikely to have been seen as attractive in her social circles. People may say it is because she died of the Spanish Flu as that may have been why she is this thin but no, as that fails too, as Spanish Flu was relatively quick to succumb too so she would not have lost that much weight before her transformation unless she was already very slim to begin with. Also, this couldn’t be true as Meyer would not want her avatar to look sickly as she wants to be Edythe and she has to be perfect.
Also I seriously doubt that a seventeen-year-old boy would comment on the gentle swell of someone’s breasts as that doesn’t sound realistic or natural for his demographic.
WOMEN ARE NOT POSSESSIONS!!! No one belongs to anyone as that just sounds like property ownership and I am sick to death of this message that is constantly being broadcast in this series.
Wow, that was a massive rant over a small paragraph but thankfully the chapter is almost over. They start hiking and Beau mentions that he killed three goldfish in a row which Edythe finds exceptionally funny. I find it funny that many serial killers start off by killing animals so naturally she would find this funny as she is a raging psychopath.
They walk into the meadow and Beau decides to sound just like Bella and goes on about the pretty flowers which sounds odd for a teenage boy. Edythe takes a deep breath and then steps in the sunlight and thankfully we end there.
That chapter was awful! I wanted to start peeling off my skin. I am sorry for the heavy subjects but this has to be said to show just how terrible this is. Before we end though, let us say farewell to Jeremy, McKayla, Taylor, Erica, Allen and Logan as they are pretty much gone. They appear very briefly in the last chapter but they will no longer have any speaking lines. They were pointless characters anyway but now we enter pure vampire company rather than humans. Can’t wait for the constant humanity bashing which will be coming.
The chapter today is called “Nightmare”, this whole book is a nightmare.
Last time we met Lady Jacob and was shocked to see some actual chemistry between two human beings. As we all know though is that it will come to nothing. Who needs realism when we can stare at sparkly vampires? Speaking of vampires, Beau our intelligent, young sleuth has Edythe’s secret told to him so he doesn’t have to faff around with time consuming investigation skills.
Beau gets home and runs up-stairs while mentally deriding his father’s joy over basketball as only pointless dweebs like that, am I right? *Rolls Eyes*
We now have Beau getting out his CD player, which is still ridiculously outdated. You could get a non-brand MP3 players pretty cheaply back in 2006-2007 so I still feel like I am stuck in the 90s. She should have realised this by now.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 20
It is also still written that the CD he is listening to is one of Phil’s favourite bands. Why can he not have a favourite band to just give us some hint of a personality? He had his Monty Python shirt, can’t we have a band too? He is just so mind numbingly dull that it hurts me. He then sticks a pillow on his face. Hmm…. I think I can help there, maybe shuv a heavy crate on that pillow. Just to make it that little bit extra snug.
Beau feels the need to describe, while not describing the music for two whole paragraphs. I really don’t care as it is just bland. He could be listening to anything from Reggae to Death Metal for all we know!
Next we have the stupid dream of Jules telling Beau to run, then McKayla tells him to run too. Meh, I would just leave him to fend for himself. Jules then turns into a wolf and Edythe is being all seductive in her black dress while showing her breasts. She is sparkling too. Jules goes for Edythe (I love Jules right now) but Beau whines as his lady love may get hurt. He wakes up and drops his CD player. I managed to sum up pure copy and pasted crap in less than a paragraph when this spanned a whole page.
The thing that did jump out at me though as how it is all sexy that Edythe has a revealing dress and red lipstick on but I wonder what lovely descriptions human women like McKayla would get for that. I know it’s a dream and Edythe only wears beige as she is dull but I do think there are some double standards in Beau’s sad little brain.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 42
PREACH!
Beau then decides to bore us with a long laundry list of actions of him undressing and then showering. This is thrilling. Beau decided to go on his computer but naturally has to whine about it. The dial up is so slow and ancient. It’s so slow that he has time to get some breakfast. I repeat. It is 2006-2007 and it would be very unlikely to have crappy dial up, broadband is not some new-fangled invention but common and cheap. Why is this so difficult to understand?!
