Mary Alice Brandon Cullen: Tragically Twee in Every Way

This is going to be tragic and twee at the same time, isn’t it?

Emmett Cullen

Table of Contents

Jasper Hale

Righto, after the blatant blasphemy and idolatry from Emmett, let’s move on to the melodramatic and oh so twaggic background of our twee Alice. I’m not going to lie, I hate Alice. Her powers make no sense, she is domineering and a bully but also nouveau riche trash. Her flagrant waste and utter lack of taste makes my skin crawl. Anyway, lets crack on and present Alice:

Wow, she looks very haughty and arrogant. I wonder if she has just got back from playing Barbie with Bella here or is just lording her haute couture on the peasants of Forks. So, she was changed in 1920 at the age of 19 (nice and young) by an unnamed vampire who haunted the local mental health hospital in Mississippi. Once again, Meyer likes to remind me that yes, her eye colour as a human was dark brown but are now gold. God, I know! We have her description of how tiny, lithe and delicate she is and that her hair is short from the mental health institution that she was sectioned in. I honestly do wonder why; I am going to assume to prevent lice but I’m wondering if Meyer means electric shock therapy. We shall hold our water dear readers on ECT for later.

Now we are onto special abilities. Meyer explains that her visions are entirely decision based and won’t see anything until that decision is firmly rooted into the mind of the individual to see the outcome. She also mentions that she can only see humans and vampires as they are the only species she has been. Hmm…. I have a few questions:

1. How the fuck does Alice predict the weather? The weather is not a sentient being that decides it’s going to rain. It’s the damn weather.
2. How does Alice predict the stock markets? It’s not one person behind a switchboard that decides that shares in Pokemon roller-skates are going to sky rocket in five years.
3. How does Alice see Bella being either vamped or dead in the beginning of ‘Midnight Sun’? Edward was absolutely resolute that he would try to leave her be and ignore her when those visions surfaced.
4. How does it work then that Alice saw Charlie visiting in ‘Breaking Dawn’ as Jacob (werewolf/shape-shifter) was involved in that decision?
5. How did Alice not see Jane going rogue in Bree Tanner and making the active decision to visit Victoria and tell her to be more careful but to keep going with her plans?
6. How did Alice think it would work to try and see visions by asking Jacob to sit in a corner and for Renesmee to be held by Bella? If they are there then they should switch off.
7. How did Alice see the fucking Volturi vision in the first place in ‘Breaking Dawn’ as it heavily involved Renoodle and Jacob?
8. Surely Alice should see half-vampire spawn as they are a mix of vampire and human?
9. SERIOUSLY HOW DID SHE SEE THE VOLTURI COMING TO ATTACK THEM! JACOB AND RENAULT CLIO WERE THERE?!

I am sure there is plenty that I have missed but my God! This still has more holes than Swiss cheese. It is so obvious that Alice is there to give her precious Cullens the edge. The next section slaps me again, by stating that her degrees are in fashion and international business (business, yeah right) and how she can predict windfalls in the stock market. How? She would have to be watching thousands of people at a time to be able to predict that if it’s all decision based yet Alice complained to Edward in ‘Eclipse’ that as she was watching Bella, Charlie, the Volturi and Victoria that something may have slipped past as it was too much. THOUSANDS of people effect the stock market. Honestly, does she really think that it’s just one guy sitting there deciding what’s going to be hot this season? This is so stupid, but not just that. It’s theft. Insider trading is a serious and federal crime. So anytime Meyer likes to show us how old money and refined the Cullen’s are, just remember it’s stolen money. They are essentially Jordan Belfort from the ‘Wolf of Wall Street’.

Oh, I want to die, her hobbies are playing the stock market (I have discussed this enough) and designing as well buying clothes. We have never seen her design shit in this entire series so I don’t buy it and when it comes to buying clothes we never see if she has favourite era, designer or anything. All she cares about is money. All we ever hear is how expensive it is, that’s it! The Cullens all seem to wear is beige and more beige or those god awful outfits they wore to prom, fashionista she is not. Those who are unaware of the prom outfits, hold on to your hats as these are from Meyer herself:

BLERGH! I’m sorry but imagine this on someone who looks 14, is 4”10 and is corpse white at a high school prom in a poor logging town. No, I’m sorry but that is just tacky and aren’t schools in America notoriously sexist when it comes to women’s clothes? No way would she be allowed to wear that; she could slip a nip at any moment!

Again, fashionista my arse!

We get to hear about her porcshe and breakdown of what every Cullen means to her. I don’t care.  Now onto her personal history. Now what I find funny is that Emmett’s family background was pretty basic except that he enjoyed shagging, fighting and had a large family. Here we get a load of nonsense of Alice’s father being a pearl dealer, seems a bit niche to me but is that meant to allude to her love of fashion?

I don’t know, nor care but Meyer feels the need to tell me all about his business. Hey, Meyer! How many siblings does Emmett have? Nope, nothing but we can all hear about pearl diving. Yay? So anyway, Alice has a sister who is 9 years younger than her and they are close but wait a minute……

No…………..

You aren’t………………

You are, aren’t you?

Alice had visions as a fucking human! What is this? Why? I thought vampires were science based? Meyer is honestly telling me that Alice was the real deal as a human? I would not have an issue with this if her vampires were magic based as that would be fine but they are meant to be science based. This is such bullshit. Anyway, she would have a feeling that something would happen but then describes her fully predicting someone coming over or knowing if it would rain. I don’t even know! This guide is tearing itself up and it’s only a few pages of a character profile.

We do have a strange interlude of Meyer saying she always knew Edward would have a sister named Alice and that she wishes she was real as she seems like a great friend. Alice is a bully and a racist for no reason as she had never met the wolves but instantly started calling them dogs and mongrels. Keep her for yourself.

Right, I’m getting confused. We now have Alice being shy about her premonitions as she would often get them wrong but felt most confident about the weather as that wasn’t a person making decisions. *Sobbing* You said that her visions were entirely decision based! It’s there, you just said it!

We then get some weird sadness that oh poor Alice wasn’t invited to birthday parties as she is clearly a witch or something. This should have been set hundreds of years before, people don’t think fucking witch in 1915. Especially as we are getting stupid shit of Alice warning a friend (I thought she had none) not to marry a man due to family history of the crazies so she decided that Alice put a curse on her. Again, this is 1915-20, not the 1700-1800s. We aren’t even in an area of the country with a strong voodoo heritage. This is just nonsense! Set it during the Salem Witch trials or have her be from Louisiana. It’s called research, do it otherwise you look stupid.

We then get how her cousin went to seek his fortune west in 1915 and died on the road but Alice warned his family so they think she jinxed him. The main gold rush to California ended in 1855, to reference Red Dead Redemption 2 again but those wild days were pretty much over by 1899. Civilisation was pretty much spread across the U.S. by 1915, this is the point of the game to show that those times were pretty much over and that the outlaw was a dying breed as bureaucracy was pretty much taking over. Does Meyer even understand her own countries history?

