Welcome back!
Rosalie Cullen
So as promised, it’s time to whittle down the time before Midnight Sun by tackling the beloved *cough* characters of the Twilight Saga! This week we shall tackle Esme Cullen which probably won’t take long as she has as much character depth as the cucumber in my gin. Her character is clearly to be Carlisle’s wife/flesh light as everyone in this god forsaken series is paired up like goats on the Ark! Anyway, there’s no time like the present so let’s have a look at her picture:
I have noticed that compared to the rest of the Cullen’s pictures that Esme looks very timid and demure while the others look haughty and showy which is hilarious! Oh, the Cullen’s are just so humble but those pictures just show them for the arseholes that they are.
So, her full name is a mouthful: Esme Anne Platt Evenson Cullen. Phew! I need to breathe and she was turned in 1921 at 26, ewwww how old! I’m shocked Carlisle wanted used mutton, oh wait! That’s Edward who fetishizes virginity, carry on.
What I do find irritating is the sappy adjectives she uses like Bella’s chocolate brown eyes or golden blonde hair, here we have caramel brown hair. It’s just so sickly. Also, like all her women, Esme is 5”6 so she is nice and average which begs me to wonder why they thought her clothes would fit the 5”10 Leah.
She also took nice feminine degrees like art and architecture as her hobby is restoring old houses. Oh, we know how much she loves to restore! That bloody cottage which was impossible to start off with but then abused beyond belief once she fucked around with it. I’m sure most logger cabins in the Olympic Peninsula were made from stone, had space for a giant wardrobe and would be decorated in a South-Western/Italian Castle/Beach House décor. The only thing it was missing was the Chinese Opium den out back!
I have now cracked up to see that Esme doesn’t have a car, oh is she just too feminine to enjoy having a car that interested her? That’s man talk!! It just strikes me as odd that the only Cullen not to have a car is the motherly Esme. Jesus, even Bella got a car and she couldn’t care less! I’m ignoring the short family connections as we will cover that in personal history. Onwards we go!
So, Esme was a nice farm girl in Ohio but struggled to conform with what was expected of women in the early 20th century. She was a farm girl! I really don’t see why it would be frowned upon to act like a tomboy when you live on a damn farm!!! Also, I find that rich considering that’s exactly how she acts. She frets, lets the big strong men do everything for her and mothers everything to death. This just doesn’t fit. Oh, and here is her farm:
We don’t need pictures of the Volturi but we so need an illustration of the damn farm.
We fast forward to when she was 11 and she broke her leg from doing such awful unfeminine behaviour of climbing a tree ON A FARM! I’m now grossed out as she was treated by Carlisle and fell in love with him, sorry to allcaps again but SHE FELL IN LOVE AT ELEVEN! God that’s gross. Then again, Renesmee fell in love at birth so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.
Esme’s friends started to marry and she felt left behind as she hadn’t met anyone as amazing as Carlisle as he was genuinely thoughtful. What, are all the men in Columbus, Ohio raging dickheads? I seriously doubt that, she is just fixated on that arsehole. Just like Bella! She begged her father to let her be a teacher but he didn’t think she should live alone in the wilds. Wait, what? Why would a teacher be living in the middle of the wilderness, that’s so bizarre especially coming from someone who grew up ON A FARM! Will she be teaching bear children? This is just so weird; I really cannot wrap my head around the logic. Also, what is it with Meyer and having all female characters be teachers? Renee is a teacher, Bella wanted to be one (apparently) and now Esme. Did Meyer want to be a teacher but wasn’t able to? Or is it just a nice feminine occupation so therefore acceptable? Christ, I don’t know!
So instead of encouraging her pursuing a decent career for a woman in the early 20th Century, Esme listened to her Dad and married his mate’s son. She was meant to be a rebellious FARM girl, why is she now folding? Especially as she has no feelings towards him, is it because she is obsessed with some doctor that she met when she was ELEVEN (God, I’m pissed off), this is so stupid and really undermines Meyer when she loves to tell us that choice is so important in her work. As it’s clearly not. Carlisle and Esme were destined!