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 21
WAHHHH!!! 58
He then types ‘Vampire’ into Google, well actually judging by how difficult he seems to find searching for a generic vampire site, I suspect he is using Bing. I hate Bing. I managed to find vampire folklore and myths pretty easily so up yours, Beau. He finally goes on to ‘Vampires A-Z’ and calls it academic looking. I looked it up and I can assure you, Beau that it is not academic.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 22
We get the same stupid quotes and Beau reading out the same three myths while rushing through some others. I feel like Meyer is trying to say to me about how much research she has done. Ermm…. No. Still not buying it. I love how the succubus and incubi aren’t mentioned by name, it doesn’t matter so much for Beau as he can’t get pregnant (just horribly murdered) but it still annoys me that Bella and Edward were so stupid that they didn’t think to wrap up his sparkly wang just in-case. Ergh, that is just a small vent.
We then get the nonsense of the good vampire which Meyer made up. Probably because vampires are undead abominations. Also he mentioned about coffins and only coming out during the day. That is a modern interpretation and mostly due to Hollywood, the same as the whole werewolf rivalry. Vampire myths span thousands of years throughout most cultures so Beau’s research sounds pretty half arsed to me. I have no issue with twisting mythology to create a fresh idea but at least research and try to explain why those things are wrong apart from the Volturi said so.
YOU HAD TEN YEARS!!! 23
Meyer had ten years to improve this but didn’t bother, especially when she said some of the issues fixed were mythology issues. This scene is pretty much copy and pasted with hardly any changes. Why change pointless crap but not this? Show some more myths and explanations to show you have a decent understanding of vampires as right now Beau looks like an idiot for believing this random girl straight off.
Beau decides he needs to get out of the house and walks into the forest which makes him stupid as he said there are no paths and has said how clumsy he is. Yeah, walk through an unfamiliar forest by yourself. That is sensible.
Beau decides that this book needs more padding so starts going on about trees and shows how much he hates nature and that nothing gives him joy:
“There were lots I didn’t know, and others I couldn’t be sure about, because they were so covered in green parasites.”
You’re a parasite as I can feel you sucking the life out of me with your constant whining.
WAHHHH!!! 59
Beau then decides to sit and whine on a fallen tree as what else has he got to do? He thinks about what Jules said and if she could be telling the truth. At first he thinks no, as her culture and heritage are silly stories. No one likes racists, Beau. He then goes through everything he has observed about Edythe. It’s the same old crap but one no longer fits. Any guesses?
“And the way she sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadances and phrases that better fit the style of the historical romances my mom loved than that of a twenty-first-century class-room.”
No, she really doesn’t. She comes across as a forward, pompous arsehole just like Edward but as I have explained many times she would not sound like that being an Edwardian, middle class woman. It is really getting on my nerves as historical research is important when writing historical characters, you can’t just swap the pronouns as it just sounds off.
Beau then blathers on about what he should do. RUN!! It’s not difficult. Sadly, that makes his heart hurt and he can’t have that. He then bangs on about how she is a good vampire; how do you know!? You barely know her! Well, Beau ignores me as he wants Edythe, NOW!!
He finally goes home and then just goes on about how he wants to be near as she is just too awesome and feels no fear. That is how morons die when they decide that tiger looks like he just needs a hug.
Beau is all delighted, well as delighted as Beau could be because there is sun outside. Is he a reptile? Beau then has to comment how his father suddenly reminded him of the happy man who married his Mum but that is gone now and he is stuck in a circle of misery. No offense but how on earth would Beau know this? He doesn’t spend any time with his father, never asks to go fishing with him or do anything together. He only saw him two weeks per year so Charlie is a relative stranger. I think Beau is just talking crap.
Beau gets to school and everyone is wearing shorts and t-shirts which Beau mocks them for as this would be cold in Phoenix. Tolerance to heat is subjective! I’m sure if I lived in the desert then I would find it not hot enough in this heat in Forks but when you live in colder regions you do notice the hike in temperature. I used to live in a warmer region and now I live in Scotland, so I notice a huge difference but come on! Don’t be a little bitch. However, it is obvious for Beau that he thinks this is Crab People syndrome.
“McKayla was toward me in a skirt that only reached the middle of her thighs and a tank top.”
It’s the use of the word only that gets me. It almost seems like he is mentally shaming her for dressing proactively. To be fair, this is Beau so he probably is.
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH! 43
“” What did you do yesterday?” There was an annoying sense of ownership in her question, and it reminded me of what Jules said on Saturday. People thought I was her boyfriend because that was what McKayla wanted them to think.”