Arthur thinks you are a dumbarse. So apparently her family now think she is a witch and a changeling which again aren’t very common concepts in 1915. If she honestly wanted this environment then she should have changed the time period as it just doesn’t make sense here. You can’t twist history for your own needs.

Anyway, Alice has visions of her mother being murdered in the woods by a stranger. Question! I thought Alice didn’t have full fledged visions as a human? That seems pretty specific to me rather than a feeling that was just established. Ergh, whatever, her father comes home to find some terrified women and verbally bitch slaps Alice for being a Nervous Nelly. Alice’s mother slowly forgets about this mysterious stranger and stops packing heat when she leaves the house. Oh, I sense a tragic event is about to occur.

Alice then sees a man in a Model T (I love that Meyer felt the need to mention the car make for this murderous stalker, it’s like she can’t help herself) ram her mother of the road. Seriously, stop failing your guide. You said that she didn’t have visions but now she is having full fledged visions including the exact make of car? Anyway, Alice runs and finds her mother dead and her accident is declared accidental. Isn’t that convenient?

Also after the whole Persephone/Hades nonsense in ‘Midnight Sun’ I am really getting strong Cassandra vibes. Cassandra is the Trojan princess that was cursed by Apollo to see the accurate future but was doomed to never believed. She foresaw the fall of Troy but everyone just scoffed at her until they saw the city destroyed.

Well, it’s clearly the Dad who did it as he married a blonde (Meyer yet again forgot to add in the ‘e’ as conjugating verbs is for losers) yankee within six months and they are evil because ….. well….. blonde. This anti blonde attitude is just getting beyond ridiculous and well… bitter. It was bad in the books but this is just, I don’t know what this is. It’s just hair, Meyer. Seriously, its just hair. It doesn’t define a person. Also, another point and this is the right time to do it. Notice a theme here with all the Cullen women?

They are all abused by a man and have tragic backgrounds.

Esme: Abused by her husband, was beaten and almost completed suicide after her child died.

Rosalie: Gang-raped to death by her fiancé and friends.

Alice: Beloved mother murdered by her cold father who commits her to an institution.

Also, the men, even Edward included have very basic profiles (especially Emmett) where there is very little detail but the women have these long, abusive and tragic backgrounds.

Why do the women need these tragic backgrounds for their second life? I have a theory. Now go with me here as I’m going to delve into some deep cannon, mainly ‘Breaking Dawn’. In the fourth book we see how important it is for a woman to fire a child out of her crotch, they are the true mothers as they birthed them. Well, how many times have we seen Bella lauded that she was able to procreate, especially compared with the other women featured. The human teenagers don’t count as they disappear in chapter 3-4 of the last book, so our main women to focus on are the supernatural ones and none of them can have babies! We have no idea about Leah as Meyer never tells us if she can but this is a huge source of conflict for her. Essentially all the women in this are spayed, no babies for them. So, did Meyer have them have such tragic backgrounds to essentially make up for them not being able to experience the supposed greatest gift that womanhood can give? In a sense that it was better for them as otherwise they were stuck being abused, gang-raped or forced in an asylum so no babies for them anyway if they stayed as human? They ascended to the better existence but it was a must due to their backgrounds? It’s really weird as it feels like the women were turned to save them from their awful lives even if there was this misogynistic sacrifice of not having babies but the men don’t need that reasoning as they can make Reneezits all day long if they wished so they can have much easier backgrounds. Honestly, all this is pure speculation but it really feels odd and I do suspect it’s this strange thing of well Carlisle only turns people who would die anyway, so is vampirism a way of only saving those women who couldn’t have birthed anyway? Rosalie would’ve died due to her injuries, Esme tried to complete suicide and Alice was committed to an institution would’ve probably died. Like I said, I don’t know but it seems strange to me.

So anyway, Alice gets “feelings” that her Dad was shagging this woman way before her Mum died. So, what, does our “bright” heroine do? She goes to her Dad and say she thinks that maybe her mother’s death was probably not an accident.

Why are you so stupid? Of course, your Dad had something to do with the murder. Moron! Anyway, she has visions of her Dad hiring the same man to kill her so she escapes but her aunt tells her to shuv it off her porch. It’s so very tragic and sad. Alice manages to run/walk ten miles to the marshal’s office to report him but oh noes! Everyone is there to have her committed. I will say that Alice is an idiot as we have seen the tragic backstory of everyone in town thinking she was a witch so wasn’t invited to birthday parties, so why on earth trust these people?

Alice: Sir, I had visions of a man killing me!

Marshal: *Yawn* Ya’ll a changeling!

Mob: Kill the beast!!

Alice: But I saw it! Please believe me!

Marshal: *Yawn* Whatever, your Dad says you are a witch and weirdly enough we believe this shit but as burning witches is against state legislation we decided the asylum works well enough. *Sleeps*

Honestly, I get these vibes:

So, she has her head shaved for typhoid, whatever. However, part of me understands but hates that they bring up ECT or Electroconvulsive therapy. Granted, back in the day it was horrific but now it is a legitimate treatment that really does help people. I’m not going to sit and say how terrible ‘Twilight’ is for using ECT in this way as many stories set in this time period do. I just want to use this moment to say that ECT can be so helpful and as much as I understand the use in this context being negative but it does make the overall modern perception very negative and puts people off from the treatment when it can have huge benefits. No piece of wood to stop the screaming nowadays, it’s all general anaesthetic. Honestly, research it. It’s a legitimate treatment in mental health and sadly these stereotypes do hamper their use as so few are open to use it.

We then get a vampire who would murder poor mental health patients as they wouldn’t be missed but he liked Alice so would protect her. Ergh, I hate that. I work in mental health and it just makes me so sad and angry as these are such vulnerable people but we are meant to like this vampire as he helped Alice. Fuck him, these are people that could easily be autistic, depressed or learning disabilities but they are used as food. There is no emotion here, just yeah, he ate vulnerable and mentally ill people for food, whatevs. This is horrible! I wouldn’t mind if we were being shown a truly monstrous character who preyed on the most vulnerable of society and shown to detest him for it but oh, he liked Alice so it’s fine.

Alice then sees visions of James hunting for some reason and seeing no possible outcome the old vampire transforms Alice as she is just oh so special. Bite me! Actually, no, don’t! Fuck you! Oh, but he is so brave as he knew James would kill him but sacrificed himself for Alice. Isn’t he so noble? No!! Fuck you!! He preyed on innocent and mentally ill people just because they were easy. That’s horrible and I do not think what a lovely vampire he is because oh he saved that one as she was special.

We move on to her seeing Jasper and the sanitised mention of blatant murder as she practised the animal diet with “sporadic success”. Fucking great, another sanitised and swept under the rug murderer. Gee, I’m so happy! Alice met Jasper and because they were both special Sues they knew it was love so yeah……

I love though that we are told that Jasper only eats animals to appease Alice, this will be hilarious when we get to his profile. I swear Jasper only does it so Alice puts out.

Anyway, that’s the end of Alice! God, that was a depressing slog but we did it! We are slowly getting through this. Next up is Jasper and yeah……….