*Vomit*
It turns out that her husband Charles would beat her and her parents didn’t give a shit. They just told her to be a good wife. Oh, like Emily? Yeah, I went there. I find it infuriating that I am meant to boo and hiss over Charles but yet like Sam who tears women’s faces off when they say no. Emily smiles, cooks and cleans for the wolves like a good little woman after Sam slashed her face for defying him. I guess Emily is proof that when you just do as your told and be a ‘good wife’ then the beatings will stop. Stop making them so angry, they don’t want to hit you! You just make them!
Oh Jesus! I’m going to take a brief minute to cry into my gin.
Esme finds out she is pregnant and decides to escape from him. She moves to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to stay with her cousin. Hmmm…this is the distance:
Not that far and obviously cars weren’t widespread then (although of course trains were) but I’ll be kind and say it’s understandable that she would flee to an ally of hers. Charles tracks her down so she flees again to Ashland, Wisconsin.
I’m not shaming Esme here but if your abusive piece of shit husband is tracking you then my God just leave the state!!! If she is posing as a war widow then go further, go to Canada! Go somewhere else! Anyway I got distracted as she started rebuilding her life and Meyer smacked me in the face with this line:
“She loved the unborn baby more than her own life.”
*Punches Book*
I do not need Meyer using the same goddamn line that the plot device locket that Bella happened to find to throw at Renesmee to validate her own mother goddess to make Esme a mother goddess too. It’s the same fucking line!!!
“It caught my eye from the window of an antique store while I was driving by.”
I shook the little golden locket into his palm. It was round with a slender vine border carved around the outside edge of the circle. Edward popped the tiny catch and looked inside. There was space for a small picture and, on the opposite side, an inscription in French.
“Do you know what this says?” he asked in a different tone, more subdued than before.
“The shopkeeper told me it said something along the lines of ‘more than my own life.’ Is that right?”
“Yes, he had it right.”
*Sets Fire to Book*
Ergh, moving on as I don’t need any more fertile wombs thrown in my face.
So yeah, her son with no name dies at two days of lung fever. She was so devastated that she walked outside of town and threw herself off a cliff. Now, I have some issues with this, I doubt she walked too far and there is a slight problem. This is Ashland, Wisconsin:
See a problem here?
ITS FUCKING FLAT!
The only cliffs I could find were these:
Which is this far:
That’s not a walk into town!! Jesus Christ, this isn’t difficult!! Just pick a place with cliffs, it’s really not that hard.
MOVING ON FROM THIS FUCKERY!
She regains consciousness but is in agonising pain, not sure how as it’s essentially jumping into a puddle but there we go, and sees Dr. Love himself. Apparently, she can’t decide if she is in Heaven or Hell. I’m gonna go with Hell. He explains that she is a vampire and expects her to be upset. Well yeah, you would think someone who threw themselves off a “cliff” with the express intent to die would be pretty upset to see that they had been saved. But no, this is Twilight Happy Land and she is so happy.
Baby? What Baby?
Then we jump to her vampire life where she still ate people even though she loves humans and is so happy to be with the guy she has fetishized since she was 11, which is still creepy. We also get how her mothering instincts are strong so she treats full grown adults like her babies and goes into full depression if they leave her. Yeah, that’s healthy.
I just disgusted myself and I fully deserved that.
I’m not even bothering with her quotes as it’s all about the awesome of Bella and Edward’s love. We do however have a random quote from Meyer saying how she loves to have the theme of choice which is hilarious as I don’t remember Carlisle asking Esme if she wanted to be a vampire. Hmm…telling.
So that’s Esme Cullen! Considering it was a short one, I have lost it too many times to count and I feel grossed out. This is not a good sign as next up we have Rosalie Hale in which we get to hear how a gang-rape victim was turned into a vampire as a gift/hole for Edward.
Oh Jesus! I’m not looking forward to that.
Rosalie Cullen
Literature Masochist 
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