*Deep Breath*
TELL HER YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN HER IN THE SLIGHTEST!!! STOP FOOF-BAITING AND JUST TELL HER!!!! ARE YOU SO SPINELESS!!! GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
*THROWS CHAIR*
*THROWS WARDROBE*
*THROWS CAR*
Also, maybe she isn’t being clingy and is actually trying to have an actual conversation with you. You are such a raging arsehole, Beau.
McKayla then asks Beau if he would like to go out for dinner. For fucks sake!!!
MCKAYLA YOU ARE GOING TO THE DANCE WITH JEREMY WHO YOU KNOW IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU!!!! IF YOU DON’T LIKE JEREMY THEN TELL HIM AND GO TO THE DANCE ALONE!!!! STOP COCK-TEASING!!!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!
I swear to God; these people are arseholes.
We then get more ‘Man-Codes’ as Beau still will not tell her that he is not interested and makes it sound like he so would go out with her but that would hurt Jeremy as Jeremy is like totally crazy about her.
For the love of God, just tell her you are not interested. This is not difficult!! I feel a rage hernia developing.
Next up is the men folk wanting to go to Port Angeles to buy corsages for their lady friends. Maybe it is just me and my Britishness but they seem very much something reserved for weddings and prom in America. Even Google seems to suggest just prom and maybe homecoming, not just a regular dance. Seems outdated to me. Beau doesn’t want to go as Logan will be there and he is mean.
WAHHHH!!! 60
Beau feels the need to justify his stalking by saying he wants to stare at the Cullens to analyse them like pandas in a zoo.
Beau is all sad because Edythe isn’t there and he just feels his good mood slipping away. Get a life!! Please!! We fast forward the rest of the day in three sentences because Edythe isn’t there. I would love some characterisation rather than fawning over Edythe’s perfection but I am also grateful as I don’t need pages and pages of Beau’s whining about the lack of Edythe.
I just can’t win!
Beau gets home and realises he has been ignoring his mother. I thought she was your best friend? Beau types out the most soulless and short email to his ‘best friend’. Beau decides to go and read outside and because Meyer most likely has no idea about other Classical books geared towards men which means Beau grabs Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. There are so many books she could use to mix things up a bit to show actual personality. She could have used Treasure Island as Robert Louis Stevenson explicitly stated that this book was for boys only so that fits her rigid gender ideals perfectly. Maybe another less well-known Jules Verne book or HG Wells? Maybe Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein? That is more of a man’s book or is it because it is written by a woman that it doesn’t appeal to you? Nope, we only get this book as Meyer is lazy.
I also don’t think she knows what Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea is even about as Beau just mentions that he waiting for a whale to amuse him. I have read this book and it is my least favourite Verne book as it just seems to be a running commentary of the type of fish in the sea. I appreciate it for its historical influence as this was the original Science Fiction, not aliens or what we know but originally it was just fiction with science in it. Maybe I am being harsh but because in New Moon Bella and therefore Meyer seems to completely miss the symbolism and messages in Romeo and Juliet make me very sceptical that she has even read this book.
I am not amused.
WAHHHH!!! 61
I swear to God; this chapter is just whining! He is whining again because of Edythe and just obsessing over her existence but not about being a vampire which would at least make sense. Beau watches a sitcom with his Dad and enrages me again:
“And it felt good, despite my idiotic depression, to make him happy.”
Yes, I know that Beau finds no joy in anything but I think that is more about him being so mind numbingly dull rather depression. He is just using this word to show that he is sad and it is the OCD thing all over again. Stop trivialising depression as so many people do it which means that people who have it are not taken seriously. Depression can mean that you don’t function, get out of bed, or struggle to do anything. It does not mean sad!!! No, you are not depressed because it is Monday. You are just sad because the weekend is over and you have to work. Depression cripples you. I am so sick of people trivialising mental illness. Mental illness is not a laughing matter or to be put down upon.
Beau decides to tell his Dad that he is off to Port Angeles tomorrow and would he like it if he prepared his Dad dinner before he goes.
“”Beau, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here” he reminded me.
“I don’t know how you survived,” I muttered.”
You are such a raging prick and I really do despise you. Why do you insist on making people feel beneath you? Beau is nothing special and a frankly awful human being. I went into the cooking before but seriously!!! We then skip the entire next day as Edythe isn’t there. The chapter ends with Jeremy and Beau going to pick Allen up.