Emmett Cullen

Table of Contents

Jasper Hale

Bear Wrestling Dude Bro: Emmett McCarty Cullen

I just wanted an easy one! *cries*

Rosalie Hale

Table of Contents

Alice Cullen

Apologies guys for the huge delay, university has been absolutely brutal and I’ve barely been able to think. Yet today I was sitting there thinking I could start a job application for positions I don’t even want or I could finally get back into a hobby that I love. Guess what won out? I will be getting back into ‘Midnight Sun’ but I thought let’s ease back in gently and look at the guide. Lucky for me, I left off at the best of the Cullens! The Fates are kind to me so let’s look at the awesome that is Emmett!

Now, don’t get me wrong Emmett looks haughty like his siblings but less so. Could it be bias as I love pre-Breaking Dawn Emmett? Probably, but I really don’t care. So, we have his date of birth as 1915 and changed in 1935 at the age of twenty. Offt, be careful there Emmett. You were almost too old; Carlisle likes them young and lithe. Lucky for him Rosalie, wanted him but oh that creepy child imagery will still rear its ugly head in a bit.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THESE LITHE, YOUNG MEN APPEAR!! Nope, no idea. Moving on!

We have that his hair is almost black and his eyes were blue as human and gold as a vampire. We honestly know, Bella goes on about their beautiful butterscotch eyes constantly. What pisses me off though is then Meyer describes to me in the next line about how his hair is almost black. I KNOW!! Jesus, this level of repetition is just tacky. However, I need to quote the next bit:

“He has dimples when he smiles, and his face has an innocent quality not often seen in a grown man.”

*Stands up*

*Walks to mirror*

*Contemplates the decision to come back to blogging*

*INTERNALLY SCREAMING*

WHY?! WHY IS THIS HERE!?! Why did I come back, honestly? That child imagery is just gross. Especially as Rosalie saw him and had to save him to be her love interest due to the dimples reminding her of her friend’s baby. Oh, this is gross, so gross. The man is twenty in the Great Depression in Tennessee, I am sure Emmett had to grow up pretty fast but no he has child qualities. Is everyone in this wreck a paedophile?!?!

Right, moving on as my God! I love this section; Meyer says that Emmett never finished a degree as he would move from subject to subject depending on what interested him. That’s honestly refreshing, while the others either study something deemed as noble (medicine) or suitable to their gender (fashion) there is Emmett just saying “fuck it” as he has eternity to play with. That’s awesome! Imagine you could just pick and choose modules that you loved and not bother with the ones that suck as hey, who cares? I would be burying myself in the joys of the Greeks and war propaganda. No worries of taking something for future jobs as you are an immortal abomination, just studying for the joy of studying! No complaints here, I think Emmett is awesome. However, I think we are meant to look down on him as everyone else completed their multiple degrees but screw that. Go Emmett!

We then hear about his jeep and how everyone in the Cullen Coven is pseudo related to him such as Bella being his sister-in-law. I don’t really care to be honest as I would rather see his human family here as we know about the Cullens. I wouldn’t be reading this if I didn’t know this crap. Now we go to story time. Strap in!

So, we hear that Emmett comes from a large Scotch-Irish family and that he was a wild teenager, such as drinking, fighting, womanising and gambling. This does contradict the earlier statements of Emmett seeming oh so innocent and childlike *barf* when he is out screwing and fighting. He hardly sounds innocent!

Meyer does ensure me that while he was free from tapping the local lady population and drinking moonshine until he went blind as yay, prohibition, that he was hunting for meat for his family. Ergh, Meyer, people can screw their way across a state and still be good to their families. Lots of sex as a teenager doesn’t mean being a total prick. Look at Bella, perfect virgin till her wedding but vile to her family and forgets her mother’s existence.

Right, we are now entering the bear attack and I have a few things to note. Throughout the ‘Twilight Saga’ both official and outtakes we have been told multiple times that Emmett hunted Grizzly bears as they are what attacked him as a human. Now, Grizzlies don’t frequent Tennessee and I think Meyer must have been informed of this so retconned the bear for this guide to silence the naysayers. The problem though is that she replaced the angry and aggressive grizzly bear that would happily eat your face to the relatively docile and skittish black bear. Black bears don’t really screw with humans, one of the techniques to avoiding a fight with them is to intimidate them and look large, whereas a Grizzly you want to look passive or you’ll have a bad day. So, what on earth was Emmett doing to this poor thing to make it maul him? Did he run out of women in his town and ventured to the bear population?!?

Look at them:

Compared to this:

Just change where he is from! Don’t change the bear! Any brown bear will fuck you up and make this realistic, not a black bear. What did he do, go up to a female with cubs in her den and poke her in the eye with a stick? This is so stupid.

Anyway, Meyer wants to provide tension to a story that we already know and say that Emmett thinks that another bear has joined to fight while he is being mauled by the Winnie the Pooh of the bear species. We get some lovely blasphemy of Emmett thinking an angel (Rosalie) was taking him up to God (Carlisle). Hang on……………….

Good Lord, I may not be a practicing Catholic anymore but even that hurts me. If Carlisle is God, then sweet cabbages is there something wrong. That bastard who turned a rape victim against her will is God?! NO, I WILL NOT STOP BLEATING ON ABOUT THAT!! He can no way be attributed to the Christian God when he created all his “children” for his own selfish desire to combat loneliness, have a living sex doll or to present as a gift for his “son” who then all went on to kill countless people for either food or revenge while he shrugged and went “meh, what can you do?”. His children don’t even care that they have killed countless of people, all Rosalie could say about the innocent bodyguards that she murdered was “Oops”. None of them gave a shit that countless humans were dying in ‘Eclipse’ as it wasn’t their problem or them not caring that all their people eating friends were just blatantly murdering around them. Carlisle is buddy-buddy with them! God’s most beloved creation is man, so how on earth could Meyer honestly write Carlisle as God. No, I’m not shrugging this off as what Emmett thought in his dying moments as this blasphemous idolatry has been in throughout the books but it just becomes too blatant here. I’m not going to bring up Meyer’s religion but sweet Jesus! What is this? This is blasphemy and creating false idols. How is this shit lauded in Christian book shops?

What really pisses me off even more is that Meyer really wanted me to get the message that Carlisle is God, that she had that quote enlarged to be on the same bloody page that the original quote was on!!

*EXPLODES*

MOVING THE FUCK ON!!!

Oh great, I hope to move on to something that won’t make me pee with rage and I’m hit with how Emmett was careless, murdered a lot and they had to move a lot. Do I sound deadpan and like I don’t care about what I said? That’s how its written, except I actually added in murder. Meyer does not! It’s so casual “Oh Emmett had trouble controlling himself *COUGH* MURDER *COUGH* and they had to move a lot.” Does God, I mean Carlisle, not even bother trying to controlling these things that he created?

We then get how he bonded with all the Cullens (well, yeah murdering psychos/birds of a feather flock together) and then I lose my sanity again as we have this:

“He genuinely bonded with all the members of his new family members and, aside from his dietary lapses, also made their lives more comfortable.”

Murder, say it with me, Meyer. Murder! It’s fucking murder, not having a doughnut binge on a diet. We know Emmett doesn’t care about the people he killed; we see it in ‘Midnight Sun’. He just doesn’t care and neither do the others. They act as if “Oh, what a scamp that Emmett is!”. A big part of Christianity is redemption and atonement, humanity was given free will to make mistakes but to gain entry to heaven then redemption, remorse and atonement is the most important part of that process. Let’s use one of the greatest games ever made (in my opinion) to make this point:

RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2

(Massive Spoilers if you haven’t played: skip to kittens to avoid)

Here is a nice soundtrack to listen to in this segment:

I played Arthur Morgan on high honour and I swear I cried four times during his final chapters. For those who know or don’t care about spoilers you are playing an outlaw in the dying years of the wild west (1899). You beat a church going, do-gooder senseless as he owes money to your gang’s loan shark and by doing so Arthur’s fate is sealed. He will die of TB. Now, Arthur is a product of his environment, orphan and adopted into the outlaw life where he doesn’t question his father figure and commits unspeakable acts of murder under what he perceives as a Robin Hood type code. However, Arthur slowly sees one father figure die due to hubris and the other’s descent into madness and brutality.

Once Chapter Six starts Arthur is told he is going to die and if played at high honour decides to spend his final days trying to undo all the wrongs that he has committed throughout his life through blind loyalty. One optional meeting is helping a Nun, in which Arthur admits that he is terrified of dying and death as he knows he is reaching the end, in which the Nun tells him to carrying on doing good for goodness’s sake. If chosen what I deem the correct choice then Arthur’s last moments of life is staying behind to ensure that the closest person he has to a brother escapes with his family and then dies watching his last sunrise while finally finding peace.

I swear I will cry again!

Arthur was a monster but achieves redemption not for his own selfish desires to reach heaven unlike Carlisle but to atone for what he has done in his life and to try and spend his last days doing good. Arthur Morgan feels remorse for what he has done and uses his death sentence to help others. Arthur Morgan is a murderer and a bandit but is far more likeable and sympathetic than these characters will ever be. Arthur knows what he has done is wrong, whereas Meyerpires just say “oops”. A Rockstar game, a company infamous for game play that allows you to run over prostitutes was more successful at the Christian messages of redemption then this trash ever was. PONDER THAT!

Here we have someone who is a genuine anti-hero that is beloved whereas the Cullens are meant to be pure good guys. They will never reach the depth of humanity, redemption and character of Arthur Morgan.

Anyway, finish up! Edward threw money at Emmett to therefore throw money at his family. I swear, this is these people’s solution to everything, throw money at it and be done. Oh, and Rosalie and Emmett get married a lot but by this point I don’t even care.

Honestly, I thought Emmett would be a nice and simple one to get back into this but nope. It’s like getting slapped repeatedly by a bag of dicks. I do hope I will be able to post more frequently and the next post will be Alice Cullen. Oh yay!

(While editing this I listened to the Red Dead Redemption Soundtrack and I got teary which shows how much more effective this game was at creating an anti hero with a tragic backstory. Again: PONDER THAT!)

Rosalie Hale

Table of Contents

Alice Cullen

‘Midnight Sun’ Chapter 1: First Sight

Here we are, dear readers!

Announcement and Book Cover

Table of Contents

Open Book

After 12 years since Stephenie Meyer shelved ‘Midnight Sun’, here we sit with ‘Twilight’ from Edward’s point of view in all it’s 768 page glory! I will not lie, I was pretty excited as I knew this would be a wild ride and wow did it not disappoint. There is no time like the present so let’s jump straight in.

This book is dedicated to all the readers who have been such a happy part of my life for the last fifteen years. When we first met, many of you were young teenagers with bright, beautiful eyes full of dreams for the future. I hope that in the years that have passed, you’ve all found your dreams and the reality of them was even better than you’d hoped.

I’m not going to criticise that to be honest with you all. I personally think that is really sweet and nice. Shit, am I being positive? Well slap my arse and call me Sally, I am! There is no opening quote which I find surprising as well as no prologue. There wasn’t a prologue in the manuscript so I guess I shouldn’t be shocked but the quote does surprise me as even Beau got one. Maybe there is no quote alive that can sum up Edward’s tortured soul! I will warn you all now that Edward is very emo and dramatic. Don’t believe me:

This was the time of day when I most wished I were able to sleep.

High school.

Or was purgatory the right word?

First, I shall start by saying I agree with him there. High school sucks! Second, and this has always bugged me with the original. Why do they bother? Just say they are home-schooled if you wanted too as they clearly hate being there. They are only doing this so Carlisle can carry on his God complex, so why not just say home-school? I doubt anyone would care as they are geniuses.

So anyway, we join Edward in his disdain for High school and all those around him. He remarks that everyone and I mean everyone is obsessed about Bella or as Edward calls her the ordinary human girl. Yeah, we know that won’t last as we are on Bella’s first day. Edward describes her as a shiny thing to dazzle bored toddlers and I just find this hilarious knowing how obsessed he will be but also this crap that he respects humans. He thinks they are pond scum!

He then refers to the men as sheep as they want to get in Bella’s virginal panties which again is just funny. He decides to tell us that Rosalie is a shallow bitch who is lusting after herself from someone’s glasses reflection. I get she is shallow but wow, a bit extreme. So he switches to Emmett who is pissed off for losing a wrestling match to Jasper and he is just so awesome.

Alice thinks thinky things towards Edward and he goes on about how lucky he is that Edward is such an unpopular name. Funny enough, in 2005 it was pretty unpopular and didn’t make the top 100 names. However, in 1987 which is when Bella was born then Edward is at number 61 so not that unpopular.

Alice asks about Jasper, who is frozen like a moron, if there is any danger. Edward even comments about if Jasper should be in school and why tempt things? Yes, why do they insist on dragging this dangerous man into school surrounded by children who scrape their knees, get nosebleeds or paper cuts. Just leave him at home for goodness sake! I think it will blow your cover if Jasper starts eating everyone in sight. Especially as Edward says it’s been two weeks since they ate so he is very dangerous right now. WHY THE FUCK IS HE IN SCHOOL!?!

Also, Edward keeps going on about their human ticks to make them seem normal as Jasper isn’t doing that but I call bullshit! It’s funny as this is my second time recapping a version of ‘Twilight’ but I’ve never done it alone, well I’ll be pulling it up a lot here. So, let’s start with this nonsense of how they are blending in:

They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren’t talking, and they weren’t eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them. They weren’t gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.

Yeah, blending in real well there.

Idiots.

After saying how dangerous Jasper is, Edward feels the need to take a great big dump on humanity by saying how stupid we are for not realising how dangerous they are, even more so than tigers. Humans don’t believe in vampires, you moron. All they see is a bunch of weird emos who their biggest cause of danger would be a possible school shooting. Also don’t think I missed the tiger comment, oh are you dangerous little tiger kittens? BITE ME! Actually, don’t.

Jasper then treats us all to a really rapey fantasy of him fondling a young girl and going to her throat. Dude! You’re wife is right there! Also, dude, go home and try not to rape/murder people on your way out. Why the fuck is he in school with deranged fantasies like this? It’s vile and he is way too dangerous.  