That was horrendous!!! Considering barely anything happens it was still awful and infuriating. I actually hate this book more than Twilight. The next chapter is ‘Port Angeles’ and there are so many words for THAT chapter. Until next time!!!
After my last piece, I decided to do some investigating to find out reasons why women love Christian Grey, the love interest in the – sadly – widely successful series Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James. I trawled through the forums praising this dishrag of a series hoping to find some insight from fans. It was rather odd considering Edward Cullen has countless threads on Twilight forums yet Christian Grey only had one and only a few replies. These pretty much consisted of ZOMG GREY IZ TEH HAWTTEST!!11!!!1 Not overly helpful to be honest. I’ve read countless fans excuse Edward Cullen’s psychosis and stalking with what they believe i.e. that he is just protective. None of that about Grey. So that has left me to conclude that he is only seen as the greatest catch ever due to the fact that he is devastatingly handsome (every woman gapes like a dead fish when he walks by), and that he is stupidly rich (cannon never made much sense with that).All I can say to that is to picture the actor who plays him and imagine all the qualities and personality of Christian. Now instead of the actor, picture him as a grossly overweight, balding, short, fifty-something-year-old man with a sweating problem. Remember, he still has his money and personality! Is he still the greatest man ever? Hmm … Didn’t think so. Unfortunately, the allure of Mr Grey appears to be utterly shallow.
So where does that leave the blog post? Well I’m not giving up without a fight so I read a few articles that praise him and decided to rip their reasons to shreds. I have cannon in one hand and a glass of lovely Shiraz wine in the other. LETS DO THIS!!
1. Sometimes women like men to take control.
I saw this reason time and time again on many different articles. Don’t get me wrong, it can be nice for your partner to say “Hey, I’ve booked us a table at … Let’s go.” Life is stressful and sometimes it’s nice for someone to take control once in awhile. That’s what people applaud Christian Grey for. Um … no. I must ask this to the people who say this. DID YOU EVEN READ THE FUCKING BOOK!?!?! He takes control to the extreme. His issues with food really piss me off, especially as a recovering bulimic. I loathe that he orders for her in restaurants yet continually tells her what to eat and drink with the guise of health. It is none of his bloody business what she eats, considering she is a waif in the books and constantly doesn’t eat. Would you really be impressed with going to a nice restaurant, looking at all the amazing choices but nope your man decided for you. No steak for you! Have a salad instead. Yes, I know she thinks all the food he gives her is amazing but that is not the point. She is a brainwashed bint who thinks his farts smell of roses. I brought up the bulimia as personally I worry over food all the bloody time and if I had someone that controlling doing that to me, then I would panic and maybe end up relapsing. People are very funny with food. I don’t care that he was hungry for a grand total of four years before being adopted by lavishly loving and rich Greys; getting pissy because someone doesn’t want to finish their dinner can trigger things. Ergh, he is such a knobguzzler.
It’s not just the food. He controls everything in her life! Who she can and can’t see, where she can go and he must know at all times- also don’t forget he controls what she wears in later books. Its stalkerish and abusive. Girls, would you really like it if you were told you can’t see your friends anymore because your partner disapproves for some vague reason, or that if you do go out with them then it has to be his way or he will beat you. Oh sorry, I mean punishment *rolls eye*. He will beat Ana for just rolling her eyes at him which is something he disapproves of. Does that sound healthy? Romantic? Nope, didn’t think so. He treats her like a bad dog owner. “Oh, you have done something I don’t like. Well hang on a mo while I get my belt.” Taking control by booking a dinner is one thing. Not this. This is blatant abuse, don’t swoon! Call the police!