Edward kicks him out of his rape fantasy and has a pow-wow with Alice as they are like all special and stuff compared to the other special people. Then Alice says this:

“It helps to think of them as people,” Alice suggested, her high musical voice racing too fast for human ears to understand, if any had been close enough to hear. “Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adored. Her mother invited Esme to that garden party, do you remember?”

Holy shit, that’s some serial killer thinking right there. All I can think of is that scene in ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ where Catherine Martin’s mother keeps repeating her name and personality on the news to help humanise her to the person who abducted her. JESUS CHRIST! What is this? I’ve got images of Jasper keeping girls in his basement and telling them to put the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. How on earth am I meant to think of Jasper as one of the good guys when he reminds me so much of Buffalo Bill?!

Edward then decides to wank over how much better Alice and Jasper’s relationship was because even they don’t bang in public like horny otters, they can read each other almost like mind reading. Yeah, whatever. I still don’t buy it.

Are we ready for Edward’s first glimpse of that ordinary human girl? Of course, you aren’t but I am going to show you anyway.

My eyes locked for half a second with a pair of large, chocolate-brown human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face.

Ergh, my heart! I think we have heard enough about those chocolate eyes and it still makes me want to die.

Anyway, Edward listens to Jessica’s inner monologue and Edward comments how she used to dream lustful things about him and he responds to that with how she wouldn’t like it if he ripped her throat out, har har. God, he is a dick.

Now, what is interesting that in Bella’s POV Jessica seems nice enough, bit gossipy but happy to help her. Then she was completely demonised by Bella for not being impressed with her shit in ‘New Moon’ and almost getting them hurt. Well, now we have Edward telling us that nope, Bella was right and that Jessica is a complete bitch as she is just using Bella for popularity.

Emmett asks what Bella thinks of them and Edward informs us that he is the family’s look out which I don’t mind as that makes sense. I still think they could make more effort though. Edward now figures out that he can’t hear Bella and it’s written fairly well. He seems confused in his inner monologue and naturally tests his abilities out on everyone else to check that he is OK. It’s not melodramatic as per his usual style.

What does annoy me though is that when he listens to everyone else around him, all their thoughts are on, can you guess it? Go on guess!

That’s right, anyone with a brain cell can guess that they are thinking of Bella. Mike and Eric are lusting, Lauren is being a bitch and then some names of people we have never heard of before in four books are hoping they can talk to her which is just weird. Wanting to be nice is one thing as she is new and probably scared but hoping she’ll be in your class is just weird.

Only one person isn’t obsessing over Bella and that’s Angela who is thinking of other things. Remember my dear readers. We like Angela, she is maternal.

Anyway, Edward continues his existential crisis but does note how shy she sounds. Jessica tells us that Edward doesn’t date as he thinks he is too good for any girl in the school which he confirms. Are you swooning yet?

Edward then has an overwhelming desire to step in and protect Bella from the evil that is Jessica as she just seems so fragile. Don’t worry there, Bella couldn’t give a shit about Jessica. What I do find gross is him describing Bella’s skin as translucent and that he can see her veins pulsing. Is she see-through? That just sounds creepy.

However, Edward starts to give Bella qualities that he has no idea are true by saying that with her shoulders hunched it must mean that she’s shy and hates attention. Oh, I think we know that isn’t Bella. He decides that he will crack her thoughts and declares that they will be as trivial as any humans. I hate to agree with him but god is he right!

So, our emo hero walks to Biology and feels the need to boast how Mr. Banner won’t teach him anything profound as he is so average and Edward here has two medical degrees. Right, it’s a junior level class in High school. Don’t be an arsehole, he is there to teach everyone else who isn’t an undead abomination.

He goes to his lone table while sneering that humans were too stupid to know why they should keep away. I must repeat myself but *clears throat* HUMANS DON’T BELIEVE IN VAMPIRES, YOU GODDAMN CONCEITED, ARROGANT ARSEHOLE!

He doesn’t stop though; he is gleeful about sitting next to her as he can flush out her thoughts but then declares that they wouldn’t be interesting anyway. I have read four books worth of Bella and I concur. Then Bella let’s one rip and Edward wants to murder everyone. I would love to quote the whole thing but it is just far too long so I’ll pick bits out and summarise the best I can but I am aware that my recap will never show off just how crazy this is. I’ll do my best though.

Edward describes how the monster has been awoken in him and starts thinking in his dry tone that he no longer cares about Bella’s thoughts as he is just going to murder her. Bella falls over and he notes how weak she is, which is just lovely. He then decides to plan in loving detail how he will murder 18 children and 1 man by breaking their necks in seconds and then killing Bella as there is nothing worse than drinking cold blood!

Perish the thought!

He goes on with his murder plans for three pages but don’t worry, he wouldn’t kill them slowly! The problem with all of this though is that the writing and prose is very cold and calculated. I’m not getting the impression that he is in a mindless frenzy, as he is calmly planning his mass murder. I would’ve hoped that the prose would be more frantic and incoherent so we could see that it was a frenzy.

Bella slams her folder down which snaps Edward out of his lovingly detailed murder plot. Now what truly snaps him out of the mass murder is thinking of himself with red eyes. It doesn’t take away from how awful the murder plotting was but Edward does acknowledge that his ‘experimental’ years were a God-Complex and that he had no right to play Judge, Jury and Executioner to sate his own greedy desires. I like that as Bella just thought of it as reasonable.

He then explains that he sees Carlisle’s face and the colour of his eyes make them family due to their mutual choice not to kill humans. Do I find it annoying that he isn’t using killing children as the big issue here to snap him out of it? Yes! God yes, but if we are going to go with what we’ve been told and that this is a frenzy then I can understand why it would be his pseudo-father who taught him this way of life to snap him out of it. We all want to live up to someone’s ideal and be the best we can be for them be it parents, friends or partner. I could say that it should be those children but if he is in a true vampire frenzy then I can accept that it would need to be something very close to you to help you see.

HOWEVER!

I do not like that he said Carlisle would forgive him for this and to not judge. No, fucking judge him for murdering 20 innocent people to drink some blood. That’s horrific! Edward would deserve more than a time-out for that one.

The next section is better as it shows Edward and his irrational hatred towards Bella and how he will not kill children. It seems more frenzied, still dry but much better. This section had more added to it from the leaked manuscript so maybe Meyer has improved?

Now, Edward does something that has made me want to scream at all the other vampires before. He holds his breath! Can’t be that hard as after all, Beau did it! Let’s say because of vampire brains then this thought process took a few seconds but due to what happened he didn’t think to not breathe. I can buy that! However, I still find vampire thirst in this series so freaking inconsistent as Beau was fine as new-born with no preparation whatsoever whereas Edward here has decades of restraint under his belt.

Edward now rationalises to himself that it’s only an hour and not to breathe which seems to me that other vampires just couldn’t be bothered to even try. He then focuses his mind on hating her to get him through this class and I must say that I won’t be harsh to him here. I won’t say in detail but I can sympathise after going through a really tough situation myself where I had an end date set but it was so awful and tested me to my mental limits that to get through the last week I focused on my hatred of those in the place to get me through. I needed to focus on what those people were doing and drive myself not be defeated by such pettiness compared to earlier when I felt defeated and weak. Oh, and I kept promising myself a bucket of KFC and a bottle of brandy once I had finished. So, it may seem extreme of him to feel this but I actually can understand.

Edward now loses any sympathy I may have had by calmly hatching a plot to lure Bella out to his van for free puppies and murdering her. This is not frenzied but calculated murder, especially as he is now switching to murdering her at home where he can really savour it. Hannibal can provide some tips for you, champ!

Apparently, this helps him to get through the hour but refuses to think of the boner inducing drinking. I guess if it helps but I’m hardly thinking romance right now.

My earlier statement becomes funny as now Edward says he needs to concentrate on walking and not raising suspicions on what’s happening to him. That sounds like awkward boner to me. So, Edward sits in his car and listens to some calming music with the fresh air to wash away his murder boner and decides he won’t kill her. He thinks of his family and how he doesn’t want to hurt them but he also tries to fool us by saying he can never protect Bella.

Now to prove that Meyer is not sexist, as she is truly equal opportunities here as remember Meyer revealed that Mr. Banner wanted to bang Bella, well to not keep underage lusting to one gender we now have Ms. Cope the middle age receptionist lusting after Edward. Now I shall drink.

Edward disdainfully mentions that she has unnaturally red hair which just pisses me off. Edward tries to change Biology by offering his underage peen to the middle ages woman but sadly he is not successful. Ms. Cope does comment how perfect the Cullens are though and how intelligent just so we know how awesome meyerpires are. What I do find weird is that him smiling widely is meant to be terrifying but I don’t see how as they don’t have fangs. No one could tell that they’re sharp.

Bella comes in and Edward wants to kill everyone again *yawn* can we move on please? He jumps in the car and Alice sees him leaving but also him stalking Bella in her house. Edward drops them off and I must say that I like that she reminds him about Charlie to understand the hurt he would cause. We then end the chapter with Edward driving off. ZOMG WILL HE COME BACK!?!?!

Next time is his first conversation with Bella!

Announcement and Book Cover

Table of Contents

Open Book

Rosalie Hale: 50 Shades of Blonde

Welcome to Blonde Stereotype Bingo!

Esme Cullen

Table of Contents

Emmett Cullen

After the utter doormat and empty vessel that is Esme Cullen, we now move on to Rosalie Hale who does have characterisation. The issue with her characterisation is that it changes in every book to the point that if we include the New Moon asides then she has three distinct characterisations in one damn book! The one constant she has is that she is bitchy due to the power of blonde. Great. Before we start let’s take a look:

Twilight: Mildly bitchy

Midnight Sun: So unbelievably vain and psychotic that she wants to outright murder Bella because Edward thinks she is hotter.

New Moon: Bitchy, callous, vindictive, remorseful, sappy and blonde.

Eclipse: BABIES! Self-aware of her vanity and bitter.

Breaking Dawn: Apologetic, Best buddies with Bella, BABIES, sex-shaming, bitchy and PYSCHOTIC BABY STEALING CRAZY LADY! Oh, and blonde. Duh.

So, it’ll be interesting to see what Meyer writes for this, especially as we know her back-story from Eclipse and it’s well ermmm……………. We have lots to talk about so onwards we go!

Oh my, doesn’t she look blonde and bitchy!

*Face Palm*

Her full name is Rosalie Lillian Hale and she was born in 1915 and turned in 1933 at the age of eighteen. That’s good as she was dangerously close to being old. We also have her hair colour being “Golden blond”, hmmm…… I didn’t realise Rosalie gender flipped in this. Conjugate your goddamn adjectives Meyer!

She is 5”9 which again begs me to wonder why they didn’t give her clothes/trash to Leah? It’s funny that the most vilified women in these books are all above average height. I really think Meyer is a bit obsessed with height as she made a huge deal out of it in ‘Life and Death’. I don’t even know what to say, it’s just so strange.

We get the description of her stunning looks and blondeness again but once again she says “blond”, was her editor unconscious? Drunk? No fucks left to give? It’s such a stupid mistake that it really should have been fixed. I think it’s the last one as there is no love in this book, which makes sense as this was after the ‘Breaking Dawn’ fall-out.

Now, what I do find interesting is that Rosalie studied electrical engineering, astrophysics, business and medicine (to help Carlisle stay updated). Spoiler for future posts but relevant here, Alice studied fashion. So, the two Cullen women we are told to like studied nice feminine degrees like art and fashion whereas the vilified Rosalie studied subjects that are often considered masculine. Look at university intakes and those subjects (apart from medicine) have far more men studying them and there is an issue with sexism in those industries. Especially when we look at the hobbies! Bella likes cooking and reading Classical romances, Esme defaces old houses and Alice loves to shop for clothes. Whereas Rosalie loves to tinker with cars and anything mechanical. Am I reaching? I don’t think so.

An M3.

“I don’t speak Car and Driver.”

“It’s a BMW.” He rolled his eyes, not looking at me, trying to back out without running over the car enthusiasts.

I nodded — I’d heard of that one.

What makes this quote so irritating is that all the people crowding and orgasming over Rosalie’s car are all boys as Bella kindly tells us.

“So what are you guys doing?” Quil asked, still looking at me.

“Bella and I are going to fix up these bikes,” Jacob explained inaccurately. But bikes seemed to be the magic word. Both boys went to examine Jacob’s project, drilling him with educated questions. Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I’d have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement.

What the hell is this?! This is sexist bullshit! Especially when Meyer tells us this in her ‘Breaking Dawn’ FAQ:

In my own opinion (key word), the foundation of feminism is this: being able to choose. The core of anti-feminism is, conversely, telling a woman she can’t do something solely because she’s a woman—taking any choice away from her specifically because of her gender. “You can’t be an astronaut, because you’re a woman. You can’t be president because you’re a woman. You can’t run a company because you’re a woman.” All of those oppressive “can’ts”.

Yet, we are told women can’t like cars because they don’t have a Y chromosome!

I have ranted for 700 words and we haven’t even got to the main meat of the profile. This is not a good sign.

Especially as we get a paragraph explaining that Rosalie’s BANKER father managed to avoid the Wall Street Crash and Depression so therefore wasn’t affected.

Wat? No seriously, what is this?

Now, I’m going to talk about the marvellous invention called the internet and let you into a little secret. Ready for it? The internet is not just for porn. Shocking, I know! You can do fun things like google. Mind-blowing isn’t it?

One simple Google search got me that. How on earth could she honestly think that a BANKER would easily survive the Great Depression? People in their panic withdrew their money in droves, banks were constantly going into liquidation and the bankers were very well aware that their banks could be next and therefore send them into debt and poverty. My God, this is just such a stupid history failure as it’s so well known that banks did not fair well. In ‘Eclipse’ Rosalie says stupid shit like how her father thought those who lost their jobs were stupid and lazy. How could a banker think this?! They would have had friends who in one moment had a one-way ticket to Hooverville! This is just so beyond ridiculous and it would be far better to have her family own a mine or be invested in oil which would have been fine. Not a banker in New York Fucking City! Not the epicentre of the damn crash. Ergh, the stupid hurts me so:

MOVING ON FROM THIS FUCKERY!