2. Possessive traits show that he loves you!
I know this is similar to the last point but it’s important. This is one of the most stupid and disturbing reasons to love this man. In Fifty Shades Freed Christian punches a guy in the face for dancing with Ana. He had already apologised to Ana after she slapped and screamed that she was somebody else’s property, oh sorry, I mean married. “He apologised, end of!” Nope, not good enough for Grey, he has to punch him to demonstrate that that is his property. Who doesn’t love being treated like an object *groans and drinks wine*. I have seen articles saying how nice it would be to have a man that loves you so much that he can’t bear to have another touch or look at you that he resorts to violence. What planet do you people live on? You could never enjoy yourself in a nice bar because God forbid a man looks at you and your boyfriend acts like Neanderthal. How about a friend you’ve known for years who happens to be a guy and straight, that surely means that’s out of the window as your love is a jealous thug. This behaviour does not show love, it shows an insecure jerk who does not trust you to not fling yourself and getting down and dirty on the dance floor because a stranger looked at you in a flatteringly way. It’s a very fine line until he starts checking your phone constantly and demanding you don’t go anywhere without him. This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. One of the worst quotes I have ever seen and still creeps me out to know end. If I have to suffer then so, do you so here it is:
“I want you sore, baby … Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”
Blergh! I need more wine, wire wool and bleach. She had just lost her virginity and he wants her to be reminded of his ownership of her lady bits by making her sore. Romance for the ages people! While he is slamming into her (no seriously, nothing is ever gentle) he says so many times that she is his. I hate this man so much. This is not a Georgian romance where love interests would duel for the lady’s hand, this is the 21 st century and frankly women deserve better than a jealous, possessive and sexist thug. He may be pretty and rich but he is a thug.
3. I can fix him Mama!
This is about the same old crappy trope of the ordinary girl fixing the broken bad boy and they live happily ever after until he murders her and buries her in the cellar. This is frankly a dangerous message to send out to people. Also if anyone says it’s just fiction then I will start flinging a cactus. Christian Grey is a psychotic ar**hole who blames everyone (especially his mother: see my review of Grey for further details) for why he is such a prick. He is a total abusive narcissist who constantly brings up his past for why he is the why he is. For those who don’t know, Grey was born in Detroit to a young crack addicted woman who resorted to prostitution. He talks about being hungry and beaten by her pimp until at the age of four- his mother died from an overdose. He lays with her for four days, all nicely sanitised as he just describes her as cold and trust me, having worked in a funeral directors you are not just cold after four days of post mortem. He is then adopted by the stupidly rich, indulgent and loving Greys fairly quickly. He blames his mother for why he purposely picks young, thin, brown haired girls to beat and screw as they resemble her appearance. Creepy! I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve sympathy for his past but I will damn him for using his past traumas to abuse young women. He constantly uses it as an excuse for his appalling behaviour, which is a total slap in the face to those who have suffered horrendous abusive pasts and are good human beings who don’t abuse others. Yes, I know many serial killers come from abusive families, but we don’t slap a love interest sticker on them and call them the greatest man ever. Grey may see a therapist, however he seems pretty useless and breaks confidentiality. People may say that Ana changed him but not really. He may not smack her with a belt because she rolled her eyes; he is still just as controlling. She changed nothing about him except that she “cured” him of BDSM, which is frankly disgusting considering the BDSM scene is not an excuse for abuse but an alternative and happy lifestyle for many. Someone as vile as Christian cannot be changed as he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his personality. He may refer to himself as “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up” but that is just wanting to shag girls who look like his birth mother. He is still a monster and will stay a monster. Ana did not change him and never will. This rarely works out in real life and sadly they usually end in tragic ways.
4. It’s just fiction! We all need escapism.
No. I am sick to death of hearing that excuse. Films, TV and books all have meanings and messages. Jane Eyre taught us to be strong women who stick to what we believe in no matter the temptation, Harry Potter taught us that love is the most powerful magic and Jurassic Park taught us that life finds a way. Books provide messages that influence people and their lives. There is no denying that! Also before anyone thinks “Well I don’t see you writing anything that’s a bestseller.” Well I’m not a creative writer! I am an analytical writer so that argument fails. These books are nothing but poison. The messages are disgusting: how dare I ignore the fact that it’s Ana that changes for Christian *cough* anal sex *cough* He stalks her, mentally, physically and sexually abuses her- is so possessive that I think he is one step away from dragging her back to the flat by her hair, and controls every aspect of her life. He is so insecure that he buys the publishing house she works in so he can keep an eye, and she mysteriously becomes one of the bosses despite being as useful as a condom to the Pope. This book tells women they are property and stalking means love. It is a total slap in the face to the BDSM community who suffer so much prejudice because of what they consensually enjoy and now have that prick as a mainstream poster boy. It’s disgusting and I loathe it. So no, it is not just fiction. Words have influence, and please future authors use them to empower women, men who are not glorified for being thugs and show true and equal love. Love that shows both partners having mutual respect and trust for one and another.
I could have said so much more but my ranting over each point has taken up my word count so I will have to end here. Sadly there is so much more, like how women love men with power and money *vomits*. I hope you all enjoy reading while I enjoy my wine. Happy blogging, people!
Literature Masochist 