This next section is no better as we have gone from the idiot version of the Great Depression and jumped into a Jane Austen novel as the Hales wanted to move up to a higher social class and therefore hoped to pimp out their daughter to achieve this. Mrs. Bennett needs to back away now as she is too good for this trash.

Meyer then explains to me that her family threw clothes at her and everyone thought she was the hottest thing ever which means she became a vain and a spoilt bitch. Oh, and she’s blonde. Don’t forget that!

I really feel that Meyer doesn’t think that I have really gotten how smokin’ Rosalie is as she tells me AGAIN that she is the fairest in all the state. But alas, our fair blonde princess had one want and jealousy in this world and that was for her womb to be filled with the most glorious fruit that a woman can have and to thus bring a prince into this world, for there is no truer joy for a woman than to fire out a brat from her crotch.

I am so tired of having fertile wombs thrown in my face.

So, our blonde princess meets her prince: Royce King II who is rich and hot so she is happy. I think it’s meant to be like Marianne and Mr Willoughby in ‘Sense and Sensibility’ but driven up to extremes. I think we know what I am talking about.

Meyer then describes when Rosalie was gang-raped to death by Royce and his drunk friends and one small issue is the writing. This is meant to be a guide but she has slipped into prose as if we don’t know what is going to happen. It’s a strange styling choice. Anyway, let’s get to meat of this thing. In ‘Eclipse’ the rape was never outright stated but heavily implied but it is written in black and white here that yes, she was assaulted and raped. This is horrible, make no mistake but the next bit makes this sooooo much worse to the point that I honestly want to scream. I know I had dissected this in terms of Carlisle but it really needs to be discussed again.

Moments later, Carlisle Cullen found Rosalie and transformed her to save her life. He hoped that Rosalie might make a suitable companion for Edward

You wat?

Let’s break this down so we are all seeing this. Carlisle Cullen, the vampire that apparently is so wonderful and kind to the point he has a fake legend about him being the good vampire. That Carlisle, took a broken and dying gang-rape victim off the street, changed her against her will and without consent. Especially when most modern vampire canon equates vampirization to sex, my god this series does that too as Edward won’t vamp Bella till marriage. So, Carlisle essentially raped her again all so he could present this DYING RAPE VICTIM to Edward as a fucking present for him to hopefully stick his dick into too to show he isn’t gay.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

Honestly let me repeat this so it really sinks in:

THE AMAZING CULLENS TOOK A RAPE VICTIM OFF THE STREET AND METOPHORICALLY RAPED HER AGAIN TO BE A SEX TOY FOR ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT HER CONSENT!!!!

I need to calm myself down so I’m moving on NOW! Apparently, Edward and Rosalie love each other like brother and sister. I bloody doubt that as he always wants to maim her and when she was presented to him, all he could say was “Ew, I don’t want that one! It’s all used!”

God, this is just horrible. We then go into how she murdered her murderers and saved Royce for last, I’m not going into whether this is right or wrong as vigilantism is an incredibly grey and complicated area so I’m not touching it with a barge pole. I really do wish Meyer would think about what she is writing though as she says Rosalie didn’t want a single part of them inside her so didn’t drink their blood, which is completely understandable but on a humorous note this says to me that blood is definitely a sex thing in these books.

Edward’s blood of choice was men. Heh.

We find out that Rosalie is deeply unhappy as a vampire as she misses her family and feels robbed of what she wanted such as the chance to have children. Gee thanks Carlisle, maybe you should ask your victims before you rape that vampirism into them.

I really need to quote Meyer here as it’s slap bang in the middle of the page:

There are characters that I have to work for a little bit harder, and sort of get down to their motivations. A few of them-Rosalie, for example- were difficult. It took me a while to figure out what her thing was.

Yes! It’s pretty simple to see her motivations. BABIES! So it seems pretty damn sick to be going on about how miserable she was and how desperately she wanted children but that was taken from her so you make it that your self-insert gets everything she wanted and then makes Rosalie babysit while making it clear that this is all she ever will be. That’s just mean and bitter! There is literary sadism to make your characters grow and then there is this. It’s awful!

Every time we move on, I keep getting hit with more awful. We fast forward two years and Rosalie finds Emmett being mauled by a bear. She stops this beast because he looks like her friend’s son who set her womb alight.

*Vomits*

I didn’t want to see this picture again! That’s just nasty!

Rosalie asks Carlisle to rape some vampirism into Emmett knowing that was selfish and never asked what he wanted. It was OK though as he was hard so he enjoyed it!

*Slaps Book*

*Slaps Self*

*Cries into Gin*

Almost done.

Emmett loves her and doesn’t think of her as a blonde, selfish and vain bitch like everyone else. Rosalie is still vain as that’s her one defining character trait as she likes to get remarried every decade because she is vain. Did you hear me at the back? Rosalie is vain! And blonde! Maybe she likes to reaffirm her love? Also, they like to live apart from the Cullen’s occasionally and I say good for them, they treat Rosalie like shit.

Meyer leaves out Rosalie blaming her beauty for her raping in this which surprised me as it very much feels like this passage is alluding to Rosalie “asking” for it due to her looks which is just plain disgusting. Next, we will hear that her skirt was too short.

*Slaps Book*

The famous quotes to end this are Rosalie sucking up to Bella and being a racist bitch to Jacob which is errrr………… something.

God that was disgusting! We are getting close to ‘Midnight Sun’ though and I have been looking at the quotes Meyer has been releasing. The best I can say is to be very afraid.

Esme Cullen

Table of Contents

Emmett Cullen

Table of Contents: The Twilight Illustrated Guide

Welcome to the page dedicated to the world of the Twilight Saga Guide, meant to fill in the gaps but in reality creates more plot holes than the Euro Tunnel. Delve into the strange world of explanations for nonsensical vampires and character backgrounds.

A Conversation with Shannon Hale (1)

A Conversation with Shannon Hale (2)

Vampires

Carlisle Cullen

Edward Cullen

Esme Cullen

Rosalie Hale

Emmett Cullen

Alice Cullen

Jasper Hale

Esme Cullen: A Real Doll’s Tale

Welcome back!

Edward Cullen

Table of Contents

Rosalie Cullen

So as promised, it’s time to whittle down the time before Midnight Sun by tackling the beloved *cough* characters of the Twilight Saga! This week we shall tackle Esme Cullen which probably won’t take long as she has as much character depth as the cucumber in my gin. Her character is clearly to be Carlisle’s wife/flesh light as everyone in this god forsaken series is paired up like goats on the Ark!  Anyway, there’s no time like the present so let’s have a look at her picture:

I have noticed that compared to the rest of the Cullen’s pictures that Esme looks very timid and demure while the others look haughty and showy which is hilarious! Oh, the Cullen’s are just so humble but those pictures just show them for the arseholes that they are.

So, her full name is a mouthful: Esme Anne Platt Evenson Cullen. Phew! I need to breathe and she was turned in 1921 at 26, ewwww how old! I’m shocked Carlisle wanted used mutton, oh wait! That’s Edward who fetishizes virginity, carry on.

What I do find irritating is the sappy adjectives she uses like Bella’s chocolate brown eyes or golden blonde hair, here we have caramel brown hair. It’s just so sickly. Also, like all her women, Esme is 5”6 so she is nice and average which begs me to wonder why they thought her clothes would fit the 5”10 Leah.

She also took nice feminine degrees like art and architecture as her hobby is restoring old houses. Oh, we know how much she loves to restore! That bloody cottage which was impossible to start off with but then abused beyond belief once she fucked around with it. I’m sure most logger cabins in the Olympic Peninsula were made from stone, had space for a giant wardrobe and would be decorated in a South-Western/Italian Castle/Beach House décor. The only thing it was missing was the Chinese Opium den out back!

I have now cracked up to see that Esme doesn’t have a car, oh is she just too feminine to enjoy having a car that interested her? That’s man talk!! It just strikes me as odd that the only Cullen not to have a car is the motherly Esme. Jesus, even Bella got a car and she couldn’t care less! I’m ignoring the short family connections as we will cover that in personal history. Onwards we go!

So, Esme was a nice farm girl in Ohio but struggled to conform with what was expected of women in the early 20^th century. She was a farm girl! I really don’t see why it would be frowned upon to act like a tomboy when you live on a damn farm!!! Also, I find that rich considering that’s exactly how she acts. She frets, lets the big strong men do everything for her and mothers everything to death. This just doesn’t fit. Oh, and here is her farm:

We don’t need pictures of the Volturi but we so need an illustration of the damn farm.

We fast forward to when she was 11 and she broke her leg from doing such awful unfeminine behaviour of climbing a tree ON A FARM! I’m now grossed out as she was treated by Carlisle and fell in love with him, sorry to allcaps again but SHE FELL IN LOVE AT ELEVEN! God that’s gross. Then again, Renesmee fell in love at birth so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.

Esme’s friends started to marry and she felt left behind as she hadn’t met anyone as amazing as Carlisle as he was genuinely thoughtful. What, are all the men in Columbus, Ohio raging dickheads? I seriously doubt that, she is just fixated on that arsehole. Just like Bella! She begged her father to let her be a teacher but he didn’t think she should live alone in the wilds. Wait, what? Why would a teacher be living in the middle of the wilderness, that’s so bizarre especially coming from someone who grew up ON A FARM! Will she be teaching bear children? This is just so weird; I really cannot wrap my head around the logic. Also, what is it with Meyer and having all female characters be teachers? Renee is a teacher, Bella wanted to be one (apparently) and now Esme. Did Meyer want to be a teacher but wasn’t able to? Or is it just a nice feminine occupation so therefore acceptable? Christ, I don’t know!

So instead of encouraging her pursuing a decent career for a woman in the early 20^th Century, Esme listened to her Dad and married his mate’s son. She was meant to be a rebellious FARM girl, why is she now folding? Especially as she has no feelings towards him, is it because she is obsessed with some doctor that she met when she was ELEVEN (God, I’m pissed off), this is so stupid and really undermines Meyer when she loves to tell us that choice is so important in her work. As it’s clearly not. Carlisle and Esme were destined!

*Vomit*

It turns out that her husband Charles would beat her and her parents didn’t give a shit. They just told her to be a good wife. Oh, like Emily? Yeah, I went there. I find it infuriating that I am meant to boo and hiss over Charles but yet like Sam who tears women’s faces off when they say no. Emily smiles, cooks and cleans for the wolves like a good little woman after Sam slashed her face for defying him. I guess Emily is proof that when you just do as your told and be a ‘good wife’ then the beatings will stop. Stop making them so angry, they don’t want to hit you! You just make them!

Oh Jesus! I’m going to take a brief minute to cry into my gin.

Esme finds out she is pregnant and decides to escape from him. She moves to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to stay with her cousin. Hmmm…this is the distance:

Not that far and obviously cars weren’t widespread then (although of course trains were) but I’ll be kind and say it’s understandable that she would flee to an ally of hers. Charles tracks her down so she flees again to Ashland, Wisconsin.

I’m not shaming Esme here but if your abusive piece of shit husband is tracking you then my God just leave the state!!! If she is posing as a war widow then go further, go to Canada! Go somewhere else! Anyway I got distracted as she started rebuilding her life and Meyer smacked me in the face with this line:

“She loved the unborn baby more than her own life.”

*Punches Book*

I do not need Meyer using the same goddamn line that the plot device locket that Bella happened to find to throw at Renesmee to validate her own mother goddess to make Esme a mother goddess too. It’s the same fucking line!!!

“It caught my eye from the window of an antique store while I was driving by.”

I shook the little golden locket into his palm. It was round with a slender vine border carved around the outside edge of the circle. Edward popped the tiny catch and looked inside. There was space for a small picture and, on the opposite side, an inscription in French.

“Do you know what this says?” he asked in a different tone, more subdued than before.

“The shopkeeper told me it said something along the lines of ‘more than my own life.’ Is that right?”

“Yes, he had it right.”

*Sets Fire to Book*

Ergh, moving on as I don’t need any more fertile wombs thrown in my face.

So yeah, her son with no name dies at two days of lung fever. She was so devastated that she walked outside of town and threw herself off a cliff. Now, I have some issues with this, I doubt she walked too far and there is a slight problem. This is Ashland, Wisconsin:

See a problem here?

ITS FUCKING FLAT!

The only cliffs I could find were these:

Which is this far:

That’s not a walk into town!! Jesus Christ, this isn’t difficult!! Just pick a place with cliffs, it’s really not that hard.

MOVING ON FROM THIS FUCKERY!

She regains consciousness but is in agonising pain, not sure how as it’s essentially jumping into a puddle but there we go, and sees Dr. Love himself. Apparently, she can’t decide if she is in Heaven or Hell. I’m gonna go with Hell. He explains that she is a vampire and expects her to be upset. Well yeah, you would think someone who threw themselves off a “cliff” with the express intent to die would be pretty upset to see that they had been saved. But no, this is Twilight Happy Land and she is so happy.

Baby? What Baby?

Then we jump to her vampire life where she still ate people even though she loves humans and is so happy to be with the guy she has fetishized since she was 11, which is still creepy. We also get how her mothering instincts are strong so she treats full grown adults like her babies and goes into full depression if they leave her. Yeah, that’s healthy.

I just disgusted myself and I fully deserved that.

I’m not even bothering with her quotes as it’s all about the awesome of Bella and Edward’s love. We do however have a random quote from Meyer saying how she loves to have the theme of choice which is hilarious as I don’t remember Carlisle asking Esme if she wanted to be a vampire. Hmm…telling.

So that’s Esme Cullen! Considering it was a short one, I have lost it too many times to count and I feel grossed out. This is not a good sign as next up we have Rosalie Hale in which we get to hear how a gang-rape victim was turned into a vampire as a gift/hole for Edward.

Oh Jesus! I’m not looking forward to that.

Edward Cullen

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Rosalie Cullen